Bring it On

By Crabby McSlacker

photo: U.S. Air Force

So it's Holiday Season!

But wait, where's Santa Claus? No Menorah? No sugar cookies or snowmen or pine trees? And what's with the spunky aviator gals in leather jackets, that's not very Christmassy!

Well, okay, traditionally the holidays are a time for festive celebrations, fun, frivolity, togetherness, and generosity. But also they're a time for year-end reflection. And my goodness, what a year 2017 has been!

What a year indeed.

So, setting aside any bright moments you may have enjoyed in your personal life this year (and I'm hoping there were many, many of them!)... does anyone else think that 2017 may have been the most toxic, noxious, depressing, abysmal, terrifying nightmare of a year we've ever experienced?

Evil Non-Dairy People

Okay, so I might sound a bit cranky today, but only because it's over 100 degrees out today and I had to work on the third floor of a stuffy office because the air conditioning broke down and the windows don't open and nobody loves me and everybody hates me and ... well, look, I'm just cranky.

It is completely unreasonable to expect a hot, cranky female to write a cheerful post. Forget Merry Sunshine, this is her evil twin cousin Merry Fix-the-friggin'-air-conditioning-NOW-psycho-beotch.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, People Who Don't Do Dairy (PWDDD).

You can't spot a non-dairy person on the street. Oddly enough, they look like everyone else, only more so.

And no, I don't care what your mother told you, you cannot catch non-dairy-itis by swimming in a community pool.

And yes, trust me, PWDDD have heard all the arguments about how dairy will take care of all your calcium needs as well as prove you're a red-blooded American/Canadian/Mesopotamian.

Some facts about PWDDD that you might not know:

- they do not have horns, a forked tail, and scales underneath their clothing
- they very rarely sacrifice live babies in arcane and mystic rituals
- they can and frequently do get adequate calcium from other sources

Honestly, you'd think it was an actual crime punishable by scorn, the way some people react. PWDDD are treated as if they were putting on airs or something.

Yes, I'll say it: dairy-airs.
(No, I have no shame. Too cranky.)

When confronted with a non-dairy person, some people get annoyed on a fundamental level. Especially if you're not eating cheese every 34.5 seconds. You'd think I'd smeared brie across the American flag and threatened to stomp on it. It's a fermented milk product, people! Not an icon! The Dairy marketing people have brain washed y'all. Sheesh.


Oh come on now. Be honest. You going to look me in the monitor and say, with a straight face and a clear conscience, that you've never looked askance at someone who embraces an alternative cow lifestyle?



Photo Credits:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/66164549@N00/2419063192/

http://www.flickr.com/photos/sailorganymede/ / CC BY-ND 2.0

Exercise? Why Bother? (a rant)

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

I acknowledge that journalists need to make a living as much as anyone else. I just wish they could do it without messing with people's heads.

Case in point, an article, by Jacqueline Stenson, on MSNBC.¹



The article can be summed up thusly:

- Exercising doesn’t increase your metabolic rate after you stop exercising

- Exercising doesn’t help you lose weight or keep it off

- Just give up and order an extra large pizza tonight²


Seriously, this is one depressing article.

I acknowledge that the author needed to make what she wrote seem interesting and “different.” Knocking exercise certainly qualifies as different. I realize that she wanted to be controversial, and that for most journalists, and a lot of other people, it’s better to be provocative than intelligent. (It doesn’t matter what you say, so long as it gets people to listen to you.) Even so, this article pisses me off.

It's not balanced. The general impression is bad.

The article states flatly that:

- Scientists can't prove exercise increases the metabolism (the inference being that therefore there's not much point to it)

- The calorie-burning difference between fat and muscle is negligible, so don't expect much from lifting weights.

Oh, as a grudging end note, she mentions one woman who says exercising makes her feel better -- as if that wasn't about the best damn form of motivation that there is.

It's as bad as the column that Gina Kolata wrote in the New York Times.³ [You might need to register to read this.]

Kolata agrees that exercise isn't going to do a thing to help you lose weight. You're doomed because the more you exercise, the more you eat.

Then, if you're still reading by this point, presuming you haven't decided to give up on even reading about exercise since after all there's no point to it, she adds that the scientists have not been able to prove that exercise isn't helpful either. (Because people who exercise tend to do other healthy things like not smoking cigarettes or running with scissors.)

Argh!

Never mind all the studies that show and show and show that exercise whups diabetes' flabby ass, kicks fatty liver out the door, and oh yeah, can put you in a better mood. Stenson wants to focus on the thought that exercise doesn't burn as much fat as scientists had thought, and Kolata wants you to focus on the fact it probably won't help you lose weight. If these articles had been written by a doctor or other health care professional, they would've conscientiously added "but do it anyway; it helps in other ways." Not these women.

