So when I was online digging up various sorts of strangeness for the Weirdest Weight Loss post, I came across a "Daftest Diet" article from the Daily Mail. It included a tip from the book "Six Weeks to OMG: Get Skinnier than All Your Friends," which sounds, overall, highly annoying.
But a tip it offered seemed intriguing: it's a simple way to engage and strengthen the transversus abdominis muscles.
As you are probably aware, your transverse abs are the handy muscles deep inside that pull your belly in, and probably do other important things too but whatever. The TVA's often get overlooked in favor of the better known rectus abdominis, which people work to death in search of those elusive six packs (that would be more easily obtained by abstaining from a few more six packs, but that's a whole 'nother topic).
Have you ever looked in a mirror, sucked in your stomach, and instantly felt like you dropped 5 lbs around your midsection? That's the effect I wouldn't mind 24/7, or at least during waking hours. Is that too much to ask?
The simple trick? Blow up a balloon! Over and over and over!
An interesting experiment--wanna hear how it went?
[Quick note from the Crab: So in case you didn't catch the byline, yes, we've got a special guest post from Cranky Fitness Alumna Merry Sunshine, aka "The Merry!" As you know, she has her own blog Sheesh, but she kindly offered to stop by during our last few Cranky weeks. (We may even try to coerce her into sending over one of her Famous Flow Charts if she gets a chance). This is a special bonus; we also have a new post by Jo today, right below, that will cure what ails ya.' Thanks Merry and Jo!] ____________________________________________________
I'm always a sucker for articles that promise to make me a faster runner.
Obligatory disclaimer Before I go any further, I need to put in a disclaimer: if you're already a fast runner, read no further. You're not going to find any useful tips, and frankly you annoy me.
Why is everyone passing me? I hate it when people run faster than I do. Of course, the problem with that is that Everyone On The Planet runs faster than I do. Yes, even you in the corner there. That's probably why I've always been fascinated by articles like Ten Easy Ways to Run Faster! Or, Improve Your 5k Time While Getting a Flat Stomach by Eating Acai Berries!*
The solution At last, after endless hours surfing the Internet for quick tips ceaselessly researching this subject, I have finally found the answer on How To Become A Faster Runner.
Um, no. Not what I had in mind, actually. Take them out of the picture. Stop comparing yourself to them. Think of it as a kind of mental photoshopping.
The "Before" version:
The "After" version: (After you've X'd out all those damn runners who had the temerity to be ahead of you.) Voila! You are the fastest runner around! Congratulations!
See, words like 'faster' or 'slower' are relative. The only person you can really be sure of beating is you. Measure your own speeds and work on improving them.
Self-improvement: more effective than sabotage Yes, I know applying superglue to the bottom of Nitmos' running shoes is more fun. But in the long run, you're the only runner you're always going to be competing with. So you're the one to beat.
The first step? I'm afraid that involves doing some actual running. Well, you knew this day would come eventually. This is the time. Go forth and run a mile, or some K, or however far you can run, and then enter how fast (or, um, slow) you ran into this site (on the Runner's World website). It will then calculate what a good training pace would be for an easy run, a sprint, a long run. Now you have some numbers to compete against.
Head for the hills. While this might prove a bit awkward if you live in Flatsville, Kansas, there are always stairs. Just make sure to pick a place that doesn't have a burglar alarm on the stairs. (Hey, normal people take the elevator.)
Good luck! And once you've broken the speed record for your race, please do come back and brag about it.
Unless you're running in the same race that I am, in which case please be advised that I have superglue. And know how to use it.
Do you have any helpful tips for becoming a faster, better, stronger person? Preferably ones that don't involve superglue.
My not-quite-heartfelt apologies to Vanilla, Nitmos, and Xenia for taking their images in vain. But it's their fault for being faster than I am.
*Yes, Crabby, I did throw those keywords in to attract people who are e'en now Googling for those subjects.
Belly Dancing makes me feel like an atheist in church.
In other words, I don't fit in and I figure if I speak up I might offend somebody. But since this place is called Cranky Fitness, I figure that it's okay to get a little ornery now and then.
Remember when you were a kid and exercise used to be fun? That's how I felt when I tried a belly dance class. I am sure that I looked extremely silly, but it didn't matter. It felt fun. Then the instructor moved away and I tried DVDs instead, and ran into the atheist-in-church phenomenon.
