Road Trip: Sacrificing For Science

[By Crabby]

So it would be nice to pretend that for the last ten days or so, I've been getting almost no exercise and eating like crap on purpose. Can we make believe it was really a scientific study? Could I impress you with my dedication to the cause of health and fitness research?

We could say I've been undertaking an intense immersive examination of the psychological and physiological impact of behaving like an ordinary American for a week or two. I'm a regular anthropologist, like Jane Goodall--just without the chimps and the cute jungle khakis and the pith helmet. (Actually, I'm more like the guy who ate nothing but McDonalds for months til he almost died, but I loved the Jane Goodall documentaries I watched back in fifth grade. Do they still show those in schools?)

Anyway, the whole "undergoing hardship for the sake of science" thing is obviously bullsh*t. Really, this last ten days was just an unusually extreme and pathetic variation of what I normally do when on the road: I start off pretty good, then as the challenges of maintaining my normal routine start seeming like more of a pain in the ass, I start to slack. I eat stupider stuff and work out less until by the end, I'm a total disgusting slothful junk-food scarfing machine. But then I'm home.

This time, I gave up on my normal healthy routine about two hours in, said WTF, I'm just not in Virtuous Traveler mode this trip. Screw it. Other people are ordering cheeseburgers-- I'm having one too! And a gym day pass for $20? WTF? That's too much money. Oh, there's nothing healthy on this menu but they do offer chocolate cake for dessert? Sure, that sounds good...

Why was I so rebellious this time? I'm not sure, and I'm not worrying about it too much. One nice thing about doing the mostly-healthy-lifestyle thing for decades, is, I have extensive history with it. I know that I will rebel at times and that I will always get back on track.

The nice thing about this self-knowledge is that I can skip right over the "guilt" phase of the cycle and go straight to the "repent and reform" part. Which is not all that hard after a week or two of eating crap--it becomes way less attractive to me if I wallow in it for a while. Greasy cheeseburgers seem less of a treat after you've had them a couple days in a row.

The most interesting thing this time was discovering how much of the research I read about healthy eating and exercise is actually true! I don't think I'd gone off track for long enough before to really notice the difference.

It's one thing to read that you have more energy, sleep better, feel happier, ache less, and are less stressed if you eat right and exercise. But wow--there's nothing like a bunch of white flour and sugar and saturated fats and missed workouts to prove the point.

So today junk food goes back to being an occasional splurge, not a staple. Stretching and cardio and strengthening are back on the agenda. It was fun to walk on the wild side with the other chimps, but... I want my regular routine back now! I want to feel healthy and energetic and normal again. I feel like, oh my goodness... some vegetables and whole grains and non-hamburger based protein!

So does anyone else go a little crazy when they travel? And if so, how do you handle to the return to real life?

The worst brings out the best in us

[By Merry]
The good news is, the worst is over.

No, I'm not talking about Madonna's fashion sense. A psychologist from Cardiff University says January 24 was the Worst Day of the Year, when people were the most miserable. He even has a formula to prove it: 1/8W+(D-d) 3/8xTQ MxNA.
W: Weather
D: Debt
d: Money due in January pay
T: Time since Christmas
Q: Time since failed quit attempt
M: General motivational levels
NA: The need to take action

Anything with that many variables makes me suspicious (okay, and confused). There are so many factors, I don't see how you can predict their interaction with any degree of reliability, no matter how many diplomas you have.

I think this study was memorable because humans like imagining the worst. It tends to bring out the best in us. In Oregon, they celebrate bad weather by hosting the Worst Day of the Year Ride. This bicycle ride has gotten so popular that they had to cap the number of people who signed up.

Another example is the Coney Island Polar Bear Club, whose members swim every Sunday from October to April. In New York. Sounds insane to me, but they're all smiling in the picture.

Is the human race schizophrenic or what? One the one hand here's a large part of the population huddled by the heater whining about how lousy it is outside, and then there are these fanatics really enthused people deliberately going out into the coldest, most miserable weather -- and enjoying themselves! They positively embrace the fact that it's awful, instead of whining about it as any normal red-blooded human would do.

I envy them even while feeling irritated. I mean, they make the rest of us look bad. I think the most annoying part is -- well, you know how you felt when you got up crack o'dawn to go exercise or do something virtuous like that? You remember how good you felt afterwards, maybe even a little smug about the people who didn't get off their tuckuses and work out first thing? That's how I imagine these people feel. I don't want people feeling smug around me; it makes me feel inadequate.

