Ask Cranky Fitness: running shoes & exercise break ups

The good news: yes, it's another Ask Cranky Fitness post!
The bad news: it's a Merry-based post. Ms. Crabby is off making sure Michelle is doing her arm exercises correctly.
Okay, that's a completely untrue rumor that I just made up. Actually, she's off making the world safe for slackers. Which is an important job, even if it doesn't involve many trips to the White House.


Dear Cranky Fitness,

For nearly two years, I have been in a monogamous relationship with my running shoes. I haven't been consistent about running, but whenever I exercise I wear these shoes. They've been good years, on the whole, but now I'm starting to wonder if we should break up.


"Experts," i.e. people who run more than I do, say it's not good to be exclusive with one pair of running shoes for more than six months, as the wear-and-tear on the shoes could damage your feet/knees/joints. But these experts are hardcore runners. I'm more of the softcore type, myself -- isn't it okay to wear them longer?

signed,
Runaround Sue

Dear Sue,

We feel your indecision. Or at least, I do. Crabby runs circles around me (and squares, and sometimes even polygons).

People who are addicted to running get so they can usually tell when it's time to go shopping. If you're not sure, try this: get another pair of running shoes as backup. Switch back and forth between the new and the old pairs. When your original pair start to feel less springy/cushiony/comfortable than the newer pair, that's a sign. Or, if your foot starts to hurt after running, that's another sign. If you start running on a more regular basis, then definitely go for the hardcore approach and shop more often. You can either pay at the shoe store or at the foot doctors.

Dear Cranky Fitness,

I have a relationship problem. I finally found a partner who seemed like the perfect match: we were both somewhat out-of-shape but wanted to become fit meisters. She's a one-time athletic friend who has gained a lot of weight in the last year or so, and she really sounded enthused when I used words like "5k" and "training." Now, she complains about how her leg muscles hurt when we do even a quite easy walk. I'm worried -- she used to run rings around me, but now she can't keep up? I would swear I haven't improved -- at least I haven't gotten thinner -- so maybe she's becoming ill and I shouldn't expect her to train with me. What do I do? Should I go on alone or wait for her to keep up with me?

signed,
Anxious in Arizona

Dear AA,

Sorry. I know the excitement of thinking you've finally found The One: an exercise partner who can keep pace without leaving you in the dust or holding you back as you try to improve. Face the fact that no one is perfect, not even an exercise partner. A friend will try to understand as you forge ahead, but will probably feel hurt all the same. If she's truly a friend, then I suggest you think of your outings together as good occasions for bonding, not as training. Do training on your own if you have to. Join running clubs, or cycling groups, or exercise on your own until you're up to joining a formal group. Keep your friend, and honor your time with her as good in its own right.


Dear Cranky Fitness,

How do I get my relatives to stop spamming me? I wouldn't mind it if they wanted to communicate via email, but the only time I get something from them it's a chain letter that's been forwarded 10,287 times, and has 26 lines of email addresses, 1 subject line, and 2 lines of pink text with a picture of a saccharine kitten. They never check Snopes.com before forwarding the latest Nigerian-Prince-needs-a-new-lung-because-his-kidneys-were-stolen story, and they don't seem to get it that I Don't Want To Hear It. What can I do to make them stop, aside from changing my email address or leaving the country?

signed,
Email Rebel


Merry: Um... Crabby... doesn't anybody screen these emails? What's this got to do with health fitness or... oh damn. I suppose it does come under the heading of 'whining.'

Dear ER,

At this point, I should probably say something Zen-ish like 'you cannot change others, you can only change yourself.' Unfortunately, someone borrowed my only copy of Zen and the Art of Enigmatic Wisdom, so I don't have any profound koans to offer.

The best thing I can say is that this is a great opportunity to practice patience. And respond to their emails with a Snopes link pointing out why their email was a hoax. It won't help to do this; at least, in my experience these people almost never read emails, they just send them. But it might teach them not to be so credulous.

Evil thought... you could always open a post office box near your home, then send them emails about how if they send cash to this address, they'll receive the winning ticket from the National Nigerian Lottery. Okay, no, don't do it. No, really. It was just an evil thought. Patience, grasshopper. Patience and Snopes.com.

What, you don't like these answers? Please, please feel free to offer comments on when to get new running shoes, or how to break up with an exercise partner, or spam meisters!

Ask Cranky Fitness: Weight Loss Issues

This is a lopsided Ask Cranky Fitness. Ms. Crabby is off buying garlic to scare off all her overly friendly mosquitoes. (Garlic provides a lot of healthy nutrients, plus it's also good at keeping away sparkly vampires, which can't hurt.) So if you disagree with any of the answers, direct your beef towards me, Merry.

Another anomaly is that one of these questions was actually sent in by a real reader! See if you can spot which one.



Dear Cranky Fitness,

I’m not a competitive person. I like to encourage and support my friends in their weight-loss endeavors. But I’ve got an etiquette dilemma, and maybe you can help.

Last week I ate right, slept well, and worked out more than Madonna – only to have the scale tell me I’d gained a pound. During the same week, a fiendishly cunning evil nemesis pal did no exercise at all, merely cut out wheat from her diet and ate chocolate and potato chips instead. By the end of the week, she’d lost five pounds. My question is: would it be overkill to hire a hit man to take her out? If so, I’ll exercise restraint and merely egg her house. Please advise.

signed, Jealous in Jersey

Dear JJ,

Eggs?

Bad idea. Eggs do not contain wheat. If you really want to be mean, forget the hit man and bring on the pizza delivery man. Or go on at great length about the great new pasta place that you just found. Or... you get the idea. Of course, you could just grit your teeth and congratulate her. One of these days it's going to be your turn -- do you really want to spend an afternoon trying to scrape egg residue off your house?

- Merry

Dear Cranky Fitness,

My bff and I go to a weight loss meeting each week. It’s supposed to help me stay accountable to get weighed in public and listen to people talk about their weight loss efforts. The problem is, I don’t care about anyone else’s weight loss problems; I have enough of my own. I don’t want to alienate my friend – how can I get out of this meeting without hurting her feelings?

