Free Online Workouts and Other Gym Alternatives

Guest Post By Dave Smith

It's true, you don't have to be a gym rat to get in great shape! For gym alternatives that don't cost a penny, please welcome back Dave Smith who has some awesome suggestions. --Crabby

Gym Memberships Are Overrated: How You Can Get In Great Shape Without One

Last week I received an email from a woman who desperately “needed” to lose weight and had only a few weeks to reach her goal. She explained that while she was willing to do whatever it takes, she realized that her situation might be hopeless because she doesn’t have a gym membership.

A gym membership is a prerequisite for getting in shape? Really?

I know this woman is not alone because I’ve heard sentiments like this from many others in the past.

“I’d like to get in shape but I have no time for the gym.”

“If I didn’t hate going to the gym, I’d exercise all the time.”

For some reason going to the gym has become synonymous with fitness. I’d like to offer a few reasons why this notion is far from reality.

Move It to Lose It

Guest Post By Jan Bono

Crabby is still trying to get her act together after returning from Hong Kong and Bali, waylaid by chores involved packing up for a cross-country relocation.  (And yes, talk about your First World Problems.) So she apologizes for major blog slackitude on her part.  Good thing though that ace contributor Jan Bono has more insights to share about her astounding weight loss journey! Remember you can get her book at “Back from Obesity: My 252-pound Weight-Loss Journey” either in print or on Jan's smashwords page. And the apologetic crab hopes to be back next week!--Crabby

I’ve been roughly “at goal weight” now for several years, but I can vividly recall the monumental effort to sign on the dotted line at our local fitness center. At the time, I was still over 350 pounds, and wanted absolutely nothing to do with public exercise.

I mean seriously, what if someone I knew saw me there? What if I heard snickers from other people working out? How could I possibly justify the expense when I was pretty sure I’d never stick with it for the length of a single 3-month contract?

5 Things You Should be Doing in the Gym (and 5 Things That Waste Your Time)

Guest Post by Carly Pizzani

It can be hard enough to motivate yourself to take the plunge and join a gym, but what the heck are you supposed to do once you get there?  Years ago I wrote a goofy post on How Not to Make an Ass of Yourself Your First Time at the Gym, and it was a lot more popular than it should have been for being such a goofy post. I suspect it was because so many people are a little gymtimidated, which if it isn't a word really should be. Anyway, so for some better advice on optimizing your gym experience, please welcome Carly Pizzani, a certified personal trainer with an awesome blog Fine Fit Day! (And there's more info on Carly at the end).  --Crabby

When you join a new gym, one of the perks often thrown in with your membership is a complimentary session with a personal trainer. They’re trying to get you signed up for training, of course, but as a trainer who used to work in a gym, I can tell you that maybe one in ten of those free sessions ever amounts to actual sessions sold. I always tell people joining a gym to book that free session and use it to pick the brain of the fitness professional you’re paired with - how often do you get a one-on-one with someone whose whole career is built around what to do (and not do!) in your workout to really get results?

For those of you who don’t have this option, I thought I’d put together a list of what I wish regular gym-goers knew to save themselves time, to get results and to maximize their effort working out.

Clueless Gym Behavior: Ask the Personal Trainers

Who is THIS moron? Oh wait...

Welcome to our first installment of  "Ask the Personal Trainers!"  We have four personal trainers lined up to answer your questions, and they're a diverse, knowledgeable, and amusing bunch.

Plus, since I can't keep my mouth shut, I'll weigh in too! Sure, I have absolutely no qualifications whatsoever.  But when has that ever stopped my from offering advice before?

This time, since we have introductions to make, there's only one question and it's mine.  This is because it's my blog and I'm a greedy control freak I wanted to start off with a general question that could reflect each trainer's overall fitness philosophies.   

However, we gotten some great reader questions! I haven't forgotten them, and some of these have already been submitted for next time.  (These involve rotator cuff problems, core work and post-hysterectomy recovery, and unmotivated clients, so stay tuned!)

What's today's question?

What is the most clueless thing you see people do in a gym, and what should they be doing instead?

But first, let's meet our trainers!

Cheap Ways to Create a Home Gym

Wouldn't it would be nice to have the money and space to create a well-equipped, spacious home gym?

Dream on, Crabby.
(Photo: The Killer Biscuit)

It would also be nice to have a personal chef, daily maid service, a buffed and charming personal trainer, and while we’re at it, a private island retreat with a pool, a 3-story water slide, and a cute little swim-up tiki bar.

Let's just say this is a fruit smoothie, shall we?
Photo: Randy Son Of Robert

However, if you haven't yet managed to purchase a winning Lotto ticket, here are a few ideas for economical ways to work out at home. And I’m hoping Smart Readers will chime in the comments with better suggestions!

General tips:

Look for used equipment at garage sales, second hand stores, or online. Duh, right? But when faced with something bright and new and shiny in a store or catalog, it’s easy to forget that you might be able to get the same thing used. Take advantage of the fact we’re a culture of optimists—really lazy optimists. Some sucker already bought exactly what you want, decided it was too much effort, and is now selling it cheap.

Figure Out What Exercises You Want to Do First. Unfortunately, you can’t just grab a pair of dumbbells or an elastic band and expect it to design an exercise program for you. It’s best to figure out what you’re trying to accomplish before you buy equipment.

If you already have a gym routine and are just trying to replicate it at home, you’ll have an easier time. But if you’re starting from scratch, you may want to read fitness books, do some web surfing, or find a personal trainer to help you design a program.

Ideally, you probably want to get some aerobic exercise, and eventually throw in some high-intensity intervals. You also should think about building some muscles, and working to increase your flexibility and balance. But there are a bazillion different ways to approach these goals, from Bollywood dance videos to gravity defying yoga poses to Olympic weight lifting routines. Some of these will seem almost fun and some will be absolute torture, it's all very personal!

A Few Cardio Options:

Really Cheap: Aerobic Exercise DVD’s (you can even get these off Netflix or free at many public libraries), step platforms, jump-ropes, mini-trampolines, calisthenics or other “functional fitness” routines, and adding circuit training to your weight routine.

But my basement ceiling isn't that high!

No, not “circus training!”

Circuit training just means doing your strength training fairly continuously without letting your heart rate drop too much between exercises.

