Cranky Fitness

Strength Training for Beginners

2009-01-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

Image credit: popoever

Thinking about adding some strength training to your exercise routine, but aren't sure how to get started?

Building up muscle strength is really good for you. (More on that in a moment) And if you're female, we promise you're not going to end up looking freakishly masculine and massively proportioned. First off, you need a bunch of testosterone for that. And secondly, hardcore muscle-building is kick-ass hard work! It involves effort, frustration, exhaustion, and pain, and it's pretty much impossible to accidentally do too much.

Wait, where are you all going???

Sorry. Strength training really doesn't have to be all that unpleasant. That's mostly a problem for whiny slackers like yours truly, who would love to look pretty darn muscular, but would like it to happen via Fairy Dust, not actual work. Even for slackers, working with weights is pretty rewarding. Not just in terms of appearance and health benefits, but in actually being able to lift heavy stuff without ending up in the hospital.

So, for some tips to get started, who is better suited to offer advice than Crabby McSlacker?

Almost anyone, that's who!

That's why I asked some much better informed folks, like MizFit and Kelly of Fitness Fixation and Rupal of 101 Exercises and Personal Trainer Terri Walsh to help me out with links from their sites and helpful tips. Plus... we got The Google in on it too.

And if you already strength train, hang in there, because I'm really hoping you'll read this post, realize you know a LOT more about the subject than I do, and chime in with your tips and personal experiences for newbies to benefit from.

Why it's So Important to Learn The Physiological Processes Behind Muscle Building

In order to start strength training, it crucial that you first understand the process by which muscle is built and concepts such as progressive overload, zzzzzzz the distinctions between isotonic, isometric zzzzzzzzz and plyometric zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz.

Okay, maybe we don't really give a crap about that after all.

Why Is Strength Training Good for You?

There's a handy list at WebMD. But there's also a nice summary over at 101 Exercises of what strength training can do:

increase metabolic rate which in turn allows your body to burn calories more efficiently, even at rest
cut down on cardiovascular stress by reduction of resting blood pressure and heart rate
increase bone density, thus reducing risk of osteoporosis
improve strength, power and muscular endurance
and even help firm up ‘bingo arms’ ‘moobs’ and ‘muffin tops’!

Rupal also contributed some further thoughts and inducements:

"Each pound of added muscle burns approximately 35 to 50 more calories daily. That can add up! And if you're a competitive sort, strengthening can enhance athletic performance. Swing the golf club harder, climb hills faster in a race, jump higher and cycle faster! It can also help prevent injuries: stronger, more balanced musculature equals greater stability at joints, more effective and efficient biomechanical relationships and enhanced movement performance."

Choosing Equipment and Setting

You can do your strength training in a gym. You can do it at home. You can do it on a train; you can do it in the rain; you can do it with a fox; you can do it in a box... oops, wait, maybe not! (Too much Dr. Seuss as a child, sorry).

As to equipment, you can use weight machines (they have combo home versions too); or use barbells, dumbells, a weight bench. Don't like heavy objects? You can also use resistance bands or tubes; fancy suspension systems; you can use use your own body weight for many exercises too. You can use even use live human children, but don't tell anyone we said that.

How to decide which way to go?

It's all very personal, and of course has quite a bit to do with convenience, space, goals, and costs. There's no right or wrong answer. I would advise against making huge financial commitments, either with long-term gym memberships or fancy-pants equipment, until you've tried a few different methods.

One tip: there are many reasons you might want to avoid gyms, like you don't want to leave the house to exercise, or you hate to wait for equipment, or the smell of a gym reminds you of high school and causes you to burst into tears at unpredictable intervals. All very reasonable. But don't let self-consciousness keep you out of a perfectly good gym.

You have every right to be in that gym, beginner or not. If you get some basic instructions before you start off, and don't do anything too obnoxious, no one will even notice you. The regulars are all too busy flexing, grunting, cursing, and staring at their own reflections in the mirror to care that you're lifting bright pink 2 lb dumbbells or grand pianos. You can join for a brief period; try out all kinds of things; get some instructions; and then use that info to put together your own home set-up.

General Tips

Virtually everyone I asked and every place I googled emphasized the same two important points:

1. Learn about proper form before you start.

2. Start off easy and build the habit before you try to lift heavy. Eventually, you will want to lift heavier and heavier weights--and in fact, I remember a study saying that most people, and women in particular, settle in at weights that aren't nearly heavy enough to challenge them.

But worry about that later. When you're just starting out, your job is to learn proper form and get in the habit of regular strength training. Save injury-inducing bonehead feats of stupidity for later on! By then, you'll have enough invested in your progress that mere sprained, torn, broken, or otherwise abused body parts won't keep you from quitting completely.

Getting Help

If you have googled around a bit looking for general guidance on getting started, you may have discovered that the advice you get is frustratingly general (like mine). Or, it is way too overwhelming--you get hundreds of possible exercises and contradictory instructions depending on who is offering the advice.

Thus I'd recommend picking one fairly reliable source, learning the basics, and then progressively getting more and more information customized to your particular goals and needs. Note: MizFit is one of our favorite reliable sources, and much of the rest of this post is swiped from her blog with her very generous permission.

Here are some of the options for designing your program and starting out:

Human: This is one of the best methods, because an actual live person can listen to your goals, note your limitations, and see what you're doing wrong and corrrect your form. How to find a helpful human? Many gyms offer a free orientation to their equipment when you join; and it's no secret you can pay a personal trainer. Mizfit has some great tips about how to choose a good personal trainer, and so does Kelly from Fitness Fixation.

Virtual Human: There are online sources offering more personalized plans than a book. Of course they can't hover over you like an in-person trainer and tell you your knees are in the wrong place or your butt's sticking out too far. One I happen to know of is Terri Walsh, a celebrity personal trainer in NYC. Have I trained with her? Heck no, do I look like a celebrity? But she did send me a nifty ebook full of useful exercises, and she also does an online training service for (just) under $20 a month. (She's also one of the 2009 trainers in People Magazine's "Half Their Size" project). But there are plenty others out there I haven't been introduced to, and maybe readers could share their experiences, good or bad.

Books, DVD's, etc:
Mizfit helps us out again on books: She likes Arnold Schwarzenegger’s book because, "while I don't wish to look like he does, the explanations and photos are immensely helpful." She also finds that "Bodybuilding for Dummies gives clear, concise, bottom-line suggestions for how to devise and stick to a weight training plan."

This is another area where we could use some help. The last book I consulted one by Diana Nyad, which was very comprehensive and helpful at the time, but came out ~~a hundred years ago~~ back in the 80's and is probably out of print. We're hoping folks in the comments will help fill in this section with favorite books, dvd's or websites!

Basic Routines

How Much and How Often? What Exercises Should I Do?

This is where it starts to get overwhelming. I'll just include the advice of a few folks, but again, you may want seek Professional Help to craft a routine that's right for you.

