It's Alive! The Return of Cranky Fitness?

Wait... I thought I killed this thing!

It makes no sense at all to bring Cranky Fitness back from the dead. No one reads blogs anymore. And of all the blogs people could be not-reading, this one seems an unlikely candidate for resurrection. 

But on the other hand...

I still have an obsession with health and wellness: I want more! I want to be strong and disease-free and live a good long life full of ridiculous adventures. While at the same time, I remain stubbornly slothful and hedonistic. So I want hacks and shortcuts! But not false promises and hype. How to sort it all out? For me, it's still a work in progress.

I also have thoughts on a whole lot of other subjects too, spinning around in my head relentlessy, like the wheel of the worlds fittest hamster. It seems I may need an outlet.

I know that should I decide to keep posting, I'll probably just be talking to myself. But that's ok! As I totter off into my Golden Years I figure I'll be doing more of that anyway. Better here than in line at Stop and Shop.

So for those brave enough to Read More, let's start with a brief update, and then move to possible plans for the future. Including a Cranky Conspiracy with a secret hidden agenda!

Health & Fitness Research Round-Up, Lazy Blogger Edition

So I'm thinking I may start a weekly feature that pretty much just recycles recent health research and other miscellaneous stuff culled from my Twitter feed.  Health blogging doesn't get any lazier than that!

Why stoop so low?  Well, it occurs to me that (a) not everyone on the world is on twitter (b) my sidebar twitter widget probably isn't visible from most blog readers (c) even people who do follow me on Twitter may be following thousands of others folks and sadly, may not be holding their breath every moment of the day waiting for the latest from @CrabbyMcSlacker, and finally (d) if I'm going to waste away hours tweeting about health and fitness anyway, maybe I can leverage an additional blog post with almost no effort!

These little snippets will be edited a bit--I notice that Twitter staples like RT's, @ symbols etc  tend to make non-Twitter types cranky. Some hashtags may stay just 'cause I like 'em. But it means that credit for finding links probably won't be given where it's due. Sorry 'bout that, tweeps.

So here goes practically nothing!

I love when a study says to eat MORE of something!  Study: soluble fiber may reduce belly fat http://tinyurl.com/6kyvy9t

Study says working out an empty stomach won't burn more fat & may deplete muscle: http://nyti.ms/lamUtO

Hey, no fair: older women with more wrinkles also more likely to have low bone density. http://bit.ly/kNpyV7

Weird (but fascinating) study: Ovulation boosts women's "gaydar" http://on-msn.com/jgaWuX. Seems to be about mate choice; only works on men

Study on low-carb vs low-fat diets say both effective: http://on-msn.com/lOuL2h. Low carb faster at first, low fat catches up.

Average American gobbles up 580 calories a day in snacks. I'm guessing that's probably not veggies & hummus? http://on-msn.com/mjMQj1

Y'all have no doubt seen this, but if you missed the Whole Foods Parking Lot video, it's hilarious: http://youtu.be/2UFc1pr2yUU

Florida medical board says rape conviction no reason to keep doctor from practicing medicine: http://cbsloc.al/mNatek #gladIdontlivethere

Silver lining department: if you're over 65 and get breast cancer, you're more likely to die of something else. http://on-msn.com/k1ziyu

Calcium supps may help (a little) with weight loss: http://bit.ly/kiDM0m But they can mess with heart health: http://bit.ly/jX08qa

Study: folks who scarf chips, fries, sodas, red meat & watch tons of tv are fatter. http://on-msn.com/jW1DMi Gosh, who woulda thunk?

WTF? Fat substitutes actually lead to weight gain? http://bit.ly/luzMbs

Note: new post coming out early next week (I think!) and it's actually (a) new and not recycled and (b) health and fitness related!  And it will be appearing here at Cranky Fitness and will not be another sneaky attempt to send you over to my life and wellness coaching website.

Th...th...th...th...that's all, folks!  Have a happy Canada Day and a festive fourth of july weekend!

The Scale of Our Ambitions

Photo via The White House

"...The challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met." --Barack Obama, January 20th, 2009.

I know not everyone was fortunate enough to be able to interrupt a busy workday in order to catch President Obama's inaugural address. But for those of us who saw it: did anyone else find it moving and inspiring?

Politicians are in the business of stringing pretty words together. They tell us flattering things about ourselves and make far-reaching promises for a bright and noble future. Mostly, I don't pay much attention.

This time felt different.

What? Crabby McSlacker, known for her laziness, skepticism, and whining, felt inspired, moved, and energized by a politician's speech? What's this world coming to?

I have to confess, I heard the inaugural address through a partisan filter. Overcome with euphoria at the long-awaited end of the Bush era, I might have cheered the words of an incoming President SpongeBob SquarePants if that's who we'd voted into office.

But re-reading Obama's speech, I'm pretty sure that at least part of my reaction had to do with his eloquent and stirring call to action, and not just my excitement to see the old administration come to a close.

I Needed A Boost

I spend a fair amount of time on the internet reading about health and fitness. Which sounds wholesome and all, but it's frankly sometimes discouraging. We're an unhealthy nation, yet we obsess about flat stomachs and worship anorexic fashion models and act like a bacon cheeseburger, extra large fries and a 64 ounce soft drink is a normal healthy meal.

But aren't there larger, more important issues than the vanity-inspired quest to fit into our skinniest pair of jeans? Yes, I believe there are. First the Fit Bottomed Girls reminded me with a great MLK-themed post, and then Obama came along and gave me another reason to feel like bigger things were at stake.

His speech was not made to Crabby McSlacker about her little health and fitness blog. But... let's pretend it was, shall we? So here, addressing the direction of Cranky Fitness instead of speaking to a troubled world in dire need of hope and new solutions, is President Barack Obama. (And my goodness is that fun to type! President Barack Obama!)


1. On Finding Common Ground

"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord... We come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas..."

Wait, we're supposed to all get along?

In the health and fitness world, we all have our favorite theories about food and fitness. The Atkins people and the Vegans and Weight Watchers and Cronies and Primal folks and the marathoners and the weight lifters and even the Skinny Bitches all take different approaches. And gosh is it fun to argue about it!

Yet all these different camps share some universal goals: to encourage everyone to have a fit, healthy, strong body and a fulfilling and active life.

So why do we spend so much time emphasizing our differences? The vast majority of folks out there are still eating Twinkies and need our encouragement eating any sort of healthy food and getting any sort of exercise.

I know I spend a lot of time poking fun at people who say things I don't agree with. So in the future, instead of mocking others for taking points of view different from mine, I'll ...

Yeah, so I'm lying. I'm gonna keep right on making fun of things I think are dumb. This is Cranky Fitness after all.

However, I'll try to mention a few more positives! And I'll also remember to poke equal fun at myself too, for all the dumb things I fall for. Thanks, Barack!

2. On Acting Like Adults

"The time has come to set aside childish things..."

So many of our personal health and fitness challenges could be easily met if we did a better job of acting like grownups. I'm incredibly fortunate: I can afford healthy food; I have enough spare time to exercise, and I have a safe, non-violent, non-toxic place to live and work and thrive. Yet all too often I sabotage my own health with childish decisions and poison myself with nasty chemicals just because they taste good!

