Play Ball?

Photo: The Smitten Image

Those of you who regularly enjoy Hilary's stunning photography over at The Smitten Image will probably recognize this cute character as Benny. As will reader's of Frank Baron's amusing blog Baron it All, where Benny makes frequent and hilarious appearances.

So... quick quiz. How does that photo make you feel?

a. Happy and Joyful about Life
b. Amused
c. Energized and Active
d. Suddenly Extremely Affectionate Towards All Living Things
e. Guilty and Uneasy

What?!!? Why is "e" even a choice? Who could possibly feel guilty and uneasy looking at such an adorable photo?

Er, Crabby McSlacker, that's who.

So what's that all about?

Well, first off, I did feel a, b, c, and d first before I settled into e. I'm human, after all.

But if I could capture the weirdness that went on in my head when I looked at that picture, it would go something like this:


Oh, I love that picture, that doggy is so cute!

He's having a great time with that ball.

Because he's playing. It's a game! That looks fun!

Dogs like games.

Hey, you used to like games too!

Remember, Crabby, you would play lots of outdoor running-around games when you were a kid? They're called "sports."

Sports are great exercise.

Remember soccer? You liked soccer.

You get credit for doing cardio and even intervals when you're playing soccer! And it's way more fun than the treadmill.

You are always talking about how much you hate going to the gym.

Hey, why don't you ever look for a chance to play soccer or tennis or dodgeball or something fun instead of going to the gym you hate?

Because you are lame, that's why.


Fear of Failure

Part of the reason I never get around to finding a pick-up soccer game, or a kickball league, or a racquet ball partner, or whatever, has to do with logistics and laziness. I'd need to find something casual and friendly and flexible and not too advanced and not too far away. To find something like that would require effort and diligence and some plain good luck. But that's not the only thing going on.

Because a few years ago I discovered, get this, a weekly pick-up soccer game three blocks from my house consisting of friendly middle-aged women! If the Exercise Gods were trying to devise a tempting sports endeavor for me to try, it couldn't get much better than that. I played soccer as a kid, and a little bit in high school. I wasn't great, but I was reasonably comfortable kicking the ball around.

So I bought a pair of cleats, went three or four times, and that was it. I started making excuses and stopped going. Even though I had fun playing a good percentage of the time I was on the field.

Why did I start to dread the Sunday morning games? I guess it was a combination of shyness, perfectionism, and fear of looking like an ass. The fact that I did not actually do anything glaringly ass-like did not seem to lessen the fear that I would.

I just did the normal screwing-up that anyone who is "average" does when they play a game. I kicked the ball where I did not mean it to go; I failed to stop players from the opposing team from sailing right by me with the ball; I passed to the wrong people at the wrong time. I also did good things, too, like score goals or steal the ball away from better players. And while I was new to the group (and the other women all knew each other already), they weren't snotty and standoffish, they were very personable. I'm sure the pre-game chatting I found awkward would have gotten way less stilted and more fun over time.

However, despite having mostly a good time at these pick-up games, I'd still dread going the next week. It felt like something that was "good for me" but a little too scary. Since no one was making me go, I stopped.

Which I know was a stupid move. Had I hung in there, I'm sure I would have eventually gotten perfectly comfortable and enjoyed myself more and more each time. And nothing in the world beats exercise you enjoy! When I have a great run it's the best feeling in the world. Endorphins + smugness = unbeatable.

Anyone Else?

A while back, I wrote a post about the current trend of team sports being eliminated from P.E. classes, called: "Gym Class Memories: Happy, or Heinous? And if you haven't read it, the best part is the comments: some funny and also heart-rending tales of miserable gym class experiences. I had no idea how bad it could be! But reading the comments, I also found that there are lots of people who love participating in sports and lots and lots of other people who hate participating in sports. And I could understand both viewpoints! I can't help wondering if I'm someone who could learn to love sports again, if I could just get over myself and stop worrying about screwing up?


Boot Camp Lessons

So I mentioned earlier in the summer that I've been going to a "boot camp" class twice a week, which is something of a departure for me. While I'm no fan of calisthenics, it's been a great reminder that company and camaraderie when you exercise can be, well, motivating.

Duh! I know this is not a revelation to most people, but I'd forgotten that.

Being neurotic, I still managed to feel a bit of "performance anxiety" in an exercise class where no one gives a crap what anyone else is doing. But I got over it pretty quickly, and now only dread the jump squats and the burpees and the suicides, not the imagined judgments of others about how well or poorly I do them.

Who knows, maybe if another pick-up soccer game played by middle aged women happens to locate itself within blocks of my house... next time I'll take advantage of it!