MizFit again is a super resource.

While she is, like Crabby, a believer in starting off with guidance from a live human, she offered up a sample beginner full body routine in one of her posts.

"Start off twice a week (remember, we are setting ourselves up for success!) doing only two sets per exercise at a weight where you can complete 12-15 repetitions the first set without struggle and 10-12 repetitions the last set and feel *challenged* but not in pain.

What should you include in this routine?

1 exercise for chest.

1 exercise for back.

1 exercise for biceps.

1 exercise for triceps.

1 exercise for shoulders.

2-4 for your legs (depending on time available and your current fitness level.)

As you become more fit you can increase your workout to three times a week (never on back-to-back days) and, as your fitness level increases still, you may wish to break down your routine into an upper body workout one day and lower body/shoulders on another.

And you know what's really cool? MizFit has videos to show you how to do these exercises, with emphasis on proper form.

Legs:
Legs Video 1
Legs Video 2
Legs Video 3
Legs Video 4

Arms:
Arms Video 1
Arms Video 2
Arms Video 3
Arms Video 4
Arms Video 5

Chest/back:
Video 1
Video 2
Video 3
Video 4
Video 5

Terri Walsh, when she's not busy shrinking people to half their size, recommends working towards these essential exercises:

Push ups
Pull ups
Squats
Lunges
Dips
Crunches

However, as we've mentioned, tough exercises like pushups and pullups may require modification, especially for beginners. Terri says that as a trainer, she always starts people off slow and then adds workouts as they get more comfortable. She suggests "Start off with two workouts per week. If you make all those workouts happen in a month, then add ONE more to the week the next month. And so on. The goal is not to torture yourself, but to allow your mind, body and life to catch up to, and get used to your new thinking. Too many changes all at once is harder on the psyche than most people will admit, and that imo, causes 'relapses'."

Here's another list of "top ten exercises"; Stumptuous has lots more information on free weights for women, and of course Rupal has tons of exercises over at her place.

Warnings and Hazards

Kelly at Fitness Fixation has some very specific warnings about common exercises that people do wrong. Sample tip (among many) for the squat: "Your chest should remain upright and your back curved. I mean curved so that you are sticking out your chest and ass, like, yes, a supermodel in a waterfall."

So, do any of you have any advice for those just starting off? Any inspirational tales or horror stories?

(And if you've got a great post on this that you've written or seen somewhere, feel free to leave a link in your comment below for new folks to check out! Unless you're selling something slimy, in which case, please go somewhere else to leave your spam.)

Random Thursday returns, loaded with gossip

2009-01-08T04:32:00.007-05:00

Admit it. Sometimes you need a random Cranky Fitness post. Especially when there hasn't been a single random post all year.

Photo credit: Redvers

Especially a post that reveals some really ~~out there~~ interesting gossip about Crabby McSlacker...

Did that get your attention?

News flash: people aren't good at paying attention (Yes, I'm talking to you)

Psychologists are finding out that even when people try to focus on a task they tend to lose concentration within 40 minutes, and sometimes as little as 10 minutes. A psychology professor at the University of Cincinatti, Joel Warm, tracked blood flow in different areas of the brain to determine when people were, or were not, paying attention.

"During various 40-minute tests, researchers saw a decrease in blood-flow velocity over time, and, therefore, a decrease in attention. "Sometimes in the first 10 minutes," Warm says. "That early." And he says many times the participants didn't realize it was happening."

The really scary part? They plan to use this to test people who work in nuclear power plants, to find out when the person monitoring the controls has zoned out while on the job. (Just the thought of a person in that job zoning out scares me. Or a pilot zoning out while flying a plane. Or... okay, you get the idea.) Pay attention!

Another reason to feel paranoid when you're feeling sick

Fatal heart attacks and other heart disease deaths increased during flu epidemics in St. Petersburg, the researchers report. In an article published in the European Heart Journal, if you're over 50, and live in St. Petersburg (Russia, not Florida) and have the flu, you have a higher risk of having a heart attack.

The study stresses that while the flu may make fatal heart attacks or other heart disease deaths more likely, just the fact that you have the flu doesn't seem to actually cause a heart attack. Dr. Mirkin reasons thusly:

"Nobody really knows why, but inflammation is the leading theory on the cause of heart attacks and strokes. Your immunity is good for you because it helps protect you from infections However, if your immunity stays active, it can attack your body to cause inflammation which damages blood vessels and sets you up for clots that cause heart attacks and strokes. "

Moral: if you have heart trouble, get a flu vaccination. Especially if you're over 50 and live in Russia. Well, frankly, even if you live in Florida.

Hey, I had to throw in a scary bit of research to see if you were paying attention

Cyclists are fit to be tied... er, I mean clipped in

People who really get into bicycling tend to use toe clips or clip-in shoes to secure their foot to the pedal. The common wisdom is that this is more efficient that regular pedaling. (You not only push down on the pedal, you also pull up on the upstroke, thus utilizing all the leg motion to keep the bicycle going.) Researchers (not the same ones as the gossip study) at the University of Bath in England showed that cycling efficiency is not altered with and without toe clips (Journal of Sports Sciences, January 2008). Turns out toe clips don't really lower submaximal oxygen consumption (VO2).

On the other hand, riding clipped in does help in other ways. Your foot isn't going to slip off the pedals if you have to speed up or slow down quickly. Personally I don't recommend it if you're the forgetful type. Otherwise, you'll come to a complete stop and only then remember to unclip... while the bicycle is falling sideways onto the pavement... um, not that I'm speaking from experience. Oh my no. Nope, not me. (Thankfully, most bicycles do not come equipped with video cameras, so there's no evidence to suggest I'm being less than candid.)

Did you know that looking for YouTube clips of bicycles with toe clips brings up Porn videos? I didn't know that until just this moment. Wait... where's everybody going? Geez, now you pay attention?

more animals

Turns out it's healthy to read People magazine

Photo credit: Jessica Driver

Professor Manfred Milinksi, working with Drs Ralf Sommerfeld, and Hans-Jurgen Krambeck in the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Germany, found that gossip is a vector for socially relevant information.

Those who were fascinated by the lives of others were more successful than those who were not, the researchers found. Gossip is "the glue that holds society together." (It can certainly create sticky situations, so I suppose that analogy is accurate.)

The next time you're at the gym and someone stares at you while you're working out, just tell yourself that they're looking for socially relevant information about you to share with others.

The study concludes that if people hear a lot of gossip about someone, they tend to automatically discount what they're hearing. But in small dosages, gossip can (they say) give useful information, such as whether you should avoid a prospective mate because of habitual infidelity.

I don't know. Seems to me if I heard a lot of gossip over and over about someone, I'd be inclined to start thinking about cliches such as 'no smoke without fire' and things like that. The kind of gossip I like is the sort that I used to find in the Weekly World News. Did you know that a scientist has created a death ray for the iPhone? It's amazing what you can learn.

