November 10, 2014

Meta Culpa



By Crabby McSlacker

Yep, this is yet another one of those "meta" posts, by which I mean a blog post about blogging.

Oh boy, right? Bet y'all can't wait to read more of THAT shit. Because who cares about all the behind-the-scenes stuff?

But in the same way I might approach an exercise endeavor I'm struggling with, I figure it sometimes helps to:

(a)  Acknowledge fears and insecurities to any innocent bystanders, in case they might be either feeling judgey, or conversely, insecure themselves;

(b)  Set the bar really really really freakin' low; and,

(c)  Jump back in and hope for the best!



Why You Should Feel Free to Skip this Post

As I've mentioned previously, life has been complicated the last few months, what with injuries, family issues, travel, career and writing angst, etc.  But the result of taking a break? Lately I haven't been able to write anything at all that seems worth posting.

(Which never stopped me before, right? But anyway...)

So one thing I began to consider, is that while ideally blogging should be all about what the reader might want to read... maybe sometimes it's gotta be more about what the blogger wants to blog about? Even if it makes for tedious reading?

Thus it seems I need to take yet another moment or two to work through my bloggy heebie-jeebies. Otherwise they may insinuate themselves into every post I write, making for long-ass introductions, hundreds of parentheticals and caveats and... Well, come to think of it, pretty much business as usual.

On the other hand, if I keep meta-blogging and paying absolutely no attention to what blog readers actually care about? You could all go away! Which would make me very, very sad because I love you guys.

So, ya know... tradeoffs.

Anyway, I'm thinking putting my anxieties and hesitations on the table may help me (me! me! It's all about me!!) feel better.  It will also let me offer up self-serving rebuttals and defenses to my own accusations--leading to an improved outlook. And thus allowing me to continue to shovel this shizzle out onto the interwebs every week for years to come!

Top Five Current Cranky Fitness Blog Insecurities:


1. A Shift Away from Sciencey Stuff



photo: flickr

It's been particularly bad in recent months, but over the years I seem to be doing less of the Research Roundup sort of posts and more yammering about my own thoughts and opinions and experiences.

It may get a bit better if/when I get back to posting more regularly, because I actually do spend a lot of time on the web reading bizarre studies about health and fitness, and when I'm in a groove I find it easier to share them.  But I'm thinking it's more likely to be a quick link and a few thoughts about it, rather than an exhaustive compilation.

And so yeah, the blog is getting more personal and subjective, and including more of the weirdo psychological aspects of Healthy Living, not just the exercise and eating stuff.  I was a shrink, and still am a life coach, and that kinda stuff fascinates me.

2. Take My Advice?

Don't you hate when someone acts like an expert when they have no clue what they're talking about? Welcome to Cranky Fitness!  I tend to offer opinions about EVERYTHING, regardless of whether I have any expertise or not.

I seem to have this irresistible urge to write from a smarty-pants advice-giving perspective.  The whole "Tips" or "Tricks" or "Lessons I Learned" or "How Not to do XYZ" format.

Why can't I just say, for example, "hey, while I was visiting my family I tried my sister's mountain bike! Some things sucked and some didn't!"



But no, if I ever get around to writing the mountain bike post, it will no doubt contain Tips for Total Chicken-Shits Like Me On How Not to Maim or Kill Yourself on a Mountain Bike.

Why the constant advice thing? Well, here's how it goes down:  (a) I experience something (b) I totally over-think it (c) I synthesize my various insights and observations and come up with vast overgeneralizations and  (d) I absolutely CAN NOT STAND keeping these to myself!

(Just be really glad you aren't married to me).

However, in my defense (she proclaimed, trying hard to convince herself...):

1.  The Google likes tips and tricks and advice, even from inexperienced idiots.

2.  There are likely a lot of other like me people who dabble and futz around and experiment, and who frequently find themselves flailing or fearful or frustrated when it comes to things that Actual Experts don't even think to explain.  Advice for Clueless and Cranky Beginners, by an actual Clueless Cranky beginner? Hey, from that perspective, I am kind of an expert!

