Celebrity Exercise Styles: Which Is Yours?

Guest Post by Dave Chu/ "Fitness Tabby"

Cranky Fitness readers who are intrepid enough make their way down to the comment section may recognize Dave's alter ego, Fitness Tabby. Fitness Tabby is much beloved here for his wit, common sense, and all-around nice-guyness. Plus, bonus: unlike other felines, he never grosses us out with tuna-breath, coughs up hairballs, or leaves a smelly litter box to scoop out!

And since Cranky Fitness has been quite remiss about covering celebrity exercise trends, Dave/Fitness Tabby offered to tackle the topic.  (Note: Crabby McSlacker will be back soon with an actual post of her own!  Probably. Possibly. Er, you never know, it could happen!)--Crabby


Isn't it fun to find out what your favorite celebrities are up to? Or even what some disliked ones are doing?

When the drug-addled meltdowns, outrageous public disputes, and humiliating arrests have simmered down, the celebrity industrial complex may turn to a celeb's workout routine for tabloid material.

Rather than just jumping on their workout bandwagons, let's play a game. I've picked out a few personality quirks and habits of some famous people, and will relate them to workout scenarios. See if you can identify each celebrity. Maybe you can relate to them, or even gain some inspiration. I've given them phony initials, which helps my premise of making up or exaggerating details about them.

Creativity and Sneakiness: A Very Short Quiz

Ready? Sharpen your pencils:

1. A research study said female bloggers are more likely than the general population to be:

a. angry
b. lactose-intolerant
c. neurotic
d. obese

The answer is in the title of this post here.

2. This week Crabby wonders:

a. what it would take to get universal health care
b. what lab rats are blogging about these days
c. why we give a crap what Michele Obama is wearing
d. why cats always prefer to cuddle with people who are allergic to them

The answer is conveniently located in the first paragraph here.

3. "Eating the Frog" is a handy solution to:

a. magnesium deficiency
b. constipation
c. procrastination
d. a theme party menu planning dilemma

The answer is in the title and at the bottom of Org Junkie's post here.

So yeah, it's "creativity" week at the Juice, and this is my weekly effort to pimp for them because I get paid, hooray! remind you of all the exciting things going on over there. There's also the George Foreman Grill Thingy Giveaway (through Sunday) and a video on boosting creativity.

And don't worry, the "real" Friday post is just below this one; have a great weekend!

Find Your "Real" Real Age

Have you taken the "Real Age" test? It's that site where you sign up and answer a bunch of family history and lifestyle questions. Then the site figures your health risks and tells you how old you "really" are.

Twenty seven million people have taken it so far. And it's energetically pushed by Oprah's pal, Dr. Mehmet Oz.

But go read Charlotte's recent post over at the Great Fitness Experiment. Oh my goodness! Turns out the Real Age people are in bed with the supplement manufacturers and pharmaceutical companies. For example, Charlotte says that test penalizes people if they don't take Vitamin E supplements, which scientists have been telling us NOT to do for several years now. Oh, and guess what? The Real Age people sell your personal information to drug companies!

Yeeesh.

So since the "Real Age" test has been revealed as a marketing ploy, and is also a long-ass test that goes on forever (I never made it through), I thought we needed a shorter, "realer," Real Age test.

Note: if you take the Cranky Fitness Real Age Test, we promise we won't sell any of your information to drug companies!

So, would you like to know how old Cranky Fitness thinks you are?

Here's the deal: The official Real Age Test adjusts your current chronological age by all the factors it can find that might affect how long you're going to live--if you were a statistic and not a person.

The problem with that? You're a person! And you can eat right, stop smoking, floss your teeth, drink green tea, and do every damn thing you're supposed to and still get mowed down by a runaway Krispy Kreme truck as you're coming out of the gym from your Zumba class tomorrow.

So predicting life span is kind of a crapshoot.

On the other hand, statistics aren't totally useless. We know that certain behaviors are probably going to catch up with us eventually, otherwise, wouldn't we be eating a whole lot more ice cream and a whole lot less spinach? I know I would.

It's a dilemma: how to balance having a happy life with having a long one. This test, therefore, takes a totally different approach to discovering your "real age."

Note: feel free to pick more than one answer, or ignore questions that don't apply. It's a very flexible test!


The Cranky Fitness "Real" Real Age Test


1. When I go to the grocery store, I sometimes succumb to the temptation to:

a. Shoplift candy, because it's free that way!

b. "Ride" the full grocery cart back to the car when I'm done shopping, because it's fun! Even though I suppose if I lost control I could hit someone's car and have to pay to get it fixed, and boy, would I feel silly then.

c. Be a bit extravagant and buy some fresh exotic, expensive kind of organic produce I haven't tried before, even if it means I'll have to scrimp on other purchases.

d. Get snippy with that cashier who has the nose piercings--he's so slow and lazy, plus he mumbles so I can never hear what he's saying!


2. You visit an out-of-town friend, who drags you to a baseball game featuring two teams you don't give a crap about. (If you are a big Sports Fan, then just pretend there are teams you don't give a crap about). Despite your reluctance to go, you find you have a great time anyway because...


a. You drink 4 beers and cut in line for the bathroom (because you REALLY need to go), and get in a shoving match with some nutjob who has a problem waiting just two more freakin' minutes, but then when the ballpark security guard escorts you outside it turns out you he used to live in your hometown and you went to high school with him! So you both get stoned together after the game and catch up on old times.

b. The game is a close one; all the sights, sounds, smells are exhilarating; the hot dog and ice cream you buy as a treat really hit the spot; and the excitement in the stands is contagious!

c. A knowledegable fan explains some of the subtle intricacies of the game to you that you hadn't appreciated before; plus you discover they have some new specialty food stands with much healthier options than normal ball-park fare.

d. At a baseball game, turns out you can just sit and relax for hours and hours and vendors will come bring you food so you don't have to get up and get your own like you do at home!


3. My LEAST favorite thing about going to the beach is:

a. Sometimes those dumb warnings about riptides and dangerous conditions turn out to be true; I hate getting rescued by the life guards all the time! I probably really should learn how to swim some day. But whatever.

b. The only thing I hate is having to go home when the day is done!

c. Needing reapply SPF 90 sunscreen every hour, or every time I go swimming, or start to sweat. As much as I love the sunshine and sparkling water and fresh air, I really don't want skin cancer.

d. The people! The kids are brats; the men are drunk and rowdy; and the women barely have anything on and clearly have no shame.


