I'm afraid this is not a post about athletic contests involving shopping carts.

These do exist. The Chiditarod, for example, looks to be a real hoot. Teams of human "dawgs" pull shopping carts through freezing-ass Chicago streets for charity, complete with special guidelines for sabotaging other teams. What's not to like?

But no, this is about the imaginary Olympic Games that take place in my head when I go to the grocery store. I don't think I even realized how often I play these games until I saw a funny post by Marie from Mousearoo's Mumblings.

Marie confessed to being a "Judgy Mcjudgerson" because she noticed that the woman ahead of her at the store bought two items: hoodia, and a package of Rolo's candies. Marie questioned the wisdom of this combination.

Marie asked if other folks ever found themselves judging the purchases of others and I thought, holy crap, YES YES YES YES!!!

I am absurdly, ridiculously judgmental about the items people buy. Even though I may smile and make conversation with other shoppers as though I were a normal person, I'm secretly thinking:

"Hey, middle-aged wheezy guy with the large gut and red face and ear hair (ok, so the ear hair isn't relevant, it's just kinda gross)--yeah you, Mr. Good Chance of a Heart Attack on the Golf Course Next Weekend: Do you really need to buy all that bacon and salami and sour cream and chips and full-fat milk and pepperoni pizza and Ben and Jerry's? You think that one head of lettuce redeems that whole basket of junk? Buster, that's iceberg lettuce! It doesn't even count!!!"


You think it's immature and obnoxious to judge other people like that? Wait, it gets worse...

I actually feel competitive about the stuff in my cart. I want to have the healthiest bunch of groceries the cashier has seen that day or even that week.

Do I realize that neither the cashier nor anyone in line gives a rats ass what I buy? Well, yeah, if I think about it rationally. But what fun is being rational when self-delusion is so much more gratifying?

For other neurotic nutballs like myself who want to play shopping cart Olympics, here are some handy rules and tips. Notice that these rules are one-sided rules devised to make it easier to WIN! Because what's the point of competing in anything if you're gonna lose?

1. Judge others by your own standards: As we all know, there are many competing nutritional theories out there; research is often contradictory, and folks of different ages and life philosophies have different goals. So let's say you started on a vegan raw food diet two days ago because of something you read a magazine, and you are chatting with a 96 year old man behind you in line who has fought in 7 wars and still runs ultramarathons. If he has a steak in his shopping cart and you do not: score one for YOU!

2. Don't go to the Farmers Market the same day you go to the regular grocery store. Because you bought your produce there, right, and it was all healthy and organic and local? And now you've got nothing but your less impressive, somewhat processed, "compromise" foods in your cart. So yeah, you know you're going to put organic chard and garlic and local tomatoes in your "Barilla Plus" pasta tonight but how will the cashier and the people in line know that?

Defensive trick: If you are shopping with a family member or a significant other, you can restore any lost Farmers Market credit by working anything you bought there into the conversation. Yes, you will sound like a total jerk, but isn't it worth it to let everyone know that you get better produce at the Farmers Market than at the big chain grocery store?

3. Shop only for yourself. What if a friend or relative asks you to pick up a case of Red Bull, a bag of Oreo Double Stuffs, and a carton of cigarettes? People are going to think you're buying them for yourself!!!! It's almost as bad as when your grandmother runs out of that big bottle of her favorite laxative.

Tip: You can ask the cashier questions about these products to clarify that they're not for you: "My friend wants, um, a package of "Marlboros" but she didn't say what kind. Do they come in different colors?"

4. Special rules apply at super healthy hippy stores: It's no fun to play grocery cart Olympics if everyone around you has piles and piles of exotic produce, dried legumes and unrecognizable grains bought in bulk, cheeses made from the milk of unfamiliar mammals, foreign fermented unpronounceable curds, green juices, seaweed and hemp-based food items, etc. Especially if they remembered their reusable little canvas market bags and you never got around to buying one in the first place!

So in this case: You get bonus points for shopping at the same place as these uber-healthy, gastronomically adventurous creatures. This means you get credit for everything healthy in THEIR carts too, just because you shop at the same store. In this case, the cashier is not the imaginary judge who will award you your medal; rather, it is all the people "out there" who might be hypothetically impressed that you shop at such a virtuous establishment.

5. This last tip is so obvious I forgot to include it the first time and had to re-edit: Don't play the game when you've got too much crap in your own cart! We all have those days when we deserve some junk, or at least manage to talk ourselves into the idea that we deserve some junk. Just like an Olympic athlete doesn't need to enter every event, an Olympic Neurotic Competitive Shopper gets to sit out a few contests and freely toss Snickers bars or Pringles tubes or whatever into the cart. No one will notice, right?

Does anyone else feel either Smug or Sheepish about what you put in your cart? Do you notice what anyone else is buying?

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Mr. Random Number Generator was feeling miffed that he wasn't eligible to win this lovely giveaway. Nevertheless, he huffed and puffed and generated the random number that means the winner is...

Emily, of Walking Contradiction!

Congratulations, Emily. Please send your name and mailing address to crabbymcslacker at gmail dot com by Wednesday, February 4th. And get ready to rumba!

Read more...

What do people mean when they say detox diet?

The term "Detox Diet" has more meanings than Paris Hilton has brain cells outfits.

I understand people wanting to get rid of toxins in their fat cells.
I understand people who want to avoid ingesting toxic fats, like Dr. Sears.
But when people say "Detox Diet" they seem to be referring to a different concept altogether. Usually it seems to be code for "another dramatic way to lose weight."

There are myriad stories on the web about people who spend several days doing things like eating bean sprout (yes, just the one) and drinking naught but lightly steamed water. It makes me wonder -- are they trying to imitate what celebrities do in fancy resorts, only without the high-priced tonic water and paparazzi?

Master Cleanse: More legal than LSD, but just as healthy

The most popular Detox Diet I've found out there is the Master Cleanse, wherein the victims dieters are required to subsist on water, lemons, maple syrup and cayenne pepper for days. They start hallucinating and rave about all the weight they lost. (Okay, not all of them hallucinate. Or at least, not all of them talk about it, like Gwyeth Paltrow.)

Sheesh. It would be much simpler to find a local friendly drug dealer and purchase some over-the-top hallucinogenic substances. You'd enjoy the process as much, if not more so, and hey! You might lose weight!

Oh wait, sorry, the phone's ringing...

What's that? Lawsuit? Oh, nobody's going to... Oh. All right. Fine.

Ahem. I have been reminded that it should be made clear that Cranky Fitness does not in any way endorse indulging in activities whose side effects might include getting arrested, roughed up, or mildly deceased. Please consult your physician, pastor, or parole officer before proceeding.

All the same, I think it makes as much sense to put illegal substances into your body as it does to try and get by, even for a few days, on a diet that provides one vitamin (vitamin C) in small doses and has no other nutritionally redeeming qualities.

What is up with people who insist on these extreme cleansing diets, but refuse to eat sensibly the rest of the time? A diet has to hurt, that's okay with them, but God forbid it should make sense?

The Perfect World Detox Diet

Though you'll never find it on the Internet under this name, there's also the "In a Perfect World" detox diet:

- Switch off the computer, television, blackberry or children* and get some sleep
- Drink unembellished spring water
- Wear only unbleached cotton
- Follow only organic vegetarian-based meal plans
- Rid your mind of all negative thoughts, anger, or resentment
[Brace yourself, here comes the tough part]
-Cut out all meat, dairy, alcohol, sugar and caffeine from your diet

(*And if you can manage that trick, please let the rest of the world know about it. You'll earn the gratitude of thousands and make millions.)

Y'know, if you follow this Perfect World diet, it really will help your liver, and your kidneys, and your waistline.

And afterwards, you can go on to solve Global Warming, eh?

I think the only way I would follow this diet with any degree of fidelity would be to move to a shack in the middle of the woods and become a hermit. And even then I'd probably find a way to cheat.

Sure, you probably should avoid all the bad stuff and subsist on lightly steamed bean sprout(s). But seriously -- are you going to do it? For more than a week or so? The Cranky Fitness philosophy is that exercising and eating healthy are both a pain sometimes. If too much of a pain, you probably won't do it, at least not for long.

So why not try a different approach?

The Cranky Fitness Metox Diet

- Switch off (if possible) the computer, television, blackberry or children and get some sleep.
- If you want to get toxins out of your body, then focus on not putting them in your mouth! Avoid meat or dairy that has been messed up with antibiotics or hormones; buy organic vegetables.
- Go work up a sweat with Manuel (Or whoever makes you hot and sweaty.)
-Rather than cut out all meat, dairy, alcohol, sugar and caffeine from your diet, try cutting out two or even three of the five. Leave yourself some leeway for the occasional 'bad' food.
- Avoid any food or drink with a long list of polysyllabic ingredients.
Note: sodas, even Weight Watchers soda, usually include wood ester. The people who make this stuff say the amount is too low to affect humans. The people who analyze this stuff say there are no long-term studies to verify one way or another. Me, I say if you have to add wood by-products to keep the soda stable, then I'll pass.

