October 04, 2007

Guest Post: The Bag Lady on Sex and the Country Girl

Who says you have to have a blog to do Guest Blogging?

The Bag Lady, so named because she's the inventor and manufacturer of these handy items, takes to it like a pro. The photo is hers too--she didn't just swipe it from somewhere like Crabby tends to do. You may recognize her from her amusing contributions to the comments section. And now, here she is with her very own post.

Take it away, Bag Lady!

SEX and the Country Girl

Well, okay, this isn’t about sex, but got your attention, didn’t it? With Crabby away, the Bag Lady thought she would try to fill Crabby’s shoes/claws.

Actually, she started out trying to think how she could relate to a bunch of fitness buffs when she is, in reality, quite lazy, slothful, overweight and generally all-around not much good at anything in particular. So, with that out of the way, she’ll try to bluff her way through this.

Life out here in the country is challenging for someone with the Bag Lady’s limited capabilities. Being accustomed to the sedentary life, having in her previous incarnation been a city girl with an office-type job, it has proven to be an eye-opening experience. For all of you trapped in concrete, the fresh air alone takes some getting used to. Especially during the spring thaw, when it is perfumed by eau de manure.

Which brings to mind yet another aspect of country life - cows. Those big (and I do mean Big!) deceptively placid creatures who populate the countryside, quietly munching their way through life. They need to be fed, watered, and generally cared for. When calving season comes, they need to be checked constantly (every 2 hours, 24/7) to ensure that they aren’t having any trouble producing their off-spring. This task eventually fell to the Bag Lady when her spouse was away. She will spare you some of the Icky Details, but has to confess that in her wildest dreams as a singing, tap-dancing, amateur thespian-type urbanite, never thought she would one day find herself with her arm up to the shoulder inside the business end of a bovine! Especially when one considers the orifice directly above the one containing said arm.

Occasionally, those cows need to be moved from one place to another. This is where the fitness aspect of ranching comes into play. Cows are generally easy to deal with, as long as you can convince them that it is their own idea to go into that corral/barn/pasture/whatever. If they decide there’s no f***ing way, you have to be able to move quickly and nimbly, something not in the Bag Lady’s repertoire. That said, she has surprised even herself with her ability to get the hell out of the way of a charging 1500 lb cow intent on doing her serious bodily harm. Certainly qualifies as aerobic exercise in the Bag Lady’s experience. (Envision a chubby older woman, doing the 100 yard dash, yelling “What the f**k am I doing here, I’m a dental assistant, for Christ’s sake!”)

Calves are fun. They are so cute, especially when they are learning how to move their bodies. Usually around the age of 2 days, they are running, jumping, kicking up their back legs and generally goofing around. Mock bull fights with other calves or their mother, sniffing at the dog, then startling and running away when he licks their nose. They also contribute to the Bag Lady’s fitness routine. Calves need to have ear-tags inserted, and various other things done to them, which is easiest when they are small. Being small (roughly 100 – 150 lbs) doesn’t mean they can’t kick, squirm, wiggle and generally exhaust you. Wrangling some 40 or 50 calves in a hot, smelly barn filled with bawling calves, in the mud and the blood and the shit, while their mothers are outside, bawling for their babies, is something no fitness centre can compete with. Who needs Snoop Dawg when you can have a chorus of honking, bellowing cows expressing their displeasure?

Has the Bag Lady bored you to tears yet? There are other aspects to her fitness routine. For example, you have those step-thingys in your gyms – the Bag Lady has her tractor. Feeding the cows every day in the winter means getting in and out of the tractor roughly 14 or 15 times. (You get in to drive the tractor out of the shop, you get out to close the shop door, you get back in, drive to pick up the big round bale, get out to open the gate, get in to drive through the gate, get out to shut the gate, get in to drive to where you put the feed, get out to cut the strings off…you get the picture.) This is every day – there is no Not Doing It Because I Don’t Feel Like Exercising Today.

Gee, the Bag Lady just checked her word count—she’ll just have to save all the other fun stuff for another day! Hope you enjoyed your foray into country life. (Next time we'll have the sex part…)


  1. Hilarious, Bag Lady. Absolutely hilarious. And yet true.
    Love the cow pic.

  2. Um, Bag Lady? When the exercise gurus told you to stretch your calves, they didn't mean you to take it literally ;)

    I agree with Leah. Great post, guaranteed to make the reader smile.