4. You're a guest at a wedding and it turns out there's a live band and dancing at the reception. You came by yourself and only know the bride; you're basically faced with a room full of strangers. However, the dance floor is packed, people are having fun, and a friendly but unattractive person next to you says "Oh, I love this song! Um, any chance you wanna dance?" As it turns out, you love this song too! What do you do next?

a. Say "Sorry." Then go find a more attractive person to dance with, quickly, because you don't want to miss your favorite song!

b. Put aside some momentary shyness, say, "Sure!" and then have a blast dancing and meeting new people the rest of the evening.

c. Assess the condition of your knees, back, hips, and shoulders, the slipperiness of the floor, the amount of alcohol you've consumed, and the relative risk of injury versus the social awkwardness of declining. They say either "Yes, I'd love to!" or "Oh, I'm so sorry, but my doctor would kill me if I threw out my back again. Thank you SO much for asking, I sure wish I could join you!" Then enjoy the great music and the evening anyway, even if you can't do it from the dance floor.

d. Who would ever ask ME to dance? That's crazy talk. And even if it did happen, I'd feel too foolish out on the dance floor. Just because everyone else is willing to make an ass of themselves doesn't mean I have to too.


5. If somehow you won a trip to Paris for a week, with airfare and hotel totally paid for, what would you do?

a. Charge my credit cards to the limit buying cool Parisian designer clothes and accessories that will impress all my friends; eat all the fancy French pastry I could hold; spend the evenings drinking in night clubs trying to score with sexy locals; and, hey, don't they have a Disneyland too? I bet I could sneak in, those French folks are probably way lax on security.

b. Wow, Paris??? I'd love to try some of the great restaurants, see the sights, maybe rent a scooter and check out the happening neighborhoods, and just soak up every new experience I can!

c. Well, depending on my budget and the exchange rate, I'd love to sample the gourmet food (especially if I can find some healthier restaurants, and of course there are the local produce markets!) And it would lovely to see some of the world-famous museums, do some window-shopping, and get plenty of exercise by walking around town and admiring the architecture and the ambiance. Do they have gyms there?

d. Paris? Why would anyone want to go to Paris! I've heard it's hard to find a decent hamburger and it's dirty and the people are rude and they all like to pretend they don't speak English just to be snotty. They've got a perfectly good "Paris" in Las Vegas, for goodness sake, with all-you-can-eat-buffets. Why can't they send me there instead of France?


Scoring:

Mostly A's?-- You are a Child! And not in a Good way.

(Note: it is unlikely any regular reader of Cranky Fitness fits this category, but you may know folks like this).

Childhood is great for actual children! But those who spend their adulthood without benefit of impulse control, appreciation of consequences, or respect for others are a pain to be around. They also tend to do enough dumb things so they are unlikely to live to a happy (chronologically) old age.

Recommendations for Children: Consider being nicer to people! Also, you might want to familiarize yourself with principles of "cause" and "effect." A real eye-opener.

Mostly B's?-- You are a Youthful Adult.

No matter what your age, you embody the positive features we associate with youth as well as the common sense that comes with adulthood. You are flexible and open-minded and you appreciate new experiences, while tempering your adventures with empathy for others and a reasonable appreciation of consequences.

Recommendations for Youthful Adults: Keep loving life! As you get "older," you may want to incorporate additional efforts to ensure longevity into your daily routine. (If you also liked some "C" answers, you're probably already doing so). You don't want to miss out on any extra fun years you might have coming to you. So gradually incorporate more healthy habits as you learn about them, but don't make yourself miserable trying to do everything right.

Mostly C's?--You are a Mature Adult

This is great too! You have a more subtle, cerebral, quieter, but no less intense appreciation of life than more youthful, exhuberant types. You are careful with others' feelings and mindful of consequences. Though cautious about your health and finances, you try to balance concerns about the future with enjoyment of the present.

Recommendations for Mature Adults: Keep an eye out that your cautious tendencies don't get out of control and keep you from enjoying the moment. It's a slippery slope from "careful" to "stick-in-the-mud." (An expression which all of a sudden sounds really weird. What stick? What mud? Are we supposed to want that stick, but we can't get it because it's stuck in the mud? Why blame the stick? Or are we blaming the mud? And why do we even want a stupid muddy stick in the first place?)

Anyway. If you were wavering between C's and B's, then you probably get the idea. We need to balance enjoying life now with ensuring we get a lot more years of it in the future.


Mostly D's? You are a Crotchety Old Fart.

Again, not a typical Cranky Fitness reader, although I can see why the "Cranky" aspect might appeal.

No matter what their actual age, folks who are "D's" embody the worst stereotypes of aging. (Most actual old people are not Crotchety Old Farts.)

Crotchety Old Farts are impatient, judgmental, overly concerned with appearances, reluctant to try new things, and like nothing better than to sit on their butts and say mean things about other people. Note: despite my Crabby nature, I am not actually a C.O.F.--or at least I don't think I am!

Recommendation for Crotchety Old Farts: Stop complaining so much and go out and have some fun!

So did anyone make it all the way to the end of the Cranky Fitness "Real" Real Age Test? At least it wasn't 150 questions! If so, thanks for playing, and how did you do? Know any Children or Old Farts?

Thursday Quiz: answers

Remember the quiz yesterday?

Okay, let me rephrase that. Do you remember yesterday? At all?
(Really? Can you pass that bottle of Lethe water this way?)


Yesterday I posted a quiz of true and pseudo stories in the news. Here's the list of answers.

1. This week, scientists came out with research that suggests there might be a universal cure for:

c. The flu. Looks like there might be an antibody that would help fend off different flu viruses.


2. A new book is coming out that promises to merge classic English literature with modern-day sensibilities. Its title is:

b. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Jane Austen's classic tale... now, with zombies. The novel starts out, "It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains." (It's coming out in June 2009, so you'll have to wait to read the whole thing in all its gory detail.)


3a. A study found that companies who give incentives to quit Smoking have had some success with this method. To quote the clinical trials website:

The financial incentives were $100 for completion of a smoking-cessation program, $250 for cessation of smoking within 6 months after study enrollment, as confirmed by a biochemical test, and $400 for abstinence for an additional 6 months after the initial cessation, as confirmed by a biochemical test. Individual participants were stratified according to work site, heavy or nonheavy smoking, and income. The primary end point was smoking cessation 9 or 12 months after enrollment, depending on whether initial cessation was reported at 3 or 6 months. Secondary end points were smoking cessation within the first 6 months after enrollment and rates of participation in and completion of smoking-cessation programs.

4c is false.
4a. True. Male Praying Mantis insects prefer not to become victims of sexual cannibalism. (Yes, someone did a study to find that answer.)
4b. True. A male fish is more likely to eat fertilized fish eggs if other male fish have been visiting the missus.
4d. True. Female rattlesnakes have been shown to consume their young. Generally they consume the "non-viable" portion of the offspring, but not always. Hey, it's hard work birthin' that many babies!

Well? How'd you do?

Thursday Quiz

Some days just call out for a quiz, in my opinion. There's no prize for the right answers, except the joy of intellectual fulfillment, but what the hell. It's Thursday.

Ready?