So many people don't even have healthy options; how can I just waste mine?

There is something about having a smart, serious, self-disciplined adult leading our nation that makes me want to try harder not to conduct myself like a selfish infant. For example, if President Obama isn't too busy leading the free world to work out regularly... um, just what the heck is my excuse???

So sure, Mr. President, I'll set aside those childish things... er, just as soon as I finish this cupcake.


3. On Earning Achievements (Uh Oh).

"In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame."


No short cuts? No preferring leisure over work?

Sorry, Barack, I'm gonna have to think this one over a bit and get back to you. I'm not sure I'm ready to change my name to Crabby McDiligent. In fact, "the pleasures of riches and fame" sound kinda cool. Is there any way I could have some of that without any actual effort on my part?

Sigh. You're right, though. I'll try, I promise, to be a little less Slacky.

Oh, unless you were just talking to the One Rule For a Flat Stomach folks?

You weren't, were you. Darn.

4. On Helping Others

"For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate."

These examples, like the "Dreams" post I mentioned above over at FBG, remind me that so many people are in need. There are families all over the world who are caught in wars, suffer horrible abuse, and don't even have the basics in terms of sanitation, food, and drinking water. And there are plenty closer to home who are suffering as well. Whether it be money, time, or even a kind or encouraging word at just the right moment... there will always be a need for whatever we can spare. There may be scary times ahead before things get better.

So no smartass asides here, Mr. President... this is good stuff.


5. On The Power of Big Plans

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage."

I tend to focus on the Cranky part of Cranky Fitness--how hard it all seems sometimes to forego the easy road; to do the work necessary and battle the seductive temptations of a self-indulgent lifestyle.

But I often forget to mention, let alone celebrate, the amazing victories ordinary folks have achieved through determination and hard work! And not just for themselves, but for their families and communities.

Words have power to inspire, and with inspiration comes action, and with action comes change.

President Barack Obama, if the power of your words could inspire me, Crabby McSlacker, into wanting to make changes in my own life... then wow, words must be powerful motivators! Perhaps I should remember to use that power for good occasionally and not just snarkiness.


"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them."

Has it? Did I just feel something quiver? That would be wonderful indeed.


Does anyone else feel hopeful or inspired despite the hard times that loom ahead? What helps you feel more energized and less discouraged?

Who is the real loser here?

This might be a contentious post. But before you get mad at me, somebody please explain this to me: why is The Biggest Loser seen as a positive show?

I've been hearing people talk about this show for months, and I finally saw it this week. Someone please explain the appeal to me.


Seriously. I'm not trying to sound bitchy; I just don't get it. In case you didn't watch it, I'll explain what has me stumped.

I saw a man get up on the scale to be weighed. He lost three pounds in a week. Last I checked, the sight of someone who is overweight losing three pounds is a good thing. Even though three pounds in one week is above the recommended amount for healthy loss, it's weight loss that's not a radical shock to the system.

The man heard the amount of weight he'd lost, and his face fell. He was downcast. He bared his teeth in an 'I'm being a good sport, damn it' grin, and managed to get out something along the lines of "well, it's better than nothing."

Excuse me? What kind of an upside-down reality is this where losing three pounds is 'better than nothing'? The values being preached here seem totally screwed to me.

I realize they tried to give the show a positive angle by showing people going back to their friends and family after having lost weight. I am glad that they included segments on how people are still exercising after they leave. But still, the point of the show itself is to lose numbers on the scale as fast as possible.

By focusing the competition on losing pounds, it seems like the emphasis is on doing whatever the hell you have to do to lose the weight. Doesn't matter how much you've improved your health, how much cardiovascular fitness you've gained, how much farther you can run or how much more weight you can lift. All that matters is the numbers on the damn scale.

Ryan Benson, a winner on the show, revealed how he won:
I wanted to win so bad that the last ten days before the final weigh-in I didn't eat one piece of solid food! If you've heard of "The Master Cleanse" that's what I did. It's basically drinking lemonade made with water, fresh squeezed lemon juice, pure maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. The rules of the show said we couldn't use any weight-loss drugs, well I didn't take any drugs, I just starved myself!


To me, any 'weight loss' show where someone who starves themselves would do better than someone who improves their fitness is not a show people should watch.

When I achieve world domination, I will design reality shows that actually let people win when they improve. Why not have a show that rewards people not for losing weight, but for gaining stamina? Measure a bunch of unfit people at the start of the show, test them for how far they can run, or how much they can lift, or something like that. Then test them again each week and reward the people who show the most improvement. Screw the scale! Screw numbers that only focus on size rather than health!

Cool people like Fit Bottomed Girls and Scale Junkie watch this show. From the comments I've read, apparently you watch it too. (Yes, you over there in the corner. You know who you are.) So what gives?

Please let me know why you think this show is something that people should watch. Or let me know what kind of a fitness reality show you plan to host once you achieve world domination.

Photo credit: Luis Munoz.

Diabetic? Who cares?

Hear no diabetes, speak no diabetes, get photo from Flickr.

According to the CDC, 1/4 of Americans have prediabetes and don't know it.

Wait a minute. Back up and read that again. 1 out of 4?

Here's another statistic. The rate of people who already have diabetes has gone up by 90%. And WebMD says that may be an underestimate. (They also say the number of people who already have prediabetes is 1 out of 3.)

Type II Diabetes: easy to control, dangerous to ignore

Even though yes, I know, there are tons of people out there who are either at risk or already have the disease and don't know it, this still surprises me.

The trouble is that if you're reading this post, you probably are not one of the people with prediabetes, because you are interested in regular exercise and a healthy diet. But I will guarantee that someone you know -- maybe someone you love -- is one of the statistics.

I mean, damn! In the early stages at least, prediabetes and Type II diabetes are easily controllable disorders. And they can be controlled by the individual; it's not a situation where you have to put yourself in the hands of others and take a bucketful of weird and expensive drugs with powerful side effects.

People who know better and don't bother

It's frustrating. As an example, take this guy I know. Extremely well-educated (well, I assume lawyers are educated, they sure know a lot of words I don't) so you would think he could bother to read about the risks of Type II diabetes, you would think he would bother to find out the minimal steps necessary to deal with the condition. The only concession he made to his condition was to take his medication. (Yes, he did switch to lite beer, and he did minimize the amount of red wine to a couple of drinks a night, but I don't call those concessions.)

The thing is that Type II diabetes is one of those diseases that you CAN do something about: diet and exercise and (definitely 3rd in the list) medication can control the symptoms and progression of the disease.

So why are there so many people out there who can't be bothered?

Diabetes doesn't go away if you ignore it!

My anger in this case is all the stronger because if you don't take care of the situation, You Get Worse. Diabetes leads to serious and irreversible problems, especially when you combine it with alcohol. This lawyer is now forced to listen to doctors use phrases like "poor prognosis" and "experimental studies." His younger daughter is seventeen, and he'll be lucky to see her graduate from high school.

I don't know how (or even if it's possible) to get someone to listen when they're risking their life through sheer inertia. Maybe this post will help someone to become 'scared straight' or whatever.