So, did you hear the rumor about Crabby? Well, it turns out it's all true. Yes, she really is the secret love child of Elvis and Princess Diana, but don't tell anyone I told you...

Tomorrow, I promise, there's a real post about fitness and crabbiness and interesting stuff like that. Honest!

Really Functional Fitness

2009-01-07T06:00:00.002-05:00

photo credit: laughingmonk

Don't you love the idea of Functional Fitness? According to Web MD, Functional Fitness means "building a body capable of doing real-life activities in real-life positions, not just lifting a certain amount of weight in an idealized posture created by a gym machine."

Functional fitness is supposed to be better than the usual, dysfunctional fitness we've grown accustomed to, because it uses compound movements rather than working individual muscles. The muscles then learn how to work together in harmony instead of being all aloof and snooty with each other. (And if you listen really, really closely after you're done, you may even hear the song "Kumbaya" emanating from your muscle fibers.)

Doesn't Functional Fitness seems like a great idea? Trendy, sure, but it's also down-to-earth at the same time. Instead of using huge cumbersome weight machines designed to isolate muscles, functional fitness is more likely to call for ~~expensive personal trainers to show you what the hell you're supposed to do~~ simple equipment like free weights, wobble boards, stability balls, elastic bands, or kettlebells. Or better yet, you can use nothing but your own body weight, with exercises like push ups or pull-ups.

Totally makes sense, right, to exercise your body in ways that are natural and practical, rather than artificial and frivolous?

But... just how functional are these moves for your life?

Be Prepared!
Kelly at Fitness Fixation, who is a fan of functional fitness, once wrote an amusing post explaining how incredibly useful many of these exercises can be in real life. She lists typical scenarios in which they come in very handy. For example, on pull-ups:

"In your secret agent job, you end up doing battle with the evil villain on a flying helicopter... the villain pushes you out of the copter...you grab onto those bottom landing thingies and manage to pull yourself back up into the craft while dangling above the Golden Gate Bridge. Thank god for those pull ups, or you’d never have the upper body strength to do that!"

(Other scenarios start with "A clown car drives up..." "A gigantic boa constrictor drops out of the foliage and lands on your shoulders...").

So yeah--some of these functional exercises aren't all that similar to real life needs. For example, I can't remember the last time I was required to balance myself on a big round inflatable object. Call me crazy, but when I need to reach somewhere high, like to change a light bulb, I climb up on a chair or a ladder, not a stability ball.

Exercises for Real Life
What would be more practical? Well, how about some exercises that more closely resemble real life challenges?

1. The Toddler Toss.
"Busy Moms" are often held up as a prime example of people who can benefit from functional exercise. And lifting their offspring is a frequently-cited example of the kind of activity they need to build muscle for. But how does working with a puny medicine ball prepare you for a real life squirming, constantly-growing child?

Equipment required: One wriggly toddler; one or two parents; assorted barbells, soup cans, or other heavy weights; duct tape, scissors.

Step One: First you take the toddler, the weights, the duct tape and you wrap...

Oh wait, sorry, the phone's ringing...

Crabby, a word, if you please?

Whoops! That was the Cranky Fitness Legal Department. Um, perhaps we'll move right along and cover this exercise some other time.

2. The Pickle Jar Twist
Has this ever happened to you? You spend hours at the gym, working with their fancy-ass equipment. And yet once home in your own kitchen, you discover you can't open a jar of pickles or organic grape juice* or pasta sauce without either injuring yourself or sheepishly handing it over to your Significant Other for assistance.

*(The grape juice jar is a real life example. I actually once sprained my wrist trying to open one. To this day, I still re-injure the same wrist sometimes. Curse you, fancy unopenable organic grape juice!)

The problem: wrist and forearm muscles aren't very sexy, so there are no special machines for them. But aren't these the sort of muscles we actually need to use?

Until gyms start offering fake plastic-coated, neon colored jars to open, and spandex-clad fitness instructors to demonstrate the proper form, you may need to buy a bunch of extra pickle jars for home. First screw 'em closed lightly, then open again; then work up until you can screw 'em shut medium tight, etc. Keep practicing until you can open even the most tightly screwed on stubborn jar lid. Then seek additional opportunities whenever and wherever you can find them to loosen and tighten sticky faucets, valves, lids, etc.

Worried that your boyfriend/husband will feel less useful not being the go-to guy on jar lids anymore? Here's one way you might introduce the topic:

"Honey, I just read on a fitness blog that I really should practice screwing more often. I'm supposed to find opportunities to screw whenever and wherever I can. Can you support me in that?"

Oh shoot, is that the phone ringing again?

3. The Bus Stop Sprint
Interval training helps with this task, sure. But the last time you needed to catch a bus, were you on a treadmill wearing workout attire, carrying nothing with you but a tiny iPod?

Of course not! To simulate real life conditions, take your work clothes to the gym, put on those high heels, skirt, trenchcoat, etc; grab a weighted briefcase, lunch bag, gym tote, and umbrella, hop on the treadmill and sprint!

For additional authenticity: drop your cell phone mid-sprint, and have a partner throw a little trash in front of your feet for you to dodge. It would help, too, if you could practice with diesel exhaust fumes blowing in your face, but this may present some logistical issues.

4. The Public Toilet Squat
Step One: Go to an overcrowded mall, a gas station, or anywhere that facilities are not scrupulously maintained.

Step Two: Innocently pick a stall and open the door.

Step Three: Gahhh!!! No Way. You don't really need to go that bad.

Step Four: Damn. Yes you do.

Step Five: Make appropriate clothing adjustments and assume squatting position. No need to worry about where your knees are in relation to your toes; just worry about where your ass is in relation to the toilet. For the sake of others coming after you, please do not pee all over the seat.

(Yep, this is a high-class blog. We even have an earlier post on the indignities of public restrooms).

5. Maybe Not as "Practical"
Here are some videos of folks doing "real" functional fitness. Not nearly as challenging as flinging heavily weighted toddlers into the air, but perhaps less likely to get us sued.

Note: For those of you who are interested in strength training but don't know where to start, we're hoping to have a slightly more informative post coming up Friday on Beginning Strength training. So stay tuned!

Do you folks prefer "functional" exercises to the other kind? What are some of your favorites?

The English Major's Diet (plus a scale giveaway)

2009-01-06T04:22:00.006-05:00

Wait a minute, you say. That's a picture of the Mary Lou's Weigh scale up there. What's that got to do with the English Major's Diet, whatever that is? And did you mention a giveaway?

I'm so glad you asked.

(Really, I am. Makes it much easier to segue into the post.)

What is Mary Lou's Weigh?

Mary Lou Retton was a gymnast who won a gold medal in the 1984 Olympics. She has a reputation for being extremely focused, highly determined, and hella perky. So it makes sense that when she branched out into the weight-loss field, she would specialize in products that helped people stay focused, keep motivated, and feel perky.

