And the Gym Membership Goes To...

Congratulations Zoe, it's yours!

Please email Crabby at crabby mcslacker @ gmail .com (all one word) with your mailing address and we'll have the 24 hour fitness people send you your 90 day gift certificate.

And if it turns out there's anything funky about it, please let us know. We will use our considerable imaginary power and influence to publicize this fact to the entire blogosphere our 12 readers. (We don't want to be giving out prizes that are a pain in the ass). But assuming it's good for what they told us it was and they don't harass you excessively to continue after it expires... have fun at the gym this summer!

24 Hour Fitness Membership Giveaway

This one is pretty cool, because it appears to be a no-strings-attached gift certificate for 90 days at a 24-Hour Fitness gym.

If there turn out to be Secret Strings? Let us know! We don't want to be giving away Stringy Things. But the offer looks very legitimate.

As Far as We Know, This String is NOT Attached.

But what if there's no 24-Hour Fitness near you? Well, this baby is transferable. If you have a needy friend or relative who lives near a 24-Hour fitness, you could look like a Hero.

And suppose you're already a 24-Hour Fitness member? You can still enter. They'd prefer a newbie won, but I asked and technically you can be an existing member and extend your membership 90 days. So let your conscience be your guide--we won't ask if you're already a member.

One caveat: United States only, sorry.

OK, actually there's another caveat: Please don't claim the prize if you don't want the certificate yourself and can't think of anyone you know to give it to. This could be a very nice thing for someone so we don't want it to go to waste. It's summer; it's hot; a nice cool gym to work out in could mean the difference between keeping good habits going and sliding into sloth. If you win and decide you don't want it, let us know and we'll find someone else to use it.

So what do you need to do to win? Well, it's pretty easy.

Instructions:

1. Just leave a comment explaining why a 90 day free gym membership might be helpful to you. You can be sincere and convincing, or smart-assed and amusing, either is good. (Note: this is a not a huge blog, and we're doing this mostly over a sleepy summer weekend, so you're chances are pretty darn good.)

2. Be prepared to CHECK BACK AT CRANKY FITNESS THIS COMING WEDNESDAY the 18th.

3. We will pick a winner, probably at random. On the other hand, if you write a comment that totally cracks us up or that makes it obvious that you would really really appreciate the 3 month membership, we may try to figure out some way of giving you extra credit in the form of additional entries.

4. If you are the winner, email us at Crabby McSlacker @ gmail . com (all one word) within a day or so (lets say by midnight, Friday the 20th, East Coast time) to get further instructions. After that, we may assume you didn't want it that bad and give it to another finalist.

5. You can also go to www.12millionlives.com where 24 Fitness is looking for inspirational stories. If you don't win the 3 month membership, you can console yourself with a 7-day free pass (with inevitable "restrictions," so read the fine print).

5. And don't forget to check over at MizFit's site too, 'cause she's always giving cool stuff away.

Good luck!

Sneaky Tip for Strength Training

So our fit friend Jen got me reading the magazine Experience Life, and they had an interesting strength training tip that I thought I'd steal. It's called "Pausing for Power."

(Hey, it's Recipe Day, so I figured I could get away with something short and of special interest. Those of you who do not Strength Train can go make pasta!)

Anyway, when you are doing a set of yucky strength training exercises, you know how at the end you just physically can not do one more repetition? You tell your muscles "please, just one more!" and your muscles say "ha, ha, ha, sorry, no f*cking way?" This is generally how you know you've finished the set.

At this point, traditionally, you do one of two things. The first option: wait for your muscles to recover enough to do another set. (This can be a boring awkward waste of time unless you're good at multitasking). The second option, if you are lazy like me, is to say "that's over, thank God!" and move onto the next exercise.

Well, it turns out there's a sneaky Third Option:

You just pause and rest at the end of the set for few more seconds (5-10, usually, but up to 30 if necessary) until you can crank out just one more repetition. Then wait a few more seconds, and repeat again-- until you really can't do anymore.

This trick will allow you to either squeeze out more repetitions or use higher weights, and is apparently a good way to increase power and break through plateaus.

(There is supposedly some science behind this, but the source is a guy with a self-published book. He's probably very smart and all, but let's just say it's a "tip," not an authoritative study. The only way to know if it's any good is to see if it works for you.)

The technique works better for certain exercises than for others, and there are some general hints you'll want to find out about. So if you do want to try it, check out the article first.

Here's what I liked about this tip:

It's perfect for slackers like me who generally do only one set but occasionally feel the odd urge for a little bit of extra progress. This way, you're sort of skipping right to the "hard" repetitions at the end of another set, without having to do the whole other set.

It's a little early to tell if it's working for me--I think it is. And it does take a bit of experimentation to figure out how long to wait and which exercises you want to use it for. (Probably not best to use it all the time). But I'm having fun messing around with it. And at the very least, it's a good way to mix things up a bit.

So do any of you read stuff on blogs or in magazines and run out and try them? Any other good tips for strength training you've discovered that either make it more efficient or less loathsome?

Tortoises and Barbells

Or, Tips for Slackers on Keeping Up a Life-long Strength Training Program.

[By Crabby]

In the exercise world, let's say there are tortoises and there are hares.

The hares get insanely excited when they take up exercise, and they attack their challenging workouts with vigor and ambition. They enter races and break personal records and lift heavy weights and aspire to great things!

Fig. 2: Hares in their natural habitat.

Hares have high expectations and they work their (harey) butts off to achieve their goals... for a while. But sadly, many burn out or injure themselves within a few years. And after that? Well, exercise becomes something they "used to do."

The tortoises, on the other hand, are pleased with themselves for getting out the door and accomplishing anything at all. Even if it's a walk in the park or a few bent knee push-ups.

Figure 3: Migrating Adult Tortoises.

Yet these unambitious tortoises often keep exercising for year after year--ensuring themselves lifelong fitness, even if they may never break any records.