Someone to talk to about diabetes

MyHealthVillage is hosting a series of diabetes chats, starting tonight.

The Chats will be hosted by Cindy Sears (RN, CDE) -- diabetes educator with years of experience working with persons with diabetes at Capital Regional Medical Center and private physician practices in Missouri, who has participated in a research study for rural primary care practices funded by the Missouri Foundation.

To participate in the diabetes chats, simply go to www.myhealthvillage.com and join the Chat on any of the following dates and times.

Tuesday, 11/18 at 8 p.m. ET -- Insulin Myths and Realities

Thursday, 11/20 at 1 p.m. ET -- Medication Know-How

Friday, 11/21 at 11 a.m. ET - Pondering Privacy

Tuesday, 11/25 at 8 p.m. ET -- Here Come the Holidays!

Okay, end of rant

This post was me ranting because someone I know is dying and it could have been avoided. It is inexpressibly frustrating to not be able to help with something like this.

I can't be the only person with friends or family who are digging their grave with their teeth, as it were. Anyone have any good suggestions on how to handle the frustration? I don't think there's much we can do to help people who don't want to change.

Disaster Strikes Cranky Fitness!

Oh my God, what was THAT!

Do you feel it? The earth is shaking!

Oh dear... That roaring noise? Is that the howl of a mighty tornado getting closer?

Whoa, is our plane losing altitude? Uh oh, I smell smoke--our building's on fire! Holy Cow, come look--the dam has burst and the floodwaters are rising!

Yikes, lets get out of heeeere!

...

Um, so--does anyone know where we're supposed to go? Did anyone happen to pay attention to that pamplet/lecture/drill/tv special that told us what we're supposed to do now?

Oops.



So, like many other worrywarts who torture themselves by pondering Worst Case Scenarios, I spend precious little time actually preparing for them. (Fortunately, the Lobster is much more practical, so we have many of the bases covered).

But it was interesting to read a New York Times article about a new book, “The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes — and Why,” and discover how much one can increase one's chances of survival in a disaster with just a little preparation. And, of course, by not Acting Like a Freakin' Idiot. (Note: there is also an interesting interactive quiz, but if you wanna take it, do so before reading this post as there are SPOILERS below).

The book is by Amanda Ripley, a reporter for Time magazine who has covered, well, lots of disasters. You can also read this NPR summary and excerpt if you're curious.

Some highlights:


1. Fire Drills are Not Just Designed to Torment You.

They actually really help! So don't skip 'em. "Your brain will perform best in a stressful situation if you have already put it through a few rehearsals. ...It’s important to get into the stairs and actually go down them. Your brain relies on that memory and responds to it much more quickly and fully than words."


2. Leave Your Shit Behind And Get Out--FAST.

Note: This is true even if you have to leave behind valuable items stashed in your belongings, like wallets or passport or even CUPCAKES!

Actually, as much as I would hate to part with important documents or tasty baked goods, doesn't this seem like kind of an obvious suggestion in a life-threatening disaster?

But the author noted that during emergencies "people often move surprisingly slowly and find reasons to delay evacuation. ...Even on burning planes, where passengers have only minutes to act before smoke becomes toxic, passengers routinely open overhead bins to retrieve their bags."

But being aware of this "gathering instinct" can help you. "You need to move quickly, but it won’t be your first impulse."


3. Before the plane takes off: Look for exits and read those Stupid Airline Safety Cards.

When was the last time you read one of those thingies in the seat back next to the barf bag? Or counted the number of rows to the nearest emergency exits? (I'm usually too busy engaging in important rituals designed to keep the plane from crashing in the first place. These rituals may involve closed eyes, tight clutching of the armrests, and possibly the sacrifice of a cheap domestic candy bar or a plastic cup full of Chateau de Crappo Airline Merlot).

Think there's no chance of surviving a plane crash anyway, so why bother?

Well, it says that approximately 60% of people involved in serious plane crashes do survive--and those tend to be the ones who know what to do and where to go to get themselves the heck out. So you're supposed to read the safety card every time so your brain is programmed to respond.


4. Panic is less of a problem than "group think," especially if you're with a leisurely group.

This was a surprise to me, as I am someone hard-wired to panic at the hint of any sort of emergency.

But most people become passive, not frantic, and tend to like to be ordered around. "People stick together, follow one another and are civilized and painfully slow during evacuations."

The excerpt was silent, however, as to the etiquette involved in rushing past these painfully slow civilized people and getting the hell out. If they're calmly making their way out at a snail's pace, down perhaps dozens of flights of stairs, how do you speed them up or get around them? Is sprinting, elbowing, shoving, cursing, cursing some more, and slapping considered bad form?


5. Prepare at Home, Too

Why save all that disaster preparation for work and for airplanes when you could be having tedious evacuation drills at home?

Sigh. You also gotta replace smoke detector batteries, have a plan for where to meet, keep emergency supplies on hand, blah blah blah.

What are the things people in actual disasters wished they'd had handy?

Fresh water, information sources, necessary medication, and cash. (The list doesn't even mention coffee, cookies, pizza or tequila. Who the heck did they ask???)


6. Know your neighbors

It's probably best if you don't routinely piss 'em off, either. In major disasters, it's usually a while until "outside" help is available. Close, friendly, non-homicidal neighbors may be a tremendous resource, both physically and psychologically, if something terrible happens and you're stuck for days waiting for help.


7. If a hurricane or flood hits, you're best off acting like a chick, not a dude.

More men perish in hurricanes and floods--not only because they spend more time outside, but because they take more time to evacuate, and are more likely to try to drive or walk through water. ("Honey, stop worrying, will ya?! You can see the water's only a few inches dee... ahhggggghhhh!)


Feeling paranoid now?

Here's another helpful article on how to save your own life in a variety of emergency situations.


Need some emergency-related cheering up?

Our friend the Anxious Exerciser reminded me about these hilarious interpretations of the ambiguous graphical warnings the Homeland Security Department uses for various emergencies, like, for example, nuclear blasts.

"After exposure to radiation, it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head."
(More here).

So, anyone else worry about disasters? Do you prepare for them?

It's the little things you have to watch out for

[By Merry, on behalf of the Committee to Pay Attention to the Little Things]

It's the little things that get you.

[No, not those kinds of little things...]

I have trouble with the Little Things in Life because they’re so damn trivial. My first thought is, ‘who cares?’ I end up falling into the ‘just this once’ trap.

Just this once I’ll

• eat that piece of cheesecake
• take the elevator, not the stairs
• leave the bicycle behind and take the evil SUV to work

All of these are relatively venial offenses taken singularly, but I do one after another until the next thing I know I’m taking the train to Slothville and the jeans don’t feel quite as comfortable as they did before.

[Should I? Oh, why not...]

Well, here's a good reason not to:

[Thanks to Melting Mama for this photo!]

So, just this once, today I promise that I will:

• bring food from home
• take the stairs
• oh, all right yes I am taking the evil SUV to work, but that’s only because I refuse to try to haul a 40-pound bag of dog food home on my bicycle. Tomorrow. Honest.

Little things matter.

