Women and "Beauty"-- I Just Don't Get It

Surprise: This Is Not Crabby McSlacker!
Image: Vogue Magazine

How To Lose Friends and Alienate Readers

So this is one of those ill-advised posts that I will probably regret soon after I hit "Publish." But as a female health blogger, there is a nagging question that comes up for me all the time: why do women seem to be so obsessed with physical appearance?

This is not just a rhetorical question. For those of you who do care a whole heck of lot about your appearance, and the appearance of other women, I really am curious about why that is.

I know it's weird to question something so ubiquitous in our culture. But it seems to me that is still often considered the most important thing about a woman, or at least one of the most important things: how does she look?

Lurking behind nearly every mainstream media women's "health" magazine or website is a not-so-secret agenda: tell women what they need to do to lose weight and become more attractive. "Health" in the conventional sense is almost kind of a side note: oh yeah, and here's how not to end up with diabetes or die of cancer.

(That's why I especially like fitness bloggers who focus on health and empowerment, rather than pant size, like Kelly at Fitness Fixation or the inimitable MizFit).


So What's With All This "You" Stuff?

So here's part of the reason for my confusion, and part of the reason this post may seem really irritating: I may be a woman, but I think more like a guy when it comes to this beauty stuff.

Sure, I'd rather be attractive than unattractive, but it's not something I'm willing to spend a whole lot of time or thought on. Like with a car: it might be fun some days to drive around in a gleaming vintage Jaguar convertible instead of a dented station wagon.

(Bringing More Boys to The Yard
Than Milkshakes Since 1935)
Photo: Jigmi

But who has the time, money, and patience for a Jag? That dented station wagon gets me to the grocery store just fine, even if it doesn't turn any heads along the way. And I don't have to throw a bunch of time, money, and emotional energy into maintaining it. And as long as it runs great I'm happy!

It really does seem to me that the average woman spends a LOT of time, money and energy maintaining that Jaguar. Is there a cost associated with that? Are there other things that are being sacrificed in life to keep those heads turning when you drive by? Or are the benefits so totally worth it it's not even a question?

What's Wrong With Crabby?

I just don't think like a normal woman! I see a typical shoe store display full of designer stiletto shoes and I wonder: Why do these even exist? Why would a woman put these on her feet when sneakers are so much easier to get around in?

My pragmatic stance on such matters is certainly not because I've pondered the issue and meditated over it and sought spiritual guidance and decided there are more important things in life than how I look.

It's just that truly I don't care that much! I seem to be missing the normal girly genes that make fashion, hairstyles, footwear, skinny jeans, makeup, etc, etc, etc, subjects of so much interest. I don't even find highly "feminine" styles attractive--I like a more androgynous look, on both men and women. I just seem to have been born with a different set of operating instructions than most females.

(So I realize that while plenty of straight women can probably relate, and plenty of lesbians are totally feminine, girly, and devoted to their physical appearance... I don't think it's entirely a coincidence that so many of us with female partners instead of male ones started of as "tomboys." It wouldn't surprise me at all if there were something genetic that goes into gender role development as well as sexual orientation, and that's why I think more like a guy on all this).


Help! I Really Do Want To Know!

So, girly girls, can you help me understand? I have several questions, and I'd really like to know what you think. Just consider me like a clueless alien from another planet, or perhaps, a guy.


1. Do You Want to be Pretty Mostly For Yourself Or Because That's What Men Demand?

In my younger days, I used to think it was all men's fault that so often, women were judged solely on their appearance. (And back then, I think there was a lot more societal pressure on women to just "shut up and look pretty"). But now, I can't help noticing that women themselves seem to drive a lot of this focus. I don't think it's men who are clamoring to know where Michelle Obama buys her sweaters or how many pounds Valerie Bertinelli has lost and kept off. Would the editors of women's magazines keep putting waifs on their covers and promising miracle beauty solutions if that wasn't what women wanted?

So I'm starting to wonder if this focus on women's physical appearance is actually driven more by women's interest and their standards, not men's? But I actually have no idea.


2. Is the quest for physical attractiveness pragmatic, recreational, or is it a major source of self-esteem for you?

I'm guessing that women who look like beauty pageant contestants are treated differently than women who do not. They probably have an easier time getting promoted and catching a cab at rush hour and finding husbands. But I sense there's something more than practical and financial benefits at stake behind the quest for the perfect shade of eyeshadow or the skinniest rear end. What does being beautiful mean to you?

3. Does your fear of not looking slim or attractive enough ever cause you stress?

The nice thing about driving an old dented station wagon is that when the runaway shopping cart slams into your passenger side door? Meh, not such a big deal. Not quite the same thing if you're driving a Jag? Or are you pretty content with your appearance regardless of how close it is to fashion model standards?

4. Does this whole blog post make you extremely irritated with me? If so, that's cool, feel free to share your annoyance in the comments!

The Kirstie Alley Weight Loss Program!

Oops!

This Friday rant is brought to you by Cranky Fitness©. Now be sure to watch for our special Cranky Fitness Miracle Weight Loss-Cupcakes©, coming soon to a retailer near you! Or, OK, maybe not soon, but someday you just watch, we'll invent some. These cupcakes will be so incredibly tasty that you will not be able to stop eating them, but they'll also be so slimming you'll evaporate into thin air! Which sounds like it would be a bad thing, but we know what women want when it comes to weight loss. What could possibly be better than becoming so slim that you take up no space at all?


So, Kirstie Alley--she's a celebrity, right?

