Exercising with lubricant: me and Manuel

Does that title sound naughty? I can't help it; when I discuss non-motorized treadmills, it's hard to avoid the smutty humor.

The inestimable Mizfit wrote a post about ... well, a bunch of good stuff, including cupcakes, but that's a side issue at the moment. What I'm concerned with is her request for more information about non-motorized treadmills. It made me realize that I never followed up with a description of my relationship with my manual treadmill, Orlando Manuel.

Good points about a manual treadmill:

• It's quiet. I can listen to the television or the iPod without blasting the volume while using Manuel.
• It's lightweight. Without all that hefty motorized stuffing, I can fold it up and put it away quite easily.
• It's tiny. My living room is not the size of a grand ballroom, so it's handy that I can fit Manuel in without having to climb over him to get to the television or something.
• It's easily 1/3 the price of a motorized treadmill.
• You can get a workout even when the power's off!

Drawbacks:

• It's always at an angle. That's a pain, but the more level the manual treadmill is, the harder it is to get it to move.
• Manuel needs lots of lubricant. WD-40 is a requirement.
• There are no pre-programmed programs (pardon my redundancy) for running hills or intervals.
• With Manuel, at least, you have to hold on to the rails to have something to push against. Otherwise the treadmill belt will stick, no matter how liberal you were with the lubricant.
• I swear on all the cupcakes in the pantry that the speedometer is delusional. This is probably just an issue with Manuel, but the rate it claims I'm going is not, cannot be my current speed. It must calculate this by some average that I can't figure out. (Or, it's demented.)

On the other hand, a treadmill is a treadmill. I mean, whether motorized or self-propelled, the dang thing will get your blood pumping and your heart rate elevated. Despite all the references to lubricant, Manuel is useful. I think any piece of exercise equipment is useful, so long as the human is willing to actually use it.

Have you ever bought a piece of exercise equipment only to end up using it as an extra coat rack?

Photo credit: celesth

Treadmill Rage

This Guest Post was written by Charlotte Anderson over at The Great Fitness Experiment, which as many of you have discovered is one of the best fitness blogs on the planet. Charlotte also blogs at Huffington Post and she's been on TV and seems generally to be headed for a Bright Shiny Future. I can't help but find myself insanely jealous filled with admiration! And today she has a fun Quiz for us. Enjoy!--Crabby


Guest Post by Charlotte Anderson

You've heard of "road rage." But have you, or anyone you love, been a victim of Treadmill Rage? Have you ever felt a murderous impulse rise as you watch the two giggling teens monopolize your favorite machines for an hour without even having the decency to break a sweat? Take this test to find out!

1. Have you ever fantasized about chucking a dumbbell at someone on the weight floor?

• Was it a slow-moving grandpa or a confused lifting newbie? -5 points.
• Was it a meathead carefully monopolizing every piece of equipment on the weight floor (signaled by him placing exactly one item of his squarely in the middle of each bench and then walking territorially around the room surveying his domain)? +1 point, +3 if you actually hit him.

2. Have you ever had the urge to stick your arm out and clothesline someone running on the track?

• Were you bitter just because they are faster than you? 0 points just for considering it (we're human after all) -3 points if you actually did it. You jerk.
• Was said runner passing you on the inside? While screaming "Outta my way, I'm doing Fartleks!!"? Did she catch you with an elbow? +1 point for fantasizing, +5 if you actually throw your arm out - congratulations, you just made the world a safer place. You're like Superman. Someone give you a medal. And a cape.

3. Your favorite cardio equipment is taken. Do you:

• Find something else to get your heartrate up? +3 for being flexible - yogis have nothing on you.
• Sigh loudly & tap your feet while looking impatiently from your watch to the display on their machine? 0 points if the display reads 0:03:42. You want your own machine? Buy one. +1 points if the display reads 0:47:21. They're obviously going the full hour. Nobody stops on a "weird" number. +5 points if the display reads 3:25:54 and you give them a pamphlet on exercise bulimia - you good citizen, you.

4. The girl at the front of your aerobics class is obviously new and lost.

• Is she just using the mirror to do her hair? +1 for staring, hoping she gets the hint to actually move her body. It's cardio Barbie. +2 if you run up to "help" her and then style her as a Muppet. The whole class will thank you.
• Do you ignore her? 0 points. You're no hero but at least you refrained from rolling your eyes at your friend. In the mirror.
• Do you give her a little encouragement during the water break and maybe help her nail that tricky part because, hey, at least she's making the effort to exercise? +4 points. Can I be in your classes??
• Do you Carefully move up on her until you're breathing down her neck so she knows she's in your space? -3 points. It's not your spot. You don't have a spot. Nobody does except the teacher. And dogs. And then laugh loudly every time she makes a mistake? -10 points. You sociopath.

