April 26, 2007

Great Big Bouncy Breasts!

Should Google ever discover Crabby's blog, future arrivals to the site are going to be very disappointed to discover this is a post about sports bras. But she promised readers we'd return to Steaming Hot Throbbing Health and Fitness news soon, and she's afraid a vaguely salacious post title is the best they're going to get.

Actually, the post isn't even about bras per se, because Crabby (who is afflicted with a mild version of GBBB), can't even remember the heavy-duty brand she wears. This is more generally about the problem of bouncing while exercising.

Not only is it uncomfortable, but for some women it can attract unwanted attention. A good friend of Crabby's also has GBBB, and she happens to be pretty and has long blonde hair. When she goes running, random men turn right before her eyes into total assh*les. There's a hostility behind their leering catcalls, too, as though she has recklessly caused their testostronic discomfort by daring to run with bouncing boobs.

In any event, Crabby discovered a helpful method to calm down a good percentage of this unwanted motion: in addition to a serious sports bra, wear a snug leotard over it. The leotard eliminates at least half the bounce.

Of course finding a proper fitting leotard is insanely difficult, at least for Crabby. She has the damnedest time finding one that will cover her entire ass. And if there is anything less dignified than racewalking, it is breaking stride to rummage around your posterior and find the edge of the leotard creeping up your butt and move it downward.

This high-riding leotard situation is puzzling. When Crabby puts on poundage, she wears it on her belly, not her butt. So she does not have a particularly large ass. Why then, is it so hard to find a leotard (or swimsuit, for that matter) that can spare enough fabric not to ride up her rear? What do larger women do?

Since the women's apparel industry is market-driven like any other, Crabby can only assume that most women want leotards and swimsuits to crawl up their asses as they move. Quite perplexing.

So readers, do not feel you must limit comments to GBBB, a problem you may not have. Weigh in about anything!


  1. Arrrrgh, I have the same problem -- a mild case of what you call GBBB. Before 1999, though, my case was much worse -- I was in such bad shape that I had breast reduction surgery for medical reasons. When I was in such a mess, I wore an ace bandage around my chest because even standing and walking hurt. :-(

    At any rate, here's a place where a person can get sports bras that seriously limit bounce -- Title Nine Sports. You can get free catalogs through the mail from them, too. I've ordered several bras from them and I recommend them highly.

  2. I like the top of the line Champion sport bras. My trick is to buy a size smaller. I figure that achieving the zen state of bouncelessness is more than worth the occasional near shoulder dislocation from peeling them off.

  3. Thanks for the tip on Title Nine, Thomma Lyn! You're always so helpful.

    And Debbi, your comment totally cracked me up. I fear you must have a blog of your own somewhere. If not, please don't get one! Just stay here and become a resident wise-ass and keep us company.

  4. With a post title like that I do believe that Goggle is about to find you. Along with hoardes of little men in grey plastic macs!

    Google discovered me when I titled a post 'Technorati ratings'. I named it that because that was what it was about but I can now see it was a clever SEO move. The fact that I was totally unware of what I was doing is beside the point.

    Now, Crabby, what you need to do, is get both the words 'breast' and 'technorati rating' in the same title. Do that and you'll be Goggled without mercy!

  5. I'm afraid all I can say on this topic is that I've never regretted having my, er... "growth" stop at 36B.

  6. Dawn: I can see how Technorati ratings would be quite a bit more sexy to most bloggers than Big Bouncy Breasts. But agree that combining the two might yield even better results.

    Bunny: I think 36B would be just about perfect. Wish we could custom order.
    That's what I'd pick.

  7. The smaller ones bounce as well although few bother commenting on it.
    I tried a sports bra once and all it did was cut off the circulation to a skin tag near my shoulder. I got rid of the tag and the bra.

  8. Like most civilized men, my rule is that, when a woman jogger approaches me on the path, I never let my eyes drift below her chin. A cordial nod or leer-free "Good morning" is the most that any of us should expect. Common courtesy.

  9. First, I have no idea what GBBB is ... great big bouncing ??? errr something like that I guess.

    re the leotard you could instead try a unitard (has short legs in it to stop riding up)

    a good sports bra is a must and not just for sports. I have a ride on mower and some bumpy terrain...

  10. Appleton: Were all men like this, the world would indeed be a better place!

    And Talia: thanks for stopping by! Good suggestion on the unitard. Tried some on years ago but the legs back then were too long and they stuck out under my shorts in a most unattractive way. Sounds like I should revisit.

    And GBBB=Great Big Bouncy Breasts.

  11. hilarious blog!!

    never had the gbbb issue, but back
    in my jogging days, i still "enjoyed" plenty of obnoxious male attention, even tho
    i only went out in the early am.

    one morning, i had the
    undivided attention of a small
    gaggle of cigar-chomping retirees,
    staring at me, slack-jawed, as i approached from
    a quarter-mile away, and were
    obviously going to watch my backside for another quarter-mile
    after i passed.

    So, instead i stopped right there,
    said "good morning" and asked if
    they could tell me what time it was. their reaction was priceless!
    i don't think they could have been
    more stunned if i had pulled out a gun and asked for their wallets.
    suddenly, i became a human being -
    you know, just like them.

    it was funny - and sad, too.

  12. I have the same problem and I wear a regular bra with a sports bra over it then a tight spandex tank top over it followed my by t shirt it relieves most of the pain and stress that large bouncy breasts may cause.

  13. I was somewhat dissappointed when I discoverd this blog was about sports bras, I was looking for the perfect leotard. But what girl who wears a 32 J, can find a leotard that fits! I'm a musical theatre major in college, and dancing is somethingthat's going to happen... Any suggestions?


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