December 12, 2007

Cranky Christmas List

[Posted by Crabby]

So if you happen to celebrate Christmas, or some other winter holiday (Festivus, anyone?) you may be racking your brains right now trying to find gifts for your loved ones. Alternatively, you may be trying to defend against Wildly Inappropriate Presents yourself by telling your loved ones what you actually want.

But that's not always easy. Things we really want (fame, fortune, happiness, beauty, love, inner peace, flat abs, round-the-world luxury cruises) usually can't be purchased at a department store. And if we really really want something and it's realistic and affordable? Guess what, we probably already went out and bought it.

A useful health and fitness blog might, at this point, make some suggestions for healthy products you could ask for or give to your friends... but we're not in that kind of mood today! Instead, it's time for a test. Sharpen your pencils.

Don't worry, it's multiple choice and it's only one question.

(By the way, for those of you have actually made a Christmas list already and want to share it, Lady Rose over at the Diet Pulpit is collecting them. She'll link to your blog if you post your list on it).

Anyway, on with the quiz!

Which of these five items would Crabby Like For Christmas?

(And yes, these are all real; several are from the "Solutions" catalog, which comes in the mail and is sort of like a Sharper Image for women).

1. Dog Fingerpainting Kit!

With everything your dog needs to create three one-of-a-kind masterpieces.

For only $24.95!

True, Crabby doesn't have a dog, and $25 does seem rather a lot to spend for what's probably $2 worth of paint and some saran wrap. But look how intellectual those doggies look, and maybe they didn't look that way before they started!

[Note: Precious little doggy French beret not included. But there is a "surprise toy." Perhaps it's a pack of Gauloises!]

[One more note: Due to technical difficulties (Crabby doesn't know how to format this properly) we need a little more text to fill in here just to make sure the next picture doesn't crawl up here and cause trouble like it did on Preview.]

[Okay, maybe just one more paragraph, to be sure. Note to self: center photo next time, fer goodnesssake!]

2. Screw With Your Loved Ones: The Gift That Won't Start Giving

Solve the maze... Claim the gift!"

Yep, you put a gift inside--suggestions include money and jewelry--but the recipient has to "guide a steel ball through a maze" first to get the gift! Nice, huh?

[Note: Sledgehammer, anvil, and divorce lawyer not included].

3. The Slanket!

Whoa: It's Blanket with Sleeves -- a Slanket! You have to love an item so totally original they had to give it a new name. How come no one ever thought of this handy item before? (Oh wait, maybe they did... about 5000* years ago! Some obscure item called a robe).

*Or 50,000 or 3,000 or whatever. Anyone know when robes were invented? It probably wasn't 2007.

4. The Two-Assed Toilet

It's a "TwoDaLoo - A Supertoilet That Saves Rocky Marriages and The Planet."

Yes, it's a real product, not a gag, although apparently it's not in production yet. And good news, if you don't feel like chatting with your Significant Other over your mutual morning business, there's an upgraded version that includes "a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station!" Note: Minimum order 12.

5. Gum Drops!

Do we need to explain Gum Drops? No we do not. They are Candy.

Time To Put Down Your Pencils!

So are you ready with your guesses? Is The Suspense getting to be too much?

Crabby chooses (Surprise!), number 3, The Slanket.

You thought it was going to be the gumdrops, didn't you?

True, gumdrops are candy, but they are not good candy. A good candy, by definition, is a chocolate-based confection. It may also contain caramel, nuts, and certain non-fruit flavored nougats. Crabby would not waste treadmill time on gumdrops.

So why The Slanket, aside from its cool name?

Well, Crabby has been considering the idea of starting her own religion, Crabbyism. Or perhaps Crankyism, that's good too. So she'll need to stock up on Slankets because don't they look like perfect apparel for starting your own cult or fringe religion? Just look at the woman wearing her garment. She seems so totally bonkers and brainwashable happy!

So, are any of you hankering for any particular sort of holiday gift? Ever received anything awful? Any other thoughts about gifts, whether naughty or nice? (And just pretend you don't notice this post has nothing to do with Health or Fitness--that can be your gift to Cranky Fitness).


  1. if i were you, i would wait until the chia version of the slanket comes out. sla-sla-sla slanket (to the tune of the chia pet song)!

    festivus for the rest of us!

  2. Thanks Crabby!! We have been looking for an inexpensive way to go from a 2 bedroom 1 bath to a 2/2! Crabby to the rescue! Now we have money left over for Christmas presents! Can't thank you enough. Just a few dollars for blind-folds and our guests will be good to go...
    Dr. J

  3. I'd join the Crankyism movement in a heartbeat. Give me my Slanket and something to be cranky about.

  4. I was considering converting to Zoroasterism for the next few weeks. But maybe I'll buy everyone slankets instead.

    No one will say you look skanky when you're wearing a slanky!