Sure! We've seen her before. Wait, now why is it that she looks familiar? Well, if you're old like me, you might remember her from the TV show "Cheers." Or you might have seen her in the less well-known show "Veronica's Closet" in the 90's. Or from the silly movie with the talking baby and John Travolta. She's been in other stuff too.

But at some point, Kirstie did what a lot of women do as they get older: she gained a bunch of weight.


Uh oh.

Rule number one of being a famous actress: don't gain a bunch of weight.

(Rule number two: don't get older. Naively, many actress persist in doing this anyway! No wonder their careers tank).

But, fortunately for her, Kirstie Alley was allowed to stay famous anyway. Normally, if you're an actress and you gain weight, you go from starring roles to cute little cameo appearances. You're not the Girl who gets the Guy anymore; you're batty Aunt Mildred or you're the emergency room patient with the wacky medical complaint or you're the cafeteria lady with the ugly hairnet and the caustic put-downs.

How did Kirstie avoid being the cafeteria lady? Well, partly by making fun of her own girth. She starred in a Showtime series in 2005 called "Fat Actress."

Then she became a spokesperson for Jenny Craig and lost 75 pounds and was in TV commercials! Hooray for Kirstie!

But, oh dear.

Later she gained 83 pounds, and stopped being a spokesperson for Jenny Craig. (I'm not sure which began first, the weight gain or the break-up with Jenny). Either way, she ended up heavy again and was no longer paid to tell people to eat Jenny Craig.

Oh wait, that didn't come out right. But you know what I mean.

I know it sounds like a sad story, but don't be sad! Because it has a happy ending:

Apparently Kirstie had a huge epiphany and came to realize her sense of self-worth shouldn't be all tied up in her weight and appearance! So she decided to focus on getting healthy by exercising and eating nutritious whole foods and discovered that there were other more important things in life than how many pounds the scale said she weighs, and...

Nah, just kidding!!! Ha ha ha!!! Of course that's not true.

What actually happened is that Kirstie recently went on Oprah and bemoaned her 83 pound gain. She told People Magazine about how horrifying it was to discover she was 228 lbs. "I was so much more disgusting than I thought!" However, now she's totally turning things around. She intends to hire a personal trainer and work really hard. And according to the Oprah website:

Though Kirstie says she still hasn't gotten back on the exercise equipment, she has begun the weight loss journey. "For the last year and a half, I've been researching and developing my own weight loss line, and I've actually lost 20 pounds in the last five weeks doing that," she says.

The article goes on to say that her new weight loss line will be on the market this fall, probably in November. And Kirstie is hoping to have lost a bunch of weight by then.

Now I wish Kirstie all the best with her health and self-esteem and all. It must be horrible to have your private life and your fluctuating poundage reported and photographed in the tabloids for everyone to gawk over.

And so many women have experienced the same sad cycle. There really is something poignant about it.

However... does the fact that Kirstie Alley is now starting to market a "weight loss line" based on the weight she intends to lose in the coming months strike anyone else as a little premature?

Though she'll probably manage to lose weight again. If she's motivated enough, she can probably pull it off temporarily, no matter what sort of program she decides to go on.

The thing that really makes me want to take a sledgehammer to a big-screen TV set, though, and then and pound away at the plasma for a good hour or two is: Kirstie Alley stands a reasonable chance of selling whatever the hell plan she comes up with.

Because she's a celebrity.

And it doesn't matter if it's a sensible weight loss plan, or if it's a chocolate pomegranate termite-juice shake, combined with a fitness regimen of shoulder shrugging and nail-filing and hair tossing. It doesn't matter. A bunch of people will buy it because it's Kirstie Alley's plan.

I do not understand this.

Why people are so stupid when it comes to celebrities pushing products? Celebrities are the last people on earth to take seriously when it comes to endorsements.

First off, the main kind of celebrities we have in this country, besides sports heroes, are actors and actresses.

Shall we stop and review the job description of acting? Acting is pretending. Actors get paid a lot of money to say things that are entirely made up, and be convincing about it. Do they sound sincere? Of course they do, that's their job!

But people should be especially skeptical of any temporary weight loss results achieved by a celebrity.

Rich, famous people who have careers on the line and huge financial incentives at stake, who can hire trainers and personal chefs and turn their houses into gyms, are much more likely to lose weight than an average person, even if program they're on is absolute lunacy and completely unsustainable.

Can an average person really expect that they'll get the same results if they just do the same kind of bicep curl or buy the same shake or frozen dinner?

But people do expect that. Because actresses and singers and sports stars and talk show hosts are our "friends." And if our "friend" can lose a bunch of weight eating a particular kind of convenience food, then shouldn't we trust that it will work for us too?

Seriously, you're going to love the Cranky Fitness Miracle Weight Loss-Cupcakes©. We swear they totally work for us!


So what do you guys think, about Kirstie's "line"--am I just being too cynical and mean? And are you more likely to buy a health or weight loss product because a famous actor or actress is associated with it?

Swine Flu: Why You Should Panic

photo: ChrisBravoTown

So Swine Flu has been in the news a bit lately, have you noticed?

There are some ominous signs out there that this new strain of H1N1 virus may become responsible for a horrible unstoppable global pandemic--the stuff of history books and horror movies.

Or... it might not.

None of the experts, as of this writing, claim to know what the deal is yet. It's too early, and flu viruses are unpredictable. A helpful quote to keep in mind: "If you've seen one flu pandemic, you've seen one flu pandemic."

So it's natural to wonder: is all this hoopla in the media really justified? Should we all be worried about catching and/or dying from Swine Flu?

The short answer: Yep, it's definitely time to panic!


