If you're acquiring your Coffee Addiction (COFAD) for the first time, please be sure to read all the enclosed materials carefully! With proper care and maintenance you can be prepared to enjoy your COFAD for many, many years to come.
Who Can Safely Use a COFAD?
Lots and lots of folks! COFAD has been thoroughly tested and approved for use by many individuals. However, COFAD is not advised for those with certain body types, brain types, religions, or chemical sensitivities. Nor is it recommended for persons who find the taste of coffee repulsive or who prefer to get "high on life." Please see further warnings below!
What Are Some COFAD Benefits?
- Stay Up Later
- Exercise With Less Whining
- Get More Done
- Look More Sophisticated (Sorry, only applies if 18 yrs of age or younger)
- Talk A Lot Faster
- Entertain Young Children with Sporadic Hand Tremors
- Burn Calories Fast with Compulsive Twitching, Finger-drumming and Teeth Grinding
Why COFAD is Better Than Ever!
Haven't had a COFAD for a few years? Now it's New and Improved. Check out these Exciting Enhancements:
- 95% less guilt! Coffee has been declared, for most people, a Healthy Beverage!
- More Variety! Check out all the additional new styles and price ranges! Remember the days when to perform proper COFAD maintenance you had to chose between Grocery Store Brands, Overheated Diner Coffee, or Workplace Sludge? Fancy Espresso drinks were available only if you were European or lived in an unusually hip neighborhood. Now, everyone can line up twenty deep in order to pay $4.00 for your morning brew!
- Trendier Than Ever--this Addiction Never Goes Out of Style! (Remember poppers?) Famous Actors, Hipsters, Writers, High-Powered Executives, Sports Heroes, CyberGeeks, and Rock Stars--Everybody's Got COFAD!
- Step One: Initialize your COFAD. Simply start by consuming the Coffee-based beverage of your choice. If you find it too bitter, add whiteners and brighteners until the flavor becomes more palatable and tastes like a dessert.
- Step Two: Habituate. Make sure you never miss a daily dosage!
- Step Three: Escalate. To do so, gradually increase your consumption by adding additional cups. You will know when it's time--former amounts that used to send you flying won't even register anymore.
- Step Four: Success! How to know when you don't need to escalate anymore and have successfully set up your COFAD? Quick test: Is it impossible to imagine rising from your bed and speaking, let alone getting through a workday without a steady infusion of coffee? Or, if you found yourself totally out of coffee and your car wouldn't start, would you walk five miles through a snowstorm in your bathrobe and slippers to buy more? How about just your underwear? If your answer to all these questions is Yes, Congratulations, you've successfully installed your COFAD!
- Advance Usage: Expert users have reported the ability to enjoy coffee in moderation and find it enhances performance best when Step Three, escalation, is skipped entirely! However, this is not a technique most novices can master. Decades of practice combined with periods of Abstinence or Decaf may be required to achieve this "Moderation" effect.
Certain side effects have been documented. Like Death. (Click here for For Handy Caffeine Fatal Dosage Calculator. Really--it's pretty amusing).