And We're Back! Maybe?

photo: An-e

In response to the thousands... er, hundreds... or, ok three emails I received wondering where the hell Cranky Fitness had gone, I thought I'd attempt a brief update. This is also a test post to see if hitting "publish" will accomplish anything other than exercising my right index finger.

Crankified

Cranky Cat via Reb

By Crabby McSlacker

I thought it was time to bring a little Cranky back to Cranky Fitness.

Recently our pal Shelley at My Journey to Fit  posted a great grievance list, and I suspect you all may have some annoyances to report as well.

Studies have shown that griping is an exceptionally healthy behavior, boosting endorphins, lowering blood pressure, providing neuroprotective effects and clearing clogged nasal passages.

OK, so that last paragraph was a lie. But I still maintain that occasional bitching is therapeutic.

Note: some attempt has been made to keep these at least remotely related to health and fitness.

The Problem With Gratitude

Photo found here: Lack of Gratitude

By Crabby McSlacker

Seriously, a blog post dissing Gratitude? Have I gone completely bonkers?

It's hard to think of a more ridiculous target for complaint. Gratitude is pretty much universally acknowledged to be the most healthy, positive, healing, transformative, awesomest mental state we can possibly cultivate. Right?

Gratitude practice is a Thing now, backed by libraries full of gratitude research. Short of advocating that we step up our efforts to club more baby seals, or start tossing crippled old people out of their wheelchairs for sport, or convert all our national parks into nuclear testing sites, it's hard to imagine a less defensible position than one griping about gratitude.

But hell, I'm up for it!

On Hating Exercise: 5 Tips for Sucking it Up (Temporarily)

photo upload: digitalNC

By Crabby McSlacker

So I don't generally advocate doing any sort of exercise you hate.  In fact, I think the most important prerequisite for attaining a lifetime of smug, annoyingly energetic health and fitness is: find activities you don't absolutely loathe!

And yet.. sometime life throws a few curveballs. Maybe it's a new job, a change of residence, a nagging injury, or you find yourself raising small humans with schedules that don't accommodate your favorite exercise options.

What do you do when faced with a choice between doing some sort of godawful thing you hate in order to get your heart rate up, or not doing anything at all?

Grumpiness, Lumpiness, and Goal Support

photo: peter m

By Crabby McSlacker

Anyone else feeling a bit frustrated and thwarted these days?  Could you  use a pep-talk and some perspective, or is it just me?  When I wrote most of this post yesterday, I was in a majorly crappy mood and I probably shouldn't hit publish on this thing. We'll see if today is any better--too early to tell.

But I'm hoping that however you're doing, whether you're kickin' ass, getting your ass kicked, or are somewhere in between, that you might let us know what's up!

So anyway, what's the reason for this  extra whiny post?

The problem  is lumpiness.

Don't You Hate...

photo credit: James Vaughan

By Crabby McSlacker

So the title: "Don't you hate" is not an injunction to go around loving everything all the time. It's actually the beginning of a question, like "Don't you hate... creaky crappy machines at the gym that management never ever fixes even though you're paying them a fortune in membership dues?"

Let's bring some Crankiness back to Cranky Fitness, shall we?

Because while I've personally found that the annoying experts are actually right with the whole "try to look on the bright side of things" advice (and as a lifelong whiner and pessimist, I'm getting way better), I think there's a limit to how much we can bullshit ourselves. Sometimes things are unnecessarily aggravating, and especially if there's any Culpability and Blame to toss around, it can be helpful to wallow in self-righteous indignation for a moment or two in order to shake it off and move on.

I may even start an occasional Pissy Post sort of feature!  This would be nothing other than a few petty grievances of mine and a chance for anyone else who wants to gripe, moan, or rant about sundry annoyances of their own, large or small, to chime in in the comments. (But as regulars around here know, I often announce new blog features that never actually materialize.)

Anyway, what's Crabby hatin' on this week?

Crabby Gets Schooled

As regular readers may recall, I am now in the process of studying for the ACE Health Coach Certification which I will take in about week's time.  According to the Trans-Theoretical Model of Change (which they are very big on at ACE), I seem to be moving from Stage II: Slothful Procrastination, to Stage III, Freak Out and Realize it's Time to Get Your Ass in Gear.

So, rather than attempt to scrounge up breaking news about an important health and fitness topic, I decided it might be a good time to put the "Cranky" back into Cranky Fitness! So how 'bout I slop together a quick post bitching about test-related matters? Gosh, doesn't that sound fun!

Yeah, ok, may it doesn't.  But here we go anyway. Perhaps you guys have something to complain about too and we can all grumble and commiserate for a bit.

Because while I may be a firm believer in taking control of your mindset and adopting helpful thoughts and all... well sometimes you gotta get the tantrums out of the way first.

Runnin', Rockin', and Rantin' Double Giveaway

As Crabby and the Lobster prepare to jet off to Provincetown, is anyone up for a blog giveaway of two unrelated prizes, plus a product review and a foul-mouthed rant? 

Gots To Be Cranky

What if it were a pair of Koss Fit Series earbuds designed for women, and endorsed by Dara Torres?

Plus TWO spots in an awesome Up and Running online running course worth 49-99 pounds each? Which in American money is about 9 million dollars, if I'm correctly recalling the exchange rates from our visit to the UK last summer? Or, um, we could have perhaps been consuming a few too many pints.

Workout Work-Arounds

 Perhaps your reliable ol' gym just closed for construction.

Or maybe you fell down and broke your crown, or alligators and brain-eating amoebas have infested the swimming pool at the local Y, or your favorite Zumba teacher just converted to a religion in which ass-shaking is strictly prohibited.

What happens when you are forced to switch to an entirely new way of exercising? Some people quit, that's one option.  Others figure out a way to suck it up and forge on ahead.

Cranky Fitness regulars know that I've written this same "take lemons and make lemonade" post 90 bazillion times before. Whatever! When life stops with the lemonning, I'll shut up about the lemonade.

So what recent trauma inspired these latest musings on how to deal with messed up workout routines?

Sunscreen: Why Must You Suck So?

Well, some people like it.

So summer has begun, and as is traditional this time of year, medical experts put on their stern frowny faces and shake their fingers and very solemnly warn us: Wear Sunscreen! And don't forget to use buckets and buckets of it and reapply every ten minutes! If you don't you'll get cancer and die!

And the beauty experts chime in too: Wear sunscreen because even worse than dying of skin cancer, if you're a woman: you'll end up with a wrinkly face and no one will find you attractive anymore! You'll look OLD, the worst sin you can think of!

