The Flat-Belly Diet

[By Crabby]

Flat bellies. So, ya want one?

According to the folks at Prevention Magazine, it's pretty easy to own one of your very own. They've even got a picture of four ecstatic women cheering about their incredible results. (They all look far too happy, in my opinion, considering they're clad in work clothes, complete with stern-looking high-heeled pumps. Being a jeans and T-shirt person myself, this photographic evidence seems suspicious).

But lets say that even if they're only fake-happy, their results are real. From what I can tell without shelling out any money, here's what you need to do to lose the fat belly:

1. Don't get too stressed (stress=cortisol=belly-fat);

2. Eat lots of monounsaturated fats. (The magazine uses the acronym "MUFA," which doesn't sound very slimming, does it? They need to work on that.)

Where do you find MUFA's? Well, this part is good:

• Nuts and Seeds;
• Safflower, Olive, Flax, and Canola Oils;
• Avocados;
• Dark Chocolate.

3. Oh, and um, to lose weight, limit your calories to 1600 a day.

For an informative magazine, Prevention makes some annoyingly optimistic claims about this diet: "No Exercise Required," "Never Go Hungry" and "Slim Your Mid-section Almost Automatically" are just some of them. But Prevention often does that--they seem to have a sleazy product-promotion division dedicated to subverting the magazine's credibility (which is otherwise perfectly good) by over-hyping various get-slim-quick approaches. If you subscribe to the magazine, they stick these weird pamphlets in there sometimes and you wonder what the heck they're thinking.

But, that doesn't mean the diet is totally lame either.

Given that (a) less stress is good and (b) monounsaturated fats are satisfying and healthy, this may not be a bad idea. There seems to be some actual research behind it (which I should chase down and take a look at some point rather than just guessing about it).

So sure, more chocolate and avocados and olive oil, please!

As it happens, I've been pretty much accidentally on this diet for the past few years, (except for yucky 1600 calorie part). I've been reading forever about how healthy monounsaturated fats are, so I eat a lot of them. Coincidentally (or not)--I have less belly fat than I used to.

But this is one of about 800 nutritional and fitness recommendations I've incorporated into my diet and lifestyle over the last couple decades, so who knows if it's the MUFA's or the intervals or the whole grains or the broccoli or the bench presses that are helping with the belly fat.

Another caveat: even healthy fats have lots of calories--and I still need to have room left for things like protein and vegetables and whole grains and cupcakes. Yet I don't want to run ten miles every morning to fit it all in.

In general, I hate "simple solution" diets. They almost always turn out to be only partly right. Nutrition and weight loss are rarely simple.

But heck, if you're not getting many MUFA's now and have some bellyfat you'd like to evict, it could be worth a try.

Note: If it works, please send in your ecstatic picture (high-heels optional) and we'll we'll re-market the whole thing as the Cranky Fitness No-Belly diet. We'll throw in some high-MUFA cupcakes and cookies and brownies (which we'll sell for $5 each), and we'll all make a fortune!

So what do you all think about Flat-Belly or other "It's Simple!" diets? Worth a try?

Random Friday

Stop Grinning & Get to Work!

[By Crabby]

So yep, it's that time of the week again...

Happiness: Hey, Go Easy There, Will Ya?
A new study found that people who rate themselves as moderately happy actually tend to be more successful and have higher incomes than those who give themselves ten out of ten on the happiness scale. But insanely enough, most of the reports about this study (including the press release) take this to mean: don't try to be too happy. God forbid you should be less successful or have a lower income, and settle for silly old happiness instead!

As I've said before, I think self-measures of happiness are bogus. Many people who rate themselves 10/10 are not rating their actual happiness--they're just demonstrating their tendency towards social conformity and black & white thinking. I'm not surprised 10's are not as successful as the more realistic 8's or 9's. But I don't think it's because 10's are actually happier. (Note: I'd take absolute delirious happiness over "success" any day).

More Reasons to Exercise:
Yeah, there's a new study like this every week saying you're screwed, health-wise, if you don't exercise. This one's especially interesting though, because it says that people who don't exercise have shorter telomeres in their dna. (Note: shorter telomeres are a bad thing--they're sort of a shorthand for our biological age. When telomeres get too short, cells can't divide anymore).

Another odd finding though, was that exercise only helps when it's leisure time exercise, as opposed to hard manual labor. The theory is that psychological stress plays into cell aging as well. (Just don't tell the hotel maids about this, okay?)

Department of Duh:
According to a recent news story, lots of people think meat is a good source of fiber. The National Fiber Council (there is one? Really?) says that 62 percent of people surveyed think meat is a source of fiber. Not coincidentally, "sixty-five percent of respondents said they try to eat foods that are high in fiber." (via That'sfit).

