July 16, 2007

Personality Quiz: What Kind of Food Freak Are You?

So here's your chance to answer a bunch of questions and get annoyed when the results say something about you that isn't true!

Yes, it's time for the Cranky Fitness Food Freak Personality Test. And this is the particularly vexing kind where there's no good "normal" answer, and you're forced to make a choice among things you don't agree with. Then you add up your score at the end and have the test call you some sort of Freak, even though you swear you're not!

Sound like fun? How can you resist. Anyway, here we go. Instructions: pick the answer you least disagree with. Make a mental note if you waver between more than one: you may be a Combination Freak, as will be explained later.

1. It is your birthday and your best friends are treating you to lunch. They encourage you to order anything you want! You have exercised that morning, eaten small to moderate portions of healthy food all week, and are not allergic to any ingredients on the menu. You would most likely order:

(a) A big juicy burger or a buttery grilled cheese sandwich or fried chicken, with fries or onion rings, followed by chocolate cake or apple pie or a ice cream sundae;

(b) A big salad with lots of greens and lean protein, just a touch of dressing, and perhaps a few bites of sorbet afterwards because it's your birthday!

(c) Whatever on the menu was organic, whether it was choice (a) or choice (b);

(d) Nothing but bottled water wiped with a disinfecting towelette if you happened to notice, earlier while in the restroom stall, that someone left the bathroom without washing their hands. Suppose it was your waitperson?

2. You got caught in a meeting at work and couldn't get out for lunch. Now it's 1:30 and you're starving! A co-worker hears your stomach growl and offers you a left-over ham and cheese sandwich on sourdough--she picked it up from the deli an hour ago, she decided she didn't want it after all. Assume you're not a vegetarian. You refuse because:

(a) What do you mean I refuse? I'm starving! I finished that puppy before you got past "sourdough!"

(b) It's way too fattening. Plus, it's only five hours or so until dinner--that's not too long to wait.

(c) The ham is full of nitrites and the mayo probably has corn syrup in it and the sourdough is all refined flour and not whole grain!

(d) If it's been out of the refrigerator for over an hour, it could be full of bacteria!

3. You really shouldn't drink lots and lots of diet soft drinks because:

(a) They taste like crap compared to real ones, so why would you bother?

(b) You shouldn't? Says who! They have no calories in them!

(c) They're full of artificial sweeteners and other potential carcinogens.

(d) They make you pee a lot and you might have to use a germ-infested public restroom.

4. The best thing about camping and outdoor cooking is:

(a) Hamburgers, hot dogs, and S'mores;

(b) All the extra calories you burn hiking all day and trekking to the restroom half a mile each way at night, and the fact that half the food ends up burned so you're not tempted to eat it;

(c) Trail Mix;

(d) There's nothing good about camping; there's dirt everywhere and you can't get enough hot water to disinfect anything!

5. A dear sweet old friend or relative has slaved for hours to make you a special treat. She offers you a basket of home-made cookies and waits with great anticipation for you to enjoy one. But then she says the one thing that's going to make it impossible to eat the cookie, thereby possibly breaking the ol' gal's heart. What would that be?

"I hope you don't mind dear, but...

(a) "I thought it might be healthier if I left out all that refined white flour and sugar and butter and eggs, so instead I used lentil flour and ground flax seeds and sweetened it all up with a little yam juice!"

(b) "The recipe did say these were 450 calories each, and that's before I added the extra macadamia nuts and caramel and chocolate chips..."

(c) "And these are very low cal because I used Equal and Pam and egg-beaters! Although I did add some crumbled Oreos to give them some crunch. And see how pretty the colors are? Isn't that Red dye #2 festive looking?

(d) "It was so clumsy of me, I'm afraid I dropped the whole batch on the kitchen floor! But don't worry, I brushed most of the dirt and hair off. Plus, I'm pretty sure I mopped the floor sometime this month, and the cat hardly every throws up in there anymore!"