1. This week, scientists came out with research that suggests there might be a universal cure for:

a. The common cold

b. Hangnails

c. The flu

d. Those annoying little coughs that hang about for weeks even though you're feeling much better.

2. A new book is coming out that promises to merge classic English literature with modern-day sensibilities. Its title is:

a. Wuthering Bites... featuring Heathcliffe the Vampire

b. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies... the title kinda says it all, doesn't it?

c. David Copperfield: the real story. Dickens' heart-warming tale now features a lad who grows up to make his mark in the world of magic.

d. The Call of the Wild Werewolf... Jack London's classic tale of a man and his dog has been updated to tell the tale of a man who is his own best friend...



3. According to a study just out this month, companies that hand out financial incentives can help employees to stop:

a. Smoking cigarettes

b. Drinking alcohol

c. Eating at fast-food restaurants

d. Reading blogs at work




4. One of the following studies is false. Can you spot which one?

a. The males of the preying mantis species prefer not to be the victims of sexual cannibalism.

b. Male fish will cannibalize fish eggs if they suspect the female fish have been sleeping with other male fish.

c. Male black widow spiders have been known to kill the female spider after mating, instead of the other way around.

d. Female rattlesnakes recover faster from childbirth if they eat their young.


How did you do? Feeling confident?
I'll post the answers to the quiz at Midnight.


Photo courtesy of John Althouse Cohen.

Coping with the downturn: a quiz

Guess what? The experts have decided that it's official: we're in a recession.

Gee whiz, really?

Being an economic forecaster is something like being a weatherman reporting on yesterday's news. It's much more interesting to be a blogger, especially on a blog like this one.

How's your economic attitude?

Rather than writing a serious, perceptive, and intellectually challenging post about the economy, it seems like a much better idea to present you with a pop quiz. You've read all about the economy -- if you haven't experienced a layoff, you've probably felt the chill breeze of one pass nearby. Are you prepared, attitudinally, for this economic climate?


The Quiz

A) Your boss calls you into her office and says that you're being downsized.
Your response is to:

1 - Go home, curl up in a dark room, and whimper.

2 - Go out and eat a dozen brownies. (Sugar is good for shock, yeah, that's the ticket.)

3 - Ask her, "Does 'downsize' mean I'll fit into my skinny jeans?"

4 - Put on your running shoes and do a long run... as far from work as possible.


B) The company has decided to enforce time off during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's holiday weeks. In other words, you're taking the time off whether you have vacation time saved up or not. You decide to:

1 - Buy a bunch of stuff at the mall to cheer yourself up.

2 - Eat your way steadily through all the Thanksgiving leftovers, chocolate Advent calendars, and even aunt Agnes' deadly annual fruitcake. It's wasteful to throw away food, plus there's less clutter that way.

3 - Decide to use the time to finish your Great American Novel (or Great Canadian Novel, Great Peruvian Novel, you get the idea). That way, when the company actually does go under, you'll have a book ready to be published.

4 - Spend the time off working out three or four hours a day. Hey, it worked for Madonna.

C) Because of the relatively low cost of gas, your grandmother, mother-in-law, and your aunt Fanny each expect you to drive to their house for a holiday dinner ... on the same day. Do you:

1 - Forge a doctor's note and try to convince the relatives that you're suffering from lethargy, lumbago, and leprosy.

2 - Drive from one house to the next and eat three full dinners.

3 - Delegate the blame decision and let your significant other decide.

4 - Annoy all three by deciding to do what you want to do instead.


*******************
Add up the numbers to determine how prepared you are, attitude-wise, for the recession.

3 points. You have a sensitive soul, which in this economy means you're probably going to be toast. Need to try the emotional equivalent of boot camp to toughen up -- or else marry a billionaire until the recession is over.

4 - 6 points. Using food as an emotional band-aid is a bad idea when you're supposed to be tightening your belt. Can you try another approach for dealing with turmoil? (And if so, could you let me know what it is?)

7 - 9 points. You have a nice combination of optimism and sneakiness. If you can find a way to throw in some ruthless cunning and guile, you might make it through this downturn relatively unscathed.

10 - 12 points. Given the fact that people who are obese encounter more job discrimination than people who are fit, you're probably in pretty good shape in both senses of the phrase. Of course, you're going to feel pretty silly about all that exercising when the sensitive soul goes out and marries a billionaire, but that's life.

Well, how did you do? Should I do a post on the number of single billionaires in the world today, or do you think you'll get through this okay?

Graphic: Azrainman

On the Menu: Answers, Updates, and Breast Milk?

Please don't let the title of this post scare you--we're not giving away breast milk this week. Our Friday Giveaway is just below. This is just an Odd's & End's post, because we're Odd, and it's the End of the week!


Return of The "What the Heck" Random Post Button

Merry and I thought perhaps we broke it, since we were using it a LOT. (And we were the only ones, as far as I can tell, but what can I say--it amuses us). It randomly calls up old Cranky Fitness Posts from the archives. It's on the right, under "Typical Crankiness."

This clever random post widget had apparently been working just fine for almost a year and a half, but a couple days after we installed it? It broke. (For everyone, not just us).

So if you find yourself at work, and not wanting to get back to something productive yet, check it out! No doubt you'll end up on a lame post like this one, but you never know.


Major Blog Funk Update:

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for all who commented on my meltdown post. I truly do want to keep this blog going, and your helpful, compassionate, understanding, and sometimes hilarious comments really reminded me of why it's so essential to me to stay part of this awesome community of people.

I need to figure out how to get more streamlined over the next few months while I try to get a book proposal together. (Not that there's any reason to think a book proposal would fly. But it's part of the Grand Plan and one of the reasons I started a blog in the first place. I didn't actually plan to blog indefinitely, but hell, now I'm hooked.)

So I'm thinking...

I may not be commenting very often on other folk's blogs over the next few weeks or months. Which is selfish, and probably short-sighted. I will no doubt go into a panic when comments here start to dwindle.

However, I will be stopping by your blogs, to see what you're up to--just not commenting very often.

I know it it sounds silly, but as much as I love it, trying to comment on so many of your fine blogs takes me a huge amount of time. I wish I was better organized and more efficient!


Blogroll Update

In attempting to update the Random Rotating Blogroll, I think I may have lost some of you whom I didn't mean to delete. (Doh!) Plus, there are newer Cranky Fitness Friends who should be on there, but I haven't been very organized about noticing that you're not.

So: are you a somewhat recurrent visitor/commenter/linker to us?

Are we on your blogroll, or if you don't have one, have you mentioned us in some way in the not too distant past?

Do you have a blog which may be of interest to our readers?

Do you keep visiting the site but your blogname NEVER seems to come up in the random blogroll?

Well, if all these are true, then shoot, we need to add you! Sorry. Please leave a comment or send us an email and we'll correct it.

