[By Crabby]
So I'm about a year late on this and you all probably have seen it, but what the hell: this book looks hilarious. And there's a new one coming out soon called: Porn for New Moms.
The premise: guys who actually do their share of the chores and are extremely sensitive to their wives desires are... well, mostly amusingly fictional. But to the extent that they do exist: they're HOT! Hotter, actually, than the square jawed guys who bare their six pack abs and pose in skimpy underwear.
So the "pornographic" pictures feature men dusting and vacuuming and saying things like this:
Which play on gender stereotypes, sure, but so what. They totally crack me up.
I probably shouldn't be weighing in on the issue of heterosexual chore division at all, since I have zero personal experience to draw on. But I have noticed that it's not an uncommon expectation that the "home" stuff is predominantly the woman's job, even when both spouses work. And that this expectation persists even though women have been saying "hey, what the hell's up with that?" for the last 40 years or so.
The good news: apparently that expectation is finally beginning to shift a bit, and there's more recognition that guys who do chores are hot! And that at least some men are figuring out that learning to pull their own weight domestically can make them a more desirable mate.
I often wonder how some of you gals who have demanding jobs and kids and a bunch of other responsibilities manage to get enough time to pull off healthy meal planning and shopping and cooking and still have time for exercise. Do chores ever get in the way of your health goals? And are you getting 50/50 help from your significant other? Or are we not quite there yet?
(Anyone hear an odd noise, sort of a chomping, spitting, gargly sound? That's the sound of Crabby physically restraining herself from expressing opinions on matters she knows nothing about. She will be listening, for a change, not spouting off, if any of you want to share how the whole chore-sharing thing works in your relationships or what sort of stuff you've observed watching other couples you know. Crabby will put on her anthropologist's pith helmet and take notes! She finds heterosexual relationships fascinating.)
There's a sig line I stole from someone's email once. I put it up on a whiteboard at work:
ReplyDeleteNo woman ever shot a man
While he was doing the dishes.
What I found interesting/amusing about this was the response I got was split down the gender line. Women would read that and nod in understanding. Men would look puzzled.
In other words, I love the idea behind this book but I'm not sure everyone would think it a good idea.
ReplyDeleteI had to comment on this because I just had a conversation with my husband last week about how going to the gym doesn't qualify as true fun.
ReplyDeleteMy husband is helpful as long as I direct him - i.e. he doesn't notice that the light bulb needs changing.
Because of that, I have a maid service come in monthly so at least I know the floors get mopped that often, and I'm not doing it at 11pm after work, workout, dinner, kids in bed, etc.
I love that if I click on the tag for your post, I get the big warning screen at work.
ReplyDeleteI love network filth filtering based on WORDS. VERY fitting.
Merry, I love the line about the dishes!
ReplyDeleteAnd Heather, I think your system makes a lot of sense. If it's possible to use some of the two incomes that people didn't have generations ago to compensate for the lack of time by hiring help, then there's less strain on everyone.
(While not everyone can afford cleaning help, at least some folks who say they can't afford it still seem to justify spending money on expensive cars or tv's or whatever. )
Marie, how cool, Cranky Fitness has been filtered! I was just hoping the "porn" tag would bring in disappointed googlers and pump up my page views.
Crabby - interesting post. In my *vast* experience (looking wa-ay back at some of my previous relationships) um, well, I have always done all the household chores, as well as held down a full-time job, and handled all the cooking. In this relationship, the same holds true. Of course, this relationship is a little different - now I do lots of the farm chores, too :) (mind you, the Cowboy works 16 hours days off the farm, so I can't complain.)
ReplyDeleteHow do you divide the household chores in your house? (the fascination works both ways, you know!)
Oh, and Merry - I am totally stealing that line! Think I'll inscribe it on a plaque and hang it over the sink!
Bag Lady--
ReplyDeleteWe sort of have a communist system in that each of us contributes according to her ability rather than strictly 50-50. Which is unfair but necessary in that the Lobster is one of those super-human creatures who can tackle a task that would take me two weeks and she gets it done in a half hour. Plus she's far less whiny than I am.
Ideally we'd split things up evenly in terms of task, but instead we split things up in terms of time, so the Lobster ends up doing way more than her share in terms of actual work because I'm so slow. (Let's hope she doesn't wander into the comment section today!)
We pick our "favorites" of the chores and tend to do those regularly, then divide the other stuff on a case by case basis.
Let's see... I wash the dishes. He takes out the trash. I nag him to remember to put the dishes in the sink and the trash in the trash, god damnit!