Probably there's no way to stop feeling this way except to join the Dark Side myself, i.e. go out in the worst weather to exercise. I'm curious: does anyone know if there are more of these extreme weather workouts around? Do people like them because it's a chance to exercise outdoors and experience the excitement of a race with other people despite the inclement weather?

Or maybe it's just that we're attracted to the bizarre. There's one marathon, the Moonwalk, that takes place in Scotland, among other locations. It begins at midnight, and everyone participating wears a pink bra. (Presumably a pink sports bra, but you never know.) I like the idea of making exercise fun, but I don't know if I'm ready for that one yet. Because it's a marathon, yeah, that's the reason.

Besides, Madonna will probably be there. She's already got the perfect outfit.

The Flat-Belly Diet

[By Crabby]

Flat bellies. So, ya want one?

According to the folks at Prevention Magazine, it's pretty easy to own one of your very own. They've even got a picture of four ecstatic women cheering about their incredible results. (They all look far too happy, in my opinion, considering they're clad in work clothes, complete with stern-looking high-heeled pumps. Being a jeans and T-shirt person myself, this photographic evidence seems suspicious).

But lets say that even if they're only fake-happy, their results are real. From what I can tell without shelling out any money, here's what you need to do to lose the fat belly:

1. Don't get too stressed (stress=cortisol=belly-fat);

2. Eat lots of monounsaturated fats. (The magazine uses the acronym "MUFA," which doesn't sound very slimming, does it? They need to work on that.)

Where do you find MUFA's? Well, this part is good:

• Nuts and Seeds;
• Safflower, Olive, Flax, and Canola Oils;
• Avocados;
• Dark Chocolate.

3. Oh, and um, to lose weight, limit your calories to 1600 a day.

For an informative magazine, Prevention makes some annoyingly optimistic claims about this diet: "No Exercise Required," "Never Go Hungry" and "Slim Your Mid-section Almost Automatically" are just some of them. But Prevention often does that--they seem to have a sleazy product-promotion division dedicated to subverting the magazine's credibility (which is otherwise perfectly good) by over-hyping various get-slim-quick approaches. If you subscribe to the magazine, they stick these weird pamphlets in there sometimes and you wonder what the heck they're thinking.

But, that doesn't mean the diet is totally lame either.

Given that (a) less stress is good and (b) monounsaturated fats are satisfying and healthy, this may not be a bad idea. There seems to be some actual research behind it (which I should chase down and take a look at some point rather than just guessing about it).

So sure, more chocolate and avocados and olive oil, please!

As it happens, I've been pretty much accidentally on this diet for the past few years, (except for yucky 1600 calorie part). I've been reading forever about how healthy monounsaturated fats are, so I eat a lot of them. Coincidentally (or not)--I have less belly fat than I used to.

But this is one of about 800 nutritional and fitness recommendations I've incorporated into my diet and lifestyle over the last couple decades, so who knows if it's the MUFA's or the intervals or the whole grains or the broccoli or the bench presses that are helping with the belly fat.

Another caveat: even healthy fats have lots of calories--and I still need to have room left for things like protein and vegetables and whole grains and cupcakes. Yet I don't want to run ten miles every morning to fit it all in.

In general, I hate "simple solution" diets. They almost always turn out to be only partly right. Nutrition and weight loss are rarely simple.

But heck, if you're not getting many MUFA's now and have some bellyfat you'd like to evict, it could be worth a try.

Note: If it works, please send in your ecstatic picture (high-heels optional) and we'll we'll re-market the whole thing as the Cranky Fitness No-Belly diet. We'll throw in some high-MUFA cupcakes and cookies and brownies (which we'll sell for $5 each), and we'll all make a fortune!

So what do you all think about Flat-Belly or other "It's Simple!" diets? Worth a try?

Random Friday

Stop Grinning & Get to Work!

[By Crabby]

So yep, it's that time of the week again...

Happiness: Hey, Go Easy There, Will Ya?
A new study found that people who rate themselves as moderately happy actually tend to be more successful and have higher incomes than those who give themselves ten out of ten on the happiness scale. But insanely enough, most of the reports about this study (including the press release) take this to mean: don't try to be too happy. God forbid you should be less successful or have a lower income, and settle for silly old happiness instead!