Anyone else ambivalent about competitive sports? Or do you just plain love 'em or just plain hate 'em?

Gym Class Memories: Happy or Heinous?

[By Crabby]

According to a recent A.P. article, P.E. classes have changed since the old days. That is, in the schools that even have physical education anymore.

Now there's less emphasis on team sports and more on doing exercises and other individual activities.

More attention is being paid to limitations of overweight or obese kids, which is another reason, the article says, why individual activities are preferred. This way the heavier kids can go at their own pace. And "even if the lesson is about a team sport like football, they focus on skills like passing the ball."

You can kind of tell from the tone of the article that we're supposed to think this is all a great thing--and I'm not saying it isn't, exactly. But the lead paragraph starts off like this:

"With music pumping in the background, the kids in Terry Wade's physical education class are in constant motion, going from sit-ups to jumping jacks to curls with light weights"--and the picture is of two wildly happy looking adolescent girls jumping up in the air.

Well, at twelve I would NOT have been wildly happy about that sort of P.E. class.

Back when P.E. was just another word for "recess" to me, occasional drills and calisthenics and walking/jogging around the track seemed like cruel and inexplicable punishments. Why were we stuck doing boring hard icky things when we could be playing something?

I loved playing. Pretty much anything: soccer and basketball and softball and tennis and volleyball and dodgeball and kickball. Even if my lungs were burning and my legs were aching, I'd be having a blast.

But I was lucky. I was a reasonably well-coordinated tomboy. This was back in an era when girls were not allowed to play full-court basketball until high school, and we weren't supposed to know to know how to swing a bat or even which end of a tennis racket to hold. We were all supposed to throw "like girls." In other words, expectations were really freakin' low. So even though I had no special athletic talent, I was considered "good" at sports. Playing them was fun 'cause I was better than a good percentage of the other girls. (I am pretty much incapable of finding things "fun" when I suck at them.)

In fact, once I went off to college, and sports were no longer mandatory so everyone who hated them or was lousy at them didn't play anymore, I found out I wasn't actually all that good at anything. Not coincidentally, sports became a lot less interesting to me and I haven't played any for years.

So for all the people who weren't motivated or coordinated or were self-conscious about their bodies or whatever: I can totally understand why the total elimination of team sports in gym class might seem like a phenomenally awesome idea. (And if you want an off-color but amusing take on why high school gym class sucks, as usual our friends at the Midwest Teen Sex Show are all over it. Warning: NSFW.)

Still, reading the article I had mixed feelings. Sure, P.E. classes should be as inclusive as possible. And there should be a variety of activities so that at any given time, only half of the kids are totally miserable, and not always the same half every day.

But isn't something missing if the kids can't play any team sports during P.E.? Should we not teach algebra because it's going to make some kids feel bad that they're no good at it?

Sure, competition can be ugly sometimes, and I think the whole "character building" aspect of sports is grossly overrated. (A rant for another time). But dang it, I hate to think of a whole generation of kids having to take aerobics classes and do sit-ups everyday and coming to dread them at 13 when they could save that dread for later, when they're 30 or 50 0r whatever. Can't they spend some days at least trying to kick a goal or catch a fly ball or hit a home run? 'Cause that stuff can be, you know, hella fun. Sit ups are never hella fun; I don't care WHAT kind of music is pumping.

So this whole post is really just an excuse to hear about your gym class experiences. Any fond memories or horrible nightmares? It's my impression that the mere word "gym class" can induce in many people the sort of visceral reaction normally associated with "tax audit" or "colonoscopy." Or how do you feel about team sports? Play any voluntarily these days? Feel free to share!

UPDATE:
We're getting some strong feelings and amazing stories in the comments section--honestly, I had no idea gym class was so awful for so many people. If you don't normally pop in to read comments, today is a good day to check it out!

Miracle Drug Pumps up Athletic Performance

What's this new wonder drug that helped athletes battle through painful workouts as though they couldn't feel a thing?

Oh gosh, it's not such a new drug after all: it's called a placebo.

Crabby never fails to find herself amused by the placebo effect, because it's sort of the Practical Joke of health and medical research. Yet it's also real and tremendously effective. Because we humans are so goofy, our expectations about what's going to happen are often way more powerful than any medication researchers are trying to test.

Anyway, this particular study (spotted by New Scientist) might be interesting to those who are competitive athletes or sports fans, because it seems to suggest a sneaky way around some of the anti-doping restrictions.