So, quiz takers, are you good and irritated yet? If not, now it's time to check your answers and call you names!

If you answered mostly "A" you are most likely: Freakishly Lackadaisical about your food choices.

The most extreme Lackadaisical Freaks don't give a rat's ass what they eat, so long as it tastes good and isn't too weirdly healthy. Most average Americans are some version of this--and this is not supposed to be reassuring. Be Very Afraid.

If "B" was your favorite choice, you may be a Diet Freak.

Diet Freaks fear calories and weight gain more than impending death or torture. The most extreme will go to great lengths to avoid enjoying their food because then they might eat too much of it. This is probably the second most common sort of Freakitude.

The most common answer for Crunchy Freaks is "C." Crunchy Freaks will avoid anything not "natural," because it is by definition carcinogenic. They do not need a study to prove this: if it comes from a lab, it's deadly. On the other hand, they will happily justify their chocolate layer cakes from Whole Foods, because the butter, white flour and sugar in them are all Organic. Likewise, the fat that oozes from their juicy cheeseburgers comes from hormone-free cows, so they need not worry where in their arteries it may end up.

And of course the "D's" are our Sanitation Freaks. Extreme Sanitation Freaks fear invisible and ever-multiplying colonies of bacteria, which are just waiting to invade their food and infect them with horrible diseases. Interestingly enough, Sanitation Freaks don't seem any less likely to get sick than those who often forget to refrigerate and eat things right off the floor.

Those of you who had trouble deciding are probably Combination Freaks. It is quite possible to have a pathological fear of calories, carcinogens and germs all at once! This makes it hard to ever eat anything on your plate. But don't worry--the Lackadaisical Freaks can finish that right up for you.

Is everyone good and offended now? Need it be said that this was all a Spoof and and Exaggeration? It seems clear that in actuality, readers of Cranky Fitness are all smart and reasonable and not the least bit Crazy. So please don't go away mad!

But if you were a little freakish, which one would you be? Comments welcome.


  1. I see you're back in fine form, Crabby. Excellent. I am "Freakishly Lackadaisical" apparently and couldn't be happier.
    Easy to please and way less work is involved.

  2. Mostly freakishly lackadaisical. (except for the soda thing.) I try to make up for that through freakishly long periods of exercise.

    (Although I have to say some of those "d" answers really did make my laugh out loud).

  3. so apparently I'm a combination freak... which doesn't really surprise me because my neuroses span many areas and this is not news to me. Although, I think being a vegetarian may have skewed my answers even though I was to assume I wasn't one when answering the questions... I honestly wonder sometimes, if one of the many reasons I am vegetarian, is because it takes some of the worry out of decision-making when it comes to food. It limits my choices, which for someone who is a serial decision maker ("I'll have this... no wait, I'll have this instead... but that looks good too, I'll have that... but I had that earlier this week, maybe this is a better choice...") takes some of the stress out of choosing meals that balance nutrition and what I just FEEL like eating!

  4. I'll have to go with Freakishly Lackadaisical too, except for the cookie thing (I have no problem eating stuff that's not great for me, in moderation, but 450 calories for a cookie PLUS nuts?! Ack! I'm glad this is a spoof, or I'd probably be jonesing on those cookies right now...) :)

  5. Mostly B with some C and D (like that last one-- I don't eat stuff that's been on the floor!)

    But honestly, calories are relative. I'm concerned with weight maintenance, not weight loss. I don't go looking to have a calorie deficit for the day. If I think I'm low on calories in relation to exercise, it's Cookie Time, and no regrets! :-D

  6. Lackadaisical Freak. Interesting, seems to be most popular among us trying to lose weight....maybe that explains how we got in this mess! But I gotta justify my choices - the questions were all about "special" circumstances. Not everyday! Birthday, late lunch, camping, and how often does somebody make you cookies? (though I answered b for this one!) Every day I'm probably a Diet Freak.