  3. Oh, like you expected me to let that one pass by... ;)

  4. Leah, I'm sure you recognize that look on the cow's face - that's the one that says "I'm gonna seriously mess you up if you come any closer!" - her newborn calf was lying right in front of me when I took that.
    Too funny, Mary! I knew I was doing something wrong...

  5. Very funny!

    I'm telling you, Bag Lady, you need your own blog.

    You might want to call it "Working Off My Derriere in the Dairy Air"

  6. After college my best friend and I decided to do a 'walk-a-bout' in New England. He had relatives who ran a dairy farm in Massachusetts, so we worked the farm for a week. That was hard work! The ladies needed daily attention every 12 hours, but hey, with all those big brown eyes looking at you, who could say no!
    Thanks for the post!


  7. Oh sis, that was pmsl funny! Good post.

    I think you'll have to guest blog on my site next. That will make three then you'll have to start your own!

  8. Thank you, Crabby, for linking to Bag Lady's post at my blog. Sorry I didn't do it earlier, but I was laughing too hard.

  9. Oh Reb, that might not be a good idea if you're superstitious. You know what they say.

    Three times a blogsmaid...

  10. Some (most?) days I would love to trade my boring desk job to run after calves...*sigh*

  11. Hilary, one of these days a pun is going to make me fall out of my chair, and I'm charging you for the medical bills. Do you know how much it costs to fix a fractured humorous?

  12. Jim, a fractured funny bone would not be humerus.. well it would, but it wouldn't. I just elbowed my way to your (now bookmarked) blog. Now I'm hungry!

  13. Gee, if I had known how much fun you all would have at my expense, I'd have done this sooner!

    Marijke, glad you enjoyed it.

    Hilary, love that bun pun...I may even use that!

    Reb - anytime, in spite of Hilary's superstitions!

    Dr. J - glad you can relate, although a dairy farm is, in lots of ways, a lot harder than what I do. At least I don't have to milk the cows twice a day! That's not to say I haven't milked a cow or two, but not every day!

    Missicat, I'm pretty sure you'd change your mind and run screaming back to your boring desk job as soon as one of those calves kicked you in the leg! It really, really hurts... No, I mean, Really Hurts.
    (their cute little hooves are so sharp!)

  14. Oh, and Crabby? Thank you so much for allowing me to post on your blog! This has been great fun and I've enjoyed myself immensely.

  15. awww too cute!! Did you let dad read this since he thinks it should be part of everyones daily life?! lol Luv ya and thanks for the smiles and giggles, next post you should include a picture of what bruiser did to your shins ;)

  16. Chrystal - don't tell your dad I'm blogging - you'll get me in trouble!!
    Too bad I didn't take a photo of what Bruiser did to me... Gee, that would make another good post though, wouldn't it?

  17. Bag Lady, thank you so much, not only for the great post but for attracting some of the greatest groaniest punsters around! Calf stretches, humorous bones, Dairy Airs, blogsmaids...

    I love that people are trying to milk these jokes for everything they're worth.

  18. Bag Lady, I agree with hilary-You need your own blog!

    (and how cute was that 'don't tell dad comment!?' Thanks for the laugh!)

  19. Glad you got a laugh, Katieo - I really meant that about not telling - I don't want to be grounded and lose my 'puter privileges! ;)

  20. Crabby, you are no McSlacker at puns either!

  21. Bag Lady,

    So I leave my computer for a few days and you sneak in a guest post and a very funny one at that!

    Well, I found you and I must say you are the bravest person I know. There are country people and city people. I am a city person because I was born and raised and continue to live in the greatest city in the world (I know, Dawn gets tired of me saying that all the time) New York!! I cannot imagine having the courage to just change not only my location but my entire lifestyle! Bravo for your courage and your humor.


  22. Terrie:
    Thank you so much for the great compliment! I don't know if it's bravery or stupidity! ;) Personally, I think it takes a lot of bravery to live in New York- I'd be terrified most of the time.
    It has been a bit of an adjustment, and a lot of my city-dwelling friends thought I had lost my mind, but it has worked out well for me. There are a lot of things about living in the city that I miss (take-out food comes immediately to mind!), but there are a lot of things I don't miss! And I can run around the yard naked if I want to (not that I have ever wanted to, but I could...) And I get to drive a really cool wheel-loader to feed the cows, so that makes up for a lot... And wear those really stylish insulated green rubber boots instead of high heels. Oh, I could go on and on...

  23. Bag Lady that was great. Do you make bags, Leather bags :-) Probably not. hmmm but I bet all of your cows have clean teeth.


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