The headline sounded too silly to be true: "Pentagon Confirms It Sought To Build A 'Gay Bomb.'"
Crabby tried to picture what a "Gay Bomb" could possibly be. Would the army actually seek to engineer and deploy exploding homosexuals?
The United States government seems to have an irrational dislike of gay people, but even for them, that sounded extreme.
But no, this was a way better idea than blowing gays up--the Pentagon seriously thought about building a bomb that would create more gay people. Out of enemy soldiers! Cool beans, as a young person might say.
Crabby is going to borrow extensively from reporter Hank Plante's informative article, just 'cause he did a good job and she's lazy. (Crabby hopes nice ol' Hank won't sue her for copyright infringement. She's not exactly clear on how much borrowing is "fair use"--lots and lots, is what she's hoping).
So anyway, a guy named Edward Hammond, whom we hope is a long-haired hippie peacenik (since he's from something called the "Sunshine Project" in Berkeley) but whom we suspect is just a regular boring attorney or something, did some digging. And he found an Air Force chemical weapons proposal.
What did this proposal propose, exactly? "One distasteful but completely non-lethal example would be strong aphrodisiacs," it said, "especially if the chemical also caused homosexual behavior." The Air Force lab then asked for $7.5 million to develop this "gay bomb."
The Pentagon actually confirmed this: the proposal was made in 1994. A Department of Defense spokesperson claimed that the idea was quickly dismissed, but Hammond (the hippie, we still hope) says otherwise. He contends that the Pentagon used this gay bomb idea repeatedly "and in fact they submitted it to the highest scientific review body in the country for them to consider."
So, um, is it too late? A bomb that would spread aphrodisiacs; a chemical that would target warring soldiers bent on killing other soldiers and sometimes innocent civilians, a bomb so terrible it would turn them instead into loving, possibly same-sex attracted, Romance Machines?
Where can we get this stuff?
First stop for our bombing runs: the White House and the Pentagon. Next: a good chunk of Red State Middle America.
Is that all we need, $7.5 million? Crabby is so, so ready to donate.