(Of course this is a dumb analogy, because there are couch spuds who never attempt anything at all, and there are tons of folks (the horsies?) who can sprint like the wind but also keep at it year after year. Many horsey-type overachievers actually read this blog, though God knows why. Anyway, it's easier to pretend there are just two kinds of people. Fables and blog posts work much better that way.)

It's my belief that over the long haul, it's better to be a tortoise than a hare. Those of you who came out as a Dan Dogged in Merry's exercise quiz may well agree with me.

I am particularly plodding and unambitious when it comes to strength training. I don't like it. I never have. I never will. But I know it's good for me, and I love the way I look and feel when I do it.

After a couple of false starts in my twenties, strength training finally stuck. It's been somewhere between 15 and 20 years now that I've been doing it, whining and bitching the entire time.

How could a Crabby Tortoise like me manage to keep it up for almost two decades?

(Thanks, TK for the image!)

Here are the things that have worked for me. Your mileage may vary, especially if you are not by nature a Tortoise:

1. Set laughably attainable goals.
After an initial year or so of respectable strength gains and even a bit of buffedness, I shifted my goal to this: attempt to maintain that level of strength every year until I croak. Now my fantasies (at least the ones I can print) may involve continued strength gains and looking like a female action hero from a Hollywood movie, but my goal is to just hang on to what I accomplished that first year.

Some things I actually do better now than I did then, but this is a bonus, not an expectation.

2. Aim for strength training three times a week--but admit that never happens and settle for two.
Or sometimes one. Or sometimes zero.

I don't freak out if vacations or injuries or a hectic schedule prevent me from staying on track for a few weeks. I just make myself drag my ass back to those weights. However, I do ratchet all the weights back a notch or two and work my way back slowly. Impatience, I've learned, just means hurting myself all over again.

Twice a week really does seem to be enough to hang on to the strength I have. For every layoff, there's usually an equal period of renewed dedication and thrice weekly sessions. Eventually, I always get back to baseline.

3. Avoid exercises I hate.
Sometimes, due to injury or lousy gym equipment options, I will have to incorporate an especially loathed exercise into my routine for a few months. Even if it's just one thing ("wall sits" are an example) I will start dreading my entire workout and start skipping out.

I've discovered that for me, it's better to quit doing one exercise than all of them. Eventually, I'll find a substitute. There is almost no yucky exercise that does not have a less yucky alternative, it just sometimes takes a while to find it.

4. Stick to One Set
I read some research a long time ago (which may be the study cited here) that said 3 sets doesn't help you much more than one does. Instead of adding more sets, just keep lifting heavier weights for better results.

Is it still true or has other research contradicted it? Guess what? I don't f*cking care! Three sets would make me three times as miserable working out. I have achieved the optimum level of miserableness already, thank you. Any more and I'd stop working out entirely.

There is one exception to the One Set rule however...

5. Have One "Fun" Goal

Since I mainly work on a maintenance program, I can get discouraged when I notice that I'm not ever actually getting better at anything. So sometimes I pick one or two things and put in some extra effort and make some progress! It's quite motivating. This may mean additional sets, though I usually then do a different variation of the exercise rather than the same damn thing over and over again.

Note: if I ever achieve an unassisted pull-up, I will certainly let you know.

6. Try new things... or not.
Variety is good, and I like to experiment with things I read about in magazines or on people's blogs. Particularly if they sound easy, or replace something I don't much like, or claim to prevent some injury I'm prone too.

On the other hand, I have certain exercises I almost like. Should I be trying different versions of them? Probably mixing it up would get me better results. But if I keep wanting to come back to my favorite way of doing it, then screw variety. I'd rather keep doing my favorite and hate my workout less.


What about you? Are you a tortoise or a hare or a spud or a horsie? What keeps you going year after year?

Losing Your "Cool"

[By Crabby]

I suppose I shouldn't admit this, but one of my favorite things about exercising (and there aren't that many) is the "coolness" factor.

Sure, we're supposed to just do it for our health and our sense of accomplishment or whatever. Because we're all far too secure and self-confident and evolved to care what other people think of us.

But for me, feeling cool and smug is one of the best parts of getting exercise! I know there must be others like me too, aren't there? We imagine that our sedentary friends who find out we go to the gym at 6am, or even complete strangers in cars who see us running uphill in pouring rain are thinking: wow, I could never make myself do that! (Instead they are more likely thinking "what a crazy freak," but that's irrelevant. We know we're cool).

(How Crabby Imagines Herself When She Exercises)

Imagined Coolness is part of what makes those intervals and sore muscles and early wake-up times worth it. Look at me! I'm exercising! Isn't that awesome! Don't I rock?

(Closer to How Crabby Actually Comes Across)

When Even Imagined Coolness is Impossible

Unfortunately, some exercise situations are NOT conducive to even an imagined sense of coolness. I'm sure everyone has their own list. Are there ever times when you feel particularly self-conscious about your workout?

I'd love to hear what your own personal Un-favorites are. In the meantime, here are mine:


Top Six Ways to Feel Uncool Exercising

1. Do Stupid-Looking Stretches Outside of a Class.

If you're in an actual yoga or other fitness class, with an instructor and a bunch of other helpless victims students, you can practically bend over and stick your head up your ass (if you are flexible) without feeling stupid. Because the instructor told you to stick your head up your ass, and so you're supposed to, and everyone else is doing it too!

However, what happens when you are not in class but instead are out on your own in the tiny stretching area in the corner of the gym? And all around you are burly weight lifters and snotty type-A executives on treadmills who have not themselves ever been to stick-your-head-up-your-ass class? Do you still go right ahead and do it?

One of my least least favorite stretches for public consumption is, I think, called the Cat Stretch. You get on all fours and curl your back up towards the ceiling (not too bad), but then you do the opposite and drop your stomach towards the floor and stick your rear end way up in the air like an animal in heat. Unfortunately, it is the second part of this stretch, the butt-in-the-breeze part, that I most need to do to loosen up my tight lower back muscles.

