July 15, 2008

Cranky Fitness Rewrites the Dictionary

[By Merry]
Ever feel like a bit of a fitness square because you're not up on the latest terminology used in fitness circles? Cranky Fitness is here to help. Fitness terms can be confusing, so we've put together an extremely useful innovative lexicon of terms frequently used by experts people like Crabby and me.

Aerobic: flying pen. (See above illustration.)

Brag: (from the speaker's point of view) Perfectly healthy self-expression; (from the listener's point of view) unrealistic description of physical prowess.

Cycle: Wash, rinse, and spin on a washing machine.

Dog: Fur-covered personal trainers, dedicated to getting you out of the house every day to exercise. (alt.) Fur-covered annoyances used by your neighbors to make you clean up your lawn more frequently.

Foot: A unit of measurement. Specifically it measures the amount of discomfort the human body can feel when wearing tight shoes.

Half: A requirement, as in "I half to go to the store; I'm outta milk."

Ironman: Character actor, got bumped from The Wizard of Oz in favor of his light-weight cousin the Tinman.

Jog: A reminder. Something that Crabby has to do to my memory when it comes time to post.

Knee: A joint that divides the leg into upper and lower sections. Specifically designed to keep athletes humble.

A type of dancer, generally perceived as not-quite-respectable.

Marathon: When a TV channel runs several episodes of a television program back to back. Usually occurs over a major holiday when you were hoping to watch something else.

Greek goddess whose devotees are hip, cool, smug, well-shod, and broke.

Olympic trial: Where you end up if you get in trouble with the Attorney General of the state of Washington.

Personal record: An album, such as Barry Manilow's Greatest Hits, that you hide away so people don't laugh at you.

Run: A small tear in your nylons, generally caused by a playful feline and usually discovered when you're late for work and don't have time to change.

Split: What happens to a banana immediately before it is put in a bowl with ice cream and a cherry on top.

Track meet:
A railway junction.

Please feel free to use any and all of these terms the next time you're with a group of tipsy friendly fitness buffs, and they'll think you've been drinking too you'll fit right in.

Any other definitions that we should include in this list? Don't be shy; please feel free to offer suggestions. Remember, you'll be doing your bit to help your fellow fitness buffs on the quest for enlightenment.


  1. These are awesome!

    I wish I had some to add, but I discovered (earlier, when I was asked if I'd like to contribute to this post) that I got nothin! I'm afraid I have to leave the fitness punning to those better qualified.

    I've always thought "fartlek" was a funny word, (since I have the sophisticated sense of humor of a 5 year old), but I'm not sure I want to go there in terms of inventing a definition for it. Yechh.

  2. I was actually going to do Fartlek... as a form of intestinal discomfort experienced by dedicated runners...
    Crabby, we are on the same brain wave today...

  3. Love the definitions. And so true!

  4. Loved this post so much that I stopped lurking. I'm feeling saucy so I'm going to add, but be ready with the groans and the eye-rolls please....

    Crunch: Non-soft component suspended in ice-cream (eg. Heath Bar Crunch)

    Curl: Motion performed on soft furnishings, generally accompanied by hot drink and good book.

    Squat: Tricky manouevre required when presented with unsanitary toilet conditions, eg. at a British music festival

    TA x

  5. Great post - takaiangel has some great additions.
    Extensions - cheap hair accessory worn by tacky celebrities.
    Ok, have to think some more....

  6. Warning: obvious groaners ahead.

    Dumbell: Not-so-bright Southern girl.

    Treadmill: The place where tires are ground up and then poured on playgrounds everywhere.

    Free Weights: Using your friend's pass at the gym to do a workout while she's on vacation.

    Okay, I'll do us all a favor and stop. =)

  7. Very funny!! I would add "Spin": the cycle on my washing machine where it makes all the funny noise and jumps around.

    I think I need a new washing machine;)

    And amen to laughing every time I say Fartlek!

  8. All the definitions are great! The Bag Lady has nothing to add, unfortunately.

  9. I think the comments outshine the post. snicker Thank you!

  10. LOL. This has totally made my morning. So freakin funny.

    My only addition is sprint: what you do when freshly baked chocolate chip cookies come out of the oven.

    (As in sprint towards or, for some, away. I prefer towards.)

  11. (Wonders how to fit this into the exercise themed blog)

    Okay, the word that keeps coming to mind, don't ask why...


    (Disclaimer: My own definitions, not neccesarily accurate.)

