Recycling!

I Don't See a Slot For Blog Posts

[By Crabby]

Don't worry, this isn't a post nagging you to clean out your funky-smelling milk containers and save your used tea bags for the compost heap. I know you folks are green as all get-out and you're all over that stuff already.

(I keep having these nagging recycling questions myself, like: used napkins-- are they paper or garbage? Does it depend on what food they were used for and how disgusting they got? But never mind--like I said, this isn't actually about that kind of recycling).

So I just wrote a comment in an attempt to win a contest at Blogher, which is a pretty hopeless quest but I figured what the hell. And then I thought, why waste what's essentially a short post? So I decided I'd "recycle" the darn comment here.

For other Blogher folks who may be interested in entering the contest and spoiling my chances, the contest is about Your Plans to Live Healthier in 2008.

Note: the deadline is soon and there is a harsh and punitive WORD LIMIT of 250, which made it really hard for me because I do not tend to shut up about anything after writing a mere 250 words. I can't write a grocery list that short even if all I need is milk.

The competition looks pretty stiff, because everyone wants an all-expense paid trip to the Blogher conference in San Francisco this summer, which is the prize. (I'm assuming they know I will no longer be living near SF by then and hate to fly. I'm guessing if I win they'll send a very patient limo driver to Provincetown MA to pick me up and ferry me cross-country. Right, Blogher?)

Unfortunately, lots of the other contestants actually went out and did a bunch of cool new healthy things, which puts me at a decided disadvantage. But here we go anyway!

Crabby's Three Awesome Health Resolutions for 2008:

1. I'm going to run my very first MARATHON! Hooray for me!
1. Oh wait... my knees are pretty trashed. But I'm gonna do lots of healthy stretching and strengthening, and work up to running 5-7 miles five times a week!
1. Err, strike that. How about three to four miles, five times a week? That's still pretty darn healthy!
1. Ouch. Ow ow ow.
1. Sigh. I'll go running ONCE a week and return to dorky race-walking and elliptical like before.

2. I'm going to eat nothing but fresh organic produce, lean protein, whole grains, nuts and seeds and olive oil and I'll never touch another evil cupcake or eat another plate of nachos ever again!
2. Plus maybe a little dark chocolate and red wine, too. Those are good for you.
2. Okay, only ONE cupcake a week, as a treat.
2. Oops. Well maybe some weeks two cupcakes... But definitely only one order of nachos a quarter. Err, per month... Okay, per week.
2. Um, so lets say I resolve to eat pretty healthy MOST of the time, like I was doing already.

3. I'm going to resolve to keep improving my physical and mental well-being in every way possible every single day!
3. Um... most of the time, anyway.
3. Oh dear. Well, maybe I'll just try my best to be as healthy as I can. Life's too short for perfection!

So it's a holiday weekend for a lot of people, and I know you're all out playing and I hope you're having a great time. But if you're doing something healthier in 2008, Cranky Fitness would love to hear about it, especially if it keeps you from going over to tell Blogher about it and stealing my all expense paid trip.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Ask Cranky Fitness: Winter Blues and Swimsuit Snark

[Written by Merry and Crabby.]


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I’m soooo bored with winter! I am tired of indoor workouts but I don’t want to freeze outdoors. What can I do? How can I get my motivation back?

Signed, Dreary in Dayton

Dear DiD,

Dreary winter days
Grey skies stretch to March at least
Work out anyway.

(What? Crabby, why are you looking at me that way? Sheesh, I try to add a little culture to this blog, just one innocent haiku, and I get weird looks. Hmph.)

Anyway, a couple of thoughts:

• Motivation is a summer creature; it flies south for the winter and doesn’t return until spring. Unless you’re in Australia, where it flies north for the winter, but let’s not go there. Actually, we probably should go there; Australia is warm right now, better suited to exercising. But if that’s not in the budget, my best advice is to fake it till you make it. Find a new workout companion, join a new class at the Y, take up aerobic whining for a couple of months. We’re almost there. You can make it.
• Is it just the exercising that’s boooooring, or is it the weather, the traffic, work stress, etc.? If you need to lift your mood in general, exercise is the cure not the problem. Another way to alleviate the winter blahs – try something creative. You may not be the world’s best artist, but even so drawing or playing music or dancing will access areas on the right-side of the brain that don’t normally get a workout in our practical, left-brained society, and this can be immensely satisfying.

--Merry


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I'm 19 years old and thin and gorgeous and hot. I have really rich parents, a bunch of cute boyfriends, a brand new BMW and I don't even need to go to college 'cause my Daddy got me this awesome job at his recording studio. Everyone wishes they were me.