The Metox principle is to limit the bad stuff to a level that you and your liver can both accept. It's not as dramatic, but it is a lot more doable than some of the other DeTox diets out there. Plus, you don't have to send 3 simple installments of $24.99 to get the secret!

What's that? I supposed to charge people for this information? Oh crap.

Additives to 'flush' your liver? Flush the additives instead!

What really bothers me is when people want to 'flush' the liver with additives. The liver is not a sewer! If you want to flush, use a toilet. Any additive that claims to 'flush' things is definitely wandering into Ask Your Doctor territory. Especially if you're already losing weight.

Even people who advocate Caloric Restriction (severely limiting the number of calories you eat -- not as a short-term diet, but as a lifestyle) do not recommend losing a lot of weight in a hurry:

"Our foods contain various chemicals (e.g. pesticides) that are fat soluble.... losing fat (weight) too quickly will flush lots of toxic chemicals into our bloodstream -- too fast for our bodies to effectively eliminate."


A Detox Diet really should be a list of things not to eat or drink, plus some obvious injunctions to sleep more and exercise more. Things you already know, in other words.

If you want to do something exotic, go on a round-the-world cruise or climb to the top of a secluded Himalayan peak and consult with some ancient guru. But please don't go messing around with any additives that purport to 'flush' your liver without having a chat with your friendly local physician first.

I realize not all the people who advocate flushing your system are trying to scam you. Some really are trying to be helpful. But there are enough dangers inherent in the whole concept that it drives me into skeptical mode.

Here are some more views on detoxing:

Flush those toxins! Eh, not so fast

Woman left brain damaged by detox

'No proof' detoxing diets work

If I sound cranky, it's because it pisses me off to see people being taken advantage of by other 'experts' who claim to 'help' the patients while helping themselves to their cash.

Or else it's because I'm jealous that I'm not hanging out with Brittney and Paris by the pool.

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Photo: boozysmurf

Pasta Queen just wrote a great post called "busted" about running into her brother at the grocery store just after she had grabbed a couple of Cadbury Creme Eggs. I don't know that I've tried one of these things, but they do indeed sound delicious. I've been totally craving chocolate lately. Is it just me, or do chocolate cravings seem more pronounced in winter?

Anyway, for those of you with a bit of time to kill, here's an alternative suggestion for what to do should you find yourself in close proximity to a bunch of Cadbury Creme Eggs and don't have a sibling available to stage an intervention.

Warning: some assembly required.

Video via CollegeHumor.

(And if you like these Rube Goldberg type videos, here's one for us vicarious pyromaniacs. Anyone else harbor a secret love of setting things on fire? Personally, I limit myself to candles, fireplace logs, and marshmallows, but if I had a setup like this in the garage...)

Also via CollegeHumor.

As may be obvious, I didn't get the chance to write up a real post for today. Just one of those days when Life got in the way. After almost 2 years of blogging, it has finally occurred to me that rather than stressing about it, I can just remind myself that the world won't come to an end if I miss writing a "real" post every now and then.

And if anyone has a some slightly more practical suggestions for avoiding chocolate flavored temptations, please share! I've been trying to take Dr. Judith Beck's advice and "exercise my resistance muscle," but perhaps I need to do a few more reps and sets.

Have a great Wednesday, everyone, and I hope to have my act together by Friday! (Thank goodness for Merry Sunshine!)

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There are days when you can't decide whether to work out or not. We have developed the Cranky Fitness Workout Quick-Reference Guide^TM to help you with this difficult decision.

Technical note: to read the Quick Reference Guide, click on the image below.

Don't strain your eyes trying to read it as is. And don't ask me about technical difficulties that require this extra step, or I'll start cussing. Not at you, at Blogger.






Obligatory fine print:

The legal department wants you to know that charts found on a blog do not replace serious medical advice.
For that matter, the beagle department wants to know if you'll come outside and play.
The eagle department is currently dealing with ruffled feathers and thus is unavailable to comment.
The Smeagol department is concerned with the finding of a lost ring, presumed stolen.
And the regal department would like you all to sit up straight once in a while.

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Photo credit

Some folks are adventurous optimists. They assume that all new experiences will be fun. Ask one of these folks: "Hey, optimist, wanna go Naked Ice Fishing in the Antarctic?" Chances are they'll say "Sure, count me in!" And even if they go naked ice fishing, catch nothing but a bad cold and even lose a few extremities to frostbite in the process, you can still ask them next time: "Hey optimist, want to go sunbathing in the Sahara?" And their answer will be: "Sure, count me in!"

And then there are their opposites. I am one of these creatures. You can call us "party poopers," or just say we're "cautious." We are picky about how we spend our time. We assume that most new things outside of the tried-and-true will NOT be fun. Our default answer to most new activities is "no thanks!"

Before you say "how terrible! That's so limiting!" keep in mind that our ability to say "no thanks" is often hard-won. Most of us crankypants cautious types have been talked into outings and parties and performances for decades and we've been assured we will LOVE them. And then we go, only find ourselves bored, anxious, disappointed, or annoyed. We've learned to trust our own instincts and ignore the enthusiastic promises of the adventurous optimists. Don't get me wrong: we Party Poopers still have plenty of fun; we're just way more selective about how we have it.

All this is to say that while in San Diego, Crabby McSlacker, queen of the Crankypants Party Poopers, got talked into a "Sound Energy Healing" session involving the playing of Tibetan singing bowls (and bells and gongs and other exotic objects).

How did this happen? Well, it was one of those situations where despite some skepticism I couldn't really decline unless I wanted to be a total... what's the female equivalent of a prick, anyway? So the Cautious Crab went off with the Lobster to a sound healing session, generously offered by a friend's mother who happens to be a certified Tibetan bowl practitioner (and a very cool person).


So what does a Tibetan Singing Bowl Sound Healing session entail, and does research say it's effective or is it just a whole lot of hooey?

The Science of Sound

Actually, there does seem to research backing the notion that various kinds of sound, music and rhythms can have healing powers. According to oncologist, Mitchell Gaynor, "We know that music is capable of enhancing immune function, lowering heart rate, lowering stress-related hormones like cortisol that raise our blood pressure and depress our immune systems." Other research suggests that music "trims complications after heart attack, calms anxiety, slows breathing and increases production of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers."

Gaynor is a big proponent of using Tibetan bowls to help cancer patients, but says that there is more going on than just the effects of relaxation. He implies that there is something special about these bowls that taps into spiritual energy that can help cancer patients heal.

Furthermore, in a sound healing article in the New York Times, one practitioner explained: "When the body is sick - it could be a cold, a broken bone, an ulcer, a tumor, or an emotional or mental illness - it's all a matter of the frequencies of the body being out of tune, off balance, out of synch. Vibration can help bring that back into balance."

Er... maybe. I'm frankly skeptical about the whole vibrational balance explanation. I think that there is so much evidence about the beneficial effects of stress reduction, meditation, and even placebo power that we don't even need to go there. But hey, if people believe that the sound vibrations are going into their bodies and messing with their cells in positive ways and resetting their frequencies or whatever, I think that's a good thing, whether it's true or not!


What is a Tibetan Bowl Sound Session Like?

It's pretty cool.

We went into a room that had dozens of Tibetan bowls of all sizes as well as some bells and who knows what else. (If I were a proper reporter instead of a lazy blogger, I probably would have thought to ask what all the stuff was). Tibetan bowls can be struck or rubbed, and they have a very rich sound with lots of overtones. Apparently they are tuned to the frequency of "aum." In more technical terms, they sound pretty.

As instructed, we removed our shoes, lay down on a comfortable mat, were covered by a blanket, and were given nice little eye pillow thingies. This triggered pleasant massage associations and was a nice surprise.

Then I start to forget the order of things. Did our host make the trance-inducing suggestions about letting go and ripples and ponds and hearts blossoming open and such before she put the bowls on our chests and bellies? Or did the cool bell tones and chimes start first and then the suggestions and then the belly bowls?

Anyway, I do at least remember that the sounds the bowls made being struck and rubbed all around us (and on us) were VERY soothing. The tones were rich and warm and layered and luxurious. Because I could feel the vibrations, the sounds seemed to worm their way into deeper places in my head and body than regular music normally goes.

By the end, I was so relaxed I could barely speak.

I didn't go in with any specific medical issues to deal with, so I can't attest to the pain-relieving, disease-fighting properties of Tibetan bowls, but I can say that they are pretty wonderful things to be around. As someone who sucks at meditation, I am always looking for ways to turn down the mental chitter chatter a few notches. (Which is not to say that the yapping in my brain went away entirely, but at least it was contented, meandering, quieter yapping).