3. Saying The Same Things Over and Over Again.

image: atomsmasher

OK, we covered that last post, how 'bout I be all contrarian and don't repeat myself for once?

4. Changing My Mind And Not Following Through on Stuff.



photo: cheezburger
I am Queen of saying I'm going to write about a topic and then never getting around to doing it.  Or saying that I'm going to start a new ongoing feature, or make Cranky Fitness a Team Blog, or start doing something about other forms of social media, or start a mailing list, or quit blogging entirely, or whatever.

But because this isn't a paid job, and I don't get performance evaluations or raises and I can't get fired?  Well, there aren't any real consequences to saying I'm going to do things and then not following up.

You do the math:
Perennial Slacker + Good Intentions - (Accountability) =  ?

Yeah, that's right, you pretty much always get Zero.

5. Getting Ever More Weird and Inaccessible


If you've made it this far, you probably already know this is a very strange blog. Even at its best, it is not written for the general public.  But sometimes it makes more effort to be readable and relevant and accessible. Other times (like now), it can't be bothered.

I think what might be going on now is:  I've finally realized that I'm not hard-working, knowledgeable, creative, or enterprising enough to Be Completely Myself and have a Big Successful blog and yet Not Work Incredibly Hard at it. Even though there's a big part of me would really like that all to be the case.

Because strangely enough, Cranky Fitness has actually at times been on the radar as a top health blog! Even if it never has made me more than about 3 cents an hour. So sometimes it's hard not to be wistful.

"You don't understand. I coulda had class.
I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody."

So I vacillate between two modes. There's "high energy" mode, with starry-eyed visions of increased popularity. When that hits, I post more often, recruit experts and guests, network like mad, and do a lot of research and try to be topical and helpful and researchy and relevant and trick the google into bringing people here.  I venture out onto other forms of social media. I watch my writing style more carefully and try not to swear so often, or use too many obscure words, or meander off into endless stream-of-consciousness digressions.

Then I get all burnt out and pissy, because the fun goes out of it and the results are inevitably disappointing.

Next up: "screw it" mode, like now. I start posting about weird things, or about blogging itself, or I post nothing at all for weeks and thus chase away any new visitors who might be curious.

What I would dearly love to find?  Some sort of middle ground!

(Also, in my fantasy world, I always envision a collaboration of some sort, where somehow I find another strange, skeptical and irreverent soul like myself to partner with.


(And sorry BBC--normally I give more of a shit about photo copyrights. Please don't sue.)

And yeah, the whole "team" blog thing didn't pan out, but a girl can dream, right?)

But whether solo or with a partner, my ideal Cranky Fitness would be a place where I could share my ofttimes neurotic preoccupation with health and fitness and personal growth in my own weird way, when I felt like it, but without the silly ambition/stress/burn-out cycle. And yet somehow still provide a bit of a platform for reaching a few extremely brave life and wellness coaching clients, as well as a sort of launchpad for other creative endeavors that might occur to me.


cover upload: James Vaughan 

Sounds reasonable, right?  Let's see how it goes.

Results of Meta Madness: Hey, I Feel Better!

So I'm very pleased to announce that after staring at my navel for several days writing a post no one should probably bother reading, I feel much more hopeful about the whole blogging thing. We shall see if this will result in actual posts about health and fitness, or whether I will succumb to the "well, it's almost the holidays, I'll get serious in January" routine.  Either way, I suspect the world will survive.

What this post is NOT is a request for reassurance. You guys have already been really sweet about that. Don't you hate when someone keeps saying "I completely suck" in order to hear "no you don't?" And then they still don't believe you anyway?  I think the "no you don't" had to come from me, even if I needed to talk to myself out loud and at length for it to seep inside.

Anyone else have any similar desire to pour out a few insecurities in a public forum? Please join me, it's kinda liberating! And way cheaper than therapy.

