September 19, 2007

Coffee Addiction: An Owner's Manual

Welcome and Congratulations, New User!

If you're acquiring your Coffee Addiction (COFAD) for the first time, please be sure to read all the enclosed materials carefully! With proper care and maintenance you can be prepared to enjoy your COFAD for many, many years to come.

Who Can Safely Use a COFAD?

Lots and lots of folks! COFAD has been thoroughly tested and approved for use by many individuals. However, COFAD is not advised for those with certain body types, brain types, religions, or chemical sensitivities. Nor is it recommended for persons who find the taste of coffee repulsive or who prefer to get "high on life." Please see further warnings below!

What Are Some COFAD Benefits?
  • Stay Up Later
  • Exercise With Less Whining
  • Get More Done
  • Look More Sophisticated (Sorry, only applies if 18 yrs of age or younger)
  • Talk A Lot Faster
  • Entertain Young Children with Sporadic Hand Tremors
  • Burn Calories Fast with Compulsive Twitching, Finger-drumming and Teeth Grinding

Why COFAD is Better Than Ever!

Haven't had a COFAD for a few years? Now it's New and Improved. Check out these Exciting Enhancements:
  • 95% less guilt! Coffee has been declared, for most people, a Healthy Beverage!
  • More Variety! Check out all the additional new styles and price ranges! Remember the days when to perform proper COFAD maintenance you had to chose between Grocery Store Brands, Overheated Diner Coffee, or Workplace Sludge? Fancy Espresso drinks were available only if you were European or lived in an unusually hip neighborhood. Now, everyone can line up twenty deep in order to pay $4.00 for your morning brew!
  • Trendier Than Ever--this Addiction Never Goes Out of Style! (Remember poppers?) Famous Actors, Hipsters, Writers, High-Powered Executives, Sports Heroes, CyberGeeks, and Rock Stars--Everybody's Got COFAD!

  • Step One: Initialize your COFAD. Simply start by consuming the Coffee-based beverage of your choice. If you find it too bitter, add whiteners and brighteners until the flavor becomes more palatable and tastes like a dessert.
  • Step Two: Habituate. Make sure you never miss a daily dosage!
  • Step Three: Escalate. To do so, gradually increase your consumption by adding additional cups. You will know when it's time--former amounts that used to send you flying won't even register anymore.
  • Step Four: Success! How to know when you don't need to escalate anymore and have successfully set up your COFAD? Quick test: Is it impossible to imagine rising from your bed and speaking, let alone getting through a workday without a steady infusion of coffee? Or, if you found yourself totally out of coffee and your car wouldn't start, would you walk five miles through a snowstorm in your bathrobe and slippers to buy more? How about just your underwear? If your answer to all these questions is Yes, Congratulations, you've successfully installed your COFAD!
  • Advance Usage: Expert users have reported the ability to enjoy coffee in moderation and find it enhances performance best when Step Three, escalation, is skipped entirely! However, this is not a technique most novices can master. Decades of practice combined with periods of Abstinence or Decaf may be required to achieve this "Moderation" effect.
Certain side effects have been documented. Like Death. (Click here for For Handy Caffeine Fatal Dosage Calculator. Really--it's pretty amusing).


  1. ROFL! OMG I am reading this while sipping my coffee, which I have to have before 9 am or the headache kicks in! I always joke about my caffeine addiction. I am just cracking up! Thanks for making it funny!

  2. Even looking at the picture of the coffee beans raised my heartrate a little. I am SO there!

  3. Avast, Crabby!

    Me landlubbin' metabolism means I can't drink coffee 'cause I get a whale of a caffeine crash! Arr!

    Accordin' t' th' "Death By Caffeine" chart, it'd take 455 cans o' me favorite caffeinated grog (Barq's! It has bite! Arr!) t' send me t' Davey Jones' locker! Too bad I be abstainin', arrr!

  4. I have to say this is one habit I am glad I never picked up. I can't imagine the amount friends spend on a daily starbucks or the calories because they always add crazy whip cream and a bajillion (literally) other things.

  5. yeah, I'm madly clutching my 1st cuppa as I read this. There was panic at work yesterday when we thought the department was out of regular coffee and the decaf wasn't labeled with a big or bright enough sign!

  6. So it looks like I'd have to drink 66.84 cups according to the fatal dose calculator. Methinks I'd be leaping over tall buildings from tall buildings if tried to drink that amount.
    I usually only have two cups a day. Some writing days I might have one more later on. But I do need those two cups in the morning.
    Am I addicted? I hope so. Makes me feel like I belong.

