October 01, 2009

Clumsy Fitness?

*tap* *tap* Er...hello? Hi!

Can you all... ....sorry. Can you all hear me at the back?

Thanks. (adjusts microphone)

I'm Jo, from Head Nurse and The Wednesday Whine. Crabby invited me over here to do some posting, not knowing that not only am I almost as grouchy as she is about exercise, fitness, and livin' right, but also that I might possibly be the most clumsy exerciser in the history of ever. And the least dedicated. And the most resentful. And the fondest of poutine, large slabs of meat, and Scotch.

I have a dog named Max, two cats, and a trainer I call Attila. All of these characters figure prominently in the clumsiness department, less so in the "large slabs of meat and Scotch" department, and not at all when it comes to poutine. I share my poutine with noone.

"So," you're probably asking yourself, "how clumsy and resentful is she, really?" Well, let me tell you:

Attila and I have been together for three years now. In that three years, I've taken one really spectacular sideways fall (over a step), one particularly nice backward roll (off an incline bench), and a truly incredible faceplant (off a stability ball). So far I've not fallen into Attila, but it's only a matter of time.

Last night, she devised an exercise so awful, so evil, so demanding of balance, coordination, and strength, that it's probably covered under the Geneva Conventions. This is how it goes:

Strap on a pair of three-pound ankle weights. Grab a couple of ten-pound barbells. Now squat while holding the barbells down by your sides. So far, so good, right?

While coming up out of the squat, lift your hands (with the barbells still in them, sorry) up over your head in a sort of lat-fly movement, while doing a side leg-lift.

It's to my credit that I managed to not-quite fall down while executing that move. It's to Attila's credit that she managed to keep her hilarity level down to a soft snicker. I asked her, point-blank, if she'd brought in this new idea in order to see if I'd fall over while trying it, and she admitted that yes, it had been a while since I'd done something really funny, and she was getting bored.

So, even if I'm grouchy and resentful, I seem to be good for something. I'm hoping I can be good for something here, too, even if it's only to give Crabby something to laugh at.

Thanks for the welcome messages below, by the way! I love Merry's writing and will miss her, and I can't ever hope to fill her shoes. Even if I tried, I'd probably slip and take a tumble in them.

45 comments:

  1. Hooray for grouchiness and clumsiness!

    Although I'm not sure I can believe you are all that clumsy if you managed to execute that move without ending up in an emergency room.

    Welcome, Jo, I'm thrilled to have you aboard!

    I'll keep my hands of your Scotch and poutine as long as you leave me my cupcakes and merlot. Deal? (And I don't CARE what they said in Sideways, I like merlot just fine!)

    The meat slabs, however, we may have to armwrestle over, as every now and then I must satisfy carnivorous cravings. (Hey, did someone leave a steak in the Cranky Fitness Fridge? Mmmm....)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great to have you here, Jo!

    You may have your meat and poutine, I only take a sip of Scotch once in a while (meaning once a year or less, although I enjoy the daylights out of it when I do), so there is plenty in the bottle for us to share, and I am glad to know I'm not the only one who can fall off the equipment easily.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This sounds like the kind of moves my trainer would make up as well. I usually have to stop a few times to get the coordination right, and I need to concentrate very hard to make sure that the weights aren't flying out of my hands into his head (or worse!)

    Looking forward to reading more from you!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Welcome Jo! I can't wait to hear more from you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. WELCOME!!!! Holy crap!!! I have done a lot of sh*t in my days of exercising but nothing like that & I don't think I want to!!! But I think you have set up a challenge for me! :-) Good thing my gym does not have to 10 pound barbells!!!! Oh, I know, I could use weight plates!

    Loved your first post!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Welcome Jo! You may keep your meat and your Scotch, but please may I have some poutine? Please?

    ReplyDelete
  7. Welcome, Jo! Sounds like you will fit in just fine around here!
    Anyone who likes meat, poutine and Scotch can hang with me.... I'll bring the homegrown, natural beef if you supply the poutine!! :)

    And I hear ya on the clumsiness - I fell over just reading your description of that exercise. (Oh, wait, falling over laughing doesn't really count as clumsiness, does it?)
    :)
    Nice to have you aboard!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Get those falls on tape!
    I have fallen and it hurts but I can relate. I fell thru my deck down 10 feet below. And I would have preferred another route but it got me downstairs quickly.

    Good to see a new face.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hi and welcome here!

    I must admit to being a pretty clumsy exerciser too, even if I usually manage to hide the grouchiness.

    Took a nasty tumble off my bike into the middle of a road filled with speeding traffic. Fotunately, I just injured my back, arm, ankles and left a nasty gash in my knee. Not getting hit by a car or cracking my skull was true genius on my part!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Umm, by the way, what is poutine?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Nice to meet you Jo! Look forward to hearing more about your adventures with Atilla!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Poutine, eh?
    Any Tortiere and Nanaimo bars as well?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Moonduster, poutine is the food of the Gods. It's a Quebecois concoction of french fries, cheese curds, and brown gravy (with additional things like bacon if you're not a purist). It's best eaten in the dead of winter after a long night of beer and pool-playing.

    Unfortunately, it is not included in Weight Watchers' list of Core Foods.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Welcome Jo! Three falls in three years isn't bad...so far I've only done a faceplant off a weight bench while (trying) to do push ups, but I always feel like I'm on the precipice of doing another equally embarrassing move. Glad to have you along for the ride!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Welcome, Jo! It's good to have a fellow clumsily prone person about.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Haha! I'm totally clumsy too. My old trainer used to put me on a bosu and make me lift weights and make him an apple pie at the same time. I can't even stand on one leg without tipping over, much less on a bosu.

