September 17, 2012

On Being a Quitter

I was originally going to title this: "Dead Horses... When to Stop Beating Them."

But then I thought, do I really want to encourage people who are googling "dead horses" to find us here, where we prefer our horsies not dead and, in fact, frisky and rarin' to go? Oh, and sporting wings if possible.


Plus I also wanted to offer a nod over in Rick Hanson's direction, since he's a constant source inspiration, and watching one of his recent "Just One Minute" videos on accepting the limits of your influence was the impetus for this post.  Plus Rick is moderating what looks to be a very cool, FREE online seminar in October called The Compassionate Brain and I wanted to let folks know about it.  And then I thought, sheesh, would Rick really want to be found in the company of dead, depressing, and possibly rotting and smelly horse corpses when he could be in a post about the joys of being a quitter instead?  Oh wait... that doesn't sound much better, does it?  But hell, coming this blog, it could be a lot worse.

This post also contains an Exciting and Totally Premature Announcement, which I will most likely regret but what the hell.

First up, the Announcement!

Looks like Cranky Fitness is going to become the basis of a series of ebooks!

And don't worry, we're talking relatively cheap ebooks.  Some material will be new, and some of it old dusty stuff from the archives, but carefully chopped up and updated polished and all new and shiny again!  If you're a recent follower of this blog, you won't have seen the older posts. And if you're a long-time reader, you'd have to be one who eats a crapload of blueberries and has a fantastic memory for any of it to ring a bell, so you're good too.

The first ebook, focusing on exercise, is in the works as we speak and should come out before too long.  I am partnering with a publisher, yay!  But then I've had flirtations with publishers before... thus the caveat that this could all go down the toilet at the last minute.

On the other hand, even if said publisher suddenly realizes what a half-assed health blog this is and changes its mind, there is still going to be a series of ebooks!  Once I've finished the damn thing, I'll go the self-publishing route if I have to, which has gotten a lot more approachable and inexpensive since I last looked into it.  But so far, it's looking good.

Okay, now back to the topic at hand, which, in a tortured way, is actually related.


Figuring out Whether, When, and How To Quit Something

So how do you know when it's time to toss in the towel something you've invested a lot of time in?  It could be a competitive sport or an exercise activity, a particular diet plan, a relationship, a job, a house, a blog, a child... oh wait, you're kinda stuck with that last one.

And what if a losing investment has nonetheless become part of your identity?  Who are you if you're no longer a... marathoner, or a lawyer, or a wife, or a llama breeder, or a vegan, or whatever?  Tough stuff.

(And why am I even offering advice when these questions are so personal?  'Cause that's what I seem to be doing a lot of lately!  I've discovered that climbing on a soap box and solving imaginary problems is not only an increasingly seductive side-effect of reaching middle-age, but it's way easier than doing actual health research.  Though, um, there'll definitely be some of that in the eBook! Also, who better than a McSlacker to offer tips on quitting? I've quit so damn many things in my life that I should have a PhD in it.  And I've discovered there are some tricks to it). 

So in my mind there are two distinct categories:

1. No-Brainers

These are things you know, at both an intellectual and an emotional level, aren't working for you any more.  Perhaps they're bad habits or addictions, abusive relationships, insanely stressful work situations, cults that require increasingly weird and embarrassing rituals, whatever.

In this case, your obstacles are less about deciding the right course of action, and more about moving from Prochaska's "Pre-contemplation" stage, to McSlacker's "Whew, I kicked ass and moved on and why didn't I do that sooner!" stage.

There is a whole freakin' library of books on how to overcome addictions or otherwise change something that's not working, so I'll just pass on a few basic suggestions and urge you to look further than one section of a post at an extremely silly blog.

  • Be mindful and gentle with yourself throughout the process--self-criticism is counterproductive and fosters denial. Setbacks are common and human. Perfection is an impossible and pointless quest!
  • Seek support.  Seriously, don't try to go it alone. Support can be confidential and customized to your level of comfort with "sharing," which has been put in quotation marks especially for those of you who find the whole concept of it kinda barfy.
  • Spend a lot of time thinking of a positive vision of your glorious post-change future.   Make it vivid!  You can embellish it with unicorns and multi-colored friendly dragons and waterfalls if that helps. And know that with every small positive decision you make or action you take, you are getting closer.
  • Get practical about logistical obstacles and take care of as many as you can beforehand to make the actual change as easy as possible.
Ok, that's it. Now get thee to a counselor or other professional, a support group, a self-help aisle at a bookstore, a friend, or at least visit Dr. Google who probably has plenty more resources.