Anyway, the Crankypants Crab will continue to defend to her dying day the practice of saying "no thanks!" to new experiences. But, um... sometimes new experiences actually turn out to be awesome. (Thanks Diáne!)


(For more information on Tibetan bowls, Tibetan bowl music cd's, or attending sound healing concerts or presentations, check out Diáne Mandle's Sound Energy Healing site.)

Anyone else try something new that you didn't think you'd like? Were you right or were you wrong?

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Cartoon by Natalie Dee

I may have mentioned before that I'm one of those crackpots who will often heed the results of the health studies I read.

For example, years ago I read that red bell peppers have more nutrients than green ones, and blue potatoes have more than white ones. So I will actually go out of my way to buy blue potatoes and red bell peppers.

I know full well that often these studies are followed up by newer studies that say the opposite. But when I'm not tearing my hair out cursing all the conflicting studies, I tend to remember the last thing I read, and if possible, I do what it says.

On the other hand, sometimes when I don't like the results, I pretend I never even read the study.

Like when I read that you shouldn't put milk in your tea or you won't get any of the antioxidant benefits. I tried tea without milk, didn't like it, and so I said "Feh! I'll drink it the way I like it!" (Actually, I'm guessing I used a different word than "feh," but I bet it also started with an "f".) And while the jury is still out on the whole issue, at least one tea with milk study came along and said--nah, it's ok--go ahead and add milk if you like.


So what's the latest study I plan to ignore?

One that says raw broccoli delivers ten times more of the anti-carcinogen sulforaphane than cooked broccoli.

Which is great news for all you folks who like it raw!

But I hate raw broccoli and don't mind it cooked. More specifically, I like it best if it's overcooked, and combined with other tasty ingredients like olive oil or garlic or cheese.

(And yes, there was indeed an earlier study that said the opposite: that cooking broccoli increased antioxidants. But alas, there's a difference between how much of the good stuff is in the food, and how much actually ends up in your bloodstream, so that's part of the reason the studies go back and forth. Am I ridiculously obsessed with stupid unpredictable antioxidants that keep changing their minds? Yep, apparently so!)

Anyway, as much as I like the idea of all that virtuous sulforaphane being ready and available in raw broccoli, I'm still going to cook the hell out of it. Of course, I could just eat TEN TIMES AS MUCH broccoli as I used to in order to make up for the fact that I cook it, but I think I'd rather say "screw it" and croak a decade or so earlier.

Oh wait. Wasn't I just saying the other day about how I'm feeling all inspired to be more positive on the blog from now on, and not quite so Cranky?

Whoops!

Well, um...

Hang on, I'm thinking...

Got it!!

(If this blog had a soundtrack, harp music would now be playing...)

Broccoli may have been the vegetable they studied, but it isn't the only one that has sulforaphane in it, right? There's cabbage and cauliflower and some other ones too. I bet they're also pretty powerful cancer fighters if eaten raw.

Raw cabbage... that's coleslaw! And raw cauliflower.... that's not so bad! Especially if you dip it in something yummy. (At the moment, let's ignore the fact that most yummy dips are full of saturated fats or the wrong omega's or whatever.)

So until the scientists change their minds again, I'll skip the raw broccoli, but please pass the raw cauliflower and dip. And I'll take a side order of coleslaw!

(Anyone placing bets on how long this whole "have a more positive attitude" thing is gonna last?)


Does anyone else read about health research only to ignore the findings they don't like? Anything in particular you're ignoring at the moment?

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Another review? Merry, what were you thinking?
I was thinking that I needed to balance out the last review with a positive one.
(Can I mention here that the vast majority of PR people are all kind, professional, polite, and nice to work with?)
I reviewed the Core Rhythms Starter Pack, a 4-DVD set featuring Jaana Kunitz and Julia Powers. There's a Kick Start DVD, a Quick Workout, a Full Workout, and a DVD called "Latin Dance Made Easy."

Have to confess, the title of that last one made me nervous. I liked the instructors, Jaana and Julia, but they were definitely slim and flexible, like lithe greyhounds.

Me, I resemble a different kind of greyhound.

Also, I had thought that salsa was something you ate with chips while you were waiting for your enchilada. Not the hippest chica on the block, in other words. I wasn't sure how they could turn me into a hot Latin dancer, but I was curious to see whether I liked the DVDs.


They passed the first test. My new criterion for whether I like a DVD or not is how much talking takes place before they start the warm up. In this case, I estimate it to have been about 12 seconds. Very impressive. Also impressive was the enthusiasm both women displayed. I got the impression they really thought these exercises were fun. They took the time to explain the movements, using the backup dancers as demonstrators. Most of the moves are similar to those in belly dancing, lots of emphasis on using all the core muscles around your waist, but the Latin dance rhythm gives the workout a different tone.

Below is the quick summary. If you click on the Read More, you'll see the full review and details about the giveaway, which incidentally is open to Canadians.

Summary
Good: The workouts were fast enough to get me sweating, but not so fast that I felt I couldn't keep up.
Better: The Latin beat made me want to get moving
Ugly: In most of the DVDs, there was a huge close-up of a dancing torso in the background; it was both distracting and surreal. (See the picture at the top of the page to get an idea of what it's like.)


Also, it was also really cool that these DVD workouts were bi-sexual.

Um, no, not like that.

What I meant was that while most workout DVDs are exclusively women-centric, these workouts had male and female backup dancers. In the Latin Dance DVD, Julia taught the woman's dance moves and her husband demonstrated the man's dance moves.

Likes:
The workout DVDs all have front and back views, so you can watch the instructors from different sides to follow along easily.
The Help section of the Full workout was really cool. If you are following the workout and can't remember how to do a particular movement, clicking Help pauses the action and shows a video clip demonstrating the movement. I approve of this.
The Quick Workout DVD is good for days when you don't have time for the whole enchilada. A 20-minute workout can still work up a sweat, and this one qualifies.
I loved how the Kick Start DVD had a 'split screen' option so you could see a close-up of the torso one one side of the screen while following the instructor on the other. (This DVD did not have the huge surreal dancing torso in the background.)

The Kick Start is designed to show you the basic moves, while the Quick Workout and Full Workout use the moves to make you sweat. The Latin Dance DVD doesn't give you an aerobic workout; it's a dance video designed to train you in basic Latin dance moves. Which it turns out you've been learning all along unbeknownst.

It was fascinating to try the Latin Dance DVD after going through all the core rhythm workout DVDs. I could see each move as it had been shown earlier: the Salsa, the Rumba, and the Merengue. [Note: Some of the other DVDs demonstrate the Samba but the Latin Dance DVD shows the Rumba. Most of the moves in the Rumba are familiar from the workouts.]

While I was sweating off the calories, I was also learning Latin dance moves! Who knew? (Um... probably people who'd read the fine print on the box, but I'm not that kind of girl.) It's difficult for me to think of myself as having "slinky hips" but so long as the drapes were shut tight, what the hell.

Dislikes:
I noted some complaints while I was doing the workout.
- The full workout, I complained at the beginnning that it felt like I was marching in place half the time. However, by the end of the workout I'd scratched this note out. I think the marching was phased out in favor of Latin moves about halfway in to the routine. I do remember stopping and feeling the muscles in my core section. It seemed easy while I was doing it, but the workout did have an effect.
- With the Quick workout, I have a note complaining that the exercises were absurdly easy. Again, by the end of the workout I wasn't complaining. My muscles were.
- Yes, the two instructors talked throughout, but at least it was about the workout. They were good at cueing you for the next move.
- Really, the only complaint I have about these DVDs is that dancing torso in the background. And since I can ignore it to concentrate on the instructors, this isn't a huge drawback.

Core Rhythm DVD Giveaway -- U.S. and Canada!

The people at Core Rhythms are so cool that they'll even ship a copy of the Core Rhythms to Canadians (as well as to USians). Clearly, they're worried about how cold it is in the Frozen North and want to send hot Latin rhythms to keep you from getting frostbite.

To win this DVD set, please leave a comment about how you see yourself: Hot Latin dancer? Or the other kind of Greyhound?

The giveaway ends on Thursday, January 29th at Midnight, Rio de Janerio time. Which by an odd coincidence is 6 p.m. Pacific Standard Time. ('Cause I ain't staying up 'til Midnight my time to meet up with Mr. Random Number Generator, that's why.)

Note to Anonymous: Hmmmn... either Anonymous has entered several comments, or different people have left comments anonymously. If you would like to leave an anonymous comment, but want to be entered in the giveaway contest, could you please leave a name (thanks Sara and Messymimi!) or other means of identification in the comment? A code word, a recognition symbol, e.g. "I'm the anonymous commenter who will be standing by the clock in Grand Central Station at 11 pm next Tuesday, wearing a red carnation." Something like that would be very helpful. Thank you.