- signed, Selfish Friend in SF

Dear SF,

I suppose this is going to sound movie-of-the-week trite, but if she's your friend, can't you talk to her? Work it up tactfully, like "Y'know, instead of going to the meeting, let's go to the gym and work out. Lots of hot sweaty guys in the gym on Monday nights."

On the other hand, maybe going to these meetings will make you a better person. Or a better friend. If they're really helpful to your friend, you might want to keep going for awhile, see if things get better. Or buy ear plugs and spend the hour fantasizing about all the guys in the gym.

- Merry

Dear Cranky Fitness,

This is a question I often get and I find it both compelling, annoying and completely frustrating as I cannot find an answer that satisfies me: How do you not realize your pants are getting tighter, see that you've gained weight on the scale, or notice that you're expanding to the size of a blimp and not just STOP right then and there? How can you put on 20, 50, 100+ pounds without first acknowledging and handling the situation?

As someone who went from a healthy weight to morbidly obese in the span of a couple years - I feel I should have a brilliant answer. i don't.

- Annabel
www.feedmeimcranky.com


Great question, Annabel!

Weight gain acts on your body like a recession on your savings account. If you sit still, inflation's going to catch up to you. Treat your body like a house with a bad mortgage and the 'balloon loan' effect will land you in an unhealthy situation. But until fatty liver or diabetes or such shows up with foreclosure papers, it's easy to ignore reality.

After the first 20, your subconscious kicks in. The average subconscious never wants to face an issue like weight gain, so the natural impulse is to distract the conscious mind with a Bright Shiny Thought or provide anodynes to dull the awareness.

If you don't like your shape, there's a tendency to wear baggy clothes anyway. Harder to face the unpalatable truth if you can find "comfortable" pants that have elastic or a drawstring rather than an unforgiving waistband that gets too tight to be comfortable. A tight waistband is a sign for the subconscious to get to work explaining the problem away.

Common rationalizations sent up from a subconscious can include:

- These pants must have shrunk in the wash.
- Must be that time of the month. (Harder to believe this if the subconscious is male or in the body of a menopausal woman, but hey, a sneaky subconscious will try anything.)
- It's not me, it's the jeans.Clothing manufacturers always mess with size labels.
- I've got too much to deal with right now. I deserve some pizza and television. I'll worry about these pants later. (Notice how the subconscious neatly blames the problem on the pants instead of the body?)


So if you've suffered from the 'balloon loan' effect, it's a sign that you have a Annoyingly Smug Subconscious. Best antidotes for an ASS dilemma are:

- Trying on swimsuits. Fluorescent lighting is a cruel but effective reality check.
- Going to a high school reunion. When you see what time and gravity have done to Suzy Cheerleader or Randy Studlington, it's harder to avoid your own reflection.
- Family reunions. Someone invariably insists on taking your photo at these things. Then they distribute the pics to everyone in the family. The odds of having a family composed 100% of people 'too polite to tell you you've gained weight' are ... well, fairly astronomical.

- Merry

Do you have any better ways to deal with sneaky weight gain, or people who attend weight loss meetings, or for that matter people who manage to lose tons of weight while eating chocolate and potato chips?

Ask Cranky Fitness: Sabotage, Husbands & Party Girls

Some blogs get so many questions from readers that they have to devote whole posts to answering their mail. Not Cranky Fitness. (At Cranky Fitness, we get emails from people who want to sell us amazing things like genuine Rolex watches and these pills that enhance body parts we don't even possess, which is a pretty neat trick in my opinion.) So we've decided we should simply assume that our readers are too shy to ask these questions, but would like us to ask the questions as well as supply the answers.

Or at least, that's our story.



Dear Cranky Fitness,

I'm really trying hard to keep my family and myself fit and healthy, but my efforts are being undermined by a certain individual, whom I shall refer to by a pseudonym to protect his identity.

Every time I decide to serve a nutritious salad and a yummy vegetarian casserole for dinner, "Hubby"(not his real name) brings home pizza or cheeseburgers. While this strikes me as far too coincidental to pass as anything but deliberate sabotage, he insists it is merely "a curious statistical anomaly." What are the odds of this "accidentally" happening Every Single Time? I'm not very good at statistical anomalies.

signed,
Frustrated English Major

Dear F.E.M.,

Either you're leaving tell-tale clues about the place like tacking a "Buy Lettuce" note to the refrigerator door, or else "Hubby" is an alien with mind-reading capabilities. Suggest in the future you bury the lettuce beneath a thin layer of cheese and serve it in a tostada shell, so that it looks to your family like they're eating something high-caloric -- until they get past that first layer. Then you can unleash a sinister laugh and insist they eat their dinner before they get dessert.

P.S. Putting the dessert somewhere in plain sight might speed this process up a bit.

--Merry


Off with his head!

Oh, okay, perhaps that's not a practical solution. At least not if you are somewhat fond of the big doof, or if you prefer not to deal with the criminal justice system.

Just as you can't physically force him to eat healthy nutritious food, he can not make you eat hamburgers and pizza. I like Merry's suggestion of stealth and trickery! But if he is not easily fooled, and is seriously unwilling to eat the healthy stuff, seems like you're stuck. Short of a marital boycott (if ya know what I mean (nudge nudge, wink wink)), you may just have to admit you're not always going to eat the same things for dinner.

If you can get him to at least openly acknowledge that he's being a stubborn ass and trying to avoid eating healthy food, you might save some money on those duplicate meals. Which can then go for extra life insurance for hubby, since he's going to be croaking a lot earlier than you are.

Here's a good rule: if you have kids, then they get to eat the healthy stuff with you in the dining room, while he has to suck down his hamburger out in the garage away from their impressionable eyes. Seems fair, right? And then he can join you all when it's time for dessert, which he doesn't get any of, because he hasn't had his vegetables. But he can sit at the table and do the requisite fatherly things like belch and ask how school is going and break up food fights.