Why now, when there's still so much we don't know? Well, here are Five Good Reasons to start seriously Freaking Out about Swine Flu.

1. Flu Pandemic News: It's A Great Break From Lolcats.

If you're online and trying to avoid doing actual constructive work, there are only so many times a day you can visit your favorite blogs and sites without starting to get a little bored. But now with the swine flu outbreak, you just have to work up enough anxiety so that you Need to Know Every Breaking Development. Voila! You have something new and scary and morbidly fascinating to click on every few minutes.

Because at least for the moment, the disease is spreading, so you can fuel your sense of fear and dread and horrified curiosity every time new cases are discovered. You can find maps, read first-hand accounts, and analyze the political and economic implications of the outbreak. You can choose from a large variety of experts either making dire predictions or offering calm reassurance, whichever spin you prefer.

(Note: One good source for info is Effect Measure; there's always the Center for Disease Control; and HealthBolt also has a round-up of good swine flu links. But it is not exactly hard to find Swine Flu news. Just go to any major news site and click, click, click to your heart's content.)

Those of you who can't work up enough worry to care? Sorry, time to go back to your cute kitteh pictures.

there will always be Lolcats

2. Washing Your Hands Is A Good Idea Anyway!

The more worried you are about catching something potentially deadly, the more likely you are to pay better attention to those Health Experts recommendations about frequent hand washing. As well as those lectures about not touching your face or rubbing your eyes or brushing itchy strands of hair off your forehead unless you've just washed your hands. So even if it turns out there's no epidemic after all, a nice sense of panic will make you much less likely to catch some other unpleasant but less notorious bug than could still make you really miserable.

3. Panic is A Bonding Experience

Most things people get really worked up about are either too personal to share with casual coworkers (the painful details of your divorce, for example), or they're controversial and might cause disagreement (your feelings about corporate bailouts or legalizing drugs or universal health care or whatever).

However, very few people are in favor of massive illness and death. You can pretty much assume that it's safe to share your worries if you have them and no one's going to get offended. And if things do get worse? Oddly enough, people who are scared for their lives often pull together and act much more reasonably and generously than they do in ordinary times!

So keep this simple trick in mind if any of the people you have to deal with on a daily basis are irritating asshats: just whip up a little frenzied fear that a scary awful bug is going to sweep through your office and strike random victims... it could make even the most obnoxious coworker seem suddenly way less annoying!

4. Panicked Overreaction Makes A Great Cocktail Party Story

Once the danger is over, you can tell funny stories about the case loads of face masks and hand sanitizer you stashed in your basement during the Great Swine Flu Scare of 2009. Anxious types who have, in the past, done things like stockpiled duct tape and garbage bags and iodine pills in the aftermath of 9-11, or who hoarded canned goods and cash for when all the world's computers were going to crash in the beginning of the new millennium... well, these folks always tell the best humorous anecdotes at parties. The cheerfully neurotic raconteurs are always more fun to listen to than the smug "I knew from the beginning there was nothing to worry about" types.

5. Er, We Could Actually End Up Having a Swine Flu Pandemic

In which case you will have gotten your panicking done way ahead of schedule, and will be all exhausted and unsurprised and relatively calm while those who didn't think it was going to be a big deal will be freshly reeling.


But What If Panic Just Isn't Your Thing?

I suppose you could just console yourself with the fact that (1) it's probably still really unlikely that anything bad will happen to you personally; and (2) other than take sensible precautions, there's not a lot you can do to stop the spread of swine flu, properly panicked or not. So if you'd rather leave the freaking out to people who actually enjoy it, I suppose being all calm and collected is probably OK too... Ya Big 'Ol Party Poopers.


What about you folks, worried about swine flu yet?

Easily Embarrassed

[By Crabby]



So, would you like to see the hilarious photo of the guy running in some big race who crapped his running shorts in front of thousands of horrified/amused spectators?

Click here!

Oh sorry, did that link not work?

Must be technical difficulties. Or, more accurately, psychological ones.

I feel profoundly uncomfortable about the growing internet trend of posting and publicizing pictures and videos of ordinary people who did something accidental and humiliating.

Wrong place, wrong time, caught on camera--and now some poor soul has to cope with the fact that their image is all over the world wide web. Someone leaked bodily fluids or fell in an embarrassing way or fell victim to a prank or an accident and perhaps did not conduct himself or herself with grace.

What if that person were me? How would I feel?

Probably pretty close to suicidal. (I am, however, neurotic).

Are these photos and videos obtained and distributed with the permission of the person being made fun of? Well, I don't know. What's your guess? And if I don't know, should I just assume "they must be ok with it because everyone else is posting it too?"

Of course there are plenty of times when I don't mind laughing right along with everyone else:

Stuck-up celebrities who carefully manipulate their image and do everything they can to be photographed constantly so they can sell that image? Well, when they get caught doing something stupid, I don't feel so bad.

Or idiots who film themselves doing reckless stunts and then wipe out in spectacular or humorous ways? I have no problem with those sorts of videos either.

But an ordinary person minding his or her own business who is not asking for trouble? I think we should leave 'em alone. I don't care how "funny" it was; I care that this was an actual person and I don't want to play a part in hurting them.

I'll admit, I'm someone who is easily embarrassed. I get vicariously embarrassed for others and I cringe right along with them. In fact, I don't even like fictional characters to humiliate themselves. I'll fast-forward through a movie when the drunk person starts to get up to make the speech at the black-tie dinner or whatever. I'm weird, I know.

Does anyone else have any thoughts about this? Am I just being too sensitive?

Interview Time!