Another useful home option, if the weather’s good: Your Front Door! (Just open it and go outside for a run, bike ride, walk, or whatever).

Somewhat Reasonable: Used or reconditioned exercise bikes, rowers, manual treadmills, step climbers, manual ellipticals, cross-country ski machines, and those doo-hickeys that convert your street bike into an exercise bike so you can ride around the house without crashing into walls or scaring the crap out of the cat.

Not Cheap but Possibly Affordable: (If you score a good used or reconditioned item): Motorized treadmills or ellipticals or anything else some impulsive dork bought and never used. High quality motorized equipment is most like what they have at commercial gyms, but it’s hard to find cheap.

Strength Training Options:

Really Cheap: Resistance bands, body-weight exercises or functional fitness routines (free, but you need to research these and may need some coaching), make-at-home weights (like soup cans, gallon milk containers), and strength training and yoga DVDS from the library or Netflix.

Fairly Cheap: Garage sale dumbbells, barbells, benches, racks, etc.; pull up bars (use a chair beneath for assistance if you can’t do ‘em on your own); suspension training systems (these are straps like these that come from the ceiling or a doorway that help you use your bodyweight for resistance); medicine balls, kettlebells, weighted vests.

Possibly Affordable if You Find it Used: A multi-station home gym, especially if you’re handy and can go to a seller’s house, disassemble it, schlep it home, and reassemble it yourself.


Balance/Flexibility:

These are all pretty reasonably priced: yoga dvd’s, bosu balls, stability balls, balance boards, and eyelids.

(Instructions for eyelids: close them as you raise one foot off the ground and stand there until you start to teeter. Try to regain balance before performing inadvertent faceplant on the floor).


Do any of you use any of these? Maybe someone has some better suggestions?

Random Thursday posts cause a flat stomach!

My personal theory is that reading Random Thursday posts causes people to become healthy, fit, flat-stomached, and fully prepared for anything that the rest of the week may bring.

Photo credit: luiginter

Sisters make people happy

Sisters spread happiness while brothers breed distress, experts believe. Researchers quizzed 571 people aged 17 to 25 about their lives and found those who grew up with sisters were more likely to be happy and balanced.

Except... I have more brothers than I do sisters, so does that mean I'm more distressed than I am happy?

People who snore heavily burn more calories

People who snore heavily or have sleep apnea burn more calories when resting when the condition is more severe, researchers have found. Researchers at the University of California at San Francisco found that the average number of calories burned during rest was 1,763 per day. But those who scored the worst on a scale of apnea and disruptions in breathing burned 1,999 calories per day, about 300 more on average than those who scored the lowest.

Since people who live with heavy snorers are themselves likely to have trouble sleeping, and since lack of sleep can interfere with the ability to lose weight, that means the snorers will be thin and the non-snorers won't be?

Do people who take the bus to the gym get extra credit?

People who use public transit are three times more likely to meet fitness guidelines than those who don't, say researchers at the University of British Columbia.

When I first read this article, I thought "Well, duh." The researchers asked people to keep travel diaries for two consecutive days in two consecutive years, which sounds a bit skimpy. However, they interviewed over 18,000 people, which sounds more impressive. (Also sounds like a lot of work to me.)

Maybe Nike should try doing this...

This has absolutely no relation to health or fitness... or even whining... but I thought it was kinda cool. This website lists different shoes and articles of clothing made by the company Patagonia. It describes what part of the world the clothing was made in, where in the U.S. it's distributed from, the carbon dioxide emissions involved in transporting it... okay, so I ended up feeling a bit guilty after reading these things. Still good to know: Patagonia: the Footprint chronicles.

A Random Thursday post traditionally finishes up with a S.A.V. (yes, Silly Animal Video). Today, it's time for a change.



[Text for the video-impaired: musical rendition of ordering food in a restaurant. Kind of like the Monty Python Spam sketch, only with classier music.]


My other, and more probable, personal theory is that people who read Crabby's marvelous post tomorrow will tend to be healthier, thinner, fitter, richer, flat-stomacher, and better suited for the weekend.

What, you got a better personal theory?

Gym Bunny? Or Not?

This Guest Post was written by Cari Corbet-Owen: Clinical psychologist and author of 'The Mind over Fatter Programme' and 'The Joy-Filled Body: Eat! Play! Love and Live!' Catch her over at her website, Ditch Diets, Live Light!


I'm trying to think of the most sensible thing I've done.... and you know what, I had to conclude it was resigning from the gym - and feeling relieved about it. WHAT? I can just hear the .... and she thinks that's sensible??? Hold on, hold on, I can explain.

One upon a size xxxxl (that followed the period when I had been not so sensibly anorexic and thin enough that you could have faxed me) I signed up zealously at the gym. Yip - I was going to exercise this fat bod into submission, even if I got exercise bulimia, (which I thought from experience was a vastly more sensible option than anorexia, I mean I could eat loads doing the weight loss thing this way) um... even if it killed me. It nearly did.

Now, look to my credit, I had gone out and invested in leggings and a headband that matched my leotard, you see if there was one thing I knew for sure it was that I wasn't going to be fat AND unfashionable! I my fantasy life I just knew I was going to be one of those 'cool-as a cucumber, hardly-raising-a-sweat-types' who arrived in pristine makeup and left looking the same way.

So I try to make myself as invisible as possible. But Houston we have a problem. My breasts alone are about the size of the Grand Tetons and if I unleashed them two black eyes would be my lot. I'm only about double the size (even if it was only in my mind) of every other thinderella there. How come they all seem to have that cucumber coolness while I'm more um.... well let's just politely label it 'beet puce'. and I'm breathing as if in labour.

Everyone else's makeup seems run-proof. Mine - ( I don't usually wear any but I made an exception for gym - I mean that's sensible isn't it?) well it's sweated itself everywhere and to cap it all, I've got about as much rhythm as a broken windmill. When everyone else's leg is up - mine's the only one still down. The instructor tries smiling at me and I want to slap her. Why does she have to notice me. She (that's me) shuffles, look down....I mean, I'm a psychologist, that's a rational reaction isn't it???? Please say 'yes'.

