The Actual Plane Crabby Is Taking is Just As Safe and Comfortable

Why so Compact this week? Because the Crab is traveling again, which means she is packing and fretting rather than blogging.

Actually as you read this, she is very likely in a blurry haze, staggering towards baggage claim in the Boston airport, having (hopefully) survived a red-eye flight despite her airplane fears. She can't sleep sitting up, so she will be sleep-deprived and contentious, the perfect condition in which to make final decisions about floor tiles and bathroom vanities and kitchen faucets. (For those who are new to Cranky Fitness, the Crab and her long-suffering Lobster are remodeling a place in Provincetown MA, which they plan to occupy fairly soon. They are running out of time to dither around about it).

Crabby's plan is that if she specifically mentions the fact that she is flying and that she fears the plane will crash, it would be WAY too much of a coincidence for each one of you if that very flight ended up crashing. Crabby is banking on all that accumulated improbability to help keep the plane aloft. Clever plan, huh?

Anyway, so Crabby will just throw a couple items out there, and Merry might too. (You betcha! There's an essential component to a Random Friday post, which can be found only at the end. Can you guess what it is? -Merry)

Now on to the abbreviated randomness!

Wrapper Tip
Our friends at Healthbolt, who always have the best in off-beat as well as on-beat health stories (and no, I have no idea what I meant by that) are reporting a helpful tip for candy eaters. According to a recent study from Cornell University, you can cut your candy consumption in half simply by saving the wrappers so you can see what a pig you've been. (The trick also apparently works with chicken wings).

Haiku
Those of you who are regular readers of Cranky Fitness may have discovered that (a) Crabby is a simple sort who likes poetry that rhymes and (b) Merry is a classier type who tries to slip in stealth haiku when Crabby isn't looking.

So Crabby was amused to see another great blog, Scrumpy's Baker, offering up a whole post of fitness-related Haiku. So go check it out, and feel free to offer up your own efforts here or there or both places!

Frosted Mini-Things
Remember a while back we were talking about products with stupid warnings?

Well Crabby just noticed that the Lobster's favorite breakfast cereal was being very careful to warn those folks who may have wheat allergies with a cautionary label:

Contains Wheat Ingredients

Really? Cause who would have guessed that Frosted Mini-Wheats might contain wheat?

Bored At Work?
I'm guessin' so, otherwise why would you be reading us? Anyway, when you're done here you could always check out whether you have any haunted houses or UFO's or other freaky things going on in your neighborhood.

Or, you could find out what the geeks scholars are up to by checking out real-time Wikipedia edits. Why is this interesting? I have no idea, but it kinda is, at least for thirty seconds or so.

Sweet Love Songs:
Here are two videos you've either (a) seen before, because they're all over the internet or (b) will be incredibly offended by, if you don't have an adolescent sense of humor like Crabby does.

Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman are a couple, and both are comedians. Sarah performed this video for their anniversary or Jimmy's birthday or something, Crabby can't quite remember. Anyway, it's crude but quite amusing, or at least the Crab thought so.



And Jimmy's response, also pretty funny, is here.


Have a great Friday, everyone!



[p.s. This is Merry again... did you notice? Not One Single Cat Video!!! Yes, I was shocked too. So here's the best I could do: a link to a Jumping Cat Monastery in Burma]

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[By Crabby]

I'm always fascinated by gender differences. While I've personally never fit all that comfortably into the "feminine" world (the subject of an upcoming post, I think), there are still many ways in which I feel distinctly a girl, not a boy. Even if you'd have to threaten me with a lethal weapon to get me to wear false eyelashes or a pair of stiletto heels.

And while exceptions are everywhere, men and women do seem, in many ways, kinda different.

How much of that is how we're wired, and how much of that is because each gender is taught to behave and think differently? The question used to seem really threatening, because any hint of innate difference was seen as a reason to discriminate against women.

Feminism still has a LONG way to go, but we now have at least a little more freedom to wonder about this stuff. I think the main thing that's changed is that it's not as common anymore to assume that the "boy" way of thinking is always better, and the "girl" way is always worse. (People do, however, tend assume that the "boy" way is normal, and the "girl" way is different, even though we are half the freakin' population.)

(There is a book I've been meaning to read called "The Female Brain," which I think explores this subject more thoroughly. Anyone read it yet?).