What, you don’t believe me? True story:

The other week, the fine state of Oregon sent out a Voters' Pamphlet to everyone they could find who had a mailbox. Ordinarily this is a good thing, I mean, you probably should read up on all the issues before you shred the pamphlet for your compost heap. (Presuming it's printed with soy-based ink instead of nasty chemical ink.)

They even included a toll-free phone number to call in case you had questions. There was only one problem. Instead of a number with an 866 prefix, the pamphlet posted the identical number with an 800 prefix. If you dialed that, you heard a sultry-voiced woman saying "hey there, big boy! Want to meet @#$! young women*? Then call this number..."

Trust me. Watch out for the little things.

What little things trip you up?

________________________________________

*This anecdote was reported on the local news the other day, and they bleeped out the @#$! word. I hate to confess it, but I can't think what word it was that they bleeped. All the likely adjectives I can think of seem permissible on television these days. Indeed, pretty much any adjective seems permissible on television nowadays. I’m not bothered enough to actually call the message to find out; it just makes me feel uncool not to immediately know things like that. I must be getting old.

What word do you think they used, anyway?

A breathtaking approach to exercise?

[By Merry]

I mean the title of this post literally. Honest.

One of my pet peeves is people using the word "literally" incorrectly.
Friend - "He was so upset that he literally exploded with anger."
Me - "Wow, that must have been messy."
Friend - "Huh?"

[Crabby reaches out a claw -- figuratively -- and drags Merry back to the point]

Anyway, the point is that pollution is a problem.

Breathing on an airplane is bad for you. Apparently noxious vapors leak into the cabin through the air-conditioning system and can cause breathing difficulties, fatigue and even permanent brain damage. Some former pilots claim they have been left unable to fly after exposure to this recycled air.

Breathing while living next door to a shoe factory is apparently really bad for you. One woman spent 8 years fighting the shoe factory and the city council because she claimed the glue fumes from the factory were poisoning her. (It's a depressing, scary tale.)

But apparently you can exercise when you're in Los Angeles on a windless day. Exercising when air quality is bad is okay????

I ripped off leveraged the details of this study from Dr. Mirkin's site.

*****************************************
Researchers at University of Dublin asked whether a person would absorb more pollutants while walking or cycling slowly, or while covering the same distance at a faster rate. You would think that the faster you move, the harder you breathe, causing you to absorb more pollutants through your lungs. However, the opposite is true. Cycling and walking at a faster speed causes you to breath at a higher rate over a shorter duration of exposure. This results in lower total absorption of pollutants than cycling or walking the same distance at a slower speed (Journal of Environmental Science and Health, November 2007). The reduction was greater at lower concentrations of pollutants than at high concentrations, and was more marked in walkers than in cyclists. They found that fast walking decreased absorption of pollutants by 26 percent compared to walking slowly, while cycling fast decreased absorption by 17 percent over slow cycling .

*****************************************
This has me puzzled. The more breaths I take, the more I exercise, the better? Every expert I've ever heard speak on the subject says that when the air quality is bad, you shouldn't exercise. How much weight should I put in this study?

Sometimes all the different studies out there in Internet-land drive me crazy.

On the other hand, you can also find people on the Internet who get paid to drink or get paid to eat chocolate. So it's not all bad.

I Keep on Fallin'

This is a Guest Post by the fabulous Leslie Goldman, author of the blog The Weighting Game. We could do a really, really long introduction of Leslie because she's done so many cool things (she's written a book and is even the co-host of a TV show!) But rather than repeat ourselves, we'll refer you to her previous interview and urge you to go visit her fantastic blog. So here's Leslie!




Last week, I got sucked into watching some mind-numbing show on E! called "The Best of the Worst Red Carpet Moments." Twenty minutes in, I actively thought to myself, "I am voluntarily wasting 20 minutes of my life," and then quickly slipped back into a TV coma filled with wardrobe malfunctions, celebrity babbling and Joan Rivers' scratchy squawking. All in search of the elusive payoff: E!'s All-time Worst Red Carpet Moment.

Kimberly Stewart and Paris Hilton, all tan legs and blonde extensions, were straddling tricked-out motorcycles, in very tiny dresses, looking as hot as they possibly could. Then Stewart pushed a button which she shouldn't have and was inadvertently catapulted down the red carpet at seeming warp speed. She tumbled off, spread eagle, paparazzi bulbs flashing and, as she tugged at her skirt to cover her bruised thighs and ego, all I could think was, "That is totally something I would do."

You see, I am not at all kidding when I say I am one of the biggest klutzes ever. On a daily basis, I trip over invisible cracks, bump into tables and walls, whack my head against the ceiling of the car. I spill milk all over the counter, missing my cereal bowl by a mile. I politely tuck my dress under before sitting down, only to miss the chair and end up on the floor. You know those comedy sketches when someone is talking to a friend behind them and is so into the conversation, they fail to notice that they are about to walk right into a metal pole? I have been that person.

My clumsiness started at a very young age. At nine years old, I vividly remember riding my bicycle with a friend and yelling out, arms overhead, "Look, Nicole! I can ride with no hands!" Apparently, I could not. I crashed headfirst into a mailbox, knocking myself unconscious and the next thing I remember is being delivered by Nicole's mom to my house, blood splattered on my Tweety Bird sweatshirt, not knowing my own name. "Who is the President?" I recall my mother frantically asking me, checking for signs of amnesia. I did not know. (Now I just pretend I don't.) Ever since that concussion, my life has been a series of spazzy stumbles, scary spills, and shaving accidents on par the Carrie finale.

I have a sad scar on my knee from three years ago when, while running to get the eggs off the stove before they boiled over, my legs got tangled up in my long skirt. For what seemed like two minutes, I sailed through the air, my husband watching helplessly, before I landed on the hardwood floor. Knees, then wrists, torso and head. Thud, thud...thud, thud, thud.

Later, in that same apartment, I set fire to our bed during the worst of possible times, mindlessly tossing a pillow aside without thinking. It landed on a candle. All of the sudden I heard him scream, "Fire!" and I opened my eyes to see flames lapping toward the ceiling. I tried to smother it with our comforter as my husband ran for water but unfortunately, my gentle fanning with the duvet was not forceful enough -- embers flew up and a chunk of them landed on my wrist, literally melting my skin away and resulting in an awful burn. As my beloved came to the rescue with a pitcher of water, I writhed in agony on the berber carpet with no one to blame but myself.

The strange thing about all of this is, I consider myself a fairly graceful woman. I've been a dancer my whole life, am 5'11" with a long neck and have been told, on numerous occasions, that I am well-poised, elegant even! So what makes me do things like rush to squeeze into the ever-decreasing space in a revolving door compartment, as I did at a wedding recently, only to get caught between the moving partition and door jamb, resulting in a massive head rattling, forearm bruise and public humiliation?

Apparently, the answer lies in stress and a hectic schedule, both of which I have plenty. Research shows if you're uptight and constantly focused on what you have going on five minutes from now, your muscles tense up, leading to jerky movements like sending water glasses sailing or whipping your head around and smacking your skull into the stranger behind you at the grocery story (yes, I've done both). So I guess my take-home lesson should be, when I notice more and more cuts and bruises showing up, I should take that as a sign. Slow down. Take a yoga class. Stop the ridiculous multitasking (hello, walking downtown while emailing on my phone, sipping an iced coffee and juggling my laptop and gym bag).

