April 01, 2008

New feature! Cranky Fitness branches out!

[By Merry]

We at Cranky Fitness pride ourselves on our innovative approach to raking in the bucks developing and deploying robustly opportunistic ways to leverage robust opportunities.

A new feature that we’ve developed is the I.D.E.A. ™: Innovatively Definitive Exercise Avoider.


Here’s how it works

You send us a lot of money, with some whiny wimp reason about why you don’t want to go work out today. We’ll send you a brand-new, shiny, and irrefutable excuse, personalized for your own needs, that you can use to get out of the exercise.

Soothe your conscience, salvage your self-respect, and earn the envy and admiration of all your exercise buddies! Well hell, where do I send the money?

But wait! There’s more!

The I.D.E.A. can extend to all sorts of situations.

For example, you really want to stay indoors and watch The Game, but your spouse/dog/neighbor is insistent that you move the piano/go for a walk/rake the leaves in front of your house. We at Cranky Fitness guarantee you a genuine, hand-crafted excuse that will not only get you out of doing the chore, but will have the dog bringing you a beer while your spouse rubs your neck and the neighbor rakes the leaves for you. Yes, we’re that good.

Sample excuse:

Gee, boss, I really would love to come in to work Sunday to type up your report on the fizzly widget budget analysis, but unfortunately my doctor wrote me a note stating my ____ was ____ and I needed to ____, which involves an amazing new scientific treatment that includes soaking in hot tubs and having lithe cabana boys feed me peeled grapes.

Hear what customers have said:

“Your offer was amazing! I used the I.D.E.A. that you sent me, and it revolutionized my life.” Mrs. C, Calgary

“I didn’t believe it could work, but it has. Thanks to your wonderful I.D.E.A., I now have the corner office while my boss sits outside handling my calls and doing the filing.” Mr. Y, Yreka

“Thank you Cranky Fitness! Thanks to your amazing I.D.E.A., I now spend my time doing only things I feel like doing, not what other people think I 'ought' to do. Plus, the cabana boys are really cute.” Miss M., Melbourne

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On a totally unrelated topic, here's a link to the top 100 April Fool's Day hoaxes.
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If you want to read something that was not posted on April Fool's day, check out Ashley's guest post from last night! Losing 60 pounds -- from theory to practice.

14 comments:

  1. My wife often wants an excuse for why I turned out the way I did. If you have one of those, the check is in the mail.

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  2. Check this one out:

    http://www.google.com/tisp/

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  3. Don't forget, it's the 10 year anniversary of the left handed whopper!

    ReplyDelete
  4. The best litany of excuses I ever heard was by one of the Blues Brothers in that old movie when faced by his irate girlfriend! That was beautiful!

    Dr. J

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  5. Ha, thanks for the link. I'll get that cheque in the mail right away.

    ReplyDelete
  6. But will you sign it "Epstein's mother"???
    And please let me not be the only one old enough to get that...

    Missicat

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  7. Wikipedia lists these legal excuses:
    Insanity · Mental disorder
    Diminished responsibility
    Intoxication · Infancy
    Automatism
    Consent · Mistake
    Duress · Necessity
    Provocation · Self defense
    False confession · Entrapment

    I'm sure you can flesh these out. I can't tell people I didn't work out today because I'm a drunken infant. They'll believe it, but I'd rather have you work me up something with the entrapment angle. Entrapped into finishing the Easter Candy!

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  8. I'm sad to say I could help write many of them for you :)

    The best hoax I saw yesterday was a story link on CBC to really well made up videos of "flying penguins" they discovered.
    Very cute...

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi Merry! Thank you so much for your comment. I am ok, and am sorely missing my blog. I have just been buried at work while also interviewing for two other jobs, amongst a plethora of other things going on. On top of that, I have had some of the worst writers' block ever! I will return soon! Can't wait to catch up on everything here at Cranky Fitness!! Back soon, promise. Thanks for thinking of me!!
    Cara

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  10. Nitmos, tell her at least you have excellent taste in women. Wait a moment, rephrase that so it doesn't sound like women in the plural sense or you'll be in real trouble... hmmmn. Maybe I'll let Crabby handle that one...

    Holly, thanks for the link!

    Red, I'd forgotten the left-handed whopper until I read that Top Hoaxes site.

    Dr. J, the best part was -- the girlfriend bought all of his excuses!

    Reb, thank you!

    Chickengirl, stop that! O, the shame. I should warn everyone not to click on that link ;)

    Clare2e, it wasn't your fault. It was self-defense. The Easter Candy was clearly a threat to your sanity and leaving it around would have constituted provocation. Any sane judge would let you off. No worries.

    Stephanie, that's a good idea. Maybe we could put together a t-shirt that says "been there, done that"?

    Geosomin, I missed the flying penguins! Wikipedia had way too much fun with an article on Ima Hogg.

    Cara, welcome back! We will send you a hand-crafted excuse to get out of working so much. It's Not Good for You!

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  11. Missicat -- if they remade "Welcome Back, Kotter" who would you have play Epstein?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dang, another great post I missed out on while on the road. (Well, I got a sneak preview before I left). But great comments--you folks are clearly clever enough to write your own excuses!

    ReplyDelete

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