---Crabby



Dear Cranky Fitness,

Help! During the week I am really good at staying on my diet and working out regularly. Then come Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday: two and a half days of decadent feasting, wild bacchanalian parties, and exercising only my ability to appreciate wine, men, and song.

I don't want to give up my friends or stop having fun, but I'm not losing any weight here. Shouldn't five days of being good entitle me to a couple days of fun?

Signed,
Party Girl

Dear P.G.,

The short answer to your question is: no.

--Merry

Nothing wrong with wild bacchanalian parties! I'm all for 'em. Problem is, your ratio of Virtue to Reward is out of calibration. If you are not getting results, you need to suffer a little bit more and party a bit less. Otherwise, if your weekday sacrifices aren't paying off, you might be too tempted to say "screw this stupid healthy living stuff" and stop being virtuous altogether!

You may want to try cutting back to one weekend day of "whatever," and then finding less self-indulgent ways of being social the other day. A bike ride in the park with friends on Saturday, followed by catered bacchanalian orgy on Sunday! Then you can still look forward to the weekends without totally undoing all your good behavior the rest of the week.

Plus, of the "wine, men, and song" combo, two of the three are arguably exercise! Crank up the men and the singing, and see if your results improve.

---Crabby


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I keep seeing commercials on TV for a weight loss system where they make all the food for you and send it right to your house. It looks like delicious stuff, too--meals like spaghetti and chicken and pizza and meatloaf, plus there are desserts like chocolate cake and cookies and even ice cream! Lots of people have lost a ton of weight on these programs, you should see the before and after pictures. My best friend says these programs are a scam, but what does she know, she's never tried one! I think she's just being too negative. I love her but she's always such a buzzkill.

Anyway, the only downside I can see is that the meals cost a lot of money. But isn't my health a good investment? Don't you think I should sign up right now? I can totally tell that if I had all this great food to eat I would succeed in my weight loss goals and be slim and beautiful and a rich man would ask me to marry him and so the extra credit card debt would be no big deal in the long run anyway!

But what do you guys think?

Signed,
Thinking Positive in Pawtucket!


Dear Thinking Positive,

I think you will probably do whatever you want no matter what we think because that's what people do when they ask for advice! (At least that's what I do.)

Anyway, congratulations for finding this incredible resource on TV. Isn't it amazing that all those food manufacturers who fill the grocery stores shelves with reduced-calorie foods haven't figured out their secret yet? Because surely if pre-made low cal convenience food at the grocery store was this tasty and healthy and satisfying, everyone who wanted to lose weight would be successful! Then there'd be no need to sign up for expensive programs marketed relentlessly on cable TV that force you to buy your convenience food all from one supplier for every meal for 28 days straight.

And what's even more amazing about the plan you've found, is that somehow if you get this particular kind of convenience food, with it arrives the willpower you need to eat nothing else except what's on your plan! With regular diet food, this special packet of willpower is generally not included.

We love Positive Thinkers here at Cranky Fitness! As a special offer just for you, please send us $100 now and we'll set aside $200 worth of our Cranky Fitness Miracle Weight Loss-Cupcakes© for delivery right to your doorstep... just as soon as we invent them!

---Crabby

P.S. If you want a list of rich men who are looking for debt-ridden women to marry, please send a self-addressed stamped envelope and $4,382.07 (cash only) and we'll send you the list along with the cupcakes.

-- Merry


What, you think you could come up with better answers? Enquiring minds want to know!

For that matter, if you have any questions you'd like Cranky Fitness to tackle, send them to crabbymcslacker at gmail dot com.

Sex-22, Comfort food, & Ask Cranky Fitness

Thanks to Crabby and to John-the-Designer for putting together the new template! (They both put a lot of work into it.) And I totally love the "Random" link on the sidebar. Click it and you're instantly transported back in time to a previous Cranky Fitness episode.

[Intrusive Note from the Crab.... ironically, we are having technical difficulties this morning with the random post function so I had to remove it. It's been working fine up until last night! Since I don't know how it works--I just swiped the code from a blogger help site--I have no idea why it stopped working. I really liked it too! Sorry, will check into it and try to bring it back...]

Maybe to other people this has all the fascination of looking at someone's old photos, i.e. very little, but I think it's great fun. Also, I love random things in general, which is why this post came into existence. Yes, it's Random Tuesday.

Could this be the end of Ask Cranky Fitness?

That's what's known as a cheap attempt at an attention-getting headline. Did it work?


Here's the scoop:

Turns out we've got competition in the advice department. No, I'm not talking about that woman whose name rhymes with Crabby; I'm talking about Sidetaker.com.

It's a website that lets couples give their sides of an argument. People vote on which one is right, and leave comments giving advice. Not nearly as funny as the Ask Cranky Fitness posts, in my modest opinion but they get a whole lot of people writing in. There's something for everyone.

My latest favorite (favorite irritant) is the boyfriend who wrote in complaining that because his girlfriend was overweight, he was thinking of cheating on her. Her response was that she was 10 pounds over her ideal weight. (My own response would have been 'Get lost!', but maybe this guy had hidden depths that I can't appreciate. I mean, c'mon, 10 pounds over ideal makes him want to stray? If she were only 5 pounds over the ideal weight, would he flirt only half as much with other women?)

And how much does he weigh, hmmmn?

more animals

Please don't let this site stop you from sending in a question to Ask Cranky Fitness!

Weird Science about sex and the ultimate Catch-22

There was a story in the news about a woman who had a stroke, at 35, because of having sex. Geez, not only do you have to worry about smog, global warming, trans fats, and what to do with excess squash, now sex itself can be bad for your health.

If that wasn't bad enough, there's a study out that says having sex can help men to avoid ED (which in this case does not stand for eating disorder).

But... wait a minute. If you had ED, then you wouldn't be in a position (so to speak) to use the remedy that they're advocating for your condition. You're kinda... um, well, I have to say it... screwed. I suppose what they really mean is that you should practice preventative measures just in case the problem comes up. (I swear, there are times when every phrase I can think of seems to have a double meaning. Luckily, you are all too pure and innocent to recognize any double entendres ... oh, who am I kidding.)