This contest is now closed. Sorry.

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Photo via The White House

"...The challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met." --Barack Obama, January 20th, 2009.

I know not everyone was fortunate enough to be able to interrupt a busy workday in order to catch President Obama's inaugural address. But for those of us who saw it: did anyone else find it moving and inspiring?

Politicians are in the business of stringing pretty words together. They tell us flattering things about ourselves and make far-reaching promises for a bright and noble future. Mostly, I don't pay much attention.

This time felt different.

What? Crabby McSlacker, known for her laziness, skepticism, and whining, felt inspired, moved, and energized by a politician's speech? What's this world coming to?

I have to confess, I heard the inaugural address through a partisan filter. Overcome with euphoria at the long-awaited end of the Bush era, I might have cheered the words of an incoming President SpongeBob SquarePants if that's who we'd voted into office.

But re-reading Obama's speech, I'm pretty sure that at least part of my reaction had to do with his eloquent and stirring call to action, and not just my excitement to see the old administration come to a close.

I Needed A Boost

I spend a fair amount of time on the internet reading about health and fitness. Which sounds wholesome and all, but it's frankly sometimes discouraging. We're an unhealthy nation, yet we obsess about flat stomachs and worship anorexic fashion models and act like a bacon cheeseburger, extra large fries and a 64 ounce soft drink is a normal healthy meal.

But aren't there larger, more important issues than the vanity-inspired quest to fit into our skinniest pair of jeans? Yes, I believe there are. First the Fit Bottomed Girls reminded me with a great MLK-themed post, and then Obama came along and gave me another reason to feel like bigger things were at stake.

His speech was not made to Crabby McSlacker about her little health and fitness blog. But... let's pretend it was, shall we? So here, addressing the direction of Cranky Fitness instead of speaking to a troubled world in dire need of hope and new solutions, is President Barack Obama. (And my goodness is that fun to type! President Barack Obama!)


1. On Finding Common Ground

"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord... We come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas..."

Wait, we're supposed to all get along?

In the health and fitness world, we all have our favorite theories about food and fitness. The Atkins people and the Vegans and Weight Watchers and Cronies and Primal folks and the marathoners and the weight lifters and even the Skinny Bitches all take different approaches. And gosh is it fun to argue about it!

Yet all these different camps share some universal goals: to encourage everyone to have a fit, healthy, strong body and a fulfilling and active life.

So why do we spend so much time emphasizing our differences? The vast majority of folks out there are still eating Twinkies and need our encouragement eating any sort of healthy food and getting any sort of exercise.

I know I spend a lot of time poking fun at people who say things I don't agree with. So in the future, instead of mocking others for taking points of view different from mine, I'll ...

Yeah, so I'm lying. I'm gonna keep right on making fun of things I think are dumb. This is Cranky Fitness after all.

However, I'll try to mention a few more positives! And I'll also remember to poke equal fun at myself too, for all the dumb things I fall for. Thanks, Barack!

2. On Acting Like Adults

"The time has come to set aside childish things..."

So many of our personal health and fitness challenges could be easily met if we did a better job of acting like grownups. I'm incredibly fortunate: I can afford healthy food; I have enough spare time to exercise, and I have a safe, non-violent, non-toxic place to live and work and thrive. Yet all too often I sabotage my own health with childish decisions and poison myself with nasty chemicals just because they taste good!

So many people don't even have healthy options; how can I just waste mine?

There is something about having a smart, serious, self-disciplined adult leading our nation that makes me want to try harder not to conduct myself like a selfish infant. For example, if President Obama isn't too busy leading the free world to work out regularly... um, just what the heck is my excuse???

So sure, Mr. President, I'll set aside those childish things... er, just as soon as I finish this cupcake.


3. On Earning Achievements (Uh Oh).

"In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame."


No short cuts? No preferring leisure over work?

Sorry, Barack, I'm gonna have to think this one over a bit and get back to you. I'm not sure I'm ready to change my name to Crabby McDiligent. In fact, "the pleasures of riches and fame" sound kinda cool. Is there any way I could have some of that without any actual effort on my part?

Sigh. You're right, though. I'll try, I promise, to be a little less Slacky.

Oh, unless you were just talking to the One Rule For a Flat Stomach folks?

You weren't, were you. Darn.

4. On Helping Others

"For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate."

These examples, like the "Dreams" post I mentioned above over at FBG, remind me that so many people are in need. There are families all over the world who are caught in wars, suffer horrible abuse, and don't even have the basics in terms of sanitation, food, and drinking water. And there are plenty closer to home who are suffering as well. Whether it be money, time, or even a kind or encouraging word at just the right moment... there will always be a need for whatever we can spare. There may be scary times ahead before things get better.

So no smartass asides here, Mr. President... this is good stuff.


5. On The Power of Big Plans

"Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage."

I tend to focus on the Cranky part of Cranky Fitness--how hard it all seems sometimes to forego the easy road; to do the work necessary and battle the seductive temptations of a self-indulgent lifestyle.

But I often forget to mention, let alone celebrate, the amazing victories ordinary folks have achieved through determination and hard work! And not just for themselves, but for their families and communities.

Words have power to inspire, and with inspiration comes action, and with action comes change.

President Barack Obama, if the power of your words could inspire me, Crabby McSlacker, into wanting to make changes in my own life... then wow, words must be powerful motivators! Perhaps I should remember to use that power for good occasionally and not just snarkiness.


"What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them."

Has it? Did I just feel something quiver? That would be wonderful indeed.


Does anyone else feel hopeful or inspired despite the hard times that loom ahead? What helps you feel more energized and less discouraged?

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(OK, so I wouldn't eat it either.)
photo: Failblog

I am not a parent. And it has been many, many decades since I was a child.

So I really have no business even addressing the topic of kids who are picky eaters and how to handle them.

But of course that won't stop me! So, just a warning: this post may well offend some of you parents. I'm afraid I'm just an old fuddy-duddy and need some help in understanding the issues involved. Things seem to have changed quite a bit since I was a youngster.

In a nutrition column in the SF Chronicle, a reader recently asked expert Marion Nestle this question:

"I am very concerned about my 6-year-old grandson's diet. I don't believe he has ever eaten fruit or veggies or regular food. He loves chocolate and candy and frosting, and at dinner time has his special foods. His pediatrician says not to worry, but his parents are worried and afraid of making eating an issue. What to do?"

Before we get to the answer, and some actual helpful tips for the parents of picky eaters, can I just tell you how this question struck me? It was as though this poor grandparent had written:

"I am very concerned about my 6-year-old grandson's recreational activities. I don't think he's ever played with a ball or ridden a bike. He loves his assault rifles and bourbon and cocaine and hardcore porn magazines. His parole officer says not to worry, but his parents are worried and afraid to make his hobbies an issue. What to do?"

OK, so it's not quite the same thing... but does anyone else wonder if parental deference to kids' preferences sometimes goes too far?

Most Parents Do a Great Job!

I just want to note that most parents I know handle these issues really well. And I'm sure regular readers at Cranky Fitness are flexible and compassionate, while still managing to get their kids to eat something besides candy and frosting. (In fact, I hope some of you have advice from the trenches you can help us out with in the comments). It must be so frustrating to have a kid go through a phase where he or she hates most normal food. Dinnertime as battleground? I can see how that would be really unpleasant.


But WTF is Up With Kids Being Totally in Charge?

This is more than just a picky food issue. I am frequently surprised to see how parents and children interact these days--all that begging and pleading and whining and pouting! Seriously, parents, it's just not dignified when you do that.

When I was a kid, we also had discussions and negotiations--after all, I was part of the spoiled baby boomer generation. (Before that, I believe kids were supposed to be "seen and not heard.") However, when we discussed stuff with our parents, it was understood that parents had the final say. Kids were expected to understand reasonable adult explanations, like, "because I said so that's why," and not put up a fuss.

Here is some more historical perspective:


How Parents Dealt With Picky Eating In the Really Olden Days:

This is before my time, but I'm pretty sure that kids in the olden days who did not want to eat what was offered did not eat, period. If kids took it too far and accidentally perished, the parents simply made more kids.

Candy and sweets must not have even existed, because kids got all excited when they got one crappy little orange in their Christmas stocking.

Oh, yeah, and parents used to make kids drink cod liver oil for no reason at all except, apparently, sadism.


How Picky Eating Was Dealt With In My Generation:

It varied from family to family, but I don't think my experience was unusual:

Junky foods like ice cream and potato chips and hamburgers and candy were treats, not staples. They were often used as rewards and could be taken away if we were bratty. As kids, trying to demand any of these foods would have been useless, unless our goal was to spend the rest of the day exiled to our rooms.

Dinners were eaten as a family and we all ate the same thing. Kids had to try at least a small portion of everything on our plate or we wouldn't get dessert. No matter how vile a vegetable was, we generally managed to choke down a few bites in order to get something sweet afterward.