On a more a more serious note, accidents and unintentional injuries are a leading cause of death among all ages according to the CDC; experts suggest those people who consider themselves serial klutzes may want to examine their lifelong accident patterns and see if something deeper is at work. Depression, for instance, may cause a person to, say, not pay attention while driving, crossing the street, or bounding down the stairs.

I myself had a stair mishap but I'm pretty sure depression wasn't at the root: slippery socks were. That evening I was feeling particularly domestic and decided to mop the bathroom floor. Afterwards, I carried the bucket of dirty water and mop down two flights to the basement. Almost at the bottom, my right leg slipped out from under me. As I began to tumble, my butt hitting the first stair with a sickening crack, I had the clarity of though to realize the bucket of nasty bathroom floor water was now careening through the air, about to splash all over me. Four stairs from the bottom I attempted executing a MacGyver-like roll to the side but it was for naught. The pain upon impact was too much and I lay there, covered in mop water, legs splayed, bruises already forming...a poor woman's Kimberly Stewart.

A Cranky Fitness Quiz

[By Merry and Crabby]

Could We Get Any More Imaginative with the Visual Aids?

Here at Cranky Fitness, we have a love/hate relationship with scientific and medical research. Sometimes we learn really useful information (dark chocolate and avocados are good for you!), but often these studies just mess with our heads.

Plus, they bring up so many questions. Questions like:

Is the source reliable? Are the findings replicated anywhere else? Do the results confuse causation and correlation? Why do the researchers have such weird names? And finally: how on earth do some of these people get funding for such idiotic ideas?

But, well, this is a health blog. So in order to fill up space without having to think of anything original bring you the latest health research findings, we do at times have rely on research even if we don't entirely trust it. And now we'd like to share this very same discomfort with you folks!

So here's the deal, if you're feeling up for a challenge.

For each group of four research findings, try to pick out the real one from the alternatives we've made up.

Answers will be provided... over the weekend! But feel free to speculate in the comments section, unless you've actually seen the real study in question in which case please keep your smarty-pants answers to yourself.

No prizes, alas, but do check back in over the weekend to see how well you did (or not).

And note: some of our fake answers may accidentally be true. We weren't willing to stay up all night googling in order to find out. So bonus bragging rights are available to anyone who can demonstrate more than one answer has research to back it up.

Ready? Sharpen your pencils--and then put them back down again, for heaven's sake, unless you want to poke holes in your computer monitor. This is just the internet, remember?

1. Music and Health:

In comparison to the general population:

a. People who prefer classical music are more likely to suffer from ulcers.

b. Country music fans are more likely to be suicidal.

c. Heavy metal music fans are more likely to get divorced.

d. Those who listen to jazz are more likely to have substance abuse problems.


2. Creative surgery:

If you need an unusual surgical solution, and Dr. House is not available, you might be desperate enough to undergo one of these surgical techniques (one of which is genuine):

a. Transplant a tooth to restore a patient's eyesight.

b. Use leeches to transfer blood, having them suck the blood from the donor and then bite the recipient and allow the blood to drain into the veins.

c. Transplant totipotent adult stem cells into a patient’s eye to regrow the connective tissue between the retinal epithelium and a detached retina.

d. Graft tissue from a patient’s spleen onto their thyroid gland to help protect the thyroid from the effects of chronic autoimmune hypothyroiditis.

3. Does sex count as exercise?

Whether it does or not probably won't have any effect on its popularity. However, one of these studies about sex and exercise is true. Researchers found that:

a. It turns out that athletes who abstain from sex prior to a competition really do have improved times on the track.

b. Cyclists who ride more than 100 miles a week actually had less difficulty conceiving children that cyclists who rode fewer miles a week.

c. Baseball players who used a nicotine patch instead of chewing tobacco were found to possess sperm with increased motility.

d. Runners who increased their stamina on a treadmill found their sexual stamina had increased as well.

4. Emergency Medicine:

If you suffer one of these unfortunate accidents and can't get proper medical treatment, which of these is a reasonably effective alternative?

a. If you accidentally swallow a black-widow spider, to neutralize the venom you should drink chocolate syrup--at least 3 cans would be optimal (if you happen to live in a grocery store).

b. If you are stricken with a sudden episode of vertigo, try hitting your head sharply several times with a heavy but not sharp object (using less force than would likely cause concussion). The spot to aim for is in the back of the head, at approximately eye level.

c. If you should overdose on antifreeze, you should try to get totally, spectacularly, shit-faced drunk on the most potent alcohol you can find.

d. If you suffer a terrifying panic attack in an airplane, try standing on your head. (But only if you can do so without being arrested and water-boarded as a suspected terrorist, otherwise this remedy will not be particularly helpful in warding off future panic attacks.)

5. Department of the Obvious:

All of these findings are probably true, but which one was actually funded and published?

a. If you consume approximately eight times the recommended dosage of an over-the-counter laxative, you will likely suffer from gastrointestinal distress.

b. Downhill skiers who have a blood alcohol level of over .10 are more likely to injure themselves and require hospitalization.

c. If you sit around in really cold temperatures for an hour, you will be more uncomfortable if your underwear is wet.

d. Children who have bitten two or more of their classmates tend to be less popular than average.

6. Eyesight and the future:

If you find that you've started having trouble with your eyes, which of these scenarios should you most worry about?

a. Difficulty seeing will lead to difficulty peeing, since when you're out in public you won't be able to see where to go and will feel constrained to hold it in, ultimately leading to nephritis.

b. People who have trouble with their eyesight are more likely to suffer a stroke or heart attack

c. Problems with eyesight will lead to a greater likelihood of developing diabetes.

d. Losing your eyesight is linked to difficulties with hearing: people who can't see often turn to playing their music too loud as a way to deal with the frustrations caused by the impairment.

So, think you did really well? Here's another challenge. This one is particularly for the readers/writers in the crowd, who know something about "voice" and whatnot. Can you guess which 3 questions were written by Crabby and which 3 were by Merry? And yes, we are aware that some of you think we are the same person. You can still guess anyway.

Have a great Friday everyone!

Memory: Girl Brains and Boy Brains Differ

[By Crabby]

I'm always fascinated by gender differences. While I've personally never fit all that comfortably into the "feminine" world (the subject of an upcoming post, I think), there are still many ways in which I feel distinctly a girl, not a boy. Even if you'd have to threaten me with a lethal weapon to get me to wear false eyelashes or a pair of stiletto heels.

And while exceptions are everywhere, men and women do seem, in many ways, kinda different.

How much of that is how we're wired, and how much of that is because each gender is taught to behave and think differently? The question used to seem really threatening, because any hint of innate difference was seen as a reason to discriminate against women.

Feminism still has a LONG way to go, but we now have at least a little more freedom to wonder about this stuff. I think the main thing that's changed is that it's not as common anymore to assume that the "boy" way of thinking is always better, and the "girl" way is always worse. (People do, however, tend assume that the "boy" way is normal, and the "girl" way is different, even though we are half the freakin' population.)

(There is a book I've been meaning to read called "The Female Brain," which I think explores this subject more thoroughly. Anyone read it yet?).