2. Stuff You're Not Sure You Want to Ditch

This is a different issue--you've got something in your life with a lot of positives!  But you're not sure if the time and energy you're putting in are worth it.  Yet you've already invested so much, how can you just let it go and feel like a loser for hanging on for so long?

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
  • Has the issue of wanting to quit come up a lot, over a long period of time? Or is it recent?
  • Just how sucky does thinking about your commitment make you feel? Just a little, or massively sucky?
  • Are you the sort of person who generally perseveres, or do you flit from thing to thing?  If your usual pattern is to stick with things too long, you may want to look at that. On the other hand, if you get discouraged easily and tend to give up on things too soon, would a bit more patience be a good idea before you make a decision?
  • What aspect of the activity or situation bothers you the most, and is it worth figuring out ways to make that particular piece less awful?
  • Have you tried figuring out ways to decrease your time investment incrementally or temporarily without losing everything all at once?  Sometimes situations that seem black and white at first, "quitting" vs "sticking it out" -- can have some in-between space if you look for it.
  • Have you tried actually writing out some pros and cons to quitting? What would you lose? What would you gain?
  • Do you have a good sense of intuition, and if so, what does your gut say?
  • What does this commitment mean for you ultimately?  Is it about accomplishment, loyalty, self-esteem, etc?  Are there other ways to get at the same thing that are less costly?
And if after you've asked yourself these questions, it's becoming clear you want to move on, here are yet two more pieces of advice:

1. Leave the door cracked open a bit if possible.

Try using words like "hiatus," "leave," "break," "sabbatical," "separation" or others that hint of a possible return, even if it doesn't seem practical or likely.  It can ease ambivalence about leaving, even if you're pretty sure it's permanent.  Plus, sometimes things change!

I said goodbye to Cranky Fitness back in the beginning of 2010, with no plans to return. I had tried to turn it into a part time job, but alas, couldn't get quite enough ad revenue to swing it.  But I left the blog up, and checked back in every quarter or so with an update... just in case.  Then after a year and a half (an eternity in blog time) I missed it too much.  Cranky Fitness commenters, especially. You guys rock! Plus I'd reinvented myself as a Life Coach and figured it might make sense to use Cranky Fitness to let people know about that.  Quitting back in 2010 was totally the right thing to do! And yet, so was returning. But both were made easier by the fact that I left that door open a crack.

(Observant readers may also recall that I started a companion blog a few months back, "Cranky Enlightenment" and then changed my mind and decided to deal with personal growth stuff here instead.  But... I used the word "hiatus" over there, even though I'm not posting.  Just sayin'.  You never know!)

2. Have no regrets 

One of the biggest obstacles to quitting is that it seems to turn something from an "ongoing quest" into "a bit fat honking acknowledgement of wasted time." Getting over this notion is tremendously liberating.

Because here's the thing, and the older I get, the more positive I am that it's true:

Nothing is ever wasted.

Or, more accurately, some things may well have been a waste, but there is no possible way to ever know which things those were while you're still alive and breathing. So there's no use beating yourself up for something that seems like it wasn't a good idea.

Even what appear to be the most awful, pointless, dumb-ass situations have often either been crucial learning experiences in my life, or have led to meeting wonderful people or taking advantage of amazing things later that could never have happened without the crappy thing.  But sometimes it takes years to for it to happen!  And some cherished past accomplishments may have felt great at the time, but these may well have been diversions from an even greater opportunity, or may have set in motion things that eventually sucked big time. Who knows?

Did I regret all the time I'd spent on Cranky Fitness the day I quit?  You betcha!  Do I regret it now? Not one bit.  Life is weird that way.

So what about you guys, anything you're thinking of quitting?  Had any good or bad experiences with quitting?