Anyway, so there's a new study out that suggests women and men remember things differently. In short, "women excelled in verbal episodic memory tasks, such as remembering words, objects, pictures or everyday events, and men outperformed women in remembering symbolic, non-linguistic information, known as visuospatial processing." The example cited is that "a man would be more likely to remember his way out of the woods."

As someone who can barely find my way out of my own bedroom, I've decided to embrace my deficient visuospatial abilities as one of the few ways in which I'm apparently quite feminine. I can always compensate by using my verbal abilities to get someone else to tell me how to get myself where I need to be. Or better yet, I can talk my way out of even having to go anywhere in the first place!

Note: I think individual differences are always more important than overall generalizations, and I know tons of women who can totally kick any guys ass when it comes to finding her way out of the woods. And lets be realistic--which gender usually gets itself lost in the woods in the first place?

So the study also said there were "sex differences favoring women on tasks such as remembering the location of car keys, which requires both verbal and visuospatial processing," and that "women are better than men at remembering faces, especially of females." Overall, they believed "females currently hold the advantage in episodic memory."

It's interesting, then, how often in movies we see women being all flighty and spacey and it's the guys who always remember things. They always get to save the day because they can recognize the terrorist in disguise or remember where the gun was stashed or recall the secret password. Whereas it looks like in real life, it would be the gal who would be more likely to remember that stuff.

There are tons of other ways in which men and women, overall, appear to perhaps function a bit differently; this is just one tiny example. What do you guys think, are these differences significant? Or pretty much imaginary? And if you do see differences, do you think it's mostly because we're born differently or because we're treated differently?

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[By Merry]

A science article in the Telegraph suggests that the season in which you are born can influence your personality. For example, women born in May are often more impulsive, while women born in November are more reflective. (Or so says John Eagle, of Aberdeen University.)

The article goes on to quote other researchers, who found that "people born in the autumn will tend to be physically active and excel in football while those born in the spring will be more cerebral and may be better suited to chess."

(Am I impulsive? Moi? I need to reflect a bit on that, frankly. And I stink at chess, so there's another question mark right there.)

All these claims sounded wacko to me, but then I read further. What I liked about these studies is that the May/November conclusions apply only to the Northern Hemisphere. If you look at people born down under, the findings are reversed. Kiwi November babies get the impulsive label slapped on them instead. (Being labeled 'impulsive' doesn't strike me as a compliment.)

According to another researcher, Jayanti Chotai, at Umea University in Sweden, levels of crucial hormones produced by a pregnant woman change based on the seasons (due to temperature, light levels, changes in nutrition levels, and so on), and this can "hard-wire personality traits while the baby is in the womb."

So apparently we've got another reason to blame our parents for whatever it is we don't like about ourselves. It's not my fault I don't exercise enough. If my parents had had the foresight to arrange matters so that I was born in the fall, I could be off playing football right now.

I don't know nuthin' about birthin' babies*, but if you're in the process of producing a baby in northern hemispherical spring season, and you want the little'un to be into fitness, it sounds as if this might be a good time to emigrate to Australia and give birth in their autumn. On the other hand, if you want to produce the next braniac... hmmmn. Tough choice there. I suppose you could always compromise and give birth on the Equator somewhere.

What do you think? Does the idea of womb-wired personalities require a little seasoning?

Astrological clock thanks to flickr.


*Sorry. Couldn't help myself.

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[By Crabby]

Do you like to nap?

When napping isn't scaring us by being correlated with strokes, we're all for it here at Cranky Fitness. If you have the sort of daily schedule in which you can slip a nap in, we say: go for it!

However, for me a nap is kind of like a massage: very enjoyable, but I'm never sure if I'm getting any therapeutic benefit from it. (When I get a massage it feels lovely, but I don't tend to find myself any less sore or tight the next day. In fact I'm often more sore and tight the next day, though my wallet does tend to feel a bit looser and lighter.)

Naps are cheaper than massages (I was going to say free, but read on--this post is actually a product review) but I'm not sure if they work for me. If I take a nap because I'm feeling sleepy and groggy, I enjoy it very much, but I tend to wake up feeling pretty much the same way. But my understanding is: for most people, power napping is a smart thing to do. Most people who are not Crabby McSlacker feel more energetic after a nap. Crabby just enjoys the hell out of them.