  7. I got two a's, two b's, and a d. I guess that makes me a combo freak. I would consider myself a diet freak first, and lackasaisical second. I know all the right answers, and will try to eat the right things, but sometimes I am just hungry or starving and will eat anything in sight.

  8. Let's see...

    1: Probably B, because frankly, the buttery/fried/juicy burger option doesn't sound that tasty to start with. ^_^;

    2: Er... E? A.k.a "it's kind, but I'm not a trashcan and I don't especially like finishing other people's leftovers". ;)

    3. Probably C. Or E again, a.k.a "I don't like sodas, diet or not, period".

    4. B! Burning half your food is all part of the fun of camping!

    5. Probably B. I'd be so totally "OMGWTFBBQ??".
    As for D, I actually *did* that myself once. No germs can resist being baked in the oven with the cookie dough, after all... uhm... can they? Anyway, we weren't sick or anything afterwards, and yes I ate some of the cookies as well.

    So... maybe I'd be a mix between Freak B and Freak C?

  9. Mostly As but I'd prefer a nice thick, very rare steak instead of the burger please. :-)

    If it's food and it's good, in the tummy it goes. Especially if it's accompanied with a good bottle of wine. Or two.

  10. Apparently I am a Crunch Freak mostly. There is a lot of ingredients that I do not let pass the thresh hold of my front door. So, I guess I truly am a freak. But, I also think that anything in moderation is ok.

  11. Unsurprisingly, I find myself in the "A" category.

    My great-grandmother, Big Baba, bless her Ukrainian/gypsy heart, could not pronounce "lackadaisical." Therefore, when reading my cards or tea leaves, would scold me for being too "lacksy-daisy."

    I like her word better.

  12. Hi all!
    So I think it's totally adorable that so many of you are actually taking this quiz! I would have made it far less annoying if I thought you'd all be so sweet as to actually answer the questions for real.

    Perhaps I need to design more quizzes with actual plausible answers since you guys are so good at it!

    Hi leah, and thank you! In real life, I am mostly in this category with crunchy and diet sub-freakishness.

    Katieo--actually, that's a perfect combo. Perhaps I need a quiz on Exercise Freakitude soon to sort out the different types. Only one not quite as obnoxious!

    Hi Lauren! Hooray for neurotics, you're in good company here at Cranky Fitness. I have more neuroses than I can count. (And chronic indecisiveness is one, so maybe I too should become a vegetarian). I'm afraid my tiny brain cannot remember offhand if I've met you before, if so, sorry, and if not, Welcome!

    Hi Leth,
    (sorry, too lazy today for full name) Yeah I'm glad the cookies aren't real either; I have enough trouble with the cupcakes. Glad to see another Lackadaisical Freak.

    Hi BunnyGirl,
    Yeah, the test is not fair towards anyone, but particularly not to people who naturally eat healthy like you do. You are most certainly not a Diet Freak in real life. (I would have thought you more of a Crunch anyway).

    Hi Randi!
    Yeah, there's nothing actually Lackadaisical about indulging on special occasions. I think that's why most people are coming out A, is I sort of made that the most "normal." I think it's healthy to be balanced. Thanks for taking the quiz and no justifications needed!

    Back in a few minutes...

  13. Love it. The whole thing. I always knew I was a freak about food. Now I have your quiz to prove it.

    (I'm new to your site. I found you on sk-rt.)

  14. Det Freak. But I already knew that Crabby. ;)

  15. Hi Noah,
    I hope I'm not remembering this wrong, but I'm thinking you're a flight attendant? That seems to me like it would make eating healthy and frequently enough not to get totally starving really a challenge. So if you're mostly pretty good you should give yourself major credit!

    Hi Kery,
    You always crack me up. And me too, I'd eat the cookies--I'm every kind of freak but "D".

    Hi Marijke,
    A woman after my own heart. Steak and wine make the beginnings of an excellent meal. And wine probably kills a lot of pesky germs, I'm thinking, and if not, well, I'm having some anyway!

