Bad Fitness Poetry, Yet Again

photo: wikimedia

By Crabby McSlacker

In case you weren't permanently scarred by the Whole Foods Haiku post (continued over at Fitness Tabby by Dave, with much more wit and skill), here is some more awful health and fitness poetry!... Or should I say fitness Poe-etry?


Once upon a treadmill dreary,
While I slogged there, weak and weary
Watching others 'round me walking, running, jogging, or just gawking;
Summoning determination... suddenly, an inspiration!
Check my steps for motivation:
Surely I'll have steps galore!

Whole Foods Haiku

I spend so much time at my local Whole Foods that it had to take its toll on my brain one day. And sure enough, what sort of craziness erupted?

Bad poetry!

I went with the conventional 5-7-5 format for these six haikus.  But I kinda cheated by titling each one.


Beware the Tiny Paper Cups
Earnest sample dude
Offers chia drink. Slimy.
Ack! Never again.

Random: poetry, sex, & journalists

Photo: DerrickT

This blog covers subjects of fitness
But sometimes, as God is my witness,
We need to be random
And share with the fandom
Some studies that are mostly hit/miss

What? Why're you looking at me like that? Poetry is educational. It's classy. Makes us look like we're into culture and all that stuff.

I know we joke about how a study is published and then the next week another study contradicts it, but in real life it usually takes longer than a week. Not this time.

According to one study, Britain is going to be a lot less crowded to visit in the future. British people are too lazy for sex.

I mean, we're talking seriously lazy. "One in six say that if the remote control was broken, they would prefer to watch a TV program they didn't like rather than get up to change the channel...."


And yes, this study is related to fitness. "More than half (58 per cent) ... blamed their barren sex lives on a lack of fitness."


Seems straightforward enough. Except...

The week after this study came out, it was followed up by this one:

The British birth rate is on the increase. "The UK population grew more in 2008 than at any time since 1962." How they're managing that when they're too lazy to have sex would make an interesting study in itself.

Um... this method doesn't look like much fun, judging by her expression...

All right, so half of the increased births were to women "born overseas, but living in the UK." Even so, if they're living in Britain, aren't they affected by the environment they're living in? According to the first study, Glasgow was "Britain's most slothful city, with 75 per cent of people admitting they don't get enough exercise, followed by Birmingham and Southampton in joint second place with 67 per cent admitting their laziness."

If you're surrounded by that many lazy bums, it's going to rub off. If nothing else, it's an environment geared toward people driving cars rather than walking, living in buildings with easily accessible elevators and dingy, hard-to-find stairs, being surrounded by fast food and slow traffic. Besides which, there have been enough studies out there demonstrating that hanging around obese people will increase your chances of gaining weight. One study, published in the New England Journal of Medicine, "found that a mutual friend becoming obese correlated with a 171 percent increase in the probability of obesity in the other friend."

No, as I see it, the second study is 180 degrees from the first. The women being 'from overseas' isn't really an important enough factor. We tend to pick up on the behavior of those around us.

Photo: rumpleteaser

I know I tend to sound off a lot about journalists, but sometimes it's hard not to. For example, a Bangladesh newspaper picked up on an article in an American publication, which featured an interview with Neil Armstrong confirming that the Moon Landing was a hoax. Only problem? It wasn't a real story. It was a hoax. (I mean the story was a hoax. A hoax of a hoax, if that makes any kind of sense.)

This is the part that got me. The journalists' defense? "We thought it was true so we printed it without checking. We didn't know The Onion was not a real news site."

Okay, let me make this clear. Just because The Onion makes incredible sense sometimes Does Not mean it's real, 'k?



Bratz Dolls May Give Young Girls Unrealistic Expectations Of Head Size


Okay, one last weird story. I realize everybody's getting more lawsuit-happy these days, but even so...

Legal case against God dismissed
A US judge has thrown out a case against God, ruling that because the defendant has no address, legal papers cannot be served.


Oooooookay. I'm not even going to try to relate that one to health or fitness.