Bring On the Googlers, It's Another Breast Item!
As many other female bloggers have no doubt discovered, all you have to do is mention the word "breasts" in a post to lure hordes of mammary-seeking males over to your site. ("Big Bouncy Breasts") works even better. So, hi guys! (And, um, sorry. False alarm. No naked flesh here; try again later, when hell freezes over).

Anyway, this strange breast item was stolen from is courtesy of Marijke. She found a new study that links increased diabetes risk to larger breast sizes. So at least for certain health risks, it's no longer "the bigger the better the tighter the sweater." (Am I the only one old enough to remember "we must, we must, we must improve our bust?")

Speaking of Marijke, check out this great new food-hurling utensil she just found for us, the zing!

And to make this 3 Marijke-related items in a row... want to help out her at her great new blog, Help My Hurt? There's some sort of February comment contest going on at her blog network, so if you've been meaning to stop by and share your thoughts, this is a great month to start doing it!

Crabby's New Digs?

(Photo by Semanchuk.com)

Nah, but Jennifer at Offbeat Homes found this for me and, my goodness it's... um... different! (Offbeat homes has tons of bizzaro houses, many of them way prettier than this one. It's a great place to fantasize about what you'll do with those lotto winnings that should be coming in any week now.)

Risque T.V. Commercials:
Just how I like my commercials--if I have to see them, I'd prefer they be at least a little bit dirty. I'm classy like that.

If it's not your native tongue, here's a very good reason to take English lessons. (Warning: NSFW unless you keep the volume low.)

Guys Like Big Manly SUV's , apparently, though we're not sure women care quite as much.

And finally, this one demonstrates The Many Advantages of Reclining seats.

So have at least a Moderately Happy Friday, everyone!

Fitness Equipment We Hate

[By Crabby]

As threatened promised earlier in the week, there's no way Cranky Fitness is going to post about awesome exercise equipment (or least the kind I like) and not balance it out with a post about the other kind of fitness equipment--the kind that's not so awesome.

Unfortunately, however, some of the items on my "worst" list happen to be other people's "bests." Sorry about that!

I'm guessing that as people weigh in on what they think sucks, they'll be dissin' some of my favorites too. But diss away! Seriously--I actually kind of like it when people hate the very things I'm crazy about. (Like marshmallow-covered yam casserole, for example). It reinforces my own unique individuality and also means there are more marshmallows and elliptical machines in the world for me and I don't have to share!

Anyway, here it is:

Crabby's Entirely Subjective List of Worst Exercise Equipment:

1. Exercise Bicycles.

I have no opinion on spinning bikes, or the thingamabobs that take a regular bike and turn it into an exercise bike. I haven't tried those. I'm talking about the standard issue sit upright and pedal, pedal, moan, and pedal type bike.

Why are they so horrible? How do some of you folks stand them?

I used to spend a lot of time riding a bike outside when I was younger, yet I find the indoor version tremendously painful and unrewarding. I can't get my heart rate up and my legs hurt like hell. There's no FUN in the movement. I need to move my whole body as I do cardio, rising and falling, or slipping and sliding, or bouncing or rolling or stepping or hopping or whatever. But plopped down on a seat, flailing my legs around while my ass and upper body is entirely stationary? Arrgggh.

2. Itty Bitty Ladies Weights.

My favorite tough gal, Kelly at Fitness Fixation, has already ranted quite eloquently about the fact that women often don't lift heavy enough weights to do them any good. I guess for people who like the pretty colors and want to work on their arm endurance during cardio, one and two pound weights might have some purpose.

But I gotta say I just don't get it. Why lift a 2 pound weight 875 times in order to build less muscle than lifting a 25lb (or whatever) dumbell 8-12 times and only being miserable for a few seconds? Has word not gotten out that women don't bulk up without a lot of effort and an unusual amount of testosterone? (Some of us would actually like more muscle definition and have a hell of time getting any).

Note: if you're new to fitness or whatever, start where you need to. I just personally want to spend time with those damn things if they're not doing me any good. (Also, for some really informative tips on real weight lifting technique, go visit Stumptuous. (Thanks for the tip, Jaime!) )

3. Resistance Bands.

The thing I don't like about them is that they sound so good and so I keep trying them over and over. Because after all, they're light-weight and cheap and practical and everyone swears they get a great workout with them. I even saw some study that says they do a fairly good job.

But then whenever I try them, they seem totally lame and worthless. What's wrong with me?

Through most of the range of motion, there's, like, no resistance at all. Then for about two inches, they're insanely impossible and, if you're trying to use them on your legs, they cut into your flesh. I end up doing these herky-jerky little two inch repetitions and cursing a lot and promising I'll never try them again.

Until the next time I read somewhere how great they are.

4. Almost Any Equipment Found at a Cheap-Ass Gym.

You know those gyms that buy crappy low-end equipment and/or don't perform any maintenance or ever do any repairs? I run into this on the road a lot. Tiny small-town gyms and and hotel fitness rooms are the worst.