Are your co-workers giving you the cold shoulder?


more animals

Social isolation makes people feel physically cold, find University of Toronto psychologists Chen-Bo Zhong, PhD, and Geoffrey J. Leonardelli, PhD.

Moreover, they find that making people feel left out makes them more likely to choose hot soup or coffee over warm or room-temperature foods and beverages.

"It's striking that people preferred hot coffee and soup more when socially excluded," Leonardelli says in a news release. "Our research suggests that warm chicken soup may be a literal coping mechanism for social isolation."

Gee... comfort food is a coping mechanism? Film at 11!

Is your boyfriend acting extremely cranky? Is he on a diet?

In the Depressing News department, a low-fat diet can also be detrimental to your health. Findings suggest a link between low cholesterol and violent death. "According to Dr. Beatrice Golomb, staff physician at San Diego Veterans Affairs Medical Center in California, it is possible that low cholesterol is accompanied by a reduction in the brain chemical serotonin, which is believed to control violent behavior. 'We know that low-serotonin people are more likely to commit suicide, especially by violent means, and homicide,' explained Golomb, who also works as a research professor of psychiatry at the University of Southern California."

I don't know how much faith to put in this finding, specifically the correlation between a low-fat diet and low-cholesterol & low-serotonin levels. I mean, yes, I can see that being on either extreme of the cholesterol range can be bad for you. A diet of 100% iceberg lettuce or 100% ice cream ditto. Being on the extreme of any range carries a risk. (Especially a firing range.) Doesn't mean I'm going to stop eating that oatmeal. I think I could live healthy & happy on the lower end of the low-fat diet, so long as I'm not on the edge.

The three Cs -- Carrots, Celery, and (the occasional) Cupcake!

Besides, if someone prone to anger went on a low-fat diet, would the first sign be an urge to grab an axe and go out looking for someone to harm? I would think that a person would first start with feelings of slight irritation, mild anger, moderate anger, working up to intense fury. This doesn't seem to me to be a reason to avoid low-fat diets. It seems like Yet Another Reason to practice that moderation stuff, the low-fat-with-the-occasional-treat diet.

Please tell me if you think differently about this. Or if you are on the side of the boyfriend of the woman who's 10 pounds overweight. Or if you have problems with the idea of cliff-hanging headlines. Or frankly, anything else. I promise, no cold shoulder.

Ask Cranky Fitness: Soccer Moms & Annoying Teenagers

[By Merry]

Dear Cranky Fitness,

Now that I've finally gotten the little rug rats back in school, I thought I'd have time to exercise. (For some reason, chasing after them all summer didn't do anything for my aerobic conditioning.) But somehow in addition to working all day, I've gotten locked into the job of unpaid chauffeuse: to school, from school, soccer practice for Becky and football training for Ezekiel, everyone's going to different schools at different times, and there's no time for me to get some exercise. Would my kids disown me if I joined in their after-school programs? At this rate I'm going to need something larger than just a mini-van.

Signed,
Ever-Expanding Mom

Dear E-E M,

We hear your pain. Don't have to deal with rug rats ourselves, but it sure does sound problematic.

However, having gone through a few biology classes, it is possible to deduce that there might be another parent around who could help ferry the little ones to their after-school activities. Can you trade off? Failing that, are there other expanding moms who would be willing to create a carpool? Yes, of course you want to be there to watch the practice, but is it so very selfish to also want a little time for your own workout? I think not. If it takes a village to raise a child, why shouldn't it take a carpool to deal with soccer practice?


Dear Cranky Fitness,

Help! I'm at my wits' end. I know this question doesn't have much to do with fitness, but mental health is important too, and I'm about ready to lose it. My eldest boy is just hitting the teenage years, and he's a slob. His bedroom could be certified as a danger to public health by any sane health inspector. Nothing I do seems to make an impression, short of going in there and cleaning it myself. I'm not sure I can survive until he leaves for college. What can I do?

signed,
Mom in Chaos

Dear M.i.C.,

Invite girls over. - Merry
Oh right, like that's not going to cause other problems. - Crabby.
What? She isn't asking about other problems. Maybe having to chase girls away from the house will make her appreciate a son who has questionable home decorating skills. - Merry
Are you trying to get us sued? - Crabby

[ahem]
Dear M.i.C., our advice is that you try bribery bartering. For every square foot of floor that you can see in his room, he gets to spend one hour using his computer. Put a basketball hoop above the laundry basket and encourage him to dunk his laundry. Any science projects (strange fungi growing in coffee cups, etc.) must have written authorization by a biology teacher or he can't borrow the car on Saturday night.


Does anyone have any questions to which we might be able to give helpful insightful um... original answers? Or is there someone out there who's had to deal with problems like these and has good, helpful, or at least more plausible answers to give?

Ask Cranky Fitness: The Dog Days & Gym Reality

[By Merry]
Dear Cranky Fitness,

My exercise partner has lost interest. Every time I bring my leash over and wag my tail, she makes some feeble excuse about needing caffeine, a nap, or something called "catching up on my email." I don't want to trade her in for a newer model; it took long enough to get this human trained. How can I convince her to get out in the fresh air with me more often?

signed,
Woman's Best Exercise Partner

Dear Partner,

Clearly some work needs to be done. Have you tried making sure your e.p. doesn't spend her evenings out carousing with other humans instead of turning around three times and lying down at a reasonable hour? In the morning, accidentally wagging the tail a bit too enthusiastically when she's sipping the last drop of coffee in the house might result in a quick sprint to a Starbucks.

