August 29, 2014

Goodbye Girls!


Guest Post by Heather Lee

While Crabby continues her travels abroad, this next guest post is by a favorite blog commenter Heather Lee. She also has her own great blog, The Spotted Cat.  Besides being one of the nicest humans on the planet, Heather is a funny gal and quite an inspiration when it comes to getting healthy and fit!

This post deals with a what might be a familiar phenomenon for many women shedding excess weight: unfortunately we can't choose WHERE those pounds are going to drop from first.

So please welcome Heather Lee! --Crabby

For many women, a notable drawback to weight loss is the possible reduction of breast acreage. I’ve known a few ladies who refused to even try because they feared losing their favorite asset. It’s an understandable reaction. Whether your opinion of your girls is “hey, not bad” or “you are magnificent,” the thought of a big change in that area is pretty daunting. But! There is hope! After losing nearly 70 pounds, I feel qualified to offer a little perspective to women worried about changing their measurement ratio. Yes, your gazongas may very well lose a little zong, but I promise it isn’t all bad. To help, let’s look at a few specific worries that might pop up.



The Sag. I’m not going to lie. This does happen, but it will anyway just as a function of age, so it isn’t worth worrying about. You can fix this by making friends with a professional fitter in the nearest lingerie shop and getting a really good bra. Still worried about how the girls will look unfettered? Well, the next time you’re looking in the mirror after your shower, try this. Stop, raise your arms, and latch your fingers behind your head. Take a look at them now. They look rather awesome, don’t they? Tell them so and continue your day feeling good about what you’ve got.

The Comments. If you had Big Ones for a decade or more, the people in your life are used to them. You’ve probably received loads of comments over the years to point out how lucky you are, and now you’re dreading comments of a different variety, along the lines of “where did they go?” Don’t sweat this. Yes, people will notice. It’s okay. Regardless of what they say or whether they say anything at all, most of them will be proud of your success and a little jealous of how great you look rocking that new super-fitted bra. Smile at them and continue your day feeling good about what you’ve got.

The Creeping Belly. You go to all this trouble to lose weight and wind up in some purgatory where your belly now extends past your boobs. What the hell?! As someone who didn’t appreciate her own boobs until later in life, I thought this situation was particularly unfair (mostly because picking out shirts that accentuate without making you feel like a stuffed bell pepper can be a challenge). Fortunately, this is temporary. The body goes through weird phases as it reshapes, but it will get there. Be patient with yourself and continue your day feeling good about what you’ve got.

So yeah, the road to being less bumpy does have a few bumps in it, but they really are dealable. Now let’s look at the good aspects of lightening your upper body load.

So. Many. Shirts. Remember all those awesome shirts you couldn’t fit into because boobs? That problem is gone! Go forth and shop! You have an opportunity here to try styles that you’ve always liked, but weren’t able to wear. Or, like me, you could even step outside of your comfort zone and end up finding new stuff that makes you even happier (tank tops, woohoo). It’s liberating, in a way. My only regret is my Huge Tracts of Land t-shirt is now (a) not true and (b) too big. Actually, never mind, that makes wearing it even more fun.

Improved Mobility. Your range of activities can increase as your cup size decreases. Not that you couldn’t do these things before, especially if determined, but some of them just become easier. There are the obvious ones like jogging, yoga, and strength training. Then come the little things, and these are the best: making the bed without whacking yourself in the boob, sliding around door jambs without scraping off a nip, and my personal favorite, sleeping on your face. If you really pay attention, you’ll find you’re just able to move more easily in general, and it feels fantastic.

Humor Practice. You have a sense of humor. I’m sure you do, otherwise you wouldn’t hang out with someone called Crabby on a website headed by a horned cupcake. Shrinking boobs provide you with a perfect opportunity to exercise that sense of humor (preferably with your partner or close friends who won’t be offended by the inappropriate lunacy that I… er, I mean you, might produce). Hubs and I have spent nights howling with laughter over boob jokes we could never possibly tell anyone else. That is priceless.

Having gone down this road, I can tell you that losing weight is very much a mental endeavor (which is another post entirely). Even if you were slim before, you can’t really know what you’ll look like at your goal weight, and I understand this can scare people. After all that effort, you might not like what you see in the mirror. Do not let that fear hold you back, though. The effort is worth it. The bad is vastly outweighed by the good. Remember that, and continue your day feeling good about what you’ve got.

And in the end, just ponder the wisdom of old Moses in My Chauffeur…

“Ain’t no such thing as a bad titty.”

15 comments:

  1. Hilarious! Thanks Heather! Laughing at all this makes it so much more fun.

    My problem is an ironic opposite: I've always hated the things and want them to go down MORE! But wow--the expense of bra replacement in my size HURTS more than whacking those girls on door jambs :) But that's ok. I like the improved mobility more! And you're absolutely right--a good bra solves the sag problem every time. A lot of trial and error through a good website is a wonder (no good stores where I live).

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    1. Thanks, Genie! I wanted to give mine away until the last couple of years, so of course they go away NOW. We have the same lack-of-store problem around here. Trial and error takes a while, but it's worth it!

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  2. I question the door jamb issue--thinking back to my very earliest hint of boob at eleven, it still hurts. But perhaps not everyone is a Door-jamb Attractor like me.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

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    1. Oh, I attract door jambs in droves, Mary Anne. Most of the time I bounce off them and dent my shoulders, but trying to slide around one to give someone else room to pass has ended in pained cursing more than once over the years. I think for me it's just easier now to maneuver without damaging the upper-level baggage. ;-)

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    2. Somehow it surprises me more when something soft get banged by a door jamb than something with bones near the surface.
      Do we really need door jambs anyway? We could just all live in tents.

      Mary Anne in Kentucky

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  3. Thank you, Crabby! I very much enjoyed writing this post and it gives me a thrill to see it hanging out on Cranky Fitness.

    Also, that is the perfect picture. I laughed out loud when the page loaded. :-D

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  4. All I want to know is does the seat belt lie nice and flat or does it still slide up above the breasts and chock you around the neck.
    I'm really looking forward to not kneeing myself in the tummy every time I do climbers. Sometimes I forget and am a little too enthusiast on the first climber.

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    1. Oh good one, Cindy! I didn't think of the seat belt; it actually does lie flat rather than choking me half to death like it used to. Car trips are a lot more pleasant now that you mention it.

      I haven't tried climbers yet, but cycling and back extensions are a lot less bonky now, too. :-D

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  5. My Sweetie will tell you that he thinks mine were wonderful before i lost the weight and he thinks they are wonderful since i've lost the weight. As long as he's happy, and i'm better able to move, it's all good!

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  6. When I get this weight off - 40 down so far - my boobs can sag to the damn floor for all I care! A good brar will do the trick! Unless of course I decide to walk around nekkid.

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  7. Oh, Heather!!! I peed my pants while reading this. I love some good boob humour. I am not a fan of the knockers (I don't mind looking though) and they did indeed become ginormous when I gained weight. I never got used to them. As my weight goes down, they are shrinking and I love it. Bye bye knockers!

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    1. Thank you, Kimberley! I'm glad you enjoyed the read. Humor is my favorite way to deal with things and it was fun to share. I felt oddly bereft when mine suddenly deflated a few months ago, but it is really liberating.

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  8. Fun and entertaining post, Heather! Gotta say I like mine on the smaller side for all the reasons you mentioned. I've tried professional fittings and am still frustrated at not being able to find just the right size bra, though.

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