The Blog Days of Summer

[By Merry]

The weekend is almost here ...

Huh.

I know why you're here.

Everybody else took the week off and you're stuck at work trying to look busy, so you're reading a blog.

Tsk. What would the boss say?

Oh wait, he's one of the ones who took off for vacation. Well then, he's in no position to talk.

Okay, if you're going to be stuck at work, then the least I can do is try to distract you.

Where to go if you're looking for a vicarious vacation

Maui cam
I like this cam of a beach in Maui... I can almost hear the waves lapping against the shore... sigh...

Lion cam
I have to confess, I'm not ordinarily a great fan of Zoo cams. There's usually not a lot happening. This one, on the other hand, is weirdly addictive... at least when it's daytime in Norway. This camera shows a mama lion and several seriously cute lion cubs. If the link is dark, maybe it's not daytime in Norway. Or the server is overloaded. It's popular.

In case you are a wild fan of zoo cams:
Penguin cam

Panda Cam


Useful fitness information
(don't look so surprised, we do sometimes link to seriously useful stuff... once in a while, anyway)

From Hellasound:
Your first marathon: predicting race times and preparation

Useful device of the week:
A cell phone that keeps track of the number of steps you take and also monitors your blood sugar level.

Favorite videos of the week:

Exercise AND animal video of the week:
Cats on a treadmill

Winner of the Fiction, but Could Be Reality category:




Silly humor of the week:
Why Germany lost the war

Sadly, this is an entirely work appropriate picture

And finally, the quote of the week:
"One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important." - Bertrand Russell

Take the rest of the day off. Tell the boss I said it was okay. Oh wait, that's right, he's on vacation. Well then, go for it!

Have a great Fourth of July, everyone!

Take Me To The Closet, Bub

If you listen to music while you run (or any other time, but let's pretend this is a fitness post) you have probably encountered this phenomenon:

The song lyrics are difficult to hear, and sometimes the words you "hear" in fact sound quite silly. But you rack your brain for alternatives and it still really sounds like those are the actual words! Later you discover what the real lyrics are, and of course your goofy version was totally wrong.

Cranky Fitness does not pretend to be the first to discover the humor in "mondegreens," or misheard song lyrics. Google the phrase and you will find bazillions of hilarious examples.

However, does anyone else find it irritating that most of these collections are based on the premise that the listener actually thought the silly lyrics were the real ones?

Isn't it funny enough that the Creedence Clearwater lyrics "There's a Bad Moon on the Rise" sound so much like "There's a Bathroom on the Right" that you could almost swear that's what they were singing? Do sensible adults really have to pretend that they believed a song that hit Number 2 on the Billboard charts was written about the location of a restroom facility?

Or that Jimmy Hendrix was asking his listeners, back in 1966, to "Excuse me while I kiss this guy?"

Seems more likely that people heard funny words and thought: "Doesn't it almost kinda sound like they're saying ______? Wouldn't it be funny if those were the actual lyrics?" Yet it remains a tradition that we act as though we once were certain the goofy lyrics were authentic.

(So I'll concede the "when I was seven years old I thought..." sort of stories are a lot more credible. I thought lots of silly things myself when I was a kid. But even some of these sound a little fake sometimes).

But let's put aside the question of whether these mishearings are truly misunderstandings. Some of the collections you come across from various sources (like here or here) really are quite amusing.

For example, do you remember any of these classic lyrics?

Madonna's: "Like a virgin, touched for the thirty-first time."
(very first time);

Eurythmics: "It’s all right, babies come in bags"
(Baby's comin' back);

Robert Palmer's: "Might as well face it you're a dick with a glove"
(addicted to love);

Cher's: "Gypsies, Chimpanzees"
(Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves);

Maria Muldaur's: "Midnight after you're wasted"
(Midnight At the Oasis);

Joni Mitchell's : "A gay pair of guys put up a parking lot"
(They paved paradise and put up a parking lot);

Or the Eagle's : "I'm looking for a lover who won't blow my brother, she's so hard to find."
(my cover, not brother)

(Note: the "corrected" lyrics in parentheses may not be entirely right either, as I didn't bother to look 'em all up).

Alas, an effort to turn this into a more intellectual scholarly discussion of misheard song lyrics turned up nothing the least bit researchy. Well, except this totally incomprehensible study. (Seriously, I have no idea what the hell that was supposed to be about).

So what are some of my mishearings? Unfortunately, most of mine aren't that funny, or else they are entirely too common. For example, the Bee-Gees song "Bald-headed woman" came on at the gym the other day, but tons of us hear it that way, not as "More than a woman." Likewise, I'm not the only one who hears the Savage Garden tune "I Want You" as referencing a poultry-flavored soft drink, Chicken-Cherry Cola. I couldn't even figure out what the heck the real lyrics were.

I do have a tune on my iPod in which a woman enthusiastically implores her man to "Take Me To The Closet, Bub." However, she doesn't sound nearly sultry enough to be suggesting a furtive sexual encounter surrounded by coats and umbrellas, so I suspected those weren't the real lyrics. Yet even trying really hard to make sense of the words, it took weeks to finally hear them as "Take Me to The Clouds Above."

And there's a line in a song called "Poison" in which the singer is talking about how tempting having sex with her lover is:

"Your mouth, so hot; your ware, uncut;
"Your skin, so wet; black lace, on sweat"

I guessed I was probably hearing that wrong--would she really comment on the fact that her boyfriend had an uncircumcised penis? And would she use the rather old-fashioned sounding "ware" as a euphemism? But it kept sounding like that's exactly what she was saying. I finally had to look it up online to find out that "your ware, uncut," was actually "your web, I'm caught."

Dang, I shouldn't have looked. I liked the uncircumcised version better.

So obviously I'm not very good at funny mishearings--I'm hoping you all can do much better--either ones you misheard yourselves, or other funny ones you've come across.

In the meantime, here's an amusing video, and you don't even have to like Pearl Jam to enjoy it.

Losing Your "Cool"

[By Crabby]

I suppose I shouldn't admit this, but one of my favorite things about exercising (and there aren't that many) is the "coolness" factor.

Sure, we're supposed to just do it for our health and our sense of accomplishment or whatever. Because we're all far too secure and self-confident and evolved to care what other people think of us.

But for me, feeling cool and smug is one of the best parts of getting exercise! I know there must be others like me too, aren't there? We imagine that our sedentary friends who find out we go to the gym at 6am, or even complete strangers in cars who see us running uphill in pouring rain are thinking: wow, I could never make myself do that! (Instead they are more likely thinking "what a crazy freak," but that's irrelevant. We know we're cool).