Note: these mealtime tactics are now considered akin to child abuse, as they are supposed to give kids eating disorders and traumatize them etc. Oddly enough, these primitive methods worked pretty well for me. Having choked down vegetables repeatedly for all the wrong reasons, I got used to the way they tasted and then even grew to like them. (By contrast, the Lobster grew up in a household where no one much liked vegetables, so she didn't have to eat them. And guess what? She still hates most of them to this day.)


What The Experts Are Now Saying You Should Do

Between the Chronicle "fussy eater" article above, a USDA page on preschool picky eaters and a Mayo Clinic list of tips for children's nutrition, here is a big ol' list of suggestions. Some of these seem really smart! Others, well, I'll be curious to see what actual parents think of them.

• Model healthy eating habits by eating healthy food yourself.
• By the time kids are 2 years old, they generally can and should eat what adults eat.
• With small kids, you can cut or mash the foods, serve smaller portions and don't add sugar or salt.
• Involve kids in shopping and cooking. "Take the foods home and let kids peel fruit, pare vegetables, mix, mash and measure. Let them taste everything. Teach kids to cook."
• Kids do not need sodas or candy. You can postpone these indefinitely or reserve them for occasional treats.
• Once babies can handle solid foods, you can offer a new food once a week. If the child tolerates it, move on to the next.
• A child's willingness to accept an unfamiliar food depends on how frequently the food is offered. You might have to offer a food at 20 meals before a child will taste it.
• Start by presenting tiny portions of everything served at family meals, give the child time to play with and taste the foods, and remove anything not eaten after a short while.
• Have plenty of healthful foods available - and offer nothing else. Do not make substitutions.
• Try to make meals a stress-free time. Talk about fun and happy things.
• Offer ultimatums choices. Rather than ask "Do you want broccoli for dinner?" ask “Which would you like for dinner: broccoli or cauliflower?”
• Offer a variety of foods and let your child choose how much of these foods to eat.
• Offer the same foods for the whole family. Don’t make a different meal for your preschooler. Your child will be okay even if they don’t eat a meal now and then.
• Respect your child's hunger — or lack of hunger. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.
• Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his or her eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.
• No juice or snacks for at least one hour before meals.
• Don't expect too much. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.
• Limit liquid calories. If your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.
• Don't force your child to clean his or her plate.
• Don't mention taste. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.
• Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.
• Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. (Really, this is supposed to be fun for kids? Now using the veggies to catapult the dip against the wall--that sounds like fun!) Or, cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.
• Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.
• If your child doesn't like ingredients thrown together,"unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.
• Be consistent: serve meals and snacks at about the same time every day, and "close" the kitchen at other times.
• Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.
• Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.
• And finally, (and the suggestion I liked the least): Don't offer dessert as a reward. This sends the message that dessert is the best food.

Well, sorry Mayo clinic, but dessert IS the best food!!! If we could blame our adult love of sweets on our parents using them as bribes, isn't that a pretty easy problem to fix? Parents, from now on, just say: "Sweetie, you know you have to finish your tater tots or you won't get any broccoli after dinner." Voila, problem solved!

So obviously I have NO idea about how to deal with this issue in real life. Do you folks have any thoughts/opinions/war stories on the Picky Eater issue?

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Mr. Random Number Generator had a hard time with this one, I could tell. So many commenters left little compliments for him that he was getting rather smug. Nevertheless, he churned the numbers and declared that the winner is...

Gazelle, from Gazelles on Crack!

Congratulations! Please send your name and mailing address to crabbymcslacker @ gmail .com (yes, without the spaces) by Monday, January 26th.

Read more...

A note to PR people:
Below are my official product review guidelines. They have not been reviewed by my esteemed co-blogger, as Ms. Crabby McSlacker is currently in re-crab, trying out for American Idol, in seclusion working on her next post driving hundreds of miles to eat at her favorite restaurant.

Yes, I will be glad to review products, under the following conditions:

1 - I like the product, or at least think it will make an interesting post.
2 - You understand that I will write about the positive and the negative aspects of the product.
3 - You tell me up front, before I agree to the review, if there are any urgent deadlines for a product review. Otherwise, my aim is to review the product within 3 weeks of receiving it.

Please keep condition #3 in mind.

In particular, avoid the following scenario:

Do not send me a DVD on a Friday afternoon, then on Monday morning send me an email saying you need me to review it within the week.
If I demur, do not send me an irate email claiming you sent the DVD "a long time ago."
Also, do not then try to nice-guilt me into doing the review asap when I've already explained to you that that would mean breaking my word to other PR people, i.e. people to whom I've already given a commitment.

Okay, are we clear? Good.


With that in mind, I would like to mention that my review of the Skinny Bitch Boot Camp DVD might have a wee bit of a negative bias...

...because right now I'm kind of pissed off.

At the start, all I knew about the Skinny Bitches was a guest post written by the fabulous Jamie back in April. So aside from my encounter with a certain PR person, I put the DVD into the player without knowing what to expect.

I hit Play All and waited. Looking back, that was where I made my mistake.

The DVD started out with a brief talk by the Skinny Bitches. I'm not sure what it was about, because I zoned out after the first 30 seconds, but I think it was supposed to be meaningful and uplifting.

Then after a brief pause there came another uplifting and meaningful talk. Again, I zoned out. It wasn't a repeat of the first talk, because they were wearing different outfits.

Then came the warm up, and damn me if they didn't start that out with more of the uplifting and meaningful crap. The mouths get quite the workout in this DVD.

The Skinny Bitches (Mouth) Warmup:

They did glib little exercises. And they never stopped talking.
Then they did superficial little stretches. And they never shut up.

Most exercise DVDs have an instructor who stands up front and talks a lot, but usually they give the impression they actually mean what they're saying. Listening to compliments about the Skinny Bitches' cute butts got old very quickly. Likewise, comments like "Whew! I'm sweatin'!" one minute into the warm up came across as completely insincere. I found myself wishing they would depart from the "you go girl!" persona and delve into a deeply convoluted dissertation on Wittgenstein's views on neo-Nazi cross-dressing. Something, anything different from this meaningless patter.

Honestly, it was like being at the gym and having a neighbor who's constantly on their cell phone yapping with their friends about absolutely nothing. (You can't turn off the yapping and just listen to the music. I tried.)

A brief interval wherein I praise snarky bitchery

You'd think with a name like 'Skinny Bitches' there would have been some attitude, but it was all platitude -- with a few repetitions of 'bitch' and 'ass' thrown in to show that they were hip and cool. Every would-be sharp comment came out pat and rehearsed, like they were reading it off the script prompter.

I mean, I admire snarky bitchery when it's done right. The Smart Bitches, Trashy Books website is the epitome of snarky b. (These women review romance novels. Here's a link to one classic example.) They can be mean, but they can also be edgy and unexpected and funny.

The two Skinny Bitches... well, no.

The Skinny Bitches Boot Camp (no sweat) workout:

Doesn't the phrase 'boot camp' suggest a workout that's supposed to be challenging? Make your heart beat faster, make you feel like you're asking your body to work a bit harder?

I'm certainly not the fittest bunny on the block, not even close. And yet I had no difficulty keeping up with these chicas. At the beginning, they solemnly warned the viewer that if the routines were too difficult, just keep moving. Do what you can. Then they provide the most lukewarm example of a workout I've yet to come across.

This wouldn't have been so irritating if the workout hadn't been hyped "A Fat-Blasting, Body-Altering, Butt-Kicking Workout!" I had expected to be sweating at the end of the workout, but I wasn't.

The Abs section of the workout was missing from the DVD I was given to review. (The SBs announced "Now we're doing Abs!" Then 2/3 of the screen went magenta. When it cleared, the title read "Cool Down.")

If you want to see what the Abs workout looks like, here's a sample. Mercifully, they don't talk so much in this clip:

Skinny Bitch: Boot Camp- Abs on Mats - The most popular videos are a click away

Extras

At the end of the DVD, the SBs included some 5-minute workouts. Five minutes isn't long enough to get much of a workout, but to be fair I tried the 5-minute arms workout. It felt very lightweight, and damn me if they didn't recycle the same @#$! jokes that they'd used in the boot camp section. These were really irritating to listen to the first time, the second time around was beyond irritating. I can't imagine listening to this DVD several times a week. Not without some extra-strong Prozac.

There were a couple of interviews on the DVD as well, but after sitting through all the introductions, I didn't think I could take any more.

Summary

On the positive side, this workout is not difficult to pick up. It's a little irritating when they change exercises while the camera is showing an above-the-waist closeup, which happened two or three times, but aside from that it is quite easy to do. And I did like the fact that they threw in some balance work. I can't find any other reasons to recommend this DVD.