While at the same time, scary research studies circulate and advocacy groups tell us: Wait a minute, watch out! The weird chemicals they put in sunscreen makes carcinogenic and it will mess with your endocrine system and who knows what might happen if you give it a few years?

Oops.

Instead, they say, you should try some Natural Alternative that may not work very well and will turn you all chalky white and freakish-looking five minutes after you apply it.  That's been my experience so far.  But no worries, you probably won't be able to find any of our recommended brands in the grocery store anyway!

Sigh.

A few helpful links? And lots more gripes? Sure, why not!

Whining: New and Improved!

It wouldn’t be Cranky Fitness without whining, would it?

Five bucks? TOTALLY worth it!

Yet in my recent personal development quest (goal: transform from worrywart crankbucket into radiant beaming flower child filled with love and joy and all that crap) I’ve been trying to think a bit more positively.

Here's the dilemma: how can I work towards more joy and optimism in life while still indulging in a favorite habit (bitching), so that I still get to savor a little self-righteous indignation every now and then?

Well, I learned a handy trick from one of my many self-improvement books! (And no, not The Power of Going on Oprah Now; this is a bit too unenlightened and thinky for our pal Eckhard Tolle).

This tip is easy-peasy.  So care to watch Crabby use Whining 2.0 to handle any negativity surrounding the mostly awesome cross-country trek she just finished taking with her spouse and favorite traveling companion, the Lobster?

The Trick to "Positive" Whining:

This is one you probably already know, but just pretend along with me that it's a new idea, okay?

First go ahead and try to take a negative or ambiguous situation and reframe it as a positive one. (Oh goody! This 40 mile traffic jam will give me a great chance to catch up on 7 months of missed kegels!)

But if your inner bullshitometer goes off the charts and you realize you are SO not buying it, consider the next best alternative:

Go ahead and bitch, but be sure to end with a shiny positive thing. (You can always find something).

For example, instead of:


"We're staying at a hotel because our plumbing system backed up and our our house is full of raw sewage and we're totally devastated and who knows when we'll ever get our lives back..."

Try:

"Our plumbing system backed up and our house is filled with raw sewage, can you f--cking believe it?  But we're staying at a hotel and now we don't have to wash our sheets or vacuum or empty the trash or scrub the bathroom because the cleaning people do it all!"

Or, instead of:

"It was a great graduation party until uncle Bernie got drunk and barfed in the punchbowl."

Try:

 "Well, Bernie got drunk and barfed in the punchbowl, but it was a great graduation party!"

See the difference? Since our brains are so clueless, we tend to remember the last thing we told ourselves and feel more upbeat about the exact same situation.

As it happens, I don't need to do any fancy reverse-bitching technique to convince myself that we had an awesome time driving crosscountry in Fran the Van.   But there are always a few little nitpicks, right?

Like:

"Hey Planet Fitness in Elyria Ohio that charged us 20 f--cking dollars each for day passes (the cost of two months of membership) and then only had those sucky Life Fitness elliptical machines and not one of my beloved Precors and also had no soap in the showers... nice job on the bright colors!!!

Um, "no critics?"  Good luck with that.

(On the other hand, kudos to the Bozeman Montana Gold's gym which was luxuriously well-equipped, had reasonably priced day passes, and was stocked full of the most buffed fitness freaks I've ever run across, many of whom were actually friendly. And how cute is Bozeman?!?)

Or another example: too bad my crappy photography skills meant I missed pictures of a fox, a moose, a buffalo, a ton of beautiful birds, and even the bizarre appearance of a mink crossing a busy urban street in Seattle...but hooray, I caught one of the nineteen million prairie dogs in Theodore Roosevelt National Park in North Dakota!

And yes, it was standing up in a much more adorable pose until I got the camera out.

OK, so now I'm having to stretch a bit as there weren't a lot of legitimate whining opportunities to exploit...

Too bad about that state campground outside of Coueur D'Alene that was supposed to be open wasn't, damnit! But instead we ended up staying right on a river in a different campground in which we were the only campers there and had a lovely time.

The Lobster and Fran the Van down by the riverside.

And now I have to abandon all pretense of feeling the least bit cranky about our trip. We had lovely weather the whole way and loads of fun. Some random pictures follow which should really be posted on my personal Facebook page instead of here, but every time I try they end up upside down or something. I have some sort of weird Facebook Incompetency Syndrome for which there is apparently no cure... um, but think of all the time I save not posting there!

Toodling around in Seattle...

I'm the brawn, she's the brains--works out perfectly.

We saw lots of cute old mining towns, which we were too lazy to try to photograph, but the Lobster couldn't resist this sign:

And blah blah blah more frolicking along the way...

Until we arrived in Provincetown Massachusetts with tons of dirty laundry, boxes to unpack, stacks of mail to sort, accumulated dust and leaves and weeds to clear out, furniture to haul from the basement and shed, overflowing email boxes and other miscellaneous items that needed attention...

This lovely specimen had a grand old time in the back of our cupboard while we were gone.

...but it's GREAT to be back!!!

Missed you guys, since obviously my efforts to stay in touch with the online world were a total FAIL. But can't wait to get caught up with what you've all been up to!

Any thoughts on reverse-whining, or interesting stuff that happened while I was gone, or just wanna say hi?


Whining sign photo credit: Russell Reno
Planet Fitness shot stolen from the Planet Fitness people, please don't sue me!

Thoughts on Turning 50... Besides: Holy Crap, How the Hell Did That Happen?

Photo credit

So this is the post that's supposed to go something like: "Oh gosh, I'm hitting a major milestone birthday today and... I'm just thrilled to pieces! I'm not growing older, I'm growing BETTER! And now readers, hold onto your hats: I'll reveal some surprising secrets to enjoying a deliriously happy middle age!"

That's what most health and fitness writers would do, right? Everyone else in this game seems to age gracefully and cheerfully. It's supposed to come with the territory: not only should a health blogger be physically healthy, but she should have frequent life-changing epiphanies and accumulate valuable wisdom. Looking deep within to find profound spiritual meaning in everyday moments, she accepts with gratefulness the inevitable life transitions, opening her heart fully to greet the wonder of each new day.

Yeah, well, screw that.

Like it or not, I'm turning 50, and I find my skeptical, introverted, semi-neurotic personality still pretty much intact. Which I'm fine with--but it means I'm probably not the best person to give others advice on handling this transition. So instead I'll just share some personal observations about what sucks for me and what doesn't suck so much about turning 50.


Things I Hate About Turning 50 And/Or Becoming Middle Aged

1. It came way too fast

Such a cliche, right? But I swear I just turned 30 about 2 years ago. Which means in another 4 years: poof! I'll be 90.