Dear Cranky Fitness,

Could you possibly loan me a few million dollars? I could lose weight so easily if I could concentrate on cooking healthy meals and working out 13 hours a day like a super-celebrity. As it is, I have to go to work five days a week, and I come home tired, grumpy, and ready for a Happy Meal in front of the T.V. In the interest of fitness, could I borrow some $? Failing that, got any better ideas?

signed,
I. B. Draggin

Dear I.B.,

No problem! Would you take a check? Hope you don't mind that it's post-dated to January 2024.* (We have to go out and write the best-selling Cranky Fitness Code first. And find a publisher. And bribe Dan Brown so he doesn't sue us for plagiarism. Details.)
While we're waiting for the check to clear, have you considered cooking food on the weekend and storing it in cute little containers? This would also encourage you to bring food from home, which saves you from the urge to splurge on Scottish cuisine. Saving money on food will help you pay the bill for your gym membership. Trust us, sitting on the couch watching reality shows is nothing compared to going to the gym and watching reality.

___________________________________________________
What would you do if you had a recalcitrant exercise partner or an addiction to junk food and T.V.?

*We've been informed by the Cranky Fitness Legal Department that post-dating a check doesn't stop the bank from cashing it anyway. Hope you don't mind if we just move the decimal point on that check over a bit. (No, in the other direction.)


Have a health or fitness question? Then send it to CrabbyMcSlacker at gmail dot com and we'll do our best to provide an answer. (Not necessarily a 'good' answer, but certainly an original one.)

Ask Cranky Fitness: muscles, sex, and weight loss

[By Crabby and Merry]

No Way! There's Actually Something Inside?

This is a special edition of Ask Cranky Fitness. Why is it special? Because it features Three Real-Life Reader Questions! These were sent in by actual blog readers, as opposed to imaginary blog readers, who are much more likely to seek our advice.

Note: if you decide to send in a question to Cranky Fitness, be warned: our answers will probably not be helpful. We are not experts. If you have an important question, ask your Doctor or Mental Health Professional. However, if you do have a question and don't care if we inadvertently make fun of you while answering it, feel free to send it in. Because sometimes the folks in the comments section have some really good advice.


Dear Cranky Fitness,

If I'm strength training two days a week on Monday and Friday, do you think that's enough to see results or do you think the days need to be closer together, say Monday and Wednesday? Do I need to add an additional day as well?

The reason I ask: I HATE strength training by myself. Usually, I wimp out and thus never reap the benefits. There's a great strength training class at my gym, but I can only make the Monday and Friday morning classes. Am I wasting my time?

Sincerely,
Muscle Obsessed from the Midwest


Dear Muscle Obsessed,
If you are at the gym lifting heavy things, that's never a waste of time! Especially when you could be home lifting jelly donuts or cheeseburgers and devouring them instead of working out.

However, in my experience, you have to balance out the Loathsomeness of weight training with its Effectiveness. For me, personally, two times a week is enough to maintain strength gains, but I need to go more like 3 times a week for a while to build strength in the first place. My personal weight training plan: an endless cycle of Ambitious Building followed by Inevitable Slacking--at least until the smart scientists invent a muscle-creating pill. Or better yet, a muscle-creating cookie.

If you're building muscle and gaining strength with two times a week and a class you really enjoy, then hooray for you, that's good enough! But if you're stuck and not getting results, it may be time to venture beyond the safety and comfort of your class and add some solo workouts. I'd suggest getting the help of a Friendly Personal Trainer for your first few times, so you can learn all the equipment and discover that many of the Intimidating Gym Rats aren't even actually doing it right.

Good luck with those muscles!

---Crabby

Dear Muscle Obsessed,

I could just hear the enthusiasm when you mentioned that great class on Mondays and Fridays. Is there some other way to generate enthusiasm like that about weight lifting? Like using a Friendly Personal Trainer, as Crabby suggests, but make it an F.P.T. who is reeeeeally cute. Or is there a friend, maybe someone from that great class, whom you can persuade to join you on Wednesdays? If all else fails, set a goal that you want to achieve, such as lifting XXX amount before June. Tell your most sarcastic and critical in-laws co-workers what you're planning to achieve. I mean, hell, you don't want them snickering come June, do you? Fear of ridicule is not the nicest means of self-motivation, but you're going to feel really good about yourself when you make the goal!

-- Merry

Dear Cranky Fitness,

I'm hoping that you can offer some advice on the dreaded, and age old topic of Male/Female interaction at the gym. I go to the gym everyday, usually at the same time of day, and I see the same people over and over again when I am there. In particular, I see a woman, and she is, as the saying goes 'a slammin' hottie'.

Now, I know all about the taboos associated with health club chat ups. I get it, completely. No one goes to the gym to get hit on, and if you try it, you are likely to get branded as 'THAT GUY'. No one wants to be "THAT GUY". To avoid it, I usually pretend that the hot women in my gym don't exist.

Slammin Hottie and I have never spoken, however, for about two weeks, when working out, we have been having some serious eyeball foreplay. Lots of coy smiles, nods, and bedroom eyes. Is this enough to break protocol and make an approach? And how do you talk to someone without being interruptive?

Should I just forget it? Or is there a way to make a move and not look like a douche?

Many thanks,
Gym Guy


Dear Gym Guy,

Congratulations for picking a topic, "Flirtation Etiquette for Attractive Heterosexual Gym-Goers" on which I am spectacularly unqualified to comment! Yet I can't help but offer a few thoughts. Just ignore the fact I have no idea what I'm talking about.

First off, you get Extra Credit for even realizing there's an issue of appropriateness. Many women, whether Slammin' Hotties or not, report plenty of Clueless Approaches by guys who never consider that their advances might not be welcome--or who do consider the possibility but don't give a crap.

As you suspect, approaching her while she's rocking out to her iPod and in the middle of doing something strenuous is probably a mistake. While startling her and causing her to tumble off the treadmill or drop a barbell on your head might make a great "meet cute" scene in a movie, it real life it might kinda suck for you both.

My guess--straight girls, please help me out here--is that guys are still kind of expected to make the first move, and I don't know that a single woman would be horrified to be approached at her gym in a friendly, non-sleazy way by a guy who seems nice if she's not in the middle of something.

Suggestion: innocuous questions like: "Do you know if the gym's open on Easter?" might work somewhat better than "Wow, you're a slammin' hottie! Want to take a ride on my elliptical tonight?"