[by Crabby]

That's a Microphone People, So No Smart-Ass Remarks

We rarely (ok never) have interviews here at Cranky Fitness 'cause honestly we don't tend to get out much. However, thanks to the Amazing Invention of E-mail, we are actually going to bring you a conversation with someone not of this blog, Leslie Goldman.

Who is Leslie Goldman?

Well, she's the author of “The Locker Room Diaries,” (based on years of locker-room interviews with women about their bodies and body image), as well as a co-host of the Chicago TV show Fit Today. And she hosts the awesome blog The Weighting Game over at iVillage. She’s also an accomplished speaker who tours the country talking about women’s body image and eating disorders. Plus she contributes to the hugely popular The Huffington Post, and has written stuff for most of the major magazines you’ve ever heard of.

Yet it’s hard to hold any of that against her! That’s because Leslie is so darn nice and down-to-earth and funny. If you’re not already a regular reader of The Weighting Game, consider bookmarking or subscribing, and you may want to check out her book too.

Cranky Fitness recently caught up with Leslie recently despite our busy schedules (Leslie was just back from speaking at the Menninger Clinic; Crabby was in her bathrobe sipping coffee trying to work up some motivation to go to the gym), but despite the daunting obstacles we made it work! So here to class up the blog a bit is Leslie Goldman.

Crabby: With all the conversations you've had with women about their bodies, what surprised you the most?

Leslie: Well, I spoke with little three-year-old girls who talked about being on diets because they were "fat" (WTF?), pregnant women and new moms battling their shifting weight, women of all different ethnic backgrounds, women who had undergone gastric bypass, women who had overcome eating disorders like anorexia, bulimia and compulsive over-exercising, and women in their 60s, 70s and 80s for the chapter on “the older generation.”

Bottom line: The grass is always greener. Everyone wants what they can’t have (tall vs petite; slim vs athletic; 34A vs 40DD) and very, very few women were happy as they are. Of those who are, the majority of them fell in the “older women” category, which is why I especially enjoyed interviewing Harriet, June, Kookie, etc. These women had so much wisdom to impart – many of them spoke of how the years have allowed them to view their body as more than just eye candy, but a tool for building a family, fighting off disease, caring for grandchildren. It became less about vanity and more about keeping themselves healthy and strong.

It sounds like you've had your own struggles with body image. Is that hard to share that publicly? What kind of reaction do you get?

Yes...and I'm completely and totally open to talking about it. I let it all hang out because I find that women not only appreciate it and learn from it, but feel more open to spilling their "secrets" to me.

After I tell a room of hundreds of girls about how I used to go running at midnight...alone...on a Big 10 college campus, they probably thinks, "Wow - she was even crazier than I was!" Because I was in a total cloud. During my first semester of college, I shed 30 pounds from an already-slender 5’11” frame through a diet of salsa-topped salad and those seemingly endless nighttime runs. My face grew gaunt; I lost my boobs and period. My family freaked out but I just didn’t get it. I mean 5’11” and 120 pounds – that’s what models weigh, right? Now, I can see how deluded I was. There are dogs that weigh more than 120 pounds. I did not look good. In a sad bit of irony, I was majoring in – and acing -- nutritional sciences.

Admittedly, I'm an insanely open and extroverted person to begin with, which helps. For example, in my book, I write, in detail, about my first Brazilian bikini wax. Graphic detail. My father and grandfather have read my book. It made for some interesting dinnertime discussions.

What helped you overcome some of your own body image issues?

First, I have to say being ready personally was an important step. You can’t really help someone if they don’t want to be helped. So once I was mentally and physically prepared to make a change, I made damn sure I had a good therapist. You can and should couch-hop a couple times if you don’t click with the guy or lady right away. I found a male social worker who is challenging and doesn’t coddle me. Some people like a softer approach. I wanted confrontation.

Also, I have to give a shout-out to medication. Honestly, Luvox saved me. I’m know some people out there are anti-antidepressants and so was I for the first few years of college. I thought there was a stigma. Little did I know that 10 years later, 95% of my friends would be on Zoloft, Paxil or Lexapro. That’s an exaggeration, obvs, but I do maintain that being on an SSRI helped to clear away the clouded vision I had of my body. It didn’t make me feel instantly pretty or skinny or sexy, but I feel it put me on a level playing field to fight the disease.

What's it like appearing on TV--is it easy and comfortable or a bit scary?

The first time I starred opposite Brad, I was nervous but pleasantly excited. He was my first kiss.

Oh, you mean after my childhood star blossomed? I actually really enjoy TV appearances. You get so pumped up before and your adrenaline (hopefully) carries you through. I remember walking across Rockefeller Plaza before the Today Show in June of 2006 and all those people who cheer for Al Roker and Meredith Viera fell silent as I came out because they were like, “Who is THAT?” But then, once the interview started – Natalie Morales was the interviewer – it was exhilarating. I remember afterwards, lots of people complimented me on my shoes (I was wearing $14.99 satin peep toe pumps which I never thought would be seen on camera, but because Natalie and I were seated on a faux locker room bench, my legs were crossed and my ankles were up by my ears. Good things I’d done a quick self-pedi beforehand.)

One would guess that there might be some pressure to look as attractive and slim as possible on TV. Is there? And if so, how do you keep it from messing with your head?