So hey, smarty-pants scientists, could you folks get on this? Surely there must be some practical application for your string theories and strange attractors and black holes and quarks and whatnot. Let's spend a little less time developing apocalyptic video games and surprising new flavors of vitamin water, and a little more time figuring out how to slow time the fuck down, okay?

2. Wait, whose face is that in the mirror?

Has this ever happened to you? You're out having a fun evening with friends, laughing and feeling all social and happy and carefree. Then you go to use the restroom, and as you finish washing your hands, you innocently look up in the mirror just to make sure you haven't got visible vegetable matter stuck in your teeth or a tomato sauce rorschach blot displayed on the front your blouse. But what's this? The lighting is coming from some weird, wrong direction, casting creepy shadows that reveal the reflection of a hundred year old woman with your hairstyle and clothing.

Hello? Who is that woman? Oh wait, that's YOU! Not the fresh-faced 30-year old version of you that lives only in your head and your old photo albums. No, it's the real you complete with crows feet, frown lines, jowls, and those oh-so-special "marionette" lines. Sigh.

I'm afraid my customary facial anti-aging techniques are no match against the steady march of time. They consist of: (1) wishing I hadn't spent my youth in the sun; (2) cursing my genetic predisposition to premature wrinkles; (3) wearing extra sunscreen now to retroactively undo the damage despite knowing it doesn't work that way; (4) thinking someday I should actually purchase and learn how to apply make-up like most female humans but never actually getting around to it because department store cosmetic saleswomen scare me; and (4) avoiding mirrors except for ones with extremely flattering light.

Many signs of aging you can fight with exercise, but despite some weird infomercials I've seen, I don't think wrinkles are one of 'em.

Scientists? Um, if it's gonna take too long to figure out how to slow time down, could you at least give us a pill that eliminates wrinkles? Even at 50 I'm way too immature to simply not give a crap that I look 10 years older than I am.

3. The whole ticking clock issue
Those of you who do the religion thing and believe there's a happy heavenly eternal afterlife where you get to be reunited with anyone you've ever loved? You probably don't have a huge problem with the whole limited-time-on-earth concept. The same for those of you who expect to be reincarnated. And those of you who don't think there's an afterlife but find the awareness of your impending mortality to be a life-affirming inspiration to enjoy every moment? Good for you!

Me? Knowing that 50 is more than halfway to Dead just creeps me the hell out.


4. Oh Yeah, and My Memory is Crap

As I may have mentioned before about a thousand times.


Things About Turning 50/ Middle Age I Have Mixed Feelings About:

1. Gray Hair

The strands of silver (or ok, white) that are appearing with increasing frequency serve to remind me that I'm not young anymore. That part I don't like at all.

But I've always had dark brown hair, and it would have looked fake and ridiculous had I tried to highlight it with anything other than slightly-less-dark brown hair. So for me, having little flecks and streaks of another color in my hair is kinda fun! Even if it's the color most often associated with using walkers and wearing Depends.

2. The "Change of Life"
I'm having my first hot flashes, and strangely enough, I'm kinda happy about that. I know, check back with me in a few months when I'm complaining mightily, but for right now, I'm kinda ready to get this whole "menopause" show on the road. I'm reaching the part of peri-menopause where some women (lucky us) are blessed with epic menstrual cycles of the "I can't stray more than 5 minutes away from a restroom or it will look like a Sam Peckinpah film in here" variety. I equate the start of hot flashes with, I hope, the beginning of the end of Periods from Hell.

3. Wear-and-Tear Injuries

Yeah, my knees, my feet, my back, yada yada yada. I hate when I can't do my most favorite sort of workout. It seems to happen a little more often now that I'm older, though I've had knee issues off and on since I was 17.

But here's the thing: I always find something I can do when injured, and after I've recovered, I'm really glad to have learned some new tricks. I'm too stubborn and lazy to change up my routines unless I absolutely have to. I figure occasional messed up knees and feet and back muscles are nature's way of saying "Take your head out of your ass and do something DIFFERENT, Crabby!"

Things That Actually Kinda Rock About Turning 50:

1. I feel great.

Seriously, I have more energy, more muscle strength, less anxiety, a stronger immune system, and less trouble maintaining a healthy weight than I ever had before. I sleep great, never get sick, have a ton of fun, a great marriage, awesome friends, and I'm pretty darn content with my life. (Now watch, I'll head into menopause and it will all go straight down the toilet--but for now at least, all is good). As a young adult looking ahead, it never would have occurred to me that being 50 could feel this good. So, dear young people: you know all that cheerleady crap you hear about how you should eat right and get exercise and plenty of sleep and not smoke or abuse drugs and how you should nurture your close relationships and be financially responsible, etc., etc. etc? It's annoying as hell to listen too--but weirdly enough, it's true. You'll thank yourself later.

2. "Wisdom" may be putting it too strongly, but...

There are lots of things you get smarter about as you get older. In fact, there's a book I've been meaning to read, "The Secret Life of the Grown-up Brain: The Surprising Talents of the Middle-Aged Mind," but, um, I keep forgetting to see if the library has it in yet.

Apparently memory isn't one of those surprising middle-aged talents.

But anyway, it does seem like what we lose in processing speed and recall, we gain in general smarts. At least, when I think back to some of the dumb-ass things I did as a young adult, I hope I'm getting smarter.

3. The Road Ahead Looks Less Crappy Than I Would Have Thought

So the major drawback to hitting my fifties seems to be the idea that I'm in my 50's--and the assumption that life will soon start to accelerate in a downhill direction. And yet, I hang out with folks in their 50's, 60's, and 70's who are still kicking ass and having a blast. (True, those I know in their 80's and 90's are slowing down a bit, but many are still hanging in there with pretty reasonable quality of life). And every day I seem to read about some promising new study or medical intervention or anti-aging strategy. So perhaps it's not inevitable that my body is going to disintegrate in to a rickety, malfunctioning, toxic pile of bitter complaints anytime in the near future. (And if I'm wrong, please stay tuned for my new blog, "Really, Really, REALLY Cranky Fitness.")

Anyone else facing a Big Birthday or life transition? Any helpful advice?

The Care and Feeding of Your Inner Crab

There are a hundreds of health and fitness bloggers out there who can offer excellent tips for improving your diet, getting in great shape, staying cheerful in the face of adversity, achieving your most cherished goals, and just generally approaching life with an energetic, positive attitude.

Obviously, that's never been my forté.

