January 19, 2015

Whole Foods Haiku

I spend so much time at my local Whole Foods that it had to take its toll on my brain one day. And sure enough, what sort of craziness erupted?

Bad poetry!

I went with the conventional 5-7-5 format for these six haikus.  But I kinda cheated by titling each one.

Beware the Tiny Paper Cups
Earnest sample dude
Offers chia drink. Slimy.
Ack! Never again.

The Road to Hell

We own twelve tote bags.
So eco-conscious! Pity...
Forgot 'em again.

Tragedy in the Produce Aisle
All hard as stone. Damn. Sadly,
No guacamole.

Maybe It’s the Cracked Pepper

Humble roast turkey,
Basic lunchtime staple. Wait…
Eighteen bucks a pound?

I've Always Wondered
The Whole Foods cashiers
Seem suspiciously cheerful.
What is up with that?

Don’t Judge

Stealthy use of tongs
Pries meat from bone at food bar.
Weighs much less that way.

C'mon, anyone else game? Bet you can do much better!

(Doesn't have to be Whole Foods either, or Haiku.  But is there any food-related poetry you'd like to share, we'd love to hear it!)

Or does anyone have any random non-poetic thoughts about Whole Foods or grocery shopping in general? 


  1. Love the Whole Foods haiku. Nothing's coming to me poetrywise right now. As for grocery shopping in general:
    in the aisles with me,

    Yes, I can be that miserable some days.

    1. Leah, I wholeheartedly (no pun intended) sympathize. That's why I shop at 8:00 a.m. on Monday mornings. It's just me and a few pensioners rattling around the store, which makes me much less likely to get annoyed to death.

    2. I am SO with you guys! I'm a very misanthropic shopper.

  2. Oh my, these are epic. The first and last ones made me snork in my coffee. You should make this a regular thing, Crabby. :-D

    I've never been to a Whole Foods, though. We live out in the sticks, so our version of it is the little old farmers running produce stands along the highway. Excellent produce, way cheaper. :-P

    1. Oh my goodness Heather, a Whole Foods virgin? Will be curious what you think if you ever find yourself in one! But your produce stands sound way awesome.

  3. hahah I love this!!! It's funny how three little lines can really sum up the truth. Especially re: prying meat off the bone at WF buffet :P

    Latest Post: Working Out and Not Seeing Results? How Overtraining Can Stall Fitness and Weightloss

  4. Your haikus :funny, succinct, honest and wise. The best of all worlds.

    I have no desire
    to see my weight higher
    I only want to be
    happy, joyous and free.

    1. Jane, your poem is great and even better it RHYMES as I secretly think all poetry should. :)

  5. Wow, Cranky!
    I didn't know you were a fellow haikuist! :) Great stuff!!!! Whole Paycheck has inspired you. In my town we have Trader Joe's, I might have to roast them. ;)

    Whole Foods boss went nuts
    Used wife's name backwards to vent
    Busted that blowhard!

    Indentured servant
    That's what I am at Whole Foods
    Just take all my dough

    I opened Half Foods
    Like them but lower prices
    I skipped packaging

    I bought a whole ox
    It wouldn't fit in my car
    So I ate it there

    I got a job there
    At Whole Foods in my home town
    I'm the pro eater

    Cheers, Dave/Tabby

    1. You put me to shame you clever tabby, these are awesome!!!! Way better than mine. But then I just take credit for having the best commenters in all of blogdom! :)

      (And I'm still laughing at the ox one.)

  6. Whole food are okay
    But Costco's sample stations
    Take care of my lunch

    1. Excellent Hilary love your poem! And I too am a bigtime sampler there.

      Costco samples rock.
      The only problem is my
      Expanding waistline.

  7. Hysterical! I'm more of a limerick guy ... I'll see what I can do.

    1. Please do Justin, I love limericks!

  8. Writing poems on a MOANday? I know I need to exercise the brain but I thought I had that covered when I did the crossword this morning. Don't get me wrong nothing like creating a dirty limerick or creative song parody but I reserve that for Christmas and Birthday cards. Maybe I'm only inspired if I am poking fun at friends. Hmm. Possible character flaw detected.
    I like the Haiku! Kepp up the good work!

    1. You write dirty limerick Christmas cards? That is all kinds of awesome. :)

  9. We were at Costco yesterday and I saw some sort of liquid Chia product. I immediately thought "Ugh!" and kept on walking.

    1. And at least to me, they taste every bit as nasty as they look javachick!

  10. So fun!! I've always been horrible at this kind of thing!
    I do hate when the avocados are all hard as a rock:)
    And, I'm sad that we don't have a Whole Foods!!

