Be Careful Out There

image: skyloader 

By Crabby McSlacker

This post is going to be a bit of a downer, sorry. It could be disturbing to read. (And not just in the usual way my rambling prose, illogical conclusions, and inconsistent adherence to rules of grammar are disturbing. I mean sad and sobering and depressing in a bigger sense).

But a semi-abandoned blog seems as good a forum as any for me to process stuff "out loud," right? As they say, blogging is cheaper than therapy.

And when life slaps you in the face with a graphic warning of the horrible ways in which one momentary lapse in judgment can have huge consequences, it feels important to take it in. And even share that warning more broadly, however unpleasant the reminder might be.

Gosh, sounds like a fun blog post, huh?

"Eat it Later" Giveaway Winners

So who won a copy of Michael's Alvear's E-book: Eat It Later: Mastering Self Control & The Slimming Power Of Postponement?

The random number generator has determined that the winners are...

Weight Loss Plateau? Change Your Mindset

Guest Post by Sarah Williams 

Please welcome guest blogger Sarah Williams with some great suggestions for a frustrating situation: the dreaded weight loss plateau!

As usual, the theoretical author of this blog, Crabby McSlacker, is off doing other things besides writing blog posts. This may or may not involve travel to a major metropolis, and some half-assed futzing around on her novel-in-progress (which, in a shocking development, is going Really F--cking Slowly). Plus she has lately been distracted by some real-estate wheeling and dealing, which could be potentially quite exciting! On the other hand, Crabby has watched enough HGTV to know that the whole shebang could fall through once the house inspector arrives, so she prefers not to jinx things just yet by going public about the details. But either way, triumph or bitter disappointment, she will be back with more blog posts at some point before too long, as she misses everyone and want's to find out what you're all up to!--Crabby

We’ve all been there, standing stark naked on top of our scale staring in agony as, for the second week in a row, the numbers haven’t budged.  Like many of my girlfriends, when this happens I often throw my hands in the air yelling some type of profanity and hop off, grab a towel, and head downstairs for a couple frozen waffles with extra syrup.  Because who is going to pick a banana and almond milk smoothie over the delicious aroma of an Eggo when it’s doing nothing for the scale?

Am I right?  The problem is, I don’t stop with the Eggo.  I toast another one and then because I haven’t had protein and am still hungry, I end up blowing through half of my daily calories before the coffee has finished brewing.  Sure the scale stood stationary for a week or two, but what I often forget is that though it didn’t change, I did.  While the pounds may be stationary, my fat has been busy converting into muscle and my digestive track has been enthusiastic about the huge amount of nutrition I’ve been throwing its way.

(Giveaway!) Exercise Self Control Over Food... Without A Straightjacket

Guest Post By Michael Alvear

So this next guest post contains a giveaway, yay! Although sorry, you cannot win a stylish straightjacket of your very own.

Instead, two random Cranky Commenters can win a free copy of Michael's Alvear's E-book: Eat It Later: Mastering Self Control & The Slimming Power Of Postponement.

To be honest, part of the reason I was intrigued my Michael's pitch to contribute was not just that he's got an ebook on a useful topic, but that he modestly didn't even mention that he was the co-host of HBO’s The Sex Inspectors, a late-night sex makeover series!

How cool is that? Cranky Fitness doesn't get out much anymore. The opportunity to be vicariously associated with reality television, sex, and staying up past 9pm was too hard to resist.

As it happens, some of his Michael's other titles are a bit risque, so be forewarned.  One of possible interest to readers might be one of Michael's own personal favorites: 

Not Tonight Dear, I Feel Fat: How To Stop Worrying About Your Body & Have Great Sex.

Anyway, giveaway winners will be picked in a week so please check back. --Crabby.

Most of us think of self control as exercising white-knuckled willpower against G-force desires that leave us physically exhausted and emotionally spent.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You don’t have to suit up your armor and spend loads of energy to say no to foods that make you want to leave home, family and career just to smell the packaging. I’ve discovered a much easier, calm way to practice self-sovereignty, even in the face of an “Everything” bagel.

Sweet News? Allulose: Low Calorie "Rare Sugar" Coming Soon

By Crabby McSlacker

First off, apologies to the subset of Exceptionally Virtuous Cranky Fitness Readers out there who don't give a crap about whatever new low-calorie sweeteners are on the horizon.

Some of you are perfectly content keeping it simple and kickin' it old school with real sugar. You may be one of those level-headed moderation people.

"Sure," you might say, "I have an occasional treat that has sugar in it, but I'd rather have a real brownie on a special occasion and really enjoy it! Doesn't that make more sense than settling for counterfeit replacements like you do, Crabby?"

To which I reply: Harumph.

(Well, maybe not literally. Harumph is not a word real people say. I would say something harumph-like and chances are it would be cruder.)

Anyway, I think "occasional" is a word best reserved for solar eclipses and colonoscopies. Not tasty sweet desserts and beverages. And yes--I am a child. I want to eat sweets at every conceivable opportunity if I can get away with it.

Nor am I all: "Who needs sugar? I just put molasses in my organic green tea or my homemade tempeh/flax cookies. I really don't need any other sweeteners at all, they all taste too sweet!"

I'm sorry, but molasses is no more a sweetener than candy corn is a vegetable.

When it comes to sweets, I want it all: frequency, quantity, and quality. On the other hand, I'd rather not eat too many things that are likely to kill me over time. And thus the dilemma.

My current non-sugar sweetener rotation includes a little bit of splenda, quite a lot of stevia, some coconut sugar, erythritol, and monk fruit. But they all come with tradeoffs in terms of health effects, taste, digestive issues, cost, and cooking-friendliness.

But there's a new kid in town, coming soon: Allulose, also known as Psicose or D-Psicose. It's not available directly to consumers yet, but the wheels are in motion.  The FDA has declared it "Generally Recognized as Safe," and it is already being marketed to food manufacturers for use in their products. It has 90% or so fewer calories than sugar.

So what's the deal? Could Allulose be the holy grail for 'cheaters' like Crabby McSlacker who want to have their cake and eat it too and then eat it again in a couple hours and keep eating it all day long?

Celebrity Exercise Styles: Which Is Yours?

Guest Post by Dave Chu/ "Fitness Tabby"

Cranky Fitness readers who are intrepid enough make their way down to the comment section may recognize Dave's alter ego, Fitness Tabby. Fitness Tabby is much beloved here for his wit, common sense, and all-around nice-guyness. Plus, bonus: unlike other felines, he never grosses us out with tuna-breath, coughs up hairballs, or leaves a smelly litter box to scoop out!

And since Cranky Fitness has been quite remiss about covering celebrity exercise trends, Dave/Fitness Tabby offered to tackle the topic.  (Note: Crabby McSlacker will be back soon with an actual post of her own!  Probably. Possibly. Er, you never know, it could happen!)--Crabby


Isn't it fun to find out what your favorite celebrities are up to? Or even what some disliked ones are doing?

When the drug-addled meltdowns, outrageous public disputes, and humiliating arrests have simmered down, the celebrity industrial complex may turn to a celeb's workout routine for tabloid material.

Rather than just jumping on their workout bandwagons, let's play a game. I've picked out a few personality quirks and habits of some famous people, and will relate them to workout scenarios. See if you can identify each celebrity. Maybe you can relate to them, or even gain some inspiration. I've given them phony initials, which helps my premise of making up or exaggerating details about them.