I don't think everyone is naturally cheerful, or easily motivated. On the other hand, plenty of grumpy, unenthusiastic, and downright lazy folks like myself have discovered the amazing benefits of good nutrition and vigorous exercise. We can commit to healthy living, and we do it. We may even enjoy certain aspects of it. But often we grumble. Healthy living can be a huge a pain in the ass.

But please don't pity us foot-dragging, cautious cynics. It's my contention that a certain amount of cranky skepticism when approaching health and fitness is not necessarily a bad thing.

Ever notice how many cheerful optimists announce plans to go completely raw-food vegan, or run a marathon, or lose 50 lbs--and then they just as cheerfully abandon these plans a month later to take up scrapbooking or tend to virtual livestock on FarmVille? They never expected that lifestyle changes would be such a hassle! Meanwhile, grumpier folks might complain about missing our cheeseburgers or Krispy Kremes or setting our alarms at 5 a.m. to work out--yet decades later, here we are, still doing our whiny best to tackle this whole "healthy living" thing. It never occurred to us that it would be easy.

So as the good ship Cranky Fitness sails off into the sunset (this is our last week of regular posting, though the blog will remain open for occasional updates) I'd like to offer some advice on Crabbiness. We all have an Inner Crab; but unlike the Inner Child movement, few people have advocated letting the poor Inner Crab out.

Well, phooey to that! There good times and bad times to be a Crab. A few ideas:

When to Exercise Your Inner Crab

1. Evaluating Sales Pitches

Image: indiamos

Optimistic types are much more likely to believe claims like "Read this book and lose 20 pounds in two weeks!" or "tone your entire body with one simple exercise!" or "try this cucumber-cactus needle 30 day cleanse and feel like a million!" Just because you want something to be true, does not make it so. Wishful thinking is a natural human tendency, and if someone can make a buck off yours, they will. So before you part with hard-earned money, listen to your Inner Crab and accentuate the negative. Don't believe what advertisements say until you've done some independent research.


2. Time-consuming and/or dangerous endeavors

Let's say your best friend's lifelong dream is an ascent up Mount Everest--and she wonders if you'd like to come along. Do you picture yourself at the top, admiring the view and posing for pictures, and figure the rest will just come naturally? Or do you envision frostbite, altitude sickness, avalanches, alienated family members, drained bank accounts, and extended periods of being freezing-ass cold and eating crappy food?

Well, the ability to imagine the downside of energy-sucking or risky pursuits, no matter how glamorous they sound, can be a huge advantage in setting meaningful priorities in life. Unless it's been your lifelong dream to climb the stupid mountain, in which case, what the hell, go for it.

3. Bullies

True, a crabby attitude won't help you if someone is threatening to give you a wedgie if you don't hand over your lunch money. But as an adult, bullying can be more subtle. Some folks feel threatened or inconvenienced by healthy habits, and might try to guilt you or otherwise manipulate you. Perhaps they want you to eat food you know isn't good for you, or skip your workout to go out barhopping, or to jump on the back of a motorcycle without a helmet.

You don't have to be a Crab to be assertive, but it helps. Sometimes non-crabby people are so optimistic about human nature they make excuses for assholes overly demanding companions, and become so easy-going they always put others first even when the demands are unreasonable. If you know you're being bamboozled into bad behavior, maybe it's time to embrace your Inner Crab and say "screw it!"

4. Lame Temptations

It's one thing to indulge in a tempting pleasure that you've earned and that you know you will enjoy. But if you're faced with an indulgence you don't even really want all that much, and are just succumbing out of habit or weakness, then be crabby and pissed off about your stupid choice before you make it, not after. Be pessimistic and emphasize the negative; don't exaggerate the potential pleasure a guilty treat will give you. (And then celebrate your awesome self-discipline when you take the high road).

5. Setting Goals

Another good time not to be too optimistic: when you're committing to a new self-improvement endeavor and figuring out how much you'll expect of yourself. Many would disagree with me, but I think optimistic over-promising can lead to a sense of failure, when you're actually making positive changes! Let your inner Crab reign in your expectations just a little, so that there's more room to exceed your own expectations.


When to Cage the Crab

Even lifelong Crabs like myself know that there are times when pessimism and orneriness are not our friends. So proper Inner Crab training involves the frequent use of at least a leash and/or a muzzle.


1. Poor Performance and General Screwing Up

In any self-improvement endeavor, there will be times (LOTS and LOTS of times) when you won't measure up to your own expectations. This is normal and natural and it does not mean that all is lost or that you will never meet your goals. It means you need to stop beating yourself up, figure out a better strategy, and keep on doing your best.

So when you screw up and need to encourage yourself to get back on track? Put a muzzle on that grumpy crab and think positive thoughts! You really CAN recover from even the most monumental fuck-up as long as you don't give up entirely.


2. Injuries

If you are a lifelong exerciser, you WILL hurt yourself. And you will have to do things differently if you want to stay active. Whether these changes are major or minor, temporary or permanent, they pretty much always suck.

At first, go ahead and let your Inner Crab bitch and moan all it wants. Pretending all is well when it isn't may lead to that creepy "I'm lying to myself" feeling. But after a couple days, it doesn't help to dwell too much on what you're missing out on; that energy is better spent exploring new alternatives. You need to cross-train anyway, and injuries are sometimes life's little kick in the pants to get you to mix things up.


3. Food Frustration

Healthy food takes a while to get used to. If you've been eating lots of sugar, salt, unhealthy fats, and refined grains, then you're just not going to appreciate the joys of fresh produce and lean proteins and whole grains right away. This is perfectly natural; there's nothing wrong with you. You have two choices: either adjust gradually, or suffer through an ugly transition period. Either way, it's not a good time to get all pessimistic and think that healthy eating will always be torture. Because it won't. Your tastes will change with repeated exposure, I promise. The trick is to keep finding more stuff you actually like, so cutting out 90% of the crap that the rest of the world eats doesn't feel like such a hardship. But this process can take a while, and focusing on the good things you can eat instead of the evil yummy things you shouldn't is a much more effective approach.


4. Dealing With Cheerful Companions

The cranky, skeptical viewpoint that comes in so handy for us crabs in evaluating options and keeping us out of trouble can, weirdly enough, depress and alienate our more cheerful companions. They often don't appreciate our realistic caution, and tend to see it instead as Party Pooperism.

This does not mean that a natural Crab has to be fake cheerful all the time. But it does help to be judicious with our crabbiness. For example, it's best to save skepticism for times when there are choices to be made and it is still possible to change the situation; after-the-fact "I knew this was a really stupid idea" type speeches are seldom well-received.

Anyone else have advice on harnessing your Inner Crab? Or are you all cheerful optimists just peeking in to see how the other half lives?