So when I got a pitch for a software product that would enable me to take an "energizer nap" and have all kinds of afternoon energy, I thought: cool! Especially if I can try it out without paying for it. I'm all for free things, and for having more afternoon energy. Plus, I loved the idea that it would give me a good excuse to experimental naps every day for a week or so in the name of blogging.

The thing is called "Pzizz", and I tried the Energizer nap version. ($29.95) It also comes in another version ($25.95; or $49.95 for both) that helps you go to sleep at night if you have insomnia. (Sorry Merry: perhaps I should have offered you this review opportunity instead of the laxatives?) More information about the product is available at the Pzizz website.

Pzizz isn't a CD; it's software you download and use to generate somewhat customized audios that you can listen to on your headphones while you nap. You can choose how long you want it and it adjusts accordingly. It plays music and has background sounds and a guy talks to you and gives you helpful suggestions about relaxing.

I call him Mr. Pzizz.

So here, in no particular order, are some thoughts about Mr. Pzizz and his software:

Good Things About Mr. Pzizz:

1. Mr. Pzizz says slightly different things each time he talks to you. This is because each time you want to use the recording you generate a new version. This is a VERY COOL feature! I've tried lots of relaxation and self-hypnosis tapes and they get old really fast--this will be an even nicer feature if they keep their promise to provide free updates. The more new things Mr. Pzizz is able to say, the better I like him. Right now, he still seems to repeat himself quite a bit from nap to nap, but there's usually at least something new.

2. Over time, you start to associate Mr. Pzizz with feeling sleepy. I can barely type right now, for example, because even the name Pzizz makes me very, very tired. When I started doing the Pzizz thing I didn't nap at all during the recording, I just thought it was supposed to relax you. Now I put on the headphones and conk out fairly quickly.

3. You can adjust the volume of Mr. Pzizz so that's he's quite audible over the sounds and music, if you want to hear his suggestions loud and clear. Or you can make it so you can barely hear him if you just want to snooze while he natters on.

4. Mr. Pzizz uses binaural-beat technology, which theoretically can help you "entrain your brain" to reach states of relaxation more quickly. (There is also a free version of binaural beat audio here, but it's not a whole fancy program like Pzizz.) Does this technology really work to help you relax more deeply? I'm not sure--but I bet it will if you think it will.

5. Because I promised Mr. Pzziz I'd give him a try, this got me in the habit of allocating 25 min a day to either relaxation or napping. Otherwise, I never get around to it. If you fork over money for the software, you may feel a similar commitment to your own relaxation just to justify the $29.95.

Not So Good Things About Pzizz:

1. Could they have thought of a less appealing name for a product than Pzizz? "Pzizzing" sounds like something you'd end up doing after eating too many beans for lunch, not something you'd pay money to do on purpose.

2. I can't quite figure out if you're supposed to be sleeping during these sessions, or just relaxing and absorbing hypnotic suggestions.

Both relaxation and napping have their benefits, but in my mind these are two different, mutually exclusive things. So if you're picky about whether you want to learn to relax, or to actually fall asleep, you might want a different product--or at least one with clearer instructions.

3. There aren't much in the way of "energizing" suggestions--just a couple of sentences when it's time to "wake up." So if you're like me and having a nap itself doesn't give you a whole bunch of energy, then you don't get much additional help from Mr. Pzizz. I've been really enjoying my little relaxation/nap experiences, but I haven't noticed any sudden burst of afternoon energy.

4. Technical issues: because you have to generate a new recording each time, it's hard to just jump in and nap. You need to wait (less than a minute, but still) for it to generate. And there's also no rewind button. So if you get all ready for your nap, start the recording, and then realize you need to pee or get a drink of water or something, too bad. You have to start over and generate a new nap.

5. It's $29.95.

Bottom Line: Would I buy it? Quite possibly! But then I've shelled out money for all kinds of odd relaxation/meditation stuff before, like Kelly Howell's CD's or the extremely freaky "Sphinx of the Imagination" by Hypnotica. I'm crap at relaxing on my own. And having spent a number of afternoons with Mr Pzizz I've actually grown quite fond of him. (I don't know if this will be a brief fling or a long-term relationship, but I do know I have a hot date with him this afternoon...)

How about you folks, how do you feel about naps, do they refresh you? Do you ever get to take them? Or how about relaxation tapes--ever buy any?

Is anyone else getting sleepy just reading this?