Anyway, so there's a new study out that suggests women and men remember things differently. In short, "women excelled in verbal episodic memory tasks, such as remembering words, objects, pictures or everyday events, and men outperformed women in remembering symbolic, non-linguistic information, known as visuospatial processing." The example cited is that "a man would be more likely to remember his way out of the woods."

As someone who can barely find my way out of my own bedroom, I've decided to embrace my deficient visuospatial abilities as one of the few ways in which I'm apparently quite feminine. I can always compensate by using my verbal abilities to get someone else to tell me how to get myself where I need to be. Or better yet, I can talk my way out of even having to go anywhere in the first place!

Note: I think individual differences are always more important than overall generalizations, and I know tons of women who can totally kick any guys ass when it comes to finding her way out of the woods. And lets be realistic--which gender usually gets itself lost in the woods in the first place?

So the study also said there were "sex differences favoring women on tasks such as remembering the location of car keys, which requires both verbal and visuospatial processing," and that "women are better than men at remembering faces, especially of females." Overall, they believed "females currently hold the advantage in episodic memory."

It's interesting, then, how often in movies we see women being all flighty and spacey and it's the guys who always remember things. They always get to save the day because they can recognize the terrorist in disguise or remember where the gun was stashed or recall the secret password. Whereas it looks like in real life, it would be the gal who would be more likely to remember that stuff.

There are tons of other ways in which men and women, overall, appear to perhaps function a bit differently; this is just one tiny example. What do you guys think, are these differences significant? Or pretty much imaginary? And if you do see differences, do you think it's mostly because we're born differently or because we're treated differently?

Tax the fat?

[By Merry]

Talk about ‘no country for old men’ – it’s no country for old women either. Apparently some doctors in Britain don’t want to treat people who are old or obese. According to the BBC, "About one in 10 hospitals [in the U.K.] already deny some surgery to obese patients and smokers, with restrictions most common in hospitals battling debt."

And this is not an opinion limited to the British. A new bill in Mississippi would make it illegal for restaurants to serve obese customers. The legislation, introduced by three members of the state’s House of Representatives, would allow health inspectors to revoke the license of any restaurant that "repeatedly" feeds extremely overweight people. I get the feeling that a lot of people are, if you will excuse the pun, fed up with people who are overweight. (I do hope you will excuse the pun. I couldn't think of another way to phrase it.)

I can see doctors getting exasperated with people whose behavior made them unwell. But not treating people because they’re old? That’s not just saying Do Not Resuscitate, which is after all supposed to be decided by the patient. This is more like the insurance company that refused a liver transplant to that sick teenage girl. (They argued about it until she was too sick to have the operation performed anyway, basically Death by Red Tape.) Where do you draw the line on how much money to spend on a patient?

Even if the doctors are exasperated, what good will come from stopping treatment because the patient is morbidly obese? All it would do is cause more suffering. It won’t stop people from becoming obese. This article got me thinking about Worst Case Scenarios, the kind of measures the governments might take if we continue to gain weight at this rate. Taking things to a logical extreme, I came up to a few possible W.C. scenarios:

• They could pass a law that those of us who have more than 30% body fat must go to a nutritional counselor or physical trainer. Like sending someone who has trouble driving to traffic school. Or sending an alcoholic to rehab. You can’t force someone to stop overeating or under-exercising, but you can make it clear what the consequences of this behavior are. Something along the lines of showing children pictures of a smoker’s lungs, showing pictures of untreated diabetes?


• Or they might put a higher tax on junk food, as some states do with cigarettes, and use the money to fund nutritional education. Katharine at Editing My Body wrote about how expensive it is to eat well in America. Researchers found that the problem was worst in the rural South, which is a region where you could grow some kind of vegetable year ‘round. There’s a cultural bias against “Yankee” food, but it’s surely better to change a bias than to try to reverse diabetes or something like that.


• If I were really paranoid, the most extreme solution I can see would be forcing people to have gastric bypass surgery. Okay, that’s an extremely extreme solution, but it is similar, in thought if not in scale, with forcing people to wear helmets (or seat belts) or risk being fined. (I do wear helmets or seat belts, but the idea of being forced to look after myself is still annoying.)

These solutions all sound draconian, but not nearly as much as refusing to treat people altogether. That sounds like the voice of exasperation pushed to the point of being totally pissed off. It’s like they want to punish people for being unhealthy.

I suppose the thought behind refusing to treat the obese is based on the feeling that if you're fat, it's your own fault. The relationship between obesity and illness is seen as cause and effect, in the same way that jumping into a tiger’s cage can result in permanent loss of limb or life. If you make a deliberate, conscious choice, you should be prepared for the possible consequences. Fair enough, but not everyone makes a deliberate choice to live off junk food or become a couch potato. I think a lot of people become obese because we didn’t make a conscious choice to be anything else, following the path of feast least resistance.


*********obligatory disclaimer****************
I know there are people who are morbidly obese due to factors beyond their control. Speaking for myself, my weight is my own fault. It would be easier to lose weight if my thyroid functioned like those lean greyhound-type people. (You know who I mean, the ones who can eat anything and remain thin.) But even as I am, I can lose weight if I work at it.
*********end of obligatory disclaimer****************

I still worry about the old people. I mean, who decides the definition of old? To me, old is a term applied to people who have been on this planet longer than I have. I’m not old, and I’ll thank all you young whippersnappers to remember that fact.

Some ancient tribes in the arctic supposedly would abandon their old people out on an ice floe when they got too old to work. Maybe that’s where we got the expression ‘go with the floe’ from. Okay, maybe not. I could see insurance companies wanting to return to that tradition. But it surprises me to find the same feeling is apparently so widespread among doctors. Am I being naive?

Placebo Power: Is Your Doctor In On It?

[By Crabby]

Cartoon by Mike Bannon at Mordant Orange

So you go to your doctor with some painful or otherwise bothersome medical problem, and after perhaps running some tests and/or poking around, the doc nods and mmmh-hmmms a lot and finally takes out the prescription pad.

"Take this twice a day for the next two weeks. It may help your condition--and it certainly won't hurt."

Would you be upset if you later found out that the "medicine" you were taking (and paying for) had no active ingredients that could do anything at all for your ailment?

Because it turns out that 45% of doctors in a recent placebo survey copped to prescribing medication to patients as a placebo. Only 4% of them told the patient that's what they were doing--which kind of make sense. "Take this, it won't help you at all unless you think it will" is somehow not nearly as persuasive.

But is it ethical? It's sort of misleading. But it's not an easy question to answer, because, well, placebos work for a lot of people. That's why they have to have control groups whenever they test a new medication. If you tell people you're giving them something that may help their arthritis or their hemorrhoids or their ear-wax build-up or whatever, a good portion of them will obediently get better even if the medicine itself is useless. The freaky thing about giving people placebos it that it actually results in physical changes in the brain that make people feel better.

Can the placebo effect actually cause you to lose weight? Kateio at Sister Skinny recently alerted us to the hotel maids study. This was a weird one: maids who were told that their hard physical jobs actually burned enough calories to meet the surgeon general's definition of an "active lifestyle" started losing weight and lowering their blood pressure. Those who were told nothing... didn't. Can abstract knowledge actually burn calories? Wouldn't that be weird if it did?

