This Just in...Live 14 More Years!

[By Crabby]

This study is the sort we love here at Cranky Fitness: Doing these four things helps people live longer. Fourteen years longer, on average.

What's so great about this research? Well the four good health habits are very likely things you're already doing, or at least trying hard to do. So here's some additional motivation to keep on track. And while the study talks about length of life, rather than quality of life, you can bet you're getting both with these four:

1. Not smoking;
2. Eating at least 5 servings of fruit/vegetables a day;
3. Drinking in moderation; and of course,
4. Exercising.

Not smoking was the biggest life-extender; fruits and veggies were next. Interestingly, exercising and moderate drinking were tied. (This does NOT mean you should substitute Pina Coladas for push-ups--but if you enjoy a glass of wine with dinner, it's another reason to say "cheers!")

Another great thing about this study is that it's not one of those that extols the benefits of healthy living and then comes up with some wimpy little number at the end. You know the kind--you get all excited because you're doing something healthy, then you get to the final paragraph and it says you're 3% less likely to die of some disease that you hadn't even thought to worry about in the first place.

No, this one isn't wimpy. Fourteen years, on average. (Just think how much more whining I'll be able to fit in!)

Note: this is just a little mini-post, tossed out hastily because we'd prefer you to see the study first here on Cranky Fitness. We'd like you to associate us with good health, good news, fine wines, and longevity. Please return to our regularly scheduled programming and check out Mary's post below for actual thoughtful analysis and humor.

When exercise might not be the right answer

[Written by Mary]

No, I'm not talking about the retired professor who wrote "The Joy of Laziness," advocating that people exercise less and sleep in more. He felt that exercise made people more stressed, while laziness (such as hanging out in a hammock) made them more relaxed. I'd like to put that theory to further non-rigorous testing before offering an opinion one way or another.

I'm talking about an article in Psychology Today about how exercise might not be the best way to respond to stress. This is totally contrary to my oft-repeated mantra of exercise or else, but this article made me think. (In itself a good thing.)

Basically the author suggests that exercise might not be the best response to stress. Or at least, not all the time. She advocates positive social contact instead. (I'm grossly oversimplifying what the author wrote, but that's a side effect of my laziness testing.) She quotes a neuroscientist, "You may think exercise is curative... but the calm you get from jogging 10 miles is more analgesic than therapeutic."

This runs counter to everything else I've read on the subject. Everywhere you look experts are recommending exercise as a form of stress management. Exercise helps the body relax. It doesn't make my problems go away, but if I'm relaxed I'm better prepared to face them.

The idea of deliberately not exercising worries me a bit. It would be so easy to slide into the habit of using stress as an excuse not to exercise. Working out is the best way to blow off steam that I know of. Perhaps the solution would be for people in high-stress situations to exercise in a social setting: go to a gym, join a cycling group, something like that. I've always been a loner when it comes to exercise, but maybe I could persuade the dog to come along on a run.

I don't think there's anything wrong with positive social contact when you're having a stressed-out day; I just don't think it should take the place of exercise.

I remember reading of one woman who used to stuff herself whenever she was upset, taking the concept of comfort food to an extreme. Then she switched to exercising when she was upset, which at first was great. She lost a lot of weight, toned her body, and felt good about herself. But she felt good about herself only when she was exercising. So she ended up exercising for hours at a time (I believe her exercise drug of choice was dancing), to the point where she seriously injured the tendons in her legs but wanted to continue dancing anyway. Someone in that situation should probably try hammock testing for a change. Or social contact. (Or social contact in a hammock.)

Seems to me that if you have a tendency to take things to this extreme, then exercise might not be the right answer for you. I suspect this woman is the exception rather than the rule. But that's just my opinion. What do you think?

Note: the hammock up above is available for a mere $19,500. (Background setting not included.) I don't know how you're supposed to relax in something that expensive, but it does look nice.

What's One Extra Toe?

[Posted by Crabby]

This little piggy went to market...

What would you do to lose weight?

I'm not too sure what to make of this survey of 1,000 women conducted for Fitness Magazine but it was at least pretty amusing.

• Eighty-five percent of the women said they'd be willing to have an extra toe to keep pounds off;
• Twenty three percent would shave their heads;
• Almost half would rather lose 20 pounds than live to be a hundred; and
• Nearly a quarter would go to jail for a week to reach their ideal weight.

But wait, there's more!