Christmas Eve, Blender Winners, and Poetry

Photo credit: Plan 59

On the night before Christmas
Cranky Fitness went quiet.
No posts about fitness,
Or improving your diet.

The Crab must confess
She's a holiday shirker.
But y'all knew already,
She's not much of a worker.

Is she off buying presents,
Instead of manning the blog?
Busy trimming the tree?
Or just sneaking egg-nog?

Thinking further ahead,
She could've penned enough prose
To plan for the holidays.
But whoops! That's how it goes.

For bloggers have families,
After all, 'tis the season.
Crabby hates to be missing,
But she's gone for a reason.

Please have a great Christmas
If it's a holiday for you,
Or if not, let this Thursday,
Be an awesome day too!

********************************

Oh dear. There's a reason I leave the poetry to our creative readers instead of attempting it myself!


And speaking of which, no, I haven't forgotten to announce the two winners of the Vita-Mix Blenders.

The random winner was: Lillian's Mom.

And the Poetry/Haiku winner was Liz Turtle!

Here was her entry:

Lite margarita
Splenda, lime, and self-pity
Martyr's bitter cup!

There were SO many great poems and haikus it was hard to narrow it down to three. Here are just some of the finalists I chose from to get the final three, which I then handed off to the Random Number Generator. But there were many, many, other worthy contenders. It really frustrates me that we can't give a humongous prize to all the great poets out there! Do go back to the poetry contest post to check out the rest.

Here are just a few of the many clever entries that readers submitted:

Rhymey Poems:

Here is my best answer.
I read those cure cancer.
--POD

Blender, blender whirring might,
in the kitchens day and night
what eager cooking with hand and eye
could master thy fearful energy?
--erika

O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How many are your functions!
You give me lovely smoothies bright,
To tempt and please my appetite.
O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How many are your functions!

O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How grand are your concoctions!
With yummy soups and ice cream fun,
You really can please anyone.
O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How grand are your concoctions!
--Messymimi

This Vita-Mix giveaway's splendid
But the outcome may be unintended
Because if I won
The blades would be spun
'Til each thing that I own had been blended
--Blenderific

We're not a blended nation,
And never shall we be.
At best, we're individuals
Who work towards unity.

Just look at Cranky Fitness:
There's happy Merry Sunshine--
On the other hand, there's Crabby-
And all SHE does is WHINE.

But her whining is SO CHARMING :-)
I'll cherish and defend her.
Why sucking up so much, you ask?

I SURE DO WANT THIS BLENDER!
--Ruth

Monica went on a bender
Put everything into her blender
Went one step too far
With puree of new car
But relished her relish of fender
--BettyG

Heck yeah, I need me that blender!
Two months I'd be nothing but slender.
A frenzy of smoothies -
It would all be so groovy!
And without even being a big spender!
--Adora


Oh Vita-mix, Oh Vita-mix,
How I want to win thee!

Oh Vita-mix, Oh Vita-mix,
Please Crabby pick me!

You'll crush my ice,
You'll kneed my dough.
I'll use you twice,
A day you know!

Oh Vita-mix, Oh Vita-mix,
How I want to win thee!
--Sherri

Mixes fast, mixes well.
Will I win it? None can tell.
If I do, I will not sell.
Those who lost can go to ...
Vitamix
--Nick


Haikus:

Made some fudge; got soup.
Recipe said five ounce can milk,
Not fourteen ounce. Damn.
-- Jackie B

Purring like a kitten,
Or roaring like a lion in heat,
Wish I had a Vita-Mix!
--Leslie

The cookies are burned
I need to be supervised
This habit costs lots.
--Sagan

I last blended soup
And sadly melted my hand
Now, my blender sleeps.
--Brianne

My Vitamix brings
All the boys to the yard, so
Suck on that, milkshake
--Sarah

Yesterday with old blender
Strawberry explosion
Cleaning now is endless
--Nina

Making smooth soup is
Easier if the blender
Still has a bottom.
--Sarah

A summer yard sale
Vitamix calling to me
Woe. I didn't hear.
--Andrea

Slayer of blenders
Three have fallen before me
Stop me, Vita Mix
--Smoni Smo

blue margarita
like absent sun in winter
blender to rescue
--Elizabeth

Thank you, all who entered!

