November 23, 2012

Awful Holiday Gifts; 2012 Edition

Yesterday was Thanksgiving in America, I hope you had a good time? We sure did!

And now Cranky Fitness would like to officially welcome you all back from bountiful feasts and subsequent comas with a "Happy Black Friday" celebration... all about gift giving!

Photo: Plan 59

Holiday gifts can be a wonderful excuse to show off show affection and appreciation for people you care about. And they're fun to get!  Research says that both giving generously and feeling gratitude lead to more happiness, so we can even pretend this post has something to do with health and wellness.

But there's a downside to the holiday gift exchange. Have you ever given or gotten a really sucky gift?

(And isn't it strange that so many people have received awful presents yet so few have ever given them?  There must be just a handful of incredibly prolific shitty gift givers out there hell-bent on spreading disappointment throughout the land).

Of course you always give wonderful gifts.  But if there is someone in your life who could use some assistance, consider sharing this post under the guise that it was something you came across that has absolutely nothing to do with them!

So here is an illustrated guide to the Ten Worst Holiday Gift ideas I could find... followed by one Pleasant Alternative.

(Note: old timers at the blog may recall there is a pre-2012 post featuring even more dumb holiday gift ideas in the archives, in the form of a multiple choice quiz).

So, in no particular order:

Worst Holiday Gift Ideas I Could Find for 2012:


1. "Novelty" Items And Gag Gifts



Or, well, perhaps I just need to do more research on the care and feeding of heterosexual couples.   Are His and Hers Beards one of those "gotta have" items?

But in general, gag gifts do not count as real gifts.  If you've been under the illusion that cracking yourself up by proffering a useless item is a gesture that is warmly appreciated during the holidays?  You may be mistaken.

2. Gifts With A Subtle Agenda

If you have single friends and relatives?  Perhaps you should mind your own business and back the f-ck off.


3. Painful and Insulting Grooming Products

Because nothing says "honey, I don't even notice your moustache" quite like a device designed to scrape along your face and grab those supposedly invisible hairs and rip them out at the roots.

Skymall, naturally.

(Even if she ASKS I would stick with a gift certificate and let her make the actual purchase. You do not want to be foremost on her mind every time she employs this new toy).

4. Inappropriately Expensive Gifts

Personally, if someone is going to fork over $100,000 so I can have fresh eggs in the morning? Take me out to brunch and hand me a check for $99,975.  I'll even cross the road for it.


5. Gifts That Imply You Think Your Girlfriend is Flat-Chested, While Simultaneously Getting Her Drunk

And yes, it's designed to expand an "A" cup to a "D" and enable you to sneak alcohol into sporting events.  Brilliant. Dude, your girlfriend will LOVE IT!

6. Items Purchased at Library Book Sales:

Well actually, if you choose carefully, the 25 cent table can yield some real treasures.  However, if your recipient has never heard the term "camp" used outside of an actual tent pitched in the wilderness, then you should probably go the retail route. 


7. Sad Gifts

Oh dear, could someone hand me some Kleenex?


 (Sorry, if you wanted one: couldn't find original source).


8. Mitt Romney Bobble-Head:


(Because I didn't know which general category of Awful to put this in: Political Gifts; Rubbing It In; or As Seen on TV.)

9.  Intimate Apparel For Men


Unless you know your man really, really well.

Note: you need to specify how big a pouch he needs; do you really wanna have the conversation that follows if you guess wrong?

10. Gross Gifts

Poop on a pencil. How did you ever live without that?


But coincidentally, the poop pencil retails for $3.99 which is the same price as the...

Less Unpleasant Alternative Gift Suggestion!

You saw this one coming, didn't you?

Buy Crabby a wonderful gift by purchasing her new ebook Cranky Fitness: Exercise Your Ass Off!


Feel Free to Click On This, No Worries, We'll Wait!

(Note: YOU get the book, but Crabby gets a far greater gift. Seriously, she will be ridiculously elated and grateful if anyone at all buys this thing.  And an amazon review, blog link, tweet, Pin, FB share, etc would put her over the moon.  She is somewhat pathetically hoping to be discovered among 974,568,321,201 other ebook authors out there and sell more than 3 copies. Wish her luck!).

Need more persuading? In addition to groveling, I can actually come up with a few reasons to spring for one, other than as a huge favor to me.

1.  The book does not actually suck! I have to confess I worked pretty hard on putting it together.  I did a lot of editing, updating, tossing out boring things and creating new less-boring content so that it would read more like a real book and not an odd random collection of musty blog posts. While it's not a comprehensive encyclopedia of all the latest research of every aspect of fitness, it's a fun, funny (I hope) easy read that nonetheless sneaks in some helpful exercise information. It's designed both for folks who are just getting started but also has material for the more advanced and fool-hardy. Plus it's got motivational brainwashing, the usual silliness, and a few tricks you may not already know.

2. It could be a good alternative self-splurge during the hectic holiday season, with better long-term consequences than were to you purchase your splurge in the form of eggnog, Sees candy etc.

