Experts Say: Time to Drop Acid

[Written by Mary, who has her own very fine blog Sheesh. Crabby is currently scheming to persuade Mary to hang out at Cranky Fitness and keep the Crab company].


Drop Acid? Wait a Minute...
Yes, this is a post about fitness. Or at least a rant about fitness. And I do remember the 60s. But I remember the 70s even more.

Thirty years ago, fitness was all about goofy-looking track suits and people dutifully jogging round and round a track until their legs fell off from boredom.

Twenty years ago, it was Jane Fonda and people deliberately wearing spandex until they felt the burn.

Ten years ago, it was Covert Bailey, and LSD* (long steady distance, also known as long slow distance) work that would promote fat-burning.

Now that's all passé. Yesterday's fitness. Today it's all about high intensity interval training: hit-the-body-with-a-quick-burst to promote fitness. In a way, this idea is a throwback to the concept that you have to feel it for the exercise to be any good. It's as if these ideas seem to cycle in and out of fashion.

This is not, not, not to say that interval training is a bad idea. Au contraire.

What I am saying is that The Merry objects to fitness being treated as if it were fashionable, something trendy. The press tends to trumpet the latest discoveries as if the scientists had re-invented the wheel, when in reality they haven't even re-invented the Krebs cycle. The basic principles of human biochemistry have been known for awhile now.

These approaches to fitness all work, to one extent or another. Even jogging around a track ad boredom does help the cardiovascular system up to a point. But a lot of people, including fitness experts (who should know better, except that they're usually promoting a book), seem determined to focus on one approach only, regardless of what works best for any one individual. We hold these truths to be self-evident: just because an expert is promoting a book, it doesn't mean the expert's approach will help with your specific goals. These different approaches should supplement each other.

Should you stop LSD and start HIITing yourself instead?

Both Long Steady Distance and High Intensity Interval Training can work to increase fitness. But they are not created equal.

If you're trying to increase your endurance, you want to increase your fat-burning capability. After two hours of steady cycling, your body is going to be relying on fat-burning to keep going.

Likewise, if you've been an obese, sedentary couch potato for years, long steady exercise sessions are a much more healthy approach than sudden intense exercise. If you're not in shape, HIIT would probably be a marvelous way to hurt yourself.

On the other hand, if you are in shape, HIIT could be the perfect way to work yourself off an annoying plateau, while LSD could make you bored out of your gourd. (Unless you want to be the next Lance Armstrong.)

It depends.

It shouldn't be about the latest expert's theory of fitness.

It shouldn't be about the latest expert at all.

It should be about you.


* Okay, so LSD in this post doesn't have anything to do with acid, strictly speaking. It was a cheap, meretricious trick designed to make you look at the post, that's all. I'm deeply ashamed of myself. Opinions expressed by minions of Cranky Fitness do not necessarily represent the views of the womanagement.

Make Friends With Fractions

Question: why is it so hard to remember that it's possible to eat a half, or a third, or even one and three-eighths of something? What is so compelling about whole numbers and unitary "serving sizes"--long after the invention of tupperware and aluminum foil and refrigerators that are perfectly capable of saving leftovers?

And sure, sometimes you can't save leftovers, and it seems a shame to "waste" food. But if you've got extra food on your plate that you could eat but you're not all that hungry for, then hell--it's already wasted! That food is not doing any more good sitting in your stomach than in a garbage can.

When Crabby remembers that a piece and a half of whole wheat toast is really the "right" serving size for her at breakfast, she is so much happier. Because while a single piece of bread simply does not yield enough toasty goodness, two slices of toast is more than she needs, given that she eats quite a few other things along with the toast. One and half pieces of toast: a perfect amount.

Yet far too often, Crabby throws two pieces of bread in the toaster anyway. It's as though slicing one in half would be akin to cutting her own skin open. Noooo! Toast comes in pairs, you get to have Two Pieces, it's a Rule!

Same problem with cheeseburgers. Crabby does not eat them frequently, but on the rare occasions when she does, she likes the big fat medium rare restaurant type burger, not a skinny dried-up overcooked fast food patty. But she is not a hyperactive 12 year old anymore. She does not need to eat an entire big-ass restaurant cheeseburger!

So just watch Crabby at a restaurant with her giant cheeseburger sometime, carefully cutting it in half and pushing the unnecessary half to the far side of her plate. What restraint!

The feat would be much more impressive, however, if she'd leave the extra half the f*ck alone. But she doesn't, does she? After she's gobbled up the first half, she'll eye the other half longingly, then decide to slice off just a bit more, and, then... well, you know the rest. She returns to the second half of the burger again and again until the whole thing is gone.