The Cure

Treadmill Rage is common. We've all felt it. Hopefully we didn't act on it (unless you have a really good reason, see list above). But giving in to your violent impulses really won't increase your calorie burn. Much.

Do you know what is much harder? Being nice. For some reason it doesn't come naturally to most of us, especially if we (ahem, me) are competitive. But being kind and forgiving is actually much better for your health. Besides adding up to 5 years to your life (see? You'll outlive all those jerks! That'll teach 'em!! Oh, wait...), being chill helps ease depression & anxiety while helping you heal faster from surgery, increasing your life satisfaction and giving you a happier outlook on life.

For a great example check out what this biker does when confronted with inconsiderate drivers (thanks for tip TJ!!). Truly this is a great story and if nothing else will help you pay more attention to who's in the crosswalk. He's one creative and gutsy dude:)

Tell me if you've ever been a victim or perpetrator of Treadmill Rage! Don't worry we won't judge or laugh. Much. ;)

EIlipticals and Treadmills... For Kids?

[By Crabby]

(There are some here if you want one.)

Anyone happen to catch this Boston Globe article on fitness equipment for children?

Yep, that's right, there's a company that now makes treadmills and elliptical trainers for children as young as three.

What do you think?

When I read the article, I had mixed feelings.
My First Reaction: Aaaaahhhhkkkk!

Truly, I saw the headline and thought: What a f*cked up world we live in. What happened to the notion of "play?" Exercise is not supposed to miserable until you're an adult, damn it!

(Warning: Grumpy Old Fogey Alert)

I know kids are getting fat. And I know they need more activity. But not this way! What happened to playgrounds and front lawns and freeze tag and kickball and stupid dangerous made-up games involving jumping off of things and tackling each other?

I'd never trade the bruises, gashes, scrapes and stitches I got as a kid for hours spent in front of a tv, computer, or video game console, broken up by "structured" exercise sessions on a piece of equipment.



I'm not a parent, so I have no idea of how the transformation happened by which kids have been declared too fragile to "go out and play" like we did. I know you all think the world is much more dangerous now. Maybe it is. But I think it's more our thinking that's changed.

Here's the thing: Forty years ago, we still had traffic, pedophiles, rusty nails, drugs, bullies, broken glass, rattlesnakes, and even serial killers. We just assumed all the bad things happened to other people, and usually it did. Mom said "go out and play" and we did. We played kickball in the street until someone yelled "Car!!!!" We climbed trees and water towers and roofs where we didn't belong. We ran around not because we had to, but because we wanted to.

I know not every neighborhood is safe enough for kids to go out and play in. Yet doesn't it almost seem like the safer the neighborhood, the less likely you are to see kids playing in it? 'Cause they're all inside, or they've been rounded up and shipped off for officially sanctioned activities.

We probably had a lot more accidents and injuries forty years ago. Because, hey, every now and then it was your turn to jump off the top of a ladder with a grocery bag for a parachute.

But today the young 'uns are all completely safe and supervised. And a good percentage of them are fat and are going to die early of heart disease and diabetes or liver problems. Unless they get on a ridiculous little kiddie treadmill or hire a personal trainer or wear a pedometer? Yikes.

Sigh. The world's goin' to hell in a handbasket.

(This Concludes the Old Fogey Rant; you may now safely resume your regular blog reading activities).


My Second Reaction: Well, OK, Maybe in Some Cases...

On further reflection, and after a more careful reading of the article, I realized that there might be some times when having a kiddie treadmill or elliptical would make some sense.

If you're a busy mom, and the kids are watching everything you do and wanting to join you in your workout? Well, that might be a cool! And having their own little junior version might help keep them off your equipment, which could be an expensive/dangerous proposition.

After all, we buy kids junior versions of cars and vacuum cleaners and ovens and garden tools. As I recall, imitating adults can feel like "play" when you're a kid, even though the actual activities might be "work" for the adults themselves.

So if you're buying a kiddie treadmill or elliptical as a "toy" that your kid will enjoy, and you can "play" together, that seems pretty reasonable.