ReplyDeleteSeems fair.
(He's learning.)
I recently had to have a sit-down with BF and explain to him that it really WASN'T fair that I do all the cooking and cleaning even though we both work the same hours.
ReplyDeleteHe completely agreed, and has been much better since. I will admit that since then I have also been much better at actually saying 'can you do the dishes please?' instead of passively aggressively doing them myself and being cranky because of it!
He's also admitted that with my 'crazy' food habits, that he's afraid to cook for me, so I said that if he cooks once a week, I don't care what it is. Fair enough right?
Hmmm...my "roommate" is a cat..which means I do all the work, and he sheds and throws up. Just thought I would share! :-)
ReplyDeleteMissicat
We have what we call, a division of labor, based on time and skills. It ends up basically 50/50 and works well for us so far!
ReplyDeleteI like the dish comment also!
Dr. J
My husband and I both work full time. He does help out a bit, but things are definitely not 50-50. I could list it all, but I won't since it would probably just make me cranky.
ReplyDeleteSo, no, there is not time to get everything done. My priorities may be whacked out, but I make sure that I take care of the cats, get in my exercise, do the grocery shopping and try to cook healthy meals most of the time. The rest of the housework tends to pile up. I pick away at it, feel frustrated that the house is so messy, but am too overwhelmed to figure out how to handle it all (I know some people do, but I think I'm missing that gene). Until suddenly we realize that we have company coming over and I make my husband help me clean the house. To my standards, not his.
I think my husband just doesn't see the mess or is not bothered by it. To be fair, I'm not the neatest person in the world either. We both tend to have lots of clutter. The difference is that I'm bothered by it and he is not.
I think we may have to break down and hire a cleaning lady. We already hired someone to do the yard work (lawn mowing, fertilizing, etc) in the summer because my husband got tired of hearing me complaining about the state of our lawn.
Those books crack me up, but I have a hard time relating.
ReplyDeleteMy situation is a bit different - my Partner in Crime and Romance and I share a house with another couple (shared kitchen, separate living spaces). The four of us aren't the most cleaning obsessed household, but it bothers me when the work isn't divided evenly. So I made a chore wheel.
The chore wheel is two circle of cardboard, one slightly larger than the other. The larger outside ring has our names on it, and the inside circle has the chores divided into four sections. We rotate it every week to keep it even. Aside from keeping things organized, it means I know exactly who to blame when the recycling doesn't go out (like last night).
Well, don't anybody gag with envy, but my husband does nearly everything. Laundry, cooking, trash, watering the plants, changing light bulbs, feeding the cats, changing the sheets and towels, putting new toilet paper on the actual dispenser, cleaning the john AND putting the seat down on a regular basis. He's just a homebody.
ReplyDeleteOf course I had the good sense to marry a man 12 years younger, so he's not part of the older paternalistic gang. But still, he's unusual.
I'm better at actual cleaning. He won't do the kitchen floor or the bathroom, and only cleans the cat box occasionally. But then I hardly ever clean.
So I love hearing how you all manage this--whether with cats, guys, housemates or even yourselves.
ReplyDeleteAs a lazy person I abhor chores, so I'm always impressed when people take them on cheerfully with no griping. Even when I'm doing what's logically less than my fair share around the house I'm kind of sulky about it--I get mad at the chore for existing.
And sorry to have chased all the guys away--thanks Dr. J, for being our Designated Evolved Male!
Our overarching philosophy is, "If it bothers you, shut up and do something about it."
ReplyDeleteIn actual practice, I'm more likely to be bothered by chores that need doing than he is.
To some degree we've split chores by what we don't mind doing: I like anything to do with clothes, so I do the laundry and ironing. I hate dealing with trash and anything that gets my hands wet, so he does the trash and often does the dishes. (Note to self: Find SOME way to fit a dishwasher into this 1950s kitchen!!!)
Pet duty is almost exclusively mine, since the cat can meow at an empty bowl for two days without my husband unraveling the mystery behind such behavior. *sigh*
But he does do the vaccuming because that particular chore has sent me to ER with an asthma attack in the past. I have to remind him, but he'll do it!
In sum, I do more than my husband does on a day-to-day basis, but since he does the things I find odious or dangerous, I don't usually mind. And having no kids means there really isn't all that much to do. Everything except feeding the critters and ironing clothes for work can be done once a week. :-)
I was ERA when ERA wasn't cool :-)
ReplyDeleteDr. J
Like Missicat, my roommate is a cat. I feed him, he complains; I clean his litter, he complains; I clean up his hair, he complains; I am just about asleep he decides now he has to snuggle and I have to be awake. Then he sneezes in my face and I complain.