    Hi Samantha,
    Cool, I would have totally pegged you for a Crunch. But I agree, moderation is the real key.

    Sorry, busy day, back again in a few more minutes...

  16. I am definitely one who has to have things that taste good to me like healthy real organic fresh foods, that aren't boringingly put together..and preferably with a nice wine pairing.

    I wouldn't eat the burger or ham sandwich because the thought of tasting it makes me gag. Likewise with diet soda (and actually most soda tastes like crap to me). Cookies I can take or leave, but ice cream is another matter (only the best and expensive kind offered in pints).

  17. Alas, I'm mostly freakishly lackadaisical, but I keep trying to remedy that, to at least become not-too-lackadaisical but not-quite-freakishly-healthy -- one step at a time, I reckon. ;-))

  18. Hi Frank,
    Lacksy Daisy, I love it! It makes one sound lazy in such a sunny, upbeat way--why would you want to be any other way? I'm a lacksy daisy!

    Lindsey, hi!
    Welcome and thanks for stopping by. (And you probably not an Actual Freak, just a Pretend Quiz Freak which is a totally different thing). However, I'm going to have to be careful around your blog, OMG the pictures and the recipes! Readers, check it out if you've got willpower. (Good thing I'm not much of a cook but it may send me off to the nearest bakery).

    So I need to start spending more time over at sk*rt--their stuff seems a lot more relevant to women that these diggy things which tend to be aimed more at men. Glad you wandered through there and ended up here!

    Hi Sera,
    Always good to see you! I should have had a special Squash Freak category. Shoot, maybe next time!

    Hi Pamm,
    A most sensible, refined approach to healthy eating. You are not any sort of Freak! And yumm, ice cream...

    And hi Thomma Lyn,
    You are another who seems to strike a healthy balance between good general health and Freaky Health Obessession. Thanks so much for stopping by!

  19. Hey Crabster, You're on the front page of sk-rt..woo-hoo!

    Oh, and are you going to tell us what letter most describes you?

  20. I'm not sure what sk-rt is but well done on making it's front page, Crabby! I'm assuming, here, it's nothing too sordid! I shall check it out to ensure it's suitable for an impressionable young crab!

    I am - as I bet you guessed - Freakishly Lackadaisical"!

    Glad to see that wee break refreshed you so that you returned raring to tweak a few tail feathers!

    (I've surpassed myself - exclamation mark for every sentence!)

  21. That was a very creative quiz! I always like when I can learn more about the subject from taking the test. Oh..the test..I took the road less traveled, I'm an 'E'.


  22. Katieo,
    Thanks all to you and your initial promotional efforts, yes, it has somehow made its way to the front page! And I had to peek at statcounter, and indeed it is starting to bring a few folks over. Hooray for Sk*rt! (Funny, in real life I pretty much never wear a skirt, but I'm happy to welcome any skirtsters!

    (Oh, I'm mostly lackadaisical on the quiz, but it real life I'm a Crunchy-Diet-Lackadaisacal. The only one I'm not is Sanitary, which is why one should always wash one's hands after visiting Cranky Fitness)

    And Hi Dawn!
    I, like you, belong to Freakishly Exclamatory category of blogger!

    I usually have to hit preview just to remember to delete the exclamation points I've inevitably put after every sentence and replace half of them with periods. When not on the blog, I'm not a very perky person prone to exclaim things--it's some sort of weird blog artifact. Glad I'm not the only one! Er... one.

    And hi Dr. J,
    You took the road less traveled? What a surprise! :)

  23. Crabby, Crabby (gasp - Dawn races into blog, feathers flying in all directions) you're got 18 votes over at www.sk-rt.com/! Still on the front page. Can I have your autograph, Crabby?