On the other hand, whenever I've even whispered the word "blogroll" in the past, people I've never heard of before (who often have boring blogs) and no relationship to CF sweep in from the far reaches of the blogosphere and ask to be included. We'd like the list to be useful to readers, and stay short enough that everyone sees their name up there fairly frequently. So we'll try to be somewhat selective.


Cranky Quiz Answers:

Not only was Merry was kind enough to assemble the Cranky Quiz, but she provided answers and links. So, how did you all do?

Answers:

1c. Dear Crabby.
2d. The infamous Slanket!
3b. The Lobster
4c. Recycle those old shoes and they'll be turned into rubber-type running surfaces!
5c. Rhoda Runner
6a. Salvia Divinorum
7b. The Cookie diet
8c. The Flat Belly
9a. Hide your alarm clock? As if!
10d. Coffee addiction


And What's That about Breast Milk on the Menu?

Yep, literally.

Over at L.A. Time's Booster Shots, they're reporting about a Swiss chef who plans to put human breast milk on the menu at his restaurant. He'd like to feature soups and stews that are up to 75% breast milk. (Local authorities, however, take a dim view of it).

And Peta chimed in too, sending a letter to Ben and Jerry's, asking them to start using human mother's milk instead of cow's milk for health reasons.

I have a strong, reflexive "acccck" reaction. But why should it seem gross? Why is the idea of consuming human milk so unappealing, when we are, actually, human? It really is arguably more natural than drinking cows milk. But, well, .... yuck.

Update: I just discovered after I wrote this that yet again, Healthbolt beat me to it and already posted on this. That's what I get for dawdling. They really are a great source of weird health news.

So what do you think of adult humans eating stuff made from breast milk? (Anyone ever tried it?)

Test Your Crankiness

Image: interllectual

I was going to put together this well-reasoned, deeply intellectual and incredibly scintillating post about ... oh, something or other. Exercising, I think. But Crabby's post of day gone by got me thinking about the history of the blog.

In my most assuredly non-professional opinion, the occasional mood of 'feeling down' is not a bad thing at all. It's like a flag thrown up by the subconscious trying to get some important message through my oft clueless awake self. I don't enjoy feeling depressed, but it sometimes feels like a necessary adjustment period.

I would also like to mention that I think there's a great community of people who comment on this blog. Sometimes it's tempting to take out the post and just leave the comments. They're good.

And speaking of good... are you feeling smart today? Think you know Cranky Fitness? Sure about that? I've put together a quiz based on the long year and a half amount of time that Cranky Fitness has been cranking out crank wise words about fitness.

There's no prize except for the sheer joy of intellectual fulfillment. But that's nothing to sneer at.

1. Before the Ask Cranky Fitness posts, what kind of advice column was
offered?
a) The Doctor is in... gimme the quarter
b) Whaddya want to know?
c) Dear Crabby
d) Silly questions, sillier answers, no charge

2. What does Crabby want for Christmas?
a) Squash!
b) Whirled peas
c) Either of the above, so long as it is covered in chocolate
d) Her very own warm slanky robe

3. What is the name of Crabby's significant other?
a) The Crayfish
b) The Lobster
c) The Cuttlefish
d) The Significant Other

4. What is the Cranky Fitness recommendation as to what you can do with your old running shoes?
a) Rush them to the nearest HazMat facility
b) Palm them off on unsuspecting friends and relations
c) Recycle them at an obliging store
d) I can't repeat that in public!

5. Which of the following is a type of runner, according to Cranky Fitness?
a) Roger Rabbit
b) Selma Slug
c) Rhoda Runner
d) Twinkle Toes

6. Which one of the following is a legal* hallucinogen, according to Ms. Crab?
a) Salvia Divinorum
b) Psilocybin mushrooms (a.k.a. 'shrooms, dude!)
c) Kava Kava
d) Coffee

*Legal in the U.S. We're not talking what's legal in Amsterdam; that would make for a much longer list.

7. What diet did Sara from Healthbolt write about in a guest post?
a) The cupcake diet
b) The cookie diet
c) The ice cream with hot fudge diet
d) The pizza diet

8. Which body part did Crabby worry about for a whole post?
a) The flat ass
b) The flat chest
c) The flat belly
d) The flat feet

9. Which of the following was not one of Crabby's recommendations for getting up in the morning?
a) Hide your alarm clock
b) Get a dog
c) Get a cat
d) Drink a gallon of water right before bedtime

10. What addiction does Crabby freely, and indeed shamelessly, admit to?
a) Late night encounters with Baskin & Robbins
b) A collection of Barry Manilow records
c) Pizza with gratuitous anchovies
d) Hot coffee lovin'

Okay, put down your pencils. How'd you do?

What, you're not sure? I'll see if I can persuade Crabby to post the answers tomorrow. I suspect she's planning a cool and tantalizing giveaway, but maybe I can slip the answer post in afterwards. In very small print or something.

Answers here.

What type of runner are you?

[By Merry]

HammockTime

Since it’s the day before the Friday before a holiday weekend (at least it is in my neck of the woods), we thought this would be the perfect time to throw out a quiz. (Because right now we don’t have an attention span long enough to scour the medical journals for the latest fitness news and stuff like that.)

Not sure how you fit into the world of running fitness? Take this handy quiz and become even more confused find out!

(And if you're not a runner? 90% of the quiz is equally applicable to people who walk, bicycle, kick boxes, etc. Besides, you've been working hard! You need a break. Tell your boss I said it was okay.)

Do you:
a) Run whenever you can fit it into the schedule, whatever
b) Run last thing at night because you promised you’d run today and the day’s not ended until midnight, damn it
c) Run first thing in the morning to make sure you don’t miss it
d)Run first thing in the morning because you can’t stand the thought of going more than 8 hours without giving those pearl izumis a workout

Would you rather have:
a) a hammock and a lifetime supply of beer
b) an all-expense-paid week at a luxurious spa
c) a new pair of running shoes that fit you like a dream
d) a run where you pass the fastest runners in the world

Your approach to tracking your progress is to:
a) plan to plan a running schedule, but never actually get around to doing it
b) reward yourself for each goal met
c) track your mileage to see how much you’ve improved
d) note down each time you beat your own personal record

If a fairy godmother were to grant you one wish, would you choose:
a) to be incredibly popular
b) to be extremely fit
c) to be able to run without ever getting hurt
d) to get better the older you get
e) just kidding – there is no e) answer. Pick one of the four above. Sorry.

If your house were on fire, what would you do?
a) Grab the significant other, the kids, the dog, and the dog’s pet goldfish
b) You’ve done enough fire drills with the family so that everyone knows what to do, which means you have time to grab your PDA
c) Grab the significant other, the kids, the dog, the dog’s pet goldfish, and your iPod
d) Hey, the s.o. will grab the kids, and the dog can carry the goldfish bowl – you should make sure about your new pearl izumis!