And do keep in mind that if she shoots you down, you've now turned your daily workout space into a Ongoing Rejection Reminder. Especially if you strike out but some Really Douchey Gym Dude swoops in and scores. So you may want to think hard about whether Slammin' Hottie is worth risking gym peace of mind for.

---Crabby

Dear Gym Guy,

Speaking from the Heterosexual corner, my best advice would be to try the Zen approach. No, I don't mean contemplate your navel, or hers either (at least, not obviously). Is there some Middle Path between being polite-but-distant and totally hitting on her? Can you, in short, get to know her in the non-Biblical sense of the word?

Small talk can be helpful here. Try asking her a question as she finishes her workout or while she's waiting to use some equipment. If she's listening to tunes, ask her about what music she likes to work out to. However, if she happens to mention casually that her iPod was a gift from her professional-football-playing boyfriend, take this as A Sign and stick to being a gym buddy. Whatever you do, don't come on too strong right away. You don't want to come across as an arrogant jerk or as a Nice Guy™. Take the Middle Path, grasshopper.

-- Merry


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I want to lose 60 pounds. It's the same 60 pounds that I have lost and regained 3 times in the past 10 years. Obviously, I need more than just diet and exercise...I need some of that--what do you call it?--behavior modification (or maybe just to have my frontal lobe removed!)

Anyway, my question for you is this: how do I do this? Do you have any suggestions? I've been looking into the weight management center at the University of XXXXXX, but it's not cheap and I'm not really sure how I'd do it when it's a XXX hour drive, round trip. Maybe I'm searching for a needle in a haystack. I know when it really comes down to it, I'm the only one who can help me.....I just need a shove or something! I just turned 40 and I really don't like myself a whole lot at the moment! Anyway, any advice or suggestions would be appreciated!

--Looking for Help


Dear Looking,

First off, if you have managed to lose 60 lbs three different times you are a very strong, very determined person with lots of willpower! You should be proud of yourself for these accomplishments, even if you find yourself struggling again. It's HARD to keep weight off, and the fact that you have the courage to try this again says a lot about your strength of character. Good for you for not giving up.

I'm hoping folks might help out in the comments section with more specific advice and encouragement. I suspect there are lots of people who can relate.

I'm not sure about the particular behavioral weight loss program; you're probably best off talking to people who've been through it. There are some good Cognitive Behavioral self-help books out there you might want to try--Judith Beck's The Beck Diet Solution is one I hear good things about.

Just generally, I'm guessing you've probably heard most of the standard advice already: take it gradually, limit portions but don't starve yourself, exercise, write things down, confront self-defeating thoughts, eat healthy nutritious food, seek social support, etc. I'd just add this:

Don't be too hard on yourself! I suspect there's some perfectionism/fear of failure lying behind your relapses, and trying to do your best each day and sticking with it is way more important than having "perfect" days.

And, if emotional issues or depression or low self-esteem are contributing to your weight issues (also really common and nothing to be ashamed of) counseling can really help. Often universities with counseling programs have interns who don't charge too much.

Good luck, and again, be proud of yourself for not giving up!

---Crabby

Dear Looking,

Oh, give up already.

There. Didn't that feel good? Well, it felt good for the moment. At least, it felt good when I did it. The problem is that I always have to face the fact that I'll need to get up and keep going after I give up.

I'm in the position here that Crabby was in the hetero-dating question. I am not pleased with my current shape at all, having completely slacked off over the winter. All I know to do is a) learn to like myself as I am now (not the shape, the person), b)exercise every day, no excuses, c) eat five servings of those damn green leafy things before I eat anything that tastes good.

Once, when I was wandering through blogland, I happened upon Pasta Queen's blog Half of Me. Being eager to avoid cleaning my house increase my knowledge, I read through the archives that chronicle her attempt to lose 200 pounds. She had several false starts when she first began blogging. But as I read further, I got to the point where I felt sure she was going to make her goal. At one point, she mused that she was more interested in the running and other activities, than in losing weight. I wanted to stand up and cheer when I read that, because that made it certain that she wasn't going to give up. The point should not be to lose weight, the point should be to enjoy life, damn it.

Oh -- sorry, I got so caught up in lecturing myself, I forgot where I was. I'm going to get off this soap box now; it's rather rickety. All I can say is that people have managed to lose that much weight and keep it off. Keep going!

- Merry

Ask Cranky Fitness: Winter Blues and Swimsuit Snark

[Written by Merry and Crabby.]


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I’m soooo bored with winter! I am tired of indoor workouts but I don’t want to freeze outdoors. What can I do? How can I get my motivation back?

Signed, Dreary in Dayton

Dear DiD,

Dreary winter days
Grey skies stretch to March at least
Work out anyway.

(What? Crabby, why are you looking at me that way? Sheesh, I try to add a little culture to this blog, just one innocent haiku, and I get weird looks. Hmph.)

Anyway, a couple of thoughts:

• Motivation is a summer creature; it flies south for the winter and doesn’t return until spring. Unless you’re in Australia, where it flies north for the winter, but let’s not go there. Actually, we probably should go there; Australia is warm right now, better suited to exercising. But if that’s not in the budget, my best advice is to fake it till you make it. Find a new workout companion, join a new class at the Y, take up aerobic whining for a couple of months. We’re almost there. You can make it.
• Is it just the exercising that’s boooooring, or is it the weather, the traffic, work stress, etc.? If you need to lift your mood in general, exercise is the cure not the problem. Another way to alleviate the winter blahs – try something creative. You may not be the world’s best artist, but even so drawing or playing music or dancing will access areas on the right-side of the brain that don’t normally get a workout in our practical, left-brained society, and this can be immensely satisfying.

--Merry


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I'm 19 years old and thin and gorgeous and hot. I have really rich parents, a bunch of cute boyfriends, a brand new BMW and I don't even need to go to college 'cause my Daddy got me this awesome job at his recording studio. Everyone wishes they were me.

Anyway, I keep hearing all this stuff about exercise and sleep and antioxidants and I have to laugh. I can eat anything I want and I look great! I can party all night and drink and smoke and snort pretty much anything I want and the next day, I'm still like, beautiful and thin and awesome! (Just a little sleepy).