60 comments:

  1. B B B B B works here.
    always in all things.

    xo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Post as you please when you please and lose the worrying bit. That's my take on it.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think your cycle, which I recognize as you describe it, works perfectly well. Human beings are not steady-state creatures.
    My blog, which I had no ambitions for, causes me no stress (except when I say "If I just got off my ass and got the camera, I could blog about that" but I'd be taking pictures for my own pleasure, not just to blog them) but the whole Unpacking Saga here follows the same cycle: I try desperately to find time to work on the basement, I might actually spend a few minutes a month on it, I stress, then I say "To hell with it, I'll just live in squalor wondering where the rest of my books are" and I go back to getting from today to tomorrow in a reasonably organized fashion.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mary Anne, that was really helpful! Normalizing the whole cycle thing... kinda human nature isn't it? Maybe my goal should be about decreasing the steepness of the waves, and having fun surfing them, rather than fantasizing they'll level out into some sort of mellow floaty experience. To go all aqueous with the metaphors... :)

      Delete
    2. Since you're attempting the swimming thing, yes: when you have a mellow floaty experience you're not actually going anywhere, you're treading water.
      ; )
      Mary Anne in Kentucky

      Delete
    3. Mary Anne, when we moved into this house it took me six months to tackle Box Hill in the living room. I kept walking past it, shuddering, and doing something else. If my sister hadn't come to visit, we might still have that hill ten years later. :-P

      Delete
    4. OMG - we've been in our house over five years - and there are boxes that I still haven't opened!. We're going to move again and yannow what? I'm just gonna throw those boxes out - I don't know what's in them and I don't feel like I've lost anything, so clearly I don't need the box contents!

      Delete
    5. I did throw boxes out 1 1/2 years after moving. I trashed every unopened box, and only missed my paper cutter, so successful in my opinion. Shocked the hell out of my mom and made my husband wonder why I moved with stuff I didn't want.

      Delete
    6. Wow, I am so impressed that you guys are brave enough to toss out unopened boxes! Even if my name were Pandora I'd be too chicken. :)

      Delete
  4. Believe me, i'd rather hear from someone who has been through it, than from a so-called "expert." When i'm a scared beginner, i want a former scared beginner to talk me through it, telling me what the "experts" think is self-explanatory but isn't to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh good messymimi! Glad I"m not the only one who feels like experts sometimes forgot how even the simplest instructions can seem full of ambiguity when you have no clue yet what to do.

      Delete
  5. Heh, spooky that you posted about blogging when I was contemplating the very same thing this morning. I've been stymied lately too, but it comes from (a) there's nothing I want to say, (b) figuring who gives a crap what I say, and (c) being sleepy. These are also why I don't tweet much. So you are not alone in the meta-ness lately!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Heather, I always love what you write and I know I'm not the only one! Your goodbye girls guest post was one of my all time favorites. So I'll just say quite selfishly, that if it ever feels easier to come share stuff over here in the comments (or in another guest post? pretty please?) consider the red carpet rolled out!

      Delete
    2. Well shoot, I can't turn down a pretty please and a red carpet. I'll get to thinking up subjects and send you something as soon as I can. :-D

      Delete
  6. I dunno - I love your blog. You're funny, engaging, and you talk about a lot of different things - from the serious to the light-hearted. I like it all. And even with this particular post today, you've written about things that others who blog have thought - it's nice for folks to know they aren't alone. Something about the more we're different, the more we're really the same - we just don't always realize it.

    As someone else commented, we're all ever-changing in our thoughts, experiences, likes/dislikes - why shouldn't your blog be the same way. It's YOUR blog!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LuckyMama, THANK YOU! I know these self-doubt posts are sort of a downer, and I really appreciate the support, especially coming from someone who manages to put out so many thoughtful posts on your own blog!

      Delete
  7. Okay, no reassurance if you insist. But you'll notice we're all still here. #;-)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just dropping by to say hello...and I'm glad you are writing. :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I don't know how some people write interesting pieces every week. I'm lucky if I have clean underwear for the entire week and emergency midnight laundry is probably the highlight of my week. Hey! They make a washer that is also a dryer so you don't have to stay awake long enough to throw the load in the dryer. Now all I have to do is solve the pile of clean laundry thrown on my bed problem. When I get home there is always I furry cat indentation in the pile. Wow I'm tired and getting ditzy!!!
    I don't know what I was trying to say. Something like I can relate and You Go Girl!

