Live Longer, Stay Sharper: Now, With Substance Abuse! Er. Use. I mean Use.

 image via artstack

By Crabby McSlacker

This post is a classic example of Selective Reporting: You see some headlines you like, so you skip merrily over the exhaustive research and analysis you should be doing in order to decide whether they're even valid. So much more fun to simply embrace the results!

Welcome to Cranky Fitness. Perhaps you mistook this for a scholarly health resource?

Anyway, in the spirit of "sounds good to me"... How about a couple of studies saying that (1) drinking impressively large amounts of coffee every day may increase longevity and (2) drinking alcohol moderately, or even heavily, as long as it's not "excessively," may boost your chances of living to a ripe old age without cognitive decline?

Again, we are just looking at a few studies and ignoring for now whatever research there may about the downsides of these practices. But it's only fair, right? People who don't want to booze it up, or consume bucketloads of coffee, can find plenty of ammunition, pretty much everywhere, to feel smug about their lifestyle choices.

But those of us who do like to alter our brains with various chemicals, whether because it makes us feel happier, or more alert, or more gregarious, or less likely to collapse into a paralyzing puddle of depression because somehow we've come to live in a country governed by a belligerent orangutan...  some of us might appreciate a little positive news for once.

The Bilingual Brain: Benefits and Befuddlement

Photo: wikimedia

By Crabby McSlacker

My latest folly: I'm trying to learn a new language. Spanish! Which among other uses, might come in handy for a pair of snowbirds always on the lookout for warmer climates to flee to during winters.

But I did not study Spanish in school, or in any other setting ever. I'm starting from absolute scratch. And yeah, I did spend many years in California, where Spanish is widely spoken. But my brain was completely impervious! None of it ever registered. Even the annoying ad campaign for Taco Bell didn't manage to teach me the meaning of "Yo Quiero Taco Bell." How could "Yo" mean "I" anyway? It should mean you for heaven's sake.

So I'm only a couple of months into it, and I'm well aware that the whole "maybe I could learn Spanish" thing is, in many ways, a stupid idea. It could so easily turn into just another temporary diversion I've taken up and then later abandoned when something else new and shiny comes along.

Plus: I'm 57. I'm already starting to struggle to find words in my first language. Every new Spanish word I try to memorize is just a brand new chance for my brain to say WTF? Where the hell do you think I'm going to put this?

And yet...

Wait a minute... it said DIET soda on the label

Okay, pop quiz time. Which of these terms does not belong in this list?

Red meat, fried food, diet soda, George Clooney

Original photo courtesy SanFranAnnie

Yes, you're right!

Turns out old George is not likely to give you metabolic syndrome issues.


According to the National Institute of Health the other three are.

Wait a minute.

Red meat and fried food I know are bad for me, but ... diet soda? Yep.

Maybe you all already knew this, but that was news to me. Not juice, not regular soda, but the diet stuff leads to an increased risk of metabolic syndrome.

Would the National Institute of Health lie? Yes, I know they're part of the government, but they're a pretty dull part so I'm going with "no." At least as far as this study is concerned. Diet soda was strongly associated with an increased risk for metabolic syndrome, although sweetened beverages such as juices and regular soda were not. According to the NIH, other recent studies have found links between diet soda and metabolic syndrome as well as weight gain.

The NIH considers that "findings in rodents suggest that artificial sweeteners may lead to increased intake because they may interfere with the body's ability to properly assess how many calories are in foods."

That goes against everything I thought I knew about satiety.
They always told me the stomach sends messages of "full" to the brain about 20 minutes after you really are full, so I thought satisfaction was caused by a feeling of fullness. Just drinking a ton of water should make you feel full, let alone a ton of water flavored with artificial sweeteners.

Why else does gastric bypass surgery work? I mean, people who have their stomach stapled feel full after two bean sprouts and a celery stalk, so they lose weight. Right?

Original graphic courtesy of willietling

I'm kinda freaked by the idea of the body having an internal calorie counter. Can't stop from picturing a little guy with a white coat and a clipboard, stationed somewhere near the entrance to the stomach and counting the calories as they come in to make sure they're the right sort.

Protein? Check.
Fat? Definite check.
Carbs? Okay, we're low. Send down another 4 g of carbs, stat!

Another study, which I gleaned from a classic post on The Great Fitness Experiment, is even worse. This study claims that artificial sweeteners make you gain weight because they alter your brain chemistry.

Ack! It might not be on a level with Einstein's, but I'd like to keep my brain and its chemistry set the way it was designed, thankyouverymuch.

When a study that I don't like comes along, I feel like putting my fingers in my ears and singing La, la, la -- only it would sound a lot better than that, in fact Simon Cowell would applaud when I stopped. (Or because I stopped.)

But when a bunch of studies come out and they all point in the same direction, there's only one possible conclusion I can come to. It's a government conspiracy.

Did you all know that diet soda was the spawn of Satan? Do you still drink it anyway or has the government shown you the error of your ways brainwashed you with its evil conspiracy?

TV, Internet, and Your Brain

So, confession time. I'm a Luddite.

No, Crabby, that's not a new religion! I mean I am reluctant to adopt a lot of the new technological 'advancements' out there. I'm so un-cool that I don't even have cable TV. I finally got around to configuring the digital converter so that I could get my local TV news fix in the morning.

Geez. I am not impressed. Even with an electronic antenna to amplify the signal, I am getting about half the channels on my 'fixed' TV that I was getting with the old analog signals. Bah humbug. I figure if war breaks out in my small town, someone will mention it to me.

more animals

Besides, watching TV is bad for you. People can watch TV while they work out, but they rarely do.