Anyway, I keep hearing all this stuff about exercise and sleep and antioxidants and I have to laugh. I can eat anything I want and I look great! I can party all night and drink and smoke and snort pretty much anything I want and the next day, I'm still like, beautiful and thin and awesome! (Just a little sleepy).

My question is: Why should I eat gross vegetables and do boring exercises when it's no fun? Sweat is smelly and icky. And everyone knows smokers are way hipper than non-smokers, so why should I quit? Oh, and treadmills and yogurt and vegetables--those are just for the ugly fat people, right? Sexy people are perfect just the way we are.

So no offense but your advice, like, totally sucks.

Signed, Hollywood Hottie


Dear Hottie,

Oh gosh, my mistake. You are so right!

Sorry for all the previous advice I've given about health and fitness: I should have made it clear I didn't mean you.

Of course young, naturally slim, sexy people don't have to play by the same rules. Everyone knows you're special!

So don't worry! Enjoy yourself: party all night, eat crap all day, smoke, skip the sticky sunscreen, take lots of fun drugs, don't educate yourself, let Daddy and Mommy take care of everything that's difficult, and check back in about twenty or thirty years and tell us how you're doing in life! We'll be really curious.

Sorry again for the mistake.

--Crabby


Dear Cranky Fitness,

I’m always trying to eat healthy foods, but I share an office with coworkers who are addicted to Scottish cuisine, i.e. they bring back McDonald’s every day. One woman in particular is always ribbing me for eating “rabbit food.” The worst part is, she’s thin and never seem to gain weight.

Is there some snappy response I can make when she starts making fun of me?

Signed, Watership Down

Dear WD,

Some possible responses you could try:

a)“Yes, this is rabbit food, very funny ha ha” (and keep right on munching). Agreeing with someone is a great way to take the wind out of their sails. If they’re expecting an argument then it throws them off balance, which is entertaining to watch. Even if they feel the need to repeat themselves a few more times trying to needle you, just smile and nod and get on with your own life.

b)If you want to take the low road and be mean, start talking about how swimsuit season is coming up, and you’re planning on buying a smaller size this year. Ask her if she’s planning to go to the beach this summer. If she says yes, hesitate in a meaningful, significant fashion, as if you really wanted to say something, then change the topic to something innocuous. This will sow the seeds of doubt in even the most confident woman’s mind. (No woman is ever 100% confident about how she looks in a swimsuit.)

c)You could take the neutral road and not react at all. Tell her the subject has been thoroughly discussed and there’s really nothing more to add to the topic. Less entertaining than being mean, but probably more practical if you have to work with the woman on a daily basis.

--Merry


Dear Cranky Fitness,

So what the hell happened to Random Friday? Where are the contradictory studies and the links that have nothing to do with health and fitness even though you pretend they do? Where are the animals exercising? Random Friday wasn't all that great but now that it's not here I miss it!

Signed, Miffed in Minneapolis


Dear Miffed,

Random Friday is not gone forever. Crabby has just been a bit busy of late taking care of her elderly mother-in-law still trying to decide between Revere Pewter or Coventry Gray for the P-town living room. She she fully intends to bring Random Friday back. Perhaps not every Friday but a least on a somewhat regular basis.

Fortunately, Merry, who has been saving Crabby's lazy ass all week, has an emergency Random-Fridayish contribution in the Animal Exercise department! (It's an ad, but not an annoying one).





Have any questions, concerns, or general irritations that you’d like to see Merry or Crabby address on Cranky Fitness so we can stop making so much of this sh*t up? Send them on the back of a $20 bill to crabbymcslacker at gmail dot com.

And have a great Friday!

Happy Valentines Day?

[By Crabby]

Valentine's Day is a terrible holiday and I am totally against it.

For one thing, you don't get the day off work, which makes it a crappy excuse for a holiday. But the worst thing is the forced, commercialized nature of it. It pretends to be a celebration, but just seems to put all kinds of weird pressure on the coupled and the uncoupled alike.

Singles often say they feel extra lonely and marginalized, even those who are generally quite happy and content with their unencumbered state.

And even many happily married couples seem to be gritting their teeth a bit. The gals often end up feeling under-appreciated. Because isn't your guy's Valentine's Day performance supposed to be some sort of test of how much he loves you? That's what all the commercials say. Like the pressure to be skinny or eternally youthful--even if you know perfectly well the message is bogus, it's still hard not to be affected by it.