I dislike belly dancing because:
- it's like a country cousin that's gone to the city and had its head turned by the bright lights and glitter. In other words, when you see someone performing belly dance today, it's a faint distant echo of the dance's original roots - people are so damn serious and solemn about it! It's dancing, for Nijinsky's sake. Lighten up a bit. - far too often, the outfits are not really that flattering and get in the way, sometimes literally, of the dancing itself
I like belly dancing because:
- it's a whole lot more fun than situps - it's easy to move when you've got a good drum beat - dancing is fun - it teaches isolation of muscles as well as balance (see the video below)
All right, that's freaky. But it's incredible muscle control, too. And it's the kind of control you can learn through belly dancing.
[Text for the bandwidth-impaired: What Delilah is doing is moving three coins on her stomach. Without using her hands, she moves them one at a time down her abdomen. She tells you which coin she's going to move, and then she uses her stomach muscles to move the coins. Now that's control. (Okay, you could also say that's insane. I think both apply. Fascinating, in a weird way.)]
I love the idea of anything that works the abs without laying down. Especially first thing in the morning, lying down tends to make the body think I'm being really cool and nice and letting it go back to sleep for awhile. It's not inclined to work out in the a.m. anyway, why encourage it to be sloth-like?
Belly dancing also teaches balance
While I'm not a fan of the outfits in general, the hip scarves or coin belts that dancers wear do serve a purpose. Belly dancing deals with isolation of muscle groups. If you're shimmying your shoulders, the hips aren't supposed to follow along. The jingly scarves will tell you if your hips start jiggling along with the upper body when they shouldn't.
When dancers become more adept, they show off how well they've mastered the trick of isolating moving the hips as opposed to the upper body.
[Text: this dancer is swaying her hips while squatting down and then kneeling ... all the while keeping a sword balanced edgewise on top of her head. Other dancers have performed while balancing a tray of glasses, or a lit candelabrum on the head while dancing. That's balance.]
If you want to try belly dance
The best way to learn is of course to find an instructor you like. But if that's not an option, there are a whole lot of DVDs that purport to teach belly dancing. Some are pretty damn silly. There are also a lot of DVDs that use "belly dance" in the title but are actually aerobic videos designed to give you a workout. Nothing wrong with that, so long as you don't expect instruction.
Below are a list of my most and least favorite DVDs out there.
Instructional Belly Dance DVDs
Warning: these videos are designed to teach you how to dance. So there's a lot of learning the movements, practicing them, then doing a bit of choreographed dancing. In other words, don't try these DVDs if you're looking to work up a sweat in 20 minutes. Try the Aerobic DVDs below instead.
For learning to belly dance, I love Delilah's DVDs. (The woman who did the coin trick video.) And I say that in spite of the fact that I find the music annoying, the warm up excessively New Age, and her hairstyle pure 80's. (I can get really persnickety sometimes. Probably because I do these DVDs first thing in the a.m., when I am at my most cranky.) None of those snippy little drawbacks matter a damn compared to the fact that Delilah is good at getting a concept into the brain.
If you want to ease into belly dancing, you might try the "belly dance twins" Neena and Veena's DVDs. They teach authentic belly dance, but they ease you into it gently so if you're not sure what you're doing, you never feel overwhelmed.
Jillina is a good teacher, if you're already a dancer or in good shape. Bit of a steep learning curve if you're not used to dancing or to working out.
Learn to belly dance with Rania. After I started this DVD, I went back and checked to make sure the title really was Learn to belly dance. It feels like a DVD geared toward people who already know how to do it. Get the feeling of being thrown in the deep end and expected to keep up. The pace is too fast if you're a newbie trying to wrap your brain around a concept and persuade your muscles to move in unusual directions. Probably this would work for someone who is already a dancer and who has had some experience with belly dance, and wants to try something different. Would not recommend it to a beginner.
Aerobic Belly Dance DVDs
While I'm not fond of her "Learn to Belly Dance" DVD, I love Rania's personal trainer DVD. (If you haven't tried her earlier aerobics DVDs you'll feel thrown in the deep end when it comes to the cardio portions, at least at first.) What I love is the variety of workouts that are on this DVD. I can look at the menu and decide whether I want a hard workout or a maintenance-level workout, or whether I just want to spend 10 minutes working on my abs. Rania excels at designing a workout that can get my blood pumping in only 10 minutes.