My question is: Why should I eat gross vegetables and do boring exercises when it's no fun? Sweat is smelly and icky. And everyone knows smokers are way hipper than non-smokers, so why should I quit? Oh, and treadmills and yogurt and vegetables--those are just for the ugly fat people, right? Sexy people are perfect just the way we are.

So no offense but your advice, like, totally sucks.

Signed, Hollywood Hottie


Dear Hottie,

Oh gosh, my mistake. You are so right!

Sorry for all the previous advice I've given about health and fitness: I should have made it clear I didn't mean you.

Of course young, naturally slim, sexy people don't have to play by the same rules. Everyone knows you're special!

So don't worry! Enjoy yourself: party all night, eat crap all day, smoke, skip the sticky sunscreen, take lots of fun drugs, don't educate yourself, let Daddy and Mommy take care of everything that's difficult, and check back in about twenty or thirty years and tell us how you're doing in life! We'll be really curious.

Sorry again for the mistake.

--Crabby


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I’m always trying to eat healthy foods, but I share an office with coworkers who are addicted to Scottish cuisine, i.e. they bring back McDonald’s every day. One woman in particular is always ribbing me for eating “rabbit food.” The worst part is, she’s thin and never seem to gain weight.

Is there some snappy response I can make when she starts making fun of me?

Signed, Watership Down

Dear WD,

Some possible responses you could try:

a)“Yes, this is rabbit food, very funny ha ha” (and keep right on munching). Agreeing with someone is a great way to take the wind out of their sails. If they’re expecting an argument then it throws them off balance, which is entertaining to watch. Even if they feel the need to repeat themselves a few more times trying to needle you, just smile and nod and get on with your own life.

b)If you want to take the low road and be mean, start talking about how swimsuit season is coming up, and you’re planning on buying a smaller size this year. Ask her if she’s planning to go to the beach this summer. If she says yes, hesitate in a meaningful, significant fashion, as if you really wanted to say something, then change the topic to something innocuous. This will sow the seeds of doubt in even the most confident woman’s mind. (No woman is ever 100% confident about how she looks in a swimsuit.)

c)You could take the neutral road and not react at all. Tell her the subject has been thoroughly discussed and there’s really nothing more to add to the topic. Less entertaining than being mean, but probably more practical if you have to work with the woman on a daily basis.

--Merry


Dear Cranky Fitness,

So what the hell happened to Random Friday? Where are the contradictory studies and the links that have nothing to do with health and fitness even though you pretend they do? Where are the animals exercising? Random Friday wasn't all that great but now that it's not here I miss it!

Signed, Miffed in Minneapolis


Dear Miffed,

Random Friday is not gone forever. Crabby has just been a bit busy of late taking care of her elderly mother-in-law still trying to decide between Revere Pewter or Coventry Gray for the P-town living room. She she fully intends to bring Random Friday back. Perhaps not every Friday but a least on a somewhat regular basis.

Fortunately, Merry, who has been saving Crabby's lazy ass all week, has an emergency Random-Fridayish contribution in the Animal Exercise department! (It's an ad, but not an annoying one).





Have any questions, concerns, or general irritations that you’d like to see Merry or Crabby address on Cranky Fitness so we can stop making so much of this sh*t up? Send them on the back of a $20 bill to crabbymcslacker at gmail dot com.

And have a great Friday!

Ask Cranky Fitness

[Written by Mary (mostly) and Crabby.]



Welcome to the second installment of Ask Cranky Fitness. And guess what--this time, we actually received a real reader question!

Oh, wait... um, those other questions? Sure, they're real too! But in a different, more virtual sort of way. Let's just say this first question is even realer than real. It's a follow-up from last week's discussion about exercising in winter.

(Note: some editing of reader questions may occur, and hard questions or those requiring serious answers may be ignored entirely. However, it is not the policy of Cranky Fitness to be malicious about editing your questions for our own amusement. If you write "what can I do about my skin itching when it's too dry?" it will not appear as "my ass itches all the time, help!" That just wouldn't be nice).

Anyway, first (really real) question:

Dear Cranky Fitness,
I live in Minnesota where it is very, very cold. My problem is with my iPod. It is my best friend and closest companion when it comes to exercise, and it just can't take the cold! If I do not put it in an internal pocket, or inside my mitten, it freezes.

The obvious solution is to just put it in the pocket of my long underwear, but then I can't fiddle with it, and I can't keep the stopwatch function visible. Also, I wear mittens while running, and I don't want to have to stop running, take off my mittens, and fiddle in my underwear every time I want to change music or check the time! What do I do?

Oh, and I have tried using my watch for its timing function, but that's also a pain, because then I have to slide up my jacket and down my mitten and hit the indiglo button with my other mittened hand, and the whole process just annoys the heck out of me!
- Musicless in Minnesota

Dear Musicless,
What a dilemma! Flinging off your mittens and digging your hands down into your underwear while running could indeed be awkward--and could subject you to the snickering of uncouth bystanders!

Crabby hopes there are Smart Readers around who have dealt with this problem, or that Mary has a solution, because she has never had to personally deal with a Tunesicle. She can offer one high tech solution to seeing your time displayed more easily while running--problem is, you have to wait until 2009 and pay a lot of Euros for it. Perhaps you could tweak your playlists enough that your iPod could be listened to from the warm cozy comfort of your underwear without any additional fiddling. And then you could buy an ugly sports watch made for a Humongous Male Wrists that you could strap outside your jacket to clock yourself.
Good luck! (brrr)
-Crabby

Dear Musicless,
I think you're in an excellent position to start a whole new fashion trend: transparent running clothes.* If you had a windproof see-through jacket, you wouldn't need to slide the sleeve up to see your watch. I tried to include some useful links to transparent clothing, but apparently the people out there in Blog Land had a whole different idea about which articles of clothing should be see-through.

Also, I've got the tireless unpaid grad students research workers at CF testing ways of keeping iPods in plastic baggies and manipulating them with Q-Tips punched through a very small hole in the baggy.