  7. Ahhhh, coffeeeee!

    My "addiction" is much more in check than it used to be, but I still have about 3 cups every morning. No cream, no sugar, just coffee.

    None of that Starbucks junk either. No lattes or any of those other concoctions. Just coffee. About the only concession I'll make to drinking my coffee unadulterated is that I've recently become very fond of hazelnut coffee. Yum!

    Yup, gotta have my coffee...

  8. I am so dead!

    (I don't have a blogger account. My url's under my name.)


  9. I quit drinking coffee years ago when I lived in a city where the water during spring break-up came out of the taps the same colour as the coffee! When I moved out to the country, I couldn't abide the smell of the well water (lots of minerals, etc), so I started drinking coffee again. (brewing it seems to mask the smell of the water) I only drink it in the morning (I limit myself to one 12-cup pot :)
    True Confessions time - I have never had a cup of Starbuck's Coffee (I'm so ashamed) so don't see the appeal. What's that old saying - I like my coffee like I like my men - hot, strong and black. (well, 2 out of 3 ain't bad - I have a very sensitive mouth so not too hot...)
    An acquaintance uses the "coffee & cigarettes" diet - seems to work for her, but to drink instant coffee (heated in the microwave) flavoured with a ton of milk and sugar, all day long in place of food just doesn't appeal. Mind you, she seems to have lots of energy...(and really, really high blood pressure!) But she IS thin...

  10. ah! my strong dark bf! i cannot live without him! - seriously. i'm like amy; no coffee and my buddy migraine comes roaring in.

    and I am ever thankful that my brother, the coffee snob (i think that's actually his job title too), has taught me how to drink it black and distinguish the difference between good coffee and bad...although I'll still drink whatever is put in front of me :)

    you should see the size of the mug i'm drinking it out of right now!

  11. I don't drink coffee because I get nasty headaches when I do (and then don't).

    But I find this funny...and scary. It takes about 220 cups of coffee, or 200 cans of coke to do me in, and there are some of these drinks that are only 30 bottles for a fatal shot. I can't even imagine how high I'd be flying from that much caffeine if they're packing it in like that!

  12. I can hear the marketing guy making this pitch, and I want to record an mp3 of it.

    Me, I'll stick with my diet sodas in the morning. Less calories, just as much caffeine--and that calorie thing is relevant, since I can't drink coffee unless it has chocolate in it.

  13. I once accidentally drank decaf. My taste buds have not forgiven me. *shudder* Kind of like alcohol-free beer - what's the point???
    Best coffee - Dunkin' Donuts!! :-)

  14. You made me spit-take my coffee everywhere.

    VERY risible post.

    I can't drink much coffee any more because I'm taking Wellbutrin and it totally sends me up the wall. But I'm sticking to my morning cup or three.

    I'm with those who don't see the point of Starbucks. TOTAL waste of money.

  15. I want to file a complaint! My COFAD was definitely defective! It's been one week and counting that I haven't had a single cup of java, yet I haven't noticed any difference with before, so it must mean it was defective, right?

    Muhu, that was funny post. :) Maybe I didn't choose the right moment to quit coffee cold-turkey? Or does my current state mean that... maybe... I had already reached the stage of moderation? *shocked*

  16. Hilarious! So glad I don't drink coffee...

  17. Amy--yes, must not allow caffeine deprivation headache! It's a special feature built in to ensure proper COFAD maintenance!

    Holly, glad you too are a worshipper of the magic bean!

    Avast yourself, Chicken Wench, arr! Were it not fer you, matey, Crabby would have missed t' boat on What Special Day it Be Today! Arr!

    Isn't it funny how people who are essentially drinking coffee milkshakes think the calories somehow don't count 'cause it's just coffee?

    Oh my goodness, Accidental Decaf, the horror!

    Leah, two cups a day sounds quite reasonable! Same here, but I have them both at once in a ginormous 20oz mug. (Thought there's a good deal of milk in there too).

    Hi Skinny Guy! Well I was totally admiring your macho approach (I'm a nonfat milk and splenda gal myself) until I got to the part about the hazelnut... (actually, hazelnut coffee is pretty tasty!).

    Well, its a fun way to go, anyway! Better than a crack overdose.

    Hi Bag Lady!
    I know there are plenty of women like your friend out there, but... wow. Just wow.