Whole Grains: What's the Problem, People?

Photo: voyageAnatolia.blogspot.com

I'm old enough to remember when "brown bread" was something exotic and vaguely threatening that only the hippie family down the street was brave enough to eat. As a kid, I assumed there was only one "normal" kind of flour: white. Same thing with rice. And the only variety we got as far as grains were bowls of Cheerios, Cornflakes, or Raisin Bran. But most often, we got our grains in the form of Wonderbread, Oreos, and Poptarts.

Fast-forward a few decades: scientists have learned a lot more about nutrition, and we've all been urged a few hundred thousand times to eat more whole grains because they are so damn good for us. Like many of you, I got with the program. Now I try to save refined grains for treats, not fill up on them as a staple.

So why are most people in this country still eating like I did as a third-grader back in 1968? And an even more important question: Why are the desires of all these ignorant third-graders still controlling what the rest of us can get at restaurants and grocery stores?

OK, so those aren't really questions--they're complaints. I don't actually care why a huge majority of the population keeps shunning whole grains. Probably because it takes a lot less effort to eat familiar white fluffy foods than to acquire a taste for healthier, earthier fare. And I know perfectly well why the preferences of the unhealthy masses dominate the food and restaurant industry: Welcome to capitalism, Crabby! It's also the reason we have Big Macs, Barbie Dolls, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey.

But I'm not sure what's worse: the general unavailability of whole grain options (unless you want to make things from scratch all the time, ick) or all the Fake-Healthy Not Really Whole Grain products out there. Most people are fine with these choices, because they are not equipped with enough grouchy skepticism to read a food label and then curse the lying sonsabitches who are trying to fake everyone out. Normal people just find a product they like that says "multi-grain" or "now made with whole grain," and they say to themselves: Awesome, I'm all set!

Of course these folks don't realize that a healthy-sounding ingredient like "organic wheat flour" still means "white flour," and that the crap they're eating is 98% refined flour and sugar, with maybe a pinch of bran or a single rolled oat thrown in there somewhere.

And if people want to eat mostly white flour and a few of these fake options too, knock yourselves out! But it would be nice if there were more options for us stubborn whole grain folks too. I'd love to have brown rice available at a Thai restaurant, or the option of a real whole grain roll at a bakery, or more choices at the supermarket when it comes to breads, pastas, crackers, etc. (And Whole Foods? You guys are the worst when it comes to your bakery. Where the hell is the healthy stuff? Last time I looked, it was virtually all desserts packed with refined flour, butter, and sugar. What's so "whole" about that?)

So Why Are Whole Grains a Healthier Choice?

According to the "world's healthiest food" people, there are a ton of great reasons to eat whole grains. (Note: These folks tend to be an optimistic bunch, but they do at least cite a bunch of studies).

Some of the research they've pulled together suggests that eating whole wheat or other whole grains can help with: weight management, metabolic syndrome, diabetes, inflammatory conditions, gallstones, gastrointestinal issues, heart disease, childhood asthma, breast cancer, dropsy, plague, possession by the devil, and vapors. (OK, so I was just messing with you on those last four. Well... who knows? Anyone driven out the devil with a bowl of oatmeal lately?)

But Some Folks Refrain from the Grain

Even if it's a whole grain and not refined one, there are some people who would just as soon give it a miss. If you have celiac disease, for instance, and must go gluten-free, then that lovely blueberry bran muffin that I have my eye on is gonna be Very Bad News for you. There are serious health consequences for people with this condition if they eat wheat, rye, barley, or anything contaminated with gluten. However, there are apparently some good gluten-free whole grain alternatives, like brown rice, wild rice, amaranth, millet, buckwheat, sorghum, quinoa, and even popcorn. (Oats don't naturally contain gluten, but they can be tricky because there's a high risk of contamination).

There are other folks besides celiacs who don't think grains are a great idea, whole or not. Some low-carbers avoid them as much as possible, and Primal folks like Mark at Mark's Daily Apple argue that we'd be better off ditching grains entirely. But most mainstream nutrition experts have a different message: ditch the refined grains; but it's ok to eat whole grains instead.

Looking for Convenient Whole Grain Products?

Good luck! Actually I'd love to hear your suggestions. I'm a terrible dietary example, because I haven't been nearly adventurous enough about exploring outside my familiar trinity of whole wheat, oats, and brown rice. On my to-do list: try quinoa, amaranth, buckwheat, and other more interesting choices. (But then I've been saying that for years).

Our bread-maker broke a few years ago, and I'm too lazy to make my own bread, so I either try to find a local bakery that that features a whole wheat bread (and then I worry that they're lying to me) or I scour the supermarket shelves for the healthiest looking brands and I carefully inspect the ingredients list. Alvarado Bakery seems like a good West Coast option; I'm a little more perplexed by East Coast brands. Anyone have some good suggestions?

I have a rice cooker, and love the fancy-pants brown & wild rice mixes, but often I don't think about rice until it's too close to dinner time. Fortunately, the microwaveable already-prepared brown rices have gotten a lot better--Trader Joe's has a couple of good options. (Note: if they have them, the frozen pouches beat the kind in a cup).

As to pasta, have you notice that the whole wheat kind doesn't suck anymore? At least not some of the better brands.  I tried it years ago, thought it tasted like boiled brown paper bags, and said no thanks.  But in the last year or so there seem to be more tasty whole grain options.

What about Cooking or Baking from Scratch?

Excellent idea, then you can use any kind of grain you want! So that's what organized, healthy, non-lazy people do and I totally recommend you do that. Someday, maybe I will too. Actually, on the rare occasions when I bake I use winter wheat, which tastes pretty close to white but is actually a whole grain. And Charlotte at The Great Fitness Experiment  alerted me to another white-tasting alternative, some sort of magic "ultragrain" flour that sounds intriguing. For a whole grain brownie recipe, Tracey's Culinary Adventures has a tempting one--though it's still got a boatload of butter and sugar so it's not exactly a health food.

And for a whole slew of healthy whole grain ideas, Kayln, who blogs at Kaylyn's Kitchen, did a series at Blogher on cooking with whole grains. There are posts on brown rice, quinoa, and bulgur featuring lots of recipes and leading to all kinds of awesume healthy cooking blogs.

[Note: this post is being edited and reposted in July of 2011 to test something technical with the blog. My apologies if any folks with feed readers get this accidentally and think it's a new post.  On the other hand, if you got this far without realizing it was old... how pissed off should you really be?
 
What do you folks do about the whole refined vs whole grains issue? Any good tips or suggestions?

