July 31, 2008

Ask Cranky Fitness: The Dog Days & Gym Reality

[By Merry]
Dear Cranky Fitness,

My exercise partner has lost interest. Every time I bring my leash over and wag my tail, she makes some feeble excuse about needing caffeine, a nap, or something called "catching up on my email." I don't want to trade her in for a newer model; it took long enough to get this human trained. How can I convince her to get out in the fresh air with me more often?

signed,
Woman's Best Exercise Partner

Dear Partner,

Clearly some work needs to be done. Have you tried making sure your e.p. doesn't spend her evenings out carousing with other humans instead of turning around three times and lying down at a reasonable hour? In the morning, accidentally wagging the tail a bit too enthusiastically when she's sipping the last drop of coffee in the house might result in a quick sprint to a Starbucks.

Dear Cranky Fitness,

Could you possibly loan me a few million dollars? I could lose weight so easily if I could concentrate on cooking healthy meals and working out 13 hours a day like a super-celebrity. As it is, I have to go to work five days a week, and I come home tired, grumpy, and ready for a Happy Meal in front of the T.V. In the interest of fitness, could I borrow some $? Failing that, got any better ideas?

signed,
I. B. Draggin

Dear I.B.,

No problem! Would you take a check? Hope you don't mind that it's post-dated to January 2024.* (We have to go out and write the best-selling Cranky Fitness Code first. And find a publisher. And bribe Dan Brown so he doesn't sue us for plagiarism. Details.)
While we're waiting for the check to clear, have you considered cooking food on the weekend and storing it in cute little containers? This would also encourage you to bring food from home, which saves you from the urge to splurge on Scottish cuisine. Saving money on food will help you pay the bill for your gym membership. Trust us, sitting on the couch watching reality shows is nothing compared to going to the gym and watching reality.

___________________________________________________
What would you do if you had a recalcitrant exercise partner or an addiction to junk food and T.V.?

*We've been informed by the Cranky Fitness Legal Department that post-dating a check doesn't stop the bank from cashing it anyway. Hope you don't mind if we just move the decimal point on that check over a bit. (No, in the other direction.)


Have a health or fitness question? Then send it to CrabbyMcSlacker at gmail dot com and we'll do our best to provide an answer. (Not necessarily a 'good' answer, but certainly an original one.)

28 comments:

  1. Oh no, I can't believe my sweet dog has learned how to write, and even navigate the US Postal Service (or at the least send an email), I knew she was the smartest dog ever. Funny Post!!

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  2. Alas, cats are fairly useless as exercise motivators. They'd prefer their humans stay home just in case there is any Important Cat Need that might require their attention.

    There have been studies that say dog owners are healthier because they get more exercise--but then the kind of people who want dogs in the first place may start off way healthier.

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  3. hah! I have great exercise for you and a hound. Have said hound pretend you're a stuffy.

    Picture a 68 lbs greyhound deciding that *I* am her stuffy for the day. Then she starts barking and jumping all over me as I lounge on the couch. Tail wagging, paws slapping. then picture me in fits of hysterical laughing because, although I want her to stop, it's so incredibly funny that I can't sound stern enough to say anything.

    Believe me, it's a work out on its own.

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  4. I like Marijke's dog's idea of a workout :)

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  5. Cats are anti-motivators. Just try to get anything done if you are within 10 feet of their fuzzy, purry warm little bodies. Dangerous little critters!

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  6. Hmmm, perhaps Crabby's on to something with the difference between cat and dog owners.... but what about those of us who have both?

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  7. LOl! Please tell me that this will be a regular Cranky feature! Also, you don't need to send me a check. Just sign over a percentage of your royalties from your book sales. Then I'll def. make millions because your book is going to be a best seller!

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  8. They're telling on me? I can't believe it. I'm going to have to talk to those dogs -- I mean -- exercise partners. Geez.

    Great blog, just found you!! :)

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  9. ...and those of us who *would* have both if we weren't allergic to one of them.

    Mary Anne, catless in Kentucky

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  10. Yes, definitely make this a regular feature on Cranky Fitness.

    I LOVED it!

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  11. What about those of us who have dogs that were reincarnated as cats? My cat LOVES to run laps back and forth across my tiny apartment, from the window across the couch, over the armchair, up on the table to the top of the freezer and back. I'd love a dog, but I'm often gone for 12-16 hours at a time and dogs unfortunately haven't figured out the litter box thing. But a doglike-cat works perfectly for me!

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  12. My dog has developed cat-like tendencies. She'll stand in the doorway trying to decide whether she wants to be indoors or out. Or else if I let her out, she'll immediately turn around and want back in again. She's not gotten around to purring yet, luckily.

    We've done a few Ask Cranky Fitness posts in the past, but they don't always get many comments, so I wasn't sure how popular they were.

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  13. Here's my question: How do I in crease the efficacy of my alarm clock? All this week I've gone to bed determined to get up for a run and woken up having pressed snooze a bajillion times and almost late.

    I think I need a foghorn...or no snooze.

    I have a cat who thinks he's a dog too...it's the best of both worlds. I tried to walk him once...not such a good idea. :)

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  14. geosomin - try moving your alarm clock to a different location, or perhaps even just turning it around.

    This has worked for me when I've gotten too used to the sound of my alarm. I would then find myself waking up in the process of trying to hit the snooze.

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  15. I am so bad about packing up healthy snacks. Something I'm trying to work on. It is key for me though to be prepared so temptation doesn't strike to chow down on a McBurger.

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  16. My Westie, though cute as a bug, and high in energy is not much of a running dog... *sigh*
    I guess I MUST go rescue a dog... one that can run with me...

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  17. Awww poor puppy!

    You're hilarious. Can't wait for the next installment of Ask Cranky Fitness:)

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  18. Your Scottish Cuisine link kept me busy for a solid 10mins. Looked up the specials in UK and Australia. How come we dont get Olympic Combos here?

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  19. Great, now I am sad because it just hit me that my boy Kane who just had spinal surgery will probably never be able to go running with me again. Makes me wish I had gone running with him more over the last few years.

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  20. Merry, sounds like your dog with cat-like tendencies and my cat with dog-like tendencies should get together!

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  21. "Saving money on food will help you pay the bill for your gym membership."

    Anyone else having trouble because, in the era of the $490BILLION U.S. deficit, the better the food is for you, the more it costs?

    I swear, I feel like I spend more now on quality protein (the fish, the lo-fat organic dairy, the whey protein isolate) than I used to on classic NYC takeout.

    (Not to whine unduly, but I figure if it were permitted, then this would be the place.)

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  22. My cat is very good at taking me out for a walk around the building every night. We get about half way around and then he spooks, so then we have to run to get back to the safety of the area right in front of my suite.

    If I don't take him out in a timely manner, he pulls on his Siamese side and howls!

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  23. here's one - how do i get the family cat to lose weight?

    kidding, kidding. sort of.

    you ladies are hysterical.

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  24. Really cute way to discuss some real concerns for alot of people.

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  25. I vote regular features, too.

    I also need a dog like Marijke's dog - forced exercise. Who needs motivation when you're being forced to exercise? Perfect.

    WANTED:
    Dog or human for daily exercise task. Requires the ability to throw me around the room, until my muscles ache and I am out of breathe.

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  26. That's what I love to see, real solutions for real problems

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  27. Uh, I think the puppy dog eyes are an extremely good exercise motivator.


    Damn I want a dog though :( A labrador or a golden retriever or (the dream!) a Newfie. We'd go jogging together! And play frisbee! And laugh and have so much fun!

    ...waaaaaah

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