(How Crabby Imagines Herself When She Exercises)

Imagined Coolness is part of what makes those intervals and sore muscles and early wake-up times worth it. Look at me! I'm exercising! Isn't that awesome! Don't I rock?

(Closer to How Crabby Actually Comes Across)

When Even Imagined Coolness is Impossible

Unfortunately, some exercise situations are NOT conducive to even an imagined sense of coolness. I'm sure everyone has their own list. Are there ever times when you feel particularly self-conscious about your workout?

I'd love to hear what your own personal Un-favorites are. In the meantime, here are mine:


Top Six Ways to Feel Uncool Exercising

1. Do Stupid-Looking Stretches Outside of a Class.

If you're in an actual yoga or other fitness class, with an instructor and a bunch of other helpless victims students, you can practically bend over and stick your head up your ass (if you are flexible) without feeling stupid. Because the instructor told you to stick your head up your ass, and so you're supposed to, and everyone else is doing it too!

However, what happens when you are not in class but instead are out on your own in the tiny stretching area in the corner of the gym? And all around you are burly weight lifters and snotty type-A executives on treadmills who have not themselves ever been to stick-your-head-up-your-ass class? Do you still go right ahead and do it?

One of my least least favorite stretches for public consumption is, I think, called the Cat Stretch. You get on all fours and curl your back up towards the ceiling (not too bad), but then you do the opposite and drop your stomach towards the floor and stick your rear end way up in the air like an animal in heat. Unfortunately, it is the second part of this stretch, the butt-in-the-breeze part, that I most need to do to loosen up my tight lower back muscles.

My other least favorite is the iliotibial band stretch, in which you cross your legs and do a side stretch. I look like a six year old child who desperately needs to pee. But if I don't cross my legs, I don't get much of a hip stretch.

See, Even Cute People Look a Bit Silly Doing This
(Photo: Dr. Pribut, provider of handy Sports Medicine tips).

Sometimes I close my eyes when I do these stretches so no one can see me.

2. Go Race Walking

I've written about race walking before, (twice) so I won't belabor it.

Let's just say I saw finally saw someone else besides me race-walking a few weeks ago. And my immediate gut-level uncensored reaction was: "what an asshole!" The guy was doing it much more gracefully than I ever do, too. But there seems to be no way to race-walk without looking simultaneously prissy and deranged, unless maybe you're doing it in an official race with a number on your chest.

3. Try New Things at the Gym

It's supposed to be good to try new things, right? And it's no problem if you have a personal trainer to introduce appropriate new exercises and show you how to do them.

But what if you're too cheap to hire one and prefer to read about new exercises on the internet that sound cool but you have no clue how to do them in real life?

I have too many examples of this to list them all... but here's one: not long ago I read a very persuasive article about the amazing benefits of running backwards on the treadmill.

It's, um... somewhat harder than it sounds.

4. Exercise Out of Context

You're standing on a platform waiting for a train or whatever. There are lots of people around, but plenty of space still available. You realize you could be making efficient use of this wasted time by doing the stretching you forgot to do for the last three days, or, if you're particularly willing to look like a jerk, knocking out some jumping jacks or push-ups.

Do you?

There are stealth moves, like pretending to tie your shoes to stretch out your hamstrings, but if you do it without bending your knees you still look kinda funny.

If you have a co-conspirator, I've discovered, you feel less doofy exercising out of context, but it's surprisingly hard to do alone, even if it's a perfectly logical thing to do.

5. Make Peculiar Clothing Choices

Hey, 10776-- Orange hat with a red shirt? Don't think so!

(Photo by Marganz)

Sometimes these fashion violations are not intentional. Ever realize that all your running clothes are in the laundry and too toxic for the "shake-it-out and pretend it's clean enough" recovery method?

Do you skip your workout? Or do you do it anyway, wearing something tattered and sweat-stained, or originally intended as a gag gift, or belonging to another person who may be a child or your 83 year old mother-in-law or someone 10 inches taller than you?

Note: it does not help you look like less of a weirdo to announce loudly to no one in particular that you don't normally dress like this.

6. Karaoke Syndrome

The only way to truly make aerobic exercise enjoyable, in my opinion, is to do it to the pounding beat of music on an mp3 player. I do NOT sing along when people are around (though I may sometimes be forced to mouth the lyrics silently to myself if the beat is too good).

But sometimes I find myself alone first thing in the morning, and the street or the trail or the track or whatever is deserted, and I think... what the hell.

How liberating to sing along with the rockin' beat! It makes aerobic exercise almost fun! Wheeee!

And so what if you're middle-aged, can't carry a tune, and will sing along to just about anything on your playlist? It's fun!

"You and me baby we ain't nothing but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel..."

"Can't you hear the music pumpin' hard like I wish you would?
Now push it, push it reeeeeal good..."

Why is it that the more inappropriate the lyrics are, the more likely someone is to come bounding around a blind curve or pass you sneakily from behind?

Nothing like discovering your off-color warbling has been audible.


Does anyone else ever feel hopelessly Uncool during your workout?

New feature! Cranky Fitness branches out!

[By Merry]

We at Cranky Fitness pride ourselves on our innovative approach to raking in the bucks developing and deploying robustly opportunistic ways to leverage robust opportunities.

A new feature that we’ve developed is the I.D.E.A. ™: Innovatively Definitive Exercise Avoider.


Here’s how it works

You send us a lot of money, with some whiny wimp reason about why you don’t want to go work out today. We’ll send you a brand-new, shiny, and irrefutable excuse, personalized for your own needs, that you can use to get out of the exercise.

Soothe your conscience, salvage your self-respect, and earn the envy and admiration of all your exercise buddies! Well hell, where do I send the money?

But wait! There’s more!

The I.D.E.A. can extend to all sorts of situations.

For example, you really want to stay indoors and watch The Game, but your spouse/dog/neighbor is insistent that you move the piano/go for a walk/rake the leaves in front of your house. We at Cranky Fitness guarantee you a genuine, hand-crafted excuse that will not only get you out of doing the chore, but will have the dog bringing you a beer while your spouse rubs your neck and the neighbor rakes the leaves for you. Yes, we’re that good.

Sample excuse:

Gee, boss, I really would love to come in to work Sunday to type up your report on the fizzly widget budget analysis, but unfortunately my doctor wrote me a note stating my ____ was ____ and I needed to ____, which involves an amazing new scientific treatment that includes soaking in hot tubs and having lithe cabana boys feed me peeled grapes.