ReplyDeleteMy husband does the laundry. I cook ... er ... I'm the one who cooks when cooking happens, that is. When I cook he does the dishes. When I'm not cooking meals for whatever reason, whoever gets most annoyed about the stuff in the sink does the dishes.
ReplyDeleteWe both pick up around the house the evening before the housekeeper comes. Hey, I may work from home, but I'm WORKING here. Not cleaning.
He makes the coffee every night and sets the timer for when it starts brewing. I bring him a cup of coffee every morning.
He's more likely to get a wild hair and spontaneously clean the kitchen. He's also more likely to take out the recycling and trash.
I pay the bills and do the money management. I spent my day off monday doing our taxes, gawd help me.
It seems like I remember back in my women's studies classes that in romantic relationships of whatever kind, whoever makes more money tends to do fewer chores in general/on average. That's pretty much true for our house. We make almost the same amount of money, and do almost the same amount of chores. But he might do a tad more than me chore-wise, and I make a tad more money than him.
I think his slightly higher percentage of chore-doing is because of his insomnia rather than income, though. He does laundry in the middle of the night.
I hate to brag but I have a 12" duster and know how to use it.
ReplyDelete:)
Hawt.
ReplyDeleteFor years, I have told my husband that foreplay starts in the kitchen, as in unloading and loading the dishwasher (was that TMI?).
ReplyDeleteSeriously, we both do our share of physical chores, although day-to-day stuff like laundry and dishes usually falls to me. However, what really frosts my cake from time to time is that I have to be the "thinker about all that must get done." In other words, he'll do whatever I ask him to, but I still have to think about the fact that it has to get done...and really, sometimes, thinking about it all is the most stressful part for me.
My husband was helpful once I showed him how to do stuff. At first I was miffed he wasn't doing things...he jsut hadn't been shown to do them or how.
ReplyDeleteI shared the magic with him. I'd like to say he took up on all of it, but it's a work in progress :)
dara,
ReplyDeleteIn other words, he'll do whatever I ask him to, but I still have to think about the fact that it has to get done...
that pretty much sums us up.
I think we're better than average with the chore duty division, but a long way away from the craft fair! ;)
After 5 years my guy still can't take out the trash without serious prompting. He lets my 70 year old MOM take it out! (If I don't get to it first in frustration, because she is OCD about it.) When he actually dumped his own "office" trash because I'd told him I wasn't doing it for him anymore because he compresses it so tightly in the basket that I have to dig it out and I refused to touch it, he totally ignored the other two overflowing baskets in the room.
ReplyDeleteAnd he finally learned to ask if anyone else wanted eggs in the morning when he decided to scramble some up.
He can take his own dishes off the table but can't get them into the dishwasher. He used to "do dishes" in the old house but couldn't get them clean....
He's still practicing washing his hands before he touches communal food. That's been about 5 years of training, he's about 85% now.
But he works on the bikes and motorcycles and changes out the sod we put down as "potty grass" (4 strips) for the dog in what passes for a backyard every 10 days or so.
But he works hard and yes he makes most of the money, so I do pretty much everything else, even though I work too, part time. He has a very sweet and patient nature and I sure think he's a keeper.
I showed him the email that went around with pages from the book and he didn't "get" it.
Where is my household robot? Isn't it the future yet? I don't mind so much about the flying car, but I _want_ my robot!
ReplyDeleteWhen I've had roommates (mostly not, being a hermit) we've taken care of our own laundry and food, sharing the occasional meal but mostly eating on our own, since I've had a series of jobs with weird hours and so has everybody I've ever roomed with. My dust and mold allergies, however, meant that I did most of the vacuuming/dusting in the shared areas, rather than try to nag other people into doing it to the standards my health required.
Mary Anne in Kentucky
Can't wait till my kids are big enough to help with the dishes. I'm stuck with them till then. We split chores: I do the dishes and laundry and my wife takes care of cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming. Other stuff is done as needed. With 3 kids, it's needed more often than not.
ReplyDeleteLove the stories...
ReplyDeleteAnd okay, I have to confess, I'm kinda the "boy" when it comes to chores, though not in the handy, mechanically-inclined sense.
(No offense TB and Dr. J, but you guys seem to be somewhat the exception in going along with a 50/50 chore division.)
