Cruisin'

We always say we're not "Cruise People." We object to their environmental impact. We don't like crowds, long lines, cheesy faux-Broadway musical productions, gluttonous buffets, smoky casinos, or traveling in packs like water buffalo, ruining the ambiance of otherwise charming port destinations.

Yet clearly we must be "Cruise People," because somehow we've been on an embarrassing number of them. We get tempted by bargain prices, by the convenience of packing and unpacking just once, by the notion of not having to shop, cook, or clean anything, and by the efficiency of scouting out multiple destinations we might someday return to at a more leisurely pace.

We know a lot of people who are cruise enthusiasts, who love everything about them, from the fancy formal nights to the lifeboat drills. But we totally sympathize when others who are decidedly not cruise people and have no desire to travel that way.

So why am I posting about cruises all of a sudden?

Why yes, you guessed it! Right now we are aboard a Spain/Portugal/Morocco cruise for our 35th anniversary.

Wait, did I say that loud enough for the people in the back to hear? We're celebrating OUR 35th ANNIVERSARY! 

 

It isn't actually that hard to pile up the years if you luck out and find the absolutely most perfect person in the world to spend a lifetime with. Having accomplished that, all you have to do is get older, and good luck opting out of that.

As it happens, my wife and I met on a cruise. Aboard a shitty little rust-bucket with no stabilizers that pitched us around mercilessly while we were on it, and soon thereafter ran aground. But back then we didn't know any better and thought it was awesome. It was one of the first all-women cruises, even before Olivia came along. (And we had to move fast to get to know each other, given that my wife was living in Hawaii and I was living in San Francisco at the time).

Anyway, so just a few random thoughts about cruising. Not a "how to," because one thing we've learned is that every person, couple, or family who decides to go on a cruise has an entirely different idea of what a "perfect" experience would be. Your dream cruise might be our nightmare, and vice versa.

Are Cruises Outrageously Expensive? Or Dirt Cheap?

Both!

For people who like to spend money, there are tons of cruises that start off insanely overpriced and go right on up from there, with all sorts of options like suites and special drink and spa packages and exotic excursions and pampering of every type imaginable.

On the other hand, often for less than it costs now to spend your nights in a very mediocre hotel, you can have a stateroom, unlimited food in various restaurants, daily room cleaning, entertainment, and of course transportation to different interesting and pleasant destinations often not easy to get to any other way.

So is it a case of "you get what you pay for?"

Weirdly enough, no, not necessarily.

Cruise pricing is very fluid and inconsistent, and it pays to do some research before you book something. Often if you get lucky you can snap up something on a very nice ship with great amenities for a fraction of the brochure rate, paying as little as a quarter or a third of the price.

We use Vacations to Go. It has an ugly site that makes it look a bit sketchy, even though it's legit, and it also requires an email address to see their deals. (They are not paying me, btw). And I'm sure there are other cruise consolidators that are helpful too. Booking at the relatively last minute, within 90 days or less, will often yield outstanding deals.

 

Is Cruising Unethical?

Yeah, pretty much!

Cruise ships are bad for the environment, and while some destinations love the dollars they bring in, more and more port cities are getting inundated and fed up with the problems they create. 

Some ways to mitigate that a bit: take smaller ships, choose cruise lines that are more environmentally conscious, and don't be an entitled abusive asshole when you get off the ship.

We rationalize our trips with our own version of Carbon Credits: generally we have a pretty small carbon footprint. We do all the recommended recycling things, we have one very compact car between us that we drive infrequently, and half the year we live with no car at all. If we were better people we'd skip the cruise and go pitch a tent somewhere! Preferably within walking distance of our house so we don't add to any pollution. But we are not, apparently, better people.

Is Cruising Unhealthy?

It depends!

Cruises operate on a pre-paid, all-you-can-stuff-in-your-face dining model, and boy howdy, do a lot of people use that as an excuse to pork out. If you are secretly judgey about people's eating habits, then watching what people put on their trays at the buffets can be quite entertaining. I suspect it's cheaper to make sure there are many, many sugar-laden, refined, processed, and deep-fried unhealthy temptations so passengers don't take too much advantage of the more expensive produce and seafood and lean meats on offer, but that's just a theory. It's also possible that an abundance of sugary fatty crap is exactly what most people want. 

On the other hand, since most ships have large kitchens and a ton of different food choices, you generally can find healthy options, if that's a priority, both in the dining rooms and at the buffets. There are salad bars, egg-white omelettes, fresh fruit, etc. Of course if it's a long awaited special trip, then by all means, go a little nuts! A week or two of crappy eating isn't going to kill you.

Many ships have decent gyms, as well as some optional (and usually overpriced) fitness classes. There are usually decks you can walk or run on for exercise, although these are increasingly being sacrificed in order to cram in more people, or put bizarre amusement-park-like structures everywhere. There are stairways you can use instead of crowded elevators. And there are often active shore excursions involving hiking or biking, kayaking, or snorkeling, depending on your destination. But I'm thinking an Antarctic snorkeling option is probably a long shot.

Bottom line: if you are a fitness freak like yours truly, someone who gets extremely cranky if you can't sneak in a bit of cardio, it's worth doing a bit of research about your options. 

Oh, and of course there's the question of motion sickness, the chance of catching Covid or norovirus, and the prospect of being helicoptered off your ship and whisked to a foreign hospital in the case of a medical emergency. (We've watched that a couple of times and it looks scary as hell. The copter couldn't land so the transfers were done via stretcher swaying perilously in the breeze, slowly hauled up at the end of a very long rope).

Depending on the potential barfiness of your route, you may want to wear a seasickness patch or pack candied ginger, dramamine, bonine, or some manual or battery powered acupressure wrist bands. (I've used both types, they do seem to help). Also, you should get serious about handwashing. And the fact that hardly anyone wears masks anymore does not mean that Covid and other communicable diseases have disappeared. Dare to be dorky and wear one if you find yourself in a packed bus or elevator.

So what do we do to optimize our chances of having a good time?

Again, this is so personal.

First off, we only go on cruises that have been substantially discounted, which helps lower the bar for what we feel we "should" be getting from the experience. 

We do the "goldilocks" thing when it comes to choosing a ship size: not too large with thousands of passengers and crowds everywhere. But not too small, like the expedition or riverboat size, because damn it, we want a gym and lots of healthy food options. (Though definitely worth it to go to the Galapagos). "Just right" for us seems to be around the 700-900 passenger size. Big enough to have what we need, but fewer crowds, and access to smaller ports that are not already swamped with other cruisers.

We research shore excursions run by independent operators; often there's a wider variety and cheaper options than what the cruise line is offering.

We also avoid cruises likely to be full of children. Because when they are not your own, and especially when they are shrieking, sobbing, or misbehaving, they are not our favorite fellow voyagers.

Anyone else have thoughts on cruising?