July 16, 2007
Personality Quiz: What Kind of Food Freak Are You?
So here's your chance to answer a bunch of questions and get annoyed when the results say something about you that isn't true!
Yes, it's time for the Cranky Fitness Food Freak Personality Test. And this is the particularly vexing kind where there's no good "normal" answer, and you're forced to make a choice among things you don't agree with. Then you add up your score at the end and have the test call you some sort of Freak, even though you swear you're not!
Sound like fun? How can you resist. Anyway, here we go. Instructions: pick the answer you least disagree with. Make a mental note if you waver between more than one: you may be a Combination Freak, as will be explained later.
1. It is your birthday and your best friends are treating you to lunch. They encourage you to order anything you want! You have exercised that morning, eaten small to moderate portions of healthy food all week, and are not allergic to any ingredients on the menu. You would most likely order:
(a) A big juicy burger or a buttery grilled cheese sandwich or fried chicken, with fries or onion rings, followed by chocolate cake or apple pie or a ice cream sundae;
(b) A big salad with lots of greens and lean protein, just a touch of dressing, and perhaps a few bites of sorbet afterwards because it's your birthday!
(c) Whatever on the menu was organic, whether it was choice (a) or choice (b);
(d) Nothing but bottled water wiped with a disinfecting towelette if you happened to notice, earlier while in the restroom stall, that someone left the bathroom without washing their hands. Suppose it was your waitperson?
2. You got caught in a meeting at work and couldn't get out for lunch. Now it's 1:30 and you're starving! A co-worker hears your stomach growl and offers you a left-over ham and cheese sandwich on sourdough--she picked it up from the deli an hour ago, she decided she didn't want it after all. Assume you're not a vegetarian. You refuse because:
(a) What do you mean I refuse? I'm starving! I finished that puppy before you got past "sourdough!"
(b) It's way too fattening. Plus, it's only five hours or so until dinner--that's not too long to wait.
(c) The ham is full of nitrites and the mayo probably has corn syrup in it and the sourdough is all refined flour and not whole grain!
(d) If it's been out of the refrigerator for over an hour, it could be full of bacteria!
3. You really shouldn't drink lots and lots of diet soft drinks because:
(a) They taste like crap compared to real ones, so why would you bother?
(b) You shouldn't? Says who! They have no calories in them!
(c) They're full of artificial sweeteners and other potential carcinogens.
(d) They make you pee a lot and you might have to use a germ-infested public restroom.
4. The best thing about camping and outdoor cooking is:
(a) Hamburgers, hot dogs, and S'mores;
(b) All the extra calories you burn hiking all day and trekking to the restroom half a mile each way at night, and the fact that half the food ends up burned so you're not tempted to eat it;
(c) Trail Mix;
(d) There's nothing good about camping; there's dirt everywhere and you can't get enough hot water to disinfect anything!
5. A dear sweet old friend or relative has slaved for hours to make you a special treat. She offers you a basket of home-made cookies and waits with great anticipation for you to enjoy one. But then she says the one thing that's going to make it impossible to eat the cookie, thereby possibly breaking the ol' gal's heart. What would that be?
"I hope you don't mind dear, but...
(a) "I thought it might be healthier if I left out all that refined white flour and sugar and butter and eggs, so instead I used lentil flour and ground flax seeds and sweetened it all up with a little yam juice!"
(b) "The recipe did say these were 450 calories each, and that's before I added the extra macadamia nuts and caramel and chocolate chips..."
(c) "And these are very low cal because I used Equal and Pam and egg-beaters! Although I did add some crumbled Oreos to give them some crunch. And see how pretty the colors are? Isn't that Red dye #2 festive looking?
(d) "It was so clumsy of me, I'm afraid I dropped the whole batch on the kitchen floor! But don't worry, I brushed most of the dirt and hair off. Plus, I'm pretty sure I mopped the floor sometime this month, and the cat hardly every throws up in there anymore!"
So, quiz takers, are you good and irritated yet? If not, now it's time to check your answers and call you names!
If you answered mostly "A" you are most likely: Freakishly Lackadaisical about your food choices.
The most extreme Lackadaisical Freaks don't give a rat's ass what they eat, so long as it tastes good and isn't too weirdly healthy. Most average Americans are some version of this--and this is not supposed to be reassuring. Be Very Afraid.
If "B" was your favorite choice, you may be a Diet Freak.
Diet Freaks fear calories and weight gain more than impending death or torture. The most extreme will go to great lengths to avoid enjoying their food because then they might eat too much of it. This is probably the second most common sort of Freakitude.
The most common answer for Crunchy Freaks is "C." Crunchy Freaks will avoid anything not "natural," because it is by definition carcinogenic. They do not need a study to prove this: if it comes from a lab, it's deadly. On the other hand, they will happily justify their chocolate layer cakes from Whole Foods, because the butter, white flour and sugar in them are all Organic. Likewise, the fat that oozes from their juicy cheeseburgers comes from hormone-free cows, so they need not worry where in their arteries it may end up.
And of course the "D's" are our Sanitation Freaks. Extreme Sanitation Freaks fear invisible and ever-multiplying colonies of bacteria, which are just waiting to invade their food and infect them with horrible diseases. Interestingly enough, Sanitation Freaks don't seem any less likely to get sick than those who often forget to refrigerate and eat things right off the floor.
Those of you who had trouble deciding are probably Combination Freaks. It is quite possible to have a pathological fear of calories, carcinogens and germs all at once! This makes it hard to ever eat anything on your plate. But don't worry--the Lackadaisical Freaks can finish that right up for you.
Is everyone good and offended now? Need it be said that this was all a Spoof and and Exaggeration? It seems clear that in actuality, readers of Cranky Fitness are all smart and reasonable and not the least bit Crazy. So please don't go away mad!
But if you were a little freakish, which one would you be? Comments welcome.