Again, if you're new to belly dancing or not really fit, I would recommend the belly dance twins' aerobic DVDs. Unlike their instructional DVDs, these are not really useful for learning the dance, but they're good for a beginner who wants to do some aerobics. I wouldn't recommend them if you're in good shape, as the routines are repetitive and not that fascinating. Good for getting your breathing rapid, but dull. On the other hand, even if you don't like the workout these women are very good dancers and they include sample dances that are the best I've seen.
Oh dear... I did say I'd include some of my least favorite DVDs... okay, here goes.
The Goddess Workout with Dophina: Bellydance with Veils. The cover and the title kinda tell it all. Do not pick up this DVD unless you have a very strong tolerance for the color pink, and also the ability to listen to a lot of talk about "your inner goddess." Do not expect a great workout. Based on the Amazon reviews, I thought that at least I would be able to give my arms a workout with this DVD. Nnnnnnnope. Though I did admire the way that a fan off-camera blew so that the veil the woman was holding was always artistically draped behind her.
When you see people dressed up in gauze and glitter, it's hard to take this seriously as exercise. All the same, you ever have trouble getting moving, try a drum solo -- the beat bypasses the brain and goes straight to the feet. Need to get your heart rate up? Try doing a shimmy, tiny little controlled movements, for 20 minutes. While your upper body is doing entirely different movements. When you're doing lateral figure 8s with your hips and vertical figure 8s with your ribs, come back to me and tell me how easy this is.
Me? Defensive? Well... maybe a bit.
I'm kind of embarrassed to tell people I do this. Frankly, I think drug trafficking is considered more reputable. Prancing around in a silly skimpy outfit like an outsized reindeer?
The whole point of doing these exercises, it seems to me, is to be able to work your muscles in isolation. I love the idea of having such control over my body that I can control my stomach muscles to the point of moving coins separately down the body. Or of being able to be performing a side to side motion with the upper half of the body while the hips are following the shape of a vertical figure 8 at the same time. Trying to figure these sorts of movements out occupies the mind wonderfully, so that I can get a whole hour's worth of exercise and not spend half my time watching the clock.
Have you ever tried belly dancing? Or some other form of exercise that made people look askance at you? It's okay, you can tell me. Whisper it. I won't tell.
Poor unpopular, unloved belly fat! Everyone, it seems, is desperate to get rid of it.
Well, okay, perhaps not everyone.
It's not just a vanity issue either--health experts have been nagging us about belly fat for years, telling us that it's the worst kind of fat to have. Abdominal visceral fat has been linked to health problems like diabetes, breast cancer, gallbladder issues, cardiovascular diseases, and metabolic problems.
So since no one welcomes belly fat, it could probably use a friend. But I do not want to be that friend. I do not like belly fat hanging around. Yet it does anyway--I clearly haven't done enough to discourage it! Perhaps a letter?
Dear Belly Fat, I'm sorry, but I think it's time for you to go. I know you're very attached to me--quite clingy in fact! But I just don't love you the way you seem to love me. Truthfully? I'm just not that into you, even though you are quite clearly into me.
Scram, ok?
Sincerely, Crabby
What, it's not gone yet?
Damn. Apparently belly fat can't read!
So if anyone else is looking for a better solution to getting rid of belly fat than writing it letters, there are several tricks that are apparently actually backed up by scientific research.
How To Tell Belly Fat to Take a Hike, According to the Smarty-Pants Scientists:
While I think it's great that scientists are out there doing research on ways to get rid of our belly fat, I'm still left with two important questions!
Crabby Wants To Know:
1. Why does Crabby still have a respectable amount of belly fat despite doing all of the above things to discourage it?
2. And why there is no research grant money available for the elimination of Ass Fat? Though it may not be as much of a health risk, surely Ass Fat is almost as unpopular and many people would like to get rid it. Yet it's always belly fat, belly fat, belly fat.
So Does Anyone Have Any Thoughts on Belly Fat? Any additional tips on getting rid of it?
We are very, very grateful when people link to Cranky Fitness posts! And we certainly don't mind at all when folks quote a paragraph or two. But every now and then I come across an unauthorized use of one of our posts, where someone copies the whole thing and pretends they wrote it.
I confess, this bugs me--because strangely enough, the half-assed posts I write still take time. I hate the idea of other people stealing my stuff and making money off of it, when I can't seem to figure out how to make money off it myself.
