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Oh, you're sooooo not here right now.
Well, your body's here, but the mind is still on Weekend Time. It's nice outside. It's after Memorial Day. Heck, it's summer. That means it's time to get out of the stuffy office and... oh crap, that means it's swimsuit time and you're not prepared!!!
Damn! What good was it to promise to be good and "get around to" exercise? Now it's too late!
Self magazine has a list of tips to get flat abs fast, but their definition of 'fast' is 30 days. Who has that time? You've got to take the kids to the pool! Everybody will be watching! Even if you've got instant tan for the paler-than-white skin, where's the instant lipo-suction-in-a-can when you need it?
Swimsuit season is a time for serious angst. I mean, come on. Even if you are in really good shape, a bikini isn't always flattering:
Photo: Mike Baird
The worst pain centers around two areas: trying on the suit and having someone insist on taking your photo while you're wearing the suit. We've* put together some tips on how to cope with Swimsuit Season.
*Okay, that should be I've put together some tips. Don't blame Crabby.
Top ten things not to say to someone who's trying on a swimsuit
10. Oh. It's very... interesting.
9. It's not just you. Polka dots make everyone's hips look wide.
8. Gosh, I didn't know they came in that size.
7. Y'know, one piece suits are much more... slimming.
6. Hey, splashing about in the water isn't all that fun anyway.
5. Gee, you look just like Kirstie Allie.
4. Wow, I didn't know you were expecting.
3. Does a girdle come with that suit?
2. It's the lighting. Fluorescent lights add weight.
1. Can I take your picture?
Top ten ways to ease the pain of getting your picture taken while wearing a swimsuit
10. Get some children to stand in front of you.
9. No, infants don't count.
8. Yes, check with the parents first, or at least make sure you know the parents.
7. Because that's the kind of lawsuit you never want to have to deal with.
6. Preferably children who are rather tall and fidget a lot.
5. Besides, blurry photos can look quite artistic.
4. Especially if you're wearing a floppy hat and sunglasses.
3. Hey, all the celebrities wear that stuff.
2. Well, who cares what the photographer thinks?
1. Look, if they're going to get all huffy, take their picture instead. So there.
If you decide to go the no-suit route (no, not nekkid, clothed)...
If you decide to just wear regular clothes to the beach, remember these tips:
1. Don't wear parachute pants. Baggy pants only make you look thinner if the waist is really loose.
2. You can look thinner if you suck in your gut:
Excellent! Just keep that up until Labor Day, and no worries.
(Jeans photos courtesy of Melting Mama)
For a more serious treatment of this subject, check out the Back in Skinny Jeans post about Bikini Torment. I'm not in a serious frame of mind. Probably because I haven't tried on any swimsuits yet.
Well, how are you going to cope with swimsuit season? Total denial? A what-the-hell attitude? Something in between?