May 07, 2008

Skanky Fitness

[By Merry]
No, not that skanky, thankyouverymuch.

Look, if you've come to this blog looking for intelligent, perceptive comments about health and fitness, then please let me direct your attention to Crabby's thoughtful, insightful, and well-written post of day gone by. But that was Crabby. To mis-quote Senator Lloyd Bentsen, "I've met Crabby McSlacker, and Merry's no Crabby McSlacker."

In other words, lower your expectations down a few notches. And your sense common decency as well. That opening photograph was but a mere foreshadowing of skankiness e'en yet undiscovered.

In the interest of looking busy while avoiding housework Being Helpful, I was looking at the search keywords that led people to this site. A lot of people in Finland seem to be looking for fitness porn. Or maybe it was people in Poland. Or Cleveland. Definitely somewhere that ended in 'land' at least.

What are they hoping to find? Hunks in trunks? The Swedish Bikini Beer Team? Pictures of people performing sleazy acts on treadmills? People performing sleazy acts with treadmills? (Hell, I'll believe anything. I stopped being shocked with the story last year of the man who was having an affair with a bicycle.)

Skanky never sounded like a particularly pleasant word to me. It conjures up pictures of a woman who's not overly fussed about details such as hygiene, halitosis, or herpes. But on the positive side, at least people are concerned with fitness!

Clearly there's a need here. I'm not proud. I'll write a post on Skanky Fitness. Crabby always said this place doesn't have standards.

Okay then, listen up. Classy posts have gone the way of the dildo dodo.
This will be worse than Vanilla's pickup lines for runners.
Worse than Crabby's Porn for women.

We're hitting ... um... bottom.*

Hunks in trunks!
These outfits were clearly designed to let you focus on their sexy knees

These hunks in trunks look like they've been doing drugs (but medicinally, so it's okay)

Women in unusual poses on bicycles!

One way to tell if a man's too cheap to buy a tandem...

Women riding bicycles in unusual costumes!
Well, she's not wearing a helmet. That's unusual.

Pole dancing peep shows!
Actually, I think that's rather sweet...

Anyway, is that the sort of thing people are looking for? Do Google keyword search results give a skewed representation of what people are craving when they click on a link labeled "Cranky Fitness"?

Trying to figure out Google searches is enough to create a certain feeling of Crankiness, but it's not doing much for my fitness, so I have to ask. What are you looking for?

*And no, no matter how many jokes there may be in the phrase 'hitting bottom', I absolutely refuse to write a post about Spanky Fitness. No, I'm sorry. Even if the well of inspiration runs dry and lol cats go 404. Ain't happening.


  1. What am I looking for?

    YOU oh M & C.


    this morning? you had me at:
    To mis-quote Senator Lloyd Bentsen, "I've met Crabby McSlacker, and Merry's no Crabby McSlacker."


  2. It's true: Merry ain't no Crabby McSlacker 'cause she's funnier and doesn't whine nearly as much!

    And someday I'm going to lower the standards of the blog WAY further by posting a bunch of the actual search queries we get.

    "Fitness porn" is quaint and wholesome compared to some of them!

  3. i'm looking for general bitterness. mission accomplished!

  4. Way to tease me! I thought this was going to be about Britney's workout routine. Which I desperately need to know 'cause I totally want to look like her. Heck, I just want to be her! Who wants to impregnate me??

    I try not to look at the search strings that lead to my site. Someone once told me 70% of the Internet traffic is porn. I'm guessing more like 90. So I'm glad you guys figured out a way to get a cut of the action;)

  5. I've had some very interesting search strings for - it's {ahem} a real eye opener sometimes....

  6. How apropos this post is! My blog may fit into the skanky fitness genre today. I posted my results of Glam's bikini challenge. :)

  7. Fitness porn? And me who thought I was no prude... I was have no idea what we are talking about...
    And good morning to everyone too.

  8. WHAT?! We need a more risque replacement for Carmen Electra's Cardio Striptease and you gals are just the duo to do it up!

    Get on it!


  9. Carmen Electra's Cardio... oh my.

    And I do wonder about Britney Spears. (Well yes, that way too.) I mean, every time you see a photo of the woman (and you'd have to be on a polar expedition /not/ to see photos of her) she's out on a fast food run somewhere. If she's doing all those happy meals, she must spend an awful lot of her time chained to her treadmill in penance. Or indulging in bulimic practices.

  10. Oh I've encountered skanky fitness a few times before. Ladies, no matter how good you think you look, please put a shirt on at the gym and wear something that covers all of your lower cheeks!

  11. Disturbingly, I've notice an uptick to MY site based on people apparently doing searches on "Hello Kitty" and nipples based on these 2 things existing in a post several weeks back. I do not want to meet or share a planet with the folks operating this search.

  12. Skanky fitness, what an interesting combination... perhaps it will become the new trend to run marathons in skimpy outfits! oh... no? well then.

    Very much enjoyed the silly pictures!

  13. Cute Pictures! I keep getting hits for people looking for an Island! Well and some nasty ones too.

  14. spanky fitness... *chortle*

  15. Oh, Merry you minx! Cranky Fitness traffic will treble this week. All those choice words!

  16. a friend of a friend that is a very well known female bodybuilder made her own fintess porn DVD for her 'online members.' She filmed in a neighborhood gym after hours doing her full body 'workout' completely naked. Unfortunately (hmmm, or fortunately) for her, the use of steroids caused her to become quite enlarged in her hoo-ha area. so not pretty.

    why do I share this? dunno. flashback i guess.

    so, can we talk spanking now?

  17. Now, that was funny. Thanks for the giggle.

  18. Worse than my Pick Up Lines for Runners post? Only because I let my wife edit it.

    I get all kinds of perverted searches that lead people to my blog, it's kind of disturbing.

  19. The Bag Lady had almost succeeded in blocking the memory of the worst one she ever had. Who would want to do that with a horse....?!

  20. Interesting what people search for!

    Love the pictures! The pole dancing Peeps, though... Who would desecrate such innocent, spring treats?? So wrong! ;)

  21. And someday I'm going to lower the standards of the blog WAY further by posting a bunch of the actual search queries we get.

    Post them! Unless they're for crab snuff pron.

    A disturbingly high percentage of the search queries for my site are "women killing chickens".

  22. I heard the best one-liner the other day about Brit-Brit on TV: "Did you hear? Britney Spears is getting back together!" Ha!

  23. Oh my, I don't think you have made me laugh so hard ever. Brilliant post! How about the upcoming pole dancing "for fitness purposes only" on the Wii for skanky-in-training.

  24. LOL on that image of pole dancing Peeps. I'll never look at those bunny treats the same way again. o.0


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