3. You can give this as a "stocking" stuffer type gift to those who might benefit from more exercise who would be turned off by traditional books that are too pushy and perky.   It's a totally deniable "you need to exercise" hint, because it's a "funny" book, not an exercise manual! I believe Amazon allows you to give it as a gift and print off a physical certificate or deliver one via email.

4.  Support the gals and the non-entrepreneurial! HyperInk is expanding their blog-to-book offerings, and has some other favorite female fitness bloggers teeing up some titles before too long (hint!).  But I worry that their core audience seems to go for start-up advice and hi-tech stuff and macho fitness approaches, and seems pretty heavy on male authors.  We don't want to confirm their suspicions by letting the guys do all the buying, right?  Gals, exercise that female purchasing power!  By buying this ebook, you can improve the climate for ebooks aimed at both genders, not just dudes.

5. New to eBooks? Discover how easy they are! You don't need a gadget, you can just order a PDF and read it on your home computer, or you can even download kindle software for free and order those other kindle titles you've been curious about!

6.  If you buy this Cranky Fitness eBook, there will be more to come!  Er, wait, that might not actually be much of an inducement.


OK, book-whoring aside, what are some of the worst holiday gifts you've seen or even received? Or how was your thanksgiving!  Am hoping not EVERYONE is at the mall today.

38 comments:

  1. Hmmm... I think I might be able to stretch to $3.99 (the numbers are even smaller in real money - only £2.50!) and still feed the kids for the rest of the month.

    Of course, as with the blog I'm much more interested in the "foul language, ... shitty attitude, and completely irrelevant and bizarre digressions about stuff no one should ever even be thinking about, let alone sharing publicly" than any actual exercise advice it may contain! #8-D

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    1. Shadowduck, I am so grateful!!! I didn't quite use up all the requisite thanksgiving gratitude and sincerity yesterday, so excuse me while I spill a whole bunch of leftover appreciation all over you. You Rock!!

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  2. Crabby, No. 6 on our list terrified me. I confess having to check around to ensure it was real even as I had an awful, awful feeling I may have owned one or two of those back in the day. The dark, dark day.
    While I've had some, er, thoughtful gifts in my time I'll leave them at that.

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    1. Ah, I recall the Partridge family with both fondness and embarrassment for my youthful enthusiasm. Though my crush was on Laurie rather than Keith, which kinda tells you something.

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  3. Happy to add this to my kindle ..Can't wait to get started!

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    1. Thank you Jules!!

      And when the next Cranky Fitness ebook comes out on body image/weight loss, I'll have to make sure your awesome blog is included!

      Delete
  4. LOL! Those gag gifts are unbelievable! Except for the bobble-head, that was too believable :-)

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    1. What, Dr. J, you aren't asking Santa for a pair of that saran-wrap underwear??? :)

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  5. Black Friday shopping is now complete - I expect to be assless very soon. ;)

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    1. Oh thank you thank you thank you thank you Shelley!

      You are already so fit and awesome you can just buy it for laughs.

      Delete
  6. NOOOoooo!! The novelty gift store is my second home!! Everybody likes a funny useless gift!!! I have actually given the knitted beard but mine had a much better mustache than that and mine was kind of an orange plaid!!
    I've got you book on my kindle. I'm starting at the motivational tips. Hope you know more about that than gift giving! Hrumph!!

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    1. Oh dear Cindy, I totally forgot to mention the time-honored Novelty Gift Exception: DO give them to people who totally love them! I just don't happen to be related to anyone who fits that description but I bet your orange plaid knitted beards with the more awesome moustaches are totally a big hit!

      And THANK YOU SO MUCH for buying the book, it makes me so happy I have the sudden urge to put on a plaid knitted beard!

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  7. This post made my day!!!
    I'm fixing to log onto Barnes & Noble and see if I can get your book on my Nook - cant wait to check it out!!

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    1. Awesome Kim! And I'm so grateful.

      You'll be an interesting test case because I haven't checked it out to see if it's working yet; please let me know if you run into any problems!

      Delete
    2. Downloaded yesterday - no problems at all. Already 3 chapters in - great stuff!!!

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    3. Kim, thank you for being the B&N guinea pig! And SO appreciate you buying and reading.

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  8. It's here! It's here! Hooray!

    Yes, i will purchase, as soon as i can convince one of the cranky computers in my house to let me download it (probably the one in the library, when i can pry the children off of it).

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    1. Oh thank you Messymimi, I SO appreciate it!!! Fingers crossed on Cranky computers!

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  9. #7 (Sad gift): search for "boyfriend pillow" on Amazon and you'll have a few choices, if somebody REALLY needs one. Sad indeed.

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    1. I had no idea that boyfriend pillows were a thing before now Sue! And all I can say is "acckkk!"

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  10. OMG - you are so friggin hilarious & if your ebook is even half as good as this post & I am sure it is even better, man, a winner!!!!!!!!!! I laughed all the way thru this! Is the link to Amazon live yet?