(Of course one of the best reasons to acquire a Significant Other is the ability to split cheeseburgers. Well sure, there's the lifelong companionship and joy and all that stuff, but--built in portion control! Alas, sometimes, one's partner isn't there or is not in the mood to provide cheeseburger portion control assistance, and if Crabby had more sense, she would never, ever, order a cheeseburger in these instances).

The good news is that just as the ability to divide things into fractions can be forgotten or ignored, this ability can also be rediscovered again! This morning, for example, Crabby had a piece and a half of toast and was very pleased with herself, so she knows it's possible.

So if you're forgetful like Crabby, you may want to keep in mind that you do not need to be ruled by "serving sizes"--they're arbitrary. Fractions are your Friends!

Is this a problem anyone else has? Or is Crabby the only one who needs to repeat fourth grade?

Post-Thanksgiving Mini-Roundup!

Why So "Mini?"
So it's traditional at Cranky Fitness to throw a few random links together at the end of the week--sometimes health-related, and sometimes... not so much. But as it's a holiday weekend, a lot of you may not actually be here reading this at all!

Instead you might be out braving crowded department stores in search of Perfect Christmas Gifts (muttering and sweating and cursing the lines, vowing that next time, you will simply use the handy search box of your favorite Amazon Affiliate). Or perhaps at this very moment you are in transit from a family visit, on an airplane--smiling serenely and reading a great novel, or downing cocktails from cute little miniature liquor bottles, or pulling your hair out in huge clumps as a sacrifice to the airplane Gods so that the plane won't crash--however it is that you choose to fly.

In any event, you may not be here. So this will be a much smaller bunch of randomness than usual. In fact, Crabby wasted a bunch of space apologizing last week for slackiness, which in retrospect, was totally jumping the gun.

But since these are great sites that could take some time to explore, fewer is better! And, coincidentally, way easier for the Crab to round up.


Word Power!
So first up is Free Rice, a totally addictive web site that Terrie from Women of Mystery featured on her blog. It's a vocabulary test, a learning device, and an easy way to donate to charity without actually spending any money. Got a great vocabulary and want to feel smug? Don't know any words and want to learn some? You can do all that while donating tiny grains of rice to hungry people! Of course you'd probably make even more of a difference by writing a large check--but, well, then you'd have to write a large check. Should that not be affordable, a few grains of rice are better than no grains of rice and it all adds up.

(And by the way--Terrie has a story featured in the mystery anthology "Murder New York Style," a compilation (available at Amazon) that looks awesome. If you're way behind on your reading like Crabby is at the moment, check it out and order it up for yourself or your favorite mystery buff for Christmas. (An ad would logically appear here now if Crabby could figure out how to do it (they've changed the instructions). But you can go to Women of Mystery or just type the title into the handy sidebar search box!)


Boomer Health & Silliness
So next is a cute little animated cartoon about baby boomers that Marijke found. And by the way, her health blog is packed with actual health information--something that has been scarce of late at Cranky Fitness.


More Teen Sex!
Already dreading all the wholesome family entertainment on tap for the holiday season? Encouraged by the news that Teen Sex may not be the Road Straight to Hell our parents warned us about after all? Well, for those of us who don't do much wholesome, here's a great viewing alternative: The Midwest Teen Sex Show.

Warning: oh, hell, do we really need a warning? It's a funny show about SEX! Dirty words are mentioned and some of the advice is sarcastic and twisted, though informative nonetheless. You can get it as a podcast or watch it on their site. And don't worry, there is something there to offend almost anyone, because it's HILARIOUS. (And thanks to Feministing for alerting us to the site).


Half-Naked Men!

And finally (speaking of wholesome), as a special present to one of our very favorite commenters, Holly*, Cranky Fitness directs your attention to Undies Drawer. Yes, it is--a whole website dedicated to Good Looking Men Posing in their Underwear!

And yeah, as you might expect, it seems pretty much gay. But lots and lots of Beefcake for admirers of the male physique, whatever gender those admirers may be.

*Note: Poor Holly made the mistake of mentioning once, in a comment, that the content-generated ads at Cranky Fitness were no longer featuring handsome men in their underwear. She is not, to our knowledge, battling any sort of male underwear ad-viewing addictions.

Hope you all are having a great weekend, wherever you may be!

Who is Merry Sunshine?

In November 2007, Mary decided to join Crabby in writing Cranky Fitness posts. The change to the spelling of her name to Merry was supposed to suggest a yin/yang night/day black/white distinction between herself and Crabby. Also, she couldn't think of a cooler name.