Despite the perky part, the scale is kinda neat. That's the short version of the review. I'll get to the longer version in a moment. First, I know you're curious about the giveaway details.

Well, what are the scale giveaway details?

To win the scale...

leave a comment by Midnight (Pacific Standard Time) on Monday, January 12, letting us know why you think this would be a good scale for you to have. (We want it to go to a good home.)

Please be a USian, or at least have a U.S. mailing address where the scale can be sent.

So why would I want this scale? What is the English Major's Diet, anyway?

I like this scale. I think it's neat.

And I'm not saying that because they sent me one to review, either. I already have a scale, a very sturdy and accurate doctor's scale. It's a great scale; I don't have a problem with it. The problem is my reaction to it.

What's different about Mary Lou's scale is that it does not tell you how much you weigh. Ever. What it does is calculate how much you've gained or lost in relation to what you weighed when you first stepped on the scale.

The Mary Lou's Weigh scale is designed to help you lose 10 pounds at a time. That's a major plus, in my opinion. One problem with my current scale is that I can see the long line of numbers on the balance part of the scale, showing the looooong distance between where I am and where I want to be. Showing how much I have to lose, and how much of a loser I am if I don't make it. That's a helluva thing to look at first thing in the morning.

That's why I call this the English Major's diet: it takes the numbers out of weight loss or maintenance.

If you never weigh yourself, you have to rely on less precise methods. I like the Skinny Jeans method, but that only measures the weight around your waist/hips/butt. (Unless you really like wearing low jeans... I mean, are those jeans or leg warmers?)

Anyway, who wants to try on their skinny jeans every morning to see whether they've gained or maintained (or even lost)?

I think this scale is cool because it keeps me from falling into the old numbers trap. Am I on track? Cool. If not, I'll deal with it. But no calculations, please. They make me focus too much.

English Majors do it by the book. We don't need no stinkin' numbers.

If I weigh myself weekly, the results can vary by as much as six pounds. If I weigh myself daily and average it out, I can get a good idea of how I'm doing, but I end up depressed. The process runs something like this:

Step 1. Weigh self on the scale.

Step 2. Note that I've either a) lost weight or b) gained/maintained.
-- If a. I lose an infinitesimally small amount of weight, become elated, and immediately expect to lose 20 pounds by the end of the month.
-- If b. I gain an equally fractional amount of weight, become discouraged, and mentally flagellate myself for being such a horrible loser.

I will never make it a goal to lose 2 pounds a week!

I finally have learned not to make a goal, New Year's or otherwise, that goes along these lines: I will lose 2 pounds this week. Unless I'm planning to do a Shylock on myself and cut out the fat with a knife, there's no way I can ensure I will lose two pounds this week. (That calories in = calories out stuff works long term if it works at all.)

What I can do is make a goal to eat X amount of calories per day, or walk 5 miles a day, or something along those lines. This scale helps me focus on what I can do, not what I can't.

As luck would have it, Liz the Kind from Healthbolt notified me that I won a pedometer from the Healthbolt Month of Giveaways. So what I'm doing is tracking what I can control, i.e. the number of steps that I take, and not tracking what I can't, i.e. my weight. (Or rather, I'm letting the pedometer track my steps. It's not an English Major; it doesn't mind.)

I've learned from past experience that when I pay too much attention to the numbers on the scale -- the numbers I can't directly control -- I will end up obsessively focusing on them, which is a recipe for frustration, futility, and the F word.

Did you just use the F word?

Yes, the F word: fat.

How does obsessing over your weight make you fat?

If I try to track something I can affect only indirectly, I end up giving up in disgust and moving on to something easy to control, like developing my couch potato skills to a high level of perfection.

My weight shifts up and down like a seasick stock market. Progress, if any, is very gradual. After a few days of using this scale I found I'd lost count, in the back of my mind, as to what exactly my actual weight was. All I knew was whether I was on track or not for that day. And that's exactly what I needed. I was able to tune out the useless worrying about the future or the past and focus on the present day and what I needed to do.

Are there any drawbacks to Mary Lou's scale?

The scale has a cartridge inside it, with pre-programmed messages from Mary Lou Retton. In addition to telling you whether you've gained, lost, or maintained, Mary Lou adds cheerful, perky messages to encourage your progress. I'm sorry, but I don't respond well to perky. I have no doubt that Mary Lou Retton is a wonderful person, but she's pretty damn chipper. Not sure I can take that first thing in the morning.

On the other hand, I'm probably impossible to please in this regard. I mean, a scale that sniggered would be even worse. And I have no doubt that some people will find these messages helpful.

And I think that Mary Lou is aware that this style is not to everyone's taste. The FAQ list mentions that it's okay to swear at the scale, but "the platform is not bulletproof. It will no longer work if you shoot it."

Another drawback might be that the maximum weight capacity for the scale is 330 pounds.

And there's more!

If you leave a comment saying why this review is so much better than Charlotte's or Pasta Queen's review, I'll ~~know you're lying but say thank you anyway~~ let you in on a secret. If you don't win the scale, the kind people at Mary Lou's Weigh have thrown in a promotional deal: if you order the scale from their web site and use the coupon code Crabby50, they'll take 50% off the cost of the scale. Now that's the kind of number I like!

Are there any other English Majors out there? Or number-counters who might want to try a different way to weight loss/maintenance?

Cold Comfort

2009-01-05T06:00:00.000-05:00

Who me? Nah, I don't have a cold.

I take pride in having a powerful, take-no-prisoners immune system. Sure, I used to get colds, back when I was younger, but now I don't. Colds are for lesser mortals, who don't have such a kick-ass disease-fighting abilities.

Bring it on, bugs. I'm ready for ya!

Why yes, I did just blow my nose, but I have allergies. Probably due to the cat I'm not willing to give up, or possibly to the dust I'm too lazy to clean up. (And for anyone curious about the neti pot experiment--nope, it didn't help with the runny nose, and in fact even seemed to make it worse. Think there's much of a market for used neti pots?)

But anyway, a runny nose is normal for me and does not mean I have a cold.

Oh, these cranberry-flavored, Vitamin C-enhanced Ricola lozenges? Well, they're just very tasty, that's all. That's why I've been sucking on them for the last few days.

If I did have a cold, which I do not, I now have some more information about whether I could go to they gym today and work out. The New York Times just ran a helpful article about when you can exercise with a cold and when you should sit it out. Even though I won't need this information personally, I'll be happy to share it with you.

Most of The Time, You CAN Exercise With a Cold

According to some older studies they dug up in the NY Times article, exercising with a cold does not seem to be a big deal.

In one study, researchers infected 45 young adult subjects with a head cold and made them exercise. They concluded: "Having a cold had no effect on either lung function or exercise capacity."

Well, that's great! But unless you're a serious athlete, isn't the real question whether the exercising makes your cold worse? Not whether having a cold makes your exercise performance worse?