The results were almost as weird two years ago:

Since the article mentioned above was a bit skimpy, I went to the magazine's website to try to track down some details. Alas, the current survey wasn't there when I checked (they might actually want me to buy the magazine to find out more). But there was a similar survey from two years ago (men too, this time) with some additional data:

• Over half of those surveyed would rather lose their jobs than gain seventy five pounds;
• Seventeen percent of men and eleven percent of women would give up 20 IQ points to achieve a perfect body.
• More than a quarter of women said that they would rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than go swimsuit shopping.
• Sixty-three percent of women would rather be poor and have no weight to lose than be rich but significantly overweight.

What's with you people?

I think we're supposed to be appalled and depressed by what this says about body image, but I wasn't. It's not all that shocking that lots of people would do some really weird-ass stuff to never have to worry about being overweight again. (And while I don't have a bunch of weight to lose, all I had to do to relate, as a middle-aged woman, was substitute "looking way younger" for "losing lots of weight.")

It's funny, because even some of us who frequently rail against oppressive cultural norms are still affected by them. Hell, I hate that women are stigmatized for getting older--yet I'd happily go to jail for a week if it would magically make me look thirty again.

So it wasn't the superficiality that made the survey results seem odd. Here's what was scary: who are these people who would rather lose 20 IQ points, or give up any chance to live a long life in order to lose weight, but who wouldn't be willing to go to jail for a week or shave their heads? C'mon--hair grows back! And even totally messed-up malfunctioning celebrities can handle a week in jail. But you would be willing to give up 20 IQ points? How many could you be starting off with?

Now the extra toe thing...

That's a tough one.

It's distracting, isn't it? So many questions: could you have it amputated or would that be cheating and make the pounds reappear? Would you be able to fit into normal shoes or would you have to buy a bunch of specially-made orthopedic ones to fit all those digits? One extra toe on each foot or just on one?

So how about you?

Are there any bizarre things you might do to magically be given a "perfect" body (or face) for the rest of your life? (Note: it will stay perfect looking too, no matter how much you eat or how badly you behave). Would you do any of these?

• Drink a full glass of Pepto Bismol every morning forever;
• Refrain from ever getting on the internet again;
• Run naked through your local grocery store (just once but you have to pass through every aisle);
• Go to jail for 3 months (one week seems too easy);
• Never watch TV again (no cheating and watching on the internet);
• Give up your favorite beverage;
• Take in your least favorite relative or neighbor and let them live with you for a year;
• Let your spouse sleep with the celebrity of his/her choice (because as long as we're dealing with magical solutions, we're stipulating that the celebrity is totally up for it).
• Eat a dead rat (just one, guaranteed disease-free rat, not one every day. And you can cook it).

Deal or No Deal?

Or here's a different, happier way to look at it.

Which would you rather have magically given to you: A perfect face and body, or ten million (U.S) dollars?

But Maybe You Guys Are Too Evolved

For those of you who too emotionally mature and satisfied with who you are to strike any sort of deal, perhaps you have some thoughts about how messed up this all is.

(Some of the rest of us might be wondering how bad rat meat actually tastes).

Best (and Worst) of 2007

[By Mary and Crabby]

Once a year, bloggers around the planet put up a post about the year in review, and Cranky Fitness is no exception. Even though we don't care all that much about 2007 anymore, it being over and all, we think it's a great tradition because we can get out of doing boring research about new stuff gain some useful perspective on the year gone by!


Color of the year
According the NY Times (sorry, free subscription required), the color of the year is Pantone blue iris. (Sort of a bluish greyish, we think.) The NY Times quotes Leatrice Eiseman, the executive director of the Pantone Color Institute, as saying: “Blue Iris brings together the dependable aspects of blue, underscored by a strong, soul-searching purple cast. Emotionally, it is anchoring and meditative with a touch of magic.”

The official Cranky Fitness take on this news: Whatever.

Word of the year
According to Merriam-Webster, the word of the year is W00t. (With two zeros, not the letter O twice.)

Yawn. By the time a word makes it into a word-of-the-year category, it's fossilized to the point of belonging in a museum, not a dictionary.

Runner-up Person of the year
Actually, Vladimir Putin was Time's Person of the year, but we thought -- how many books has he written? And if he has written any, has anyone read them? So instead we're going to focus on J.K. Rowling, who was runner-up person of the year. We like her better.

Most Memorable New Product
According to this consumer survey, immediately following the iPhone, Windows Vista (really?), and Febreeze scented candles (c'mon, who are these people?), the Most Memorable New Products of the year were:

4. Domino's Oreo Dessert Pizza;

5. Alli Weight Loss Capsules;

6. Oreo Cakesters;

7. Diet Coke Plus; and

8. Subway Fresh Fit Meals.

Fill in your own cynical comment about how f*cked up this is here: _______

(And personally, Crabby would nominate the Two-Assed Toilet.)