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[By Merry]

Oh come now -- you know full well that I do not have an attention span long enough to list 50 ways to lose fat. Besides, Cranky Fitness is not a Weight Loss blog. It was just a cheap trick to make you click the link. Which you have, so I'm happy. You can go away now.



Crap. You're still here. I suppose that means I've got to follow through on what I started.

Have you noticed those '25 things to do before I die' lists that people have been making on their blogs? This is an example: 100 things to do before you die.

One thing that most of the lists have in common is that the activities listed are frequently ones that would cause you to lose fat and gain muscle. (Climb Mount Kilimanjaro, ski down Everest, wrestle a sabre-toothed tiger.)
What could be better?

Go forth, spake I to myself, and create a list of things you really want to do before you die. Scan the list for things that would cause you to lose fat. Do these things. What could be simpler?

Oh, so now you expect me to follow my own advice, do you? Want me to publish such a list just to show I'm not a chicken? Fine. See below.

***********************************************

Before you get to my list, a couple of things to bear in mind.
Something that these lists have in common is that the lister really would like to do these actions. So from my perspective, that meant scratching anything that involved heights, depths, or cats the size of sanitation trucks.

Another similarity with many of these lists is that some of the tasks on them are frankly... well, they read a bit like those Christmas letters you get from someone you don't know very well, in fact you've forgotten the names of their children, but the letter tells you that the 10 year old has been accepted into Harvard and the 3 year old won the Turner prize for Art. One of those letters. I am not convinced that some of these people really have any plans to ride the space shuttle, drive coast to coast in a red convertible with a hot blond, or ask their boss for a raise. They probably couldn't come up with a full 25 without some padding.

My list, as it stands now, is only composed of things that I really want to do and that are within my capabilities, physical, emotional, financial.

***********************************************
My List:

1. Ride a century (100 mile bike race).
2. Run one of those -- what do you call them? A 401k? Oh, right, a 5k. (Knew it was something like that.)
3. Get my house organized
   
4. Ride with a regular cycling group, (Currently my pace is a bit too slow for the groups around here.)
5. Become thin-and-fit, ready to embark on a career of World Domination.
   

Looking at this list, it's a bit depressing that I can't think of 25 things to do before I die. Really, I'm not planning to go for several more decades. Time to start thinking of things to do. Because I think the worst thing I could do would be to drift through life and only realize at the end that I could have enjoyed myself a bit more.

One way to come up with ideas is to try this: Tackle any issue with a list of 100. I'll have to see if I can come up with more things to do.

Or if you have any suggestions, please let me know. What's on your list?

If you still need a '50 ways' fix, might I suggest 50 ways to get fit for summer? It's still useful information at any time of the year.

Photo courtesy of flickr. For some reason, "swim with dolphins" was on every single To Do list that I saw.

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[By Crabby]

Cranky Fitness has been terribly remiss about linking to other people's blogs lately. Or at least the Crab half of the team has been seriously slacking.

Basically, I visit many of your awesome blogs and think: "Wow, great post! I should leave a comment! Or better yet, I should link to this post the next time I'm writing about [fill in the blank]... And dang, it's really way past time to update my blogroll, some of my favorites aren't on there yet. I'm gonna do all that this afternoon, definitely. Oh wait, but I still need to pay that Visa bill and return that book to the library and wasn't I supposed to defrost something for dinner? Hmm, I think it's time for a nap."

It's tough being a McSlacker.

Of course there's no way one hurried weekend post is going to make much dent in the backlog, but hell, you gotta start somewhere. So these are just a few recent notables--and I really will try to remember to do this more often. (She said, looking longingly at the Nap Couch). So here we go:

Stephanie at Back In Skinny Jeans not only has a cool new blog, Noshtopia, but she's apparently going to be the next Skinny Bitch-- and we mean that in the nicest way!

And Vanilla at Half-Fast isn't content just being hilarious, apparently he wants to start his own unique blog niche: he's going to save you from various common running emergencies like falling into quicksand. Oh yeah, and he still remains the foremost world authority on running skirts for men.

If you like our feature "Ask Cranky Fitness" but have noted the lack of unfaked questions, you might want to check in with MizFit. She's funny and she actually knows something about fitness. For example, you know how the experts are always nagging you to drink more water? She can tell you how the hell you're supposed to do that.

(And speaking of Fitness Advice, don't forget our pal Dr. J at Calorielab--you might even get a $10 gift certificate if he chooses your question!)