Holiday Attitude Adjustment

It's a couple days before Christmas, and for those who celebrate it (or any other winter-time holiday), there's a lot of pressure right now to be feeling jolly. 'Tis the season, right?

Photo: Icanhascheezburger

I know for myself, there are lots of individual moments of peace and joy and happiness that occur on or around the holidays. I enjoy the traditional rituals and parties, the champagne and the cookies, and the good times with family and friends.

But somehow there's this expectation that for weeks and weeks we're supposed to be building up ever-increasing amounts of holiday cheer, until we reach an almost orgasmic burst of seasonal joy on a particular day, right around the time we exchange presents. To be followed, about a week later, by another burst of overwhelming ecstasy precisely calibrated to occur when the clock strikes midnight on Dec 31st.

The problem? I'm just not able to experience quite that much happiness on cue, all in a pre-determined time frame. Maybe I'd rather spread my happiness out all year 'round, and perhaps allow it to occur a little more spontaneously.

On the other hand, there is something about ritual gatherings that makes me want to at least try to be more upbeat than usual. Because who wants to be a Grinch, a Scrooge, or a Crab and put a damper on other people's festive season?

And so it occurred to me that to deal with the Forced Christmas Cheer issue, maybe I could use the same motivational system I just developed to deal with my new, involuntary cross-training regimen. Remember Cognitive Restructuring, Accentuating Positivity®?

I'm thinking maybe I should try to use the same C.R.A.P.® approach to better appreciate the holiday season!

So here's an attempt to forcibly replace each cranky holiday thought with more cheerful way of looking at things.

Holiday observation #1: I couldn't find the perfect gifts for everyone on my Christmas list. Some of them were already sold out, and unfortunately, some of them haven't even been invented yet. When are they ever gonna get around to making a cute little robot that makes coffee and brings it to you in the morning, anyway?

Oh wait, here it is. Didn't see it at Macy's though.

But on the bright side: If you're going to pick a year to come up short on gifts, this is a good one! With the sucky economy, everyone is trying to scale back on gifts. There's a lot more emphasis on the meaningful emotional stuff, like love and laughter and gratitude and togetherness, blah blah blah. So just pretend your inability to find and purchase appropriate gifts was on purpose, as a protest against the insidious commercialization of the holidays!

Holiday observation #2: I hate Christmas carols. Well, I do like a few of them--the really old, vaguely melancholy kind that sound grave and beautiful. Silly modern ones like Frosty the Snowman make me want to hurl. (And let's not even get started on "I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas," one of the most irritating holiday songs ever written).

But on the bright side: Harboring an intense and irrational dislike of Christmas carols is an effective way to stay out of malls and other retail spaces when they are the most crowded and unpleasant! There is no Christmas music online, you can shop there safely. Plus, unlike other annoying forms of noise pollution, Christmas carols have a time limit. Of course, it would be nice if the allowable period were more reasonable, like December 24th-25th. But at least sometime in January they usually stop. Jackhammers and car alarms, on the other hand, know no season.

Holiday observation #3: People who don't normally bake yummy cookies or fudge, or buy you See's candy, or otherwise tempt you with delicious concoctions made of butter and sugar, tend to do so during the holidays because they know you love these things and they want to be nice to you. This makes it hard to avoid consumption of said yummy things.

But on the bright side: You love treats! They make you extraordinarily happy. And there's nothing wrong with having a cookie or two, or a piece of candy, as long as you don't scarf them all up in a few days. Perhaps it's time to reacquaint yourself with the food-preserving properties of the refrigerator and freezer? These modern conveniences allow you to consume a little bit of your favorite treats over a long period of time.

Holiday observation #4: Many Christmas decorations are ugly and tacky. And, how come no one seems to care that red and green are clashing colors and look kinda lousy together?

But on the bright side: Some Christmas decorations are really quite lovely to look at.

Photo: Canadian Living, via Urban Debris Artlog

And anyway, who says tacky is a bad thing?

Peeing Santa photo: Huffington Post

So do any of you sometimes need to give yourself a pep-talk, or are the holidays pretty much all good?

(And if I don't pop in again before Christmas, have a wonderful holiday if you're celebrating it!)

Kitchen Gadgets and Appliances--Good or Evil?

Photo: Plan 59

So if I were a hard-working, knowledgeable, helpful health blogger, this post would be a pre-holiday round-up of great kitchen-related products. That way, you could find cool things to buy your loved ones, which, in turn, would encourage them to do more healthy home-cooking and less scarfing up big-ass buckets of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

But that would require a lot of thought and research! And I'm afraid I'm all tired out from reading 70,000 tweets a day and catching up on past episodes of Glee baking whole grain cookies and hand-crafting unique holiday gifts from recycled natural materials.

So instead, I thought I'd offer some opinions and observations about kitchen items. Because doesn't it seem like for every practical, time-saving, well-engineered tool or appliance in the kitchen, there's another silly, frustrating, or just plain evil one taking up valuable space? Whether you get them as gifts or accidentally purchase them, it can take a while before you can justify tossing them in the garbage or the Goodwill pile. Meanwhile, you've got to maneuver around them or figure out a way to use them anyway despite their impracticality.

Finally figured out a use for that Dial-o-Matic Slicer!

(Photo: The_bosshog)

And some of the most practical items you own may have annoying features that drive you crazy. Anyone else have opinions about kitchen stuff and how it works, or is it just me?

Things I hate:

1. Microwave ovens that keep nagging you when your food is done.

Regular ovens, which will actually burn your food if you don't remember to rescue it when it's done, do not default to a mode that beeps loudly at you to remind you to take things out. You have to set a timer if you want it to yell at you. So why do microwave ovens, which shut off automatically and will not hurt food left sitting inside it, have such a freakin' complex about hanging out for a minute or two with food left in there? What's the problem, microwave? Why do you give a damn if my plate of leftovers sits innocently behind your glass door for a couple of minutes while I get myself a beverage?

Plus, if you're busy with other things, the stupid microwave will keep on beeping periodically to make sure you don't completely forget to eat the food you've just heated. Does this happen to other people a lot? For me: taking out the recycling on a Sunday night--that's something I might forget to do. But remembering to eat a meal I just finished heating? Um, not a big problem!

And of course the most infuriating thing is that many cheaper microwaves (including the one we own) will not allow you to mute the stupid beeping or even turn down the volume. Great for early risers like me who want to heat things up while others are sleeping! Beep beep beep beeeeep!

2. Blenders that Won't Blend. Or Pour.

I never used to have an opinion about blenders until I became addicted to morning smoothies. But now I've discovered that not all blenders are created equal. (Equally? Damn, now both ways sounds wrong).