But why should the fun stop there?

Who cares what the rest of the world thinks? They're too busy eating Oreo products with Alli chasers. Instead, let's get some Cranky Fitness "Best's" and "Worst's" going. Feel free to chime in on the following categories or make up some of your own.

Favorite exercise of the year:
Mary nominates:

• Giving that index finger a workout as I beckon the cabana boy to refresh my vodka-and-lime.
• My favorite exercise is always the one I just finished.

Crabby nominates:

• Leisurely walks to the Ice Cream Parlor.
• The suspiciously orgasmic looking iGallop workout.

Best excuse of the year:
Mary nominates:

• I'll go workout as soon as I finish reading the paper, drinking this cup of coffee, reading War & Peace.
• I just joined this new religion that abhors exercise and makes me wear this funny robe all the time.
  

Crabby nominates:

• There are workmen replacing the sewer outside, mere feet away from the closed blinds of our basement home gym. The workmen will intuitively sense odd-looking stretches and bouncy anatomical parts within and will throw down their shovels in order to try to peer in. They will then laugh hysterically and cause total humiliation.*

*Note: this was an actual excuse used just last month.


Best “I-know-I’ll-pay-for-this-later” dessert of the year:

Mary nominates:

Chocolate "suicide" cake, a triple layer of chocolate cake with a Valrhona bitter sweet chocolate sour cream frosting. (From Cafe de Marco's website, which is guaranteed to add on the calories just by reading the menu.)

Crabby nominates:

Not being a gourmet, Crabby's favorite treat is the low-brow Safeway grocery store cake. But this is important: she must plop one slab of chocolate cake on top of another slab of vanilla and eat them in combination. This necessitates, unfortunately, the purchase of two huge-ass slices to get both flavor together. Ah, shucks.

Neatest online game of the year:
Mary nominates Free Rice and Crabby seconds it.

According to Snopes.com, the site first started operating on October 7. On that day only 830 grains of rice were donated. As of November 17, the number of grains of rice that had been given away was 2,457,120,420.


Quote of the year:

Mary's nomination: "Never wear anything that panics the cat – P.J. O’Rourke".

And yet again, Crabby takes the low road and nominates:

"I have a wide stance when going to the bathroom." - Idaho Senator Larry Craig.

Are there any bests or worsts of the year that you think need to be commemorated in Ethernet Eternity? Was it a good year for you... or not so much?

Unexplained Beer Injury (UBI)

[By Crabby]

Back during the holidays while the Cranky Fitness team was sitting on its ass busy attending informative seminars and embarking on self improvement projects, the folks at Healthbolt were actually writing posts. Among their amusing offbeat holiday offerings was a great story on medical slang. And just in case it didn't get enough attention with the distraction of the holidays, we thought we'd steal the idea because it was funny resurrect it here for our readers' edification.

So did you know that medical professionals have a whole bunch of colorful terminology and official sounding abbreviations they use, strictly between themselves, to deal with difficult and patients and medical conditions?

Warning: these terms could be regarded as incredibly offensive, especially if you have recently lost a loved one. If you have, or if you otherwise don't approve of the whole notion, please skip this post and go directly to a better, more informative blog.

Still here? Cool.

Is it wrong to giggle at the idea that some medical professionals actually use these terms with each other and sometimes even jot them on patient charts? For those not easily offended, here is a random sampling for the Healthbolt story and from this compilation.


Brothel Sprouts - Genital warts

TFO - Too F*cking Old (person dying of old age)

CTS - Crazier than sh*t

Eiffel Syndrome - (From I-fell on it) patient with a foreign object in the rectum

CTD - Circling the Drain (patient expected to die soon)

Stream Team - urology dept

Peek and Shriek - open a patient surgically, discover an incurable condition, and close the incision immediately.

TLGP -Two Legged Guinea Pig - patient undergoing experimental or extreme treatments

Creepers - geriatrics using walkers and wheelchairs

OPD - Obnoxious Personality Disorder

Acute Lead Poisoning - Gunshot wound

Organ recital - a hypochondriac’s medical history

Horrendoplasty - A god-awful surgery with a probable poor outcome

Velcro - Family or friends accompanying patient everywhere

TTFO - Told To F*ck Off.


Oh, and do you think your nice veterinarian is totally above this sort of thing? Uh, sorry, no.

BSBF - buy small bags of food (almost dead)

CSTO - Cat Smarter Than Owner


So do these seem in dreadfully poor taste? Or have you heard any good ones, either from the medical field or some other profession where difficult customers/patients/situations must be dealt with?

(Oh and speaking of all things Medical, check out Marijke's great new blog for B-5: Help My Hurt!)