I'm the "boy" in that I sometimes don't see things that need doing, and the poor Lobster is the one who notices the dust bunnies drifting down the hallway or the closets that need reorganizing or the thank you notes that need sending or whatever.
So gender isn't the only factor in domestic slacking, but it does seem like our culture encourages guys to indulge in it more than women.
And Mary Anne, I agree--I thought we'd have robots by now, dang it! That would solve the whole chore problem quite sensibly. (Plus, if the robots came with a remote control, I bet guys would be all over the housekeeping all of a sudden).
I don't have kids and I think women who do all of it, job, kids, household, etc are pretty amazing. I DO work 60 hours a week, and I feel like Mike, as much as I love him, sometimes adds to the chores around the house rather than helping. We both have demanding jobs, but his standards of clean are WAY lower than mine, so my little experiment where I quit picking up after him for a week only succeeded in pissing me off. I have heard many of my friends say that hiring a housekeeper saved their marriages. So that is my new plan. Done and done, and we will definitely split that bill 50/50
ReplyDeleteI saw that book. It's so hilarious. My ex BF used to make me breakfast to eat in bed. I so wanted to take a picture of that for that book.
ReplyDeleteAs with many other ladies, it's the reminding that drives me nuts. And then there's the "Oh sweetie, you did such a great job taking out the trash!" that seems to be required anytime he does a chore. Most of the time, I figure it takes less energy just to do it myself and I know it will get done "right".
ReplyDeleteBut when he leaves the toothpaste on the counter or forgets to close the closet door, which allows the pup to pull everything out and get chased around the house, that's when I get pissed. The other day I asked him to please close the closet door (yet again) and he told the dog mom was yelling at him.
I really wanted to tell him he'll know damn well when mom starts to yell, but I was too tired from working full time, watering the lawn, doing all of the laundry, the dishes, and making him two kinds of pie.
My husband does all the outside stuff plus laundry, dishes, makes the bed, cleans the tub every day, vacuums, takes out laundry, and takes away the recycling. He also takes care of the plants, but they're his and I don't know what most of them are nor what they require when.
ReplyDeleteHe does most of the Christmas baking(liebkuchen, linzer torte, other ethnic stuff I can't recall, and fruitcake for me) and some general baking as well and is in charge of making pizza crust from scratch on pizza night.
Our house rule is "If you don't like it, do it yourself."
"He can take his own dishes off the table but can't get them into the dishwasher"
ReplyDeleteThat made me laugh out loud as my husband does the same. I tease him about the magically transparent kitchen counter that allows his dishes to morph through it into the dishwasher...but I'm working on it :)
Heh..so apparently I've turned convention on its head. As much as possible within the confines of gender roles.
ReplyDeleteI have a full-time job outside the home. My husband works from home. He does most of the childcare -- breakfasts, lunches, kids' laundry, homework checking and shopping. I clean and cook on the weekends and only sometimes during the week. It's a split that has been working for us for several years now.
Though I'm curious to see how it changes once he gets a job that forces him to work outside the house. I guess it's possible to make it work, but I think it has more to do with his personality than anything else. He's way neater than I am.
I am reminded of an old joke:
ReplyDeleteA middle-aged woman is sitting in a bar with some friends. This incredibly gorgeous man walks up to her and whispers in her ear, "I will perform any act that you want, no matter how obscene or disgusting, for $20."
The woman looks deeply into his beautiful eyes. Slowly she pulls a twenty dollar bill out of her purse, puts it in the man's hand, and murmurs, "Clean my house."
Aces. Another brilliant idea Bossy forgot to think of...
ReplyDeleteYou can send a Porn for Women postcard to a friend from http://www.wannasnuggle.com/index/. I wonder if they will use some from the Porn for Moms version? I know some moms who would love it
ReplyDeleteLook! Even as we commented, scientists were working on my robot!
ReplyDeletehttp://www.gizmag.com/kitchen-cleaning-readybot-robot/8913/
Mary Anne in Kentucky, reviving a dead thread for this exciting news! (am I out of exclamations yet?)
Maryanne, thanks!
ReplyDeleteDo keep us posted on robot news, we are all eagerly awaiting our very own models! Much more highly anticipated than the dang jetpacks they keep promising us.
It's not Rosie from The Jetsons, but it's a start, right?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.roombareview.com/buy/roomba/
I was in a bookstore with a friend about a month ago and we found this book...we sat there and went through the entire thing, and couldn't stop laughing. It's so funny.
ReplyDelete