My other least favorite is the iliotibial band stretch, in which you cross your legs and do a side stretch. I look like a six year old child who desperately needs to pee. But if I don't cross my legs, I don't get much of a hip stretch.

See, Even Cute People Look a Bit Silly Doing This
(Photo: Dr. Pribut, provider of handy Sports Medicine tips).

Sometimes I close my eyes when I do these stretches so no one can see me.

2. Go Race Walking

I've written about race walking before, (twice) so I won't belabor it.

Let's just say I saw finally saw someone else besides me race-walking a few weeks ago. And my immediate gut-level uncensored reaction was: "what an asshole!" The guy was doing it much more gracefully than I ever do, too. But there seems to be no way to race-walk without looking simultaneously prissy and deranged, unless maybe you're doing it in an official race with a number on your chest.

3. Try New Things at the Gym

It's supposed to be good to try new things, right? And it's no problem if you have a personal trainer to introduce appropriate new exercises and show you how to do them.

But what if you're too cheap to hire one and prefer to read about new exercises on the internet that sound cool but you have no clue how to do them in real life?

I have too many examples of this to list them all... but here's one: not long ago I read a very persuasive article about the amazing benefits of running backwards on the treadmill.

It's, um... somewhat harder than it sounds.

4. Exercise Out of Context

You're standing on a platform waiting for a train or whatever. There are lots of people around, but plenty of space still available. You realize you could be making efficient use of this wasted time by doing the stretching you forgot to do for the last three days, or, if you're particularly willing to look like a jerk, knocking out some jumping jacks or push-ups.

Do you?

There are stealth moves, like pretending to tie your shoes to stretch out your hamstrings, but if you do it without bending your knees you still look kinda funny.

If you have a co-conspirator, I've discovered, you feel less doofy exercising out of context, but it's surprisingly hard to do alone, even if it's a perfectly logical thing to do.

5. Make Peculiar Clothing Choices

Hey, 10776-- Orange hat with a red shirt? Don't think so!

(Photo by Marganz)

Sometimes these fashion violations are not intentional. Ever realize that all your running clothes are in the laundry and too toxic for the "shake-it-out and pretend it's clean enough" recovery method?

Do you skip your workout? Or do you do it anyway, wearing something tattered and sweat-stained, or originally intended as a gag gift, or belonging to another person who may be a child or your 83 year old mother-in-law or someone 10 inches taller than you?

Note: it does not help you look like less of a weirdo to announce loudly to no one in particular that you don't normally dress like this.

6. Karaoke Syndrome

The only way to truly make aerobic exercise enjoyable, in my opinion, is to do it to the pounding beat of music on an mp3 player. I do NOT sing along when people are around (though I may sometimes be forced to mouth the lyrics silently to myself if the beat is too good).

But sometimes I find myself alone first thing in the morning, and the street or the trail or the track or whatever is deserted, and I think... what the hell.

How liberating to sing along with the rockin' beat! It makes aerobic exercise almost fun! Wheeee!

And so what if you're middle-aged, can't carry a tune, and will sing along to just about anything on your playlist? It's fun!

"You and me baby we ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..."

"Can't you hear the music pumpin' hard like I wish you would?
Now push it, push it reeeeeal good..."

Why is it that the more inappropriate the lyrics are, the more likely someone is to come bounding around a blind curve or pass you sneakily from behind?

Nothing like discovering your off-color warbling has been audible.


Does anyone else ever feel hopelessly Uncool during your workout?

Five Good Reasons To Quit the Gym

This next guest post is by Monica Shaw--she's a freelance writer who hosts the very informative health and fitness website, smarterfitter.com.

I was on an elliptical machine watching an episode of MTV Cribs when it dawned on me: "this is totally lame." What the hell was I doing sweating my ass off in a dingy gym full of boneheads and bad techno? Why was I mindlessly watching bad TV? And worst of all, why was I paying for the privilege?

That day, I ended my workout early and cancelled my gym membership. It was time to take Fleetwood Mac's advice and go my own way.

It's obvious to me now that the gym and I were in a co-dependent relationship: I depended on the gym to not feel like a lard-ass; the gym depended on me for a small percentage of its monthly allowance. Like all unhealthy relationships, it took me a while (four years) to figure this out, but now that we're apart, I feel happier and healthier for it.

How about your relationship with the gym? It it on the skids? If so, here are a few good reasons to consider a clean break:

1. The gym messes with our goals

Summer shape up!
Get yourself a beach bum!
Get ripped!!

The gym advertises two extremes, get big or get small, then reminds us that we're not big or small enough. In response, we exercise to burn more calories or lift heavier weights. Just look at the weight bench for an example: weight lifters often sacrifice their form (and their poor backs) to lift more pounds than they can correctly manage.

Most of us start going the gym because we want to be healthier and more comfortable in our own skin. But when progress is measured in numbers, it's easy to forget why we joined the gym in the first place. Instead of confidence, we get negative feedback. and sometimes forget our goals altogether. It's good for the gym, because it keeps us (or at least our membership dues) going back. But is it healthy for us?

2. Gym memberships are really expensive

A recent study in the American Economic Review (appropriately titled Paying Not To Go to the Gym) found that, given a choice of contracts, most gym users will pick a monthly contract over a yearly or per-use contract. Over a year, users pay an average of $71 per month but go to the gym about 4.7 times per month. That's $15 per visit, and $852 per year! Think of all the things you could do with $852: buy a really sweet bike, go on a vacation, take Spanish lessons... the possibilities are endless, and far more valuable in the long run.

3. The gym requires exercise

By definition, exercise is "an activity that requires physical or mental exertion". The term implies strenuous effort, like paying attention to a boring lecture or solving a difficult math problem. In effect, but something we have to earn by performing repetitive tasks that we don't enjoy very much. But shouldn't physical fitness be a fundamental right of existence? Wouldn't it be better to simply be active in our every day lives?