Score:
Count up the number of a, b, c, and d answers.

Types of runners:


If you responded with mostly a) answers, then your type of runner is:
Syndee Sloth
You're about as interested in being a runner as Britney Spears is in being an underwear model. You’ve perfectly happy with putting off running as much as possible, and catching up on your television watching instead. If everybody else is running, then yeah, you’ll run too. Or jog, anyway. Half-heartedly. Have you ever considered taking up bowling instead? Life’s too short to do something you’re really not into.


If you responded with mostly b) answers, then your type of runner is:
Dan Dogged
You aren’t so much disciplined as you are stubborn. You like the way you feel after a run, even if you don’t enjoy the running itself. If there were a way to get fit and feel good without running, you’d take it. But until you find another way, you’re going to stay fit by gritting your teeth and pounding the pavement.


If you responded with mostly c) answers, then your type of runner is:
Rhoda Runner
You run for the love of running, but you’re not interested in competition. You’re in it for the long haul, are lean but not mean, and will keep running until your knees give out.


If you responded with mostly d) answers, then your type of runner is:
Jack Rabbit
You are an eager beager, can’t wait to run. Can’t bother with jogging, you go for the thrill, go for the kill, you are the epitome of a Pearl Izumi ad runner.

How did you do? I must confess I'm hanging my head in shame ... move over Syndee...

A Very Cranky Year

[By Crabby]



Was it really a whole year ago that Cranky Fitness ran its first post even though no one was around yet to read it?

Holy crap, that sure went by fast!

For those of you me who were there from the very beginning, lets take a nostalgic trip down memory lane, shall we? And for you folks who came along later, don't worry: it's not too late to catch up. Just quit your job, abandon your children, divorce your spouse and settle down with the archives for a few weeks. You can read all the posts and comments, and soon you'll know everything there is to know about Cranky Fitness!

Once you've done that, take the Cranky Fitness First Anniversary Quiz. Or just take it anyway and get a bunch of the answers wrong.

The correct answers will be provided soon, in the comment section, when Crabby gets around to rounding them up.

Don't feel like a quiz? Then just skip down and say hello to the Crab at the end of the post. Not a particularly flattering picture, but what the hell. It seemed like time.



How Well Do You Know Cranky Fitness?


1. Crabby hardly posted on the blog at all this month because she was too busy:

a. Giving birth to an 8 lb 2 oz baby boy;
b. Serving time in county jail for assaulting a mime;
c. Moving cross-country in order to walk on some rocks;
d. Auditioning for American Idol;
e. F*cking Matt Damon.


2. "Fran"; "Lobster"; "Moo." These are names or nicknames for Crabby's:

a. Sister; Favorite Dinner Entree; Rear End;
b. RV; Wife; Favorite Abstract Artist;
c. Mother; Favorite Cocktail; Dog;
d. Brother-in-Law; Car; Favorite Exclamation Whenever Directed to Do Something.


3. Short Answer question: Without going back to check the archives, what momentous event in Cranky Fitness history happened on November 22, 2007? _______________


4. What does "MUFA" mean?

a. It's a scarf-like piece of clothing worn over the neck and mouth to retain moisture and aid breathing in cold dry air;
b. It's a slang term for a common sexual act;
c. It's a really yummy sandwich full of fried things that has 47,034 calories;
d. It's a healthy oil that magically reduces belly fat.


5. What Do the Awesome blogs Sister Skinny, Back in Skinny Jeans, Big Fat Deal, Lose the Buddah, and a humble little blog called Craggy Feelings have in common? __________________________________


6. A "Slanket" is:

a. A piece of jewelry worn on the ankle that also functions as a pedometer;
b. A garment worn by celebrants of an obscure religious cult during sacred ceremonies;
c. A New Zealand brand of candy similar to the American "M&M;"
d. A young woman of easy virtue.


7. What do favorite commenters Holly and "Mary Anne from Kentucky" have in common? ___________________________


8. According to a news item featured on Cranky Fitness, the Pentagon once considered developing what sort of military equipment?

a. A bomb that would turn enemy soldiers gay;
b. A bulletproof bra for female combatants;
c. A genetically engineered army ant colony capable of infiltrating enemy barracks and devouring the human occupants thereof;
d. A shoulder-fired rocket that on detonation would emit an odor just like farts.

9. A highly disproportionate number of Cranky Fitness commenters are, compared to the general population:
a. Argumentative;
b. Fashion-conscious;
c. Republican;
d. Canadian.


10. Merry, being more ambitious than Crabby, aspires one day to complete a Century bike ride (100 miles!) and also to finish a:

a. Marathon;
b. Triathlon;
c. 401K;
d. An Entire Ferris Wheel Ride without Throwing Up.


11. Which of Crabby's blog friends lost a bet and was forced to teach a fitness class in a revealing Jane-Fondaesque leotard, complete with leg warmers, and pose for a multitude of humiliating pictures?

Hint:



12. Which of the following search queries artificially inflated Cranky Fitness google hits for several months?

a. Lose Weight Fast;
b. Nude Aerobics;
c. Great Big Bouncy Breasts;
d. Humongous Penis.


13. Three of our favorite commenters are related to each other, though not to Crabby (that she knows of). Who are they and where do they blog?


14. It took a while to abandon the practice, because Bossy does it, it seems to work well for her, and Crabby is a great admirer of all things Bossy. However, a number of months ago Crabby realized it was time to stop:

a. Replying to comments in Pig Latin;
b. Composing blog posts in the nude;
c. Tossing off three or four Cosmopolitans before commenting on other blogs;
d. Writing all her blog posts in the Third Person.


15. Crabby just wants to finish off this post by saying:

a. Thank you everyone, it's been a blast!
b. Thank you everyone, you all crack me up!
c. Thank you everyone, you're a really smart, thoughtful group of people!
d. Thank you everyone, I feel like I've made some real friends here and you are all awesome!
e. All of the above.


It's been a fun year, hope y'all will stick with us at least a while longer!

Greetings from the Crab in Provincetown!

A Cranky Fitness Quiz

[By Merry and Crabby]

Could We Get Any More Imaginative with the Visual Aids?

Here at Cranky Fitness, we have a love/hate relationship with scientific and medical research. Sometimes we learn really useful information (dark chocolate and avocados are good for you!), but often these studies just mess with our heads.

Plus, they bring up so many questions. Questions like:

Is the source reliable? Are the findings replicated anywhere else? Do the results confuse causation and correlation? Why do the researchers have such weird names? And finally: how on earth do some of these people get funding for such idiotic ideas?

But, well, this is a health blog. So in order to fill up space without having to think of anything original bring you the latest health research findings, we do at times have rely on research even if we don't entirely trust it. And now we'd like to share this very same discomfort with you folks!

So here's the deal, if you're feeling up for a challenge.

For each group of four research findings, try to pick out the real one from the alternatives we've made up.