Hear what customers have said:

“Your offer was amazing! I used the I.D.E.A. that you sent me, and it revolutionized my life.” Mrs. C, Calgary

“I didn’t believe it could work, but it has. Thanks to your wonderful I.D.E.A., I now have the corner office while my boss sits outside handling my calls and doing the filing.” Mr. Y, Yreka

“Thank you Cranky Fitness! Thanks to your amazing I.D.E.A., I now spend my time doing only things I feel like doing, not what other people think I 'ought' to do. Plus, the cabana boys are really cute.” Miss M., Melbourne

******************************************************
On a totally unrelated topic, here's a link to the top 100 April Fool's Day hoaxes.
******************************************************


If you want to read something that was not posted on April Fool's day, check out Ashley's guest post from last night! Losing 60 pounds -- from theory to practice.

Random Friday Returns!

[By Crabby and Merry]

So we're skimping on actual scientific research this week because nothing new was discovered anywhere in the world we felt more like doing silly items and not thinking too much. Maybe next Random Friday we'll put on our crisp white lab coats and our horn-rimmed glasses and scientificate a little more and sillyify a little less. Maybe.

But here's at least one study:

Old People Not as Screwed, Memory-Wise, As They Used to Be.
[Could Crabby have perhaps put that a bit more delicately? Yeah, but then this would be a different, better blog.]
So according to a study in the journal Alzheimer’s and Dementia, (summarized here), memory loss and thinking problems are decreasing among those over 70. The researchers point to improvements in higher education, economic status, and health care as possible reasons.

However, I'm not exactly counting on my higher education or my 401K to keep me sharp, since I'm already a space cadet to begin with. I don't have a whole heck of a lot of excess brain power to bank on. So until they figure out a cure for Alzheimers, etc, I'm going to keep popping those dang fish oil capsules even if they do give me fish burps.

Guess What: Weight Loss is Simple After All!
Merry spotted this incredible product, via Fitness Fixation, from a company called Too Faced. It's Guilt-Free Lip Gloss. To quote their product blurb, it's "A super shiny lip gloss inspired by Fuze energy drinks that energizes and slenderizes."

Really? Lip gloss can make you lose weight?

I'm thinking the only kind of lip gloss that could truly promise to slenderize would be one made out of Super Glue. But what do I know? I'm a Chapstick kinda gal.

Cranqué Pheeetniss
Crabby, being a crab, naturally dislikes mimes, street artists, jugglers, and others who gratuitously try to cheer her up in public places. So it's not surprising that Merry is the one who dug up this "walking as performance art" video. (Quick poll: Crabby would have so committed vehicular manslaughter about three minutes in. Anyone else? Perhaps Crabby needs to cut down on her caffeine.)

Classy as Always:
Cranky Fitness just wanted to make sure you were up on the latest headlines:
"Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks".

Oh, and speaking of Crack-related items, remember the magazine Cracked, which was a knock-off version of Mad Magazine when we (baby boomers) were growing up? Well, apparently it still exists! And it's actually got some funny stuff. So for those who appreciate culturally insensitive bathroom humor, here's a great roundup of Weird Toys from Around the World. (Note: By "weird" we mean mostly poop-related, and by "the World" we mean Japan.)

Optical Illusion Plus Your Own 'Freedom Passive Income Stream!'
I enjoy optical illusions, but it cracked me up that this one is hosted by some new-agey site promoting inner happiness and schemes for making a quick buck. Material happiness is just an illusion, right? So what happened to those pink dots? And hey, what the hell just happened to my bank account???

Translate Your Blog Into Red-Neck
I was skeptical 'til I tried it, but this blog translation device can be pretty funny. Just type in the URL of your favorite blog (don't forget the www if it's part of the name) and try to resist the sudden craving for a buckit of fried chicken, a bottle a' hooch and a Hee Haw marathon.

Cute Animal Overload (Because We Just Can't Help It):
Computer monitor getting a little dirty? Well, here's a must-have screensaver.

Need help waking up in the morning? Cats really help ease that transition and get you moving:


Or, for those who prefer the quicker cat alarm clock version:


Courtesy of icanhascheezburger.com

Have an energetic, slenderizing Friday everyone!

Hey, Look How Strong I... Oh Crap

[By Crabby]

Sure, Crabby is Strong Like This Too!

Is Anyone Else Ever This Dumb?

So I was feeling pretty pleased with myself recently when I noticed that I was actually making some progress with a couple of my ab exercises, despite having had a period of bad behavior when I'd laid off entirely for a week or two.

Apparently the rest did me good, because after after years of settling into the same routine, all of a sudden I felt strong enough to push myself further and further each time! It wasn't just a good day, but workout after workout, I was finding the motivation and strength to power though more reps than I'd ever done before!

Until I realized... somewhere along the line I'd started counting differently. These were exercises that had a left and a right side, and I used to count "one" after completing both sides. Now I was going left: "one," right "two."

Sh*t.

So I was actually doing way less than I had before, but feeling incredibly smug about it.

And this is not the first time I've had such disappointments:

My walking and running times at a newly discovered running track were so much better than I thought they'd be--my half-assed but consistent training efforts had apparently paid off big time, now that I could measure them! I was so psyched I started going to the track all the time--how could I have ever thought running tracks were boring?-- and I found myself abandoning my previous hilly, unmeasurable routes.

Sigh.

Until one day I discovered the track was some sort of freakish old-fashioned non-standard thing that was Way Under a quarter mile. My times were NOT suddenly faster than I'd ever gone before. I sort of wish I hadn't asked, or that the smarty pants soccer team guy hadn't been so pleased and amused to set me straight about it. (Haven't been back to the track since then, oddly enough).

Oh and that stupid "gravitron" machine at the Gold's Gym in D.C.? The one that made me feel SO proud and pumped about how little help I needed to do pull-ups and tricep dips? Too bad I finally noticed that weights labeled in 10 lb increments were actually 20 lb weights, and I was needing twice the help I'd thought I was getting.

Got Skepticism?
Why am I not more suspicious when my usual half-assed efforts all of a sudden yield amazing results? When something is suddenly harder, I'm quite quick to assume there's something wrong with the machine, or that the trail that looks flat must actually be uphill--err, in both directions? Or that it's the wind or hormones or what I ate for breakfast or the cycle of the moon or something.

I just want to believe, so bad, that I'm really awesome and strong and dedicated, without actually putting out the kind of effort to be any of those things.

Heart Rate Goes Up, Brain Shuts Down
Part of my problem too is that I can't think and exercise at the same time. Trying to do six intervals during my treadmill routine proved impossible until I made myself do them at specific time increments--because I discovered I could not count to six.