Turns out they looked at that too. Researchers started with 34 subjects, gave them all colds, and had half of them just rest. The other half had to run on treadmills. Then every 12 hours, they asked subjects a bunch of (probably annoying) questions about their symptoms and physical activity.

And get this: "The researchers collected the subjects’ used facial tissues, weighing them to assess their cold symptoms." (Career counseling note to self: academic research may sound prestigious and all, but... collecting and weighing other people's snotty Kleenex??)

The bottom line: There was no difference in symptoms between the group that exercised and the one that rested, or in the time it took to recover from the colds. But the exercisers were more likely to say they felt better.

So for those of you who want to go for it even though you have a cold? This is indeed good news! Those of you who were hoping to get let off the hook, read on.

When to Sit it Out

However, the article stressed that these experimental colds were only head colds. They said to use more caution if running a fever or experiencing chest congestion.

And heck, just use common sense--you probably know if you feel way too crappy to work out, no matter where your symptoms may be located.

Back in the olden days, when I used to get colds, I'd mostly still exercise. I always felt like I deserved triple credit though, just on principle.

Back to the Cold I Do Not Have

So why do I take such smug pride in my resistance to the common cold? Well, I wasn't born with a particularly robust immune system, and in fact, I used to catch pretty much any bug that was going around. But over the past decade or so, I've been getting better about eating all the right stuff--plenty of fruits and veggies and garlic and green tea and fish oil pills and whatever the heck the experts are recommending this week. I get lots of sleep and exercise. So I feel like my not catching colds is a hard-earned badge of my (mostly) healthy habits. (I even dodged the stomach flu last week when the poor Lobster got hit, and I ALWAYS used to be the first one to get stomach flu.)

Still, it's curious. What's the deal with the sore throat I had a couple days ago? And the coughing and congestion at night? Oh, and my voice: it's hard not to notice that it's been steadily descending in pitch. First it just went down to a kinda-sexy Suzanne Pleshette, then further down to Lauren Bacall, past even Bea Arthur, and now it's settled in the James Earl Jones range.

Could it be?

Hmm.

Nah, not me. I don't get colds anymore.

How about you folks, do you have awesome immune systems or do you catch whatever comes around? Do you exercise when you have a cold?

How to Keep Your New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-02T06:30:00.001-05:00

Are you currently working on some freshly-minted, sweet-smelling, sparkly, shiny, still-unbroken New Years Resolutions? Or have you instead just dusted off some cruddy, tarnished, shabby Old Years Resolutions?

Whatever! You don't even need a resolution to play; just a desire to keep slogging away at some sort of health and fitness self-improvement goal.

So here are some tips for keeping your resolutions that have worked for me! And by "worked" I mean I'm totally lying. None of these have kept me from breaking every New Year's Resolution I've ever made. But these tips "work" in the sense that now, if I'm feeling optimistic enough to even make a resolution, it takes me way longer to break it and I don't fail quite as abysmally as I used to before!

Sound encouraging? Welcome to Cranky Fitness!

(Regular readers may notice that many of these tips have already appeared on the blog in one form or another. But since ~~I've completely run out of interesting things to say,~~ new readers may have accidentally googled here seeking inspiration for their health and fitness goals, I thought it was time for a reminder!

So anyway, here are some tricks I find helpful when it comes to goals or resolutions:

1. Don't set yourself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Ever hear people make resolutions like: "I'm gonna stop getting so irritated with my kids and I'll never yell at them again!" "I'm going to start running this year and finish my first marathon!" "I'm going to lose 50 pounds in six months!" And you're thinking, yeah sure, and I'm gonna sprout wings and fly to London and have tea and crumpets with the Queen.

For me, it works best to pick more realistic goals: I'm going to cut down on gratuitous desserts--After all, I don't really need them after breakfast.

icanhascheezburger

2. Write Stuff Down. Not forever, but when you're in the early, serious phases of working towards a goal. As we've mentioned before: writing things down is a pain in the ass but it works. Whether you're charting calories eaten, miles run, charitable acts performed, pages written towards your novel, money saved towards your financial goals or whatever--keeping some sort of record will keep you honest and can even be weirdly addictive and rewarding. (Until you get so sick of it you want to flush your cute little journal down the toilet.)

3. Expect to slip up. You will! "Broken" resolutions can usually be glued back together. Looking back a year from now, your success will probably have much more to do with how you dealt with your inevitable failures--and very little to do with how long you lasted until you screwed up.

4. Build up your resistance muscle. So this was a new one for me, but I found it a very helpful concept. We had an interview with Dr. Judith Beck, and in in talking about resisting unplanned temptations she said:

"Tell yourself: 'If I resist, I’ll build up my resistance muscle, which makes it more likely that the next time I’ll resist and the time after that and the time after that. The truth is that every bite matters; it’s not just the calories, it’s the habit.'"

Now at the time, I actually thought this tip sounded kinda corny. (Sorry, Judith.) But then I found myself using it! It really is a good reminder of how the habit itself is more important than the actual food you ate or exercise you got. The best part? You can give yourself "credit" (and can therefore feel smug) every time you resist a temptation--even if you're resisting the same damn leftover slice of pie 14 times in one afternoon. You might still eat the pie later, when you've planned for it, but in the meantime you've really worked out that "resistance muscle" and made it stronger.

(And for more on Judith Beck and Cognitive Therapy, make sure to check out Charlotte's helpful post over at The Great Fitness Experiment.)

5. Get concrete and specific about consequences. Often I just go around with a vague notion that exercise is good, watching portion size is smart, and that healthy meals are better for me than junk. But sometimes, when willpower is lacking, it helps to get more specific. How many Extra Miles on the treadmill will that Extra Value Meal cost? Picture yourself having to walk or run those miles before you decide to indulge. And then, if you decide to skip the trip to Mickey D's or the Colonel's place, it's almost like getting credit for those miles without ever taking a step!

I also like to picture the healthy food I eat and the exercise I get making all kinds of great changes in my body: building muscle and fighting off scary diseases and helping me sleep better and keeping my heart and lungs and bones and brains in top working order. I imagine myself growing younger instead of older every time I do something healthy. While this may not be entirely accurate, it's quite motivational!

6. Keep in mind that your sticking to your resolution probably won't suck this much forever. I always see people citing studies about the exact number of weeks it take to turn a new healthy behavior into a "habit." Really? I can't help thinking it's gotta vary a lot depending on the person, and on how unpleasant the new behavior feels. How long would it take me to make a habit out of riding an exercise bike every morning? About a thousand years, because I hate exercise bikes! But if some new study comes out saying: We Were All Wrong; You Must Eat French Pastries for Breakfast--well, that habit is not going to take weeks to instill.

But however long it takes, if the change you're trying to make is realistic and only slightly obnoxious, it really might feel like no big deal at all in a couple months. Give it enough of a shot to see if it gets better before you decide to give up.