    Oh, and he used to laugh when the medicine ball he was throwing at me almost hit me in the face. I told him that I'd send him the bill after my plastic surgery.

    So, thanks for the post, it makes me feel better about myself!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Jo - Don't worry about clumsiness. I was doing cable crosses, and the carabeners on the cables hooked into each other. One of the really musclebound types came to my rescue, but still, I had no idea what to do.

    Welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Welcome it's great to read you hear! HA! I love that you have an Atilla...I too have a few at my gym and yet I continue to go back. Whose the dumb one? LOL

    Welcome Again

    ReplyDelete
  19. Poutine! I learned of its wonders from a Canadian dorm-mate many years ago. Also the joys of snow golf. The latter sounds like it would be prime for spectacular falls :)

    Welcome -- looking forward to reading more.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Welcome Jo! Enjoyed your first post. I hear you on the clumsy exercise thing...my most shining moment lately was wrecking on my bike going 20 miles an hour right in front of one of my student staff members. Luckily he didn't laugh too much and helped me get my beat up body back up. Anyway, looking forward to seeing more posts from you.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hi, Jo. I enjoyed your first post. My lack of coordination has surfaced many times at the gym. I like to give the drones on the treadmills something to giggle about. :o)

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  23. fancy moves with dumbbells = gross cruelty

    I wiki'd poutine. I'll never be the same again. *salivates*

    ReplyDelete
  24. Welcome.
    I left a message here a few hours ago and can't find it.
    Love Clumsy Fitness.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Welcome! I am a fellow clutz so I look forward to reading your adventures :)

    I am still grateful that Twilight made it cool to be clutzy. I'm cool. Finally! Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Glad I'm not the only clumsy one out there! I'll keep my hands off your meat, I'd love to try poutine (don't know where to find it down here), and I'd love to sit and share some Scotch (which is admittedly my guiltiest of pleasures).

    ReplyDelete
  27. I'm a scotch person myself. I had some 30 year old scotch at a wedding... some of the finest tasting alcohol EVER. Hooah!

    Oh and welcome. Don't trip over stuff now...

    ReplyDelete
  28. Welcome Jo! I'm looking forward to reading more. . .

    ReplyDelete
  29. Welcome to Cranky Fitness, Jo!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Welcome!
    Those stability balls have a mind of their own, you know ;)

    ReplyDelete
  31. Welcome! It's great to have you here and I'm looking forward to your posts.

    cammi99

    ReplyDelete
  32. This is hilarious! Great first post!

    ReplyDelete
  33. mmmm Poutine. Sudden craving. Scotch. Only had it once. 50 year old scotch with 100,000 year old ice. As we sailed past a glacier on the way to Alaska. My father in law thought old scotch and older ice was called for.
    Welcome aboard. Glad to hear I am not the only one with a crazy trainer. Compound moves lead to compound fractures I tell her but she never listens.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Welcome Jo! I stay away from stability balls - they're extremely dangerous for those of us who are clumsiness prone! My first try using one, I managed to fall onto the poor dog (partially his fault, he thought the ball was a toy for him).

    ReplyDelete
  35. Hi Jo :) Welcome. You are in excellent company. Excelent.

    ReplyDelete
  36. Nice to meet you, Jo!

    I laughed, having only just two nights ago tripped and nearly sprained an ankle for about the four millionth time. I am clumsy just walking around, so don't feel bad!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Welcome Jo. Of course, now I am craving poutine and steak. As far as clumsy, you are far from being alone...I trip over speed bumps that I walk over daily!

    ReplyDelete
  38. Welcome, Jo.

    Three falls is nothing, honey. (And I have to confess when you described Attila's latest sadism I thought "huh...should try that one" but that's because I'm brain damaged. From all the falling.)

    I managed to fall off a four-inch curb at 5:00 on an unseasonably gorgeous Friday afternoon of President's Day weekend, literally cut all the way through my chin with my chin bone (my hands were full, natch), bled all over my relatively new cashmere sweater, and spent the next six hours at our lickety-split ER waiting to get a baker's dozen stitches. Which I was told by a coworker the next week looked "just like a little goatee!" Thanks. (For reference, I'm a chick.)

    Right there with you on Scotch, poutine, and meat slabs too! This looks like the beginning of a beautiful blog-ship...

    ReplyDelete
  39. nothing big to say ... just hi and welcome!

    ReplyDelete
  40. I'm pretty sure your trainer and my trainer are roommates!

    ReplyDelete
  41. Welcome, Jo. Cranky and Clumsy .. sounds like the beginning of a beautiful fitness relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Welcome! It's nice to hear from someone who is clumsy like me. I have a shocking lack of coordination that it seems almost a miracle that I have been able to move enough to lose even 1 pound.
    Happy Blogging!

    ReplyDelete
  43. Welcome, Jo!

    Look on the bright side. At least you have yet to knock your own ankles together in the middle of a public dance class.

    (And yes, it hurts as much as you'd think. Even when your compassionate classmates keep the snickering down to a dull roar.)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting, Cranky Fitness readers are the BEST!

Subscribe to comments via RSS

(Note: Older Comment Threads Are Moderated)