I even tried putting six pennies in my pocket and taking one out after each interval--but I'd keep forgetting to do it... or thinking maybe I'd forgotten to do it. Surely there couldn't be three f*cking pennies still left--I must have done at least four intervals by now! Maybe I just forgot to take out one of the pennies?

Screw It, It Is What It Is
One answer to the painful disappointment that accompanies faux performance gains: stop measuring and caring that much about how much I do. It's pretty clear after several decades of working out that I'm not willing to push myself hard enough to do amazing things. And I'm pretty content, over all, with my consistent if not spectacular performance. So why get so excited if some number gets big all of a sudden?

Damn ego, wish I could send it packing. But that would probably take some sort of self-improvement effort--and I don't seem to be willing to put in a bunch of time doing that, either.

What about you folks, do you measure your performance and have expectations about it? Ever go through any ups and downs over the results?

The worst brings out the best in us

[By Merry]
The good news is, the worst is over.

No, I'm not talking about Madonna's fashion sense. A psychologist from Cardiff University says January 24 was the Worst Day of the Year, when people were the most miserable. He even has a formula to prove it: 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.
W: Weather
D: Debt
d: Money due in January pay
T: Time since Christmas
Q: Time since failed quit attempt
M: General motivational levels
NA: The need to take action

Anything with that many variables makes me suspicious (okay, and confused). There are so many factors, I don't see how you can predict their interaction with any degree of reliability, no matter how many diplomas you have.

I think this study was memorable because humans like imagining the worst. It tends to bring out the best in us. In Oregon, they celebrate bad weather by hosting the Worst Day of the Year Ride. This bicycle ride has gotten so popular that they had to cap the number of people who signed up.

Another example is the Coney Island Polar Bear Club, whose members swim every Sunday from October to April. In New York. Sounds insane to me, but they're all smiling in the picture.

Is the human race schizophrenic or what? One the one hand here's a large part of the population huddled by the heater whining about how lousy it is outside, and then there are these fanatics really enthused people deliberately going out into the coldest, most miserable weather -- and enjoying themselves! They positively embrace the fact that it's awful, instead of whining about it as any normal red-blooded human would do.

I envy them even while feeling irritated. I mean, they make the rest of us look bad. I think the most annoying part is -- well, you know how you felt when you got up crack o'dawn to go exercise or do something virtuous like that? You remember how good you felt afterwards, maybe even a little smug about the people who didn't get off their tuckuses and work out first thing? That's how I imagine these people feel. I don't want people feeling smug around me; it makes me feel inadequate.

Probably there's no way to stop feeling this way except to join the Dark Side myself, i.e. go out in the worst weather to exercise. I'm curious: does anyone know if there are more of these extreme weather workouts around? Do people like them because it's a chance to exercise outdoors and experience the excitement of a race with other people despite the inclement weather?

Or maybe it's just that we're attracted to the bizarre. There's one marathon, the Moonwalk, that takes place in Scotland, among other locations. It begins at midnight, and everyone participating wears a pink bra. (Presumably a pink sports bra, but you never know.) I like the idea of making exercise fun, but I don't know if I'm ready for that one yet. Because it's a marathon, yeah, that's the reason.

Besides, Madonna will probably be there. She's already got the perfect outfit.

Fitness Fantasy: Adult Playground

Cartoon courtesy of Joy of Tech

Oh dear.

I saw this cartoon and I laughed--but dang it, I've always had this little fantasy that someone would open up a new chain of gym-like facilities that were just big playgrounds for adults.

(And no, I don't mean the X-rated version of "adult," though no doubt the porn googlers will find their way here, what with words like "adult" and "fantasy" and "equipment" and "swinging" and all.)

No, what I mean is an actual play ground with fun adult-sized equipment. Is it just me or do any of the rest of you walk by kid's playgrounds and wish you could take a turn on the swings or the merry-go-round? I would, except that most of the stuff is too small and adults aren't generally allowed. I'd hate to break something or get arrested as a suspected child kidnapper or something.

So what would we put in our adult playground? There's got to be better ways to combine fitness and fun than elliptical trainers. Maybe we could start with some adult-sized swings and slides and rocking horses, throw in a rock-climbing wall and some pick-up kickball games. Or how about some of these?

• Pedal-powered bumper cars
• Or pedal-powered roller coasters? (Not real scary ones though, okay?)
• Trampolines combined with bungee cords suspended from above so you could really go flying
• Mini American Gladiator contests
• Bigger, crazier pogo sticks

The problem is, when I start to try to figure out how this would work so I can start a franchise and become a trillionaire, the logistics get a little complicated.

Would you sign up for equipment? Would there be time limits? How would you keep your heart rate up if, god forbid, it was time for the merry-go-round but other people were hogging it? Or would you have to pay a fortune to ensure that only a few people were using the playground at the same time so you wouldn't have to share?

Would you need helmets and pads? Would boys and girls play together? What about liability issues...

Sigh. Maybe the cartoon is right after all and playgrounds work better for kids.

What about you--would you go to an adult playground to work out? What would you want to see in there?

What's One Extra Toe?

[Posted by Crabby]

This little piggy went to market...

What would you do to lose weight?

I'm not too sure what to make of this survey of 1,000 women conducted for Fitness Magazine but it was at least pretty amusing.

• Eighty-five percent of the women said they'd be willing to have an extra toe to keep pounds off;
• Twenty three percent would shave their heads;
• Almost half would rather lose 20 pounds than live to be a hundred; and
• Nearly a quarter would go to jail for a week to reach their ideal weight.

But wait, there's more!

The results were almost as weird two years ago:

Since the article mentioned above was a bit skimpy, I went to the magazine's website to try to track down some details. Alas, the current survey wasn't there when I checked (they might actually want me to buy the magazine to find out more). But there was a similar survey from two years ago (men too, this time) with some additional data:

• Over half of those surveyed would rather lose their jobs than gain seventy five pounds;
• Seventeen percent of men and eleven percent of women would give up 20 IQ points to achieve a perfect body.
• More than a quarter of women said that they would rather get their wisdom teeth pulled than go swimsuit shopping.
• Sixty-three percent of women would rather be poor and have no weight to lose than be rich but significantly overweight.

What's with you people?

I think we're supposed to be appalled and depressed by what this says about body image, but I wasn't. It's not all that shocking that lots of people would do some really weird-ass stuff to never have to worry about being overweight again. (And while I don't have a bunch of weight to lose, all I had to do to relate, as a middle-aged woman, was substitute "looking way younger" for "losing lots of weight.")