    Hi Marie--I'm gonna sound like a guy here, but Bet Mine's Bigger!

    Hey leth--really, some of those energy drinks are so caffeinated that it takes as little as 30 bottles to kill you? There are some college kids who could no doubt get close to that pulling an all-nighter!

    Jim, good plan! I keep hearing that diet sodas are bad for you in various ways, but I've avoided researching it too thoroughly 'cause I still drink 'em myself sometimes. Good thing I write a health blog, huh!

    Missicat, Eww, decaf! (Actually, decaf tastes great to me when served in a nice restaurant, and it took me awhile to figure out why: at home I put in nonfat milk; while out, I dump cream or half & half in my coffee. The extra richness totally disguises that icky metallic decaf flavor.)

    Melissa, good plan about caffeine management while on other drugs. And while starbucks tastes fine to me, I drink my coffee in the morning before I go out and can't quite understand why people are so willing to pay so much for something they could make for much cheaper at home or at work! But then I'm something of a tightwad.

    Oh my goodness, call the COFAD customer service center immediately, I think you may have disabled it! If you can "take it or leave it," you have obviously failed to do the recommended maintenance procedures and it might void your warranty. You could even end up... abstemious!

    But think of all the Fun You're Missing! Wheeee!

  18. COFAD... Bean there, done that. ;)

    Trying to convince myself daily now that it's not the cause of frequent headaches. So far I've been winning for about a week.. I'm just not quite convinced yet.

    Timely post for me.. I umm perked up when I saw the topic.

  19. Oh wait, I meant to comment on this--

    Missicat said: "I once accidentally drank decaf. My taste buds have not forgiven me. *shudder* Kind of like alcohol-free beer - what's the point???"

    I have to agree with the decaf thing, tho I have to mix it in with regular for my morning fix, otherwise I bounce off the walls halfway thru a cup. Mixing it in you don't notice the blah so much.

    The point of NA beer is if you want Indian food or pizza or something for lunch and you have to go to work or rehearsal afterward and you want to be a) sharp and/or b) not all beer-smelly.

    I can't eat Indian food without beer. My favorite Indian place doesn't have NA beer, so if I eat there I have to drink real and hope nobody notices the fumes.

    Kaliber is not a bad beer for not having any alcohol. The thing is I can't stand soft drinks. Most of the time I drink water, but sometimes it just won't do.

  20. I can never understand how people can be addicted to coffee. It tastes so disgusting and has no positive side effects.

    Then I remember that I'm addicted to smoking and I shut up.

  21. Coffee!!!! Oh yeah! I'm up before the sun rises most morning slamming the stuff back. I got all sorts of excited when I bought a new bean grinder just last week! The grinder is sooooooo important!!!!!!!!!

    My husband and I are total coffee snobs. If I bring home a bag of Folgers pre-ground beans I know he will have me committed! And Starcrap can kiss it. At least they will cease using hormone-laden milk in their drinks. Still, I rather not pay $4 for coffee.

  22. I'm sorry I just cannot comment on coffee -- I'd be here all day. But amusing post.

  23. Crabby - since I had to go to town today, and since my step-daughter just started working at Starbucks, I finally had my first cup of Starbucks coffee today. I have to admit, it was tasty. It was some kind of latte thing with whipped cream and caramel drizzle...don't ask me what it was called. I won't be running to town everyday for it, but as a treat, it was a good one. Of course, on top of the 12 cups I had already had this morning, I was pretty much tanked up on coffee today. Sure whipped through my errands.

  24. This post is hilarious and I don't even drink coffee. (although I do inhale)

    (I'm hiding out over here. I'm anti-blog today.)

  25. Yup, I have a serious COFAD and my hubby an even more serious one. According to your last link, it would take 88 cups of coffee to make me croak -- guess I don't have to worry, since I don't drink nearly that much a day, LOL!

  26. oh... ha ha ha.
    "aaron" is me. sorry bout that.

  27. heehee. Ok had to leave another comment just to show you our new teeeeeny weeny profile picture.

  28. I'm going to have to pass. All that caf would really cancel out my Nexium!

  29. Hilary, it's never a grind checking comments especially when you show up with your puns!

    Melissa--Mmm, Indian food and beer, great combo!

    Hi Annie--and I need to learn to shut about smoking more, given my caffeine addiction!

    And yes, I must end every sentence with an exclamation point!