I can respect that they want to make this workout something pretty much everyone can do, but they should have hyped this DVD as something other than a "butt-kicking" workout. [Note: I found a couple of other reviewers who agreed that this workout was too easy. On the other hand, this review of the same DVD claims that it's too hard for an absolute beginner.]

I was also sent a second Skinny Bitches DVD to review, but since this review was a rush/screaming emergency I don't feel guilty about putting the second review off for another day.

Read more...

San Diego's Balboa Park

So the Crab and Lobster are heading off early this morning on a road trip to visit some friends in San Diego. We're psyched!

(And honestly, while driving is risky too, we are very happy we're not taking a plane. Yesterday's water landing and passenger rescue was one of the most scary/awesome stories I've heard about in a while. Three cheers for a well-trained, level-headed, heroic pilot and flight crew!)

Anyway, in addition to being the home of cool friends, San Diego was my old college stomping grounds. (I'm a UCSD alum, Revelle College, class of 19.. ahem, cough, cough mumble mumble). So there are a number of important scholarly questions I must research! Like: What sort of innovative health studies are going on in those campus science labs? Is Filippi's Pizza still there? How about that cheap Mexican restaurant near the racetrack that used to serve wine margaritas to college freshman without even requiring fake id? Are the health needs of the San Diego population being met in a comprehensive and sustainable matter? Is Black's Beach still clothing-optional? Is La Jolla still beautiful and snooty? Is Hillcrest still gay?) I shall clearly be very, very busy collecting important data.

Anyway, with the Crab off on another road trip, and it being Friday...what does that all add up to? Yep, you guessed it--a random mess of leftover research and random links and silliness instead of a real post.

But fear not, Merry will be wearing the Crankypants this coming Monday, and the Crab hopes to get her act together with a post that's actually about something health-related on Tuesday. In the meantime... let's get rolling with the randomness, shall we?

Obesity Not Going Away Anytime Soon

Keep in mind that being merely overweight is not necessarily a health risk--in fact, research suggests those who are overweight but not obese actually tend live longer than those who have a normal BMI. However, obesity is a health risk, and a recently-released health survey says there are now more obese Americans (34%) than those who are merely overweight (32.7%).

Also, with the cratering economy, many health professionals are worried that even more folks will put on "recession pounds." They say "cheap sources of calories tend to be high in total fats and sugars."

(And speaking of recessions and pounds, Ali from The Office Diet wants people to know that her ebook, Dieting Basics, is discounted to $4 through the end of January. Warning to other folks selling things: Ali is a good friend of the blog and has helped us out with quite a few great guest posts! We don't ordinarily put in random plugs for stuff that's on sale unless you do our work for us, or at least bribe us sufficiently. Plus, Ali is a sensible gal and we trust her diet advice.)


Facing Surgery? Will Your Surgeons Use a Checklist?

Most people would see this study on the effectiveness of surgery checklists as a positive thing--after all, once these checklists were instituted at various hospitals, patient mortality rates were cut nearly in half and complications decreased by more than a third.

But yikes! As a worrywart, this study made me even more nervous about ever needing surgery. In the article, it was noted that even after new policies were instituted, compliance with checklists still wasn't great. And experts are skeptical whether surgeons will keep using the checklists, or will start blowing them off once no one is watching them all that closely. Some of the issues these checklists address, like--is this the right patient? Did we leave any sponges inside?--you really hope someone is double-checking on.


Get More Sleep!

There are a LOT of reasons why you need to get enough sleep. A recent study adds yet another one: a better ability to fight off cold viruses. People who slept less than seven hours a night were about three times more likely to get a cold than people who slept eight hours or more a night.


Moving Vans in Blogland:

Was anyone else terribly sad to hear that the amusing and thought-provoking blog Elastic Waist closed its doors at the end of 2008? (Conde Nast, tsk tsk!) However, the bloggers behind Elastic Waist didn't go away, thank goodness, and you can still catch up with their exploits at their individual blogs, or at their new portal site, Dearest Mabel. Also listed as a potential contributor to Dearest Mabel is Jennette Fulda, otherwise known as Pasta Queen! Sounds cool huh? Cranky Fitness wishes all the best for the future success of Dearest Mabel.

And if you haven't updated your bookmarks--many of you have already caught the fact that Leslie Goldman, formerly of the Weighting Game, has moved to a different corner of iVillage and now blogs at Never Say Diet. She also had a great (and scary) piece in Health Magazine recently about her neck/back injury. (I caught it in the print copy; the online link wasn't up yet last time I checked, but be sure to look for it).


Stressed?

Well, apparently lots of folks are these days. How else to explain the exploding popularity and media coverage of websites such as Cute Things Falling Asleep?

Yep, that's what you see lots and lots of when you go there. Here's just one example:



(Warning: do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after watching this).

For more all-purpose, less specialized cuteness, there's always Cute Overload:

(Photo via cute overload)

Seriously, if you like cute, this is the place.

Is there a limit? Is Cute Overload just too much cute for some of you? Here's an alternative stress-reducer: at this site, you can vicariously microwave food and other random objects that have no business being microwaved. The Christmas lights and ketchup packages were both kinda cool. (Oh crap, was this a really unfortunate juxtaposition of items or what?)

Hope you all have such glorious, non-stressful weekends that you don't even need to watch cute sleepy furry things to unwind!

Got anything fun planned?

Read more...

Terry Pratchett, a best-selling author of dozens of books, was once asked by his doctor if he had any problems with his memory. Pratchett paused, considered the question, and replied, "Not that I recall."

This anecdote got a laugh when he told it at a book signing, but when he announced a few months later that he was suffering from a rare form of early-onset Alzheimer's disease, it didn't seem so funny.

You'd think the nice part about losing your memory would be that you wouldn't remember that you were losing your memory. No. I think of all the diseases you could get, Alzheimer's must be the worst. The thing is, people often are aware when something's not right. They know there's a problem, though they don't always know what it is.

There was a big kerfuffle on Pasta Queen's blog when the comment was made that receiving a cancer diagnosis would be better than bearing chronic pain and never knowing what was wrong with you. Similarly, Pratchett claims that he'd rather have cancer than Alzheimer's. "I'd like a chance to die like my father did - of cancer, at 86.Remember, I'm speaking as a man with Alzheimer's, which strips away your living self a bit at a time. Before he went to spend his last two weeks in a hospice he was bustling around the house, fixing things. He talked to us right up to the last few days, knowing who we were and who he was. Right now, I envy him."

Even if you don't develop Alzheimer's, your brain will change as you age. It's not all bad news, though.

Richard Restak, the author of the best-selling Mozart and the Fighter Pilot's Brain points out that as we get older, the number of nerve cells decreases, "but the richness and complexity of brain circuitry increases." (My translation: Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.)

Physical exercise can help with memory loss. To quote wonderful Dr. Mirkin (yes, again), in an article he wrote about memory and blood sugar, "Hundreds of other studies show that 1) exercise slows loss of memory with aging, [and] 2) diabetes markedly increases risk for dementia...."

But according to Restak, the memory expert, physical exercise is not the main priority to help your brain. "The best protection against developing a memory disorder? Exercising the brain's memory mechanisms."

This seems to me to be rather important. The thing is, unless I get run over by a bus or develop a horrible disease, I'm going to get older. And I don't want to spend my last years confused while life goes past in a blur. It's heart-breaking to see someone deteriorate from a healthy alert personality to a confused faded forgetful shell of themselves.


While I was pondering this, I got an invitation to try out Lumosity. It's a web site devoted to cognitive learning. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? What it boils down to is a series of mental exercises, in the form of different online games, that are supposed to help keep your memory sharp.



When you start out, you complete a series of memory games that establishes a baseline. Then you perform memory workouts, for about 10 minutes a day, to work on improving your ability. You can also compare your results against the average test results for someone of your age group, which could prove useful.

One thing that I like about Lumosity is that it's a website where games are being updated and new games are being added, as opposed to some other brain programs that I've seen, which allow you to download a static software program.

Why do I want to play these video games? I've got bubbleshooter!

The nice part about doing memory exercises on the web is that I associate them with video games, i.e. it feels like I'm doing something fun. It's like chocolate-covered broccoli: something that's good for me and tastes good. (Okay, so I've never actually tried covering broccoli with chocolate. It's an analogy, okay? Work with me here.)

I love the idea of 'brain games,' the same way I love the idea of playtime exercise as opposed to working out on a treadmill. Some of the games were fun, some were frustrating. (Argh! I do not have an aptitude for spatial memory!) It was encouraging that I could re-try the frustrating exercises and see an improvement.

All that I've learned from playing games like Bubbleshooter was that I have a low frustration level -- and it doesn't improve the more I play the game.

What are these games like?

At first the games on the Lumosity site are childishly simple. I felt like I was playing at the two-year-old level. Then... um ... they're got more challenging.