    Coffee!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right backatcha Cindy on the "go girl" (and, come to think of it, on the Coffee!!!!!!)

      Delete
  10. I know you asked for no reassurances, too bad, but I'll balance it with a shared insecurity:
    I like the weirdo phych stuff, and am more likely to listen to it from an ex- shrink rather than a more purple clothed swaying hippie type. Also a fan of the swearing. I can read mainstream health infoIowa anywhere.
    I find any creative act to be a balance between self doubt and narcissism. I am nearing the completion of a quilt that I've been working on for over a year. Did I waste my time? Should I have spent my time with my family, will it be good enough to get into a show, to win? Will I be brave enough to enter? What is the point of making something that takes so long? In the end it exists for my own joy in making it and pride in finishing. I can only hope others will enjoy it. I certainly am not going to sell it and get a good hourly wage. In 10 yr s will I look back and think I was wasting my time? Hope not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Iowa! Really computer? Scratch the Iowa.

      Delete
    2. "I find any creative act to be a balance between self doubt and narcissism." Well put! And I'm glad to find out I'm not the only one.

      And thanks for sharing your thought process around the quilt! It sounds so familiar (like what happens in my head), and I hope you too ended up feeling in a better place about it after working through it "out loud." Bet it's beautiful and hope you DO end up entering it in a show so more people can enjoy seeing it!

      Delete
  11. Jerry Seinfeld would be proud of this blog you just wrote!!

    I once wrote a poem about looking at a blank page that was begging me to write something and nothing was happening, Filled the page, lol!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey, good point, Dr. J, Seinfeld based a whole career on the whole "meta" thing! But I promise I'll get back to real writing soon. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Get back to real writing? Sorry, Crabby, I think this IS real writing. I suspect I am not the only one here who comes because it is so nice to hear you talk about all sorts of stuff - to allow us to get to know you (and through the comments, each other, too) in all sorts of ways. Blogs I read are sometimes written for the audience, and sometimes written for the blogger, and I think those are both fine, and they don't need to be mutually exclusive.

      I see this as I sometimes see groups of friends - you never know what directions the conversation will take, but you know you'll be glad to have been there for the chat. You make that happen, and I say, the less rules the better!

      Delete
    2. DRG can always be counted on for an excellent comment.

      Delete
    3. Anon, isn't DRG great! And if you are the same anon who has been popping by lately leaving wonderful comments... any thoughts about getting a nom de plume (or initials!)? Love hearing from you!

      And DRG, as usual, you manage to be so supportive and sound so wise all at the same time, thank you so much!

      Delete
  13. I think I've been reading your blog for about 2 years and I love all the variations and stages that you have gone through and shared here!!!
    My blog has never (nor will it ever) be a mega blog and I like that because I can just use it as a hobby and write whatever I feel like - personal birthday stories, semi-fitness related stuff or whatever random topic spurred my thought process!!!
    I hope that you keep writing whatever is spews out when you sit down and want to do a post!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kim, thank you so much! I think your blog could well become a mega blog because unlke me, you actually provide helpful videos and tips and stuff, plus you are way more kick-ass.

      And I really appreciate the folks like you who are patient with "whatever spews out" when I try to post!

      Delete
  14. I don't care what you post about. I enjoy reading it. But if I have a vote I'm going with the 'weird psycho stuff"........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh good anonymous, because I got Weird Psycho written all over me... :) Stay tuned!

      Delete
  15. Bahahaha it's like you read my mind this morning oddly enough....do I blog for me? do I blof for them? What the hell do I actually even know about this shit?! Write what you wanna write I say. I enjoyed this post. Thanks

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Sarah!!! And so glad you stopped by!