(Note: I'm still a bit skeptical of this study, perhaps because it just seems so amazing. But I wonder: if you were an overweight maid who thought you weren't getting any exercise, and then you suddenly found out you were getting plenty, would that change your attitude about the food you were eating? Might that not be an incentive to make some dietary changes?)

Still, if it turns out to be true, the study has amazing implications. You can think calories away! I'm going along with Katieo on this one, and am going to repeat to myself every day: "blogging burns 300 calories an hour." Or hell, make it 700!

So back to the question we started with. Given that placebos can actually trick some people into feeling better, would you be annoyed to find out you're been given one by your doctor?

Unfortunately, as I mentioned before (in a post about placebo doping in sports), I'm just not a very good placebo person. Being a cranky pessimist, I usually expect things NOT to work. So if I shelled out money on a fake drug that didn't help because my doctor thought she could trick me into feeling better, I might be less than grateful.

On the other hand, I've been doing better with knee pain since I started wrapping ice packs around my knees. Is it the ice? Or is it my tiny little suggestible brain believing the ice is helping? Who knows? (It's the ice, I swear).

How about you guys--would you whomp that lying doctor upside the head with your big bottle of fake pills? Or would you give that doctor a hearty thanks for creative thinking about pain management?

A Magic Weight Loss Pill! It's True!

[By Mary]

If anyone but Dr. Mirkin wrote an article about a Magic Weight Loss pill, I wouldn't bother reading past the title. However, it might really be true this time.

(Dr. Mirkin puts out an interesting and intelligent e-Zine on health and fitness. If he were cranky as well, we'd have to just hang up our hats and go home, leaving him to do all the health reporting for us. He's really good.)


Quick biology review, stolen from Dr. Mirkin's article

You have two absorption systems in your body. You absorb most of your food as it passes through your small intestines. Food that is not absorbed in the small intestine goes to your colon. The colon contains a huge colony of bacteria that work to ferment undigested carbohydrates such as soluble fiber into short chain fatty acids and simple sugars that can then be absorbed through the colon walls into the bloodstream. Most people get about ten percent of their total calories from food absorbed through their colons.

That wasn't too long, was it?

Scientists have found that one of two different types of bacteria is dominant in mice. If the mouse is obese, it has a different type of bacteria in its system than a lean mouse has. The bad bacteria are called Firmicutes, which I swear sounds like a name thought up by a Marketing department to describe a new diet that gets rid of cellulite and makes you want to wear really short shorts. The good bacteria are called Bacteroidetes. (They really need to re-think their PR strategy.)

When I first skimmed this article, methought the findings were simply cause and result. In other words, it seemed to me that if you eat a mostly high fat diet, the "bad" bacteria proliferate because they've got more food that they like to eat. It's like providing a moist enclosed environment and then seeing a lot of very happy mildew all over the walls.

That's what I was thinking, until I got to this sentence:
"Transplanting Firmicutes bacteria into the guts of lean mice made them fat."

If that's true, perhaps the reverse is also true? If transplanting the Bacteroidetes bacteria would make fat mice thin, then there really could be such a thing as a magic weight loss pill.

Until then, I suppose we could stick with the eating-healthy-food strategy. It's not only helpful to keep the weight off, it also keeps you healthy in other ways, such as reducing the levels of inflammation in the body. Researchers in Buffalo have published studies suggesting that if a fat person and a thin person both eat a high-fat fast food meal, the obese person suffers ill effects longer than the person who is not overweight.

But that's so boring! A nice simple pill would be much nicer, preferably one that's all sparkly and cool looking. Or at least one that costs a lot of money. Since if it's cheap, well, it must not be very good, right? Maybe that's one reason no one is interested in the eating-healthy-food strategy -- it's cheaper than the fancy pills you see advertised on television.

This Just in...Live 14 More Years!

[By Crabby]

This study is the sort we love here at Cranky Fitness: Doing these four things helps people live longer. Fourteen years longer, on average.

What's so great about this research? Well the four good health habits are very likely things you're already doing, or at least trying hard to do. So here's some additional motivation to keep on track. And while the study talks about length of life, rather than quality of life, you can bet you're getting both with these four:

1. Not smoking;
2. Eating at least 5 servings of fruit/vegetables a day;
3. Drinking in moderation; and of course,
4. Exercising.

Not smoking was the biggest life-extender; fruits and veggies were next. Interestingly, exercising and moderate drinking were tied. (This does NOT mean you should substitute Pina Coladas for push-ups--but if you enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, it's another reason to say "cheers!")

Another great thing about this study is that it's not one of those that extols the benefits of healthy living and then comes up with some wimpy little number at the end. You know the kind--you get all excited because you're doing something healthy, then you get to the final paragraph and it says you're 3% less likely to die of some disease that you hadn't even thought to worry about in the first place.

No, this one isn't wimpy. Fourteen years, on average. (Just think how much more whining I'll be able to fit in!)

Note: this is just a little mini-post, tossed out hastily because we'd prefer you to see the study first here on Cranky Fitness. We'd like you to associate us with good health, good news, fine wines, and longevity. Please return to our regularly scheduled programming and check out Mary's post below for actual thoughtful analysis and humor.

What's One Extra Toe?

[Posted by Crabby]

This little piggy went to market...

What would you do to lose weight?

I'm not too sure what to make of this survey of 1,000 women conducted for Fitness Magazine but it was at least pretty amusing.

• Eighty-five percent of the women said they'd be willing to have an extra toe to keep pounds off;
• Twenty three percent would shave their heads;
• Almost half would rather lose 20 pounds than live to be a hundred; and
• Nearly a quarter would go to jail for a week to reach their ideal weight.

But wait, there's more!

The results were almost as weird two years ago:

Since the article mentioned above was a bit skimpy, I went to the magazine's website to try to track down some details. Alas, the current survey wasn't there when I checked (they might actually want me to buy the magazine to find out more). But there was a similar survey from two years ago (men too, this time) with some additional data:

• Over half of those surveyed would rather lose their jobs than gain seventy five pounds;
• Seventeen percent of men and eleven percent of women would give up 20 IQ points to achieve a perfect body.
• More than a quarter of women said that they would rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than go swimsuit shopping.
• Sixty-three percent of women would rather be poor and have no weight to lose than be rich but significantly overweight.

What's with you people?

I think we're supposed to be appalled and depressed by what this says about body image, but I wasn't. It's not all that shocking that lots of people would do some really weird-ass stuff to never have to worry about being overweight again. (And while I don't have a bunch of weight to lose, all I had to do to relate, as a middle-aged woman, was substitute "looking way younger" for "losing lots of weight.")

It's funny, because even some of us who frequently rail against oppressive cultural norms are still affected by them. Hell, I hate that women are stigmatized for getting older--yet I'd happily go to jail for a week if it would magically make me look thirty again.

So it wasn't the superficiality that made the survey results seem odd. Here's what was scary: who are these people who would rather lose 20 IQ points, or give up any chance to live a long life in order to lose weight, but who wouldn't be willing to go to jail for a week or shave their heads? C'mon--hair grows back! And even totally messed-up malfunctioning celebrities can handle a week in jail. But you would be willing to give up 20 IQ points? How many could you be starting off with?

