March 16, 2015

Bad Fitness Poetry, Yet Again

photo: wikimedia

By Crabby McSlacker

In case you weren't permanently scarred by the Whole Foods Haiku post (continued over at Fitness Tabby by Dave, with much more wit and skill), here is some more awful health and fitness poetry!... Or should I say fitness Poe-etry?

Once upon a treadmill dreary,
While I slogged there, weak and weary
Watching others 'round me walking, running, jogging, or just gawking;
Summoning determination... suddenly, an inspiration!
Check my steps for motivation:
Surely I'll have steps galore!

Cold digits flashing on my wrist
Did not remotely get the gist,
Did barely even hint at mileage, born of toil without much smileage.
Curse you, wristband, curse your error!
You're no helpmate you're a terror
Surely I've done steps galore!

Quoth the Fibit: You need more.

"No way!" said I, "I've been here ages!"
Squelching moans and tears and rages,
Countless times my feet have fallen, to be so dissed, it is appallin!
You piece of crap, it seems you're broken
That's all you've got? You must be jokin'.
Surely I've done steps galore!

Quoth the Fitbit: You need more.

This can't be right! I thought while sweating,
Dumb device must be forgetting
All my travels to and fro; not just the treadmill, no, no no!
I've logged these miles I'm sure by wandering, 'round the house while deeply pondering:
Where is my phone? Where are my glasses?...
Surely I've got steps galore?

Quoth the Fitbit:  You need more.

Want Better Poe-etry?

Well, you could go directly to Ol' Edgar Allan Poe himself.

photo: wikimedia

But I'd recommend Jack Sh*t's take on the Raven, much more true to the original than mine, way more thorough, and funny as hell.

Anyone else like to play with bad rhyme? Or ever been frustrated by a stubborn activity tracker?


  1. Death Ride GrandmaMarch 16, 2015 at 11:49 AM

    Yes. Well, I like the idea, but never really pull it together the way you do! And yes, I swear the seconds counter on the treadmill slows way down as soon as I start to run an interval. Really, I should not have time to think about so many things between second 3 and second 4. Grrr. And I went out and splurged on a gps watch when I did my winter running, and I only wear it while running, but it doesn't seem to get that. If I happen to pick it up or glance at it as I wander by, the biggest thing on the screen is the word, "MOVE!" I have to resist trying to make excuses to the watch. I really don't think I should feel like I have to make excuses to a mechanical device.

    1. It is indeed a sad state of affairs DRG when we end up rationalizing ourselves to our gadgets! Who's in charge, us or our... Oops, gotta run, my phone says I have a text coming in.... :)

      (And did you see OTF's 2nd comment below re Beckett's table? Be sure to pop down!

  2. This makes me think of Drew over at Toothpaste for Dinner. Bad Poetry? Oh Noetry! :D

  3. OH! Also, someone, back ages ago when you posted about the resort you went to in Scottsdale (I think), made a comment about some restaurants their son worked at in Phoenix. (I think it was their son.)

    Anyway, all I know is that I saved the restaurant names, and this weekend when we were in Phoenix for Spring Training, we had a DELICIOUS meal at Beckett's Table, so big thanks to whoever mentioned that one. It was funny to explain how I'd found the restaurant. "so, uh, I read this fitness blog? and a commenter mentioned it?"

    1. Thanks for the toothpaste link, and that's so cool you went to Beckett's Table and that it was awesome! It was DRG's nephew. And can I just say again how much I love Cranky Fitness commenters like you guys???

    2. Yup, my nephew. I will be there for a family thing in a couple of weeks - will be interesting to see if they make any connection between your explanation and me. I am so glad you liked it!

    3. Oh, I was explaining to my in-laws, who were with us for the meal. Everyone was very pleased with everything we ordered!

  4. POETRY...again...

    Ode To My Gym

    Shall I compare thee to my old-school gym?
    Thou art more fair, new, and smells most pleasant,
    Yet I did join you on naught but a whim
    And your lights are all harsh and fluorescent.
    Sometimes too hot burns your exercise room
    in eves when too many sweat, strain and groan.
    But 'tis true that this room summons less gloom,
    Companionship triumphs where fitness is shown
    My old-school gym, now silent and empty
    Stands as a lone testament to the past
    When Jane Fonda urged us to "Feel the Burn".
    We knew this was futile and could not last
    But the future of my new gym in turn?
    To stay or to go is the question true
    The great outdoors beckons, I bid you adieu.