This is a good question – I feel like we live by the adage “The camera adds 10 pounds” in our society. Which is why products like THIS exist. Just kidding. I think that camera is sad and gross. But seriously, during a photo shoot for the Fit Today show, I was wearing a tiny sportsbra/tank and too-tight Nike pants and the photographer was having me pose in this crazy ballerina pose where I was standing on my right leg and holding my left foot in my left hand, extending it out like some kind of flying ostrich. And I’m holding the pose and the photographer is saying, “Suck it in! Suck in your stomach! Suck, suck, suck!” And I was already sucking so hard, I might as well have been Jessica Simpson’s latest movie. My stomach is a part of my body I’ve never had any qualms about and still, that episode bummed me out a bit because it made me think, “Um, how flat can a stomach possibly be?”

And advice to women who struggle a lot with feeling dissatisfied with their bodies?

One thing I recently learned about is called "body checking" - this is something I think many women (even myself, admittedly) likely have taken part in without even realizing it. It's essentially the over-evaluation of one's shape and weight via any number of methods...examples include looking at yourself in the mirror (to obsess over a body part - not simple grooming); hopping on the scale numerous times a day to track your weight; trying on a pair of jeans or other item of clothing to see if you "still fit" into it; pinching fat on your body; worrying that your thighs are jiggling when you run; comparing yourself with other women, whether celebrities or the woman standing in front on you at the GAP.

I compare these kinds of activities to jealousy - a pointless emotion that only serves to drive you mad. I would tell women to try their best to give up these behaviors. Also, be aware of the rampant airbrushing which exists in magazines and movies and billboards and lingerie catalogs and everywhere else. No one looks like that. Maybe Gisele, but that's it.

Are you planning any more books?

I want to write another one so badly I could scream! Trust me, it’s on my mind every day. But it’s so hard to chase down an idea. The locker room concept evolved very naturally – I’d overhear women talking in the locker room (eavesdropping…research…same diff) and write it down. For the next one, I know it will be a) non-fiction, b) about women in some way and c) well…that’s all I know, actually. Two out of three ain’t bad!

A lot of Cranky Fitness readers are health, fitness or weight-loss bloggers themselves. Any advice on building a successful blog or book audience? How did you manage to get gigs at iVillage and HuffPo and otherwise become so successful? (Oh hell, Crabby will drop the pretense--forget the readers, this question is for her).

I think...and you can back me up on this, Crabby...that in order to be a successful writer, you've gotta be determined, almost to the point of stalkerish. Editors get 1000 letter a month from other potential writers. You need to stand out. Whether that means specializing in a certain niche like health or movies or sports, or having an awesome, sarcastic sense of humor (ahem...you!), or whatever. You need to be responsible, creative, deadline-oriented, self-motivated. This last point is important - it's just too easy to say "I'm going to write in my PJs today" and then pass out in bed with a box of cereal spilling across your chest. Not that that's happened to me or anything. At least not in the past three weeks. Oh, and work any connection you can. Your roommate's brother's best friend is in advertising at Men's Health? Call him.

There is a rumor you were responsible for putting videos of (1) fornicating gorillas and (2) women with bouncing breasts on the front page of one of the most popular websites on earth. Any truth to this rumor? Anything to say in your defense?

Um…in my defense? Don’t you mean in my glory? The fact that I was able to drop this kind of knowledge on the world at large is one of my proudest achievements. When I saw the first-ever National Geographic photos of wild gorillas having sex face-to-face (which, according to scientists, never happens), I freaked out. I mean that in the best way possible. For some reason, I just found this so romantic, so awe-inspiring, so human. And afterwards, the male ape held the female ape’s hand. I mean…*melting*.
For more on bouncing boobs, you can check this out.

Thanks so much, Leslie!

So, Awesome readers, do go check out Leslie's blog The Weighting Game--(though beware, a certain Crab may be rambling on about nothing in an interview of her own there later this morning).

And if you have any observations or opinions on body image or anything else Leslie mentioned, please share! We always appreciate your thoughtful comments.

Icky Fitness Ad Roundup

Usually, it's fun to see advertisements for healthy products and services. You know, like running shoes or organic natural food, cool gym equipment, bikes, or whatever. We love to see the great gadgets and cute outfits and sturdy functional gear and all these happy people! They're all working out in gorgeous settings doing the very things we're trying to motivate ourselves to do--but suddenly it looks like a blast, not drudgery.

But then there are the other ads--the ones that make you want to take your healthy little magazine and shred it, spit on it, and then set the whole mess on fire. Or at least sigh and grumble a bit.

Now Cranky Fitness could fund an expedition out to the local newsstand to dig some of these up--but well, we'd rather just steal from acknowledge the contributions of some of our favorite bloggers who have found some awful ones already.

Faux Elitism: Let's Trash the Joggers!

First up: Katieo over at Sister Skinny had a great post about this obnoxious ad campaign by Pearl Izumi. (Note: coincidentally, Katie and the two authors of Cranky Fitness all happen to own this brand of shoe. Since I can barely ever find them in a store (and won't be looking quite as hard now), this was a surprising discovery. Are bloggers naturally attracted to pretentious shoes? If it's any excuse, none of us had seen the ads before we bought them.)

Anyway the point of the ad is to separate the wild, daring, dangerous, heroic "runners" from the lazy, boring, half-assed "joggers." You're supposed to identify as a runner, no matter how slow you yourself go, and look down on mere joggers. The ad portrays runners as "endangered" by all those joggers messing up the purity of their running experience by merely existing.

Not sure if you're a runner or a jogger? Some tips: if you do your "running" on a treadmill or with a stroller or an iPod, sorry, you're not really a runner. (You may, however, be a runner and own a plasma tv or an expensive car). The answer, if you're a poor pathetic jogger and want to be a runner? Just go faster--and buy their shoes.