One game tested peripheral eyesight and memory, which they claim helps with driving. (You had to watch for something appearing on the corner of the screen while remembering a letter that flashed in the middle of the screen at the same time.) Another game involved matching name tags with people, which is something that I have a helluva problem with at parties. Another had me trying to think -- under the clock -- of all the seven letter words out there that start with "Ann_____" I would've thought I was good at that, but not when I've got a clock ticking away.

I keep thinking that I should be able to improve my memory without paying some website $80. On the other hand, how much do you pay for your gym membership? Is your brain worth less than the rest of you? (That's $80 a year, or about $6.66 a month.)

Hell, why can't I just do these memory games on my own?

That's fine, if you've got access to games that will help you improve your memory. And if you're disciplined enough to actually do the work.

There probably are people who are self-disciplined enough to do something like this on my own. Me, I'd find excuses and rationalizations and it probably wouldn't get done. I've had Restak's book on my nightstand for the past three months, intending to go back and do some of the memory exercises that he describes. I'm sure I'll get around to it... one of these years... Why is it that it feels like work to perform exercises from a book, yet I always can find time for ten minutes of playing games on the computer? That's why I'm inclined to like the idea of this memory training website -- I'm more likely to actually do it.

I'm seriously considering giving a membership to my mother, since she's fixated on not losing her faculties.

Try it yourself. No strings.

If you're curious, check the Lumosity site out. They've got a seven-day trial version you can play with -- and you don't have to give any credit card information before starting the trial, which makes for a nice change.

Plus, it's a sweet setup: you get to play video games and no one can say you're not doing something useful! (Except perhaps the boss. Try this at home, eh?)

If you'd like to read more about the theory behind the Lumosity games, here's their Brain training page.

What do you think? Is this something you could (or more important, would) do on your own? Or would you consider trying a mental gym?

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It really should be illegal for me to have a health and fitness blog.

Put down that cupcake, ma'am--
We're taking you downtown.
(Photo: tysoncrosbieedit)

It's not just that I indulge in frequent bathroom humor, pick fights with senior citizens, or put Splenda in my coffee.

What's worse than all that?

It's that even when I do offer sensible health and fitness advice to readers, I sometimes totally blow it off myself.

Like, for example, with strength training. I said, just a few days ago: it's really important to pay attention to form. But do I pay attention to form? No, I do not! And every now and then I injure myself. (Go figure.)

But the worst example is the way I always recommend variety when it comes to exercise. Sure, it's the best way to remotivate when you're in a bit of a slump. It really is smart to try something different!

Yet, I don't.

I do the same things over and over, even when I'm totally bored with them. Because change involves effort. And doing something new might require some research, or force me to confront my own ignorance, or it could make me look like an ass! Much easier to keep things the same.


Are you one of those stubborn sorts who needs to get out of your exercise rut? Need a little kick in the pants to try something new? Well, here are some of the very few tips I can offer for making yourself do something different.

Note: These are Special Slacker Tips, so no proactive energy is required, and there's no need to summon up any (ughh) motivation. They happen... or they don't. Whatever!


1. Hurt Yourself.

This is the best "mix it up" motivator ever. It's the number one reason I have not done the exact same cardio routine my entire life. If I did not have knee issues, I would go running every day. Probably on the same route, at the same speed, for the same distance, wearing the same outfit, listening to the same music, until the end of time.

But damn it, I can't. Well, I still cling to the same tattered workout clothes year after year, because I hate shopping, but as to running? I can only go a couple times a week, on soft surfaces. And only if I ice my knees afterwards and ignore the creaky crunchy noises I make going up or down stairs.

So instead I mix up my cardio by using the elliptical, walking up hills or on the treadmill at 15 percent incline, or, if I'm really desperate, I do the dorkwalking thing. (And some day I may actually take some sort of cardio class again, like I did in the eighties--as soon as my gym decides to hold a class just for me, with a friendly but not-too-perky instructor, using only the music I like, and scheduled for the precise second I walk in the gym. Not too much to ask, is it?)

But here's the bright side to my not getting to run enough: If I could do it as often as I wanted, I would probably grow to loathe running too! However, since I really probably shouldn't be running at all, when I do it feels more like a treat. (OK, "treat" is definitely overstating it. A big bowl of chocolate ice cream, that's a treat).


2. Go to a Crowded or Poorly Maintained Gym.

Have a favorite strength training or cardio exercise that requires a particular piece of equipment? While you may vastly prefer "your" machine to the alternatives, one way to forcibly shove yourself out of your usual routine is see the dreaded "Out Of Service" sign hanging there, sneering at you. Or worse, just witness a parade of other, less deserving gym-goers hogging your machine and not letting you on it!

Here's a tip: almost anything you can do with one piece of equipment, you can do with another. Just do a bit of research, get some professional advice, whine a lot, and voila: variety!

3. Move Somewhere with Crappier or Nicer Weather than You're Accustomed to.

If you're used to trotting or strolling or biking outdoors in a mild climate, and you find yourself living somewhere with 110 degree heatwaves, torrential downpours, subzero temperatures, or 10 foot snowdrifts, you may be surprised to discover that there are Indoor Exercise Spaces known as gyms! There is also stuff you can buy for your own basement, or even shopping malls where it is possible to at least walk around when the weather is unbearable. While these exercise solutions may not be ideal, they give you a whole different set of accessories to buy, things to do, and people and/or walls to stare at.

Conversely, if you live where the weather is crappy, and you've grown used to hopping on indoor machines so you can run, bike, climb, or row, you may be equally shocked to discover that these activities can be accomplished outdoors when the weather doesn't suck! You don't have to wait for a running trail, or wipe it down afterwards like you do a treadmill. Check it out!

4. Humiliate Yourself.

Have a favorite aerobics class at 6pm every night? Always go walking down the same street at the same hour and wave to the same folks? Whatever your routine, just see how flexible you get about changing it if you suffer an unexpected clothing malfunction, a spectacular fall, or an unfortunate release of bodily fluids. New settings and times of day will start to look much more appealing if you want to avoid re-traumatizing yourself every time you work out.

5. Read blogs by people more adventurous than yourself.

If you have a truly inflexible personality like the Crab, then reading others' accounts of their exercise adventures won't be enough to coax you out of your rut. However, when the unexpected happens and you are forced to do something different, it's nice to know ahead of time what fitness options are available.

One awesome resource is Charlotte at The Great Fitness Experiment. She tries a new experiment every month and writes very entertaining posts about her exploits. Or, if you're thinking of trying Fitness DVD's, the Fit Bottomed Girls have excellent reviews and recommendations of all kinds of different types of DVD's.

I can't help noticing that many of you in blogland are way more adventurous than I am. After all, Dr. J recently took up boxing, and learned to punch the speed bag just like a girl. And Geosomin is doing bellydancing! Even the Bag Lady, following MizFit's lead, has become a champion weightlifter.

Perhaps I'll have to take up some more adventurous form of exercise, like, say, extreme base jumping in a wingsuit!




Yeah right.

Anyone else struggle with getting stuck in the same routine?

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Really, there's just one rule?

And if we follow it, we can all have a flat stomach?

You've seen the ads all over the internet. They're almost, but not quite as annoying as the woman with the fakest looking wrinkles ever in the history of fake wrinkles, who gets her face magically erased, over and over and over again. (God I HATE THAT AD!!!)

At least the "1 Rule" ad doesn't usually come with a picture, but it's still all over the place. It says there's 1 rule for a flat stomach, and you must Obey it. If you do, you will lose one pound a day, or eleven pounds in two weeks, or 45 pounds in 12 weeks. Whatever. Bottom line: you'll shed buckets of belly fat in no time flat.

Just one simple rule! Do you know what it is? Seems like if it was that powerful, we'd all have heard about from other, more reputable sources. But still... what could they be referring to? Could there really be some simple principle we've all been overlooking?

So raise your hands... (Virtually, that is--unless you want the folks at work looking at you funny). How many of you smart, educated, sophisticated, health-conscious, discerning Cranky Fitness readers just couldn't help yourself and finally had to click on the link to find out the One Rule?

I did.

After swearing to myself, over and over, that I would not let curiosity get the better of me and send traffic (and thus, money) to whatever sleazy entity no doubt lurked behind the come-ons, I finally couldn't help it.

So you want to know what the secret is? As a public service, Cranky Fitness will tell you, so you can avoid soiling yourself by clicking on any of these slimy ads.

Hi Anna! Hi Pam! Hi Brook!

Here's what happens when you click on the "1 rule" ad: you usually end up at someone's blog or web page. There you find out the secret, which we will now reveal.

The secret is buying the right combination of weight loss products. The funny thing is, the products change, so the "1 rule" is really "many rules!" Sometimes it is an acai berry thing and a colon cleanser. Sometimes it Wu Yi, or a mysterious fat burning concoction called Slim 365. Do these products work? Well, they must, right, just look at the photographic evidence!