It's funny, because even some of us who frequently rail against oppressive cultural norms are still affected by them. Hell, I hate that women are stigmatized for getting older--yet I'd happily go to jail for a week if it would magically make me look thirty again.

So it wasn't the superficiality that made the survey results seem odd. Here's what was scary: who are these people who would rather lose 20 IQ points, or give up any chance to live a long life in order to lose weight, but who wouldn't be willing to go to jail for a week or shave their heads? C'mon--hair grows back! And even totally messed-up malfunctioning celebrities can handle a week in jail. But you would be willing to give up 20 IQ points? How many could you be starting off with?

Now the extra toe thing...

That's a tough one.

It's distracting, isn't it? So many questions: could you have it amputated or would that be cheating and make the pounds reappear? Would you be able to fit into normal shoes or would you have to buy a bunch of specially-made orthopedic ones to fit all those digits? One extra toe on each foot or just on one?

So how about you?

Are there any bizarre things you might do to magically be given a "perfect" body (or face) for the rest of your life? (Note: it will stay perfect looking too, no matter how much you eat or how badly you behave). Would you do any of these?

• Drink a full glass of Pepto Bismol every morning forever;
• Refrain from ever getting on the internet again;
• Run naked through your local grocery store (just once but you have to pass through every aisle);
• Go to jail for 3 months (one week seems too easy);
• Never watch TV again (no cheating and watching on the internet);
• Give up your favorite beverage;
• Take in your least favorite relative or neighbor and let them live with you for a year;
• Let your spouse sleep with the celebrity of his/her choice (because as long as we're dealing with magical solutions, we're stipulating that the celebrity is totally up for it).
• Eat a dead rat (just one, guaranteed disease-free rat, not one every day. And you can cook it).

Deal or No Deal?

Or here's a different, happier way to look at it.

Which would you rather have magically given to you: A perfect face and body, or ten million (U.S) dollars?

But Maybe You Guys Are Too Evolved

For those of you who too emotionally mature and satisfied with who you are to strike any sort of deal, perhaps you have some thoughts about how messed up this all is.

(Some of the rest of us might be wondering how bad rat meat actually tastes).

Not that we encourage goofing off at work...

[Hmph. Crabby's off today, and I'm here holding down the fort while she's enjoying a wild, carefree, and champagne-filled vacation. Not that I'm bitter, no, not me. Well, not too much. But frankly, I'm not ready to go back to being good yet. One more day of goofing off. -Mary]





Look, there's no way you're getting any work done today. For heaven's sake, you deserve a medal for even coming in to work this week. Everyone's taking the week off and leaving you to hold down the fort while they're goofing off. Well the heck with them. You deserve a little fun yourself.

So go ahead, indulge.

I mean, it's not as if the boss were looking over your shoulder, right? Here are some ways to annoy your boss if he or she were actually here but they're not so you can annoy them with a clear conscience:

Pop some virtual Bubble wrap. It's therapy, in a way. You can't (or probably shouldn't) behave like a rock star and trash your office, but you can get the virtual effect of cheap destructive satisfaction without having to clean up afterwards.

Have you tried this game? Be warned: Boomshine seems simple enough, but I've known people become addicted. Probably because it looks so simple. People get fired up with the determination to prove to themselves that they're able to accomplish something that seems so easy.

Google your name to find out what people are saying about you. Your boss probably has. Or your future employer might.

Go to technorati to find out what people are saying about your blog. Oh come on. You want to know who linked to your blog and what they said about you.

Think you're smarter than Alex Trebek? Try this geography quiz. I have to confess, I fancied myself as quite the geography expert, but alas I'm not as good as I thought I was. (I got a 10.) On the plus side, I now have some vague idea where Burkina Faso is, which is more than a lot of Americans can say. (Did you have to look it up? Don't tell me you knew off the top of your head! Wow. I am impressed. And if you can pronounce the name of the capital city, I'll be really impressed.)

What, that bubble wrap wasn't enough? Need to work off some more frustration? Here's your chance to rearrange Henry Tudor's face.


Feel like you're part of a chain gang? This site lets you listen to traditional work songs and ballads. I'm sure the singing on these selections is very powerful and poignant and all kinds of good things, but for some reason the song I listened to had a woman backup singer who rather reminded me of a cat singing.





Which is my way of neatly segueing into the final idea of what to do at work when you don't feel like working.

Ever wonder what your cat's up to while you're at work? One guy hooked up a miniature video camera to his cat's collar and videotaped where his cat went on its travels. I think this is an idea with some potential to it. Want to know what your boyfriend is doing when he's not at home? Ever wonder why it takes your girlfriend so long to go "shopping"? Maybe a secret video camera would be the solution.

Okay, I am kidding with this idea, you do know that ... right? I don't want to be responsible for breaking up any relationships. Forget I ever said anything. Look, back to the subject of cats. (Much safer topic.) If your cat is stuck indoors all day while you're at work, why not provide kitty with some entertainment?


[Oh hell. Crabby's going to come back and find everyone is mad at her since her blog fell off the straight-and-narrow path of fitness and instead led readers into a quagmire of relational arguments. I'm doomed.]

Double Random Friday

[Written by Crabby and Mary]

(Image courtesy of Flikr)

So this week, we have Crabby Randomness and Mary Randomness combined into what might be called one big ol' Random Mess! And as usual, don't worry about accidentally learning anything tremendously important--we try to avoid that sort of thing here.

First Up: Crabby Decides to Report Only Good Health News:

(Leaving Mary to deliver all the bad news this week--whoops, sorry Mary!)

So you already know that they're good for you, but according to this study avocados may help prevent oral cancer. (And does anyone else think it's weird that they're actually a really good source of fiber? There are 5 grams in half a medium avocado! How can that be when they're all soft and creamy? It's sort of like if chocolate milkshakes turned out to have lots fiber. Um, they don't, do they?)

No more excuses: forward this article to your couch-potato relatives, especially the middle-aged overweight ones. It turns out that even moderate exercise (brisk walking for 30 minutes 6 days a week) can result in weight loss and a greatly reduced risk of metabolic syndrome. And that's even without dietary changes. Is more exercise better? Sure--but since the thought of all that huffin' and puffin' seems to be a big reason Uncle Elmer won't even try to put on his tennis shoes and head out the door in the first place, just don't tell him that part.

Got any troubling addictions? (Hellooo, cupcakes...) There's a dietary supplement, N-acetyl cysteine, that seems to be effective at curbing gambling addictions. (One headline even called it "willpower in a pill.") The guy who led the study said: "this research could be encouraging for a lot of addictions," and animal research already indicates it may be helpful fighting drug addictions as well.