    1. Kim, I hope you have SOME sort of snooty natural foods store in your area? Overpaying for healthy food should be a constitutional right for every US citizen!

  11. Love Whole Foods for a treat once in a while. As for avocados, it's okay if they are hard, they all start that way. Put them in a brown paper bag for a day or two.

    1. Add a banana to the paper bag, rumor has it, and it speeds up the process. But.. I want my guacamole NOW!!!

  12. 2 ounce bag of rice
    Picked by tiny orphan hands
    This or pay the rent?

    1. Replies to your three
      Awesome haikus that inspire
      Will appear below.

    2. Oh crap there are more!
      I mean, it's great there are more!
      I just replied too soon.

  13. Lunch out with work mates
    Braised artichoke hearts abound
    Salad for 15 bucks

  14. Chilly morning air
    Fights steam from cafe au lait
    Caffeine alarm clock

  15. Did the above three, now can't stop!!! Love you Cranky Fitness :)

  16. sushi ceviche
    alfalfa sprouts kombucha
    Hot food tastes better

  17. Last one, promise...

    Yawning yogini
    Raw cocoa cashews and oats
    Stomach churns through class

    1. OMG anonymous, these are fantastic! Seriously, can I take haiku lessons from you? You and Dave/Tabby are far more skilled than I am.

      There have been multiple anonymouses (which needs to be a real word) before at this blog, I and I don't want to leap to conclusions as to who you are. Perhaps a pseudonym or a reference to previous posts so I can properly identify you and hound you for more contributions?

    2. Anonymous is now....misskimothy!!!!

      Another one, just for you my lovely Ms Cranky --

      Boneless and skinless
      Organic free-range chicken
      to deep fry at home


    3. And one quick note -- isn't the plural of anoymouses really "anonymii"??



    4. MissK, welcome, and congrats for figuring out the cumbersome commenting process! I LOVE your contributions and hope to see more of you 'round these parts!

  18. *pouts* What happened to my comment?!? Second try...

    Dearest Whole Paycheck,
    how I wish you were nearer.
    Six hour drive? No thanks.

    1. Oh - and it is by no means cheating to title your work. All good authors should.

    2. bdaiss, that is awesome ! And how frustrating that the nearest one is so far away, even though they are almost amusingly overpriced.

      And so sorry if the comment gremlins are eating your words, I hate that!!! Thanks for persevering.

  19. I have friends who work at Whole Foods (though not as cashiers) so No Comment.
    Also, no poetry this early in the morning from me.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

  20. I hardly ever go to Whole Foods, because the ones in San Diego are so inconvenient to me (they are never "on my way" and they have "terrible parking situations."

    I do virtually all of my shopping at the low-rent equivalent, Sprouts. They've got similar stuff, and it is literally 3 or 4 blocks from my house!

    1. I love sprouts too! But in my case, whole paycheck is walking vs driving distance for sprouts. Plus, sprouts is not as easy to make fun of!

    2. Hee, yes, Sprouts doesn't have as much name-messing-with.

      Convenience seems to be the key here, I think. What's easy gets done, I guess.

  21. I spend a lot of time in grocery stores shopping. I have a fear this attitude :-)

  22. I do not spend enough time at WF, to acquire material for literary productions. Impressed by the talent that abounds on Crabby's site.
    I only entered the seductive place twice and left thinking that I wished I had chosen one of the professions that make it possible to shop there on a regular basis. Amazon must be delighted by my condition...

  23. huh.
    must get back fer a visit.
    Ive wandered off to cheaper purveyors of foodstuffs :-)

  24. I've never been to a Whole Foods (I'm in Quebec) but I've heard it's coming here. Looking forward to it. ;-)

  25. I used the word "Haiku" on Word With Friends on two different boards on the same day. And now I'm haiku-ing again through this post of yours. The universe is speaking to me. Obviously.

  26. I hope you realize just how wonderful this was to find. I LOVE THIS. I love the submitted ones also. I've never been great with Haiku but let's see what I can come up with.

    Tried to go to sleep
    The rotten dog upstairs snores
    Sleep again denied.

    I suppose that explains why I'm here so late (or early depending where you are and when you went to bed) and why my deluded brain is even attempting Haiku.

    Going to share this everywhere. (not my Haiku, but your post)

  27. Love Whole Foods for a treat once in a while. As for avocados, it's okay if they are hard, they all start that way. Put them in a brown paper bag for a day or two.


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