So anyway, which one of these two blenders would you guess works better: the shiny industrial-looking Cuisinart we bought my mother-in-law for Christmas a year ago?



Or the vintage Sears "solid state Insta-Blend" model that we are using while we're housesitting at a friends house?



Given the design elements, like the fonts, colors, and the fake woodgrain stick-on label (click on the picture to enlarge, if you care) we're thinking this thing is probably not a recent model. But heck, it's Sears--never known for its cutting-edge aesthetics.

And yes, as you've probably guessed: the homely and probably ancient Sears Insta-Blend kicked the hoity-toity Cuisinart's gleaming silver ass.

The Cuisinart can barely blend an overripe banana. Throw anything frozen in there? It freaks out and shrieks like a two year old having a tantrum. It makes these horrible "I can't take this much longer" sounds, like I've thrown a few screwdrivers and wrenches in there for kicks along with the spinach and mango chunks. Plus, when it does manage to finally chop up something up down at the bottom of the container? It figures its job is done. It's not interested in anything that happens more than an inch above the blades. So it doesn't create that efficient swirly blender-vortex that normally pulls stuff from the top of the container down into the grindy part. This thing just sits there grinding up the same couple inches of liquid until you either stop and stir, or throw the whole damn thing out the window.

Oh, and check out the Cuisinarts' non-functional spout! The pouring end is flat except for a miniscule decorative doohickey that serves to split the flow of smoothie into two streams, neither of which directs the liquid where you're trying to pour it.



In contrast, the vintage Sears Insta-Blend comes in a practical shape for pouring:


Even better? When you throw a bunch of food into it, fresh or frozen? The Insta-Blend actually blends all the items together! Amazing.

Sticky Non-Stick Pans

Even if you manage to buy a brand that's non-toxic, it sure seems like the "non-stick" feature has been oversold. Sure, stuff doesn't stick for a while, but after a few years? Seems like the non-stick cookware is just as clingy as the other stuff.

Fancy Food Processors

This is my own particular neurosis, because I know other people use these and love them and I'm just too lazy to learn to use one properly. The Lobster drags ours out every now and then, and she swears it saves all kinds of time. But (1) the sharp blades scare me; (2) it seems to take forever to gather everything up, pre-slice things so they fit in there and clean up later without accidentally amputating a digit; and (3) whatever blade I've used makes the onions so wet and mushy they taste boiled even if you saute them. (Choose another blade? That would require thought, experimentation and more cleaning!)

I'm sure most of you love your food processors but tend to opt for knife or blender.

Evil Plastics Everywhere!

So a while back I wrote about the possible dangers of endocrine-disrupting BPA's and other toxic substances found food containers and kitchenware. And as a result, I've started using more glass and ceramics, and avoiding certain canned goods and plastic containers. But holy cow, once you start looking around the kitchen... plastic is everywhere! What about the coffee maker that's had hot liquid running through it for years now? The old tupperware? The plastic mixing bowls? And so much of the food straight from the grocery store comes in some sort of container that now seems suspect. I try to remember which of the little recycling numbers are good and which mean trouble, but lots of our old kitchenware doesn't have numbers on it. Yikes!


So enough complaining for now.

Some Kitchen Things I Love:


My Big Ass Coffee Cup:


Yeah, I know, portion control theory advocates small containers, but we're talking COFFEE here. And I happen to take mine with a ton of heated nonfat milk. A friend of mine used to work at a certain ubiquitous coffee franchise, and brought me several of these giganto 20 ounce mugs which I treasure, even as I feel slightly embarrassed for advertising a big corporate chain I don't tend to patronize myself. But now they don't even make these mugs anymore! Just a smaller version. I even take one with me when I travel, because I'm freakishly attached to my morning coffee ritual. Breaking it up into several tiny mugs just won't do.

A Good Garlic Press

Garlic presses, like potato peelers, cheese graters, and pizza-cutters, are the sort of item that can be incredibly useful or not depending on how well-made they are. Many brands of these things do not work all that well, so when you find a good one, you can become very passionate about it. I had a couple of crappy garlic presses before my current one that wouldn't smush the garlic reliably unless I peeled the clove first, but this one mashes on through the peel like it's nothing. I heart you, garlic press!

Salad Spinner

I will try not to notice for the moment that the thing is plastic, and just hope it is a good kind of plastic. Because between toxic pesticide residue (non-organic) or gritty dirt and the occasional small slug (organic) you gotta wash your lettuce. I never think ahead, and I hate soggy salad! Plus, I love the whole pumping whirring ritual.

Toaster Oven

I love the way these take almost no time to preheat, and on summer days, don't turn the whole kitchen hot like a regular oven can. Also, the "bake" element and the "broil" element are both right there on either side of the food, so if I'm lazy I can sometimes skip flipping something over by first baking, then broiling.

The only thing toaster ovens don't do very well? Make toast. Go figure.

So I'm hoping some of you also have opinions about kitchen items? Any favorites? Any gadgets or features that try your patience?

Taking the "Cross" out of Cross-Training

(Steph spotted this and you can find more here.)

So last week I was griping about heel pain from a self-diagnosed case of plantar fasciitis. You all gave me TONS of great suggestions in the comments, as well as lots of sympathy and encouragement, and this is of course why I love Cranky Fitness readers so much.

As you may recall, I said that until my foot got better, I was going to stop running entirely, and even curtail my long walks. Instead, I planned to stick to the elliptical machine and start bicycling up some hills for cardio.

Long-time readers may have been very suspicious about that breezy declaration.

Because y'all know that anyone who hates change as much as Crabby McSlacker is not going to leap cheerfully into a whole new exercise routine. You had to figure there would be some serious whining and protesting coming along soon.

However, instead of merely complaining, I thought I'd try to make the best of it! I've been busy slaving away in the heavily-guarded inner sanctum of the Cranky Fitness Laboratories, developing my own soon-to-be-trademarked motivational system.

It's a plan especially designed for injury-induced cross-training situations. Because surely I can't be the only one who's been forced to switch to a new activity because I overdid my favorite? I figured others out there could use some help too.

(And yeah, ok, so it's only been a week or so and I haven't actually motivated myself to do much of anything yet. But if Kirstie Alley could start marketing her personally-designed weight loss program before she actually lost any weight, it seems perfectly legitimate for me to start selling people on my new motivational system before I know if it's actually gonna work.)

So, in the spirit of my Somewhat High Intensity Interval Training program, I'd like to officially announce a brand new Cranky Fitness motivational tool. It's called Cognitive Restructuring, Amplifying Positivity®!