So Mary Gets Stuck Being The Party Pooper:

Forget 'sweets for the sweet' -- too much sugar can affect your sex life. Dr. Mercola says that "High levels of sugar in your bloodstream can turn off the gene that controls your sex hormones."

And not only that--sugar does really rotten things to your liver as well. Apparently it takes about 20 years for the full effects to show up.

And love really is blind, especially when it comes to your own children. According to this national poll, only 7% of parents of obese children are concerned about their kid's weight. The rest think their child "looks about the right size." Is this the reverse of the anorexia syndrome? Do the parents not have their child have checkups? Are the doctors also hard of seeing?

Mary Wanders Aimlessly Away from "Health" onto Other Topics...

So not only are lemons chock-full of vitamin C, they're also handy around the house! You can even clean your microwave with them. This has very little to do with fitness, but I love the idea of sitting back with my feet up while the produce takes care of the chores. Presumably the orange will do the dusting and the banana take care of vacuuming?

And Crabby Strays Even Further Afield!

With a Belated Christmas present idea. So yeah, it's a little late for mail-order presents to make it by the 25th, but a package of these might come in very handy for when you're heading back out to the malls for those after Christmas sales. (Note: ideal for passive-aggressive sorts. Definitely on the Crab wish list for next year!)

What's not on the Crab wishlist? Why, gosh, no thanks, it's a sweet idea and all, but I don't think I really need vulva purse. (Via Fitness Fixation).

Stuck on public transportation and tired of the usual announcements? Try these instead--apparently this smooth-voiced announcer for the London Underground got fired because she recorded these spoofs. (Try "A reminder for American Tourists").

Want to see Mary's new home? Or something very like it. Actually, it's a pretty nifty optical illusion if you've got a spare 30 seconds.

Is it Time for The Animals Yet?
It sure is! First up, for a video featuring some very clever animals and a very lame voice-over: click here.

And lastly, our gratuitous Lolcat holiday greeting, swiped, as usual, from icanhazcheezburger:


moar funny pictures

Have a great Friday!

Cranky Christmas List

[Posted by Crabby]


So if you happen to celebrate Christmas, or some other winter holiday (Festivus, anyone?) you may be racking your brains right now trying to find gifts for your loved ones. Alternatively, you may be trying to defend against Wildly Inappropriate Presents yourself by telling your loved ones what you actually want.

But that's not always easy. Things we really want (fame, fortune, happiness, beauty, love, inner peace, flat abs, round-the-world luxury cruises) usually can't be purchased at a department store. And if we really really want something and it's realistic and affordable? Guess what, we probably already went out and bought it.

A useful health and fitness blog might, at this point, make some suggestions for healthy products you could ask for or give to your friends... but we're not in that kind of mood today! Instead, it's time for a test. Sharpen your pencils.

Don't worry, it's multiple choice and it's only one question.

(By the way, for those of you have actually made a Christmas list already and want to share it, Lady Rose over at the Diet Pulpit is collecting them. She'll link to your blog if you post your list on it).

Anyway, on with the quiz!


Which of these five items would Crabby Like For Christmas?

(And yes, these are all real; several are from the "Solutions" catalog, which comes in the mail and is sort of like a Sharper Image for women).



1. Dog Fingerpainting Kit!

With everything your dog needs to create three one-of-a-kind masterpieces.

For only $24.95!

True, Crabby doesn't have a dog, and $25 does seem rather a lot to spend for what's probably $2 worth of paint and some saran wrap. But look how intellectual those doggies look, and maybe they didn't look that way before they started!


[Note: Precious little doggy French beret not included. But there is a "surprise toy." Perhaps it's a pack of Gauloises!]

[One more note: Due to technical difficulties (Crabby doesn't know how to format this properly) we need a little more text to fill in here just to make sure the next picture doesn't crawl up here and cause trouble like it did on Preview.]

[Okay, maybe just one more paragraph, to be sure. Note to self: center photo next time, fer goodnesssake!]



2. Screw With Your Loved Ones: The Gift That Won't Start Giving


"Solve the maze... Claim the gift!"

Yep, you put a gift inside--suggestions include money and jewelry--but the recipient has to "guide a steel ball through a maze" first to get the gift! Nice, huh?

[Note: Sledgehammer, anvil, and divorce lawyer not included].


3. The Slanket!



Whoa: It's Blanket with Sleeves -- a Slanket! You have to love an item so totally original they had to give it a new name. How come no one ever thought of this handy item before? (Oh wait, maybe they did... about 5000* years ago! Some obscure item called a robe).

*Or 50,000 or 3,000 or whatever. Anyone know when robes were invented? It probably wasn't 2007.


4. The Two-Assed Toilet


It's a "TwoDaLoo - A Supertoilet That Saves Rocky Marriages and The Planet."

Yes, it's a real product, not a gag, although apparently it's not in production yet. And good news, if you don't feel like chatting with your Significant Other over your mutual morning business, there's an upgraded version that includes "a seven inch LCD television and iPod docking station!" Note: Minimum order 12.


5. Gum Drops!


Do we need to explain Gum Drops? No we do not. They are Candy.


Time To Put Down Your Pencils!

So are you ready with your guesses? Is The Suspense getting to be too much?

Crabby chooses (Surprise!), number 3, The Slanket.

You thought it was going to be the gumdrops, didn't you?

True, gumdrops are candy, but they are not good candy. A good candy, by definition, is a chocolate-based confection. It may also contain caramel, nuts, and certain non-fruit flavored nougats. Crabby would not waste treadmill time on gumdrops.

So why The Slanket, aside from its cool name?

Well, Crabby has been considering the idea of starting her own religion, Crabbyism. Or perhaps Crankyism, that's good too. So she'll need to stock up on Slankets because don't they look like perfect apparel for starting your own cult or fringe religion? Just look at the woman wearing her garment. She seems so totally bonkers and brainwashable happy!

So, are any of you hankering for any particular sort of holiday gift? Ever received anything awful? Any other thoughts about gifts, whether naughty or nice? (And just pretend you don't notice this post has nothing to do with Health or Fitness--that can be your gift to Cranky Fitness).

Chocolate Versus Vanilla

[Posted by Crabby]

Do you have an opinion about the best flavor ever? Even if you don't, it's worth a click to check out the heated debate over at Puntabulous. The fabulous Bossy of I am Bossy trades licks with just-as-fabulous Puntabulous host, Craig. Poor Craig manages to put up a really good fight, even though he's forced to defend Vanilla. (No, not Vanilla the runner, who can probably fend for himself--even if he does sometimes wear a skirt).