And if you've ever believed in this 'no pain, no gain' principle you'll know that you get two stages to stiffness; the first day you're worried you're not going to live and by the second day you're more concerned that you are going to! I went through both these. So, you've got to admit that the only sensible thing to do to avoid future near death experiences of this kind was to turn in my resignation. By that I mean, I buried that gym card in my bottom drawer and never went back.

But it did teach me something of value (I finally locate my sensible cap)- being a gym bunny isn't for everyone. Some people like structured classes. Not me. I'm someone who likes to hop on my bike, throw on my shoes when the fancy takes me and head off on a hike, or dance when no-one is looking. (it has to be when no-one is looking - remember I told you about that rhythm thing)

I'm not someone who does well starting off doing too much too soon. I suppose I have to admit that my masochistic tendencies just aren't developed strongly enough. And if yours are, and your body doesn't take exception, that's cool by me. I discovered my body really does much better with regular exercise that I can increase over time. It really likes getting stronger and fitter slowly, it finds that sustainable and enjoyable.

I hate anything that means I have to dress fashionably (what was I thinking?...in truth I could easily win the award for the worst dressed woman around) - and heck when I'm out enjoying the breeze (I prefer the outdoors too) and the delight of being active, I don't want to have to compare myself with a cucumber cool flawless barbie. I used to aspire to being one, but I've handed in my notice on that idea. Getting older is fabulous - as my eyesight declines, I'm finding it vastly easier to fall in like with myself.

I'm also someone who hates having to get into my car to drive somewhere to exercise - it just robs my day of time. I don't do well on an exercise program that I have to tie my life in knots to fit in. I want being active to just be a natural part of my day. So, I'd rather have a workout walking up the steep hill to the shops with my backpack on. I'm killing a couple birds with one stone.... fitting in my shopping, fitting in some sunshine, smiling at a few people on the way, doing my affirmations, taking a break from work AND striding out. An hour later I'm back at my computer feeling refreshed and invigorated. I somehow never felt that way at the gym.

Yip, I guess, there are many ways of staying fit and healthy and the best way to do it, at least for me, has been to find out what I enjoy and what I know I can keep on doing without it being a bore and a chore and something I dread.

Workout DVDs for kids? Also, Grammar Nazis

I know Crabby already covered the topic of children using kiddy treadmills. The trend of treating children as if they were adults has also drifted into the land of the workout video.

The title says it all: "Dance Workout with Barbie!" Yes, it's an exercise workout with an animated Barbie doll. For children 5 and up, this is apparently a serious workout video. (According to one source, Jennifer Love Hewitt is one of the backup dancers in this video. Since it was made over a decade ago, I don't feel bad about not recognizing her.) Take them to a park and let them play, fer Pete's sake!



I keep trying to see this from the point of view of the parent whose child's school no longer offers PE. Yes, gym was often heinous, especially if you were, like moi, uncoordinated. (Did you know that uncoordinated children are more likely to grow up to be obese? Seems to me what they could be teaching in schools is some form of exercise that's fun. Even if you're uncoordinated, if you can build up some confidence it would help.)



All the same, the idea of a workout video for 5-year old children really depresses me.

What do the parents out there think? Is this sort of thing teaching children to be cranky about fitness at way too early an age, or is it a necessary evil? (I'm sorry if that last term offends all the Barbie lovers out there, but that animated Barbie strikes me as the epitome of the poorly dressed and highly creepy low-life trailer-trash doll.)

Also, I had to include this video clip. The Onion News Network debates whether violent video games really prepare today's children for life in a post-apocalyptic world:



In honor of National Grammar Day (which was yesterday), I stole leveraged this video clip from the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar:



[Text for the video-impaired: Hitler rails about Grammar Nazis and the importance of spelling correctly on a job application. Some bad language, at least in the subtitles. But it's grammatically correct bad language.]

What do Grammar Nazis have to do with fitness, you ask? To celebrate National Grammar Day, even a day late, it is suggested that you hold a party featuring nutritional, high-fiber foods. Because they're good for the colon.

(No word yet on whether low-fiber Krispy Kreme doughnuts are good for the semicolon, or for the comma, exclamation point, or M-dash, but I'm thinking of conducting a study to research the matter.)

Rhymes & Randomimity

[By Merry]

Where'd everybody go?

Note: because it amused the muse, part of this post is expressed in poetical form. However, for those who are not especially fond of poetry, a prose translation has been included at no extra charge.

'Twas the Thursday before Labor Day
And all through the blog
Not a commenter in sight
All were lost in the smog

I know, it's the day before the start of a holiday weekend, and the last one of the summer at that. That means the reading population of this blog has been cut in half (i.e. only 1 person is reading this). It's pretty lonely in here.

They were all stuck in traffic
On the road, not the 'Net,
Seeking vacation,
To get away and forget.

I mean, even Crabby's joined the Witness Protection program gone on holiday.


In which case, Merry thought,
Why bother with genius?
There's no one to read
Or react, e'en with meanness.

It wouldn't hurt to amuse myself. (You won't tell Crabby, will you?)


Screw it! thought she
(but poetically so)
It's Random Link time
And no one need know.

Relevant Health-related stuff

MizFit had the brilliant idea of doing lunges while cleaning the kitchen floor... and, even more brilliant, the idea of getting other people to clean the kitchen under the guise of their "getting a workout." Sheer genius, that woman.

Sure, she can do Windows, but could she handle a Mac?

This idea is being implemented on a larger scale at a gym in Portland

In this gym, you can ride an exercise bike (or use the treadmill, etc.) and the energy gets converted into electricity. As they put it "reduce your waistline and your carbon footprint."

If you're feeling more in the pedestrian mode, Dr. Mirkin has an article on how to increase walking speed.


Cows and humans have more in common than you thought

You've probably seen or heard of the new finding that, even without being herded, cattle align on a north/south orientation.


Apparently, humans do something similar:
Some studies suggest humans who sleep in an East-West position have far shorter rapid eye movement or REM sleep cycles, in which dreams occur, compared with North-South sleepers who got more REM sleep.

What's that doing in a random lineup? It strikes me as amusing, bizarre, and probably an indication that we've all been planted here for the aliens to pick up at a later date.

For some reason this reminds me of that classic early Cranky Fitness link:
Cow abduction site

Have you seen the Mothership?

