August 08, 2008

The Cranky Fitness Guide to the Olympics

[By Merry]

Hey, this guy can run rings around me anytime...

Confused about all these sports that are suddenly showing up on your television? Help is on the way. Unfortunately, help is running late, so we at Cranky Fitness are filling in with an explanation of some of the terms used in the Olympic Games.

Archery - a sport where two people ("friends") try to outdo each other with snide, coyly playful remarks.

Bronze - fake tanning solution.

Dressage - Fashion show where competitors have to estimate just how out-of-date an outfit is.

Gold - the form of currency most favored by gym managers.

Gymnastics - various competitors try to out do each other in nasty gym behavior. (Don't ask. Really.) Oh all right, if you need to ask, they try to see who can be the first to get to the best treadmill, cycle, or fan. (There. Happy?)

Olympic flame - a scorching blog post about Beijing sports in 2008.

Relay - a second intimate encounter.

Show jumping - competitors strive to prove their dexterity in manipulating a TV remote to switch between Reality shows.

Anyone else have any terms they'd like to define? Getting excited about the Olympics, or is it Not Your Thing?


  1. I have to say "Relay" is my favorite, but then I'm still 12 years old.

    Thanks for these, Merry!

  2. I love, love, love the summer Olympics. The winter Olympics can be interesting, but I'm glued to the TV when the summer ones are on. I end up watching just about everything but I love track and field, the swimming, and so much more.

    Silly me, I took an on-site job for part of August so I can't be as glued to my set as I'd like to.

  3. Definitely looking forward to watching some of those Olympic moments!!

  4. Anybody have any other definitions? The Olympics is a challenging subject!

  5. The Olympic Torch Relay: an occasion for several French protesters to ridicule themselves by failing to wrestle the flame from a wheelchair bound fencing female athlete.
    Sorry, I had to.

  6. You are so creative! I don't know how you come up with all these entertaining dictionary lists. Thanks for the giggle!

  7. Very entertaining, sorry I lack the cleverness to come up with new ones.

    I guess I'm 12 years old too 'cause your definition of relay had me in giggles.

  8. Diving: what happens when a show like The Swan or Extreme Makeover comes on the tv and you can't find the remote

    Breaststroke: when two people really love each other...(or when they get really drunk out on the town)

    Marathon: an extreme girl's day in with Grey's Anatomy and popcorn

    Boxing: making environmentally friendly forts in your living room

    Croquet: frog-imitation tournaments

    Did you know that there's BMX racing in the Olympics this year? Really? What's next, auto racing?

  9. Relay Ha, but it took me a second to ge the joke. I love the Olympics.

  10. Water Polo = dousing an 80's era, collar popped Polo wearer with a nice bucket full. Then, place your Corey Hart sunglasses back on and march away.

  11. These are great! Olympics are always enjoyable to watch.

  12. I guess it's been a reeeeaaaalllly long time since I had any kind of lay, since I didn't get the relay joke until a co-worker explained it to me *slapping myself up the side of the head*

  13. Yup, I snorted at the "relay" one too. You guys are so clever!!!!

    (Hey, I have surgery on my right hand again on September 23. You can see a nasty picture of the broken hand on my blog if you like that kind of thing.)

  14. hilarious! I like your definition of gymnastics, primarily because I see it happen way too often. I know a few people who would definitely get the gold!

  15. ohhh....and sadly, I just got the relay comment.

  16. I was feeling pretty silly when I wrote that...

  17. "Relay" made me spit iced coffee at my monitor. Thanks, Merry!

    I adore the Olympics.

  18. I love your definitions and I love the Olympics....I always enjoy watching the games and the commentary, etc. And I'm so thankful I have DVR (same as TIVO) this time so I don't have to watch in the middle of the night.

  19. Great post. Made me laugh. Thanks.
    To answer your question, I'm so bore with the opening cermonies that I'm blogging through it the gathering of countries.

    Have a great weekend.

    Grace & blessing to you.

  20. I will have to admit..I am not an Olympic fan =\ I guess I am just not a sports fan.

    But I have to say I love these definitions ;)

  21. Laghed out loud at the relay! I also enjoyed the breast stroke...hmmmm what does that say about me - I'm 12 too?!?

    Great post! Wish I were clever enough to contribute one or two...

  22. My son was reading all of the ways that you could watch coverage of the olympics. We found out that you could actually watch it on your cell phone! We laughed hysterically at the thought of watching a table tennis match on my cell phone.

  23. I loved the "gymnastics" definition -- that so does happen at my gym !!!!

  24. aquestrian: an epic journey to recapture missing rainfall.

    (not a great one. Sorry.)

  25. "Sky King" - Roger Federer (what the Beijing press call him. Really. Known elsewhere as the King of Tennis).

    "Nadal! Nadal! Go!Go!Go!" - Cheer first well- and recently- constructed by the Chinese, which should probably be screamed whenever Rafa does anything. Ever. Amen.

    Pox on Nalbandian for letting Monfils beat him, thereby potentially ruining best chances for a FEDAL final.

    Sorry I've been sooo neglectful guys - Rogi and Rafa are through the 3rd round of the draw and on the way to the quarters.

    *runs away, back to sleep dep on Beijing time*

  26. *runs back*

    P.S. Michael Phelps is winning a looot of medals. And Mark Spitz isn't there to see it. Because he didn't get a formal invitation from the IOC, apparently.

    I'm like this. If you're Mark Spitz, you're not necessarily a passive person. And you probably have staff. Could not one of them have called up and hinted gently so that the invitation, however previously "lost in the mail" it was, would have arrived on time?

    And what about the Spanish basketball team? Anyone have an opinion on that madness?

    *runs away again*


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