Oh Goody, a New Health Horror!

Photo: Drunken Monkey

Important Legal Disclaimer: there are no actual Zombie-Prevention tips in this post. You will still be at the same risk level for Zombie attack after reading the Other Important Health Warnings below. Plan accordingly.

So as longtime Cranky Fitness readers may have noticed, I have a love/hate relationship with health studies. But one thing I always love about them, even when I'm busy hating them, is that they give me something to write about. Hooray for actual health-related subjects!

Fortunately, while I was busy taking a break from serious health reporting in order to frolic with friends, the Research Factories did not shut down and stop production. In fact, a bright shiny Annoying Study came off the assembly line recently just made to order for Cranky Fitness!

But rather than just whine about the study and warn you about the awful health hazard that's going to give you a bunch of horrible fatal diseases, wanna have a little fun with it? How about we look at this latest warning as sort of a personality test. A Research Rorschach, if you will.

Test? What test? You mean not everyone sees two
pesky beavers pulling on a skeleton-lady's pigtails?

Here's The Research.

According to a report in Medical News Today, a new study found "a substantial link" between the nitrates, nitrites and nitrosamines we ingest, and death rates from scary diseases like Alzheimer's, diabetes, and Parkinson's. The authors said, "not only do we consume them in processed foods, but they get into our food supply by leeching from the soil and contaminating water supplies used for crop irrigation, food processing and drinking."

According to the article, nitrites and nitrates are generally carcinogenic, and are found in lots of foods, like cured meats, cheese, beer and water.

So What's Your Reaction?

Don't worry, it's just a one question personality test.

After reading this study:

a. I am now going to drink only water that's purified and tested for nitrates, nitrites, and nitrosamines. I gave up processed foods long ago, but now I'm going to stop buying produce from any source that does not have data on the purity of its water supply, even if it means I have to live solely on beets and alfalfa sprouts and rutabagas grown in my own basement.

b. I don't give a crap. Nitrates, schmytrates, we're all gonna die someday. Pass the bacon!

c. I'm really afraid of Alzheimer's and those other diseases so I'm going to stay up all night worrying about this. And the next night. And probably the next too, unless I read some other study that's even worse. But how can I not panic about this if the poison is already in our water supply? We're all doomed! Doomed!

d. I already try to limit my intake of processed foods. But if I see more studies like this, perhaps I'll try to investigate the safety of my local water supply and consider a filtration system or bottled alternative if it turns out it's especially funky. Otherwise, there's not much I can do!

e. What kind of a horsesh*t study is this? I clicked on the link and looked at the methodology. They looked at the timelines for increase in fertilizer use, and the increasing death rates, and then concluded that there's a cause and effect relationship? Aren't there a million other lifestyle changes during this period that could also be responsible?

f. Nitrates? Did you just say something about nitrates? I thought this was supposed to be about Zombies.

What's Your Coping Style for dealing with Annoying Research?

Note: it is quite possible to combine strategies, so you may have more than one answer.

If you answered a, you may be an Extreme Health Activist! To prevent anxiety and/or premature death, you do every freakin' thing you can think of to limit your health risks. Upside: to the extent these studies are right, you may actually live longer. Downside: with all the time-consuming, pain-in-the-ass precautions you take, you need extra years just to come out even!

If you answered b, you may be a Devil-May-Care Hedonist! To prevent Annoying Health studies from spoiling your fun, you just ignore them. Who cares what a bunch of bespectacled lab geeks say is good or bad for you? Upside: Fun! Fun! Fun! Downside: sometimes, the studies all say the same things and if you ignore them you may croak early.

If you answered c, you may be a Professional Worrier. It's not that you enjoy worrying exactly, but it's such a natural state you prefer to freak yourself out rather than take concrete action to minimize your risks. Upside: Well, not a whole lot, but it's treatable! See your local shrink or consult an anxiety self-help book. Downside: Worrying about your health is actually bad for your health. Which will make you worry more about your health which will...