CFLs are good for you!

In fact, here's a list of three of the best (in my view) early Cranky Fitness links:
- Complaint Choirs
- Cow abduction
- Free rice

Please feel free to disagree with me on this list! Send in your own favorites of erstwhile CFLs (Cranky Fitness Links).


And yes, in keeping with tradition, a cat video.


On bloggers! On readers!
On commenters off-the-wall!
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!

One more day until the weekend!

Ready, Set,... Ah Hell.

[By Crabby]

Is Transition Time Eating Up Your Day?

Does anyone else find that a really huge and annoying percentage of the day seems to take place not actually doing things, but getting ready to do things and tidying back up after the things have been done?

"Going to the gym," for example, may consist of working out for an hour or so, but is that how much time you need to budget for it?

No, of course not! Not unless you work as a personal trainer or have a home gym and happen to spend all day in your gym clothes, ready to go at any moment. Oh, and you'd also need to manage to work out vigorously without perspiring.

Depending on your routine, "going to the gym" could also consist of finding your car keys or bus pass, collecting all your gear, getting out the front door and remembering you've forgotten something, starting all over again, driving, finding parking, waiting in line at the front desk, chatting with friends, changing into workout clothes, using the restroom, working out (which could also including waiting for machines or class to start or whatever), going back to the locker room, trying to remember which day locker you put your stuff in, stripping off your sweaty clothes, showering, drying your hair, applying deodorant/lotion/sunscreen/make-up or whatever you tend to slather on yourself, putting on your clothes again, getting back into your car... and then, finally, getting ready to do the next thing.

Don't You Hate It When You Realize
You've Forgotten Something Important?
Photo by NataliaEnvy

And yet, some folks stubbornly refuse to acknowledge that life is like this. They are surprised, every single time, when things take so much longer that they should. How come the day is over already and so many things didn't get done?

It's my theory that people who tend to be lead healthy, balanced, productive, yet stress-free lives are often really good at mastering transitions.

Alas, I am not one of those people.

I would further hypothesize that there are at least two important components to mastering transitions, both of which I suck at. But if you, unlike me, actually want to work on these two things, perhaps you can be one of those Successful, Balanced, Healthy, Stress-Free Productive People!

1. Prepare Ahead or Improvise?

Some people are natural "prepare ahead" types; others may have to try to teach themselves this skill. Pack your gym bag the night before your workout! Make a list of things you need to pick up after work! Have a single place to keep your keys so you don't put them down all over the house and then forget where! Think through meal planning, shop for days/weeks/months in advance, cut things up for the week ahead, make extra portions to freeze for later, and have lots of matching food storage containers that are not warped and actually have tops!

There are people out there who actually do all this stuff, consistently, and you rarely see them at work all wild-haired because they forgot to bring a brush to the gym, or guiltily scarfing sad vending machine items because they didn't manage to pack a healthy lunch.

Those of us who wait until we're hungry for dinner and then stare into the refrigerator and realize we need to go shopping unless we want to make a meal out of microwave popcorn and canned tuna and raisins? And then three hours later we're back from the store and actually finally eating something and wondering if the dishes will just this once agree to do themselves because, damn it, it's bed time already?

We're the ones who don't tend to get stuff checked off our "to do" lists very often. (Not that we're very good about making them in the first place).

2. Philosophical or Frantic?

Whether you prepare well or not, there's a certain amount of transition time that everyone has to go through. We need to gather things up, we need to get ourselves places, we must wait in lines and endure delays and deal with things that break at the wrong time or people that don't do what we want them to.

Some people take a very Zen* approach to everyday transitions. Life is life! Might as well enjoy each precious moment! So what if those moments are piling up and you're stuck in a long line at the grocery store and the cash register does something funny but the clerk doesn't know how to fix it and the supervisor is busy elsewhere and no one is opening another checkstand and a little boy is screaming Mommy Mommy Mommy Lookit Me Lookit Me over and over and over but Mommy is still not Lookitting?

Smile! It is what it is. You'll be out of there soon enough. We'll all be "outta here" soon enough.

Anyway, others of us are not so Zen. We get frustrated and make ourselves miserable; we rush and so we forget things; we get anxious and frantic and fumbly so we drop things and lose things and break things. We try to extract revenge on obstinate inanimate objects or, better yet, find culpable humans to blame when things go wrong. We rage and fume and fret and worry, which doesn't get us through our transitions any faster or more happily. Yet to change our approach? That would mean effort!

Perhaps some day I'll join the Stress-Free Healthy Balanced Productive People Crowd, and life will seem like it's all Doing! and not so much the Getting Ready and Cleaning Up!




But then it just wouldn't be Cranky Fitness, would it?

How about you folks, are you all Prepared and Zen, or do you struggle with all the extra crap that gets in the way of Doing?


*Like many health and personal development bloggers, I often invoke "Zen" principles without having any idea what Zen is about, liking the sound of it but being too lazy to educate myself. Actual Zen people--feel free to make tsking noises, if you Zen folk are allowed to do things like that.

Germs and Giveaways

I have to confess I've always tended to be somewhat of a slacker in the "kill all the nasty germs" department.

For example, I practice my own customized version of "the five second rule." And when they show those shocking reports on tv about all the nasty bacteria and viruses that swarm all over your phone or desk or hotel room bedspread or toothbrush or steering wheel? Others may gasp and shudder, but I tend to say: "whatever."

I figure I've been wandering around this earth for quite a few decades, and have touched all these germ-infested surfaces and nothing bad has ever happened to me. Normal hand-washing seems to do the trick--and it's not like I even run off to wash my hands every time I touch a doorknob or pet a dog or pick up a quarter off the sidewalk or anything.

Perhaps I should be dead by now, but I'm not.

So one might think Cranky Fitness would be an odd place to giveaway several bottles of a product called GymSoap, which is a tea-tree oil and triclosan based liquid soap that kills bacteria, viruses, and fungi. You take it to the gym to avoid picking up any unwelcome microscopic hitchhikers.

But there are four reasons why it's actually a very good idea to offer up some Gymsoap!