  5. LOL..........I love the idea of gum drops not being worth the exercise time.

    Chocolate definately is..................:)


  6. So, if a bunch of folks join Crankyism (the Bag Lady is SO there!), does the Slanket then become a Cranket...?
    Love the choices you 'presented', but hasn't that toilet been done before, too? Seems to me the Bag Lady remembers the 2 person outhouse. Of course, those were side-by-side. Everything old is new again...

  7. The no. 4...I am speechless. I am not that close to ANYONE! ewwww!
    A slanket? Maybe we should have a contest to create an "original" hybrid of everyday objects....start thinking!

  8. I did think it was going to be the gumdrops! And was so disappointed thinking, "Gumdrops? Candy for Christmas? and she chooses gumdrops?"

    The slanket lady totally looks like the spokesperson for a new "way of life" lol! It's all about the raised arms.

  9. Hilarious! One christmas I took phone orders for Solutions (and their parent company Norm Thompson). It looks like Solutions more SkyMall these days!

    Just thinking about having to say "Thank you for calling Solutions. My name is ____. May I take your order?" a million times a day in a peppy voice makes me want to poke my eyes out.

    All hail Crankyism. I can get behind anything that encourages lounging around.

  10. Hooray, new converts to Crankyism!

    Don your slankets, and proceed to the ritual gumdrop sacrifice!

    After complaining (in chorus) about Candy we have eaten that Was Not Worth the Calories, we shall then consume our holy chocolate AND vanilla cupcakes and think about working out, someday.

    Instead of stained glass, I believe our house of worship may have its windows decorated by finger-painting pooches.

    (And you guys are totally cracking me up this morning).

  11. I don't "get" the slanket. How do wide sleeves keep you from getting chilled arms? Seems like they would make the chill worse by giving the cold air plenty of room to get in, not to mention how cold those sleeves would be after they get in the water coming out of the tap when you go to refill a glass of water or wash your hands.

    I'll take the gumdrops, thanks.

  12. This is "off-topic", but I'm guessing Crabby won't mind :-)

    Dr. J

    PS You can find a video on Youtube showing the whole process!

  13. Bag Lady--You're right. Everything old IS new again.

    Check out a Roman public latrine.

    Nothing's original anymore. Though why anyone wants to resurrect a device that allows you to defecate with someone mere inches away from you, I have no idea. Pretty kinky bastards, probably.

  14. ok I actually ASKED for a slanket or adult footed pjs for hanukkah. I got the latter (not horrible but not slanketty).
    that said I merely wanted it for slanketting & snarking (aka. to don wilst watching Runs House, Amy Roloff boss around her husband, Kimora being fabulous & The Soup).

    as usually your 19234691386 steps ahead of me.

    thanks for not longing for a treadmill or somesuch healthy-treat.


  15. (yes that's supposed to be as usual not as usually. Im wired. on dum-dums)

  16. A friend of mine (up here in the frozen north) once took two blankets and sewed them together leaving room to poke her head through and her hands and of course leaving the bottom open. Swears it made the best robe she had ever had.

    I'm all for joining Crankyism too, but, are you sure you don't just want it because you will be living in the cold soon?

  17. This is the first time I've read your blog, I found it on Womans and you are hilarious! I literally laughed out loud so much it was worth telling you about it.

    I'll add Crankyism to my list of religions worth telling people I belong to just for the reaction. Right along with The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

  18. ^don't forget the Church of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (PBUHHH)!

    Crabby, to prevent unwanted picture-crawlage, put this before the next picture: <br style="clear: both;">

    re: gift-giving: I get bummed out every time I get presents because apparently nobody -- nobody -- has even a single clue about what I would like, so everybody just gives me either pajamas in the largest size they can find (and for Pete's sake, I was never that big! But I have my doubts that they'll even notice that 30 pounds have gone bye-bye since the last time they saw me), or bath stuff.

    I mean, is it really that hard to just take one minor fact about someone and go with it? Like, "She likes LOLkittehs... here's a funny picture of a kitteh!" or, "She plays World of Warcraft, maybe I'll get her a two-month subscription card." or, "She's kind of a geek... here's an awesome science kit!"

    I guess I really am one of those "it's the thought that counts" people. And it's not that I'm ungrateful, but does the thought always have to be "I think you weigh 300 pounds and you stink"?

  19. I want lavender scented tires. Seriously, just the other day I felt the urge to bend down and sniff my tires and they smelled like.....ewww.....rubber! So I was very relieved when I heard the ad on the radio that our local tire store is selling tires that smell like lavender instead of rubber. Seriously. Google lavender tires. Orange and Jasmine coming soon!

  20. Is it wrong that I actually want that maze thing? It looks fun...

    Also, regarding the off-topic Sumo Cookies... I want the M&M one.

  21. I was so wrong. I thought for sure you'd want the personalized potty.
    for two..

  22. I already got the one thing I wanted and didn't really expect to ever see, a new to me motorcycle to keep up with the dearest one and his new to him motorcycle. My old moto went off to a new home today as an Xmas present for someone else, which is totally cool! Not edible but there is actually some exercise involved in riding it.

    It doesn't look like I'm going to get world peace *this* year either, but I keep hoping.