Yeccch. Wouldn't it be great if they were pushing health and fitness for everyone, not just the "special" people? Why do they feel their experience is cheapened if others are allowed to have it too? Jogging is great exercise! Screw you, Pearl Izumi.


"Fit" Women

Kelly at Fitness Fixation found this ad for Champion products--which looks kind of normal until you check out the width of the women's arms (particularly the one in the blue shorts). Kelly has a great rant not only on model selection but on the general assumption that women should aspire to be skinny, not muscular.

It's annoying enough when underwear or high-fashion models look dangerously thin and/or airbrushed. But when you're in the sports clothing industry, wouldn't it be nice to pick a few women who look like they could lift a ten pound weight or even a can of Diet Coke without breaking an arm?


Women as Scantily Clad Cuts of Meat:

This skeezy ad for Equinox Fitness Clubs was spotted by Leslie, who has a great blog called The Weighting Game over at iVillage. (She has also written a book, making me jealous, about women and body image called "The Locker Room Diaries.")

The ad is awful enough as is, with a collection of vapid, plastic, women-as-pieces-of furniture. (Why in the world does anyone aspire to be furniture?) But what I would have missed, had she not pointed it out, was the fact that these women have been marked up like pieces of meat with a marking pen. It's creepy and confusing, too--does anyone have any idea why that's supposed to make you want to go to the gym?

And Finally, Combining The Most Loathsome Elements of All the Rest: the Anti-Gym!

Amy at Shaping Up My Life directed us to this rather amazing gym. Or sorry, anti-gym. No, wait, it's "Denver’s only health and vanity lifestyle boutique!" Think that's weird? Oh, hang on, it gets weirder.

Like the Pearl Izumi people, they need their second class citizens, the "chubbies," to make fun of. Naturally though, you can have your beer gut and still not be a "chubby" if you go to their gym and work out. The "chubbies" are always other people. So please don't be offended by their "No Chubbies" T-shirts.

Like the Equinox Ads, women seem to be pieces of meat, and like the Champion Ads, their fitness seems to be judged by odd standards. At least if you go by the pictures, which are basically porn with clothes on. Women are featured licking lollipops, clinging (in pairs) to men, and getting ready to make out with each other. Oh wait, they can also be cage dancers! And do martial arts--or something. (In one odd photo, a robotic looking woman seems to be trying to fend off a quasi-sexual attack by a man wielding a cupcake. )

WTF? Could someone explain this to me? If this is a macho gym aimed at guys who like porn, then what's with the "vanity lifestyle boutique" language? What actual macho guy would want to go to a vanity boutique? This is not to say there's anything wrong with a gym being sexy, or edgy, or "adult." But why is sexy always defined through 13-year old male eyes?

However, one persons "ick" can be another persons "wow, that's creative!" so I'm curious if others find these ads to be annoying too or if it's just me. And has anyone noticed any other health or fitness ads that grate?

Multiple Choice

Why Yes, This Is the Same Stock Photo
Crabby Uses Over and Over Again

1. The reason there is not a Real blog post at Cranky Fitness today is because Crabby was:

a) Busy preparing to celebrate the 17th anniversary of her (not-yet-legal-in-this-stupid-ass-country) Marriage-like Union with the most amazing Lobster in the world;

b) Too excited about Cranky Fitness being mentioned in Women's Health magazine to get much done;

c) Unable to think of anything good to write about;

d) Too busy dragging some of the nastiest, smelliest, heaviest, disgustingest carpet remnants and other bug-infested cat-pee-soaked items out of the basement for a dump run; or,

e) All of the above.


2. Since there's nothing much going on at Cranky Fitness today, you should go visit another better blog that Women's Health also mentioned, like:

a) Back In Skinny Jeans;

b) Sister Skinny;

c) Big Fat Deal;

d) Lose the Buddah;

e) All of the above.


3. And Crabby will be back soon with her usual:

a) Hastily-researched, sloppily-written health news summaries;

b) Questionable fitness advice;

c) Posts that have nothing at all to do with health or fitness;

d) Awesome blog comments by Smart Funny Readers since the comments are the best reason for stopping by Cranky Fitness in the first place;

e) All of the Above.


The answers to the Multiple Choice Quiz are, of course: (e), (e), and (e)!

And while Crabby will indeed be back soon, it may be a lamer, lazier week than usual due to the upcoming (U.S.) Thanksgiving holiday. She apologizes, especially to all her Canadian readers, whose Thanksgiving she missed entirely because she totally didn't even realize it was happening way back then.

Glamorous Crab!

So today's "real" post is below, but Crabby just wanted to mention she has a guest post today over at an extremely unlikely venue: one of the Glamour Magazine blogs!

The Crab is not by nature a glamorous creature. If Glamour had a sister publication, Frump, Crabby would be a much more natural candidate for a guest appearance there. (In fact, it occurs to Crabby she'd love to publish a magazine called Frump if one doesn't already exist!)

Anyway, if you have room in your busy days for yet another website click, check out the crab at Sunny's Shape Up--if only for the amusing juxtaposition of the Cheerful Sunny inviting the Grouchy Crab over for a visit. (There's even a poll there if you really like to click on things!)

Guest Post: Mary on Diet Books!

You may know Mary from her great comments here at Cranky Fitness, or for her funny and insightful blog, Sheesh. If you haven't found it yet, be sure to visit as soon as you are done here!

And yes, Crabby is squandering a precious Guest Post which she should be hoarding for her vacation. But she's running a bit behind these last few days with her negligible and mostly imaginary Numerous and Important responsibilities. Rest assured, however--she has left you in excellent hands. And Crabby will be back tomorrow with the usual silliness.

