The 2nd Annual Cranky Fitness Exercise Review

It's time for the second annual Cranky Fitness exercise review. Once more we have assembled experts on various forms of exercise to give us their best suggestions, and once more they have disappointed us by turning in serious, researched, and well thought-out reviews. Since that sort of thing would make the rest of our posts look bad by comparison, I decided the only thing to do was conduct the review myself.


Boot camp

Pro: Some of them boots are pretty stylish looking.
Con: There are no happy boot-campers. Not until the muscle soreness fades.
Tip: Don't show up in drag.

It's not that kind of 'camp.'

Burpees

Pro: This can really work the diaphragm muscles.
Con: You can't have a burpee without a burper, right? So methinks this form of exercise is not suitable for all social occasions.
Tip: Drinking a lot of carbonated drinks beforehand can help with this workout.


Crossfit

Pro: This fitness program will make you feel like a martyr to exercise. No wait, sorry, I was confusing this with Crucifix-fit. Crossfit is a fitness program designed to make you feel cranky. And fit.
Con: You might feel like a martyr anyway.
Tip: Sounds like it would be a good idea to get fit, at least a bit, before trying crossfit.


Doga

Pro: You don't have to worry about Fido canoodling with the couch while you're at the gym.
Con: This is a form of yoga where your partner might lick your face. (I understand this is not common in other forms of yoga.)
Tip: Do not wear the burger-scented cologne to the gym.

Mmmmm... smells good...

Parcour

Pro: Can be done on your lunch hour.
Con: Unless you're a cattle farmer or someone else who doesn't live in a city.
Tip: Do not try vaulting over a police car, especially if you're running away from a bank.

Parcour dress code FAIL.
(Note the bolt cutter between his legs, and no that's not a euphemism.)

Pole dancing

Pro: Really works the arms and core muscles.
Con: Wearing a helmet while learning to dance might make you look silly.
Tip: Make sure your outfit has pockets in case people want to stuff money into your clothing.

I still think that's rather sweet...

Editor's Note: If anybody has any other, better exercise reviews, please let me know.

Yoga for Dogs?

Doga? Yoga... for dogs?

Put this in the category of Things Merry Doesn't Get. Right up there with taxes and garlic ice cream.

Regular yoga may well be good for you. The jury is still out on that one. (Translation: I really keep meaning to try yoga, really I will, honest.)

But doga?

A trendy-looking yoga place in New York describes it thusly:
"Doga is all about bonding with your pet and giving the dog 45 minutes of undivided attention and praise from their favorite person in the world. The dogs do sun salutations and you’ll learn specific massage techniques to calm your dog and aid both circulation and digestion processes."

But Pookie already knows downward-facing dog!

Maybe I'm biased because my dog would think this a totally bizarre concept. She was raised very strictly, and has Firm Beliefs about how humans and dogs should interact. (She gets upset if I sit next to her on the ground. She'll happily lie at my feet while I'm sitting in a chair, but it's Not Right for humans to sit on the same level as the dog. In other words, she knows her place, and expect me to know mine.) Perhaps that's why I think this is a strange idea.

Instead of yoga with dogs, try picturing yoga with cats. Even the most amenable cat, who doesn't mind being wrapped around your neck like a living fur stole, will look askance if you try wrapping his legs into a meditation pose. He'll probably think you're trying to give him a pill or something suspicious like that. Don't try it. It's not safe.

Loads of people believe that T-touch and giving a dog massage will help the pooch relax. I can see doing these things as therapy. Where I part company with these people is the idea that it is useful to do these yoga poses with your dog as a form of exercise.

One of the many strange things about humans is that we are a species that need to make ourselves exercise. Dogs make it a natural part of their lives.

I realize a statement like that calls for people to write in and leave comments like "My dog Lazybones sits on the couch all day watching t.v." Your dog might be the original couch potato, but if you offered to take Lazybones to the beach, or to a park, or for a good walk, would he say no?

Dogs get overweight because of humans. Dogs don't get out and run around because of humans. Left to their own devices, dogs would do the dog yoga moves when they felt like it, not because exercising daily is a responsibility. Stretching is instinctive. Why should they do it because someone else wants them to?

Humans can be a bit stiff, even wooden.

It strikes me as absurd is that doga is trying to get the dog to conform to this human "hafta" paradigm. What we should be doing instead is trying to adapt to the dog's approach toward exercise: it's spontaneous, it's fun, it's play.

Pookie contemplates playing with Woodrow

Not that we should imitate dogs in all ways -- I wouldn't mind lazing around all day while someone else brings home the bacon, but I'm not that keen on chasing cats, and the rolling-around-in-something-that-smells-disgusting part is right out thank you very much.

Pookie wrestles with the temptation to roll...

Trying to share your exercise session and use it as a way to bond with your dog is laudable. Because of the constraints and compromises we have to enforce on dogs so they can share their lives with us, they spend most of their time behaving according to our rules. For once, let the dog be a dog and let your hair down and frolic with Fido.

Photo credit: jere-me

As I said, I haven't tried this with my dog. I'm basing my opinion on what I know about dogs, especially mine. Has anyone tried doing yoga with their dog? Was it good exercise for you or for the dog?

(Anyone out there ever contemplated trying yoga with their cat?)

Pets can cause high blood pressure!

John Singleton Copley, Young Lady with a bird and a dog

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of a good home must be in want of a pet.

The universe is rife with studies about how owning a pet can improve your health, broaden your social life, and cure your warts. (Would you believe two out of three?)

Don't trust everything you read. I mean, you get a dog and at first it's all fun and excitement. The dog wants to go everywhere with you: frolicking, playing, enjoying life because you're in the same room.

This behavior is insidious, if that's the word I want. You get sucked into the easy path of being a pet owner.

And then the pet gets older, still loves your company but she's moving a bit slower. And the vet says the tumor "might not be benign, so we need to operate. Here's the estimate, about $250. It's just a little problem we need to take care of, just to be safe."

What are you going to do? The dog can't tell you where it hurts. Unlike a child, the dog doesn't usually cry when something's wrong. (Especially at the vet's. To a dog, it's important to look healthy when at the vet's, even if you collapse afterward. Never show weakness in front of someone who could take you away from your pack.)

So you sign here and initial there and cross your fingers.

And then you get your dog back, with a bill that's only $800 more than the estimate, please pay in full.

Sheesh!

I'm told that pet insurance has been around in America for almost 30 years, but I've only heard of it recently. (Hey, some things take awhile to filter down to me.) Some pet insurance policies cover the following:
- vehicle damage, if the dog causes the accident
- boarding fees, if the owner is in an accident and there's no one to care for the dog
- recovery costs (rewards or posters), if a dog is lost

Somehow, I doubt they would insure my aged dog. I do like the idea of an insurance policy designed to avoid 'economic euthanasia,' but then I'm a pet owner. Does this idea sound crazy to non-pet owners?

And would my insurance company pay for high blood pressure medication if I told them it was caused by a sick dog?