I grant you that exercise won't burn fat, unless it's strenuous exercise. To quote the illustrious Dr. Merkin, "A study from Oslo, Norway shows that you have to exercise at almost 50 percent of your maximum capacity to increase your metabolism." But who the Frapp⁴ cares? Even if you're giving less than 50% of your maximum capacity, even if you're not losing weight, you're still getting fit, keeping healthy and whupping the ass of nasty diseases. Beats the hell out of sitting on the couch chowing down on a 'za and waiting for the end of the world.

Okay. I'm done now. It's safe to come out.

Seems only fair to ask if there are any studies (or, ahem, blogs) that really make you want to rant.

Note: The illustrious Charlotte of The Great Fitness Experiment has a more favorable opinion of Gina Kolata's viewpoint, which is shown in her review of Gina Kolata's book Rethinking Thin: The New Science of Weight Loss -- and the Myths and Realities of Dieting.

¹From May -- yes, I do read slowly sometimes.
²Okay, that was the inference that I drew from reading this article. Your mileage may vary.
³Way back in January '08. Sometimes I read realllllly slowly.
⁴Personally, I think the word frappuccino makes an excellent swear word.

Pole dancing? Czech please!

We've all met the occasional fanatic.

They come up to you with a fanatical glitter in their eye, grab you by the elbow, and proceed to enthuse at great length about some great book they've just read, or movie they've just seen, or exercise routine they've just started -- and you've simply got to see it!

In vain do you try to wriggle away, plead a headache, terminal disease, or other futile excuse. No, that won't do. You've simply got to see this.


With a name like Merry, I'm supposed to be the cheerful one around here. Even so, their very enthusiasm is so excessive that it turns me against them; for some reason they put the F.U. into effusive. Lately, I've been encountering fanatical pole dancers. Yikes!

I have no doubt that pole dancing is a great way to work the arms and core muscles. Just watching people spin around the pole upside down shows that. And sure, if it gets people working out, pole dancing classes sound fine.

[Text for the video-impaired: pole dancing fitness class.]

The blogger Rachel From North London defends pole dancing as a form of exercise. "Why? Have we been brainwashed and turned into Barbie? Not really, I say, it's just that it is completely excellent fun. Especially compared to the humourless, soul-less gym. We warm up, we practise ballet, yoga, strength-training moves. Then we get to access our inner showgirl. We swing on poles and kick our legs and toss our hair and feel gorgeous and go slightly bonkers whilst the Rolling Stones pound in the background."

I don't have a problem with that. What I find annoying is people who want me to watch pole dancing. For some reason, it's immensely popular. It's even being featured on shows like "America's Got Talent" and such.

I don't think that this sort of thing is half as much fun to watch as it is to do. I've never tried pole dancing, but it looks like the people doing the pole dancing really enjoy it. I have no doubt it's a great way to work the core muscles, but unless you're in a sleazy bar taking off your clothes while you're doing it, I don't think other people -- people who don't practice this form of exercise themselves -- really want to watch.

All right, so it's mildly amusing to watch pole dancing bloopers:

[Text for the video-impaired: what not to do when learning pole dance. Hint: next time, leave the mattress on the floor rather than propped up against the wall.]

On the plus side, there is some "pole dancing" that I can approve of.

[Text for the video-impaired: A Russian trio display an act that's a cross between dancing on a trampoline and on a balance beam. Very impressive.]

Am I being unduly critical of pole dancing? I don't think so. There are some forms of exercise that I would willingly watch -- ballet comes to mind -- but to me, pole dancing is not Art. It may be fun, it may provide a great workout, I'll take your word for it. Just don't ask me to watch it.

The fun, the shocking truth, & the philosophy

[By Merry]

Okay, so I had this brief, possibly profound moment of illumination, right?

Merry gets a brilliant idea ... for some reason it's in black-and-white...

And I was going to start off the post with the brilliant insight. But then it occurred to me that some people, not that I'm naming any names because I don't want to get sued because I'm too nice for that, come here to have fun. So methought I would put the fun first, and anyone who still wants to read past that can be enlightened. Deal?

The fun
Over at iVillage, they have a makeover section. Yes, I know there are other makeover sites out there; this one involved real photos, not cartoon graphics, and if you sign up for the free registration you can upload your own photo, play with it, and save the results.

The Shocking Truth
Despite the numerous glam shots of a certain crustacean around a certain Party-town, you might have noticed that I've never posted a photo of myself up here.



Until now.

Yes, this is what I look like when I'm wearing a J-Lo-styled wig that's been dyed blue. And fashionable sunglasses. And a questionable hat. And "diva red" lipstick. (Do I have the pout right? I was trying for 'fashion-model' pout, but it looks to me more like 'two-year-old-past-nap-time' pout.)