Anyway, so you wait your turn and finally a cardio machine of some kind is open and then you find out it goes squeeeeek squeeeek squeeeek or thunka thunka thunkity thunk with every footfall. No matter how loud you turn up the music, you know other people can hear it and they hate you.

(No, it's not your fault, but trust me, they hate you. When I'm lucky enough to have the quiet one, I still hate the person on the noisy one for being so irritating.)

It's not just cardio equipment either. I hate wobbly weight machines, missing pins, broken cords, and a haphazard selection of equipment that leaves major muscle groups unaddressed. (On the plus side, you often get to skip a lot of stuff during travel-workouts without feeling guilty).

5. My Ipod.

Yes, this was on my best list too, because music is essential. And I have an ancient iPod, so perhaps all these issues have been resolved now. But I used to have a Nomad (back when mp3 players were roughly the size of dinner plates, not sticks of gum), and the interface seemed way more friendly. I could easily queue up music to last for hours, was not forever scrolling up and down through various menus.

Even better, before I met iTunes, I could actually share my music with the Lobster, which was only fair, since she actually paid for all those fine songs. But our iPods and computers don't seem to be speaking to one another, and we frequently end up buying the same damn songs twice.

Also, as it happens, I have a particularly satanic iPod full of little quirks:

It will turn itself on spontaneously, even when it's off and locked. Not only that, it will somehow manage to run down its battery even when plugged in and supposedly charging.

The iPod also likes to reboot for no particular reason and reset a bunch of settings. It's favorite is to turn down the contrast ratio, making the screen is unreadable. (Of course, this makes it virtually to impossible to find the contrast button again to fix it back.)

Even better, sometimes when it f*cks with the contrast, it will also change the language setting. Can you find the word "contrast," in nearly-invisible letters, in Czech or Dutch? Gosh, that's fun, especially when you're otherwise ready to head out for your run.

And finally, for some reason, it has a huge ego. When it's plugged into my laptop, which is already plugged into the wall socket, my arrogant iPod thinks it should supply all the power for both machines. Or something--the iPod will literally go from full to empty within ten minutes when I try to transfer songs from my computer.

I hate (love) hate my iPod. (And actually, I need a new mp3 player. Is there an alternative that won't mean losing the 300 plus songs I've already purchased from iTunes? Or am I Pod-slave forever now?)

All right, that's far more than enough of my whining (for today). Your turn! What do you guys hate? (Or heck be cheerful and like something, that's okay too.)

Fitness Fantasy: Adult Playground

Cartoon courtesy of Joy of Tech

Oh dear.

I saw this cartoon and I laughed--but dang it, I've always had this little fantasy that someone would open up a new chain of gym-like facilities that were just big playgrounds for adults.

(And no, I don't mean the X-rated version of "adult," though no doubt the porn googlers will find their way here, what with words like "adult" and "fantasy" and "equipment" and "swinging" and all.)

No, what I mean is an actual play ground with fun adult-sized equipment. Is it just me or do any of the rest of you walk by kid's playgrounds and wish you could take a turn on the swings or the merry-go-round? I would, except that most of the stuff is too small and adults aren't generally allowed. I'd hate to break something or get arrested as a suspected child kidnapper or something.

So what would we put in our adult playground? There's got to be better ways to combine fitness and fun than elliptical trainers. Maybe we could start with some adult-sized swings and slides and rocking horses, throw in a rock-climbing wall and some pick-up kickball games. Or how about some of these?

• Pedal-powered bumper cars
• Or pedal-powered roller coasters? (Not real scary ones though, okay?)
• Trampolines combined with bungee cords suspended from above so you could really go flying
• Mini American Gladiator contests
• Bigger, crazier pogo sticks

The problem is, when I start to try to figure out how this would work so I can start a franchise and become a trillionaire, the logistics get a little complicated.

Would you sign up for equipment? Would there be time limits? How would you keep your heart rate up if, god forbid, it was time for the merry-go-round but other people were hogging it? Or would you have to pay a fortune to ensure that only a few people were using the playground at the same time so you wouldn't have to share?

Would you need helmets and pads? Would boys and girls play together? What about liability issues...

Sigh. Maybe the cartoon is right after all and playgrounds work better for kids.

What about you--would you go to an adult playground to work out? What would you want to see in there?

Ah Ha--Just What I Thought!

[By Crabby]

So apparently some Australian researchers took a look at how people search the web for health information. And guess what they found?

People pretty much just pay attention to stuff that confirms what they already believe.

As one of the researchers said: "Even if people read the right material, they are stubborn to changing their views. This means that providing people with the right information on its own may not be enough."

Gosh, what a surprise.