Basically, a group of Italian athletes underwent an artificially painful and unpleasant workout in the Name of Science (just like in yesterday's study, because apparently European researchers like to torture athletic young men just for giggles). The scientists timed how long these guys could "operate an exercise device while blood flow in their arm was restricted, making the exercise painful." But during two practice sessions (spaced a week apart), some got morphine injections. The morphine-doped men were able to exercise for longer.

Well, a week later the morphine group got a fake injection. And what happened? They still managed to exercise for longer, "seemingly oblivious to the pain."

The New Scientist article noted that World Anti-Doping Agency rules allow athlete to take opiate painkillers like morphine during training, but not on the day of a competition. And they suggest that this creates a Big Conundrum. Is it cheating to train an athlete with morphine, then use the placebo effect to give him a boost on the day of the competition?

Interesting question, kinda. Franky, Crabby doesn't really give a crap because she's not a huge fan of sports or competitive athletics. But many of you actually run races and go tearing around on bicycles and swim competitively and such, and some of you might have an opinion on whether this sort of thing should be kosher.

Crabby had a far more pressing question, but even when she went straight to the source, she couldn't find the answer. (Unfortunately, the source was greedy and wanted money, damn it, so she was stuck with just the abstract.) The question was about the "fake" morphine shot. It sounds, from the article, like the athletes thought they were getting morphine but didn't. Which is generally part of the placebo effect.

Well, if that's true, then how the heck is a trainer going to take advantage of it for real races?

Sneaky Trainer: All ready? The race starts soon, it's time for your shot!

Athlete: Whoa, dude, morphine on race day? Won't that disqualify me?

Sneaky Trainer: Uh, no--not at all! It's totally legal now for you to have morphine right before a race.

Athlete: Really? Awesome! Bring it on, I like that stuff!

Sneaky Trainer: Go get 'em tiger!

As an aside, Crabby is rarely able to take advantage of the placebo effect herself. She suspects it takes a more optimistic world view than she has. She expects pain pills and other remedies not to do much, and sure enough, they don't. She has always envied the Placebo People, who often tell her about the latest weird herbal remedy they just tried that totally fixed their chronic (whatever) problem. No doubt it will work for Crabby too!

It never does.

So is anyone else intrigued by the placebo effect? Are you susceptible? Or have any thoughts on doping in sports, or the gratuitous exercise-torture of young buffed male athletes?

Saturday Grab Bag

It's a random research day here at Cranky Fitness--where weekends mean sloppy laid-back blogging! Featuring: no transitions, weird stuff Crabby has collected but doesn't have anything sensible to say about, and assorted observations about things that have nothing to do with health and fitness.

Will Sunday's entry be any better? Is there any chance tomorrow will have carefully researched health news and nuanced discussion of Important Health Issues?

Not at all! Tomorrow is all about Adsense and Amazon and other bloggy things. Serious health and fitness readers are advised, as usual, to hit the archives or go explore other fine health and fitness blogs. Like, for instance, Diet King or Blogging While Fat. Both feature thoughtful, witty posts about weight loss.

Or you could always go look at cool offbeat architecture. Whenever Crabby goes there she lusts after dwellings that are not her own. It's house porn!

Another fine diversion, especially if you have a blog: go visit our good friend Geosomin at The Supposed Golden Path, and find out what your blog is rated! (Cranky Fitness is rated PG, for mentioning both Drugs (2) and Death (1)!)

On a more humanitarian note, you could help Deb Shed Pounds for Primates!

But if you're stubborn and would still like a few random health and fitness tidbits, Cranky Fitness style, here they are.

From a study of 92 patients over three years at an Irish hospital, here are some interesting observations about human bite wounds:

1. Men are 12 times more likely than women to sustain severe human bite injuries;

2. Alcohol was involved in 86% of the injuries; illicit drugs in 12%.

3. Seventy per cent of incidents occurred during the weekend or on a public holiday.

4. Seven out of ten bites were to the face.

And so remember how Crabby said no transitions? She meant it! Next up, a depressing survey of 3500 eleven year olds on the use of doping agents. The results:

More than one percent of them admitted to using performance enhancing drugs to do better in sports. The proportion increased from 1.2 to 3 percent by the age of 15. "While 62% of eleven years olds used doping agents less than once per month, at 15 the same proportion were using them at least every week and 24 per cent daily."

Yikes.