Answers will be provided... over the weekend! But feel free to speculate in the comments section, unless you've actually seen the real study in question in which case please keep your smarty-pants answers to yourself.

No prizes, alas, but do check back in over the weekend to see how well you did (or not).

And note: some of our fake answers may accidentally be true. We weren't willing to stay up all night googling in order to find out. So bonus bragging rights are available to anyone who can demonstrate more than one answer has research to back it up.

Ready? Sharpen your pencils--and then put them back down again, for heaven's sake, unless you want to poke holes in your computer monitor. This is just the internet, remember?

1. Music and Health:

In comparison to the general population:

a. People who prefer classical music are more likely to suffer from ulcers.

b. Country music fans are more likely to be suicidal.

c. Heavy metal music fans are more likely to get divorced.

d. Those who listen to jazz are more likely to have substance abuse problems.


2. Creative surgery:

If you need an unusual surgical solution, and Dr. House is not available, you might be desperate enough to undergo one of these surgical techniques (one of which is genuine):

a. Transplant a tooth to restore a patient's eyesight.

b. Use leeches to transfer blood, having them suck the blood from the donor and then bite the recipient and allow the blood to drain into the veins.

c. Transplant totipotent adult stem cells into a patient’s eye to regrow the connective tissue between the retinal epithelium and a detached retina.

d. Graft tissue from a patient’s spleen onto their thyroid gland to help protect the thyroid from the effects of chronic autoimmune hypothyroiditis.

3. Does sex count as exercise?

Whether it does or not probably won't have any effect on its popularity. However, one of these studies about sex and exercise is true. Researchers found that:

a. It turns out that athletes who abstain from sex prior to a competition really do have improved times on the track.

b. Cyclists who ride more than 100 miles a week actually had less difficulty conceiving children that cyclists who rode fewer miles a week.

c. Baseball players who used a nicotine patch instead of chewing tobacco were found to possess sperm with increased motility.

d. Runners who increased their stamina on a treadmill found their sexual stamina had increased as well.

4. Emergency Medicine:

If you suffer one of these unfortunate accidents and can't get proper medical treatment, which of these is a reasonably effective alternative?

a. If you accidentally swallow a black-widow spider, to neutralize the venom you should drink chocolate syrup--at least 3 cans would be optimal (if you happen to live in a grocery store).

b. If you are stricken with a sudden episode of vertigo, try hitting your head sharply several times with a heavy but not sharp object (using less force than would likely cause concussion). The spot to aim for is in the back of the head, at approximately eye level.

c. If you should overdose on antifreeze, you should try to get totally, spectacularly, shit-faced drunk on the most potent alcohol you can find.

d. If you suffer a terrifying panic attack in an airplane, try standing on your head. (But only if you can do so without being arrested and water-boarded as a suspected terrorist, otherwise this remedy will not be particularly helpful in warding off future panic attacks.)

5. Department of the Obvious:

All of these findings are probably true, but which one was actually funded and published?

a. If you consume approximately eight times the recommended dosage of an over-the-counter laxative, you will likely suffer from gastrointestinal distress.

b. Downhill skiers who have a blood alcohol level of over .10 are more likely to injure themselves and require hospitalization.

c. If you sit around in really cold temperatures for an hour, you will be more uncomfortable if your underwear is wet.

d. Children who have bitten two or more of their classmates tend to be less popular than average.

6. Eyesight and the future:

If you find that you've started having trouble with your eyes, which of these scenarios should you most worry about?

a. Difficulty seeing will lead to difficulty peeing, since when you're out in public you won't be able to see where to go and will feel constrained to hold it in, ultimately leading to nephritis.

b. People who have trouble with their eyesight are more likely to suffer a stroke or heart attack

c. Problems with eyesight will lead to a greater likelihood of developing diabetes.

d. Losing your eyesight is linked to difficulties with hearing: people who can't see often turn to playing their music too loud as a way to deal with the frustrations caused by the impairment.

So, think you did really well? Here's another challenge. This one is particularly for the readers/writers in the crowd, who know something about "voice" and whatnot. Can you guess which 3 questions were written by Crabby and which 3 were by Merry? And yes, we are aware that some of you think we are the same person. You can still guess anyway.

Have a great Friday everyone!

The Holidays - A Survival Quiz

Note: This post was not written by Crabby, but by Mary, who hosts the awesome blog Sheesh. Does this mean Crabby is heading off for another extended unannounced vacation and filling in with guest posts? You wish!

Nah, Crabby is still very much here, busy preparing for Thanksgiving -- in fact, she's probably in the kitchen this very moment pilfering marshmallows meant for the yams preparing healthy side dishes for the Thanksgiving feast. Or gosh, she might be just pausing for a second or two to recall petty childhood grievances and figure out how to work them into conversations feel grateful for chance to reminisce with family about all those good times!

(For further explanation as to Mary's mysterious presence here and other Blog Announcements, see the preceding post in which all some is revealed!)


But don't go anywhere before testing your holiday readiness with the...

HOLIDAY SURVIVAL QUIZ!

1. Your aunt Gussie serves the world's richest brownies. She also can whip up a formidable side dish of Guilt if you don't appreciate her food. Food is love. Refusing her brownies would lead into a treacherous quagmire of intrafamilial politics and possibly World War III. What do you do?

a) Gush enthusiastically, and put the tray of brownies on the low table, which by an amazing coincidence is exactly on the same level as your three-year-old nephew and your cousin's four-year-old twins. Look puzzled when, a few minutes later, the tray is completely empty.

b) Take one brownie. Tell your aunt Gussie that you promised your mother you would always chew your food 30 times. Lose count and have to start over again.

c) Eat the whole tray of brownies yourself and resolve to do better next time.



2. Your aunt Agnes has sent you her best regards and… cue dramatic music… her DAFC (dreaded annual fruit cake). Luckily, she lives on the other side of the continent. You can either:

a) Write her a blissfully ecstatic thank you card and throw the DAFC in the trash.

b) Write a b.e.t.y. card and save the fruitcake for the office lunchroom.

c) Eat the damn thing, which will of course make you so nauseous that you are disinclined to eat ever again, thus resulting in a negative caloric gain over the holidays. Don't forget the thank you card.


3. Your aunt Petey lives across town. There is no escape when she comes over for a holiday dinner with a pleased look on her face and a dish of a marshmallowy sweet potato confection in her hands. Do you:

a) Accidentally drop your serving on the floor and sigh dramatically when the dog eats it.

b) Eat only a few bites, mentioning your recently discovered allergy to marshmallows.

c) Eat the whole thing, rationalizing it with the theory that sweet potatoes are vegetables and vegetables are good for you.


