Hmm...The Real "Crabby" and "Mary?" You Never Know!
(Image courtesy of Plan59)
(Image courtesy of Plan59)
Mary: Hey, what happened? What am I doing here in Crabby's Random Friday post? Where are the beer studies and the cat pictures and the monkeys doing sit-ups?
Crabby: Hi Mary! Don't worry, you're supposed to be here. It's part of the Crab's evil scheme to enslave... er, invite you to become a regular here at the blog. The randomness shall soon return... perhaps even next week.
Mary: So you didn't drag me over here just because you forgot to find Random Research for this week?
Crabby: Um, no, of course not! Say... don't suppose you happen to have any Random Research on you?
Mary: (Patting her pockets) Gosh, I don't think so, but... Oh wait--here's a scholarly article! What a coincidence. Crabby? What the heck are you doing?
(Odd crackling and rustling noises... sounding curiously like the shedding of a thick crustacean shell)
Crabby: I'm just so thrilled to have company today I thought I'd slip out of the third person. Me, me, me! My, my, my! I, I, I-- Gosh, that feels good!
Mary: Holy @$#! Is that what a crab actually looks like without a shell? Um, I mean, hey! Good for you. Healthy self-confidence and all that.
Crabby: So do you think readers will notice that we're stealing ideas from Elastic Waist and having a little chat together the way Weetabix and Anne do?
Mary: Stealing? Let's just say we're "borrowing." Or a simple case of... co-evolution. At least that's what I plan on telling the lawyers if they come by asking questions.
Crabby: Lawyers? Yikes! Good thing I'm just a crab. I think marine creatures are hard to sue.
Mary: We'll hope it doesn't come to that. Otherwise, you might have to shell out a lot of clams...
Crabby: So what's this scholarly article you've got for us? I'm getting pretty behind in my blog reading so I'm not sure I'll have a chance to...
Mary: You mean Exploring the Mind-Body Orgasm?
Crabby: Oh! Perhaps I might have time to take a peek after all.
Mary: I know it's not your regular blog subject matter -- and some blogs wouldn't touch the topic with a 10 foot pole.
Crabby: So to speak.
Mary: Not that the size of the pole is relevant ...um ... ahem. Anyway, I understand Cranky Fitness is not troubled by questions of regularity or even irregularity for that matter.
Crabby: No. We're always so regular here we don't even make an issue of it. It's probably all that coffee first thing in the morning. Anyway, tell us more about this mind/body/orgasm thing.
Mary: Well, what's really intriguing about this study is how much of human sexuality occurs above the waist or even above the neck. Literally, in the case of that one woman with the vibrator on her neck... Okay, now stop giggling.
Crabby: I didn't think you could hear me!
Mary: The point is that a whole lot of human experience occurs in the mind. Including fitness.
Crabby: That's right. And cupcake cravings! They occur in the mind too. Not far from where the orgasms live, I think, but I don't have a brain map handy.
Mary: I have a brain map around somewhere... I'll lend it to you. Once I find where I put it. And you're right -- cupcake cravings are a seriously under-researched phenomenon.
Crabby: We need more cupcake research! Where do I sign up? I hear a lot of studies have trouble getting enough volunteers...
Mary: I'm not sure the orgasm study had that problem.
Crabby: Ah. So somehow they have found selfless volunteers willing to have orgasms for the greater good. Even knee-orgasms! That was the best part of the article. I was very pleased to learn people can have knee orgasms and nose orgasms.
Mary: ANYway, I would argue that being able to accept yourself as a sexual creature is a sign of fitness.
Crabby: Fitness? Really? Are you saying we can skip all that tiresome aerobic stuff and just start sleeping around instead? But I suppose some people might say that's immoral.
Mary: It's not a question of morality; I'm not trying to dictate how or even if you express the sexual side of yourself. I'm suggesting it might be a good idea to accept that it exists.
Crabby: We have sexual sides? Horrors!
Mary: (Balances herself precariously on a rickety soap box) It should be possible to discuss sex without becoming Puritanical. Americans in particular (like me) tend to automatically go into Puritan mode if the subject comes up.
Crabby: Puritan Mode? I'm not sure I've ever been in Puritan Mode. Sounds like a new boutique--I bet they've got lots of practical smocks and sensible shoes! I'll have to check it out.
Mary: Just make sure to avoid any smocks with the letter 'A' on them...
Crabby: Oh, right. But scarlet is such a pretty color!
Mary: I'm reminded of a story that Helene Hanff used to tell: when the Pilgrim fathers caught a man having a love affair with a cow, they not only hanged the man, they hanged the cow. Let's try to look at this study without having a cow about it.
Crabby: Well put!
Mary: (Struggling to stay balanced on the soap box) From the point of view of the biologist, sex is the most fundamental human drive. Trust me on this. I've dated biologists. If even sexuality is to a large extent carried on in the brain, how much more should we be focusing our minds on trying to achieve other goals as well?
Crabby: Other goals?
Mary: Physical fitness, mental fitness, a sense of humor, an end to global warming, damnit... all of this starts in the brain.
Crabby: Wow. I could swear the only thing in my brain are neurotic tendencies and a bunch of old tv commercial jingles! (My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R ...)
Mary: (to herself) Hmmmn. She names her delicatessen comestibles. I think I'm in trouble here... (falls over with a crash)...
Crabby: Oh dear. Mary? Mary? Are you OK? Want to wish all the Cranky Fitness readers a Happy Friday?