If you answered d you may be a Lifestyle Pragmatist. You do what you can to minimize risks, but you're not going to spend a whole lot of time panicking over things you can't control. Upside: you maintain a good balance between virtue and Fun. Downside: You will rarely be a Trendsetter or an Amusing Nutball, and thus might never get your 15 minutes on Jerry Springer or Oprah.

If you answered e you may be a Perennial Research Skeptic. (D's and E's frequently occur together). You don't take the conclusion of a study or an "expert" seriously until you have some notion of how reliable the underlying data is. You may or may not have any clue what makes for reliable data (and may even think a peer-reviewed journal is something fisherman read), but you do know that you can't believe everything you read. Upside: less likely to worry about bogus health hazards. Downside: often over-analytical and kinda tedious at cocktail parties.

If you answered f you are... Normal! What are you doing reading Cranky Fitness? Instead of boring health news, you could be finding out which movie stars are cheating on each other and what Michelle Obama was wearing last night!

What's your coping style? Worried about nitrosamines or zombies attacks or do you take it all in stride?

Friday Menu Special: Plenty of Bologna!

Ever Notice? Everything Just Tastes Better on a Tray!

Actually, it's "Bologna Lite" this week (did you know it even comes Fat Free?).

Unfortunately, Crabby is finding that Real Life Responsibilities are interfering with her compulsive web surfing scholarly research on Health Issues. Will she get back on track or is she heading down the slippery slope of Blog Slackitude? Only one way to find out--stay tuned to Cranky Fitness over the weeks and months to come! In the meantime, here's the usual Friday Fare, with far fewer calories but packed with tons of healthy preservatives.

Nitrites and Nitrates: Our new Best Friends?
Hidden within an article with the innocent title "Eating Your Greens Could Prove Life-Saving If A Heart Attack Strikes," was some news that Crabby found totally freaky. This study (which involved administering nitrite to mice) apparently suggested "that the chemical nitrite, found in many vegetables, could be the secret ingredient in the heart-healthy Mediterranean diet."

What?

Isn't nitrite (and nitrates, which are some sort of precursor or something) supposed to be really Evil and Carcinogenic and a good reason to either avoid processed meats or seek out special fancy expensive brands that don't have any?

The article went on to quote the researcher, Dr. Lefer as saying: "recent research has found no convincing evidence that nitrite and nitrate pose a cancer risk." He also noted that Europeans consume nearly 100 times the amount of nitrite and nitrate daily because they eat so many more vegetables. "This large intake of nitrite and nitrate poses no known risks and could certainly help explain why the Mediterranean diet is heart-healthy despite its relatively high fat content," he says. (Lefer hails from Albert Einstein College of Medicine of Yeshiva University; Crabby has no idea if that's impressive or not, not being much of an Einstein herself).

Crabby actually ran into this issue before, when she reviewed some tasty nitrite-free lunch meat. She was sure there would be a ton of recent research saying nitrites were evil, but couldn't find much. She just put it down to her lack of Google skills. Still--seems best to take the "eat more vegetables" part to heart and don't go racing out to load up on lunch-meats. For whatever reasons, heavy consumption of red and processed meats is still thought to raise cancer risk.

Got Milk Thistle?
According to a recent study, silibinin, a compound found in milk thistle, may reduce cancer cell proliferation and help kill off cancer cells. Milk thistle is already a widely used folk remedy used for liver disease. But, well, what does it taste like in coffee?

Something They Don't Show Nearly Enough of On Grey's Anatomy:
The shows self-absorbed doctors-in-training very rarely accidentally poke themselves with needles--but real residents apparently do it all the time. Problem is, they're not reporting it. A survey by researchers at Johns Hopkins found that "99 percent of surgeons-in-training suffered an average of eight needle-stick injuries in their first five years. Of these surgeons, only 49 percent reported the injuries. “We know also that many residents resist reporting because the training culture suggests that needle sticks ‘go with the territory’ and reporting them may lower peer esteem,” said one of the authors. (Via That'sFit).