Oh, and our newest sponsor, My Fitness Solutions, not only offers online help with getting into shape, but has a blog of its very own with plenty of health and fitness suggestions!

While over at Iowa Avenue, they've introduced a new feature called "Tight Ass Tuesday." Of course Cranky Fitness heartily endorses anything with the word "Ass" in it.

Enjoy the Oscars tonight, if you do that sort of thing, click on a few links here if you have the chance, and have a great rest-of-the-weekend!

And we'll be back Monday with more of whatever it is we do here.

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[By Crabby and Merry]

So we're skimping on actual scientific research this week because nothing new was discovered anywhere in the world we felt more like doing silly items and not thinking too much. Maybe next Random Friday we'll put on our crisp white lab coats and our horn-rimmed glasses and scientificate a little more and sillyify a little less. Maybe.

But here's at least one study:

Old People Not as Screwed, Memory-Wise, As They Used to Be.
[Could Crabby have perhaps put that a bit more delicately? Yeah, but then this would be a different, better blog.]
So according to a study in the journal Alzheimer’s and Dementia, (summarized here), memory loss and thinking problems are decreasing among those over 70. The researchers point to improvements in higher education, economic status, and health care as possible reasons.

However, I'm not exactly counting on my higher education or my 401K to keep me sharp, since I'm already a space cadet to begin with. I don't have a whole heck of a lot of excess brain power to bank on. So until they figure out a cure for Alzheimers, etc, I'm going to keep popping those dang fish oil capsules even if they do give me fish burps.

Guess What: Weight Loss is Simple After All!
Merry spotted this incredible product, via Fitness Fixation, from a company called Too Faced. It's Guilt-Free Lip Gloss. To quote their product blurb, it's "A super shiny lip gloss inspired by Fuze energy drinks that energizes and slenderizes."

Really? Lip gloss can make you lose weight?

I'm thinking the only kind of lip gloss that could truly promise to slenderize would be one made out of Super Glue. But what do I know? I'm a Chapstick kinda gal.

Cranqué Pheeetniss
Crabby, being a crab, naturally dislikes mimes, street artists, jugglers, and others who gratuitously try to cheer her up in public places. So it's not surprising that Merry is the one who dug up this "walking as performance art" video. (Quick poll: Crabby would have so committed vehicular manslaughter about three minutes in. Anyone else? Perhaps Crabby needs to cut down on her caffeine.)

Classy as Always:
Cranky Fitness just wanted to make sure you were up on the latest headlines:
"Police: Crack Found in Man's Buttocks".

Oh, and speaking of Crack-related items, remember the magazine Cracked, which was a knock-off version of Mad Magazine when we (baby boomers) were growing up? Well, apparently it still exists! And it's actually got some funny stuff. So for those who appreciate culturally insensitive bathroom humor, here's a great roundup of Weird Toys from Around the World. (Note: By "weird" we mean mostly poop-related, and by "the World" we mean Japan.)

Optical Illusion Plus Your Own 'Freedom Passive Income Stream!'
I enjoy optical illusions, but it cracked me up that this one is hosted by some new-agey site promoting inner happiness and schemes for making a quick buck. Material happiness is just an illusion, right? So what happened to those pink dots? And hey, what the hell just happened to my bank account???

Translate Your Blog Into Red-Neck
I was skeptical 'til I tried it, but this blog translation device can be pretty funny. Just type in the URL of your favorite blog (don't forget the www if it's part of the name) and try to resist the sudden craving for a buckit of fried chicken, a bottle a' hooch and a Hee Haw marathon.

Cute Animal Overload (Because We Just Can't Help It):
Computer monitor getting a little dirty? Well, here's a must-have screensaver.

Need help waking up in the morning? Cats really help ease that transition and get you moving:


Or, for those who prefer the quicker cat alarm clock version:


Courtesy of icanhascheezburger.com

Have an energetic, slenderizing Friday everyone!

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[By Crabby]

Cover Photo: Porn for Women

So I'm about a year late on this and you all probably have seen it, but what the hell: this book looks hilarious. And there's a new one coming out soon called: Porn for New Moms.

The premise: guys who actually do their share of the chores and are extremely sensitive to their wives desires are... well, mostly amusingly fictional. But to the extent that they do exist: they're HOT! Hotter, actually, than the square jawed guys who bare their six pack abs and pose in skimpy underwear.