Life is full of boring obligations, like lectures and tax forms; physical fitness shouldn't be among them.

4. The gym woos us into a lifetime of gym dependence

Binding contracts aside, the gym fools us into believing we need it in order to stay fit. Thus begins a hideous cycle where it's okay to drive the car half a mile to pick up a gallon or milk, or stay glued to our seats in front of a computer 8 hours a day -- we can simply make up for inactivity (not to mention the ills of the food industry) at the gym.

It seems a pity to spend the day engaged in sub-par activities, only to have to make up for it with another sub-par activity. The gym is an easy way out, so we stop challenging ourself to be active in other ways. It's a strange paradox: has the gym actually made us lazier?

5. The gym burns "empty" calories

Like the opposite of a can of Coke, the gym offers little more than a calorie deficit. For example, the most dominant feature of my former gym is a row of TVs facing the cardio machines. Here's a typical line-up: "Pimp My Ride", "My Super Sweet 16", music videos, Sky News, and sports. Grown-ups, bankers, educated types... we all watch this crap! Sometimes we try to avoid it with iPods and magazines, but is that really the way to enjoy music and reading? Wouldn't it be nicer to curl up on the couch with tea and a good book then go for a long walk in the park afterwards? Why take two otherwise good things like reading and fitness and make them less good by putting them together?

By trading the gym for more mentally rewarding activities like walking outdoors, it's possible to get more from "exercise" than a calorie deficit. Even if "more" is a bit of sunshine or a nice chat, chances are you'll feel better about life than if you spent that time in the gym.

Admittedly, not every gym-goer is a zombie on a treadmill. There are a few good reasons to stick with the gym if it works for you. Here are some examples:

A few good reasons stick with the gym

• You have a gym buddy
• You like to swim and your gym has a pool
• You use your gym's group exercise courses (yoga, pilates, etc.)
• You live in a shitty climate
• You're new to exercise and require the help of a personal trainer
• You're training for something cool (marathon, triathalon, iron man, spam toss)
• You enjoy lifting weights but don't have the space or cash for a home gym

Ask Cranky Fitness: muscles, sex, and weight loss

[By Crabby and Merry]

No Way! There's Actually Something Inside?

This is a special edition of Ask Cranky Fitness. Why is it special? Because it features Three Real-Life Reader Questions! These were sent in by actual blog readers, as opposed to imaginary blog readers, who are much more likely to seek our advice.

Note: if you decide to send in a question to Cranky Fitness, be warned: our answers will probably not be helpful. We are not experts. If you have an important question, ask your Doctor or Mental Health Professional. However, if you do have a question and don't care if we inadvertently make fun of you while answering it, feel free to send it in. Because sometimes the folks in the comments section have some really good advice.


Dear Cranky Fitness,

If I'm strength training two days a week on Monday and Friday, do you think that's enough to see results or do you think the days need to be closer together, say Monday and Wednesday? Do I need to add an additional day as well?

The reason I ask: I HATE strength training by myself. Usually, I wimp out and thus never reap the benefits. There's a great strength training class at my gym, but I can only make the Monday and Friday morning classes. Am I wasting my time?

Sincerely,
Muscle Obsessed from the Midwest


Dear Muscle Obsessed,
If you are at the gym lifting heavy things, that's never a waste of time! Especially when you could be home lifting jelly donuts or cheeseburgers and devouring them instead of working out.

However, in my experience, you have to balance out the Loathsomeness of weight training with its Effectiveness. For me, personally, two times a week is enough to maintain strength gains, but I need to go more like 3 times a week for a while to build strength in the first place. My personal weight training plan: an endless cycle of Ambitious Building followed by Inevitable Slacking--at least until the smart scientists invent a muscle-creating pill. Or better yet, a muscle-creating cookie.

If you're building muscle and gaining strength with two times a week and a class you really enjoy, then hooray for you, that's good enough! But if you're stuck and not getting results, it may be time to venture beyond the safety and comfort of your class and add some solo workouts. I'd suggest getting the help of a Friendly Personal Trainer for your first few times, so you can learn all the equipment and discover that many of the Intimidating Gym Rats aren't even actually doing it right.

Good luck with those muscles!

---Crabby

Dear Muscle Obsessed,

I could just hear the enthusiasm when you mentioned that great class on Mondays and Fridays. Is there some other way to generate enthusiasm like that about weight lifting? Like using a Friendly Personal Trainer, as Crabby suggests, but make it an F.P.T. who is reeeeeally cute. Or is there a friend, maybe someone from that great class, whom you can persuade to join you on Wednesdays? If all else fails, set a goal that you want to achieve, such as lifting XXX amount before June. Tell your most sarcastic and critical in-laws co-workers what you're planning to achieve. I mean, hell, you don't want them snickering come June, do you? Fear of ridicule is not the nicest means of self-motivation, but you're going to feel really good about yourself when you make the goal!

-- Merry

Dear Cranky Fitness,

I'm hoping that you can offer some advice on the dreaded, and age old topic of Male/Female interaction at the gym. I go to the gym everyday, usually at the same time of day, and I see the same people over and over again when I am there. In particular, I see a woman, and she is, as the saying goes 'a slammin' hottie'.

Now, I know all about the taboos associated with health club chat ups. I get it, completely. No one goes to the gym to get hit on, and if you try it, you are likely to get branded as 'THAT GUY'. No one wants to be "THAT GUY". To avoid it, I usually pretend that the hot women in my gym don't exist.

Slammin Hottie and I have never spoken, however, for about two weeks, when working out, we have been having some serious eyeball foreplay. Lots of coy smiles, nods, and bedroom eyes. Is this enough to break protocol and make an approach? And how do you talk to someone without being interruptive?

Should I just forget it? Or is there a way to make a move and not look like a douche?

Many thanks,
Gym Guy


Dear Gym Guy,

Congratulations for picking a topic, "Flirtation Etiquette for Attractive Heterosexual Gym-Goers" on which I am spectacularly unqualified to comment! Yet I can't help but offer a few thoughts. Just ignore the fact I have no idea what I'm talking about.