But then sometimes I just have to laugh.
I won't link to the source, but I have to share with all of you a post I came across earlier this week. Though written by "Sebastin" it sounded strangely familiar... yes, it seems to have started off as my "One Rule for a Flat Stomach" post.
The post appeared on what looked like a normal English-language health blog with a professional, if unremarkable, layout. It was accompanied by the same stock photo (above) of the orangey shirtless guy that I used. Yet the post seems to have taken some strange turns since I last read it... I'm pretty sure this not quite the exact phrasing I used, is it?
One Rule for a Flat Stomach! By Sebastin Really, there’s meet digit rule?
And if we study it, we crapper every hit a insipid stomach?
You’ve seen the ads every over the internet. They’re almost, but not quite as galling as the blackamoor with the fakest hunting wrinkles ever in the story of imitation wrinkles, who gets her grappling magically erased, over and over and over again. (God I HATE THAT AD!!!)
(It's true, I do HATE that ad, and who wouldn't? Blackamoors with fake hunting wrinkles get awfully tiresome. But: "We crapper every hit?" What does that even mean? It sounds messy!) But wait, it gets better...
At small the “1 Rule” ad doesn’t commonly become with a picture, but it’s ease every over the place. It says there’s 1 conception for a insipid stomach, and you staleness Obey it. If you do, you module retrograde digit blow a day, or squad pounds in digit weeks, or 45 pounds in 12 weeks. Whatever. Bottom line: you’ll drop buckets of intumesce fruitful in no instance flat.
(Well that sounds kind of nifty! I'd love to lose buckets of my fruitful intumesce, though I'm not sure it's all worth it for an insipid stomach).
Just digit ultimate rule! Do you undergo what it is? Seems same if it was that powerful, we’d every hit heard most from other, more honored sources. But still… what could they be referring to? Could there rattling be whatever ultimate generalisation we’ve every been overlooking?
(Ooh, there's an ultimate generalization? I wish I knew which one it is. It would be so nice to have just one generalization to deal with every situation. Wait, I got it... is it... "Shit Happens?")
So improve your hands… (Virtually, that is–unless you poverty the folks at impact hunting at you funny). How whatever of you smart, educated, sophisticated, health-conscious, perspicacious Cranky Fitness readers meet couldn’t support yourself and eventually had to utter on the unification to encounter discover the One Rule?
(Oh dear. Readers, if you do decide to virtually improve your hands, or to utter on the unification--be careful! Watch out for those impact-hunting folks; they sound very dangerous.)
I did.
After dedication to myself, over and over,
(Now that just sounds like TMI. I swear, I am NOT dedicating to myself over and over, and if I were, I certainly wouldn't be blogging about it).
that I would not permit peculiarity intend the meliorate of me and beam reciprocation (and thus, money) to whatever sleazy entity no uncertainty lurked behindhand the come-ons, I eventually couldn’t support it.
(Actually, I know I wouldn't have said this. We at Cranky Fitness permit peculiarity, in fact, we are all in favor of it! Especially if it's intended to meliorate us. And please feel free to beam reciprocation at us, we like that!)
So you poverty to undergo what the info is? As a open service, Cranky Fitness module verify you, so you crapper refrain dirtying yourself by clicking on whatever of these slippy ads.
(Again with the crapper? The Cranky Fitness module is getting annoyed with all this slippy toilet talk. We may close the service to verify you if you don't stop saying "crapper" all the time.)
Hi Anna! Hi Pam! Hi Brook!
Here’s what happens when you utter on the “1 rule” ad: you commonly modify up at someone’s journal or scheme page. There you encounter discover the secret, which we module today reveal.
(Now I know exactly how it feels to have my scheme page modified up, and I gotta say I don't like it much.)
The info is purchase the correct compounding of coefficient expiration products. The queer abstract is, the products change, so the “1 rule” is rattling “many rules!” Sometimes it is an acai berry abstract and a colon cleanser. Sometimes it Wu Yi, or a occult fruitful executing foodstuff titled Slim 365. Do these products work? Well, they must, right, meet countenance at the photographic evidence!
(With all this "queer abstract" and "fruitful occult" stuff, how am I ever going to convince readers this is really a health blog and not a gay blog?)
Hey, Varla Jean, you're really not helping here...