    Honestly, I love to give but unfortunately no $$ to do so.. not even these gift suggestions! ;)

    PS: No way I am giving Mitt Romney any more money that he is already hiding away! ;)

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    1. Oh thank you so much Jody!! And yep it's live on amazon and hoping for eventual reviews by someone I'm not married to! Click on the link in this post and (I'm hoping) one should arrive at the right page!

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  11. I guess I have put the worst presents out of my head because I can't think of any!

    Hey, I bet if you offered to personally autograph your book, you'd sell more of them! ;)

    I am NOT at the mall. I was BFSI-ing. WTH is that? "Black Friday Sew In". I am a quilter too! I've been so busy in other areas of my life that I have neglected that part of it too long. I loath Black Friday madness. I stayed home and sewed to my heart's content, and then some!

    I ate well yesterday and yet I didn't go overboard into the figgy pudding...oh, wrong holiday. I didn't fall into the whip cream! Although my husband did threaten to spray me with some of that foam in a can that passes for icky whip cream. (Wicked man) Anyway, I really enjoyed a quiet holiday with just hubby, young son, and the turkey. (No, not THAT turkey with the bobble head)

    I think I may have had too much wine though! Thanks for the laughs tonight! (Or was that the wine too?)

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    1. It was probably the wine but in any event you are hilarious! And love the idea of BFSI-ing instead of braving the malls.

      And I'm pathetically desperate enough for sales that yeah, I'd probably come to your house and autograph your computer or reader if that would help!

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  12. How did I get this far without ever knowing about Regretsy?!?!?! LOL. I am not much of a gag-gift person in general...giving or receiving. I totally remember when the boyfriend pillow came out. My memory is, there is a girlfriend pillow as well...ah yes. Do that search.

    Congrats on your book! I was looking at the excerpts the other day actually.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. isn't Regretsy hilarious?

      I think I might not want to see the results of the girlfriend pillow search as I'd be afraid it wouldn't take many pages to get to the freaky people!

      Truly, I had no idea these existed!

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  13. THose are some craptastic gifts. The his/her beards are definitely us heterosexuals must haves. LOL

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    1. I'm sure you'd look lovely in a knitted beard, Starving Bitch!

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  14. What....not even an honorable mention for the classic holiday Fruitcake?? A sure fire way to let someone know how little you care. :-)

    I was able to purchase your book at BarnesandNoble.com for my Nook with out a problem. So far, a double thumbs up.

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    1. Oh goodness BC, the fruitcake DEFINITELY belongs on the list. Ecchh!

      And thank you thank you thank you thank you for supporting the eBook! I can't tell you how grateful I am for each purchase. I'd love someday to be able to think of myself as a "real" writer, and as arbitrary as it is, the ability to do the whole "publish" and "sell" thing looms larger than it probably should in my twisted head.

      Too bad I didn't want to be a "real" supreme court judge or astronaut or brain surgeon or something more realistic! :)

      Delete
  15. This post reminds me of the Hater's Guide to the Williams Sonoma Catalog
    http://deadspin.com/5959212/the-haters-guide-to-the-williams+sonoma-catalog

    Only your post ends with something I DO want to buy. Off to Amazon...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That post is HILARIOUS!!!! Thank you for sharing that link.

      And thank you even more for supporting the book, especially as your posts were one of the best things about Cranky Fitness, and it was tempting to swipe them for my own use but I took the high road. So when is YOUR ebook coming out???

      Delete
  16. So, why did this not show up in my feed for two days? Not that I had time to read it over Thanksgiving. (Where was I Friday? Working, of course.)
    I got a tip last week, so I think I can afford this. I shouldn't be reading it now, I should be doing everything I need to do in order to be at work at six-thirty in the morning, but I WANT a bossy little robot! Far better than a human personal trainer, easier to store, always available!

    Mary Anne in Kentucky

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The post didn't show up to get fed? Shoot! I did notice it was awfully quiet around here.

      Thank you so much Mary Anne, especially since you've probably read so much of this stuff already! Really appreciate the support.

      Delete
  17. Well, late as usual. I think I have put the worst of the holiday gifts out of mind. Although there was one from the '80's ...a leather feathered halter. Never got worn, was pretty in it's own way.

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    1. A leather feathered halter? OMG, how I hope you snapped at least one photo of yourself modeling it? Sounds kinda scary and glorious at the same time!

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  18. Just downloaded your book (!) from Amazon and haven't yet read enough to comment of the content (actually, all you have to read is the first few sentences to know that it's a winner), but did want to let you know that the Kindle-for-iPad version is beautifully formatted, the links are fun, and the photos crystal clear -- can't wait to read it in depth!

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    1. Ehsa, thank you thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!

      Great to hear about the kindle for iPad version because the pdf I have is not quite so beautifully formatted. Thanks so much for supporting the book... but watch out, there may be more!

      Delete

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