As I've said before, I think self-measures of happiness are bogus. Many people who rate themselves 10/10 are not rating their actual happiness--they're just demonstrating their tendency towards social conformity and black & white thinking. I'm not surprised 10's are not as successful as the more realistic 8's or 9's. But I don't think it's because 10's are actually happier. (Note: I'd take absolute delirious happiness over "success" any day).

More Reasons to Exercise:
Yeah, there's a new study like this every week saying you're screwed, health-wise, if you don't exercise. This one's especially interesting though, because it says that people who don't exercise have shorter telomeres in their dna. (Note: shorter telomeres are a bad thing--they're sort of a shorthand for our biological age. When telomeres get too short, cells can't divide anymore).

Another odd finding though, was that exercise only helps when it's leisure time exercise, as opposed to hard manual labor. The theory is that psychological stress plays into cell aging as well. (Just don't tell the hotel maids about this, okay?)

Department of Duh:
According to a recent news story, lots of people think meat is a good source of fiber. The National Fiber Council (there is one? Really?) says that 62 percent of people surveyed think meat is a source of fiber. Not coincidentally, "sixty-five percent of respondents said they try to eat foods that are high in fiber." (via That'sfit).

Bring On the Googlers, It's Another Breast Item!
As many other female bloggers have no doubt discovered, all you have to do is mention the word "breasts" in a post to lure hordes of mammary-seeking males over to your site. ("Big Bouncy Breasts") works even better. So, hi guys! (And, um, sorry. False alarm. No naked flesh here; try again later, when hell freezes over).

Anyway, this strange breast item was stolen from is courtesy of Marijke. She found a new study that links increased diabetes risk to larger breast sizes. So at least for certain health risks, it's no longer "the bigger the better the tighter the sweater." (Am I the only one old enough to remember "we must, we must, we must improve our bust?")

Speaking of Marijke, check out this great new food-hurling utensil she just found for us, the zing!

And to make this 3 Marijke-related items in a row... want to help out her at her great new blog, Help My Hurt? There's some sort of February comment contest going on at her blog network, so if you've been meaning to stop by and share your thoughts, this is a great month to start doing it!

Crabby's New Digs?

(Photo by Semanchuk.com)

Nah, but Jennifer at Offbeat Homes found this for me and, my goodness it's... um... different! (Offbeat homes has tons of bizzaro houses, many of them way prettier than this one. It's a great place to fantasize about what you'll do with those lotto winnings that should be coming in any week now.)

Risque T.V. Commercials:
Just how I like my commercials--if I have to see them, I'd prefer they be at least a little bit dirty. I'm classy like that.

If it's not your native tongue, here's a very good reason to take English lessons. (Warning: NSFW unless you keep the volume low.)

Guys Like Big Manly SUV's , apparently, though we're not sure women care quite as much.

And finally, this one demonstrates The Many Advantages of Reclining seats.

So have at least a Moderately Happy Friday, everyone!

Fitness Equipment We Hate

[By Crabby]

As threatened promised earlier in the week, there's no way Cranky Fitness is going to post about awesome exercise equipment (or least the kind I like) and not balance it out with a post about the other kind of fitness equipment--the kind that's not so awesome.

Unfortunately, however, some of the items on my "worst" list happen to be other people's "bests." Sorry about that!

I'm guessing that as people weigh in on what they think sucks, they'll be dissin' some of my favorites too. But diss away! Seriously--I actually kind of like it when people hate the very things I'm crazy about. (Like marshmallow-covered yam casserole, for example). It reinforces my own unique individuality and also means there are more marshmallows and elliptical machines in the world for me and I don't have to share!

Anyway, here it is:

Crabby's Entirely Subjective List of Worst Exercise Equipment:

1. Exercise Bicycles.

I have no opinion on spinning bikes, or the thingamabobs that take a regular bike and turn it into an exercise bike. I haven't tried those. I'm talking about the standard issue sit upright and pedal, pedal, moan, and pedal type bike.

Why are they so horrible? How do some of you folks stand them?

I used to spend a lot of time riding a bike outside when I was younger, yet I find the indoor version tremendously painful and unrewarding. I can't get my heart rate up and my legs hurt like hell. There's no FUN in the movement. I need to move my whole body as I do cardio, rising and falling, or slipping and sliding, or bouncing or rolling or stepping or hopping or whatever. But plopped down on a seat, flailing my legs around while my ass and upper body is entirely stationary? Arrgggh.