Lillian's mom and Liz Turtle, please email us at Crabby McSlacker at gmail dot com with your name and mailing address by midnight EST of January 2nd to claim your prize.

Thanks everyone for your wonderful poems on a tough topic--I laughed out loud too many times to count.

And have a great holiday or a great rest of the week! Peace and Joy and All kinds of good stuff to you and your loved ones. Cranky Fitness readers are THE BEST.

Vita-Mix Blender Giveaway

First the good news:

We're giving away TWO Vita Mix Super 5200 High Performance blenders this week!


And these aren't the cheapo kind of blenders you get at the drugstore that get all panicky at the first sight of a big chunk of ice.

No, these are fancy-pants, high-end, state of the art, do-everything-but-change-the oil-in-your-car kind of machines. The kind real chefs use. ConsumerSearch, which compiles product reviews from folks like Consumer Reports and Cook's illustrated, rated the Vita-Mix 5200 the Best Multi-Function blender out there.

This thing can cook soup and make ice cream, grind grains into flour, knead dough, make a dress out of a feedbag and make a man out of... oh wait. You may need Peggy Lee for those last two. But the blender can do at least 52 things besides tackling simplest smoothie recipe ever. (For more info check it out here).

The (Possibly) Bad News:

We're afraid that due to shipping issues, the nifty 5200's can only be sent to U.S. and Canadian addresses. But Canadians, you're in this time!

And, due to my tendency to be disorganized about scheduling things, I'm going to stop even pretending that Fridays are giveaway days. It just got a little boring to have so many posts start off with: the reason we don't have a giveaway this week is...

So enough of that! From now on Fridays are not giveaway days, they could be anything! And giveaways can happen any old day. So, it's bad news if you like predictability, but good news if you were tired of whiny excuses.

And so how can you enter to win one of these kick-ass food pulverizing gizmos for your very own kitchen?

Two Ways to Win a Vita-Mix Blender!

Enter with a comment saying you'd like to win this thing, and your comment will be included in a Random Number Drawing for one of the Vita-Mixes. (First comment only, in case you stop by more than once).

However, if you choose to write a poem or haiku about blenders, cooking, cooking disasters, margarita's, or anything remotely related to the giveaway item, you will, in addition to being entered in the Random Drawing for the first Vita-Mix, be among the much smaller pool of folks eligible to win the second Vita-Mix as well.

I will pick my Three Favorite Poems/Haiku's/Limericks and use the Random Number Generator to choose randomly among the three finalists. (This means, if somehow you don't win, that you can console yourself by knowing that I actually thought yours was the very best, but the RNG picked the wrong entry).

Deadlines

Winner will be chosen as of Midnight, EST Tuesday the 23rd, and announced Wednesday, the 24th. (Holy crap, that's Christmas eve! Where's the time going?!?!) If you win, please email us to claim your prize by... oh heck, it's the holidays... please claim you're prize by January 2nd, even if you're still hungover or whatever. But earlier is better!

Update:
I just found out MizFit is doing a charitable comment drive over at her place. Every comment you make will result in a donation of ten cents to a domestic violence shelter! (What does this have to do with blenders? Nothing! But I thought it was cool and hope you can go over and check it out.)

Another Important Update:

So sorry, but the contest is over and the winners have claimed their blenders. Maybe next giveaway you'll be luckier! However, if you want to do some shopping, here's a similar one...

Time For More Rhyme!

When Cranky Fitness changed web addresses last week, Crabby wrote a little poem about it. She hoped the appalling weirdness of her verse would shock you all into changing your bookmarks. She even fantasized that the announcement would generate some Technorati mojo for her brand new, Zero-Authority blog.

And, well, it helped! Thank you, all of you who have re-linked and re-bookmarked to the new www.crankyfitness.com.