1. MizFit thinks it's great product.

2. There are a number of Cranky Fitness commenters who are Very Serious about fighting germs.

3. The very nice GymSoap folks offered us 3 bottles for free and,

4. A few months ago I read an article like this one on the rise of drug-resistant staph infections that people are getting from their gyms. Risking athlete's foot is one thing, but this MSRA stuff is creeeeepy. (The GymSoap folks have some icky pictures on their home page (scroll down), if you want to freak yourself out.) I am starting to rethink my "live and let live" approach to germ exposure, at least when I'm at the gym.

So anyway, about the soap: it's apparently gentle, yet also heavy duty enough to kick some serious bacterial, viral, and fungal ass. And if you go by the testimonials, it looks like it can also turn you into a muscular tanned award winning body builder or athlete if you wash your hands often enough.

(She uses GymSoap a LOT).

So wanna try some? You don't have to use it the gym, they also market it for home use too. Alas, it is again for U.S. residents only (unless you want to have it sent to a U.S. address). Sorry Bag Lady and all our other beloved international readers!

Two bottles will be given away based on a random drawing. The third will be won by the person who writes the most compelling and/or amusing comment as to why they would really like some free GymSoap.

Contest deadline is Midnight Tuesday night, August 5th; winners announced the next morning; email us by Thursday night the 7th to claim your prize!

Ask Cranky Fitness: The Dog Days & Gym Reality

[By Merry]
Dear Cranky Fitness,

My exercise partner has lost interest. Every time I bring my leash over and wag my tail, she makes some feeble excuse about needing caffeine, a nap, or something called "catching up on my email." I don't want to trade her in for a newer model; it took long enough to get this human trained. How can I convince her to get out in the fresh air with me more often?

signed,
Woman's Best Exercise Partner

Dear Partner,

Clearly some work needs to be done. Have you tried making sure your e.p. doesn't spend her evenings out carousing with other humans instead of turning around three times and lying down at a reasonable hour? In the morning, accidentally wagging the tail a bit too enthusiastically when she's sipping the last drop of coffee in the house might result in a quick sprint to a Starbucks.

Dear Cranky Fitness,

Could you possibly loan me a few million dollars? I could lose weight so easily if I could concentrate on cooking healthy meals and working out 13 hours a day like a super-celebrity. As it is, I have to go to work five days a week, and I come home tired, grumpy, and ready for a Happy Meal in front of the T.V. In the interest of fitness, could I borrow some $? Failing that, got any better ideas?

signed,
I. B. Draggin

Dear I.B.,

No problem! Would you take a check? Hope you don't mind that it's post-dated to January 2024.* (We have to go out and write the best-selling Cranky Fitness Code first. And find a publisher. And bribe Dan Brown so he doesn't sue us for plagiarism. Details.)
While we're waiting for the check to clear, have you considered cooking food on the weekend and storing it in cute little containers? This would also encourage you to bring food from home, which saves you from the urge to splurge on Scottish cuisine. Saving money on food will help you pay the bill for your gym membership. Trust us, sitting on the couch watching reality shows is nothing compared to going to the gym and watching reality.

___________________________________________________
What would you do if you had a recalcitrant exercise partner or an addiction to junk food and T.V.?

*We've been informed by the Cranky Fitness Legal Department that post-dating a check doesn't stop the bank from cashing it anyway. Hope you don't mind if we just move the decimal point on that check over a bit. (No, in the other direction.)


Have a health or fitness question? Then send it to CrabbyMcSlacker at gmail dot com and we'll do our best to provide an answer. (Not necessarily a 'good' answer, but certainly an original one.)

Exercise Equipment: We Got Some!

[By Crabby]

You know how I'm always griping about going to the gym? Well, as many of you have discovered, if you have stuff at home, you don't have to. Voila, no more sweltering temperatures or frustrating equipment or old people kicking your ass!

So in this week's give-away, courtesy of Sportsmith, you get the chance to win one of three lovely Fitness Thingies you can use at home.

Would you like the Sportstep, which is similar to a Bosu balance trainer?

(Sorry, perky gym playmates are not included. And no, that object in the lower left is NOT a complimentary super-sized botox injection.)

Or perhaps you'd like a sporty blue 56" aerobic mat?

(Ankle cuffs and boy-toy sold separately).


Or, here we go, maybe you'd prefer the pilates power ring?

So is anyone else (who is not a Pilates Person) totally mystified as to what the hell this thing is? It's too small for a hula hoop and too big for a nose ring and too hollow for a frisbee. I'm sure it's fun and all, but what on earth does it DO? Note: for bonus points (see rules below) you'll get a chance to tell me.

And sure, I could google and find out, or just ask the sponsor, but what fun would that be?

Now on to the Contest and the Rules. ATTENTION: they're a bit different this time, so you may want to actually read them. It'll only take a minute...

Photo by Whatknot

CONTEST RULES:

Alas, prizes can only be shipped to U.S. residents. But...

I'm thinking if you don't live in the U.S., you could still enter! Why would you do that? Well, if you won, you could designate that your prize go to a U.S. friend. You won't get the thingy itself, but you'll get a chance to be generous, which is fun too. If you don't have an "In Real Life" U.S. friend (and these are highly over-rated), perhaps you have a U.S. Blog Friend whose email address you know or could obtain off their blog? We can work it out that a prize goes to them instead. However, sorry, no imaginary friends. You'll just have to give them imaginary prizes.

This means, however, two different sets of instructions:

Instructions for US residents: Just leave a comment saying which Thingy you'd like if you won, and FOR AN EXTRA BONUS ENTRY, tell us what you think Crabby might do with a Pilates Ring--even if it's not your prize of choice.

Instructions for non-US residents: leave a comment and let us know that you don't live in the US but that you're playing for someone else. And likewise, for a second entry credit, get creative and tell Crabby just what she can do with that Pilates Ring!

After the entries are assigned either one number (regular entries) or two numbers (bonus pilates ring entries), our sophisticated Statistical Analysis Department will pick the winner--which will be announced Wednesday morning the 23rd. If you have won, Email us at Crabby McSlacker at gmail dot com. (No spaces). Please, you must claim your prize by midnight EST on Thursday the 24th or we give it away again. (And if you are International, please try to round up the email address, and even better, the mailing address and prize choice of your beneficiary ASAP after you discover you've won).