Crabby had to vote for chocolate of course, and not just because she was sucking up to Bossy (being a sycophantic fan of her fine blog). If somehow forced to pick only one flavor for the rest of her life, Crabby would have to go with chocolate. But look above you at the cupcake banner--Crabby has nearly equal love for Ebony and Ivory when it comes to sugary goodness! (And yeah, this is a blog about healthy living and good nutrition--what's your point?)

In fact, one thing that bothers her about her cupcakes above is the fact that she would never bake (ha!) buy a "chocolate" or a "vanilla" cupcake if a mixture of the two were available. Vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting; chocolate cupcake with vanilla frosting: these are what Crabby eats because the two flavors in combination are greatly superior to either flavor in isolation. Duh!

Can't we all just get along?

And in other Blog News, go visit Dr. J's CalorieLab column and you can win a hundred dollars! (Note: some personal humiliation may be involved--but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks!) Actually, you should go there anyway, because Dr. J has written some excellent columns, which will surprise no one who has gotten to know him through his comments at Cranky Fitness.

And finally, Kelly at Fitness Fixation, the most awesome fitness blog on earth, alerted Crabby to the fact that they now have Jeans that Come in Ass Cup Sizes! Sized, you know, like bras--but for your butt. (Warning: caution is advised for those who may offended by pictures of posterior cleavage. Come to think of it, you probably want to skip this post in Crabby's archives, too.)

And have a great weekend!


***Totally Embarrassing Addendum: Crabby was just skimming through the original Puntabulous post, and a comment caught her eye. It mentioned both "ebony and ivory" and "can't we all just get along." Problem is, the comment appears above Crabby's own comment, which means Crabby must have (a) seen it and (b) stolen both references for later use without (c) having had any clue she was doing so. Aaargh!

Crabby lives in fear of inadvertent plagiarism, as she has a tiny crab brain which apparently stores "memories of stuff other people wrote" in the same compartment as "stuff she just thought of." Crabby hereby apologizes to Dara as well as anyone else she has swiped stuff from without realizing it.

Time For More Rhyme!

When Cranky Fitness changed web addresses last week, Crabby wrote a little poem about it. She hoped the appalling weirdness of her verse would shock you all into changing your bookmarks. She even fantasized that the announcement would generate some Technorati mojo for her brand new, Zero-Authority blog.

And, well, it helped! Thank you, all of you who have re-linked and re-bookmarked to the new www.crankyfitness.com.

So Crabby is not going to let herself get depressed about starting all over from zero. She's not even sure what Technorati numbers are supposed to be good for, other than boosting one's bleego. (Bleego is a word Crabby just made up for "Blog Ego," an easy-to-injure sense of blog-worth. Someone else may have already coined the term but Crabby hasn't read of it yet, so it doesn't count. Bleego is sort of like self-worth, but more twisted and geeky. Excessive bleego can cause undue fascination with stats and resentment of other more successful blogs; best to keep bleego well in check).

Anyway. After subjecting poor readers to her tortured rhymes about blog URLs last week, Crabby asked if anyone else had any to share, and guess what?

The answer was yes!

Many witty poems appeared in the comments section to that post. Go here to read the awesome contributions of Marijke, Kristen, Missicat, Melissa, P.O.M., Jim, Mary, Susan, and The Bag Lady!

(And make sure you click some of their links, too, and sample further cleverness on their very fine blogs).

But a couple of great poems were also sent in by email, and Crabby thought she'd share them with you all since many of you already had the chance to read the earlier ones. (And pssst: Got any more? If any of you have health or blog-related silly poems or haiku to share, please email them to Crabby and she'll hang onto them for future postings!)

So first up is a poem by our good friend Hilary at The Smitten Image.


I'll Diet Tomorrow

Went grocery shopping and what did I buy?
Nothing fattening at all - so stoic was I,
'Cause I saw all the cookies and pistachio nuts
And I knew if I bought them, they'd go straight to my butt

I ignored all the ice cream and potato chips
And all of the junk that just inflates my hips.
I was ever so strong, and my resolve was the same
When I heard the dark chocolate call out my name

I came home again, put the groceries away
Proud of the willpower I had summoned today.
I made a light lunch, nothing fattening of course.
I was bound and determined I'd have no need for remorse.

I thought I'd see what my next blog post would entail
But first I remembered to go check my mail.
A plain package was waiting, a simple disguise,
I had no way of knowing it would do harm to my thighs.

I opened the wrapping and dug deep down inside
Where lots of my favourites were trying to hide.
I saw fudge chunks and cocoa and dark chocolate chips
And I knew it meant trouble if they dared touch my lips.

There was Hershey and Baker's, Godiva and Lindt
And sweet Ghiradelli with almonds and mint.
My willpower weakened in the course of a blink
And I could already feel my jeans start to shrink.

So I'll diet tomorrow, or next week, month or year
I'll approach it with purpose, be firm and austere.
I'll go back to the right food, the veggies and greens
And hopefully then, reunite with my jeans.


Awesome, thank you Hilary!


And so next is a poem by another Cranky Fitness pal, Vanilla at Half-Fast. Vanilla explains that his poem was inspired by one Shel Silverstein wrote called "Sick." And though Vanilla ran this on his blog before, he allowed me to steal it and run here too. Enjoy!


Excuses

"I cannot run this race today,"
Said Half-Fast, while in bed he lay.
"I pulled my hamstring and my groin,
I have a serious swelling in every loin.
My feet are blistered, my ankle's sprained,
And what if I have over-trained?
My arches have fallen to the floor,
My body feels like it's ninety-four,
I've got shin splints, athlete's foot and stitches,
And now my kneecap really itches.
My heel is burdened by Achilles Tendonitis,
Or it might just be Plantar Fasciitis,
Either way I should stay at home,
And not risk Patellofemoral Syndrome.
My feet are too slow, my legs are too fast,
And what if I keep getting passed?
I once heard that running can cause arthritis,
I'm already developing Hip Bursitis.
My quad's are too loose, my hamstring's too tight,
My left leg's faster than my right.
My calves have turned a dark shade of orange,
I got my toe caught in a door-hinge,
It caused a muscle tear, just partial,
And I know it broke my metatarsal.
I have Iliotibial Band Syndrome, or I.B.S.
And look! My hair is such an awful mess.
I dislocated my funny bone,
I'm sure I suffer from Plica Syndrome,
I have Tennis Elbow, and my belly is -- what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today's the scheduled pre-race rest day?
G'bye, I’m off to carbo-load and eat soufflé."