First off, you get Extra Credit for even realizing there's an issue of appropriateness. Many women, whether Slammin' Hotties or not, report plenty of Clueless Approaches by guys who never consider that their advances might not be welcome--or who do consider the possibility but don't give a crap.

As you suspect, approaching her while she's rocking out to her iPod and in the middle of doing something strenuous is probably a mistake. While startling her and causing her to tumble off the treadmill or drop a barbell on your head might make a great "meet cute" scene in a movie, it real life it might kinda suck for you both.

My guess--straight girls, please help me out here--is that guys are still kind of expected to make the first move, and I don't know that a single woman would be horrified to be approached at her gym in a friendly, non-sleazy way by a guy who seems nice if she's not in the middle of something.

Suggestion: innocuous questions like: "Do you know if the gym's open on Easter?" might work somewhat better than "Wow, you're a slammin' hottie! Want to take a ride on my elliptical tonight?"

And do keep in mind that if she shoots you down, you've now turned your daily workout space into a Ongoing Rejection Reminder. Especially if you strike out but some Really Douchey Gym Dude swoops in and scores. So you may want to think hard about whether Slammin' Hottie is worth risking gym peace of mind for.

---Crabby

Dear Gym Guy,

Speaking from the Heterosexual corner, my best advice would be to try the Zen approach. No, I don't mean contemplate your navel, or hers either (at least, not obviously). Is there some Middle Path between being polite-but-distant and totally hitting on her? Can you, in short, get to know her in the non-Biblical sense of the word?

Small talk can be helpful here. Try asking her a question as she finishes her workout or while she's waiting to use some equipment. If she's listening to tunes, ask her about what music she likes to work out to. However, if she happens to mention casually that her iPod was a gift from her professional-football-playing boyfriend, take this as A Sign and stick to being a gym buddy. Whatever you do, don't come on too strong right away. You don't want to come across as an arrogant jerk or as a Nice Guy™. Take the Middle Path, grasshopper.

-- Merry


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I want to lose 60 pounds. It's the same 60 pounds that I have lost and regained 3 times in the past 10 years. Obviously, I need more than just diet and exercise...I need some of that--what do you call it?--behavior modification (or maybe just to have my frontal lobe removed!)

Anyway, my question for you is this: how do I do this? Do you have any suggestions? I've been looking into the weight management center at the University of XXXXXX, but it's not cheap and I'm not really sure how I'd do it when it's a XXX hour drive, round trip. Maybe I'm searching for a needle in a haystack. I know when it really comes down to it, I'm the only one who can help me.....I just need a shove or something! I just turned 40 and I really don't like myself a whole lot at the moment! Anyway, any advice or suggestions would be appreciated!

--Looking for Help


Dear Looking,

First off, if you have managed to lose 60 lbs three different times you are a very strong, very determined person with lots of willpower! You should be proud of yourself for these accomplishments, even if you find yourself struggling again. It's HARD to keep weight off, and the fact that you have the courage to try this again says a lot about your strength of character. Good for you for not giving up.

I'm hoping folks might help out in the comments section with more specific advice and encouragement. I suspect there are lots of people who can relate.

I'm not sure about the particular behavioral weight loss program; you're probably best off talking to people who've been through it. There are some good Cognitive Behavioral self-help books out there you might want to try--Judith Beck's The Beck Diet Solution is one I hear good things about.

Just generally, I'm guessing you've probably heard most of the standard advice already: take it gradually, limit portions but don't starve yourself, exercise, write things down, confront self-defeating thoughts, eat healthy nutritious food, seek social support, etc. I'd just add this:

Don't be too hard on yourself! I suspect there's some perfectionism/fear of failure lying behind your relapses, and trying to do your best each day and sticking with it is way more important than having "perfect" days.

And, if emotional issues or depression or low self-esteem are contributing to your weight issues (also really common and nothing to be ashamed of) counseling can really help. Often universities with counseling programs have interns who don't charge too much.

Good luck, and again, be proud of yourself for not giving up!

---Crabby

Dear Looking,

Oh, give up already.

There. Didn't that feel good? Well, it felt good for the moment. At least, it felt good when I did it. The problem is that I always have to face the fact that I'll need to get up and keep going after I give up.

I'm in the position here that Crabby was in the hetero-dating question. I am not pleased with my current shape at all, having completely slacked off over the winter. All I know to do is a) learn to like myself as I am now (not the shape, the person), b)exercise every day, no excuses, c) eat five servings of those damn green leafy things before I eat anything that tastes good.

Once, when I was wandering through blogland, I happened upon Pasta Queen's blog Half of Me. Being eager to avoid cleaning my house increase my knowledge, I read through the archives that chronicle her attempt to lose 200 pounds. She had several false starts when she first began blogging. But as I read further, I got to the point where I felt sure she was going to make her goal. At one point, she mused that she was more interested in the running and other activities, than in losing weight. I wanted to stand up and cheer when I read that, because that made it certain that she wasn't going to give up. The point should not be to lose weight, the point should be to enjoy life, damn it.

Oh -- sorry, I got so caught up in lecturing myself, I forgot where I was. I'm going to get off this soap box now; it's rather rickety. All I can say is that people have managed to lose that much weight and keep it off. Keep going!

- Merry

Old People Are Kicking My Ass

[By Crabby]

Sure, she looks so nice and all...

I already wrote about this over a Diet Blog, but what the heck. This is Cranky Fitness, not Diet Blog, so I can write about the same thing all over again! Plus I was far too cheerful about the situation over there. Here, well--this blog has strict limits on cheerful, especially when Merry's out of town.

So I'm temporarily living in a retirement community (long story) and have been working out at the old folk's gym. I figure the average age of my fellow gym-goers is probably somewhere in the seventies. Many of them are in their 80's or even 90's.