Thanks for playing (and for stopping by Cranky Fitness)!

UPDATE: The contest is closed now and we have a winner! But check back Friday for another giveaway.

Fanning the Flames at the Gym

[By Crabby]





As a grown-up, reasonably intelligent person, I do understand that everyone is different. When it comes to opinions and personal preferences, it's all subjective--there really is no real "right" or "wrong."

Is "big band jazz" a better kind of music than "death metal?" Is blue a prettier color than yellow? Is a big bowl of chocolate ice cream tastier than one containing ginger-lime sorbet?

It really isn't fair for me to say--though of course I have strong opinions on all three counts. You all may think differently and doesn't your opinion count just as much as mine?

So when I go to a theoretically air-conditioned gym on a hot day, and the cardio area is sweltering hot, and I realize that fan is set on low and so ask in a general way if anyone minds if I turn it up, and then a woman scowls and says:

"Oh god, please don't, I HATE the fan more than anything,"

despite the fact that everyone else is nodding, yes, please, please, please turn the fan up, we're dying here...

well, then isn't that woman an obnoxious, selfish, crazy-assed, crankpot entitled to her own opinion?

Well, no, she's not. Because her opinion is WRONG.

Areas in which cardio machines are placed should not be hot. They should be cool.

I was also baffled as to why someone who hated the idea of even a smidgen of cool air touching her skin would go to the gym wearing only a skimpy tank top and shorts. I would hereby like to recommend that people who go to air-conditioned gyms but prefer to work out in very warm temperatures BRING A SWEATSHIRT. Or a snowsuit. All of us who were sweating away had done all we could, clothing-wise. There was nothing more we could remove without risking arrest.

Of course I totally sympathize with the people who are trying to do yoga or other forms of stretching in a room set at meat-locker temperatures. It sucks that gyms aren't better at temperature regulation. (But at least it gives you yoga folks an excuse to purchase more of that hip yoga-wear that looks almost like something you could wear to a party, right?)

I have to confess that this is a constant complaint of mine--I often find the cardio areas of most workout facilities are too warm. And yet do I say to myself "gosh, Crabby, if you keep running into this, do you think you must run a little hotter than normal when you exercise?"

No! I say that the gyms and all the other people who are quite happy there are WRONG.

I'm such a grown up.

(Note: I tried to find some actual scientific research to say: "Gyms should be kept at cooler temperatures not just because Crabby likes it that way, but because it's actually better for you!" I could swear I read that unless you're specifically training for hot-weather exercise, that you're not getting "more" out of your workout by being hot and miserable. But alas, after spending a few minutes on google exhaustive research I couldn't find much one way or the other on optimal gym temperatures.

The best I could do was an article citing the guy who invented SuperSlow exercise, saying he discovered when doing his research that people performed best when it was about 61 degrees.

But then I read further in the same article about optimal workout conditions, and decided it might not be the most impressive reference source. Other "helpful" observations: "Nothing is more distracting than an attractive member of the opposite sex wrapped tightly in spandex, and nothing is more repulsive than an unattractive person in that sort of get-up." Thus, when choosing a Fitness Instructor: "Dress slacks and a long sleeve shirt are the minimum you should expect. Ideally, male instructors should wear a tie."

So, um, so much for the research.)

Does anyone have an opinion about optimal workout temperature or the subjective nature of human experience or the evils of scantily clad fitness instructors?

And the Gym Membership Goes To...

Congratulations Zoe, it's yours!

Please email Crabby at crabby mcslacker @ gmail .com (all one word) with your mailing address and we'll have the 24 hour fitness people send you your 90 day gift certificate.

And if it turns out there's anything funky about it, please let us know. We will use our considerable imaginary power and influence to publicize this fact to the entire blogosphere our 12 readers. (We don't want to be giving out prizes that are a pain in the ass). But assuming it's good for what they told us it was and they don't harass you excessively to continue after it expires... have fun at the gym this summer!

24 Hour Fitness Membership Giveaway

This one is pretty cool, because it appears to be a no-strings-attached gift certificate for 90 days at a 24-Hour Fitness gym.

If there turn out to be Secret Strings? Let us know! We don't want to be giving away Stringy Things. But the offer looks very legitimate.

As Far as We Know, This String is NOT Attached.

But what if there's no 24-Hour Fitness near you? Well, this baby is transferable. If you have a needy friend or relative who lives near a 24-Hour fitness, you could look like a Hero.

And suppose you're already a 24-Hour Fitness member? You can still enter. They'd prefer a newbie won, but I asked and technically you can be an existing member and extend your membership 90 days. So let your conscience be your guide--we won't ask if you're already a member.

One caveat: United States only, sorry.

OK, actually there's another caveat: Please don't claim the prize if you don't want the certificate yourself and can't think of anyone you know to give it to. This could be a very nice thing for someone so we don't want it to go to waste. It's summer; it's hot; a nice cool gym to work out in could mean the difference between keeping good habits going and sliding into sloth. If you win and decide you don't want it, let us know and we'll find someone else to use it.

So what do you need to do to win? Well, it's pretty easy.

Instructions:

1. Just leave a comment explaining why a 90 day free gym membership might be helpful to you. You can be sincere and convincing, or smart-assed and amusing, either is good. (Note: this is a not a huge blog, and we're doing this mostly over a sleepy summer weekend, so you're chances are pretty darn good.)

2. Be prepared to CHECK BACK AT CRANKY FITNESS THIS COMING WEDNESDAY the 18th.

3. We will pick a winner, probably at random. On the other hand, if you write a comment that totally cracks us up or that makes it obvious that you would really really appreciate the 3 month membership, we may try to figure out some way of giving you extra credit in the form of additional entries.

4. If you are the winner, email us at Crabby McSlacker @ gmail . com (all one word) within a day or so (lets say by midnight, Friday the 20th, East Coast time) to get further instructions. After that, we may assume you didn't want it that bad and give it to another finalist.

5. You can also go to www.12millionlives.com where 24 Fitness is looking for inspirational stories. If you don't win the 3 month membership, you can console yourself with a 7-day free pass (with inevitable "restrictions," so read the fine print).

5. And don't forget to check over at MizFit's site too, 'cause she's always giving cool stuff away.

Good luck!