So Crabby is not going to let herself get depressed about starting all over from zero. She's not even sure what Technorati numbers are supposed to be good for, other than boosting one's bleego. (Bleego is a word Crabby just made up for "Blog Ego," an easy-to-injure sense of blog-worth. Someone else may have already coined the term but Crabby hasn't read of it yet, so it doesn't count. Bleego is sort of like self-worth, but more twisted and geeky. Excessive bleego can cause undue fascination with stats and resentment of other more successful blogs; best to keep bleego well in check).

Anyway. After subjecting poor readers to her tortured rhymes about blog URLs last week, Crabby asked if anyone else had any to share, and guess what?

The answer was yes!

Many witty poems appeared in the comments section to that post. Go here to read the awesome contributions of Marijke, Kristen, Missicat, Melissa, P.O.M., Jim, Mary, Susan, and The Bag Lady!

(And make sure you click some of their links, too, and sample further cleverness on their very fine blogs).

But a couple of great poems were also sent in by email, and Crabby thought she'd share them with you all since many of you already had the chance to read the earlier ones. (And pssst: Got any more? If any of you have health or blog-related silly poems or haiku to share, please email them to Crabby and she'll hang onto them for future postings!)

So first up is a poem by our good friend Hilary at The Smitten Image.


I'll Diet Tomorrow

Went grocery shopping and what did I buy?
Nothing fattening at all - so stoic was I,
'Cause I saw all the cookies and pistachio nuts
And I knew if I bought them, they'd go straight to my butt

I ignored all the ice cream and potato chips
And all of the junk that just inflates my hips.
I was ever so strong, and my resolve was the same
When I heard the dark chocolate call out my name

I came home again, put the groceries away
Proud of the willpower I had summoned today.
I made a light lunch, nothing fattening of course.
I was bound and determined I'd have no need for remorse.

I thought I'd see what my next blog post would entail
But first I remembered to go check my mail.
A plain package was waiting, a simple disguise,
I had no way of knowing it would do harm to my thighs.

I opened the wrapping and dug deep down inside
Where lots of my favourites were trying to hide.
I saw fudge chunks and cocoa and dark chocolate chips
And I knew it meant trouble if they dared touch my lips.

There was Hershey and Baker's, Godiva and Lindt
And sweet Ghiradelli with almonds and mint.
My willpower weakened in the course of a blink
And I could already feel my jeans start to shrink.

So I'll diet tomorrow, or next week, month or year
I'll approach it with purpose, be firm and austere.
I'll go back to the right food, the veggies and greens
And hopefully then, reunite with my jeans.


Awesome, thank you Hilary!


And so next is a poem by another Cranky Fitness pal, Vanilla at Half-Fast. Vanilla explains that his poem was inspired by one Shel Silverstein wrote called "Sick." And though Vanilla ran this on his blog before, he allowed me to steal it and run here too. Enjoy!


Excuses

"I cannot run this race today,"
Said Half-Fast, while in bed he lay.
"I pulled my hamstring and my groin,
I have a serious swelling in every loin.
My feet are blistered, my ankle's sprained,
And what if I have over-trained?
My arches have fallen to the floor,
My body feels like it's ninety-four,
I've got shin splints, athlete's foot and stitches,
And now my kneecap really itches.
My heel is burdened by Achilles Tendonitis,
Or it might just be Plantar Fasciitis,
Either way I should stay at home,
And not risk Patellofemoral Syndrome.
My feet are too slow, my legs are too fast,
And what if I keep getting passed?
I once heard that running can cause arthritis,
I'm already developing Hip Bursitis.
My quad's are too loose, my hamstring's too tight,
My left leg's faster than my right.
My calves have turned a dark shade of orange,
I got my toe caught in a door-hinge,
It caused a muscle tear, just partial,
And I know it broke my metatarsal.
I have Iliotibial Band Syndrome, or I.B.S.
And look! My hair is such an awful mess.
I dislocated my funny bone,
I'm sure I suffer from Plica Syndrome,
I have Tennis Elbow, and my belly is -- what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today's the scheduled pre-race rest day?
G'bye, I’m off to carbo-load and eat soufflé."