(But how "fun" is a treadmill gonna be for a kid after the first few minutes? Just wondering.)

So enough of the Crab and her grumpy-ass opinions. What do you all think?

Exercise Equipment : We Have Opinions!

[By Crabby]

No, this isn't a useful product review of the best and worst fitness equipment out there. (There are plenty of those around and they all contradict each other). This is just a list of things I like and why. Chances are, you'll all have opinions of your own that are different—because of course you're all wrong we're all unique individuals, and isn't that what make the world a wonderful place!

(Note: at some point soon we'll also do a “worst exercise equipment” list. After all, this blog is not called Cheerful Fitness is it?)

So here we go,

Crabby's Entirely Subjective List of Best Exercise Equipment Ever:

Big-Ass Weight Machines: And yes, I love the girly kind where you just move the little pins, not the macho kind where you lug big plates around and try to wrestle them onto each new machine like you're building the damn thing from scratch.

It’s very out-of-fashion to like these anymore. You're supposed to be doing free weights or having a personal trainer devise sadistic unendurable creative ways to use your own body weight to get stronger or whatever. It's uncool to use a machine to isolate just one set of muscles at at time.

Well, screw that. I like to sit down on a comfortable machine and only be miserable in one body part at a time. (And I only do one set apiece, at the heaviest weights possible, so it doesn't last long). Is using a bunch of big machines like this less efficient? Is it less functional for carrying groceries or hand-to-hand combat with invading aliens? I don't give a crap. I can still schlep groceries with the best of them; the aliens have not yet arrived; and I like my big-ass machines.

Elliptical Machine: This is another relatively wimpy choice, in some people's eyes, compared to the treadmill or the stairmaster. But getting on a treadmill to walk or run just makes it obvious that you're not outside, where such activities are much more entertaining. Even though I do use a treadmill, it is essentially a compromise machine. And a stair-stepper (especially the backwards escalator kind) is a torture device. Whereas an elliptical machine?

An elliptical machine is a RIDE! If used properly, (or actually, improperly) an elliptical machine is fun! Here's how to make it a piece of playground equipment and much less of a chore.

You must:

• Play awesome kick-ass music with exactly the right cadence so that each step is to the beat.
• Get a machine without the stupid handlebars, or if you can't find one, try to avoid getting smacked by them when you forget they're there.
• Pump your arms vigorously and cultivate the ability to balance, both going forward and backwards. (This must be good for some core muscle or other, don't you think?). Finally, the most important part:
• Launch yourself higher in the air than you need to on each upswing so that you feel like you're sproinging along like an antelope to the beat.

It's fun, really.

WARNING: Following these instructions puts more stress on your knees and may result in your looking like an ass. (Especially if you close your eyes, add some dance moves, and lip synch to the music. But that part is totally optional).

Big Bouncy Inflatable Ball. I know you’re supposed to do all sorts of challenging exercises on it and that it will get your core muscles in great shape, but I lost the little pamphlet that came with it. (And also the pump, so it’s kind of squishy now).

But what I love about the big goofy green ball in our basement is that it’s a great way to stretch out my back. I sit down on it, then lean back until my head dangles upside down, trying to keep my feet somewhat balanced on the ground so I don’t lose control and crash-land on my head and split my skull open. Once equilibrium is obtained, however, it's a great stretch--you can feel all the little vertebrae spreading out and relaxing and putting their feet up, happy to have a little personal space for once.

It’s also my impression (based on something I read somewhere long ago that probably isn’t even true), that using gravity to pull your spine apart will keep you from shrinking as you get older. If this is a totally preposterous theory, don't tell me, because part of the fun of the stretch is my belief that it's making me taller.

Ipod
Well, duh. Gotta have tunes. (On the other hand, this device, or at least my old-fashioned version of it, has enough infuriating quirks that it will also be appearing on Crabby's Entirely Subjective List of The Worst Exercise Equipment Ever Invented.)

Heart Rate Monitor
Notice how I'm running out of steam here, and all of a sudden the sections are getting shorter? Sure, I started off with lots of energy, but now, wow, this is getting old. I'm tired. Am I putting out enough effort still or am I just going through the motions and secretly slacking?

Well, if you're exercising instead of blogging and the same questions come up, you'll have an answer--if you own a handy-dandy heart rate monitor!

(So was that the lamest segue ever??)

Actually, part of the reason for not saying much down here is that I already wrote a whole post on the awesomeness of heart rate monitors. The bottom line? They give you a concrete number to fixate on and become completely obsessed with inform you about your progress. (And you can also use them as handy biofeedback devices).

