May 14, 2008

Chicken Soup

[By Crabby]

(Crabby's Secret Family Recipes. Why yes, they are all blank!)

Who says we never do recipes here at Cranky Fitness?

OK, we don't. Not unless it's a guest post. But just because Crabby doesn't cook all that often, why should we let foodie blogs like Noshtopia or creative cooks like Roni or Gena have all the fun?

Crabby's Chicken Soup Recipe

1. Take out a sharpened knife, find one of these and....

Grawwwk! Get the f*ck away from me!

Never mind. Just kidding.

Of course we would never kill an innocent bird for our dinner. Personally.

Let's just pretend that grocery store chickens were never actually alive in the first place, shall we?

2. Go to the store and buy one of those fancy expensive free-range organic healthy chickens and...


All sold out. We waited too long. Plus it's getting late and we're hungry.

Hmm, what's that wonderful smell? What about one of those grocery store ready-to-eat rotisserie chickens pumped up with who-knows-what-kind-of-chemicals?

Mmmm, sounds great!

3. Pair rotisserie chicken with a salad and call it dinner.

4. Allow guilt to simmer overnight. (What's wrong with us? Why don't we ever make anything from scratch anymore?)

(Did you know simmering guilt tastes almost exactly like chicken?)

5. Go back to the store the next day and buy vegetables. For example: onions, cute little blue potatoes, green beans, zucchini, carrots. No celery because we hate celery.

6. Take rotisserie chicken leftovers out of the refrigerator (or go buy a new one if there's none left). Peel off excess skin, break up carcass a bit and throw carcass into big pan of water.

7. Chop up onions.

8. Cry.

(Onions: way cheaper than therapy.)

9. Throw onions in with chicken.

10. Boil the hell out of chicken and onions until house is smelly and every window is steamy. Maybe an hour or two.

11. Haul chicken back out, and remove bones and cartilage and icky leftover bits of skin. Curse the little tiny bones in the spine that break up and hide in the bottom of the pot. Hope, with little confidence, that you fished them all out.

12. Throw chicken meat back in the pot and add the rest of chopped vegetables.

13. Add more water as necessary and continue to boil the hell out of the chicken and vegetables until the whole thing starts to taste less like chicken water and more like soup.

14. Consider straining but remember that you still haven't bought a strainer so what the hell. No one in the household has died (yet) from the extra chicken fat or those sneaky little bones.

15. Salt and pepper to taste.

16. Realize after smelling and sampling the stuff for hours and you don't even feel like chicken soup anymore.

17. Refrigerate soup and call for pizza delivery.

18. Let guilt simmer again over night. It's better when the flavors have had a chance to marry.

19. The next night, have soup! Feel smug. You cooked!


  1. (Why am I so utterly amused by the flavors marrying.
    Is it a fullonservice?
    Must I procure flowers?
    A tiny civil union with only close carrot friends and family?
    I love that you chose that word)

    I'll give it a go.

    My next question: in the land of 90 degree temps. already I shall need to jack up the a/c to *thoroughly* enjoy.

    To what addy should I mail the bill?


  2. Chicken soup and guilt. Excellent.

  3. Ah chicken soup, the magic cure all for everything, including guilt. :-)

  4. "Let's just pretend that grocery store chickens were never actually alive in the first place"

    That's what I do...All the meat in the grocery story was manufactured in a factory somewhere. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

    As for chicken soup, I use the lazy method: Buy chicken broth and a package of chicken breasts. Add whatever veggies, seasonings, etc. that you like and throw it all together in a pot. My preference is for a Thai-inspired hot & sour type soup. Winds up looking something like the picture here:
    (veggies vary depending on what's available).

  5. I tried to make chicken noodle soup from scratch one time when I was sick. Not a good idea, I gave up, left the kitchen a mess, and went back to bed.

