November 22, 2007

The Holidays - A Survival Quiz

Note: This post was not written by Crabby, but by Mary, who hosts the awesome blog Sheesh. Does this mean Crabby is heading off for another extended unannounced vacation and filling in with guest posts? You wish!

Nah, Crabby is still very much here, busy preparing for Thanksgiving -- in fact, she's probably in the kitchen this very moment pilfering marshmallows meant for the yams preparing healthy side dishes for the Thanksgiving feast. Or gosh, she might be just pausing for a second or two to recall petty childhood grievances and figure out how to work them into conversations feel grateful for chance to reminisce with family about all those good times!

(For further explanation as to Mary's mysterious presence here and other Blog Announcements, see the preceding post in which all some is revealed!

But don't go anywhere before testing your holiday readiness with the...


1. Your aunt Gussie serves the world's richest brownies. She also can whip up a formidable side dish of Guilt if you don't appreciate her food. Food is love. Refusing her brownies would lead into a treacherous quagmire of intrafamilial politics and possibly World War III. What do you do?

a) Gush enthusiastically, and put the tray of brownies on the low table, which by an amazing coincidence is exactly on the same level as your three-year-old nephew and your cousin's four-year-old twins. Look puzzled when, a few minutes later, the tray is completely empty.

b) Take one brownie. Tell your aunt Gussie that you promised your mother you would always chew your food 30 times. Lose count and have to start over again.

c) Eat the whole tray of brownies yourself and resolve to do better next time.

2. Your aunt Agnes has sent you her best regards and… cue dramatic music… her DAFC (dreaded annual fruit cake). Luckily, she lives on the other side of the continent. You can either:

a) Write her a blissfully ecstatic thank you card and throw the DAFC in the trash.

b) Write a b.e.t.y. card and save the fruitcake for the office lunchroom.

c) Eat the damn thing, which will of course make you so nauseous that you are disinclined to eat ever again, thus resulting in a negative caloric gain over the holidays. Don't forget the thank you card.

3. Your aunt Petey lives across town. There is no escape when she comes over for a holiday dinner with a pleased look on her face and a dish of a marshmallowy sweet potato confection in her hands. Do you:

a) Accidentally drop your serving on the floor and sigh dramatically when the dog eats it.

b) Eat only a few bites, mentioning your recently discovered allergy to marshmallows.

c) Eat the whole thing, rationalizing it with the theory that sweet potatoes are vegetables and vegetables are good for you.

4. The admin in your office comes in with several batches of homemade fudge in different flavors. She beams at you proudly when you walk into the office lunchroom and then she invites you to try one … of each batch. Do you:

a) Run screaming from the office, lodge a claim of caloric harassment, sue your company for millions of dollars, and end up buying a yacht in the Caribbean.

b) Take one piece of fudge, smile, and say that you want to leave some for the rest of the group.

c) Have several pieces of each batch. You don't want to hurt her feelings.


One point for each a answer. Two points for each b answer. Three points for each c answer.

Your results:

4 points: you are devious, dramatic, and/or demented. I like you.

5-8 points: you are a moderately well adjusted person who will probably gain a pound or two, but otherwise make it through the holidays relatively unscathed ( i.e. you won't have to face any scathing relatives).

9 or more points: you're doomed, but at least you're enjoying the ride. Hide the scale and all your mirrors until January.


  1. Hey, give the marshmallowy sweet potato confection to Crabby, she has NO trouble convincing herself it's a vegetable!

    (Though generally I find myself in the boring Moderate group, with a tendency towards Deviousness.)

  2. You had me at "brownies."

    I want your relatives and co-workers.

    Guess what my score was! ;)

    Welcome, Mary :)


    ...but I already knew that!

    Loved it :)

  4. LOLOL! I scored "8". What a fun -- and funny -- quiz!

    Happy Thanksgiving to you. :-D

  5. Mmm brownies & fudge! The fruit cake can go to the office and the dog can have the pie. Damn, now I have to go bake!

    Welcome, Mary!

  6. Hey, where'd the Bag Lady's comment go?
    Great post, Mary! The Bag Lady is in the boring moderate group, too.
    And Crabby, you are welcome to the whole sweet potato/marshmallow thing (shudder) - that's not something that appeals to the Bag Lady. Now, if there were butter tarts or shortbread cookies involved, it would be a different matter!

  7. The brownies and fudge woould be a problem....but the others? ICK! I've never actually had sweet potatoes with just sounds gross.

    "lodge a claim of caloric harassment" Can we do this??? Dang! Why didn't anyone tell me? I would already have a yacht....just from my immediate supervisor!!

  8. You guys don't know what you're missing with the candied yams topped with roasted marshmallows!

    And Bag Lady--the internet comment-stealing aliens seem to be out in full force these days, they've swiped a number of mine.

  9. Hi Mary! *waving* And good to meet you Crabby! I followed Mary here from her blog, and I've been enjoying catching up on your posts.

    I am in the boring, moderate group. Le sigh.

  10. Nice to meet you Theresa! (And lets hear it for us boring moderates).

  11. Wow, that's a welcome! Thank you!
    *waves back at Theresa* -- and thank you Crabby for letting me vent this post about my tragic childhood ;)

    (Actually, I think I'm safe: none of these aunts have any desire to navigate the Internet. And yes, their names are Gussie, Petey, and Agnes, though two of those names are nicknames.)

    The Fudge episode ... Sometimes I wonder about that Admin. Ever since she started taking that anti-fat drug Alli, she's been bringing in lots of food that she's made at home, or ordering extra pizzas to share with the group, or something like that. Nice woman, but her weight-loss strategy seems to be to make us all not so thin. :(

  12. i was a tad bit too late in reading this...wont be able to use any of it.


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