And so on to Randomness... after only three items of actual Health Research? Yeah, well, Crabby got distracted the pictures of Tree Root Man, which seem to be both disturbing and authentic. Next time you find yourself complaining about your stiff joints... a little perspective.

Hide the Falafel...
So Mary at the always-amusing Sheesh alerted Crabby to this bizarre FBI scheme to catch terrorists by tracking their tahini. According to Jeff Stein of the Congressional Quarterly, "the FBI sifted through customer data collected by San Francisco-area grocery stores in 2005 and 2006, hoping that sales records of Middle Eastern food would lead to Iranian terrorists... The idea was that a spike in, say, falafel sales, combined with other data, would lead to Iranian secret agents in the south San Francisco-San Jose area."

And What the F*ck, More Research on Swearing! You can also thank Mary for finding us a high-brow article in The New Republic, revealing everything one needs to know about cursing, including how the interplay between the neocortex and the limbic system make it particularly effective! As it happens, obscenity is one of Crabby's favorite hobbies, so this was an excellent find.

Perhaps Not as Highbrow...
But not to be missed: Amy's hilarious illustrated account of social discomfort at the gym.

An Exercise Video with No Animals In It?
Crabby tried hard to find some animal fitness footage, but too many of the possibilities this week either seemed (a) boring or (b) a little cruel. So instead of animals, she'll direct you to this strange but amusing competition . And yes, it is Japanese, how did you guess?

Oh Wait, Do These Count?
If you have gotten this far down and are still sampling links, you might be goofy enough to appreciate this bit of cow weirdness. Or you could always take your cursor on a walk with a feisty little dog.

And sadly, that's all for this Friday, but notice how energetic you feel when your not totally stuffed? Anyway, enjoy your nitrites and have a great weekend!

Nitrite Free and Tasty Too: Applegate Farms Lunch Meat

Yes, it's an unsolicited Product Review. And not even a grouchy one.

Note: be careful readers, whenever a blogger is suspiciously enthusiastic about a particular brand-name product. Sneaky sites like this one are out there providing financial incentives for some of these rave reviews. If Crabby ever decides to go over to the Dark Side, she will certainly warn you first so that you can begin ignoring her when she recommends things.

Anyway, Crabby was looking for a subject for a quick easy post this afternoon and realized she'd just eaten one for lunch. She's been looking for nitrite free turkey or chicken lunch meat and has tried several varieties, but frankly, they all tasted weird. Sort of like liverwurst mated with tofu and marinated in plastic.

But at last, she's found one she likes: Applegate Farms Organic Smoked Chicken. This is not to say it tastes like fresh chicken; it tastes like lunch meat. But Crabby means that in a good way: sometimes you feel like that slightly junky, sweet, salty flavor you grew to love if you were, as Crabby was, raised on WonderBread, Best Foods, and Oscar Meyer.

So why Nitrite free? Well, damned if Crabby didn't have a surprisingly hard time trying to answer that question. She's read, she swears, thousands of articles over the years saying you should avoid nitrites; they're a known carcinogen; they'll give you stomach cancer and all kinds of terrible things.

However, when Crabby went to her usual Reputable Resources to find a convincing and definitive link, everyone seemed to get all wishy-washy all of a sudden. The only sources who seemed to have firm opinions had some sort of horse in the race: an anti-nitrite book to sell, perhaps, or a financial connection to the processed meat industry. (She did find this, which at least sounded like it had some research behind it, but she thought there'd be a whole lot more out there).

Does this mean Crabby is going to return to unrestrained nitrite eating? No, though she has to admit to a fondness for the occasional Polish Sausage or Pepperoni Pizza. And Crabby knows that a few minutes on google does not constitute real research, so she is going to assume all those studies she read are out there somewhere. In the meantime, there's Applegate Farms and their tasty luncheon meat. But Crabby will keep her eyes open for any new research that might shed some light on the subject.

And if you've just popped in and missed the previous post, don't forget to go there to vote in the very important reader poll! Why is it important? Because Crabby will be embarrassed if hardly anyone votes and everyone can see she's unpopular! Plus, you have to find out whether Krispy Kremes cause Leprosy.