7. Find People Who Will Support and Encourage You in Your Goal: Depending on where you live and who you hang out with, it can be a much harder struggle to stick to your guns if no one around you "gets it." This is part of what makes Weight Watcher's helpful for many folks.

And if you are relatively new to the online health world, may we suggest you spend some time clicking on links to the many health and fitness and weight-loss blogs and online forums out there? Explore for a bit and you may find a whole community of like-minded folks. I know I've been spurred on to break out of workout slumps by visiting some of the many awesome bloggers who comment here. And you can find great recipes, exercise tips, and all kinds of practical help. (Just don't spend every spare minute sitting on your butt in front of the computer--this could be counter-productive!)

8. Don't make New Year's Resolutions! It's the easiest way I've ever found not to break them.

So do any of you make health and fitness resolutions? Any good advice on how to keep them?

2009: The Cranky Fitness Predictions

2009-01-01T05:57:00.014-05:00

Good morning! Gosh you look chipper today. I like that outfit. And I'm impressed that you're able to remain vertical after all that wild celebrating last night.

Oh all right. I'll stop with the Chipper stuff. It's Crabby's fault, anyway. If she's going to devote extra effort to being both funny and anti-cheerful, then dang it, what's a girl to do?

Did you leap last night? Turns out that 2008 was a leap year in more ways than one. Not only did we have a leap day, we had a leap second. Whoever keeps track of these things added on an additional second to keep clocks running accurately. Damn, but I'm glad that's not my job. Have enough trouble making sure the batteries are up-to-date in the smoke alarms.

Ever since Carnac the Magnificent retired, there's been a dearth of really ~~silly~~ fun psychics.

So I've decided to fill in until one comes along. Here are the predictions of Merry the Magnificent (TM) for 2009:

________________________________
**** Drum roll, please *****
***And may I request silence from the audience?***
***Okay, let me rephrase that, can I actually get silence here, please?***
***Sheesh, audiences these days, really ...***
___________________________________

I predict that...

Bossy, of iambossy.com fame, will start up a blog about the daily life of a cow, titled iambessie.com.

Fit Bottomed Girls will slip up and include some upper body exercises on their blog, causing an outcry and accusations of misrepresentation. Due to pressure from nasty lawyers, they will be forced to change the blog name to Fit All Over Girls.

Due to the effects of inflation, 101 Exercises will end up renaming her blog 1,001 Exercises.

Dr. J will overdo the Special K while watching the L Word and as a result will, by the Alphabetical Law of Inevitability, turn into the new M.

Mizfit will branch out into her own line of fun play equipment for children. Her enterprise will become a fabulous success, Toys 'R Us will devote a whole section to her goods, and people will flock to the aisle of Mizfit Toys.

Crabby will discover a brand of cupcakes that helps heal cranky knees, so she can run more.

Merry will get back into long-distance bicycling, so she can drive less.

If any of these things happen, please remember you read it here first.

Also, if anyone reading this happens to possess psychic powers, could you add a few more predictions in the comments? I'd love to find out more about what's going to happen this year.

New Year's Eve: Have Fun! (Or Not).

2008-12-31T06:00:00.005-05:00

Keeping an Eye on the Clock Tonight?
Flickr photo credit

Let's finish out the year at Cranky Fitness with a post that's a little bit Cranky, shall we?

What with Merry Sunshine spreading optimism and cheer and brightening up the blog with Reindogs and such, it's time for some balance! Yep, the Crab half of the blog is overdue to crawl out from under its favorite rock, snap its claws a few times, and supply the requisite grousing.

Sure, I could try to be helpful and make suggestions as to how to have a safe, sane, and sensible New Years Eve, but what fun is that?

Instead, let's address a more fundamental question:

New Year's Eve: Best Night of the Year, or Holiday from Hell?

It all depends on your perspective, I suppose. Some people love New Year's Eve! They always have a grand time no matter what. I don't know any these people myself, but I do know they exist. Because every year the newscasters interview folks in Times Square who are freezing their asses off, waiting around in a crowd full of drunken strangers for some stupid ball to drop, and they all claim they are having an absolute blast and that it's the highlight of their entire year! Go figure.

What's my take on New Years Eve? Well, I think it's overrated. But even crabby types can find a few positive things to say about it:

So What's Good About New Year's Eve?

1. It's a late-night celebration that comes specially equipped with it's own day off to recover from it. Because the only real point to New Year's day is to do... nothing! Sure, for some, there is football to watch. Or if you're a shopper, there are sometimes super-discounted one-day sales to go to. (A great option for those of you who have always wanted to be chased by angry bulls in Pamplona but find yourself short on airfare). But for most folks, New Year's Day is a holiday without any holiday obligations. There are no presents to buy, eggs to hide, costumes to don, or anything else you have to do but nap on the couch.

2. There are sometimes fireworks.

(Personally, I think I'll wait for a warm evening in July to watch fireworks).

3. New Year's Eve comes a week after Christmas. Why is this handy? Well, by then many people have totally overdosed on the whole Sentimental, Wholesome Family Togetherness thing. It's the perfect time time for a rowdy, naughty, late-night, adult holiday! If there is ever a time and place for drinking too much, staying out too late, flirting with or even hooking up with someone inappropriate who will not remember who you are the next morning--New Year's Eve is the night for it.

4. New Year's Eve is a great Resolution motivator. If you were planning to tackle a bunch of tough resolutions requiring you to get tons of punishing exercise and refrain from any fun indulgences, then going way too nuts on New Year's Eve is a great send-off. With any luck, you can stockpile enough guilt and self-loathing to power right through the first day or two of the New Improved You! (After that, you're probably on your own again.)

5. How sad is it that I can't even think of Five Good things? Oh wait. Champagne is very tasty. There we go!

What's Lame About New Year's Eve?

1. There is nothing all that exciting about the pinnacle of the New Year's Eve celebration: Wow, the clock goes from 11:59 to 12:00! Yes, there are the obligatory screams of "Happy New Year," and the sound of those weird horns outside that people always seem to blow (you know the ones, they sound kind of like walrus mating calls). Otherwise, it's pretty much the same thing as a clock going from 2: 16 to 2:17 p.m. People seem to get all excited and invest a bunch of significance in it, but I've never managed to care much and always have to fake it. Anyone else?

A notable exception: if midnight comes and you get a passionate and unexpected kiss from someone you fancy, that's pretty awesome. But that would be awesome any night of the year! You do not need to be at a party wearing a silly hat to enjoy that scenario.

2. You're supposed to stay up at least until midnight in order to celebrate New Year's Eve. (I know, you young folks are saying to yourself, so what? But just give it a few decades...) Actually, midnight won't do it either, since it's considered poor form to brush and floss your teeth, put on your pajamas and go to sleep in the middle of a party, whether it's your own or someone else's.

3. Got babysitter? I haven't had to deal with this one personally. But I imagine if you've got kids and you found yourself invited to an Adult party that actually sounded like fun--what a terribly convenient thing that everyone else in the entire world needs a sitter the same night!