Would you like to know more about how this C.R.A.P.® system works?

It starts with a simple idea, borrowed from just about every self-help paradigm you'll ever encounter: when something sucky happens, you gotta hunker down and find the positive aspects rather than abandoning your goals. But unlike most cheerful self-help advice to "turn that frown upside down," the C.R.A.P.® program allows you to be as pissed off and resentful as you like! Here's how it works.

Step One: Gripe!

With the innovative C.R.A.P.® approach, you don't have to pretend to be happy about the situation. Because injuries hurt, and change blows! Go ahead and allow all those negative, grouchy, disgruntled thoughts and feelings rise to the surface. Seriously, if this new cross-training activity was really so wonderful, you'd have already been doing it, right?

Step Two: Layer on the C.R.A.P®.

Yep, once you've fully aired your frustrations, now is the time to smear positive thoughts all over each and every one of them.

Many of your grievances will be specific to your new activity, and I'll provide a sample hypothetical below, but there are some general all-purpose Positive Perspectives suitable to slather on most injury-induced cross-training complaints.

1. You should be cross-training anyway, doofus.

You know it's true. There are a million studies and articles out there that advise you to cross-train. Yet most of us don't bother because it's easier to just keep doing what we like. So the injury could actually be a good thing if it doesn't last too long, but gets you motivated to start doing something different!

2. Things that seem awkward or hard when you start do not stay that way forever.

This may seem obvious, intellectually. But it's really easy to get that "frozen in time" perspective. If you go out and try something and you suck and it's miserable, it can be really hard to trust that you'll get better and maybe even start to enjoy it. It may be helpful, at this point, to recall the many steps it took to get good at your favorite activity. You did not emerge from the womb with the ability to run 5 miles at a good clip or turbo-kick your way through a 60 minute class. It took time and practice!

3. Learning to accommodate unpleasant changes and obnoxious compromises with some degree of grace is a valuable life skill you're gonna need.

Unless you're planning on never getting old. Or if you can guarantee nothing bad is ever going to happen to you. Good luck with that!

Gigi recently had a great post about resilience--and she points out that the ability to bounce back from adverse events is something you can learn. So, hey, might as well start practicing!

4. Variety keeps you motivated to keep exercising for the long haul.

New routines, new equipment, new setting, new rules, new goals--these things can all seem like intimidating barriers to trying a different activity. But once you get more comfortable, the novelty can pump new motivation into your routine. Otherwise, one day you will wake up and think about doing your favorite old activity and suddenly realize: "screw it, I don't want to do that anymore, ever!" The trick to staying fit for a lifetime is to develop alternatives to burnout before you become totally demotivated. And an injury-induced change of scene can actually keep things fresh.

Step Three: Repeat steps One and Two--Over and Over and Over again.

Because more complaints will inevitably arise, and you'll need to layer some C.R.A.P.® on your negative thoughts repeatedly until you actually brainwash yourself that the injury was a good thing. Or maybe you'll get better first, whatever. But you'll feel SO much better doing even a Lame Substitute exercise than you would by making your injury worse, or by sitting on your ass and feeling sorry for yourself.


Practical Example of C.R.A.P.® in action!

Let's just say, purely hypothetically, that a cranky health blogger has injured her foot and has had to switch from running at a favorite pretty reservoir to riding a 20 year-old borrowed 10-speed bike that is not in mint condition. Said blogger is discovering that biking and running are different activities.

Initial Observation #1: How the f#ck are you supposed to do consistent cardio on a bike? My legs aren't strong enough to pump fast enough on flat ground; I need hills. Uphill is hard and gets my heart rate up, but I can't do that for very long. Then when I go down hill, I'm just sitting there not moving at all! It was so much easier to go running; for me it's always aerobic!

Now apply some C.R.A.P.®: The need for 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted cardio for it to "count" is old school! Cardio is still cardio even if you're putting together several 10 minute series of aerobic hills separated by down hill rides. Stop being such a crank and just enjoy the downhill parts. Whee!!!

Initial Observation #2: The uphill gets my heartrate going all right, but OWWWW! My legs aren't that strong and they hurt and this sucks.

Apply more C.R.A.P.®: Well, duh. This will be a great way to build up your leg strength! Maybe, as a bribe, you can even skip some of those icky leg press exercises at the gym for a while.

Initial Observation #3: I can't listen to music like I can when I'm running. I NEED music to motivate me!

C.R.A.P.® to the rescue! Remember how you tried a spinning class once and liked the music but nearly died of leg-misery and swore you'd never come back? Well, if you bike up hills for a few months, you probably wouldn't find a spinning class nearly as miserable and then you can have music AND a change of pace from your normal cardio even once your foot gets better.

Initial Observation #4: It's freezing-ass cold going downhill and too hot going uphill! When I'm running it's easier to layer for the weather.

Try some more C.R.A.P.®: Taking off layers of clothing is a great excuse to stop on a steep hill when your legs are about to give out. Pretend you're only stopping because you're hot, not because you're about to fall over.

Initial Observation #5 It's at least a 20 year old bike and it's not mine! The gear-shirt lever is in the wrong place way down where I can barely reach it, and the gears are all crunchy and there are only ten speeds!

Hang on, C.R.A.P.® can help: Just think how happy you'll be to get back on your own 12-year-old bike, which you also complain about--at least it has 21 speeds and you can find the gears to change them because they're right on the hand grips.

Initial Observation #6: Every week that goes by without running will make me slower and I'm getting out of shape for running and old ladies on walkers will be passing me on the trail!

Try a little more C.R.A.P.®: But meanwhile you have new biking goals that you can focus on. You know you want to make it from Chabot Road all the way up the hill to Skyline Blvd--even though the first time out you could barely reach Uranus!


(And yes, I am still 12 years old and laugh to myself every time I see references to Uranus. And Uranus Ave is exactly where I stopped my first time, I'm not making that up).

Initial Observation #7: On a bike, you have to share the road with cars! Cars are dangerous and they're always running over cyclists and killing them. It's much safer on the sidewalk where you can't ride if you're on a bike!

Yep, that sucks, no amount of C.R.A.P.® can help with that one.

Initial Observation #8: My ass hurts from the bike seat!

One last time and then shall we give this C.R.A.P.® a rest? Yeah, but your butt will get used to it over time. And on the bright side, at least you don't have to wear two running bras to keep your boobs from bouncing.

And there you have it--that's how to use the "Cognitive Restructuring, Amplifying Positivity" approach to motivate yourself to crosstrain!

Anyone else ever tried to talk themselves into a new cross-training activity? Any luck?