4. The admin in your office comes in with several batches of homemade fudge in different flavors. She beams at you proudly when you walk into the office lunchroom and then she invites you to try one … of each batch. Do you:

a) Run screaming from the office, lodge a claim of caloric harassment, sue your company for millions of dollars, and end up buying a yacht in the Caribbean.

b) Take one piece of fudge, smile, and say that you want to leave some for the rest of the group.

c) Have several pieces of each batch. You don't want to hurt her feelings.



Scoring:


One point for each a answer. Two points for each b answer. Three points for each c answer.



Your results:


4 points: you are devious, dramatic, and/or demented. I like you.

5-8 points: you are a moderately well adjusted person who will probably gain a pound or two, but otherwise make it through the holidays relatively unscathed ( i.e. you won't have to face any scathing relatives).

9 or more points: you're doomed, but at least you're enjoying the ride. Hide the scale and all your mirrors until January.

Multiple Choice

Why Yes, This Is the Same Stock Photo
Crabby Uses Over and Over Again

1. The reason there is not a Real blog post at Cranky Fitness today is because Crabby was:

a) Busy preparing to celebrate the 17th anniversary of her (not-yet-legal-in-this-stupid-ass-country) Marriage-like Union with the most amazing Lobster in the world;

b) Too excited about Cranky Fitness being mentioned in Women's Health magazine to get much done;

c) Unable to think of anything good to write about;

d) Too busy dragging some of the nastiest, smelliest, heaviest, disgustingest carpet remnants and other bug-infested cat-pee-soaked items out of the basement for a dump run; or,

e) All of the above.


2. Since there's nothing much going on at Cranky Fitness today, you should go visit another better blog that Women's Health also mentioned, like:

a) Back In Skinny Jeans;

b) Sister Skinny;

c) Big Fat Deal;

d) Lose the Buddah;

e) All of the above.


3. And Crabby will be back soon with her usual:

a) Hastily-researched, sloppily-written health news summaries;

b) Questionable fitness advice;

c) Posts that have nothing at all to do with health or fitness;

d) Awesome blog comments by Smart Funny Readers since the comments are the best reason for stopping by Cranky Fitness in the first place;

e) All of the Above.


The answers to the Multiple Choice Quiz are, of course: (e), (e), and (e)!

And while Crabby will indeed be back soon, it may be a lamer, lazier week than usual due to the upcoming (U.S.) Thanksgiving holiday. She apologizes, especially to all her Canadian readers, whose Thanksgiving she missed entirely because she totally didn't even realize it was happening way back then.

Fat and Getting Fatter

(Photo courtesy of Plan 59)

You probably saw the headlines a couple of days ago, though you may have already forgotten them, because the message is depressingly familiar. Americans Fatter Than Ever, they keep saying.

This summary of the Trust for America obesity report has an interactive map (if you scroll down a bit) so you can click on your state to see how well it stacks up. (Or, well, out). The three states with the highest percentages of obesity are:

Mississippi - 30.6%;

West Virginia - 29.8 %; and

Alabama - 29.4%.

As opposed to the "best" states, which are:

Colorado - 17.6 %;

Massachusetts - 19.8%; and

Vermont - 20%.

Way to go Colorado! Well, at least for now. Because Colorado is getting fatter too--like most other states, their rates increased over last year's.

The report also tracked overweight kids for the first time, ages 10 to 17. The District of Columbia had the highest percentage (tsk, D.C.!) at 22.8%, and Utah had the lowest at 8.5 percent.

Now a previous CDC study had put national adult obesity rates even higher, at 32%. Does this mean we've lost weight since then? Well, no. In that study, they actually weighed people. This current report used a phone survey. Care to make an educated guess which one might be more accurate? "Ma'am? We're doing an obesity study, can you please tell me exactly how much you weigh?"

Lack of exercise is one of the culprits. The CDC found last year that more than 22 percent of Americans did not engage in any physical activity in the past month. This rose to 30 percent in Mississippi, Louisiana, Kentucky and Tennessee. But just head to any mall food court and observe for a while--there are plenty of other factors involved, and these tend to be battered and fried and sugar-coated and jelly-filled and grilled and Supersized and smeared with mayo and piled with extra cheese.

So we've had another year of Speeches and Awareness Campaigns and Fussing and Wailing and Breast-Beating about Obesity, but it seems to have done little good. At least as far as the general population goes. Oh sure, there is the occasional victory when a school updates its vending machines or a big corporation starts up a fitness program. But from top to bottom our culture is almost Totally Screwed Up About health and fitness and does not appear to changing--at least not in the right direction.

(For just one example, take this appalling quiz, spotted by Lady Rose at Diet Pulpit.)

So this is just more useless Wailing, because the people who visit Cranky Fitness are those who read health and fitness blogs to begin with. Even if you have made mistakes in the past, or have crappy metabolisms and are struggling with weight issues, you are most likely not the folks who are ordering Triple Bacon Burgers and quaffing 1200 calorie milkshakes and refusing to walk any further than it takes to get from your couch to the car to drive it to Pizza Hut.

Nor are you the developers who are planning more communities with no running trails, parks, bicycle paths, or even sidewalks. You're not the parents who are stuffing your children full of sugar and transfats and plopping them in front of the T.V. to sit for hours at a time. You aren't the bureaucrats who declare candy bars a healthy snack food for kids. You're not the restaurant owners who refuse to include whole grains on the menu, limit vegetables to a few leaves of Iceberg lettuce, and drown everything in butter.

This post is really for the people not reading it right now.

And sure, all this stuff is hard, and harder when you're poor and overworked and underprivileged. But some people don't even seem to be trying, at all. And many of you here are struggling financially. And you're busy and tired and the last thing you feel like doing is exercising or making a meal using healthy whole foods at the end of a long day, when a bucket of fried chicken might taste just fine and is whole lot easier to come by.

But you try your best most days anyway and grumble when you can't find nonfat milk or fresh fruit at your company cafeteria because no one else but you seems to want it.

So what the hell, for the people not reading this, we're going to yell at you even if you can't hear us.

Take Care of Yourselves and You'll Feel Better! Eat More Healthy Stuff and Less Crap! Get Your Butts Off the Couch and Exercise! Teach Your Kids to Do All This Stuff Too!

Ah, that was quite satisfying to let loose. But Fat lot of good it will do.

What's That THING In My Brain?

A while back Crabby took a test and discovered something unexpected and malignant hidden within her brain. Don't worry; it wasn't a tumor! This was not a medical test.

However, it was very, very creepy.

Crabby discovered a shocking Unconscious Prejudice of which she was completely unaware!

If you can spare a few minutes, you might want to find out if you have a similar affliction. (It's not a really quick test, and there are a number of things you have to click to get going, but it's worth persevering.) Crabby is hoping at least a few of you will go to this website and give one of these a try--then you can please tell her why the whole concept behind the tests is completely flawed and the results don't mean anything at all. Because unfortunately, from what Crabby could tell it all looked pretty legitimate. Perhaps they mean some other "Harvard University?" There's got to be more than one, right?