Sneaky Tip for Strength Training

So our fit friend Jen got me reading the magazine Experience Life, and they had an interesting strength training tip that I thought I'd steal. It's called "Pausing for Power."

(Hey, it's Recipe Day, so I figured I could get away with something short and of special interest. Those of you who do not Strength Train can go make pasta!)

Anyway, when you are doing a set of yucky strength training exercises, you know how at the end you just physically can not do one more repetition? You tell your muscles "please, just one more!" and your muscles say "ha, ha, ha, sorry, no f*cking way?" This is generally how you know you've finished the set.

At this point, traditionally, you do one of two things. The first option: wait for your muscles to recover enough to do another set. (This can be a boring awkward waste of time unless you're good at multitasking). The second option, if you are lazy like me, is to say "that's over, thank God!" and move onto the next exercise.

Well, it turns out there's a sneaky Third Option:

You just pause and rest at the end of the set for few more seconds (5-10, usually, but up to 30 if necessary) until you can crank out just one more repetition. Then wait a few more seconds, and repeat again-- until you really can't do anymore.

This trick will allow you to either squeeze out more repetitions or use higher weights, and is apparently a good way to increase power and break through plateaus.

(There is supposedly some science behind this, but the source is a guy with a self-published book. He's probably very smart and all, but let's just say it's a "tip," not an authoritative study. The only way to know if it's any good is to see if it works for you.)

The technique works better for certain exercises than for others, and there are some general hints you'll want to find out about. So if you do want to try it, check out the article first.

Here's what I liked about this tip:

It's perfect for slackers like me who generally do only one set but occasionally feel the odd urge for a little bit of extra progress. This way, you're sort of skipping right to the "hard" repetitions at the end of another set, without having to do the whole other set.

It's a little early to tell if it's working for me--I think it is. And it does take a bit of experimentation to figure out how long to wait and which exercises you want to use it for. (Probably not best to use it all the time). But I'm having fun messing around with it. And at the very least, it's a good way to mix things up a bit.

So do any of you read stuff on blogs or in magazines and run out and try them? Any other good tips for strength training you've discovered that either make it more efficient or less loathsome?

Tortoises and Barbells

Or, Tips for Slackers on Keeping Up a Life-long Strength Training Program.

[By Crabby]

In the exercise world, let's say there are tortoises and there are hares.

The hares get insanely excited when they take up exercise, and they attack their challenging workouts with vigor and ambition. They enter races and break personal records and lift heavy weights and aspire to great things!

Fig. 2: Hares in their natural habitat.

Hares have high expectations and they work their (harey) butts off to achieve their goals... for a while. But sadly, many burn out or injure themselves within a few years. And after that? Well, exercise becomes something they "used to do."

The tortoises, on the other hand, are pleased with themselves for getting out the door and accomplishing anything at all. Even if it's a walk in the park or a few bent knee push-ups.

Figure 3: Migrating Adult Tortoises.

Yet these unambitious tortoises often keep exercising for year after year--ensuring themselves lifelong fitness, even if they may never break any records.

(Of course this is a dumb analogy, because there are couch spuds who never attempt anything at all, and there are tons of folks (the horsies?) who can sprint like the wind but also keep at it year after year. Many horsey-type overachievers actually read this blog, though God knows why. Anyway, it's easier to pretend there are just two kinds of people. Fables and blog posts work much better that way.)

It's my belief that over the long haul, it's better to be a tortoise than a hare. Those of you who came out as a Dan Dogged in Merry's exercise quiz may well agree with me.

I am particularly plodding and unambitious when it comes to strength training. I don't like it. I never have. I never will. But I know it's good for me, and I love the way I look and feel when I do it.

After a couple of false starts in my twenties, strength training finally stuck. It's been somewhere between 15 and 20 years now that I've been doing it, whining and bitching the entire time.

How could a Crabby Tortoise like me manage to keep it up for almost two decades?

(Thanks, TK for the image!)

Here are the things that have worked for me. Your mileage may vary, especially if you are not by nature a Tortoise:

1. Set laughably attainable goals.
After an initial year or so of respectable strength gains and even a bit of buffedness, I shifted my goal to this: attempt to maintain that level of strength every year until I croak. Now my fantasies (at least the ones I can print) may involve continued strength gains and looking like a female action hero from a Hollywood movie, but my goal is to just hang on to what I accomplished that first year.

Some things I actually do better now than I did then, but this is a bonus, not an expectation.

2. Aim for strength training three times a week--but admit that never happens and settle for two.
Or sometimes one. Or sometimes zero.

I don't freak out if vacations or injuries or a hectic schedule prevent me from staying on track for a few weeks. I just make myself drag my ass back to those weights. However, I do ratchet all the weights back a notch or two and work my way back slowly. Impatience, I've learned, just means hurting myself all over again.

Twice a week really does seem to be enough to hang on to the strength I have. For every layoff, there's usually an equal period of renewed dedication and thrice weekly sessions. Eventually, I always get back to baseline.

3. Avoid exercises I hate.
Sometimes, due to injury or lousy gym equipment options, I will have to incorporate an especially loathed exercise into my routine for a few months. Even if it's just one thing ("wall sits" are an example) I will start dreading my entire workout and start skipping out.

I've discovered that for me, it's better to quit doing one exercise than all of them. Eventually, I'll find a substitute. There is almost no yucky exercise that does not have a less yucky alternative, it just sometimes takes a while to find it.

4. Stick to One Set
I read some research a long time ago (which may be the study cited here) that said 3 sets doesn't help you much more than one does. Instead of adding more sets, just keep lifting heavier weights for better results.

Is it still true or has other research contradicted it? Guess what? I don't f*cking care! Three sets would make me three times as miserable working out. I have achieved the optimum level of miserableness already, thank you. Any more and I'd stop working out entirely.

There is one exception to the One Set rule however...

5. Have One "Fun" Goal

Since I mainly work on a maintenance program, I can get discouraged when I notice that I'm not ever actually getting better at anything. So sometimes I pick one or two things and put in some extra effort and make some progress! It's quite motivating. This may mean additional sets, though I usually then do a different variation of the exercise rather than the same damn thing over and over again.

Note: if I ever achieve an unassisted pull-up, I will certainly let you know.