Pegasus image by: Taltan

34 comments:

  1. Wonderful writing as always, Crabby! I hope your ebook venture goes well for you.

    But to the topic, I have no doubt that very successful people seem to know when to quit wasting time on a useless dead end voyage. I hate that Thomas Edison example of failure. In my opinion, he just invented a lot of poorly functioning light bulbs before the good light went on and on and on, so to speak :-)

    I've seen too many people who hold on to stuff way too long. Of course one of the advantages of ADHD is that has never been a problem for me, lol!

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    1. Hey great reframe on the adhd--a great preventive measure from sticking with bad investments too long!

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  2. Very exciting about the E-publishing. Go you! As to quitting: oh hell yeah. I walk away from what doesn't work for me all the time. I have from time to time stuck things out simply to see what it was like. It's all experience and experience is always good, even if the good bit is the story you get to tell on yourself later.

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    1. Ah, the "good story" thing, that's another great reason to think no experience is ever wasted--particularly the hilariously bad ones!

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  3. Wow and thanks so much for all of this! You write so humorously, yet eloquently and compassionately about this aspect of life - which I think is "growth", right? I mean - doesn't it mean you're flexible if you can change your mind or look at something differently once in a while? Anyway - you offer a ton of great encouragement here. Thanks!!!
    PS - your ebooks are gonna be a terrific success!!!!!

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    1. Hey thanks Anon!

      And yeah, "growth"-- what a better way to say "quitting!"

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  4. It does take time to see how good came out of things you had to quit, or things that seemed awful at the time.

    It reminds me of how the practice of medicine changes. A person in medical school today will learn things that will be proven untrue or will become useless, but the teachers don't yet know what those things will be.

    Can't wait to see those ebooks!

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    1. I hadn't thought of that when it came to medicine, and can I just say that creeps me out a bit? Doctors are supposed to know everything! But just one look at all the conflicting health and medical studies that come out every day makes you realize how much of the stuff they "know" is totally a crapshoot.

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  5. Speaking of...I haven't forgotten about that other writing thing. I'm about halfway through it. Love.it. (Sorry I haven't been faster...it loses in the 15 minutes before bed reading competition because it's digital. Guess maybe I should just kill a few trees and print it. Because it's been sitting on my desktop for way too long.)

    Back to read the post. Just didn't want you to think I'd forgotten (or hated) it.

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    1. Oh goodness, I'd forgotten I'd given that to you, please no worries! The fact that beta readers so rarely have made it to the finish line tells me what I need to know about the novel, and kinda validates my going with shorter eBooks. But thank for trying!

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  6. Ebooks! Yay!
    Knowing when to quit is so important. I've never had a problem quitting things I didn't like just because other people thought I should try them longer, but quitting things I like that aren't working for me--like driving two hours a day seven days a week so I could continue to live in the country--is much much harder.

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

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    1. That was a tough transition, but look at you, you pulled it off. And I suspect you'll find lots to love about your new situation!

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  7. COngrats on the ebooks - it will happen!!!

    As for this post - a great one & wow, really needed right now as you know... THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. Hey thanks Jody! And I know you're in the process of making some tough decisions along these lines... I bet whatever you do you will make a success of it, whether it's sticking with what you've been doing or moving on to something new!

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  8. This one is a keeper. Thank you! Yes, sometimes we don't know til much later, if at all, that something had good lessons embedded in the agony. I often look back at a particularly tragic period in my life and reflect that I wouldn't have met my husband if I hadn't gone through that. And that would have been an even worse tragedy. Reframing helps. I don't often comment, Crabby, but I am always glad to see your posts in my in-box. Best wishes on the e-book.

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    1. Aw, thanks Laura! So glad to hear than even a really awful part of your life led to something so wonderful. Can't think of a better gift from the universe than a wonderful marriage. And thanks for the good wishes on the ebook... fingers crossed!

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  9. Wow...ebooks, you are getting kind of fancy now. I am going to order some, and then go to your ebook signing and 'reading' and then tell everyone we are friends because that's how I roll...signature on ebook=BFF's.

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    1. Hey, I'd be honored to be a blog BFF! Will sign and will try not to spill too many virtual cupcake crumbs all over the page. :)

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  10. My mama didn't raise no quitters! That said, there are many things that I should quit... *ahem*... and this helps. Thanks.
    Congratulations on the ebooks! Might even force me into figuring out how to get me some of them.

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    1. Bag Lady, I'm betting when you're ready to make a heart-felt commitment to quitting *ahem*, you will kick *ahems* ass. OK, it may take a try or too, but eventually you'll prevail, no if's ands or, um, butts.