And for the most part, it's been a really pleasant surprise. Unlike younger gym rats, these people are extremely friendly and chatty and fun to be around. The ones who are just in better-than-average shape for a 87 year old (or whatever) are very quick to compliment you for not being 87 years old yourself. "Wow, look at that," they'll say, when you crank up the treadmill to a slow run, "you go so fast!"

Weirdly enough, these nice compliments can make you feel almost like you do go really fast. So you smile and blush and mumble something incoherent. Because you can't really say "actually, I'm not fast at all, I'm just not 87 years old." That wouldn't be very nice.

But here's the problem: I now understand what it must be like to be the only guy working out with a bunch of women. Even though it's not rational, and it's offensive stereotyping blah blah blah, somehow, I still subconsciously feel like since I'm much younger than these folks, I should be able to kick their asses at everything.

I should run faster. I should lift more. I should be more flexible.

But guess what? Many of them are faster, stronger and more flexible than I am and I kinda hate that.

It's pretty damn motivating though, I gotta say. When some guy in his 80's starts jogging on the treadmill next to me, I want to jog faster than him, even though he's in better shape than I am. When some woman can do squats with big bar bells balanced on her shoulders, I want to learn how to do that too instead of just using the wimpy leg press machine which I've been perfectly content with up until now.

My competiveness is pathetic, of course, but I'm hoping it might come in handy.

As it happens, we'll be moving cross-country in a couple weeks, and I won't be back to the Retirement Gym until next winter. I'm gonna really miss working out with some of the seniors, of whom I'm growing very fond.

But in the meantime I'm going to think about kicking up my workout intensity a bit so I can come back next year and kick some senior ass.

(Seriously--it's great to discover what great shape you can be in if you keep it up into your senior years.)

Anyone have any thoughts on aging and exercise?

Random Friday

[By Crabby]

Sorry About the Mess!
I've been trying to change my template, and what looked fine on my computer is apparently a disaster on everyone else's. Will do my best to get things up and running soon! Anyway, on to the Randomness..

Tired of Good Food/Bad Food?
If so, then you may not want to read about how regular consumption of grapefruit might increase breast cancer risk. Or even that there's more good news about extra virgin olive oil. (Recent research suggests it may help prevent cell aging, osteoporosis, and cancer. However, the headline seems to promise more than the article delivers--I like olive oil anyway so I'm totally prepared to believe it'll cure anything).

Oh, and there's also more confirmation that oatmeal is really good for you. Too bad I just don't like it at all unless it's a cookie. A hot bowl of oatmeal? Blechh. But I know all the rest of you love it in all its bland gloppy glory, so don't mind me. (Note: the oatmeal item was discovered while browsing the Happy Hospitalist--a cool blog written by a hospital internist who, like me, has lots of opinions but who, unlike me, actually knows something about medicine).

Which Gym is Best: Big Chain Or Local Place?
According to Consumer Reports, your best bet may be a local gym, not a national chain. The New York Times Blog has more, noting that "national chains were often criticized for long wait times for machines, problems with contracts or fees, poorer cleanliness and less adequate locker rooms than other gyms."

As someone who has taken a lot of road trips, I've visited many Wonderful and Awful gyms--and the chaininess or locallyness of them didn't seem to figure in much. My recommendation? Take advantage of day passes and work out a couple of times before you sign up anywhere, national or local. No huge nationwide survey is going to tell you whether the gym down the street will keep the temperature sauna-like or blare weird music at you or have friendly instructors or great equipment or long waits or smelly locker rooms. Gotta find that stuff out yourself before you fork over big money.

Fat Because You're Broke?
It's no secret there's a link between obesity and socio-economic factors. But for a great no-holds-barred exploration of why these two often go together like coffee and Krispy Kremes, you have to check out this post (and the follow-up) over at Violent Acres.

For example: "Celebrities aren’t wearing size 00’s because they possess more self discipline or willpower than you....These people aren’t better than you. They’re richer than you and it’s likely that they spent more on their bodies than you made last year."

I was new to Violent Acres, and liked the screw-it-all honest style of writing, so I went to look for the comments section so I could suck-up and maybe siphon off some new readers share my appreciation of her writing, but guess what? No comments. Want to know why? Check out her FAQ:

"Why don’t you allow comments on your site? Why don’t you post your email address?"

"Because I don’t want to interact with you...I don’t want to feel obligated to reply to your boring emails. I don’t want to take time out of my day to moderate your silly little comments... Networking is just a fancy way to say ass kissing and a link from you is not important enough to me that I’d actually pretend to like you."

Damn, she saw me coming!

Another Reason Why Crabby Will Never Appear on Jeopardy:
Besides not knowing much about anything, I apparently have an appalling slow reaction time. This slightly addictive self-test is billed as way to figure out if you're tired, but even wide awake, I discovered I suck relative to other people when it comes to reaction time. I tested two different times of the day--didn't help. The thing that's cool about this is that it counts the milliseconds and you get instant feedback as your time gets better or worse. When it's over, they tell you what's average--which for some of us, can be really depressing.

And This Is Why Crabby Will Never Ever Get on A Roller Coaster:
This is either a very funny or very painful video, depending on how much of an anxious wreck you are. Being the high-anxiety type myself, I treated it as an Dire Warning: do not EVER let anyone talk you into doing something you know is going to scare the crap out of you. (How's that for personal development advice? All you "face your fears head on" folks can count me the f*ck out).

Anyway, check out this poor newscaster try to be a good sport and do a live report on a new roller coaster. (Note: it takes about 2 minutes to get to the good/horrible stuff, but it's worth it, and as usual, turn the sound down).

Don't Lie: LOI.
So there is now a new movement to stamp out the misleading and inauthentic use of the acronym "LOL" by web users who are not actually laughing out loud. The use of "LOI," (Laughing on the Inside) is suggested as a replacement, and this is an idea which Cranky Fitness heartily endorses.

And finally, a gratuitous Lolcat psychological test:


(Plenty more lolcat silliness at icanhascheezburger)

So have a great Friday everyone!