6. Try new things... or not.
Variety is good, and I like to experiment with things I read about in magazines or on people's blogs. Particularly if they sound easy, or replace something I don't much like, or claim to prevent some injury I'm prone too.

On the other hand, I have certain exercises I almost like. Should I be trying different versions of them? Probably mixing it up would get me better results. But if I keep wanting to come back to my favorite way of doing it, then screw variety. I'd rather keep doing my favorite and hate my workout less.


What about you? Are you a tortoise or a hare or a spud or a horsie? What keeps you going year after year?

Losing Your "Cool"

[By Crabby]

I suppose I shouldn't admit this, but one of my favorite things about exercising (and there aren't that many) is the "coolness" factor.

Sure, we're supposed to just do it for our health and our sense of accomplishment or whatever. Because we're all far too secure and self-confident and evolved to care what other people think of us.

But for me, feeling cool and smug is one of the best parts of getting exercise! I know there must be others like me too, aren't there? We imagine that our sedentary friends who find out we go to the gym at 6am, or even complete strangers in cars who see us running uphill in pouring rain are thinking: wow, I could never make myself do that! (Instead they are more likely thinking "what a crazy freak," but that's irrelevant. We know we're cool).

(How Crabby Imagines Herself When She Exercises)

Imagined Coolness is part of what makes those intervals and sore muscles and early wake-up times worth it. Look at me! I'm exercising! Isn't that awesome! Don't I rock?

(Closer to How Crabby Actually Comes Across)

When Even Imagined Coolness is Impossible

Unfortunately, some exercise situations are NOT conducive to even an imagined sense of coolness. I'm sure everyone has their own list. Are there ever times when you feel particularly self-conscious about your workout?

I'd love to hear what your own personal Un-favorites are. In the meantime, here are mine:


Top Six Ways to Feel Uncool Exercising

1. Do Stupid-Looking Stretches Outside of a Class.

If you're in an actual yoga or other fitness class, with an instructor and a bunch of other helpless victims students, you can practically bend over and stick your head up your ass (if you are flexible) without feeling stupid. Because the instructor told you to stick your head up your ass, and so you're supposed to, and everyone else is doing it too!

However, what happens when you are not in class but instead are out on your own in the tiny stretching area in the corner of the gym? And all around you are burly weight lifters and snotty type-A executives on treadmills who have not themselves ever been to stick-your-head-up-your-ass class? Do you still go right ahead and do it?

One of my least least favorite stretches for public consumption is, I think, called the Cat Stretch. You get on all fours and curl your back up towards the ceiling (not too bad), but then you do the opposite and drop your stomach towards the floor and stick your rear end way up in the air like an animal in heat. Unfortunately, it is the second part of this stretch, the butt-in-the-breeze part, that I most need to do to loosen up my tight lower back muscles.

My other least favorite is the iliotibial band stretch, in which you cross your legs and do a side stretch. I look like a six year old child who desperately needs to pee. But if I don't cross my legs, I don't get much of a hip stretch.

See, Even Cute People Look a Bit Silly Doing This
(Photo: Dr. Pribut, provider of handy Sports Medicine tips).

Sometimes I close my eyes when I do these stretches so no one can see me.

2. Go Race Walking

I've written about race walking before, (twice) so I won't belabor it.

Let's just say I saw finally saw someone else besides me race-walking a few weeks ago. And my immediate gut-level uncensored reaction was: "what an asshole!" The guy was doing it much more gracefully than I ever do, too. But there seems to be no way to race-walk without looking simultaneously prissy and deranged, unless maybe you're doing it in an official race with a number on your chest.

3. Try New Things at the Gym

It's supposed to be good to try new things, right? And it's no problem if you have a personal trainer to introduce appropriate new exercises and show you how to do them.

But what if you're too cheap to hire one and prefer to read about new exercises on the internet that sound cool but you have no clue how to do them in real life?

I have too many examples of this to list them all... but here's one: not long ago I read a very persuasive article about the amazing benefits of running backwards on the treadmill.

It's, um... somewhat harder than it sounds.

4. Exercise Out of Context

You're standing on a platform waiting for a train or whatever. There are lots of people around, but plenty of space still available. You realize you could be making efficient use of this wasted time by doing the stretching you forgot to do for the last three days, or, if you're particularly willing to look like a jerk, knocking out some jumping jacks or push-ups.

Do you?

There are stealth moves, like pretending to tie your shoes to stretch out your hamstrings, but if you do it without bending your knees you still look kinda funny.

If you have a co-conspirator, I've discovered, you feel less doofy exercising out of context, but it's surprisingly hard to do alone, even if it's a perfectly logical thing to do.

5. Make Peculiar Clothing Choices

Hey, 10776-- Orange hat with a red shirt? Don't think so!

(Photo by Marganz)

Sometimes these fashion violations are not intentional. Ever realize that all your running clothes are in the laundry and too toxic for the "shake-it-out and pretend it's clean enough" recovery method?

Do you skip your workout? Or do you do it anyway, wearing something tattered and sweat-stained, or originally intended as a gag gift, or belonging to another person who may be a child or your 83 year old mother-in-law or someone 10 inches taller than you?

Note: it does not help you look like less of a weirdo to announce loudly to no one in particular that you don't normally dress like this.

6. Karaoke Syndrome

The only way to truly make aerobic exercise enjoyable, in my opinion, is to do it to the pounding beat of music on an mp3 player. I do NOT sing along when people are around (though I may sometimes be forced to mouth the lyrics silently to myself if the beat is too good).

But sometimes I find myself alone first thing in the morning, and the street or the trail or the track or whatever is deserted, and I think... what the hell.

How liberating to sing along with the rockin' beat! It makes aerobic exercise almost fun! Wheeee!

And so what if you're middle-aged, can't carry a tune, and will sing along to just about anything on your playlist? It's fun!

"You and me baby we ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..."

"Can't you hear the music pumpin' hard like I wish you would?
Now push it, push it reeeeeal good..."

Why is it that the more inappropriate the lyrics are, the more likely someone is to come bounding around a blind curve or pass you sneakily from behind?

Nothing like discovering your off-color warbling has been audible.


Does anyone else ever feel hopelessly Uncool during your workout?