      Delete
  16. Here's what matters to me. You're real. You entertain. You truly are full of good advice. You're funny. You're kindhearted. You swear like a sailor. You're insecure. You're confident. You're goofy (in a good way). You're simply real. And to that, most of us can relate. You can't improve on that so just accept that you're liked/loved/admired for who you are. That's why I'm here, and I suspect that's so for most, if not all of your other readers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww Hilary, I know you (like me) don't tend to revisit for comment replies, but that comment meant the world to me!

      Delete
    2. If I'm interested in followup comments by the blogger or by other visitors, I click on the "notify me" box and they come to me in email. Thanks. :)

      Delete
  17. I also get the meta-blues sometimes when I have to keep writing then I wonder where is all the star factor in my writing to get it to be read by lots of visitors! ... then it comes to me, there is nothing better but to be yourself! that's the reason why friends/readers hang on :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Christinchen! "Be yourself" is one of those things we hear all the time and think we believe, but it's amazing how when put to the test, it's so easy to bail on that one.

      Delete
  18. That sounds like me right now. Taking a break to write the book - which at least now I can talk about rather than having to be all mysterious - has got me out of the habit of looking for stuff to post - ergo, I don't post. That and the fact that The Google decided it hated me overnight and killed about 50% of my readers (literally, not figuratively - I hope but......who knows) means I'm kind of thinking 'oh what's the point' - the point being that even though I write all day every day, the blog was always kind of a highlight. Going to do lost of planning while I'm in Cali this week (still sad you're not nearby) and hopefully decide what to do with it. But anyway, what I was trying to say here, rather than some kind of therapy rant, was that you're not alone, it seems to be blog reassess season as loads of people I follow seem to be rethinking maybe there's some star alignment or something - and write what the heck you want. It still makes me laugh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Google sure is a fickle master isn't it? And interesting to discover other health bloggers are feeling the same thing! Maybe someone drugged our broccolini or something? And I can't believe I'm going to miss you in California!!!! I don't get back to So Cal until December.

      Delete
  19. I LOVED this post Jan - I feel like this often! I guess now I don't have a choice with how busy I am trying to make up for stupid decisions in life but always a learning experience.

    HUGE HUGS!!!!! Just do what is right for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Jody, I so admire how you hang in there with so many social media endeavors and yet always manage to be yourself!

      Delete
  20. Write what you want, when you want. It's yours and we'll read it. It's great to hear that someone I admire has moments that aren't perfection but keeps on doing what you do. That is inspirational. Writing is hard in the best of moments. Be "meta" or "mega" - just be YOU, please. The YOU behind the blog is why I keep coming back.
    And thanks for the AbFab pic. They always make me smile!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Genie, and I so appreciate how you've helped me keep this blog afloat with your great guest posts and comments! I'm secretly hoping for more in the future, but know you'se a buzy gal. :)

      Delete
  21. I haven't read other people's comments yet, but a couple of things:

    1 - this is weird, but that first comic, while it may have come from the website you mentioned, was actually drawn by Toothpaste for Dinner, so Drew should probably get credit for that one (he is one of the few webcomics I obsessively follow daily - the other WAS his wife, Natalie Dee, but she stopped posting!)

    2 - I haven't blogged in like a year and a half. So much of what makes blogging popular or profitable is not what I was in for. (and it's funny that I just got an email today from the wheat germ people with a bunch of recipes that maybe I'd like to post for the holidays...yeah, I'll get right on that) And then it was hmm, what do I personally have to offer and say? Anyway, being a successful blogger seems like HARD WORK. Constant work.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. OTF, first off, thank you SO much for the proper cartoon attribution. Being a natalie dee fan I should have recognized the source! The google led me astray. Has been fixed now.

      And I thought you had a lot of great things to say on your blog! I would even read your thoughts on wheat germ.

      Of course as you may see from some of my other replies, I would love to encourage regular cranky readers/commenters who are part of the community and who like you, write well and have such interesting things to say to consider guest posts here when the mood strikes!.Especially if maintaining a solo blog is too much hassle.