    Now from scratch means:
    1) Add store bought stock to pot
    2) Brown boneless, skinless, chicken breast and veggies, then add to pot
    3) Add herbs and spices and simmer for 15 minutes or so
    4) ENJOY!

  6. Chicken soup and guilt? That's how most of us Jewish kids grew up. ;)

    I made a pot of chicken soup just last week when my kidlet was sick, so no guilt here.. well a bit.. some.. lots.. crap!

  7. I have to admit, I make many a recipe only to not feel like eating it when it's ready!

    Easy Chicken Soup for Lazy Cooks like me:

    1. Put lots of chicken or veggie broth in a slow cooker. Throw in some water (about as much as the broth).
    2. Put whatever veggies you have in the house in the pot. Chop them up a little, first, but leave them big and chunky.
    3. Throw in a couple of boneless, skinless chicken breasts. Turn crock pot on and let cook while you go about your day.
    4. When you start getting hungry, add some noodles. Cook until noodles are as mushy as you like.
    5. Serve, preferable with corn bread, because I love cornbread.

    And thanks for the shout out! (Is that phrase still being used? I'm so behind the times!)

  8. At first, as a vegetarian, I was dubious about your recipe but this totally sounds like my kind of cooking! Except you forgot the step about getting so grossed out by the dessicated animal carcass in pot that in the future you vow to never purchase anything that actually looks like the animal it came from.

    "Let guilt simmer" - I'm putting that on a t-shirt!

  9. Hehehe! Its so true.

    I love cooking. But man sometimes those rotissarie chickens smell goooood.

  10. i used to watch my grammy break the chicken's neck, chop off the head, pluck the feathers and serve it for lunch. maybe that's why i love psycho killer movies so much?

  11. So funny, Crabby.

    But you know there's medical evidence in favor of such soups, hard science. Seriously.

    Oh, buy your chickens kosher, btw.

  12. What is this "scratch" you speak of? I think I have heard of that somewhere :-)

    Can't live without my crockpot, I feel like I am actually cooking when I use it!

  13. If you sauté the vegetables before adding them to the pot you will be amazed at the increased flavor of your soup.

    After sautéing, draw out a ladle of the broth and swirl it around the bottom of the sauté pan then pour it back to the soup pot to get the extra flavor from the bottom of the sauté pan.

  14. Oh this came at such a perfect time...I cooked a roast & veggies all day yesterday in the crock pot and the veggies were still hard when we tried to eat last night! So I left that sucker on all night and we're having [really cooked] roast tonight.

  15. *wanders into post*

    *notices topic*

    *backs away slowly*


  16. Maybe that's what I need to get over my &*^%$#@ cold.
    Homemade chicken always tastes better when my Mom makes it tho.

  17. "Let's just pretend that grocery store chickens were never actually alive in the first place"

    I am almost a full on vegetarian and I am not even trying to be. Why? Because most meat looks like it came from an animal, and I can't possibly get over that. Yuck!!! Tofu actually never grazed the land on all four with big soul full eyes you know...

  18. Crabby, you scared off poor chicken girl! On the other hand, if there's a soup girl blog out there, you've probably made them happy :)

  19. I've never been a big fan of chicken soup, soggy meat and cooked veggies, not appealing. I do like the broth though.

  20. Wow, a recipe from Crabby!!
    Sounds terrific!
    And Hilary, so glad you pointed out the Jewish connection - saved the Bag Lady from trying to think of something amusing. She's not herself today...not sure who she is, but she's definitely not herself.

  21. For someone who's idea of cooking is microwaving frozen veggies and george-ing up a piece of meat...this sounds like work :) I still might make the hubby try it though! lol.

    Thanks for the laughs!

    Geosomin - doesn't everything taste better when parents cook it for you? (hmm...maybe that's why I make the hubby cook...)

  22. Wow, some awesome advice in here! Tips on making it easier and tastier, plus you guys are too funny.

    I don't know why actual cooks seem to use "letting flavors marry" expression when talking about leaving stuff overnight, but like MizFit, it's always seemed funny. I never got as far as picturing the ceremony and witnesses however.