2. Itty Bitty Ladies Weights.

My favorite tough gal, Kelly at Fitness Fixation, has already ranted quite eloquently about the fact that women often don't lift heavy enough weights to do them any good. I guess for people who like the pretty colors and want to work on their arm endurance during cardio, one and two pound weights might have some purpose.

But I gotta say I just don't get it. Why lift a 2 pound weight 875 times in order to build less muscle than lifting a 25lb (or whatever) dumbell 8-12 times and only being miserable for a few seconds? Has word not gotten out that women don't bulk up without a lot of effort and an unusual amount of testosterone? (Some of us would actually like more muscle definition and have a hell of time getting any).

Note: if you're new to fitness or whatever, start where you need to. I just personally want to spend time with those damn things if they're not doing me any good. (Also, for some really informative tips on real weight lifting technique, go visit Stumptuous. (Thanks for the tip, Jaime!) )

3. Resistance Bands.

The thing I don't like about them is that they sound so good and so I keep trying them over and over. Because after all, they're light-weight and cheap and practical and everyone swears they get a great workout with them. I even saw some study that says they do a fairly good job.

But then whenever I try them, they seem totally lame and worthless. What's wrong with me?

Through most of the range of motion, there's, like, no resistance at all. Then for about two inches, they're insanely impossible and, if you're trying to use them on your legs, they cut into your flesh. I end up doing these herky-jerky little two inch repetitions and cursing a lot and promising I'll never try them again.

Until the next time I read somewhere how great they are.

4. Almost Any Equipment Found at a Cheap-Ass Gym.

You know those gyms that buy crappy low-end equipment and/or don't perform any maintenance or ever do any repairs? I run into this on the road a lot. Tiny small-town gyms and and hotel fitness rooms are the worst.

Anyway, so you wait your turn and finally a cardio machine of some kind is open and then you find out it goes squeeeeek squeeeek squeeeek or thunka thunka thunkity thunk with every footfall. No matter how loud you turn up the music, you know other people can hear it and they hate you.

(No, it's not your fault, but trust me, they hate you. When I'm lucky enough to have the quiet one, I still hate the person on the noisy one for being so irritating.)

It's not just cardio equipment either. I hate wobbly weight machines, missing pins, broken cords, and a haphazard selection of equipment that leaves major muscle groups unaddressed. (On the plus side, you often get to skip a lot of stuff during travel-workouts without feeling guilty).

5. My Ipod.

Yes, this was on my best list too, because music is essential. And I have an ancient iPod, so perhaps all these issues have been resolved now. But I used to have a Nomad (back when mp3 players were roughly the size of dinner plates, not sticks of gum), and the interface seemed way more friendly. I could easily queue up music to last for hours, was not forever scrolling up and down through various menus.

Even better, before I met iTunes, I could actually share my music with the Lobster, which was only fair, since she actually paid for all those fine songs. But our iPods and computers don't seem to be speaking to one another, and we frequently end up buying the same damn songs twice.

Also, as it happens, I have a particularly satanic iPod full of little quirks:

It will turn itself on spontaneously, even when it's off and locked. Not only that, it will somehow manage to run down its battery even when plugged in and supposedly charging.

The iPod also likes to reboot for no particular reason and reset a bunch of settings. It's favorite is to turn down the contrast ratio, making the screen is unreadable. (Of course, this makes it virtually to impossible to find the contrast button again to fix it back.)

Even better, sometimes when it f*cks with the contrast, it will also change the language setting. Can you find the word "contrast," in nearly-invisible letters, in Czech or Dutch? Gosh, that's fun, especially when you're otherwise ready to head out for your run.

And finally, for some reason, it has a huge ego. When it's plugged into my laptop, which is already plugged into the wall socket, my arrogant iPod thinks it should supply all the power for both machines. Or something--the iPod will literally go from full to empty within ten minutes when I try to transfer songs from my computer.

I hate (love) hate my iPod. (And actually, I need a new mp3 player. Is there an alternative that won't mean losing the 300 plus songs I've already purchased from iTunes? Or am I Pod-slave forever now?)

All right, that's far more than enough of my whining (for today). Your turn! What do you guys hate? (Or heck be cheerful and like something, that's okay too.)