Ditto on the good luck!
- Mary

*Except, of course, in places such as Providence, Rhode Island, where transparent clothing is illegal.
______________________________________________

Dear Cranky Fitness,
I know I should go to the gym to work out, but I hate having people look at me while I’m exercising. I’m hot, sweating, red-faced… it’s not pretty. It feels like everyone is looking at me. Do you have to be a Muslim to wear those full-body-scarf things? For that matter, do you have to be female?
- Man with a paper bag over his head

Dear Man,
You think people at the gym are going to notice if you’re red-faced and sweaty? What do you think they look like? And there are more embarrassing things than being sweaty at a gym.
- Mary

Dear Man,
Crabby would just like to add that a man who is too self-conscious about his own appearance to be staring at the breasts of the women jogging on the treadmills or flying around on the ellipticals would be quite welcome at most local gyms.
- Crabby
______________________________________________

Dear Cranky Fitness,
I really want to be fit, but I also want to keep out of the unemployment line. My job requires me to sit at a computer 10 or 12 hours a day. What can I do?
- Grammar Geek


Dear GG,
Do you have high cubicle walls at your work? Or do you want to entertain your co-workers? If so, you could try taking 10 minute breaks every couple of hours to stretch and do lunges or situps. You need to take a lunch break, you know that, so why not spend 15 minutes or so taking a quick walk around the block? Cranky Fitness can enthusiastically recommend investing in an iPod, to make this more fun. (Note: authors do not have any stock in Apple, Inc., much to their regret.) Best advice of all, find a like-minded friend who would walk with you at lunch. What, you don’t have any friends at work? Then go for the iPod -- it's very friendly.
- Mary

Dear GG,
Imaginary friends are good too! If you exercise with them and shout out encouragement and all laugh together your walk or jumping jacks or whatever, your workout time will go by so quickly you'll hardly mind. Plus, then you will have fewer "real" friends stopping by your cube and bothering you during work and you can go home earlier.
- Crabby

____________________________________________________________

Dear Cranky Fitness,
My boyfriend wants me to go bicycling with him. The trouble is, we live in a very hilly area, and he’s so fit that he regularly cycles 500 miles a week. My idea of a good bicycle ride is one that’s all downhill. What shall I do?
- Worried in Woodside

Dear WinW,
Have you considered one of these bicycles? You can pretend to pedal, and keep up a cheery conversation to cover the sound of the motor. Or, you could load the bikes into his car, drive to the top of the ridge, and cruise downhill to your car at the base of the ridge.

If you really don’t want to go cycling with him at all, but don’t want to hurt his feelings by a direct refusal, why not take the opportunity of a bike ride to talk about your relationship? It’s a safe bet his enthusiasm for doing sports with you will find another outlet.
- Mary

Dear Worried,
Crabby wholeheartedly seconds Mary's last suggestion. A five minute warm-up followed by a simple "honey, we need to talk," repeated for one or two sessions should do the trick.
- Crabby


Clever readers, of course, may have much more helpful advice on all these questions!

Ask Cranky Fitness

[Written by Mary. But then Crabby came in and messed with it.]

We Get Letters! Well, No, Actually, We Don't.

You have questions.

Cranky Fitness has answers.

Not necessarily the right answers, but let's not be fussy about it. (Talk to a licensed medical professional if you want to pay a bunch of money receive legitimate medical or psychological advice).

But first, a bit of Exciting Blog Background!

Long, long ago (on her second day of blogging, actually) Crabby tried to start an Advice Column called Dear Crabby. (Because it rhymed with Dear Abbby--get it?) The column ran exactly one post, then Crabby forgot completely about it.

Then Along Comes Mary (which is also the title of a song that was totally not about marijuana), and what is one of her very first suggestions? An Advice Column! Unlike Crabby, however, Mary actually did something about it, and wrote some stuff. We like that about her.

Anyway, Crabby will join in the fun eventually, because it's easier than writing her own posts. But for now, she'll leave Ask Cranky Fitness in Mary's capable hands.

And what if you find you have an actual question for the authors of Cranky Fitness? Go ahead and send it! We'll probably just ignore it though, unless it's the sort of question we can respond to in a silly fashion. We promise to be totally arbitrary and capricious in choosing questions to answer.

Anyway, take all advice with a grain of salt and maybe a shot of tequila.

Dear Cranky Fitness,

I've read about all these people who go running with their dogs, and how it's much more fun when you have a furry companion. My dog is only interested in sniffing the bushes and saying hello to the lady dogs he meets. What should I do?
- signed Bemused with Bowser

Dear BwB,

First of all, the Cranky Fitness organization wishes to be pointlessly intrusive and suggest that you have Bowser fixed. It might help with his urge to flirt. Secondly, is your pooch the right breed for a long run? Some breeds, such as bulldogs, aren't suitable running companions. If you've got a breed like a retriever, which can go for runs, take heart. They can be trained to run by your side, given time and patience. In an effort to help those who don't believe in patience, tireless scientists in white coats that tie in the back here at Cranky Fitness are doing research into a Rent-a-Squirrel(TM) apparatus, which you can dangle in front of your dog to keep him running. Until then, if you really want to run with a furry companion, and Rover is proving recalcitrant, try jogging in remote redwood forests.


Dear Cranky Fitness,

When is it too cold to exercise outdoors? I really hate the thought of using a treadmill when I could be out in the fresh air.

- signed, Fresh Air Fiend

Dear F.A.F.

The fine folks at C.F. base their estimate of "too cold" on California/Oregon temperatures and their own Sensitive Internal Thermometers. Anything below 55 degrees Fahrenheit and we're thinking dog sleds and Eskimos. For people in less friendly climes, here's an article that might prove helpful. We especially like the instruction to "think of yourself as a triple-layer chocolate cake." Any advice that involves chocolate cake can't be all bad.

So, clever readers, any thoughts about Advice Columns? Exercising with Animals or in the Freezing Cold? Or is there anything else on your minds? Tell us all about it!