Watching TV lowers physical activity. Well, that seems fairly self-evident. Many people watch television while eating dinner or relaxing after work. The trouble is, once people start watching television, they're less likely to get up on the treadmill and start exercising while they watch. I'm still trying to find a study that conclusively proves that the gravitational field around a couch increases as a direct result of a person flopping down on the couch and picking up a remote. I've seen enough anecdotal evidence to make it clear that something happens.

Watching TV makes teenagers more likely to eat fast food. A study that followed about 2000 teenagers and concluded that "high-school kids who watched more than five hours of television per day had a lower intake of fruits, vegetables, whole grains and calcium-rich foods; and higher intakes of snack foods, fried foods, fast food, sugar-sweetened beverages, and trans fats five years later."


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To balance this out, I thought it would be fair to include a couple of studies showing how hanging out on the Internet can be bad for you too. I mean, you're sitting still in both cases. But apparently there is a severe lack of studies being undertaken on this subject.

There are studies showing that people can become addicted to the Internet. One researcher claims that up to "10% of all Internet users are afflicted with Internet Addiction Disorder." Hmph. Seems a bit high. Apparently people who cause or suffer from Empty Nest syndrome are more likely to be susceptible to this addiction, i.e. people in their teenage years or in their mid-50s.

Maybe sitting and looking at the computer screen isn't so bad, healthwise. If nothing else, the act of writing burns more calories than watching television does. A 120-pound person burns approximately 55 calories an hour just sitting and watching television. The same person would burn approximately 100 calories by sitting and typing. (Totally spurious Anecdotal evidence suggests that when typing comments on a Cranky Fitness blog, the average person burns 3,325 calories an hour.)

Besides, the Internet provides all kinds of useful information. Some people rely on sources like Daily Kos. Me, I rely on XKCD to tell me the real scoop.



If you had to choose between TV and the Internet, which would you choose?

Studies We Plan to Ignore

[By Crabby]


At Cranky Fitness, we generally prefer scientific studies over most other sources of health information. (Not that we don't appreciate late-night infomercials about the need to detoxify our feet, or suggestions from Annoying Bad Breath Neighbor Guy. (Leeches for migraines? Really?)

We especially love it when science tells us that our good healthy habits are paying off. Want to feel cheerful? There's a great round-up over at Mark's Daily Apple about the ways in which exercise and nutritious food choices are good for your brain.

However, while we believe in science, we have our issues with lots of research that goes on. So, we often bitch about these studies. Sometimes we even make up our own!

But mostly, if a study looks lame or it says something we don't want to hear, we just don't cover it. We're one small health blog in a huge blogosphere; we figure you can get your flawed conclusions or your bad news somewhere else.

Today though, for a change of pace, let's take a look at some recent studies and articles I was going to blow off because I didn't like what they said. But hey, changed my mind: they give me something to whine about!


More Things That Are Dirtier Than Your Toilet

The list of things that are dirtier than your toilet keeps growing. We've been told steering wheels, cell phones, and drinking fountains are all more germy and contaminated than toilets. And now, courtesy of Healthbolt comes a study scaring us with alarming news about how contaminated and dangerous and gross our kitchen sinks and sponges are. An environmental microbiology professor even said that according to his findings, "your post-flush toilet bowl is indeed cleaner than your kitchen sink."





But come on: you don't poop in your kitchen sink!

I don't care what the studies say, I refuse to believe that a cell phone or a kitchen sink is nastier than the toilet. If these benign-looking things I touch every day were really such a threat, why am I not good and dead now?

(And perhaps it was just a coincidence that the kitchen sink study was sponsored by Lysol?)


Thing You're Healthy? Weird Signs That You're at Risk

Prevention magazine recently published a compilation of several studies I'd been ignoring individually. The findings are intriguing, but depressing. A quick summary:

• A weak sense of smell (if you are older) suggests you're at 5 times the risk of getting Parkinsons.
• Women who have index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to get knee osteoarthritis. (They're also more likely to be gay).
• Women taller than 5' 2" are less likely to have a longevity gene that aids in reaching one's 100th birthday.
• Short women were more prone to having elevated enzymes indicative of liver disease.
• Women with short arms were more likely to develop Alzheimer's disease.

Weird, huh? But don't you kinda wish you hadn't read it?


When Doctors are Not Nice

We already know that doctors sometimes lie about giving you a placebo, or they make up insulting nicknames; but a new study also says doctors (or, in this case, medical residents) have also been known to laugh at you behind your back. A full seventeen percent confessed to having laughed at a patient. (More on this at Vitamin G).

Heh heh heh heh.

Is this supposed to be shocking? Actually, I'm shocked (and skeptical) that it's only 17%. Of course doctors laugh at their patients!

Gosh, next we'll find out that bank tellers sometimes laugh at their customers and cops sometimes laugh at crooks and ministers laugh at members of their congregations. You're not allowed to laugh, ever, at the nutty people you deal with in your job even when they're not there?

As long as the people I deal with are not laughing at me to my face, I'm cool.


It Doesn't Pay To Think Too Hard

Mary Anne in Kentucky sent me a link to this depressing study about eating and thinking a while ago, but then I procrastinated and Healthbolt beat me to it. Basically, it says that doing challenging mental tasks leads to greater calorie consumption than if you were just sitting around vegging out. And no, thinking hard doesn't burn any extra calories, even though it sure feels like it should.

Doesn't that suck? Let's all get off the internet and find something less fattening to do, shall we?



And finally:


Worship Celebrities, It's Good For Your Health!

I confess: I couldn't even make myself read this Time Magazine article on the mental health benefits of celebrity worship.

Enough. Someone else will just have to report back on how this could possibly be true. I have my limits!