4. Drunk people drive on New Years Eve. Be very, very afraid.

5. There is way too much pressure to "do something" or "be somewhere." If you don't have anywhere to go on New Year's Eve, there is often the fear of being seen as a loser. Oddly enough, even people who don't want to go to out can still end up feeling self-conscious about enjoying a perfectly pleasant evening at home.

Are you are one of those people feeling pressure to find something to do? Cranky Fitness (noted authority on matters of Coolness, Lameness, and Threats to Self-Esteem) hereby declares:

Staying home and Not Doing Anything Special on New Year's Eve does not make you a Loser; it is instead a sign of Mature Self-Confidence.

So it's official! Grab a good book, slip in to your slanket, hunker down in your most comfortable chair or couch--and enjoy your New Year's Eve!

So what will the Crab be doing tonight?

There are two possible scenarios. First, the fun scenario:

1. This post was pre-written and she is already off with the Lobster camping somewhere on the coast of Northern California. They will enjoy a bit of champagne and will no doubt turn out the lights well before midnight.

The Not So Fun Scenario:

2. As I write this a few days before our scheduled departure, the poor Lobster is sick with the stomach flu. It is so sad to watch a loved one suffer a nasty bug! She is starting to get better (hooray!) but...

Unfortunately, the only type of virus I ever seem to catch is, you guessed it, the stomach flu. If so, my New Year's eve celebration might be taking place in the fetal position, curled up next to the toilet. This makes that whole freezing-ass Times Square Ball-Drop thing suddenly sound like a lot more fun!

So have a great New Year's Eve, however you choose to celebrate it (or not).

And what do you guys like or hate about New Years Eve?

The Best of Cranky Fitness

2008-12-30T04:23:00.005-05:00

It was the best of posts, it was the worst of posts... Okay, maybe not the 'worst' of posts.

I'm feeling all traditional today. Since this is the Sixth Day of Christmas, I was expecting a gift from my true love, but unfortunately he seems to have his eye on someone else.

Hugh? That camel's just not into you. Trust me.

Leaving aside the question of my love life, the other year-end tradition that I'd like to observe is the usual Best Of feature.

I asked Crabby for her favorite blog posts, and combined her list with my own. Turns out that we both chose posts that for the most part weren't in the Typical Crankiness column on the left-hand side. There are some fun things in here -- this is the kind of research that I like to do!

In no particular order, here are our Ten Best Posts of 2008:

Why can't you stick to your plan? -- well, maybe there is a particular order, at least as far as this particular post is concerned. I think this is about the best post Crabby's written. Yes, I know I'm cheating here, since this one is in the Typical Crankiness column, but for some reason, this post about feeling entitled to slack off and pig out hit a nerve.

The Flat Belly diet -- Crabby vs. Prevention magazine. Another classic.

The Lazy Woman's Guide to a Healthy Diet -- Who needs Prevention magazine when you could have weight-loss assistance from ... Enrique?

This wasn't really a diet post, honest. I just titled it The Okefenokee Diet to get people's attention. It was a cheap trick, and I'm very, very sorry. Sort of.

Tortoises and barbells -- Tips for Slackers on Keeping Up a Life-long Strength Training Program.

Advice for the Out of Shape Hiker -- Turns out there are other O.O.S.H.s out there. We should form a union.

Fanning the flames at the gym -- I love the way Crabby can take an annoying incident at the gym and turn it into a post that makes me laugh and ponder human nature at the same time.

I think Crabby should've charged an entrance fee for people to read this one: Secrets to Success Revealed!

And it's silly, but I have a fond memory of Skanky Fitness. Though I would like to apologize to all those people who searched Google for pole dancing peep shows and landed on this post. Which is a parody. Really. Sorry guys.

The other classic post along those lines was the Porn for Women post. Shocking to see so many fantasies summed up so concisely.

Each of these posts were chosen by the highly scientific criterion of WLI (We Liked It). Were there some that we missed that should have been on the list? Please let us know.

Boyfriends and Husbands: Health Hazards?

2008-12-29T06:30:00.010-05:00

However Can A Gal Resist?
Photo: Plan59

Talk about a subject I know very little about.

But has my complete ignorance ever stopped my from blogging about a topic before? Of course not!

As I have a same-sex spouse, I'd been only vaguely aware of the impact that having a boyfriend or husband could have on a woman's efforts to meet her health and fitness goals.

However, I recently got a chance to peruse a book by Jenna Bergen, called: "Your Big Fat Boyfriend: How to Stay Thin When Dating a Diet Disaster." It's a cute little volume, sort of gifty-sized, combining humor with practical tips for how to stick to your own goals while dating a guy with a terrible diet. (And if you click on the link above, it comes complete with a blog.)

How clueless am I? It never occurred to me that heterosexual dating and relationships could pose such a health hazard! Or at least, according to the book, a dieting hazard. But I tend to mentally translate words like "diet" or "weight loss" into my own goals: "eating healthy" and "getting exercise," since they involve similar challenges.

So while I have a few general thoughts, I thought I'd take the issue to the smart readers of Cranky Fitness, many of whom are real live heterosexuals with actual experience in these matters. Are guys a Help or a Hazard when it comes to women's health and fitness goals?

But first, who is Jenna Bergen? Well, she's a fitness fiend and a writer whose articles have appeared in lots of great magazines. Including an article in Women's Health that mentioned Cranky Fitness--so we like Jenna 'round these parts.

She's got lots of practical tips for dealing with the phenomena that many women apparently experience: they fall for guys who are "diet disasters." (Her boyfriend, for example, went blithely through his adult life thinking that number of recommended calories a day was 20,000.) One of the fundamental messages of the book: if you are a woman, "you can't eat like a man and still fit in your pants."

Having any kind of romantic partner, male or female, can be a strong influence on behavior. (I bet there are studies, and I could look 'em up, but really, does anyone dispute this?)

This influence can be quite positive! I went from a cheeseburger-scarfing meat hog to a near-vegetarian in my early twenties, because my girlfriend at the time was a vegetarian. I learned to enjoy tofu and bean sprouts and kefir and all kinds of "exotic" (for back then) food that I never would have even tried if I'd been with someone more like myself.

And, even now, I can't stand not working out if the Lobster is heading off to the gym, even if I'd already given myself the day off. It just doesn't feel right to be slothful while someone else is sweating. So that's good, right?

But, on the negative side, I also find it extremely difficult to pass up an ice cream cone if the Lobster is having one. Suddenly, I feel entitled to that cone, even if ice cream had been the furthest thing from my mind. (Note: this is just an expression! There is never a time when Delicious Food is the furthest thing from my mind. What about quantum physics, or pre-cambrian flying insects, or Scandinavian love poetry? There is always something further from my mind than food.)

Ever fritter away some time people-watching at an airport or a mall, and notice how frequently couples end up roughly the same size? Do people choose partners who look like them, or do they influence each other into gaining or not gaining weight together? A bit of both, I suspect.