Icky Fitness Ad Roundup

Usually, it's fun to see advertisements for healthy products and services. You know, like running shoes or organic natural food, cool gym equipment, bikes, or whatever. We love to see the great gadgets and cute outfits and sturdy functional gear and all these happy people! They're all working out in gorgeous settings doing the very things we're trying to motivate ourselves to do--but suddenly it looks like a blast, not drudgery.

But then there are the other ads--the ones that make you want to take your healthy little magazine and shred it, spit on it, and then set the whole mess on fire. Or at least sigh and grumble a bit.

Now Cranky Fitness could fund an expedition out to the local newsstand to dig some of these up--but well, we'd rather just steal from acknowledge the contributions of some of our favorite bloggers who have found some awful ones already.

Faux Elitism: Let's Trash the Joggers!

First up: Katieo over at Sister Skinny had a great post about this obnoxious ad campaign by Pearl Izumi. (Note: coincidentally, Katie and the two authors of Cranky Fitness all happen to own this brand of shoe. Since I can barely ever find them in a store (and won't be looking quite as hard now), this was a surprising discovery. Are bloggers naturally attracted to pretentious shoes? If it's any excuse, none of us had seen the ads before we bought them.)

Anyway the point of the ad is to separate the wild, daring, dangerous, heroic "runners" from the lazy, boring, half-assed "joggers." You're supposed to identify as a runner, no matter how slow you yourself go, and look down on mere joggers. The ad portrays runners as "endangered" by all those joggers messing up the purity of their running experience by merely existing.

Not sure if you're a runner or a jogger? Some tips: if you do your "running" on a treadmill or with a stroller or an iPod, sorry, you're not really a runner. (You may, however, be a runner and own a plasma tv or an expensive car). The answer, if you're a poor pathetic jogger and want to be a runner? Just go faster--and buy their shoes.

Yeccch. Wouldn't it be great if they were pushing health and fitness for everyone, not just the "special" people? Why do they feel their experience is cheapened if others are allowed to have it too? Jogging is great exercise! Screw you, Pearl Izumi.


"Fit" Women

Kelly at Fitness Fixation found this ad for Champion products--which looks kind of normal until you check out the width of the women's arms (particularly the one in the blue shorts). Kelly has a great rant not only on model selection but on the general assumption that women should aspire to be skinny, not muscular.

It's annoying enough when underwear or high-fashion models look dangerously thin and/or airbrushed. But when you're in the sports clothing industry, wouldn't it be nice to pick a few women who look like they could lift a ten pound weight or even a can of Diet Coke without breaking an arm?


Women as Scantily Clad Cuts of Meat:

This skeezy ad for Equinox Fitness Clubs was spotted by Leslie, who has a great blog called The Weighting Game over at iVillage. (She has also written a book, making me jealous, about women and body image called "The Locker Room Diaries.")

The ad is awful enough as is, with a collection of vapid, plastic, women-as-pieces-of furniture. (Why in the world does anyone aspire to be furniture?) But what I would have missed, had she not pointed it out, was the fact that these women have been marked up like pieces of meat with a marking pen. It's creepy and confusing, too--does anyone have any idea why that's supposed to make you want to go to the gym?

And Finally, Combining The Most Loathsome Elements of All the Rest: the Anti-Gym!

Amy at Shaping Up My Life directed us to this rather amazing gym. Or sorry, anti-gym. No, wait, it's "Denver’s only health and vanity lifestyle boutique!" Think that's weird? Oh, hang on, it gets weirder.

Like the Pearl Izumi people, they need their second class citizens, the "chubbies," to make fun of. Naturally though, you can have your beer gut and still not be a "chubby" if you go to their gym and work out. The "chubbies" are always other people. So please don't be offended by their "No Chubbies" T-shirts.

Like the Equinox Ads, women seem to be pieces of meat, and like the Champion Ads, their fitness seems to be judged by odd standards. At least if you go by the pictures, which are basically porn with clothes on. Women are featured licking lollipops, clinging (in pairs) to men, and getting ready to make out with each other. Oh wait, they can also be cage dancers! And do martial arts--or something. (In one odd photo, a robotic looking woman seems to be trying to fend off a quasi-sexual attack by a man wielding a cupcake. )

WTF? Could someone explain this to me? If this is a macho gym aimed at guys who like porn, then what's with the "vanity lifestyle boutique" language? What actual macho guy would want to go to a vanity boutique? This is not to say there's anything wrong with a gym being sexy, or edgy, or "adult." But why is sexy always defined through 13-year old male eyes?

However, one persons "ick" can be another persons "wow, that's creative!" so I'm curious if others find these ads to be annoying too or if it's just me. And has anyone noticed any other health or fitness ads that grate?

First Time at the Gym? How Not To Make an Ass of Yourself

Not everyone likes going to the gym. Or can afford to. Or has a reasonably decent one nearby. But what about all those people who could be having a great time there but simply Fear their Local Fitness Center? The whole idea may seem intimidating and fraught with opportunities for humiliation.

Perhaps you are one of these people yourself. Or maybe you Love the Gym but know someone else who could use some advice and encouragement. If so, please read on for the Top Secrets to Not Looking Like a Total Ass Your First Time at the Gym.

But Why Go to the Gym at All?

Good question! Here's why: because even though exercise is not generally "fun," at least not like sex or chocolate cake or winning the Lottery, at the gym it is often less awful than in some other places. Depending on what options are nearby, there are all kinds of things you can play around with to keep you occupied. They have fancy equipment you could never afford yourself; aerobic classes with pulsing music and perky instructors (or their mellower yoga counterparts); they might have pools to swim in and courts to play on and cute buffed trainers to help you personalize your fitness program. Plus, gyms are climate controlled! In short: if you don't have a wonderful outdoor alternative, gyms can be awesome places to get fit without suffering too much.