      And this is not just because I'm lazy. I turn down numerous guest post inquiries every day from strangers trying to juice their google PR's, but I think readers would rather hear from other beloved members of the Cranky Family whom they already enjoy and admire.

      Delete
  22. HUGS for the start of this post and YAY for your results!

    I've struggled with this type of thing quite a bit over the years - it's tough having a good balance and not getting burned out! What always makes me feel better is to accept the changes in direction that my blogs take. I tend to feel that when blogging stops being fun, that's when we KNOW we've got to change SOMETHING.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sagan, I love the way your blog has evolved over time, and it always cheers me up to see that you are still posting. Yay for the old school bloggers hangin' in there!

      Delete
  23. haha - I totally understand this need to spew forth about the cobwebs in order to clear them out. Even if it is like running the vacuum cleaner with no filter so all the dirt goes back into the atmosphere....sometimes it just helps to stir the shit a bit. I know you are not asking for us to prop you up but I want to say - I really love your blog and your views on life and I think you should write whatever you want. Period. Maybe I'm just ignorant but isn't that what a blog is - your space to express your opinions, thoughts and whatever??? Just keep rockin you - its all your hungry public expects. It is more than enough!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aw, thanks so much, and I love the vacuum cleaner analogy! And by the way, your last post was really moving, and I think might be inspiring to a lot of folks struggling with change, especially those who are ending relationships but still feeling pretty wretched about it. To hear first hand that time does heal is really helpful!

      For those who haven't seen it: http://weighingwell.blogspot.com/2014/11/the-one-that-got-away.html

      Delete
  24. I've been writing really great posts and doing SO well on my blog! Gee, I can't imagine why you're such a slacker? I mean, shoot, the most recent post I did was October 19th. That was just last week, right?
    :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, it's been more than a week since Oct 19? We must be using the same calendar Sherri!

      Delete
  25. I am SO GLAD you wrote this post. I can relate to pretty much all of it, and the end result is that my blog has been updated like twice in the past six weeks. I just overanalyze myself into paralysis! Like, part of me wants to write what I know people are really into reading, but then a bigger part of me DOESN'T want to write those things because, quite frankly, I'm tired of writing about them. And I also don't seem to be capable of just tossing off breezy little posts, which overwhelms me and results in bupkis.

    I'm still trying to figure out how the hell to deal with all of this, but I have to say it is a huge relief to see that you, who has been blogging way longer than I have, struggle with the same things. It makes me feel a lot less like a total dip (in this regard, at least).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I also don't seem to be capable of just tossing off breezy little posts, which overwhelms me and results in bupkis"-- you too, Caitlin? That's a HUGE part of my problem!

      I have so much respect for your writing, I suspected that there was some hard work behind it! And if you do figure out how the hell deal with this, please send me the answer!

      Delete
    2. LOL I was hoping you had the answer. Honestly, I don't think my day job - which is also a ton of writing on the internet - helps me all that much. My well runs dry a lot more often than I'd care to admit. But in all seriousness, though, it helps me a lot to know that you, as a blogger I've admired for quite some time, are experiencing the same thing. Like I said, it makes me feel like less of a loser.

      I actually picked up The Artist's Way on suggestions from two friends, and am reading through it now in hopes that it will give me some practical tips for pushing through this. If it works, I'll let you know.

      Delete
  26. What I love most about your blog is I don't feel like I have to put a suit and lipstick on to read it. You are real AND you help keep me real. Woulda coulda shoulda is how I look at my blog anymore. It IS about me (my blog) and yours is about YOU, and YOU are full of so much fun/knowledge/kick-me-in-the-ass perspective. Write about what you want and they will follow :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Thanks Lynn, you cracked me up with suit and lipstick thing... and that's what I love about your blog, the whole "keeping it real" thing. BTW, that last post of yours really hit home!

    ReplyDelete
  28. FYI…I read it all…and I will keep on reading! I love me some Crabby!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for commenting, Cranky Fitness readers are the BEST!

Subscribe to comments via RSS

(Note: Older Comment Threads Are Moderated)