April 15, 2007

Welcome, to no one in particular!

There's something so pathetic about the launch of a new blog. Absolutely no one will be reading Crabby McSlacker's Guide to Health and Fitness (or whatever it ends up being called) for a really long time, there's nothing in the archives, the site is still a mess, and yet here they come anyway, these first few lonely little introductory posts, crying out "I'm here! I'm here! Come read me! Is anyone out there?"

No, obviously. So sad. Yet one has to start somewhere.

So there's a simple reason for this blog: Fitness advice, for the most part, is too damn cheerful.

Eating right, exercising like you're supposed to, and living a reasonably healthy lifestyle--it's tedious, and involves a lot of sacrifices, and often, no one even notices or cares that you're making all this effort. Most people don't even bother trying.

Crabby McSlacker does not pretend, like all the women's magazines do, that it's Easy! and Fun! and Fast! to lose weight, to get in shape, or to improve your health. Ever go to a Walmart or Disneyland and look at a cross-section of Americans? If it was so Easy! and Fun! and Fast! why on earth would they all look like that?

So this is the place to come whine about it. A place to learn some tips and dirty tricks and share opinions about what works and what doesn't. (It's also a place to be smug about what you've accomplished. You're not one of those losers out there who refuse to haul their asses off their Lazy-Boys until the house catches fire. You know, the ones who are at this very moment happily scarfing their Quadruple Extra-Bacon Cheddar Sausage Sour Cream McNasty burgers while you're trying to get excited about your organic blueberries and nonfat yogurt.)

Warning: Crabby McSlacker is not an expert on health or fitness, she's just opinionated. Don't follow any of her advice without talking to your doctor or whatever. Also, she swears pretty often. So if you're easily offended (and are not fooled by the use of asterisks in words like f*ck and sh*t and what-all), you might not like it much here.

So that's it for now. In posts to come: some actual information. Maybe.


  1. Now, Crabby, I'm sure none of your readers darkens the door at McDonalds or any similar fast-food joint, even Subway. Unless maybe they have children. I understand that those darling creatures have amazing powers of persuasion when it comes to not eating right. Still, I look forward to your many tips and tricks for more healthful eating. If you could help me with my inability to consume less than the entire pint of ice cream, that would be a great start.


  2. Dear appleton,

    Crabby will confess to having at times consumed many of these Evil Temptations herself, including Big Macs and Egg McMuffins and bucket-sized soft drinks laced with artificial sweeteners. (Especially while on the road). Your refined sensibilities are so admirable! She hates to break it to you, but you may be in for a shock at how lax Crabby's "real world" standards are for health and fitness. She looks forward to being admonished by you again in the future!

  3. Are you actually trying to lose weight, get in shape, make your buns firmer, what is your goal?

  4. Sorry, Spider, somehow I overlooked this comment.

    Basic goal: maintenance. I seem to have stumbled on a balance that pretty much works for me between Being Healthy (working out & eating right) and Totally Slacking (junk food and sloth).

    But for me, even "maintenance" takes a lot of work and whining. I've been physically active and health-conscious most of my life, but not always happily. I'm as lazy and cheese-burger-loving as anyone.


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