    Usually associated with instincts and reactions.

    I like to think of Intestinal Fortitude...bravery...in this case to continue exercising in spite of difficulties. Overcoming barriers.

    I was diagnosed with IBS and Diverticulosis, so simply going for a long walk and taking pictures of the countryside in the early morning before the weather heats up, is considered good and sufficient excercise to me. Therefore this word and definition are relevant to my situation.

    Thanks for listening!

  12. Those are great definitions.:)

    We've got to define fartlek...

  13. motherofmercy you'd think (ok *I* like to think) Id have a witty response but Ive got NOTHING!


    but I liked yours----does that count?!


  14. Spinning: A cycle on my washing machine.

  15. OMG those are hilarious!!
    Tokaiangel-the squat!haha!
    Nothing to add, wish I was that creative!! =)

  16. man, these are hysterical... unfortunately I got nothin' to add though.

  17. Lunge: quickly lean forward and grab your tottering friend who's had too many beers

    Clean and press: washing and ironing

    Dead lift: seance, anyone?

    Chest flies: what happens when you put the Thanksgiving turkey only partly on the table while cutting into the breast meat

    Breaststroke: 2nd base date activity (or is that 3rd? I don't know, whatever)

    This is fun! :)

  18. Ah..Home Run.

    When I'm too lazy to get to the gym, so I jog around the house?

  19. A few more:
    Burpees: wee little burps.
    Pilates: wee little pilots.

  20. Great post, great comments!

    Yoga: (yo-gah) sound made when lifting heavy roast from oven.

    I'm sorry, that's lame.

  21. OK so as a guy here the first one that I thought of was:

    Push-Up: Only the most awesomest bra ever!

    Training: verb. Taking public transportation, as in "are you busing in to work today or are you training it?”

  22. No, no....

    YOGA- Yogie bear's sister!!!

    OK- I'm stupid...I know!!

  23. LOL at post and comments. People are looking at me.

    Nike's brother is the god Adidas, whose earthly visage manifests as Feli Lopez and whom you can hear on your radio as Run DMC.

    "Ever feel like a bit of a fitness square"

    Personally, most of the time I feel like a fitness trapezoid, or perhaps a dodecahedron.

  24. Just off the top of my head:

    Long run: distance to the bathroom when one is sick -- the sicker you are, the longer the run

    LSD: dangerous drug that gives one the illusion of running 15 miles while sitting on the couch doing "curls" and eating "crunch" (see definitions by tokaiangel above)

    Repeats: telling someone over and over how far you could run if you wanted to run

    Intervals: the time between repeats (see above) or between long runs (see further above)

    Splits: what happens when a former runner tries to put on the shorts he/she wore in high school

    Gatorade: unfair advantage in a race because of being chased by a large reptile with sharp teeth

    5K: the average amount of weight that an American gains during any holiday or long weekend

    (As my daughter would say, That was like a joke only not as funny!

  25. Oh my goodness, these are the best comments ever!!!!!

  26. I am all about the Law & Order marathons. You can't pry me off the couch.

    Awesome dictionary!

  27. Wish I was half as clever as some of the other commentators, but I'm afraid I'll just have to laugh at all of these awesome definitions (instead of making up my own terrible ones). :)

  28. Another:

    Runner's high: the result of an LSD

  29. Fun definitions! I love 'em!

    Lift: A mechanical device to transport you vertically when too lazy to take the stairs!

    Hamstring: A string, usually made of cotton, that ties around a pork roast

    Jumping Jacks: A bunch of men in a mosh pit

    Feeling the burn: What happens when you stay out in the sun too long

  30. I'm loving /all/ of these definitions! Damn but I've been outclassed ;)

  31. Resistance training:

    Required of soldiers before they attempt a revolution

  32. Intervals:
    The time when the ads are on TV, giving you time to restock on snacks and drinks so you don't miss any of your show.

  33. Luuurve this post, thanks!

    How about this one (I didn't see it yet, I don't think):

    PYRAMIDS - What the Egyptians built with their Legos

  34. Your blog is great!

    Some others...
    sprint : my cell phone carrier

    chafing : that kind of dish with the hot flame underneath it

    bodyglide : when you put on a pair of socks and run around on wood floors (alt: see "slip 'n' slide" and summer fun)

    tempo : the beat of the song on the radio

  35. awesome list. Just posted proposals for word additions to the dictionary on my blog, too, so looks like we're on the same wavelength.


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