Anyway, I've been opining for long enough--I want to hear about other people's favorites. That is, if you have any opinions about exercise equipment... or anything else for that matter. At Cranky Fitness, we love opinions!

Treadmill Tips

[Posted by Crabby]

In yesterday's Ask Cranky Fitness post, Mary was discussing cold weather exercise and the topic of treadmills came up. Unfortunately, Mary doesn't have a treadmill and wishes she did. Crabby, on the other hand, does have a treadmill and sometimes wishes she didn't.

Since Crabby loves to give advice, and she actually owns the equipment in question, she thought she'd give some tips for those lucky enough to have some funds in the bank for a home treadmill purchase. (Not everyone does, nor do they have a place to put one, so Crabby apologizes in advance for her insensitivity about this). She also hopes those of you who actually know something about treadmills will pipe up in the Comments section if she says anything too dumb.


Home Treadmill Advice:

1. Consider your purchase carefully. Don't buy a treadmill, or any piece of exercise equipment for that matter, as a result of an infomercial. Especially not an infomercial viewed late at night in a guilty sugar-induced stupor following an unfortunate Ben and Jerry's incident.

A recent totally made up rigorous scientific study showed that 97% of home exercise equipment buyers felt like total morons. Why? Well, for not realizing that the reason they weren't exercising was because they hated to exercise, not for lack of proper home exercise equipment. It's much cheaper to not go running or not do exercise videos than to not use your treadmill.

2. Think about buying a Cheap-Ass treadmill. Not one of those totally junky infomercial brands, but a modest, possibly used or refurbished treadmill. Of course you should get on it and make sure it's not totally rickety, and think about doing some internet research on the brand. But one does not have to spend thousands of dollars to get a decent model. The Crab & Lobster's treadmill was purchased at a Sears Warehouse after someone took it back. Cost well under $400 and works just fine. Will it last forever? Probably not. (But who knows, they may invent cooler exercise machines in a few years anyway that fly around or something).

3. Treadmills Are Boring, Plan Accordingly! Though some may disagree, Crabby is of the opinion that home treadmills suck, relative to trails and paths and even sidewalks, as places to exercise. At least at the gym you can watch other people being miserable. So plop a tv in front of you, get out your best music, rent some audio-books, or whatever it takes to distract you. It's worth a little extra effort to make the experience more appealing, especially if you've just shelled out hundreds or even thousands of dollars for your machine and are growing to loathe it. Along those lines, you can...

4. Play Treadmill games! What are treadmill games? Well, these take advantage of the fact that treadmills allow you to control your terrain and tell you how fast you're going. So you can track your times and compete against yourself, make up little challenges, and generally just mix things up in a way that you may not bother to do outside where there are pretty things to look at.

So the inherent boredom of the treadmill can actually push you to improve your performance! Been wanting to try interval training? Treadmills are great for that. Or see how fast you can race-walk without having to look like an ass in front of people. You can alternate slow hills with fast flats; see how quickly you can run a mile, or how long you can walk backwards without falling over. (Crabby once read an article about how good running and walking backwards is for your legs--she gave it a try, on a treadmill at the gym when other people were around, which was not a very smart thing to do!)

5. Don't Wait for Weights! This is a favorite trick of Crabby's. One advantage of a home treadmill is that you can jump off for a minute without someone stealing it from you like they might at the gym. So Crabby will take advantage of the fact that a bit of strength training, done quickly in the middle of a cardio workout, will keep her heart rate up. It's two for one! (But not as intense as actual circuit training, which Crabby is too lazy to do).

Here's what you do: at some point in your cardio workout, you leave the treadmill running, giving yourself full credit for any mileage it records. This is important. Since you're still keeping your heart rate up, you're essentially doing cardio and get to count this time as though you were still running. Jump off the treadmill (not literally, unless you are very athletic), do a set of some yucky strength-training exercise in a quick but not too half-assed manner, then hustle back to the treadmill again. Slog some more. Wait until you get totally bored with the treadmill again, then jump off and do a different strength training exercise.

Strangely enough, through some weird workout math, you may find that miserable + miserable does not equal 2 times miserable! The cardio seems to go faster, and you have less to do when it's time to tackle those weights.

So, do any of have treadmills or other home exercise equipment? Wish you did? Glad you don't? Any tips? Comments are always welcome!