I recognize this "I'm going to believe what I want to believe" tendency in myself, obviously. But I do at least know it's a fault, not a virtue. As much as I spout off my opinions, I am at least kind of aware they're opinions, and I try to take other points of view into consideration. Sometimes, I even change my mind!

So this study got me to thinking about the idea psychological maturity. Because I think the ability to get past your own biases and take in new information has something to do with that. So we'll leave the dull topic of "health information on the web" far behind as I go out on a limb and invent my own Simplistic Psychological Dichotomy!

Unfortunately, personality traits do not come in convenient black and white categories. But it's much more fun to pretend they do instead of dealing with a big messy continuum. So for the sake of discussion, we're going to divide the world up into two kinds of people: the Screaming Baby-Heads, and Wishy-Washy Grown-Ups.

Who are the Screaming Baby-Heads? Well, their whole lives are like the Australian study. They only take in information they want to take in. They just haven't achieved the ego-strength to separate their own desires, biases, emotions, and fantasies from reality. A "reality" apart from their own self-interest is too threatening and just not very much fun, so it can't exist.

The Wishy-Washy Grown-Ups, while not immune from Baby-Headedness in certain circumstances, have at least learned that they filter "reality" through their own perception. These people acknowledge, at least in theory, that they are not always right about everything. They know that even if they really want something to be true, sometimes it isn't. When evidence changes or new perspectives emerge, they may even (gasp) change their minds. These people are not, obviously, allowed to head up corporations or run our governments or even be listened to much anymore because they "flip-flop" and they're not decisive, strong, and steadfast like people who never question themselves. They're boring when they speak because they're always saying things like "possibly" and "I could be wrong" and "on the other hand."

I have a strong suspicion that most regular readers of Cranky Fitness spend the majority of their time being Wishy Washy Grown Ups, which is why I love you all. Even a brief perusal of the comments section reveals curiosity, open-mindedness, respect for others' points of view, and self-deprecating humor, all, in my opinion, hallmarks of emotionally mature adults. So what if that attitude may not get you elected or chosen to star in any reality tv shows? I still say, hooray for WWGU's!

(And actually, not all Screaming Baby-Heads are obnoxious over-confident assholes. There are different kinds of baby-headedness. Some SBH's can freely admit to mistakes, and can actually be really nice to people with whom they don't agree. But, like the obnoxious variety, these babyheads are incapable of believing that their own emotions and desires are not reality. These people fall for the same sociopathic boyfriends over and over, max out their credit cards for luxuries and expect no consequences, and keep believing those ads for miracle diets that will allow them to lose 50 lbs a month while eating all they want.)

So, assuming most of you are WWGU's and know all about the joys and disappointments of boring every-day fact-based reality, here's a brief guide to the life on the other side.

What's good about being a Screaming Baby-Head? Plenty! Check it out:

• Life is simple.
• All the people you like are good people.
• Coincidentally, all the people you don't like are bad people.
• You are the center of the universe.
• Your religion is 100% right and everyone else is screwed, but that's okay because they must deserve it for some reason.
• Your chances of buying a winning lotto ticket are much higher than anyone else's.
• Even though bad things may happen, they will probably go away soon and are never your fault.
• If you are angry at someone, they must have done something very bad to make you angry. Conveniently enough, your emotions are always a perfect mirror of reality. This means you never need to apologize for anything!
  
• If you are attracted to someone, it's because they're perfect.
• If you are no longer attracted to someone who seemed perfect, this is because they are evil and they tricked you. This makes it easy to move on with no regrets.
• Whatever you desire, you deserve.
  
• You don't have to worry about how your actions affect others, because you never do anything wrong.
• Tomorrow is always going to be way better than today, because you're special!
• Because TV networks, box-office hits, and political campaigns are totally tapped into the SBH market, there's always something good to watch and someone great to vote for!
  

Pretty nice, huh? If you're a Wishy-Washy Grown Up grappling with a subtle, complicated, conflicted reality, being a Screaming Baby-Head can start to look pretty darn attractive.

So what's bad about being a Screaming Baby-Head?

• Oddly enough, considering you're such a special person, you don't catch as many breaks as other people. For example, you may get fired for no reason at all!
• Again, strangely, since you're incredibly likable, many people are not nice to you and even people who don't deserve you as a friend don't even try very hard to get to know you.
• People who start off "good people" can instantly turn evil.
  
• Most mystifying of all: so many things keep turning out differently than they should! Where is that happy marriage, that fit healthy body, that rewarding career, that fortune in the bank you deserve? What the hell is up with that?

Someone is obviously responsible for the frustrations of the SBH's. Obviously, it's not their fault... must be some Evil Conspiracy by a bunch of those Wishy-Washy Grown Ups?

Of course I have plenty of babyheadedness of my own to deal with, as I assume we all do... but do any of you know any real Babyheads out there? Or is the whole notion sort of, well, Babyheaded?