    I have to confess that after grinding my coffee at home for years, I discovered I couldn't taste the difference when I started having the folks at the local Fancy Coffee place (not 'bucks) do it for me. Perhaps because I go through it so fast it stays pretty fresh? Or more likely 'cause I'm just not all that sophisticated. Good for you that you can tell.

    Jennifer--thanks for stopping by! Sorry I have nothing too witty to add, I'm still working on my morning cup and am not quite functional yet.

    Wow, BagLady--a twelve cup habit is indeed a robust COFAD!

    I thought that was you! And I love the profile pic--you guys are too darn cute.

    Thomma Lyn,
    Well, if you're nowhere near your 88 cups, I think you're good! I'm the sole coffee drinker in the Crab and Lobster household. I suspect my COFAD would be way worse (or better, I guess) if I had an accomplice like you do!

    Decaf Please,
    It's very cool that someone with your user name would venture to comment on this post! Thanks!

  30. Do they have diet rockstar? Least you'll be thin and trim when you keel over from that final can!

  31. "Burn Calories Fast with Compulsive Twitching, Finger-drumming and Teeth Grinding"

    Wow - It's like you're looking through cyberspace right at me! ;P

    I really need to cut back on the stuff...

  32. Oh heck, I gotcha ALL beat! :D I roast my own green beans (from City + to Vienna roast (12 new pounds just arrived today, A Nicaraguan "Cup Of Excellence" awarded varietal and an Australian high altitude coffee along with the Sulawesi and the Indian Estate DP), I have a cupboard full of brewers from a Turkish Ibrik to Yama vac pot a French Press to a Technivorm MoccaMaster drip brewer (hand made in the Netherlands, it's my daily driver), AND an Italian espresso machine! I also know how to use them, and I can make a cappa with foam up to there for about 75 cents in the time it takes to walk across the street to a *$, wait in line, get the stuff and come back. Decaf, no problem when it's not Swiss Water Process, or Folger's in a can, you couldn't tell the difference with the new non chemical no contact water process. (But as an aside on the non alcoholic beer thing, a Sharps outdoes a Coors any day of the week for pure clean flavor. Alcohol just adds SOUR to the palate, plus a nice soft buzz, and I used to swear by Coors). Caffeine withdrawal? If I go camping, my half caf goes with me preground along with a euro drip plastic cone holder and a SwissGold filter. Heck yeah, use the Pocket Rocket ultra light campstove, plop the coffee pot on top, light her up and hot fresh coffee in 6 minutes!

    Ooooh, don't get me started! I'm right behind Holly with the photo of the beans, I can almost smell 'em, LOL! The only thing worse than a coffee geek with a high end espresso machine for boring is a coffe geek who also homeroasts their own espresso and then drinks the stuff... ;)

  33. Thanks Geosomin & TK!

    And TK, you do indeed have us all beat! Holy Crap that's some impressive Coffee Love.

  34. OMG! I was laughing so hard when I read this! I spilt my latte all over the counter. I agree those damn happy people that are running around like exercise is the time of there life need to get a slap on the face! The only way I am doing that is by massive amounts of caffine in my veins!

  35. thats some strange coffee LOVE. well, my opinion is addiction/excess of any thing is harmful to body. i have been working for arehab, and trust me the cases of strange addictions come to me (other than alcohol & drug), for eg, wiki addiction, suntan addiction etc..
    This is a comprehensive addiction portal focusing on topics of alcohol and drug abuse.

  36. Oh my gosh... I was hoping maybe Google had a serious article on whether exercise would help get rid of the coffee crankies. (Yeah, Mr. Moody otherwise known as me had way too much coffee today!) Eh, I'll just post this and go hop on my bike. I hear coffee helps you exercise with less whining. ;)

  37. A sub-step in the escalation phase is to remove all additional whiteners, Brighteners and sweeteners, until you can suck it directly from the espresso nozzle (Take care not to burn lips although with practice heat tolerance can be built up.)

    Nice post

  38. Well if I had to be addicted to something, it might as well be coffee.

  39. I love coffee....I am very enjoy in the morning with acup of coffee, thank you for information

  40. My addiction has never been Coffee has always been caffeine in sodas. I have been doing a lot better since they have Coke Zero now.

  41. Funny blog! Keep up the "Cranky" work!

  42. Coffee addiction is something you cannot give up so easily. How could I wake up in the mornings without my coffee. ohhh I cannot imagine a fruit juice instead of coffee :(


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