(So, like how come you ended up with the guy who never remembers it's Valentines Day at all, or who'd rather celebrate with pizza and a night in front of the tv? Where's that thoughtful hubby who sends flowers to the office where all the other girls can admire them? And how come other women get those broad-shouldered dudes in black tie who spirit them off in a limo for an elegant dinner, then coyly pull out a $20,000 diamond necklace? Where the hell is your limo ride and diamond necklace, huh?)

As for the men... I'm guessing no matter how diplomatically they've learned to hide it, many must secretly dread the whole thing. Culturally, Valentines Day is not a gender-neutral, equal opportunity occasion. It's a test. If you are a straight couple (one gathers from the tv commercials) the Boy's role is to Come Through with the Goodies. The Girl's role is to Cross Her Fingers and Hope He Doesn't F*ck it Up.

So yeah, I hate Valentine's Day... in theory.

But, well, the Crab and the Lobster do celebrate Valentine's Day anyway and it's pretty much always awesome.

[Sorry, some of you probably didn't need to hear that today].

I think same-sex couples have it a little easier on Valentines Day--we're pretty much left out of the cultural and media conversations. DeBeers has not yet, to my knowledge, tried to put pressure on Susie to spring for an expensive diamond bracelet to prove her love to Pam. The 1-800-Flower people are not bugging Steve to make sure he remembers to send a bouquet to Jonathan on this special day. The advertisers leave us the hell alone. Usually that bugs me, but it this case, I feel like it's actually a favor.

However, there are still plenty of miserable gay people on Valentines Day. Why are the Crab and Lobster so lucky?

Partly it's because we've customized the celebration. There's no pressure--it's just one more chance to say "I love you" and have a really nice dinner out. (Which we may actually have the night before or the night after, when it's easier to get reservations. We don't give a crap about the actual date). We don't do the candy or the flowers anymore, or even cards, because after 17 years, we've done all that stuff enough already. We don't need to make any sort of special statement, other than: you're amazing, I love you, how about steak tonight? It may be coincidence, but other couples we know who enjoy the holiday also tend to take a fairly low-key approach.

(Actually, I think the main reason I still enjoy Valentines Day so much despite all my objections is because the Lobster is an incredible person and a perfect partner. So what's not to celebrate? And yes, we belong to that rare and profoundly annoying species: the blissfully happy couple. Really, I'm not kidding, you best avoid us--we're totally nauseating to be around.)

Anyway, to me, what's wrong with Valentines Day is pretty much what's wrong with our view of romantic relationships generally: we celebrate the superficial and barely acknowledge the deeper stuff.

Just look at how so many people select mates: The sweetest, most reliable, thoughtful guy in the world is considered a "loser" if he's not financially successful. The funniest, kindest, brightest woman in the world is considered hopeless if if she's got a few extra pounds or wasn't blessed with a pretty face. Fortunately, not everyone is so short-sighted--but a lot of people are exactly that superficial. The poster children for "love" are always young and pretty and rich, as though those qualities have anything at all to do with the success of long-term relationships.

So my advice? Screw the arbitrary over-hyped Hallmark version of Valentines Day. If you have love to celebrate, celebrate it every day and any old way you feel like it. And if trading heart shaped boxes of candy once a year makes you happy, then do it and have fun!

Just don't let a bunch of corporate hucksters set your expectations for how love is supposed to be shown. The flower and candy and diamond merchants don't give a hoot about your relationship--they just want your credit card number.

What if you are single on Valentines Day? Try to ignore those ads that imply everyone else out there is (a) coupled and (b) happy about it. Sure, a few of us are, but in most cases, a recent study says couples actually find each other more irritating over time. (Not true of other relationships, apparently, like with your friends or your kids). Just keep in mind that a lot of those guys you see dutifully heading home with huge bouquets of roses are actually feeling kinda pissed off at the gals they're bringing 'em home to.

And if you've got some extra unused love on a day meant to celebrate that emotion? Well, how about spending some on yourself. Strangely enough, you may find you plenty left over for other people you care about too.

How about you folks--do you tend to enjoy Valentine's Day, or do you just wish it would hurry up and be over?

Beets Me

[By Crabby]

When I'm stressed, sometimes my blood pressure becomes a bit problematic.

No, not the "you must rush out and take care of that immediately" kind of bad, but the "ehr, better keep an eye on that" sort of number.

I have a blood pressure monitor at home that I'm very good about checking it when I know everything's mellow and it's going to show me a nice acceptable number. Oddly enough, I avoid using the monitor when I'm all wound up and I suspect it's going to tell me something I don't like.

I already eat pretty healthy, watch my salt, exercise religiously (except on road trips), and do every freakin' thing you're supposed to do. (Okay, I could be better about scheduling deep breathing/relaxation time, but I at least do a little of it.) And I'm reluctant to start on medication for as long as I can avoid it. So I'm always on the lookout for natural ways to lower my blood pressure.