  24. Yup, I'm a flight attendant. I've learned I have to bring healthy food with me, at least for the first day of the trip, then I can hit the nearest grocery store and restock. I think I ate McDonalds everyday my first year working for the airline, and it showed. Thankfully I've moved to an international base, and don't have to do the 16 hour domestic days anymore. Now it's one leg and a long layover at the hotel.

  25. Dawn, thank you!
    But it is I who want your autograph, you Number 2 New Zealand Best-Seller you. Go Ripples on the Lake!

    Wow, that's impressive, because after a long flight with cranky passengers the last thing I'd feel like would be hitting the grocery store--good for you!

  26. 1. Probably one of my favorite places to go for a chicken (or Shrimp!) Caesar salad. Hold the croûtons, full fat dressing!! so that would be b....kinda

    2. None of the above. I'd have a shake, or some nuts that I have stashed in my office. If I didn't have anything, I'd take the sandwich and eat the meat and cheese.

    3. none of the above. I have trouble burping....not good with carbonation!

    4. Definitely A....but I'll pass on the smores!

    5. could only be d...otherwise I'd taste it and choke it down!

    I'm a freak...combo freak? or just a freak! LOL

    Funny thing was, for almost every answer I could think of at least 1 person who it fit!

  27. For #3, diet soft drinks, the answer is None of the above. Any kind of soft drink, yuk, it's all just liquid sugar. Suck on some water instead. Fine, call me Cranky Appleton. But I lighten up for dark chocolate...

  28. Well, I ended up a diet freak but I really suck at deiting even when I do try. It's just I actually do have some healthy eating habits (like not eating much meat and not ever drinking soda) So I think I'd say I'm a "freakishly picky eater" more than anything. There are very few things I eat, usually not because of calorie count but largely because I just don't like those foods. (Or they have some form of dairy when I'm lactose intolerant). So spoiled brat might work too... Regardless, diet freak is pretty much wrong. Even if I did get like 3 and a half B's...

  29. New reader alert! You are hilarious and I got hooked after reading the 10 newbie rules of the gym (since I just started going regularly two weeks ago and still going strong woo!) Love the blog!

    I'm combination, but leaning towards freakisly lackdaisical.

  30. Hi Cindy,
    Whoops, I forgot Low Carb Freak! There was really no place for the low-carbers to go on that quiz. Ah well, I'm learning a lot. Most amazingly, that people can not resist taking quizzes, even terribly designed jokey ones!

    Hi Appleton!
    All of the questions should have come with none of the above--but then there'd have to be some boring "normal" category, and no one gets to be normal here at Cranky Fitness. (I'd put you, in real life if not on the quiz, as a Crunch but perhaps I'm wrong on that). Thanks for playing!

    Hi Meg,
    Picky Freaks! Another fine category I forgot. Some of my best friends are Picky Freaks. I think the main reason it's hard to diet or eat healthy as a Picky Freak is that grocery stores and restaurants are already so bad about having so few healthy foods--if you have an aversion to a lot of them, then you need a really huge selection to find something healthy but not nasty! So I hope you can find at least a few things you can stand in all the categories you need to hit for healthy eating. (And I can see how a Picky Freak could get mislabeled a Diet freak--the category with the least actual food in it!) Thanks for stopping by.

    Sarah, welcome!
    Thank you so much. I LOVE new readers and hope I don't scare you off too soon. Some days I'm just really damn boring and there's nothing to be done about it but hope the next day is better. (Or hunt around in the archives.) Thanks so much for saying hello!

  31. Hi Crabby!
    I HAVE posted comments before, but only a few. I read your blog all the time (read: I check it multiple times a day, and read all the comments)! So I am far from offended that you can't remember whether we've "met" before or not! I was hooked the first time I read your blog, and rest assured I will continue to throw in my input in the way of the occasional comment... when you least expect it! Keeps you on your toes, eh? ;)

  32. Hi Lauren!
    Hooray, you forgive me! Yes, now I actually remember seeing your name before, (breast feeding maybe? before the scary weird people found it?) and thinking "nice sensible person, hope she returns!" I'm one of those people who's good with neither names nor faces. (Sometimes the wackier user names stick out a bit more too, and you have a nice normal one.)