Another great one, thanks Vanilla!

Problem is, these folks are setting the bar for health and fitness poetry way too high. It's time for Crabby to lower it again!


Breakfast

Oatmeal with flax
May prevent heart attacks.
But pastries with icing
Are far more enticing.


Have a silly Monday, everyone!

Do You Sing to Your Cats?

She Appreciates Every Single Song, Really

This is one of those rushed days when Crabby wishes she had stockpiled some more handy guest posts. The Crab and Lobster are in the middle of buying a new house and getting ready to sell their old one, and, well, this process can disrupt one's blogging routine! There are decisions and negotiations and surprises. And lots of and phone calls and faxes and estimates and to-do lists and arrangements and chores, chores, chores. Crabby hates chores.

(As it happens, Mary over at Sheesh is also doing the house-hunting thing and blogging about it very amusingly, if amusingly is indeed a word. Poor Mary doesn't even realize that she's going through the FUN part right now).

So in lieu of researching some Important Health thing or other, or thinking up something sensible to say about Motivation or Personal Development or Nutrition or whatever, Crabby thought she'd just rip off a topic from a way wittier, clever-er blog so we could have something to discuss here at Cranky Fitness. (It's not even a particularly health-related subject, unless you want to go for the whole Mental Health/Stress Reduction angle. Crabby's really just stealing the idea because the post made her laugh).

Anyway, so Kristy at She Just Walks Around With It has a great post about the major joys/minor annoyances of pet ownership, and she ends up discussing the weird effect pets can have on their owners.

In particular, Kristy notes that pets can inspire us to: "create and SING SONGS to them. For them. About them. Bad songs. Ridiculous songs. Songs that make no sense and that the cats (or other pets) pretend they couldn't care LESS about, but which you sing with fervor because you know -- KNOW -- that they secretly love it. Love. It."

Just an informational aside: Cats don't, as a rule, speak English or any other human language.

Yet it's interesting to discover that composing and singing special lyrics to your cats is something a lot of people do! Along with making up multiple nonsensical nicknames for them.

The Crab and Lobster are guilty on all counts. Lots of Silly Nicknames and Stupid songs. How did a cat named Mailie (pronounced My-Lee) become "Mailie Moo" and then simply "The Moo?" Who knows. After a while, it doesn't even sound weird anymore.

"Have you seen the Moo?" the Crab might ask the Lobster.

"She was in the Moo Hole last time I looked," the Lobster might respond. (The Moo Hole is a pile of pillows and blankets specially constructed each morning on the bed so that the Moo might have her favorite warm place to burrow).

And then the Crab might launch into a Mailie Moo Song, and the Lobster might join her. Even though the cat is upstairs barely within earshot... because the Crab and Lobster know that the Moo will hear it faintly and feel special.

So of course Crabby was relieved to discover that she and the Lobster are not the only cat-serenading Nutballs out there in the world. Kristy is a Nutball too!

Are any of you? And if you have a pet or not, what do you folks think about singing to your pets?

Random Friday: Home-Grown Edition

(Benny, Frank's charismatic dog, courtesy of The Smitten Image)

While Crabby was on vacation, she missed reading many of her favorite blogs. Since then, she's been trying desperately to catch up. So rather than search the entire internet for Random Friday items, she thought she'd just steal stuff from some of her blog friends! use this opportunity to acknowledge some of the great blogs hosted by friends of Cranky Fitness!

Unfortunately, she can only get to a few--so readers are reminded to click on those cheerful blue hyperlinks in the comment section as often as possible. (And on a related note, Crabby knows the Random Rotating Blogroll needs a major update. Soon, she hopes--or at least, well, someday.)

Anyway, so all the info here is courtesy of various Crab-Friendly blogs. Thanks everyone, for writing Crabby's Random Friday Post for her!

Broccoli Sprouts: Smear Them on Your Face?
Well, not quite yet, but the Broccoli Sprout People (who kindly sent Crabby some Broccoli Tea a while back) are reporting that "a topical application of an extract of broccoli sprouts" can protect skin from the damaging effects of UV rays. More here--this sounds weird but the data actually looks pretty impressive.

Vinegar: Pour it On Your Head!
'Cause it helps fight dandruff. And vinegar can make your coffee taste better, keep your eggs from cracking, and do a bunch of other cool stuff. Mark's Daily Apple has these and other uses for what must be the all-time handiest item in your kitchen cabinets.

Swear at Work: It's Good for Productivity!
Via the always informative Healthbolt: This interesting article claims that Crabby's favorite hobby, swearing, can actually be good for productivity and workplace morale. F*ckin' A! This is great news! However, the authors caution against swearing in front of senior staff members or customers, which unfortunately takes quite a bit of the fun out of it.

Special bonus: Sara over at the Healthbolt post encourages you to go ahead and swear in her comments section. Crabby did it, with no asterisks or anything. It's really fun, try it!

(Another good blog for swearing, of course, is the reliably funny Fitness Fixation. Kelly swears all the time, thank goodness.)

Stop the Dog From Farting?
According to the Bag Lady, (who just started her own blog, hooray!) a tablespoon of plain yogurt mixed into dry dog food can help with this unpleasant but not uncommon problem. (She also has further tips on that Miracle Substance mentioned above, vinegar, and lots of amusing stories).

Ensure Your Own Quadruple Bypass!
Blame Jim at Chew On That, not Crabby, for any catastrophic diet failures that may result from clicking on this link. Jim passes on the secrets to homemade Snickers Bars, Peanut Butter Cups and other familiar but ridiculously evil Halloween treats.

Sprinkle Chili Powder In Your Doorways?
Yes--to repel ants without pesticides! Jennifer from Tree Hugging Family also fights cockroaches with garlic and will tell you how to make the World's Ugliest Fruit Fly Catcher.

On a More Serious Note--Check out These Fine Blogs and Sites:
Not all our contributors are silly all the time like Crabby is. Find out from Reb what chemo is really like, and get information on death and dying and palliative care from Marijke's new website. Also, Soap Box Girl posted a very touching tribute to her mother on what would have been her birthday. Crabby got all teary reading it and you might too.

Now On To The Gratuitous Animal Links!
Otherwise, how would you know this was a Random Friday?

First off, Hilary and Frank both have some great photos (and even a video!) of a Jack Russell Terrier bravely protecting the world from the onslaught of Killer Waves.

And we must thank Chicken Girl for alerting us to all the wonderful lolcat weirdness at icanhascheezburger.



So, yeah, these cat pictures aren't really "health" or "exercise" related, but, well, work with Crabby on this.



Have a great weekend everyone!