Photographic Proof the One Rule Is Totally Awesome and Effective
What more do you need? Here is a represent of Pam Burgess, from Burlingame, California. She has 2 kids and a wonderful husband. She forfeited 45 pounds using a compounding of digit liberated effort products she saw on TV! Here is a represent of her in July and added digit threesome months later.
(Oh my. Now that we're getting into threesomes and liberated digits, I think I'll have to cut this short.)
It goes on, but I'll just leave you with the last line:
Ick, I see so dirty!!!
So does anyone have a guess about what the deal is with this? A translation gone bad? (English to Martian back to English?) Some sort of keyword-swapping search engine scam? Or maybe I was just hallucinating on acai berries when I wrote the post?
And if we follow it, we can all have a flat stomach?
You've seen the ads all over the internet. They're almost, but not quite as annoying as the woman with the fakest looking wrinkles ever in the history of fake wrinkles, who gets her face magically erased, over and over and over again. (God I HATE THAT AD!!!)
At least the "1 Rule" ad doesn't usually come with a picture, but it's still all over the place. It says there's 1 rule for a flat stomach, and you must Obey it. If you do, you will lose one pound a day, or eleven pounds in two weeks, or 45 pounds in 12 weeks. Whatever. Bottom line: you'll shed buckets of belly fat in no time flat.
Just one simple rule! Do you know what it is? Seems like if it was that powerful, we'd all have heard about from other, more reputable sources. But still... what could they be referring to? Could there really be some simple principle we've all been overlooking?
So raise your hands... (Virtually, that is--unless you want the folks at work looking at you funny). How many of you smart, educated, sophisticated, health-conscious, discerning Cranky Fitness readers just couldn't help yourself and finally had to click on the link to find out the One Rule?
I did.
After swearing to myself, over and over, that I would not let curiosity get the better of me and send traffic (and thus, money) to whatever sleazy entity no doubt lurked behind the come-ons, I finally couldn't help it.
So you want to know what the secret is? As a public service, Cranky Fitness will tell you, so you can avoid soiling yourself by clicking on any of these slimy ads.
Hi Anna! Hi Pam! Hi Brook!
Here's what happens when you click on the "1 rule" ad: you usually end up at someone's blog or web page. There you find out the secret, which we will now reveal.
The secret is buying the right combination of weight loss products. The funny thing is, the products change, so the "1 rule" is really "many rules!" Sometimes it is an acai berry thing and a colon cleanser. Sometimes it Wu Yi, or a mysterious fat burning concoction called Slim 365. Do these products work? Well, they must, right, just look at the photographic evidence!
Photographic Proof the One Rule Is Totally Awesome and Effective
What more do you need? Here is a picture of Pam Burgess, from Burlingame, California. She has 2 kids and a wonderful husband. She lost 45 pounds using a combination of two free trial products she saw on TV! Here is a picture of her in July and another one three months later.
Pam in July, and 3 months later
Still skeptical? Well, there's more proof:
Here's Anna Matthews, who also has 2 kids and a wonderful husband. She also lost 45 pounds using a combination of two free products she saw on TV. Here is a picture of her in October, and another one three months later.
Anna in October, and 3 months later.
Isn't that amazing? Two entirely different women, using different versions of the 1 Rule, with such amazingly similar results! So see, there's nothing at all fishy here to worry about.
Endorsed by Oprah, WebMD, Dr. Oz, and CBS!
Depending on the ad you get, you can read the less questionable claim that some of the ingredients of these products have received favorable attention in the press. But some versions take it further and claim the products themselves are being touted by folks who would obviously know better. WebMD, for example, has since updated its acai berry article to make clear that there is little research supporting the weight loss claims, but it's still being held up as a major endorser of these products.
Scam Scam Scam Scam
Regular readers of Cranky Fitness do not need me to tell them these ads are bogus. But many folks out there do not have the time, energy, or motivation to educate themselves about what it takes to lose weight in a healthy and realistic way. Others know damn well what it takes, but don't want to face the depressing reality of eating less and exercising more. They allow wishful thinking to take over and they order this crap and hope for the best.
Here is a link explaining how at least some of acai berry weight loss scams work. But the fact that I even clicked on one of the little f*ckers just shows you how even the sleaziest of come-ons can be tempting to check out.
Ick, I feel so dirty!!!
Heard of any other Creepy Weight Loss solutions you want to warn folks about? Ever been taken in by one?