And now, here's Mary!

Diet Books: Useful Sources of Fiber?

I decided to look into the South Beach diet, mainly because of the amazing success of Pasta Queen, who lost almost 200 pounds through following this diet and sensible exercise. (Amazing pictures on her blog. Check them out!) I read the book. If you accept the premise that everyone has the same insulin spike when they eat high-glycemic foods, then this diet should work. I did like the section on Why People Fail on this Diet. It's refreshing to read someone admitting that no diet is 100% successful for everyone all the time.

Then I read what the experts had to say about the diet. Tufts Health & Nutrition Letter rips into the South Beach diet, while the DietBlog didn't think it was that bad. Dr. Weil's opinion was somewhere in-between.

It's the same all over the place. Pritikin, Ornish, Atkins, every popular diet book is touted as a)The Best Diet Book Ever and b)Total Crap Written By a Dangerous Moron. It's both confusing and discouraging. I'm starting to think that the best thing to do is toss all these books over my shoulder. Or just eat them. Fiber is good for you. (Is ink is toxic?)

Cookbooks, sure. Always good to find a new way to cook something while staying healthy. And general books on nutrition can be useful; once I understand the why behind something I should be eating, it's much easier to do it. But diet books are an uneasy hybrid between the two; they leave out too much detail behind their specific Diet Philosophy, they generally lack very much variety in the recipes, and they all spend Far Too Much Time trying to sell you on their particular diet. Sheesh. Enough already.

Reading books on health, diet, exercise can be extremely helpful, because they help train the most important part of your body: your brain. I used to be a complete and dedicated carnivore, but after reading book after book about how much better my life would be if I ate vegetables, I tentatively, gingerly, with all the confidence of a timid maiden dipping one toe into a cold pool, actually Bought A Vegetable. And even ate it. I would never have done that if I hadn't read up on healthy eating. Reading good books is a useful motivational tool. But reading specific diet books? Bah. Tailor a diet to your own needs, and make sure it's something a) healthy and b) something you'd be willing to do as a lifetime adjustment rather than a quick fix.

Eeee-Haw, It's the Friday Round Up!

It's that time of the week again, when Crabby abandons all attempts at organizational themes or helpful transitions and just rounds up a bunch of random studies and links for you too read or not, whatever your preference. So saddle up your ponies and lets go for our usual wild ride!

So who knows how scientific this story is, and it's been out on the AP wires for a couple of days so you may have read it already. But it seems there's a cat at a nursing home who is normally pretty aloof. But "Oscar" has the ability to sense when a patient is about to die, and when they are he curls up beside them. The folks at the nursing home have become so convinced of his abilities to predict imminent death that they use him as an early warning system to let relatives know they may need to get in quick. Skeptical? Crabby was too, because it seems like the sort of thing people tend to exaggerate. But she's keeping an open mind, because apparently this little guy keeps getting it right over and over and over again--twenty five times so far. The full account is here.

In other animal matters (and this might make a full post one day, given the interests of Crabby's readers) there was recent study suggesting that owning a dog may make you healthier. Cats--not so much. Crabby needs to investigate this further, because while it may be that the necessary daily walks are helping people lower their blood pressure and cholesterol, it also seems possible that only relatively healthy people can take on dog ownership in the first place. The study may well have controlled for that; Crabby needs to poke around a bit more.

And here's a produce fact Crabby didn't know: watermelon is a vegetable, not a fruit! Elastic Waist (which is a cool blog) has a link, as did one of Crabby's Smart Readers, but Crabby forgot who it was, sorry! The links eventually take you to WebMd.

And it looks like scientists may have isolated the chemical in curry that helps prevent Alzheimer's. Crabby is glad that there may be a potential new weapon against Alzheimer's on the way; still it's much more fun to eat Indian food that swallow some sort of extract. So in the meantime: more curry, yumm.

So that's enough research for a Friday. Now it's on to some recreational links that have nothing to do with health.

For you writers, Jen over at The Working Writer has a post full of resources for writing Sex Scenes in novels--many of the amusing What Not to Do variety.

And Dawn at The Flightless Writer has a funny post about the similarities between bloggers and trained rats.

Finally, some silliness that has probably been making the rounds for years but it was new to Crabby. It's a compendium of unfortunately placed advertisements. Given that Crabby is easily fooled by photoshop, caution is advised; however, it looks as though the site's authors make some effort to "keep it real." Some of them are, actually, pretty damn unfortunate.

And if you've made it this far and can find something in this odd collection to comment on, Crabby will be quite impressed!

Breast Cancer Randomness

Apologies for hapazardly grouping a bunch of breast cancer-related items together and calling it a post. Problem is, breast cancer is a Serious subject and this blog is not very good at Serious.

Not that cancer can't be a source of humor--but Crabby feels that the people best qualified to be light and irreverant about it are those who actually have it. Crabby doesn't. (And she promises if she ever gets it, she won't be all brave and inspiring like so many cancer survivors are. She'll be a whiny, self-absorbed, pain in the ass).

So here's a quick and no doubt incomplete round up:

Some bad news for barbecue lovers, at least if you're a post-menopausal woman: a new study out of University of South Carolina says eating a lot of barbecued meats may increase your breast cancer risk. The risk was even higher for those barbecue fans who skimped on fruits and vegetables.

And there's more evidence that excessive alcohol and HRT (hormone replacement therapy) increase a woman's risk for the disease. However, there seems to be no link between abortion and breast cancer.