    And Kosher sounds like a great idea--I'm guessing you get healthier chicken without quite the price hike you get for "organic?"

    The only problem with the quicker boneless chicken breast recipes is I keep hearing that the chicken bones and the marrow therein is part of the reason homemade chicken soup has a different, richer flavor. But then that may just be a crock of ... soup.

  23. Go back to the store the next day and buy vegetables. For example: onions, cute little blue potatoes...

    "blue potatoes"???
    Potatoes aren't supposed to be blue, are they? Have these potatoes been to Smurf-land?

  24. I regularly serve blue and purple potatoes (I think purple are from Peru). They are usually (around L.A. anyway) smallish and they keep their color when cooked. They taste pretty much like regular potatoes to me. But they always remind me of when I was a bout 11 and a friend and I made deviled eggs, and added food coloring to make the yolks green. The adults wouldn't eat any, and we couldn't figure out why. We were thinking "Green Eggs and Ham", and how cool it was to actually have green eggs!

    Crabby, that'd actually an excellent soup recipe, it must be colder there in P-Town than is SoCal right now to be thinking soup. Don't forget to add garlic, and chicken soup with a side of guilt, that sounds like a Jewish recipe! ;)

    Loved the family recipe box.

  25. As an aside, every Jewish girl (myself included) absolutely knows that simmering guilt tastes just like chicken. My entire childhood tasted like chicken, in fact!

  26. LMAO!! This is my favorite step:
    [i]16. Realize after smelling and sampling the stuff for hours and you don't even feel like chicken soup anymore.[/i]

    Most days when I spend time cooking, I end up eating a ham sandwich for dinner for EXACTLY that reason!

  27. Crabby - with regards to the marrow and such, if you use store bought chicken broth (I totally do, I'm lazy) you get the same taste to your soup and no need for bones. If you just use water and boneless chicken, right, it won't taste as good.

  28. Last Fall I got sick of salty, chemically soup and set out to make a scratch soup like my eastern european grandmother. I feared it would be too labor intensive, but it doesn't require chopping and cooking has to burn a few calories, right? Here's how she does it. Throw into a big, gigantic pot: two soup bones, a short rib piece, a whole raw chicken cut up (it comes that way, don't cut nasty chicken yourself), 2 onions not even peeled, a head of cabbage quartered, a bunch of dill, a bunch of parsley, four or five carrots, a parsnip, a celery root if you can find one, some black pepper, a jalapeno, a knot of ginger, four or five celery ribs but if you hate it leave them out, about three or four whole, unpeeled cloves of garlic. Cover it with water and keep it covered with water. Some will boil away so keep checking it and adding more. Boil it forever. And ever. Skim the top periodically. Boil it some more. Boil it for like five hours. Then strain everything out of it, squeeze the juice out of that, dig through it and see if you want to keep anything and if you do cut it up and put it back into the broth, salt to taste and then you're done. Of course you can add noodles, matzo balls, rice, cous cous or whatever, but keep the starch separate as it soaks up too much of the broth.

    Oh and I forgot, chill it before eating because the fat will solidify on top and you can just scrape it off and then you have fat free soup. Then reheat it and eat it.

    It's good and I swear it cures disease, but yours sounds significantly easier.

  29. This is brilliant! You had me laughing! :)

    I shall remember this recipe when I am in need of an entree to go with my side of guilt. :)

  30. I learn things from this blog.
    (There really are blue potatoes!)

    Wide Lawns - I especially liked the part about not having to cut up the onion. The thought of doing that has stopped me from cooking more than once.

  31. There's a version called the "Catholic Guilt" soup where you also throw in some cardboard bread and wine. The wine is most important because it makes you forget what an awful rotten sinner you are. But no mind. Go to confession the next day and it's like a clean slate.


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