So the "pornographic" pictures feature men dusting and vacuuming and saying things like this:


Which play on gender stereotypes, sure, but so what. They totally crack me up.

I probably shouldn't be weighing in on the issue of heterosexual chore division at all, since I have zero personal experience to draw on. But I have noticed that it's not an uncommon expectation that the "home" stuff is predominantly the woman's job, even when both spouses work. And that this expectation persists even though women have been saying "hey, what the hell's up with that?" for the last 40 years or so.

The good news: apparently that expectation is finally beginning to shift a bit, and there's more recognition that guys who do chores are hot! And that at least some men are figuring out that learning to pull their own weight domestically can make them a more desirable mate.

I often wonder how some of you gals who have demanding jobs and kids and a bunch of other responsibilities manage to get enough time to pull off healthy meal planning and shopping and cooking and still have time for exercise. Do chores ever get in the way of your health goals? And are you getting 50/50 help from your significant other? Or are we not quite there yet?

(Anyone hear an odd noise, sort of a chomping, spitting, gargly sound? That's the sound of Crabby physically restraining herself from expressing opinions on matters she knows nothing about. She will be listening, for a change, not spouting off, if any of you want to share how the whole chore-sharing thing works in your relationships or what sort of stuff you've observed watching other couples you know. Crabby will put on her anthropologist's pith helmet and take notes! She finds heterosexual relationships fascinating.)

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[By Merry]

There is someone you really want to keep happy.

No, not your significant other. Not your mother, either.

The scenario: You want someone to do something for you.

Do you:
a) Ask them nicely and thank them afterwards?
b) Use guilt, insults, and contempt to pressure them into doing what you want?

Counting hands Wow. That's a lot of people who went straight for the second option. Let me re-phrase the scenario. You want something done and you need to make sure the person you're asking the favor of will still be on good terms with you later. The person you're asking the favor of is someone you really, really don't want to abandon you. In fact, the person you're asking the favor of is the person you see when you look in the mirror.

So many approaches to fitness focus on denying yourself – 'you can't have that brownie, it's bad for you' or 'you will run that last mile, you need to do it, push yourself.' What if you tried the opposite approach and treated your body with some appreciation? It feels really good to do something to pamper yourself. Make the body feel appreciated instead of punished.

I know, the first impulse at this point would be to reach for the fudge ice cream, or glass of red wine, the cigarette or whatever else provides immediate gratification to the taste buds. But feeding a junk craving rarely benefits the body. I would suggest that the junk/comfort foods are largely created by forces outside of yourself – what your parents gave you to eat, what advertisers pushed on you, things like that. Once you satisfy the craving, your body often feels worse. And – come on, admit it. If you try a health-food diet for a few months, your body does feel better.

So, instead of gratifying your cravings, do something nice for your body. For example, I just bought 3 new sweaters, the clingy kind that has angora woven in and feels incredibly soft and warm to wear.

The irrefutable logic behind this purchase:

Irrefutable Statement #1 - Wearing something nice makes you feel good.
Irrefutable Statement #2 - Feeling good makes you appreciate your body.
Irrefutable Statement #3 - Appreciating the body you walk around in leads to wanting to do good things for your body. You reach for the peach instead of the peach schnapps, because it makes you feel good about yourself to treat your body well.

So what the hell. Take an hour or two to get a massage, soak in a hot tub, buy that soft, angora sweater. Do something fun. Do something nice today for somebody you really want to be happy for a long time to come.

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[By Crabby]

Sure, Crabby is Strong Like This Too!

Is Anyone Else Ever This Dumb?

So I was feeling pretty pleased with myself recently when I noticed that I was actually making some progress with a couple of my ab exercises, despite having had a period of bad behavior when I'd laid off entirely for a week or two.

Apparently the rest did me good, because after after years of settling into the same routine, all of a sudden I felt strong enough to push myself further and further each time! It wasn't just a good day, but workout after workout, I was finding the motivation and strength to power though more reps than I'd ever done before!

Until I realized... somewhere along the line I'd started counting differently. These were exercises that had a left and a right side, and I used to count "one" after completing both sides. Now I was going left: "one," right "two."

Sh*t.

So I was actually doing way less than I had before, but feeling incredibly smug about it.