    Thanks so much for returning!

  33. Correction!
    Mrs.J informs me that I am a

    Food Freak NOS

  34. Dr J, why am I not surprised that your wife is conversant with the diagnostic terminology of the DSM? :)

  35. "if it comes from a lab, it's deadly"....
    But I'm very nice...:)
    I'm a bit lacksadaisical...my biggest problem. I'm healthy, but I can be led into yummy unhealth very easily. I likes food tto much :) I am a bit nutty on the artificial food ingredients though. I'm finding myself making stuff from scratch with organic things more and more...perhaps my inner hippie is coming up. I just know what all the 20 syllable things are in most foods after looking them up and I definitely don't want to eat them.

  36. Geosomin, that's too funny. You may WORK in a lab but you certainly do not come from it in a way that makes you either artificial or deadly.

    I waver on the artificial/natural, but hearing that people like you who actually know what the stuff in our food is like to avoid it makes me want to do more of that too!

  37. Ok, first off, your banner makes me drool on my keyboard *every single time*. (Chanting "1 week until I can have chocolate again")

    I am Freakishly Lackadaisical for the most part, though I did answer 1 "crunchy freak" and 1 "sanitation freak".

    IRL, I'm more crunchy freak but fun quiz ;)

  38. Hi Angel,
    I have the same problem with the cupcakes, but can't bear to get rid of them. Suppose it should be some healthy picture like fruit or people running or something but... well screw that. For me, that's real life--I always want the cupcakes more than the blueberries!

  39. Is that the right way to spell lackadaisical? It looks weird. I looked at it too long.

  40. Hi In-Between,
    I totally agree. That "k" shouldn't be in there, or something. It looks wrong. However, my spell check thinks its cool, so who am I to argue?

  41. I am such a germ freak. Working in restaurants, you see all sorts of scary stuff (your meal may have been dropped, for instance), but a restaurant kitchen is still cleaner than some of the cleanest home kitchens. Dropping a cookie on the floor the cat sleeps on automatically disqualifies it from snack material. I'm terrified of eating red meat cooked to a temperature lower than medium-well.

    Then again, my favorite foods include cherry pie and carrots, the two extreme ends of the health spectrum. I eat what tastes good and isn't likely to kill or sicken me. Excess sugar scares me, though, like in soda.

  42. Hi Katherine!
    Well, you're probably being way smarter than I am to be concerned about food sanitation. Some day my sloppy lackadaisical hygiene practices will probably put me in the hospital.

    And mmm... cherry pie. That isn't a health food? Rats.

    Thanks for stopping by!

  43. What about Quality Freaks? Or Thrifty Freaks? Or Baby Freaks?
    For Question 1, I guess a Quality Freak might order a wild salmon steak and a bottle of some fancy wine, maybe a pistachio mousse. A TF would be unable to understand the concept of getting the full burger meal, especially since she might not be able to finish it and that would be a waste, so she would get grilled cheese and a glass of milk. A la carte. The BF would want Cap'n Crunch with brown sugar sunk to the bottom, a large fruit punch, and some gum that looks like a radio or something.

  44. Serena, great category additions! Perhaps I need a new quiz update one of these days. Thanks!

  45. This comment has been removed by the author.

  46. I prefer foods that are "normal" to me, for some reason I don't see brown things as food (milk chocolate and some chocolate-flavored things are an exception), I am fine with bread but I hate whole-grain, I don't really know why but I just hate brown alternatives to white foods, I LOVE sodas but I try to eat healthier so I changed to izze sparkling juice, if it was possible I would be "partially lackadaisical freak" because I hate healthier alternatives to unhealthy foods (izze sparkling juice is an exception and some cereals like frosted mini wheats are another) but am trying to eat healthier in ways that don't involve swapping foods with less-tasty healthy alternatives.


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