Another great one, thanks Vanilla!

Problem is, these folks are setting the bar for health and fitness poetry way too high. It's time for Crabby to lower it again!


Breakfast

Oatmeal with flax
May prevent heart attacks.
But pastries with icing
Are far more enticing.


Have a silly Monday, everyone!

A Cry For Help

photo credit: phaln

Brand New URL!

(A Poem by Crabby McSlacker)

Crabby had a little blog
With "blogspot" in its name;
Not sleek at all;
Who could recall
An URL so long and lame?

It followed her around the web,
From when she was quite small,
But change the name? Or just complain?
'Cause page rank; it might fall!

But one day "blogspot" she threw out,
And now she needs your help.
Please change your links
(She knows; it stinks)
And help her keep her clout!

(The End).

Sorry, Crabby couldn't help herself.

But check it out! If you look above the blog at your browser window, you might notice there's a new address up there. You've been redirected from icky old http://crankyfitness.blogspot.com to the simpler, more elegant "www.crankyfitness.com". You can also find Crabby by typing in: "crankyfitness.com" (but it takes longer). So tell all your friends! (Yeah, right).

The upside: now, when people who are trying to be nice to Crabby in social settings ask her, "So where is your blog thing on the web?" Crabby will no longer have to screw up her face into an unflattering quizzical expression and report: "Um, you know? I don't actually remember. Just google Crabby McSlacker, you'll probably find it." (Crabby hopes this is the reason virtually none of her friends except the Super Super Nice ones tend to visit; however, she suspects it might be because she writes a bizarre health blog, in the third person, as a crab).

Anyway, back to the URL thing: Crabby never got around to memorizing the address of her own blog. She'd just type "cr" in her browser window and the rest would fill right in. Then she'd copy it from there if she needed to. After six months, this was getting stupid.

Now, even the tiny-brained Crab can remember www.crankyfitness.com.

The downside to the name change? Well, from what she understands, by deciding to change her URL she could basically end up starting over as a new blog. Technorati and Google and all the other imperial Rulers of the Internet will think: What's this tiny crankyfitness.com thing? No one's ever heard of it! No one has ever linked to it before! Nothin' to see here; move along, move along.

So here are some things you all can do to help the Crab feel less insignificant, if you care to.

Crabby hopes that those of you who have the Crab on your blogroll, or who are ever thinking of linking to Cranky Fitness for any reason, might start migrating to the www.crankyfitness.com address. And readers, while you can still arrive here the old way, could you maybe start switching your bookmarks to the new address? Coolio!

Also, could you please let Crabby know if the change has messed with your feeds or made the site hard to get to or whatever? She's still trying to figure out the technical stuff and suspects she still has Things To Do to make everything work correctly.

And to top it off, there is one final request, but only for the Truly Brave:

Crabby had a blast writing her stupid poem, and it reminds her that she likes reading silly poems even more than writing them.

Anyone got one, or want to write one? Crabby would love to put a few silly poems or haikus or limericks together for a future post, perhaps even next week. It doesn't have to be about anything in particular, but extra points if it's about health (in the broadest sense), or blogging, or if it rhymes, or if it's funny. There is nothing to "win" but gratitude and publicity for yourself or your blog or your favorite charity.

If everyone says "no way in hell," no worries. Crabby will just inflict another one of hers on you someday and you'll be saying to yourself, damnit, why didn't I send something in, she's really terrible at this!

You can leave them in the comments to this post, or, if you don't want to spoil the surprise, email them to Crabby. If none arrive, Crabby will just pretend she never asked and you all have to play along with her.

Oh, health news?

Right. This is a health blog. Here we go, comin' right up:

If you'd like
A bigger brood,
Stay off the couch,
And skip junk food.

(The study actually says: Diet And Lifestyle Changes May Help Prevent Infertility).

(See? You all can do WAY better than that!)