And this is not the first time I've had such disappointments:

My walking and running times at a newly discovered running track were so much better than I thought they'd be--my half-assed but consistent training efforts had apparently paid off big time, now that I could measure them! I was so psyched I started going to the track all the time--how could I have ever thought running tracks were boring?-- and I found myself abandoning my previous hilly, unmeasurable routes.

Sigh.

Until one day I discovered the track was some sort of freakish old-fashioned non-standard thing that was Way Under a quarter mile. My times were NOT suddenly faster than I'd ever gone before. I sort of wish I hadn't asked, or that the smarty pants soccer team guy hadn't been so pleased and amused to set me straight about it. (Haven't been back to the track since then, oddly enough).

Oh and that stupid "gravitron" machine at the Gold's Gym in D.C.? The one that made me feel SO proud and pumped about how little help I needed to do pull-ups and tricep dips? Too bad I finally noticed that weights labeled in 10 lb increments were actually 20 lb weights, and I was needing twice the help I'd thought I was getting.

Got Skepticism?
Why am I not more suspicious when my usual half-assed efforts all of a sudden yield amazing results? When something is suddenly harder, I'm quite quick to assume there's something wrong with the machine, or that the trail that looks flat must actually be uphill--err, in both directions? Or that it's the wind or hormones or what I ate for breakfast or the cycle of the moon or something.

I just want to believe, so bad, that I'm really awesome and strong and dedicated, without actually putting out the kind of effort to be any of those things.

Heart Rate Goes Up, Brain Shuts Down
Part of my problem too is that I can't think and exercise at the same time. Trying to do six intervals during my treadmill routine proved impossible until I made myself do them at specific time increments--because I discovered I could not count to six.

I even tried putting six pennies in my pocket and taking one out after each interval--but I'd keep forgetting to do it... or thinking maybe I'd forgotten to do it. Surely there couldn't be three f*cking pennies still left--I must have done at least four intervals by now! Maybe I just forgot to take out one of the pennies?

Screw It, It Is What It Is
One answer to the painful disappointment that accompanies faux performance gains: stop measuring and caring that much about how much I do. It's pretty clear after several decades of working out that I'm not willing to push myself hard enough to do amazing things. And I'm pretty content, over all, with my consistent if not spectacular performance. So why get so excited if some number gets big all of a sudden?

Damn ego, wish I could send it packing. But that would probably take some sort of self-improvement effort--and I don't seem to be willing to put in a bunch of time doing that, either.

What about you folks, do you measure your performance and have expectations about it? Ever go through any ups and downs over the results?

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[By Merry]

"How do people go to sleep? I'm afraid I've lost the knack." - Dorothy Parker


Sleep is good.

Working so much overtime that you get hooked on coffee is bad, but that's where I'm at right now. (I have to write documentation for an application, but the only time I can get access to the software without some bloody engineer tinkering with it is between 8pm and 5am, so I've become really, really appreciative of sleep.) The trouble is, if you get into the habit of punishing your body with excess caffeine, when you finally lay down you're still twitching with aggravated adrenalin jolts.

Trying to find research that has helpful suggestions led me instead to the ultimate vindication for your inner slug: getting up early can be harmful to your health. Apparently, "getting up early is also more likely to lead to muscle aches, cold symptoms, headaches and significantly worse moods." [They needed a study to figure that last one out?] Of course, not exercising because you slept in isn't great for your health either.

I mean, I do realize some of the bad things that can happen to you if you don't sleep:

• Lack of sleep can affect men's hormone levels as well as women's fertility, and it makes people of both sexes age faster.
• Lack of sleep has also been linked to the body's inability to handle insulin, which can lead to diabetes.
• Lack of sleep can help you become obese.
  
• In addition, a lack of sleep slows down your mental processes, which is awkward when you're in a meeting and someone wants you to give them an expert opinion. (The trouble with being the only writer in a vast herd of engineers is that they expect you to know everything about words. The other day, my manager asked me -- in front of a lot of upper management important peoples -- how to spell the word obsolescence. Luckily, I managed, but it was still a tricky moment.)

How do you get to sleep when you're wired-but-tired? I'd love to hear how you manage it. Here are some of the suggestions that I've gathered so far:

• Do try that deep breathing/counting stuff. Even if the mind is going around and around like a Starbucks-addicted hamster on an exercise wheel, the body can affect the mind; besides, if you’re lying there in the dark staring at the ceiling, it gives you something to do besides being irritated.
• Don’t drink when trying to get to sleep. Helps you fall asleep, but can cause you to wake in the middle of the night, which is invariably the most depressing time of the whole 24-hour cycle. Besides, unless you’re on the Wine diet, it’s not going to help the waistline.
• Avoid 12 Frappacinos before bedtime. (Okay, so some of the suggestions were pretty obvious.)
  