The philosophical part

It's fascinating to try to make yourself look like someone else. It's an adult version of dress up. But think about it. Seems to me that at the root of this play lies the evil seed of insecurity.

[Editorial note: Can an evil seed lie at the root of something? For the space of this post, let's presume it can.]

Seems to me that the people who get through life with the maximum of enjoyment and the minimum of angst are people who can accept themselves as they are.

I don’t want people to accept me as fat. I don’t want them to accept me as thin either. But yes, I would like to be accepted. It’s a paradox, not a contradiction.

I’ve had the experience of losing lots of weight and being offended by how people reacted to me. They weren’t repulsed; on the contrary they were overjoyed. I know this because they told me so, repeatedly, over and over again how great I looked, I really looked so much better, they wouldn’t have recognized me, really, trust me here, you look sooooo good.

It was annoying as hell.

They repeated themselves to the point where I felt as if that my weight were the only thing in the world that mattered as far as they were concerned. Personality, ability, humor, willingness to enjoy life – none of that mattered, just how much I weighed. I wanted to say “but I’m still the same person I was before when I was overweight. I haven’t changed.” Kind of the same feeling when you still think of yourself as young, but some wet-behind-the-ears kid calls you “ma’am.” I’m still the same person I was then.



That’s what I want people to accept. Not Fat-Merry or Thin-Merry, but just me. The person.

I’ll start a Movement (the capital letter is important) and call it Merry Acceptance.

Enough philosophy, woman! We want more fun!
Okay, fine.

This site shows you what you would look like if you had a Manga makeover.

Or at least, what a J-Lo'd version of me would look like if mangled into a Manga cartoon.

Or do you prefer yourself the way you are? That would be really cool, so long as it's acceptance and not resignation that prompts your preference.

_______________
Thanks to Jennifer Crusie at ArghInk for the makeover links.
If you want to laugh at Romance Novel clichés, check out her Romance Heroine's Don'ts List.

Beyond the ABCs of vitamin lore

[By Merry]

For some reason this flickr photo makes me want to sing "Let the sunshine in!" ...

This is a rant.
It is only a rant.
If this had been a real, informative post, it would have been written by Crabby.
It is only a rant. Please remain calm.

Okay, yes, I get it that vitamin D is important. Hell, it's a vitamin. They're all important from a basic building-block-of-life point of view; that's why they get named after letters of the alphabet. Fine. No problem.

What makes me cranky is the sudden onrush of articles about how essential it is to get outdoors in the sunshine, stop and smell the roses (check first to be sure there's no bee visiting the rose first), and soak up some rays. SOME rays.

Two Points:

1 - Every which way you look, someone is warning about the evils of too much sun.

2 - You need vitamin D, which you can only get from sunshine or supplements, i.e. from putting some effort into ingesting the stuff. You really can't get all the vitamin D you should have just from regular (un-fortified) food. "Vitamin D is found naturally in very few foods."

But...

On one hand, the argument against supplements is that you can overdo. Vitamin D is a fat-soluble vitamin, so, like overdoing the vitamin A, it's possible to get too much of a good thing.

And on the other hand, we've all been warned for years that if you venture out in the daytime hours, you'd better be slathered in the greasy stuff. The problem with sunscreen is that if you wear the stuff, it almost invariably blocks the synthesis of vitamin D on your skin.

Technically, to make vitamin D you have to sweat. As the sun's rays hit the sweaty skin, vitamin D is synthesized in the sweat and then absorbed into the skin. Then the liver and the kidneys get into the act and finally you have the vitamin D that helps build bones and do a whole lot of other good things too.

To keep all the experts happy, you'll need to make sure you either a) get just the right amount of vitamin D through supplements or b)get outside for 20 minutes or so in the early morning or late afternoon without sunscreen, but to make sure you don't get skin cancer, you have to remember to use the greasy stuff if you're going to be out during the main part of the day.

It's a lot to remember. Complicated. In reality, I'll probably guard against the sun most of the time, but occasionally I know I'll forget and go out with unprotected skin, which will then allow me to get some vitamin D into my system. And of course supplement with vitamin pills. Since I forget to take them on a regular basis as well, this means I won't have to worry about overloading my system with the D stuff.

Sigh. One more thing to keep track of when I'd rather be off having fun in the sun or becoming a slug in a hammock.

Okay. Rant done.

Do you make a point of taking vitamin supplements or making sure you get juuuuust the right amount of non-sunscreened exposure? I would think for people in the more northern climes *cough* Canada *cough*, it would be really challenging to get all the vitamin D the experts say you should have without resorting to hitting the vitamin bottle or taking the odd vacation to Cancun in December. And January. February, too.

What do you do?