Fortunately scientists are, as ever, busy on the research front. They're even designing and synthesizing breast-cancer fighting molecules that looks promising, at least in animal studies.

And in another somewhat related item, author (and first rate blogger) Allison Winn Scotch just came out with a novel about breast cancer. The Department of Lost and Found chronicles the complicated life and chemotherapy rounds of a woman newly diagnosed with the disease. TDLF is not one of those "sweet girl struck down in the prime of life" stories. Natalie Miller, the books' protagonist, is feisty, driven, sometimes ethically challenged, and so cranky she even has Crabby beat. Needless to say, there are plenty of opportunities for character development. There are also lots of fascinating medical and personal details that make her journey through chemo and her messy personal life seem realistic. For more info, make your way over to Allison's blog--she also gives writers helpful advice on getting their novels and magazine articles published.

Also, here's a link forwarded by a friend: click on the pink "fund free mammograms" button (3rd banner ad down from the top, in the middle) and the advertisers make a small donation towards mammograms for women in need. (Unless someone has heard otherwise, but all indications are it's legit).

And on a completely unrelated note: Crabby has not forgotten about our Contest. She's holding off a bit to work out some of details. Also she wants to accumulate enough Cranky Fitness readers so that people actually enter and she doesn't look like a complete fool for even mentioning it. (The good news--readership is actually increasing, slowly but surely! Crabby is thrilled.)

Quickies

Martha over at Thatsfit, (whom we like very much not only because she has sensible advice, but because she comes over here and visits us sometimes), has heard us whining recently about how tiresome it is to lift weights. Unlike Crabby, who basically said "get over yourself and do it anyway," Martha has actually come up with some alternative suggestions.

And Crabby couldn't help saying "WTF" at this perplexing advertisement for Breast Implants, via BitchPhD and Stay Free! Daily. Crabby is too chicken to copy the ad photo here, so she'll let one of those fine blogs do the heavy lifting.

And the Winner Is...

So the Webby Award winners were announced yesterday, and readers may want to check out the health winner: "That Guy." It's a site that is not only amusing, but has a public service agenda that is not at first obvious. Weirdly enough, the Defense Department had something to do with it and didn't totally f*uck it up.

After you've returned (and please do return as Crabby isn't done with you yet), Crabby wants to make an Award-related announcement of her own.

Back now? Good. So Crabby is thinking of having a Contest. Extra Special early readers of Cranky Fitness should have an advantage, she believes, so she is making a pre-announcement now so that you may start bookmarking items as you come across them. Also, because the idea may well be idiotic, Crabby wants to run it by you all first so you can talk her out of it before she embarrasses herself by making it official.

Crabby is looking for something along the lines of "Stupidest Health-Related Moments of the Recent Past." (She knows this description needs work). Readers will submit links such as: A celebrity or politician saying something totally inane about health; a respected media source giving crazy-ass advice; a government agency banning and/or endorsing something it shouldn't. Perhaps even a YouTube clip of someone endangering themselves in a particularly reckless but amusing manner. The target of our derision should be someone either prominent or arrogant--no picking on some poor schlub who is accidentally moronic.

Crabby will give this award a name like "The Crabbies" or "The Golden Claw" or something, and have the contest maybe once a month. The prizes will be monetarily worthless and probably virtual rather than physical, given postage prices and the international nature of her audience. She is thinking that Cranky Fitness might extend special promotional efforts on behalf on the winners' blogs or favorite charities.

So readers, what do you think? Dumb idea? Would you play? Any suggestions or ideas?

Health Magazine: WTF happened?

Once upon a time, many, many, years ago, Crabby subscribed to a health magazine called Hippocrates. There weren't a lot of health magazines back then, and this, despite its nerdy name, was very cool. Crabby loved it. Written for intelligent non-doctors, its pages were full of actual health and fitness research, careful analysis, and sensible suggestions.

And it was fun to read. It really was! The writers were skeptical and amusing and irreverent. (Mary Roach, whom Crabby greatly admires, was one of the contributors. She's been at Salon, and wrote darkly funny books like Spook: Science Tackles the Afterlife and Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers. Don't miss her).

But over the years, the magazine "evolved." And by "evolved," Crabby means: changed its name a bunch of times, sold it's soul, and went straight down the toilet.

The sad thing is, it's still probably one of the best women's health magazines out there. Please, dear readers, tell Crabby she is wrong and there is a better one and she will gratefully subscribe.

Let's just look at some of the informative articles on the cover of the most recent issue of Health: "The Most Slimming Swimsuits EVER," "Secrets to frizz-free hair," "Hotter Sex Tonight," and "A nice, firm butt in 10 minutes!"

Crabby is curious about that last one, having not read the issue yet. Firm butt? Ten minutes? Really? Is lamination involved?

Health has turned into a f*cking "Women's Magazine," not a health magazine. Page after page of make-up and fashion tips, skinny plastic-looking models, superficial takes on complex health issues, insanely unrealistic promises.

To be fair, there are usually a couple of good articles in there. But the whole magazine used to be good, and now it's mostly crap. (Crabby still reads it, but grouses the whole way through).

She can't even entirely blame the people who run Health magazine, because they're only responding to the market. They tried being informative instead of superficial and lame-brained, and it didn't work for very long. They couldn't sell enough copies that way, so they had to switch to what women would pay to read.

And most women apparently want another fluffy beauty magazine. Because Lord knows there aren't enough of those out there already.

Sigh.

So readers, ponder any of these questions: is Crabby just being a bitch? Do any of you read health magazines, or do you get your info elsewhere? Alternatively, has anything else you used to like gone down the toilet?