Why are you here?

Merry's health & fitness obsession is simple self-interest. She needs to shed about eighty sixty-five pounds. Or else grow several inches. Since the torture rack has gone out of fashion, the focus is on eating green leafy things and working out aerobically several times a week. Sounds exciting, no? No, it doesn't. Which fuels her quest to find a vegetable that she enjoys or an exercise that she loves. She uses the little blog Sheesh to track her progress.

Details, woman, we want details! Who are you?

Oh, that's like asking me (switching to first person here) what I did on my summer vacation. I never do well on the big picture questions. I'm a single, straight, GCG (good Catholic girl) who lives up in the Pacific Northwest and, unlike Crabby, rarely goes on long road trips. I am owned and shepherded by a German Shedder... er, that is, a German Shepherd Dog named Tangerine, CGC. (I got her from a rescue. She'd had so many changes already that I didn't want to change her name. So I've got a dog named after fruit.)

In my spare time, I get paid to write very dull technical manuals on very dry technical subjects. Which is why I enjoy writing for Cranky Fitness so much. The topics may get technical occasionally, but around here it's never dull!

The Holidays - A Survival Quiz

Note: This post was not written by Crabby, but by Mary, who hosts the awesome blog Sheesh. Does this mean Crabby is heading off for another extended unannounced vacation and filling in with guest posts? You wish!

Nah, Crabby is still very much here, busy preparing for Thanksgiving -- in fact, she's probably in the kitchen this very moment pilfering marshmallows meant for the yams preparing healthy side dishes for the Thanksgiving feast. Or gosh, she might be just pausing for a second or two to recall petty childhood grievances and figure out how to work them into conversations feel grateful for chance to reminisce with family about all those good times!

(For further explanation as to Mary's mysterious presence here and other Blog Announcements, see the preceding post in which all some is revealed!)


But don't go anywhere before testing your holiday readiness with the...

HOLIDAY SURVIVAL QUIZ!

1. Your aunt Gussie serves the world's richest brownies. She also can whip up a formidable side dish of Guilt if you don't appreciate her food. Food is love. Refusing her brownies would lead into a treacherous quagmire of intrafamilial politics and possibly World War III. What do you do?

a) Gush enthusiastically, and put the tray of brownies on the low table, which by an amazing coincidence is exactly on the same level as your three-year-old nephew and your cousin's four-year-old twins. Look puzzled when, a few minutes later, the tray is completely empty.

b) Take one brownie. Tell your aunt Gussie that you promised your mother you would always chew your food 30 times. Lose count and have to start over again.

c) Eat the whole tray of brownies yourself and resolve to do better next time.



2. Your aunt Agnes has sent you her best regards and… cue dramatic music… her DAFC (dreaded annual fruit cake). Luckily, she lives on the other side of the continent. You can either:

a) Write her a blissfully ecstatic thank you card and throw the DAFC in the trash.

b) Write a b.e.t.y. card and save the fruitcake for the office lunchroom.

c) Eat the damn thing, which will of course make you so nauseous that you are disinclined to eat ever again, thus resulting in a negative caloric gain over the holidays. Don't forget the thank you card.


3. Your aunt Petey lives across town. There is no escape when she comes over for a holiday dinner with a pleased look on her face and a dish of a marshmallowy sweet potato confection in her hands. Do you:

a) Accidentally drop your serving on the floor and sigh dramatically when the dog eats it.

b) Eat only a few bites, mentioning your recently discovered allergy to marshmallows.

c) Eat the whole thing, rationalizing it with the theory that sweet potatoes are vegetables and vegetables are good for you.


4. The admin in your office comes in with several batches of homemade fudge in different flavors. She beams at you proudly when you walk into the office lunchroom and then she invites you to try one … of each batch. Do you:

a) Run screaming from the office, lodge a claim of caloric harassment, sue your company for millions of dollars, and end up buying a yacht in the Caribbean.

b) Take one piece of fudge, smile, and say that you want to leave some for the rest of the group.

c) Have several pieces of each batch. You don't want to hurt her feelings.



Scoring:


One point for each a answer. Two points for each b answer. Three points for each c answer.



Your results:


4 points: you are devious, dramatic, and/or demented. I like you.

5-8 points: you are a moderately well adjusted person who will probably gain a pound or two, but otherwise make it through the holidays relatively unscathed ( i.e. you won't have to face any scathing relatives).

9 or more points: you're doomed, but at least you're enjoying the ride. Hide the scale and all your mirrors until January.