    :) :) :)
    Miss Kim

    1. Miss Kim, you have outdone yourself, I love it! Shakespeare would either be jumping for joy or turning in his grave, depending on his sense of humor. Either way, the old dude could probably use some exercise.

      Thank you so much for this!

    2. Kim,
      That's hot! To paraphrase a modern bard, if you bonnet, put a sonnet on it! I'll drink a Cask of Amontillado to your verse!


    3. LOVE you guys!

  5. This is one reason i don't have one of the gadgets, i would get so angry with it for "lying" to me!

  6. Crabby!
    Yay! Bad poetry! Thanks for the citation above! Yes, I do expect to be arrested for crimes against humor-anity!

    Very nice adaptation of Edgar! He's just who I turn to when I need a pick-me-down. That Fitbit is a cruel master - cruel, but fair. I have the enhanced model, which stops all circulation in your arm until you do your time, face turning 50 Shades of Blue. A couple of limericks...

    There once was a sad sack named Poe
    Who exercised nude in the snow
    He said see my parts
    It's all frozen art
    And MoMA is planning my show

    A demented young wastrel named Edgar
    Pursued a young bicycle peddler
    She drew him right in
    But thwarted his sin
    Her chastity belt was made of Kevlar

    [I know, that's pushing it, but "Edgar" is one tough rhyme!]


    1. You fiendishly clever tabby you! Have you been into the catnip again? :)

    2. Aww, Meow to that!
      Yes, and now I'm feeling all woozy with delight!

      You've given me an idea just now - I might actually use Facebook if they would just let us "fiend" people. You're a Poe-et, and maybe don't know it, your Poe-tential is without question, but is also the answer.

      xo, Tabby

  7. Very nice, Crabby!

    I did a poor re-write of The Road Less Taken a few years ago. That was fun. I guess it's true that we tend to overestimate our activity, but for you, never more.

  8. I am not creative like this but I do swear!!! :)

  9. I'm failing to remember what I re-wrote the Raven for, many years ago. The subject wasn't fitness, I know. Nowadays I mostly do popular songs of the early twentieth century.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

    1. The only one that comes to mind requires some experience of grooming to fully appreciate. The poodle's name was Daisy, and she jerked her feet away from you, as many poodles do, which is why I found myself singing this:

      Daisy, Daisy, give me your front foot, do.
      I'm half crazy, all 'cause I'm grooming you.
      I can't afford a fracture;
      I'm trying to distract yer.
      But you'll look sweet
      If we repeat
      Every [brush] stroke till the comb goes through.

      Mary Anne in Kentucky

    2. Love this Mary Anne I bet the poodle enjoyed it too!

  10. It drives me crazy when Chris ends the day with almost as many steps as me and I ran while he didn't. I do know that he has figured out you can cheat with the Garmin and just swing your arm.

  11. That's just fabulous! Well done.

    I have indeed played with rewording The Raven once, a long time ago. It was dueling entries sent back and forth in email during a long distance relationship more than a decade ago. Fond memories. :)

  12. Hilarious!!! And death to all fitness trackers!

  13. Crabby, this is the best. Hubs and I are always checking our steps and thinking, "Really?!" Those insidious little machines deserve bad poetry! :-D

  14. Your Poe-try is lovely!!! I don't believe I have ever written a poem, unless it was a requirement in school, and even then, I have doubts as to whether I would have. I have also not used an activity tracker, so there has been absolutely no frustration. I think the sunshine and warmer temperatures are making me feel all mellow today…or maybe it was your written word.

  15. <3 <3 <3 <3
    and yet I stilll want a PURPLE FIT BIT CHARGE.

  16. Okay, I'll give it a try...

    Betty Botter bought some butter,
    But, she said, I should be better.
    If I put this in my batter,
    It will make my booty bigger.
    I should not be a butter biter.
    I should cook with something lighter.
    So, she went light on the butter.
    Better food she tried to feed ‘er.
    Tried to treat her body better,
    And her fanny got more fitter.
    So, ‘twas better Betty Botter
    Bought herself a better body.

  17. I'm sure that somewhere around the log cabin about a half mile from our house, there's a force field that causes my Garmin watch to lose miles... or at least stop giving me credit for forward momentum. When I run and up and back, it should be the same distance back as out, right?!

    I used to enjoy trying my hand at poetry, but these days, it takes all I have to write down my miles, the shoes I wore, the terrain, etc., and we won't talk about trying to blog or leave comments... Kudos!!

  18. Great post, my mate works at Fitbit! So I will pass this on! :)


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