    I liked the cube thingy as a gift too, what a wonderfully passive aggressive present!!! LOL!

    I don't understand the dog "FINGER" painting though: wouldn't it more correctly be "PAW" painting, and, if one both chooses and applies the paint oneself, then covers it with plastic to protect those poochie paws, isn't one in effect mostly creating the painting themselves? Now , cheap poster paint, a plastic dropcloth, several puddles of paint for pooch to traipse randomly through placed on the dropcloth with a canvas in the middle to catch prints, and a short leash; I could see that working. Poster paint washes off well too.

    The toilet? Heck, even when we're in the woods rough camping, we go opposite directions to find a spot. Sheesh!

    Crankyism? I'm already there, just mail me my membership card and I'll send in my dues! :D

  23. I don't think I'll be able to express just how horrified I was at that toilet thing. It bothers me so much I'm at a loss for words.

  24. Relax Randi.. you're all... flushed. ;)

  25. If you do Crankyism, the followers could be "crankyists". Also my ex gave me workout clothes last christmas. they were a size too big, and looked like the stuff 70+ year old women use to power walk. I'm 20 (I was 19 then.)

  26. I have nothing witty to add, just wanted to say you made me laugh and laugh over the slanket. Thanks.

  27. Ok, Crabby, you already know how I feel about the two-assed toilet.

    I wonder if they could make a Skank-et, one that is low, cut and mini-skirt style. I think that would definitely cater to the younger demographic. You are hilarious, Crabby!

  28. So I've been off Christmas shopping of all things, buying inappropriate presents, and what a great bunch of comments came in! Love all the awesome links and pathetic presents (sorry chickengirl, that sucks!) and the new Crankyism Converts.

    Also, anyone who missed it MUST click on Hilary's personalized toilet link. Now I'll really have nightmares about it!

    And tires that smell nice? Wouldn't that be awesome!

  29. Super sweet gifts! The dog fingerprinting kit is the best. You just must stop by and post a white elephant gift for our exchange - choose your slanket or anything you want. Awesome finds!


  30. Yeah, good luck with that list, Crabby.

  31. first off, I discovered the pet-painting kit on Amazon a few days ago myself, and was considering the kitty painting set for my love, Napoleon.

    And secondly, you crack me up. I've been reading for a few weeks, and you just crack me up. Thanks!

  32. Hey thanks, amy and therapydoc and andrea!

    (And andrea, given that our cat is creative enough with her hairball placement and "scooting," I don't think we'll be ordering her any additional art supplies. We use up enough carpet stain remover as it is!)

  33. That toilet is just...well...the fact that a prototype was even made...

    If you get to pick the blanket colour, sign me up for Crankyism too. I'm in :)

    I've grown to like my inlaw's family list on the fridge where you can write down things you actually want for christmas. I thought it was boring at first, but I like knowing what people actually want and can use.
    The coolest thing I've seen lately (I want) is a slate palette you paint on with water and the art slowly fades as it an art therapy thing. You you doodle again. Seems like heaven to me :)

  34. AGGGGH. My parents gave my husband a gift card in one of those maze things. Trouble is? Hubby has a visual impairment, that they know very well about. He couldn't see the ball to solve the maze. After 20 minutes of him getting embarrassed (merry Christmas, son-in-law!) and me glaring at my mom, he finally opened it. Luckily they actually paid attention and haven't done anything dumb like that since.

  35. LOL I love the screw with your loved ones thingy - I have a few folks I would enjoy driving a little nutty. The slanket looks cool too - I may just have to get me a purple one! After all when I preach from the Diet Pulpit I need to be warm and cozy. If you start your own cult too let me know - we go on a religous retreat together!

    Happy\Cranky Holidays to all!

  36. Crankyism?? Count me in!!

    The toilet for two isn't new!! Saturday Night Live did a "commercial" for it about 15 yrs ago (when the show was still good!).

    I'll take the slanket too!

  37. I agree, gumdrops are not good candy. I would be livid upon receiving them for Christmas. They fall into the category of foods that only old men like. Also in that category are black licorice, fruit cake and mince pies.

  38. Hey Tricia!
    Re: Your EX boyfriend? GOOD JOB!

  39. I have the most awesome converts er... commenters ever!

    You guys are hilarious.

    I definitely need to order up more slankets.

  40. The Slanket would be cozy but oh so not flattering.

  41. I know I'm a little late to this party as I catch up on my dose of Crankiness. I say we all don those slankets and call ourselves a cult. Couldn't we then get some sort of tax break for being cranky?

  42. Teena, I don't know, seems like a Slanket could be the perfect cover-up garment for those annoying water-retention days.

    And ScaleMistress, what a great idea! I never thought of the tax deduction aspect. Cranky and Sneaky go very well together.

  43. I have been on similar toilets to the "two asser" in China, where there are often communal toilets, nothing more surreal than going to the bathroom with thirty people sitting beside you.


Thanks for commenting, Cranky Fitness readers are the BEST!

Subscribe to comments via RSS

(Note: Older Comment Threads Are Moderated)