However, I do wonder whether the whole boy/girl thing does complicate matters for women.

I can kind of see how it might be a challenge dating or marrying one of those XY types who can eat an entire extra large pizza in one sitting. Or who can, if motivated, can get slim and buffed in a fraction of the time it takes an XX due to the wonders of testosterone. Or who, if not motivated, doesn't really give a damn what he looks like in a bathing suit.

And is it just a stereotype that women are generally more interested in preventive health than men? It sure seems like one gender is more likely to scrutinize food labels and make appointments for checkups than the other.

My own intuitive guess is that I'd have a harder time sticking to my healthy-eating goals if I were with a guy than with a gal. If he could have a double cheeseburger, I'd want one too.

But wait! Here's a curious fact: Compared to straight women, lesbians are more than twice as likely to be obese. So while being with a guy may seem like a challenge to healthy eating, maybe his guyness is not really the issue?

This brings up the question: why do lesbians get fat? This study said for the same reasons straight women do, which wasn't much help.

Personally, I think on average, lesbians care far less about looking like the current cultural and media ideal--ultra feminine and super skinny. (In the age of The L-Word, I know it may be shocking to hear that many of us gay gals are still old-school and have entirely different standards of attractiveness than straight folks do!) But in rejecting these images as irrelevant, many lesbians also lose the powerful weight-loss motivation that comes with appearance-based goals.

So now I'm more confused than ever. It sure seems like being with a guy could present some healthy-eating challenges--what do you folks find? And if you have one of those exotic opposite-sex partners, what accommodations do you make to stay healthy?

Have a Merry AND Crabby Christmas!

2008-12-25T05:36:00.004-05:00

My Christmas list included peace on earth, goodwill among men, and a pony of my very own, but I'm probably going to have to settle for a basket of bath salts and some goofy reindeer socks. Hope your holidays are happy wherever you are and whatever you celebrate.

The Cranky Fitness Reindog wants to say:

Merry Christmas
Happy Hanukkah
Good Yule
Joyous Solstice
Good Festivus
Happy Kwanzaa
Happy New Year
and an Excellent Epiphany to you all!

And to all a good night

"There had better be a treat involved in this somewhere," Tanji thinks to herself.

Christmas Eve, Blender Winners, and Poetry

2008-12-24T09:49:00.000-05:00

Photo credit: Plan 59

On the night before Christmas
Cranky Fitness went quiet.
No posts about fitness,
Or improving your diet.

The Crab must confess
She's a holiday shirker.
But y'all knew already,
She's not much of a worker.

Is she off buying presents,
Instead of manning the blog?
Busy trimming the tree?
Or just sneaking egg-nog?

Thinking further ahead,
She could've penned enough prose
To plan for the holidays.
But whoops! That's how it goes.

For bloggers have families,
After all, 'tis the season.
Crabby hates to be missing,
But she's gone for a reason.

Please have a great Christmas
If it's a holiday for you,
Or if not, let this Thursday,
Be an awesome day too!

********************************

Oh dear. There's a reason I leave the poetry to our creative readers instead of attempting it myself!

And speaking of which, no, I haven't forgotten to announce the two winners of the Vita-Mix Blenders.

The random winner was: Lillian's Mom.

And the Poetry/Haiku winner was Liz Turtle!

Here was her entry:

Lite margarita
Splenda, lime, and self-pity
Martyr's bitter cup!

There were SO many great poems and haikus it was hard to narrow it down to three. Here are just some of the finalists I chose from to get the final three, which I then handed off to the Random Number Generator. But there were many, many, other worthy contenders. It really frustrates me that we can't give a humongous prize to all the great poets out there! Do go back to the poetry contest post to check out the rest.

Here are just a few of the many clever entries that readers submitted:

Rhymey Poems:

Here is my best answer.
I read those cure cancer.
--POD

Blender, blender whirring might,
in the kitchens day and night
what eager cooking with hand and eye
could master thy fearful energy?
--erika

O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How many are your functions!
You give me lovely smoothies bright,
To tempt and please my appetite.
O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How many are your functions!

O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How grand are your concoctions!
With yummy soups and ice cream fun,
You really can please anyone.
O VitaMix! O VitaMix!
How grand are your concoctions!
--Messymimi

This Vita-Mix giveaway's splendid
But the outcome may be unintended
Because if I won
The blades would be spun
'Til each thing that I own had been blended
--Blenderific

We're not a blended nation,
And never shall we be.
At best, we're individuals
Who work towards unity.

Just look at Cranky Fitness:
There's happy Merry Sunshine--
On the other hand, there's Crabby-
And all SHE does is WHINE.

But her whining is SO CHARMING :-)
I'll cherish and defend her.
Why sucking up so much, you ask?

I SURE DO WANT THIS BLENDER!
--Ruth

Monica went on a bender
Put everything into her blender
Went one step too far
With puree of new car
But relished her relish of fender
--BettyG

Heck yeah, I need me that blender!
Two months I'd be nothing but slender.
A frenzy of smoothies -
It would all be so groovy!
And without even being a big spender!
--Adora

Oh Vita-mix, Oh Vita-mix,
How I want to win thee!

Oh Vita-mix, Oh Vita-mix,
Please Crabby pick me!

You'll crush my ice,
You'll kneed my dough.
I'll use you twice,
A day you know!

Oh Vita-mix, Oh Vita-mix,
How I want to win thee!
--Sherri

Mixes fast, mixes well.
Will I win it? None can tell.
If I do, I will not sell.
Those who lost can go to ...
Vitamix
--Nick

Haikus:

Made some fudge; got soup.
Recipe said five ounce can milk,
Not fourteen ounce. Damn.
-- Jackie B

Purring like a kitten,
Or roaring like a lion in heat,
Wish I had a Vita-Mix!
--Leslie

The cookies are burned
I need to be supervised
This habit costs lots.
--Sagan

I last blended soup
And sadly melted my hand
Now, my blender sleeps.
--Brianne

My Vitamix brings
All the boys to the yard, so
Suck on that, milkshake
--Sarah

Yesterday with old blender
Strawberry explosion
Cleaning now is endless
--Nina

Making smooth soup is
Easier if the blender
Still has a bottom.
--Sarah

A summer yard sale
Vitamix calling to me
Woe. I didn't hear.
--Andrea

Slayer of blenders
Three have fallen before me
Stop me, Vita Mix
--Smoni Smo

blue margarita
like absent sun in winter
blender to rescue
--Elizabeth

Thank you, all who entered!

Lillian's mom and Liz Turtle, please email us at Crabby McSlacker at gmail dot com with your name and mailing address by midnight EST of January 2nd to claim your prize.

Thanks everyone for your wonderful poems on a tough topic--I laughed out loud too many times to count.

And have a great holiday or a great rest of the week! Peace and Joy and All kinds of good stuff to you and your loved ones. Cranky Fitness readers are THE BEST.