Anyway, for those of you who don't have the time or patience for these things, here's the deal:

You can choose among a variety of subjects to test your unconscious biases--there are tests on race and age and weight, etc.

You then answer a bunch of questions that measure your conscious attitudes toward your chosen subject.

Then you take the test! You have to make quick determinations about things--too quick to allow your conscious mind be entirely in charge of the process.

Then you find out your results.

The good news is, not everyone harbors terrible unconscious biases! The bad news: a lot of us who do are completely unaware of it.

Check this out: Crabby is (ulp) homophobic. Just try explaining this to the Lobster! This was NOT the result she expected.

She needs some of you smarty-pants scientists to help her out here. This can not be right!

Because if THAT unlikely bit of nastiness could be residing in her brain, leaving no conscious trace, what the hell else could be down there?

Even if you don't feel like taking one of the tests, Crabby is very curious as to whether you all feel you might harbor unconscious attitudes that are in contradiction to what you Actually Think about things. Ever been surprised at yourself? At other people you know?

Personality Quiz: What Kind of Food Freak Are You?

So here's your chance to answer a bunch of questions and get annoyed when the results say something about you that isn't true!

Yes, it's time for the Cranky Fitness Food Freak Personality Test. And this is the particularly vexing kind where there's no good "normal" answer, and you're forced to make a choice among things you don't agree with. Then you add up your score at the end and have the test call you some sort of Freak, even though you swear you're not!

Sound like fun? How can you resist. Anyway, here we go. Instructions: pick the answer you least disagree with. Make a mental note if you waver between more than one: you may be a Combination Freak, as will be explained later.


1. It is your birthday and your best friends are treating you to lunch. They encourage you to order anything you want! You have exercised that morning, eaten small to moderate portions of healthy food all week, and are not allergic to any ingredients on the menu. You would most likely order:

(a) A big juicy burger or a buttery grilled cheese sandwich or fried chicken, with fries or onion rings, followed by chocolate cake or apple pie or a ice cream sundae;

(b) A big salad with lots of greens and lean protein, just a touch of dressing, and perhaps a few bites of sorbet afterwards because it's your birthday!

(c) Whatever on the menu was organic, whether it was choice (a) or choice (b);

(d) Nothing but bottled water wiped with a disinfecting towelette if you happened to notice, earlier while in the restroom stall, that someone left the bathroom without washing their hands. Suppose it was your waitperson?


2. You got caught in a meeting at work and couldn't get out for lunch. Now it's 1:30 and you're starving! A co-worker hears your stomach growl and offers you a left-over ham and cheese sandwich on sourdough--she picked it up from the deli an hour ago, she decided she didn't want it after all. Assume you're not a vegetarian. You refuse because:

(a) What do you mean I refuse? I'm starving! I finished that puppy before you got past "sourdough!"

(b) It's way too fattening. Plus, it's only five hours or so until dinner--that's not too long to wait.

(c) The ham is full of nitrites and the mayo probably has corn syrup in it and the sourdough is all refined flour and not whole grain!

(d) If it's been out of the refrigerator for over an hour, it could be full of bacteria!


3. You really shouldn't drink lots and lots of diet soft drinks because:

(a) They taste like crap compared to real ones, so why would you bother?

(b) You shouldn't? Says who! They have no calories in them!

(c) They're full of artificial sweeteners and other potential carcinogens.

(d) They make you pee a lot and you might have to use a germ-infested public restroom.

4. The best thing about camping and outdoor cooking is:

(a) Hamburgers, hot dogs, and S'mores;

(b) All the extra calories you burn hiking all day and trekking to the restroom half a mile each way at night, and the fact that half the food ends up burned so you're not tempted to eat it;

(c) Trail Mix;

(d) There's nothing good about camping; there's dirt everywhere and you can't get enough hot water to disinfect anything!

5. A dear sweet old friend or relative has slaved for hours to make you a special treat. She offers you a basket of home-made cookies and waits with great anticipation for you to enjoy one. But then she says the one thing that's going to make it impossible to eat the cookie, thereby possibly breaking the ol' gal's heart. What would that be?

"I hope you don't mind dear, but...

(a) "I thought it might be healthier if I left out all that refined white flour and sugar and butter and eggs, so instead I used lentil flour and ground flax seeds and sweetened it all up with a little yam juice!"

(b) "The recipe did say these were 450 calories each, and that's before I added the extra macadamia nuts and caramel and chocolate chips..."

(c) "And these are very low cal because I used Equal and Pam and egg-beaters! Although I did add some crumbled Oreos to give them some crunch. And see how pretty the colors are? Isn't that Red dye #2 festive looking?

(d) "It was so clumsy of me, I'm afraid I dropped the whole batch on the kitchen floor! But don't worry, I brushed most of the dirt and hair off. Plus, I'm pretty sure I mopped the floor sometime this month, and the cat hardly every throws up in there anymore!"


So, quiz takers, are you good and irritated yet? If not, now it's time to check your answers and call you names!

If you answered mostly "A" you are most likely: Freakishly Lackadaisical about your food choices.

The most extreme Lackadaisical Freaks don't give a rat's ass what they eat, so long as it tastes good and isn't too weirdly healthy. Most average Americans are some version of this--and this is not supposed to be reassuring. Be Very Afraid.

If "B" was your favorite choice, you may be a Diet Freak.

Diet Freaks fear calories and weight gain more than impending death or torture. The most extreme will go to great lengths to avoid enjoying their food because then they might eat too much of it. This is probably the second most common sort of Freakitude.

The most common answer for Crunchy Freaks is "C." Crunchy Freaks will avoid anything not "natural," because it is by definition carcinogenic. They do not need a study to prove this: if it comes from a lab, it's deadly. On the other hand, they will happily justify their chocolate layer cakes from Whole Foods, because the butter, white flour and sugar in them are all Organic. Likewise, the fat that oozes from their juicy cheeseburgers comes from hormone-free cows, so they need not worry where in their arteries it may end up.

And of course the "D's" are our Sanitation Freaks. Extreme Sanitation Freaks fear invisible and ever-multiplying colonies of bacteria, which are just waiting to invade their food and infect them with horrible diseases. Interestingly enough, Sanitation Freaks don't seem any less likely to get sick than those who often forget to refrigerate and eat things right off the floor.

Those of you who had trouble deciding are probably Combination Freaks. It is quite possible to have a pathological fear of calories, carcinogens and germs all at once! This makes it hard to ever eat anything on your plate. But don't worry--the Lackadaisical Freaks can finish that right up for you.

Is everyone good and offended now? Need it be said that this was all a Spoof and and Exaggeration? It seems clear that in actuality, readers of Cranky Fitness are all smart and reasonable and not the least bit Crazy. So please don't go away mad!

But if you were a little freakish, which one would you be? Comments welcome.