And here's some information on the health status of college students, based on a survey of more than 800 undergraduates:

1. At least one-third were overweight or obese;

3. Sixty percent of men had high blood pressure;

4. More than two-thirds of women were not meeting their nutritional needs for iron, calcium or folate; and,

5. Eight percent of men had "metabolic syndrome." This means a combination of high blood pressure, excess abdominal fat, high blood glucose, high triglycerides, and low “good” cholesterol. Sixty-six percent of men had at least one risk factor, as did fifty percent of the women. Metabolic syndrome often predicts future development of heart disease and diabetes.

Oh yes, and remember that discussion we had about Vitamin D and Cancer Prevention, and how you could take supplements but maybe you didn't have to worry if you got plenty of sunshine?

Well, sorry! New info just in: You can live in Hawaii, foolishly go out without sunscreen for hours a day, and yet still be deficient in Vitamin D!

Depressed yet? Research is fun! Maybe next time, Crabby will find a more uplifting group of random studies. Enjoy your weekend!

Spectator Sports Cause Shocking Rise in Obesity?

Really? Are professional sports in some way responsible for the population's increasing problem with excess weight?

Nah. Well, who knows. It's at least as good a theory as blaming microwave ovens. (Or workplace vending machines. Or PBS, Paris Hilton, Frankie Goes to Hollywood, or leg warmers. But it sure is fun to blame someone, isn't it?)

Actually Crabby just feels like picking on spectator sports today, so she will. She went to a baseball game over the weekend, so she's especially eager to make fun of that sport. (She actually had a great time, what with the sun and the snacks and the Anchor Steam). But towards the end of the post, Crabby will even go out on a limb and proclaim Baseball a Stupid Sport! Be sure to tell all your friends to come here and see for themselves what a complete jerk she is.

But first, a quick list of reasons why spectator sports, particularly viewed at home on TV, are Bad For You:

They are generally viewed in a seated position, and they go on forever. Think about it: televised sporting events are about three times as long as normal TV shows. Even without the pre-game this and the post-game that. And true sports fans always need to see a pre-game this or a post-game that.

Worse, since you have to watch games in real time, you're sitting through all the commercials. (Which tend to feature beer and junk food). If you watch House or Gray's Anatomy, for instance, you Tivo it or whatever and you don't even know what crap they might be advertising. But during a ball game, you end up hearing about every damn topping Domino's decides to dump on their pizzas that week.

But here's the most insidious thing about spectator sports: the way they trick the spectators into thinking they've gotten exercise themselves.

Ever seen a total sports fan watch a game? They go through all the agony and the triumph, riding the same roller-coaster of endorphins that the actual players do--but they do it all sprawled on the couch with a big bag of Doritos in their laps.

When it's over, do they jump up and go out for a run or to play a little game of football or basketball or baseball themselves? Your actual mileage may vary, but from what I've observed: they do not. Sure, a nice big hunk of the day is gone, but they've helped their team win! (Or almost win!) They're tired now. They need a nap.

And now, as promised, Crabby's going to complain even more about Baseball, a game that perplexes her. The thing she finds most confusing is why all the smart, thoughtful, otherwise admirable people she knows seem to find it so enchanting.

It's designed, on purpose, to be boring! Hardly anything ever happens!

For one, the season consists of seven hundred thousand games, plus the playoffs, so no individual game actually counts until the very end.

And in what other sport do the participants get to delay the game whenever they feel like it, with no penalty, just 'cause they don't feel quite "ready?" They need to think about it. They need more practice swings. Batters finally get all crouched and ready and then they step out of the box again to scratch their noses and take even more practice swings. Pitchers stare and swivel around to second base. They adjust their crotches and stare some more. Ready yet? Ah... no. Not quite yet.

Sometimes when the pitcher's screwing up there's even a little tea-party on the mound. Why on earth is this allowed? The pitcher and the catcher and maybe a baseman or two all decide to have a conference. What could these guys possibly need to say to the pitcher besides: "could you please stop walking people and pitch a few f*cking strikes instead?" But they have their little committee meetings anyway, and the fans all just sit there and wait. And have another hot dog or a few more tortilla chips.

Okay, to be fair, sometimes there's action. An occasional home run. Watch the ball... it's going over the fence... Yep, there it goes. It's gone.

And then every now and then a pitcher will hit a batter "accidentally" in a way the boys in the dugout take exception to. This is indeed exciting. Suddenly, everyone comes charging out and they're all hitting each other! (Though generally not a fan of violence, Crabby actually sort of enjoys the sight of overpaid professional athletes mixing it up. She's not proud of this, but its true). Unfortunately, this hardly ever happens.

Crabby really, really doesn't get why people are so enthusiastic about baseball. She officially declares Baseball a Really Stupid Sport.

(Crabby, ducking hurled objects, makes her exit quickly, stage left).