• Try some milk, if you can stomach it. Or a turkey sandwich. (Or both, since both contain tryptophan.)
• Instead of regular sleeping pills, try the homeopathic ones like Moondrops. [Note: this is not an endorsement or a warning against this stuff. I'm passing on a suggestion I received.]
• Avoid if possible sleeping pills that might cause strange behavior. Several cases have been reported about people taking Ambien, which apparently made them get up in the middle of the night, not fully conscious, and go driving. Even if it doesn't have that effect on you, it has been known to get people up in the middle of the night to raid the frig. Seriously. (If you're going to raid the frig, you should at least enjoy the moment!)

Does anyone have any other suggestions?

Until I find a solution, it's comforting to know that scientists are tirelessly working on this problem. Researchers at Wake Forest have discovered a naturally occurring brain peptide that can improve the cognitive performance of sleep-deprived monkeys. Hell, if it can make monkeys think better when they're short on sleep, maybe it can do the same for technical writers. Very similar species, after all.


Sketch courtesy of Flickr.

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I Don't See a Slot For Blog Posts

[By Crabby]

Don't worry, this isn't a post nagging you to clean out your funky-smelling milk containers and save your used tea bags for the compost heap. I know you folks are green as all get-out and you're all over that stuff already.

(I keep having these nagging recycling questions myself, like: used napkins-- are they paper or garbage? Does it depend on what food they were used for and how disgusting they got? But never mind--like I said, this isn't actually about that kind of recycling).

So I just wrote a comment in an attempt to win a contest at Blogher, which is a pretty hopeless quest but I figured what the hell. And then I thought, why waste what's essentially a short post? So I decided I'd "recycle" the darn comment here.

For other Blogher folks who may be interested in entering the contest and spoiling my chances, the contest is about Your Plans to Live Healthier in 2008.

Note: the deadline is soon and there is a harsh and punitive WORD LIMIT of 250, which made it really hard for me because I do not tend to shut up about anything after writing a mere 250 words. I can't write a grocery list that short even if all I need is milk.

The competition looks pretty stiff, because everyone wants an all-expense paid trip to the Blogher conference in San Francisco this summer, which is the prize. (I'm assuming they know I will no longer be living near SF by then and hate to fly. I'm guessing if I win they'll send a very patient limo driver to Provincetown MA to pick me up and ferry me cross-country. Right, Blogher?)

Unfortunately, lots of the other contestants actually went out and did a bunch of cool new healthy things, which puts me at a decided disadvantage. But here we go anyway!

Crabby's Three Awesome Health Resolutions for 2008:

1. I'm going to run my very first MARATHON! Hooray for me!
1. Oh wait... my knees are pretty trashed. But I'm gonna do lots of healthy stretching and strengthening, and work up to running 5-7 miles five times a week!
1. Err, strike that. How about three to four miles, five times a week? That's still pretty darn healthy!
1. Ouch. Ow ow ow.
1. Sigh. I'll go running ONCE a week and return to dorky race-walking and elliptical like before.

2. I'm going to eat nothing but fresh organic produce, lean protein, whole grains, nuts and seeds and olive oil and I'll never touch another evil cupcake or eat another plate of nachos ever again!
2. Plus maybe a little dark chocolate and red wine, too. Those are good for you.
2. Okay, only ONE cupcake a week, as a treat.
2. Oops. Well maybe some weeks two cupcakes... But definitely only one order of nachos a quarter. Err, per month... Okay, per week.
2. Um, so lets say I resolve to eat pretty healthy MOST of the time, like I was doing already.

3. I'm going to resolve to keep improving my physical and mental well-being in every way possible every single day!
3. Um... most of the time, anyway.
3. Oh dear. Well, maybe I'll just try my best to be as healthy as I can. Life's too short for perfection!

So it's a holiday weekend for a lot of people, and I know you're all out playing and I hope you're having a great time. But if you're doing something healthier in 2008, Cranky Fitness would love to hear about it, especially if it keeps you from going over to tell Blogher about it and stealing my all expense paid trip.

Have a great weekend everyone!

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