Now the extra toe thing...

That's a tough one.

It's distracting, isn't it? So many questions: could you have it amputated or would that be cheating and make the pounds reappear? Would you be able to fit into normal shoes or would you have to buy a bunch of specially-made orthopedic ones to fit all those digits? One extra toe on each foot or just on one?

So how about you?

Are there any bizarre things you might do to magically be given a "perfect" body (or face) for the rest of your life? (Note: it will stay perfect looking too, no matter how much you eat or how badly you behave). Would you do any of these?

• Drink a full glass of Pepto Bismol every morning forever;
• Refrain from ever getting on the internet again;
• Run naked through your local grocery store (just once but you have to pass through every aisle);
• Go to jail for 3 months (one week seems too easy);
• Never watch TV again (no cheating and watching on the internet);
• Give up your favorite beverage;
• Take in your least favorite relative or neighbor and let them live with you for a year;
• Let your spouse sleep with the celebrity of his/her choice (because as long as we're dealing with magical solutions, we're stipulating that the celebrity is totally up for it).
• Eat a dead rat (just one, guaranteed disease-free rat, not one every day. And you can cook it).

Deal or No Deal?

Or here's a different, happier way to look at it.

Which would you rather have magically given to you: A perfect face and body, or ten million (U.S) dollars?

But Maybe You Guys Are Too Evolved

For those of you who too emotionally mature and satisfied with who you are to strike any sort of deal, perhaps you have some thoughts about how messed up this all is.

(Some of the rest of us might be wondering how bad rat meat actually tastes).

Unexplained Beer Injury (UBI)

[By Crabby]

Back during the holidays while the Cranky Fitness team was sitting on its ass busy attending informative seminars and embarking on self improvement projects, the folks at Healthbolt were actually writing posts. Among their amusing offbeat holiday offerings was a great story on medical slang. And just in case it didn't get enough attention with the distraction of the holidays, we thought we'd steal the idea because it was funny resurrect it here for our readers' edification.

So did you know that medical professionals have a whole bunch of colorful terminology and official sounding abbreviations they use, strictly between themselves, to deal with difficult and patients and medical conditions?

Warning: these terms could be regarded as incredibly offensive, especially if you have recently lost a loved one. If you have, or if you otherwise don't approve of the whole notion, please skip this post and go directly to a better, more informative blog.

Still here? Cool.

Is it wrong to giggle at the idea that some medical professionals actually use these terms with each other and sometimes even jot them on patient charts? For those not easily offended, here is a random sampling for the Healthbolt story and from this compilation.


Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts

TFO - Too F*cking Old (person dying of old age)

CTS - Crazier than sh*t

Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum

CTD - Circling the Drain (patient expected to die soon)

Stream Team - urology dept

Peek and Shriek - open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately.

TLGP -Two Legged Guinea Pig - patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments

Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs

OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder

Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound

Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history

Horrendoplasty - A god-awful surgery with a probable poor outcome

Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere

TTFO - Told To F*ck Off.


Oh, and do you think your nice veterinarian is totally above this sort of thing? Uh, sorry, no.

BSBF - buy small bags of food (almost dead)

CSTO - Cat Smarter Than Owner


So do these seem in dreadfully poor taste? Or have you heard any good ones, either from the medical field or some other profession where difficult customers/patients/situations must be dealt with?

(Oh and speaking of all things Medical, check out Marijke's great new blog for B-5: Help My Hurt!)

Resolutions, Shmezolutions

[By Crabby]


Do you make New Year's Resolutions?

In some ways, it seems kind of silly. If there are a bunch of things in your life that need fixing, then why wait until January 1st to fix them? Fix 'em in April! Fix 'em in September! It's not like there's some magical supply of willpower that becomes available one special day each year.

On the other hand, there are goofier cultural traditions than an annual vow to become a better person. (There's kissing strangers under mistletoe, for instance, or encouraging young children to don costumes and hustle candy bars from their neighbors. Oh, and throwing small explosives around to celebrate Independence day, that's a good one).

One positive thing about New Year's resolutions is they're conveniently timed: they follow immediately after a season devoted to overspending, over-eating, and over-imbibing. Having a ritual specially designed to ease guilt and psychologically reverse all the damage done simply by assembling a list of good intentions? Very handy.

(New Years Resolutions are also quite useful if you write a Health and Fitness Blog: no need to think of a topic for New Years Day!)

So here we go: a special Cranky Fitness New Years Resolution Q&A.

1. What are the most common New Year's Resolutions?

Kinda what you'd think: to lose weight and get more exercise.

(Note: link may require registration, sorry).


2. Do New Years Eve Resolutions even work?

Nope, not usually. At least not according to this researcher on procrastination. (And yes, it did take him 10 years to compile his report).


3. Is it better to just pick one thing or tackle a bunch of changes all at once?

Well, one would think One Thing, and professionals often give this advice. (Like here or here, for instance, and about 1700 other places).

But this recent study said just the opposite: do a bunch of things at once! People who were trying to quite smoking, get more exercise, and reduce the salt in their diet did better when they went after all their bad habits at the same time.

Go figure!

This seems counter-intuitive, especially for people who are already juggling a boatload of other demands and who try, all year, to do their best, but--whatever.

(And if you want some suggestions for a resolution list that has Multiple Things on it but is not at all unreasonable, Martha over at That's Fit has a good one.)


4. So then what is the Cranky Fitness Official Position on the Advisability of New Year's Resolutions? For or Against?

The Crabby half of Cranky Fitness is Firmly Against tyrannical, hard-assed resolution lists. (And the other half probably is too but Mary's off doing important things right now and can't be consulted).

Those "aspirational" impossible "aim-high" lists make most people just feel like weak-willed losers when they can't even get close.

But combining a period of reflection, a thoughtful consideration of priorities, and a short realistic list of good intentions? That's not necessarily a bad idea.

Here's an alternative, though:

How about an Old Year's Resolutions List?


5. What The Hell are Old Year's Resolutions?

It's a list of all the things you were working on last year and intend to keep doing. New Years doesn't come in a vacuum, and if you're here reading a health and fitness blog, there's a good chance you weren't just sitting on your ass eating Domino's Oreo dessert pizzas for all of 2007.

Make sure you pat yourself on the back for every accomplishment you can remember from last year. Did you start running, quit smoking, cut back on sugar, eat more vegetables last year? Did you snap less at your spouse or get better at recycling or figure out how to get an extra half hour of sleep an night? Hooray for you!

And if you want to think ahead on how you might want to build on that; that's cool too. But small accomplishments under your belt beat grandiose promises for the future. Celebrate your past success and plan on having more of it in 2008!


6. But I don't want an Old Year's List, I want a New Years one. Don't you have any helpful suggestions for what to put on it?

All right, here's one. Stephanie from Back in Skinny Jeans was running a series of inspirational quotes over the holidays, and we'll steal one here. This, from Judy Garland:

"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."

Perhaps that will be the Official Cranky Fitness New Years Resolution Recommendation for 2008.

Are any of you doing the New Year's Resolution thing this year?