And guess what, here's a new one: "Beet Juice Lowers Blood Pressure!" Just two cups a day.

Um, two whole cups of beet juice a day?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Normally, a sweet taste in a vegetable is a good thing. Yams? Onions? Roasted Eggplant? All quite likable. But there's something about beety sweetness that I find totally disgusting.

If I had to drink two cups of beet juice a day I'd barf.

Is it just me, or does anyone else share an extreme hatred of beets, or have some other healthy vegetable you just can't stomach?

I'm also curious if anyone is on blood pressure meds and what those are like. I'm already up to my eyeballs in healthy vegetables, and will even drink beet juice if it will actually help, but I'm a little pessimistic. None of the other lifestyle things that are supposed to lower blood pressure have made a noticeable difference.

Or maybe all the healthy things I'm doing are really helping, and my blood pressure would be totally off the charts if I wasn't doing any of them.

I can't really complain about being unlucky in the blood pressure department, as all my other numbers have always been good. I know lots of you struggle with cholesterol or blood sugar or other unfair "bad" numbers despite your best efforts to be healthy. (Kinda frustrating, or do you take it in stride?)

Note: I'm definitely going in for a physical as soon as I get my new health insurance policy, so I can see what the doctor says. (When I go to my ob/gyn and my blood pressure comes out a little highish she doesn't seem too concerned--but then it's not really her department. And I'm thinking doctors who wield speculums are probably used to seeing patients who are not entirely comfortable and relaxed).

But for those of you who know something about the pros and cons of blood pressure drugs: Should I Fear The Pills? Anyone have any cautionary tales/words of encouragement? Or should I just suck it up and drink my beets?

Boxers vs. Briefs: the latest fitness debate

[By Merry]

Ever notice how depressing it feels to be surrounded by boxes?

I always used to think people who were overly concerned with neatness with neatfreaks. Actually, I still think that, but I’m starting to wonder if a little neatness now and then might be a good thing.

Some people, whom I shall refer to as boxers, live surrounded by Uncontrolled Stuff, a.k.a clutter. (Not to be confused with people who live surrounded by piles that resemble the aftermath of a tornado, but they know where everything is and they're not stressed about having everything out in view. That's Controlled Stuff.)

There's a theory that clutter is related to being overweight. A decade ago, the guru was Karen Kingston, author of Clearing clutter with feng shui. Now it’s Fly Lady, with her book Body Clutter. Even Oprah has gotten on the bandwagon with this notion, with her clutter expert Peter Walsh. Basically the theory is that clutter and excess weight are both used as some kind of buffer system between the boxer and the outside world. If you can't let things go, then you end up letting yourself go, as it were.

Note: these authorities suggest people who tend to live in clutter also tend to be overweight. My theory that people who live in clutter tend not to be in good shape. It’s possible to be thin without being fit, and that seems to be the dividing line.

People who live cluttered lives have more trouble letting go of things or more trouble making decisions. We accumulate clutter because we’re emotionally attached to our possessions or we don't know where they should go and so the stuff stays out on the kitchen table for days/weeks/eons.

You could make decisions for an indecisive boxer, if you want to spend the rest of your life playing nanny. But you can't forcibly take the clutter away from an emotionally attached boxer -- if you throw out all their stuff they feel naked and vulnerable, and consciously or not start gathering clutter again.

Living with clutter or with a lack of fitness is essentially giving up control over your environment, be it your living space or your body. Dr. J. wrote a blog post about a link between obese people and littering. I think it’s the same sort of behavior. I mean, the more you care about your body, the less likely you are to put junk food into it and the more likely you are to keep it in good shape. The more you care about the environment, the less likely you are to litter. Can we extend that to a cluttered home or workspace?

Am I whistling Dixie and postulating whereof I am ignorant? Please feel free to shoot this theory down. I'm open to debate.

Presumably people who practice a more lean, unfettered existence should be designated as briefs. I'm not sure how to verify that lean people are more organized around the house except by finding some lean, fit man and following him home to check out his personal surroundings. Could be an interesting research subject, but any grant money would have to pay for my lawyer's fees when I get arrested for stalking.

Probably that little snag is the reason I haven't found any scientific studies about this. But there's lots of anecdotal evidence, plus it’s on Oprah – what more do you want?

I do believe that people who can bring themselves to get rid of clutter Feel Better. And certainly people who are moving house are more stressed and crantankerous than the average human. Why else would people who fight be named boxers?

Note: the above post is talking about human boxers, not any four-legged friends you might happen to know and love. Honest.