However, they can seem awfully scary at first. So to help you ease your transition from Newbie to Suave Gym Rat, here are not just one but two lists of Helpful Gym Tips.

First up, a Grim Cautionary List, to keep you out of trouble.

Ten Things to Avoid Doing So You Don't look like an Ass at the Gym:

1. Don't skip the New Member Orientation. These are almost always offered free of charge. This is a great chance to avoid doing something stupid later, especially since some clubs have their own Weird Special Rules or Peculiarities that are far from intuitive. Plus you need to find out what the deal is with towels and day use lockers and parking and such.

And when you do get Oriented, don't be shy about asking tons of questions. Because when you're done with your tour, there's a good chance that your guide is going to have to go back to handing out towels (non-profits) or trying to extract membership sign-up fees from reluctant future patrons (Big Chains). Give this poor person the chance to feel Smart and Helpful!

2. Don't show up ten minutes late for a class you've never been to before, get in everyone's way, and demand that the instructor explain everything over again just for you. Some new gym-goers seem to be under the impression that class "schedules" are just suggestions. Not true! In fact, if you're new, show up extra early and tell the instructor it's your first time. They like you to do this so they can make sure they don't accidentally kill you.

3. When using unfamiliar equipment that won't seem to budge, don't force or yank things around until you break them. Ask for help. However, this generally means Find an Employee. Don't interrupt other exercisers in the middle of their attempts to bench press huge amounts of weight demanding they assist you. As it happens, most gym rats are actually quite helpful. You can usually just look a little confused and scratch your head and this behavior will often prompt one of them to wander over and inquire as to whether you need any help. But if they don't offer, go find someone who works there.

Also, don't mistake a friendly smile and hello as an invitation to relate your entire exercise history or lack of same. Go ahead and smile and be pleasant--if you're going to be a regular, you may actually meet nice people and become friends. But don't rush it and don't be a motor-mouth. Some people are not looking for pals; they just want to get through their exercise routines and scoot out as fast as possible.

4. Don't use the fact that you'll be showering afterwards as an excuse to show up smelling totally nasty and funky. Fresh sweat doesn't really smell--but old body odor and overripe gym clothes are supremely nauseating to be around.

5. Don't drop heavy weights from great heights or slam things around or make exaggerated grunting or screeching noises. (Natural grunting and sighing and groaning is fine). Don't sing or hum either. Sometimes people who have headphones on do this blissfully unaware of how much it makes others want to toss barbells at their heads.

6. Don't neglect to wipe up sweat after you use the cardio or weight equipment. Local sweat-wiping rituals vary from gym to gym and are not always obvious. You should observe what others are doing--there may be little spray bottles and paper towels off to the side or there may not; you may need to carry a hand towel around with you from station to station.

And even if you're not sweaty or dirty or diseased, at many gyms there are resident Hygiene Queens (of either gender) who will stare icy daggers at you if you don't make vigorous wiping gestures with a paper towel after you are done. This also varies greatly. At other gyms, no one gives a crap.

7. Don't hog the weight machines by doing multiple sets if someone else is waiting for it. Offer to let them "work in." (Sometimes the worst offenders on this are the native gym rats who will try to monopolize one piece of equipment the whole goddamned morning, but that's a whole different subject).

8. Don't jump on cardio equipment without knowing the rules. Often this equipment is popular. There may be sign-up boards of some sort, usually located somewhere inconspicuous so as to embarrass first-time visitors who don't know they exist. If a machine seems to be empty and you hop on without scouting this out first, you may get a rude tap on the shoulder and a curt request to remove yourself. You should also check to see if there's a time limit when machines are all in use--often there is.

9. Don't forget where you put your towel, either in showers or up with the equipment, so that you end up grabbing someone else's by mistake. They all look the same. If someone emerges dripping from shower just as you grab theirs from the most convenient hook nearby, you're not going to be popular.

10. Don't forget to pack the toiletries and other items you will need post-shower; asking to borrow other people's stuff is generally frowned upon. (Unless it's someone you're already friends with.) Commonly forgotten items: deodorant, sunscreen, hair product and clean underwear. And there's just no way anyone's gonna help you with that last one.

Next, however, is a more encouraging list. Because it's easier to be negative than positive, this list is of course way, way shorter.

Things You May Fear Will Make You Look Like an Ass, But Won't!

1. Being fat, old, or a complete novice.

Many people fear gyms for these reasons, anticipating that they will be judged or looked down upon.

But here's a big secret: you get Extra Credit for being old, fat, or new. It's true--when buffed regulars see a shy, slightly bewildered, fat or old person come to their gym for the first time, they generally feel all warm and fuzzy about it. They think it's great that you're there and they admire your bravery. Of course they may try to show off a bit, and they may fantasize that you are impressed with their buffness or their ability to lift heavy things. But they genuinely don't think badly of you--they think goodly of you, because they know how hard it was for you to get here. And then, after a moment or two of warm fuzzies, they forget about you entirely because they have Miles to Run or Heavy Things To Lift.

2. Locker Room Issues.

You don't have to fear the locker room!

Locker rooms may seem scary because nakedness is involved. But the secret here is not just that people don't care what you look like naked. They really don't. But you've probably heard that already and it doesn't help. The real secret is that they also don't care if you're too shy to be naked! It's a very common aversion, especially in female newcomers. (Is it the same in Men's Locker Rooms? Cranky Fitness is in the dark on this point as it does not have a male correspondent.) So if you're modest, don't worry about it--go ahead and bring a little robe or a big beach towel or whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable getting from the locker to the shower, even if others seem quite comfortable parading around in the all-together. Many gyms have private showers as well as public ones, and if you're fearful, try to find one of these. You may find, as you get more used to being there, that you actually don't give a crap if a bunch of other naked people see you naked. Or not. Either way, don't let it scare you away from the gym you might otherwise be quite blissfully happy in.

So do readers have any more tips or fears or Horrible or Wonderful gym experiences to share? All comments are, as usual, very appreciated!