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  11. Congratulations on the ebooks. Great posts. I'm trying to figure out what to let go of. And trying to be be kind to myself.

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    1. Thanks Kathy, and yeah, be kind to yourself! You deserve kindness, dontcha think? Good luck with any letting go that you end up deciding to do.

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  12. I will never quit my couch-azzing. It's never even been a thought that entered my mind. Pro couch-azzers, UNITE!!!

    The Pegasus horse used to visit me as a child. If you look real close in that picture, you'd see the 5-year-old Josie is hiding behind his left wing.

    eBooks? Bring it on, baby.

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    1. Ooh, you had your own personal Pegasus come visit? Let's hope he returns, that sounds pretty damn cool. And enjoy your couch-azzing!

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  13. I'm trying to revert to normal life...quit academia I guess you'd say. Now that my grad studies is done and defended and I am relatively free of the insanity I am really not quite sure how to go back to life without slacking off on fitness and diet and other things in life. It's like fitness after marathon training. How do you slow down? I want to though. I have crafty and cooking and general life things to do I've put off for over 2 years.
    With a set hard schedule I'd just do things without question. Now...well..."I don't wanna" is coming up waaaay too often :)

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    1. Interesting dilemma, the whole figuring out how to slow down without coming to a complete stop. But I suspect you'll get bored with the "don't wanna's and your natural enthusiasm will reassert itself once it's had a chance to sit on it's butt for a bit and relax. Have fun with the crafty cooking stuff!

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  14. I´m giving up on being lazy! I´ve spent far to high a proportion of my life sat on my backside watching tv and treating myself to white chocolate (the best of them all!) and so I decided to get up off that backside and use the tv for something more worthwhile; my new exercise dvd (www.beachbody.co.uk), which is well worth the money. I´ve got so much more energy and finally feel like I´m earning those white chocolate treats.

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    1. Good for you Chris! I'm hoping you're not just a beachbody rep pushing a product, but even if you are, what the heck, you bothered to actually make a relevant comment. And I believe it's "no follow" land down here anyway.

      Enjoy the white chocolate! (No judging here, even though DARK is my antioxidant-rich treat of choice).

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  15. Oh MY GOSH I finally can say I have an innate, itty-bitty-buddah (not that is not my heavy writing accent trying to form the word "bootie"~Unfortunately) - I digress.

    Ahem. I am awesome at disengaging when I am wheel spinning. Some would say TOO good at it, but those people simply need to work on acknowledging their spheres of influence - especially since I never listen to them anyway (but they don't see that)!

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    1. Ah I need disengagement lessons, perhaps you have an online seminar I could sign up for?

      And I think there's some marketing potential there for a buddah bootie set of personal growth/ exercise dvd'. I'd jump on that!

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  16. I'm new to your blog, and I'd live to subscribe but I'm new to blogging in general. Help on this? I think there's a difference in quitting something or being forced to quit, as in due to health issues. When it's forced upon a person, it sucks. Then you really wonder what good will come of it. So I just try to find the best in every minute and forget the crap. Thanks for your blog!

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    1. Love the "find the best in every minute and forget the crap" approach!

      Don't know if you have a blog reader (I use netvibes) but another way to subscribe is by email. I think the "subscribe by email" button below is just for comments to this section, but there's also a gadget in the upper right hand corner of the site that should let you subscribe to the blog posts themselves by email or feed reader. Let me know if you have any problems. And sorry it's not easier!

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  17. About a year and a half ago I quit a long-term (3+ years) relationship which was toxic and slowly draining my soul, until I was little but a husk of the person I was truly capable of being. No regrets there, just the sadness of leaving someone I did indeed love.

    The positive side of that experience was that I had to mature emotionally so much in that span of time that a normal, positive relaitionship feels surprisingly -easy- in comparison. I'm constantly grateful for the basic pleasures of a relationship like receiving adequate physical affection, having no mind games played on me, and being with someone who openly states how much they love me.

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    1. Wow, that's so great that your "quitting" experience led to being in such a much better place! Always sadness involved in leaving something/someone you have loved, but sounds like you were able to acknowledge without letting it hold you back. So many people find themselves trapped and let it go on for years and years!

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