Photographic Proof the One Rule Is Totally Awesome and Effective

What more do you need? Here is a picture of Pam Burgess, from Burlingame, California. She has 2 kids and a wonderful husband. She lost 45 pounds using a combination of two free trial products she saw on TV! Here is a picture of her in July and another one three months later.

Pam in July, and 3 months later

Still skeptical? Well, there's more proof:

Here's Anna Matthews, who also has 2 kids and a wonderful husband. She also lost 45 pounds using a combination of two free products she saw on TV. Here is a picture of her in October, and another one three months later.

Anna in October, and 3 months later.

Isn't that amazing? Two entirely different women, using different versions of the 1 Rule, with such amazingly similar results! So see, there's nothing at all fishy here to worry about.

Endorsed by Oprah, WebMD, Dr. Oz, and CBS!

Depending on the ad you get, you can read the less questionable claim that some of the ingredients of these products have received favorable attention in the press. But some versions take it further and claim the products themselves are being touted by folks who would obviously know better. WebMD, for example, has since updated its acai berry article to make clear that there is little research supporting the weight loss claims, but it's still being held up as a major endorser of these products.

Scam Scam Scam Scam

Regular readers of Cranky Fitness do not need me to tell them these ads are bogus. But many folks out there do not have the time, energy, or motivation to educate themselves about what it takes to lose weight in a healthy and realistic way. Others know damn well what it takes, but don't want to face the depressing reality of eating less and exercising more. They allow wishful thinking to take over and they order this crap and hope for the best.

Here is a link explaining how at least some of acai berry weight loss scams work. But the fact that I even clicked on one of the little f*ckers just shows you how even the sleaziest of come-ons can be tempting to check out.

Ick, I feel so dirty!!!


Heard of any other Creepy Weight Loss solutions you want to warn folks about? Ever been taken in by one?

Read more...

Damn but I'm glad Mr. Random Number Generator had to pick the winner. There were so many great comments that I'd never be able to pick just one.

The winner is...

Seabreeze!

Congratulations! Please send your name and mailing address to crabbymcslacker @ gmail .com (without the spaces) by Friday, January 16th.

Reminder: if you'd like to order the scale from the kind folks at Mary Lou's Weigh, use the coupon code Crabby50 and they'll give you a 50% discount.

p.s. Y'know? Those irritating perky messages are becoming less irritating as time goes by. Now I just wish the scale would say something about my losing weight!

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[The scene: In the palatial Cranky Fitness Headquarters (C.F.H.), Merry sits writing a letter.]

Dear Diet Girl,

Thank you for letting me read your memoir, The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl.

However, I don't want to review it.

I think I would rather pitch it as a movie proposal.

I see this story as a saga. Nicole Kidman could play the lead, with Hugh Jackman as the romantic hero. (Or Gerard Butler might work, since the hero is Scottish.)

I can see the movie poster:


Thrills! Travel to exotic locations!
Chills! The Aussies encounter the Scottish winter!
Suspense! Will Diet Girl be deported forever?
Death-defying feats! See how she masters complicated maneuvers such as kick boxing and weight lifting!
Weight Loss! The woman lost an amazing 175 pounds!
A romance that spanned three continents and four weddings!!!


Sorry, but I need to stop writing this letter for a moment. Crabby's over there waving a claw at me. I think she's trying to get a word in edgewise. (Seems appropriate. How else would a crab get a word in? )

Crabby: Merry? You can put down that pen now. Look who's coming through the door, it's the Amazing Diet Girl herself, Shauna Reid! So we can ask her questions and tell her in virtual-person what we thought about her awesome book.

Merry: She's here? [Hides the autographed copy of Pasta Queen's book.] Shauna! How lovely to see you!

Shauna: Howdy ladies! Thanks for having me over.

Crabby: It's our pleasure! Oddly enough, we don't get many visitors at Cranky Fitness headquarters. [Hurriedly brushing away cobwebs and dust bunnies].

Merry: So, Shauna, thank you for letting us read The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. Even though I don't want to review it, I have a question. Well, several questions, really.

Shauna: Fire away!

Merry: Especially in the beginning, when you weighed over 300 pounds, you suffered from fat girl panic attacks that threatened to stop you. By the end of the story, the panic attacks were noticeably fewer. Did they drop off with the pounds or was there some shift in your attitude that discouraged them?

Shauna: The Fat Girl Freakouts got less frequent as I got less freaked out about being fat. I started out with really rubbish self-esteem - I was almost apologetic for just existing, like how dare I take up so much space! My confidence grew somewhat as I started to lose weight, but what really helped along the way was, for lack of a better phrase, doing stuff. Things that most people wouldn't see as particularly radical, like trying a weights class at the gym and training for a 5K race. It was a revelation after so many years of being a hermit and convincing myself I was "too fat" to try. I started to feel less defined by the size of my butt and less worried about what people thought of me.

Merry: I loved your description of 'Vampire Exercise' -- walking by yourself at night rather than during the day when people could see you. How did you go from that mindset to walking into a gym?

Shauna: I just applied the same Vampire Method to the gym - I always went the hour before it closed - that way I avoided the Hot People Peak Hour with all the nubile supermodel types! Eventually I got bored with the cardio machines and wanted to try group classes but they were earlier. So I'd arrive really early and hide up the back row so no one could look at me wobbling around. So at first I think it was more about finding crafty ways to work around my fears as opposed to tackling them directly :)

Merry: I was impressed that you didn't wait to start living until you'd gotten stick thin. A lot of people think that no one will look at them until they're skinny. You went out and fell in love anyway! Um... does Gareth have any brothers?

Shauna: He does! He's single too. Come on over, baby!
The whole falling in love thing was a real shock. I admit that I was convinced that no one would look at me until I was svelte - which is probably why it took me months to notice that Gareth was interested. I wish I'd taken off my fat goggles years earlier and believed I was worthy of some good lovin' - who knows how much action I missed out on over the years!? :)

Merry: Hmmmn... I wonder if mortgaging the C.F.H. would afford me a ticket to Scotland... oh, sorry. My mind was wandering for minute. Anyway. Comfort food. It sounds like chocolate and you had a very special bond. Has this changed? What do you do nowadays when you feel down?

Shauna: I still eat the chocolate! I know you're supposed to Phone A Friend or Take A Bubble Bath when you're down but sometimes only chocolate will do. I've learned to eat smaller portions of the good stuff and savor the hell out of 'em. I eat my wee ration as slowly and quietly as possible - Gareth knows not to interrupt me if I am having a Chocolate Moment. If I scoff it down quickly I'll inevitably want more, so I try really hard to eat mindfully.

Crabby: Well, Merry may have decided not to review the book, but I can't help gushing a bit. I'd give it two enthusiastic Claws Up! I thought it was dramatic, moving, inspiring, and funny as hell. It was fast-paced and was almost like a novel, in that it had a great "plot"-- all the more fascinating because it was all true. I agree with Merry, it would make a great movie.

But part of what made it so gripping was that it was a messy, complicated journey. It's one thing to disclose this stuff on an anonymous blog, but was it scary at all to think about "going public" with your name on the cover of a book? And is it strange to have your private thoughts about, say, the size of your undergarments, read by people all over the world? Or friends and neighbors and co-workers?

Shauna: I'm glad you enjoyed it, cheers! I was a wee bit nervous about going public and committing my looniest moments to print - there's no Undo button with a book! But by the time it was finally published in the UK in January 2008, it was almost two years after I'd started writing. And another year has passed now it's out in the USA, so the distance helps. I can almost look back at the Me in the book like a bemusing fictional character: Wow, that Shauna Reid sure was a nutter! It's also a great ice breaker - people who were previously distant acquaintances come up to me at parties and say, "Dude, I totally eat Nutella straight from the jar too."
I also know how much I left out of the book - it could have been so much worse!

Merry: I think the book was pretty good as it was! But Crabby has a good point. You write frankly about body issues. How do you feel about your body now?

Shauna: I'm cool with it. I admire its resilience - I've put it through hell and back and it's still hanging in there! I never had any illusions that I was hiding a supermodel body under my fat suit, so I've accepted my wobbly bits and focus on my best features. I spent far too many years glaring at my reflection in the mirror and thinking evil loathing thoughts... now my mind and body are finally a team.

Crabby: Do you feel any pressure to maintain a particular size or weight, now that you're a success story for others? Or do you feel it's your own damn business whatever you weigh?

Shauna: There were times last year when the book first came out in the UK and Ireland that I thought I would explode from the pressure to live up to the happy ending. I'd get lovely emails from people saying they looked up to me as a success story, and not-so-lovely emails from people saying I was DOOMED to regain the weight and mark their words, they would be waiting to laugh maniacally when I FAILED. Both kinds of email left me gnawing my fingernails with angst. But now I'm more chilled and as long as I'm happy with my weight, that's all I need to worry about. I'll just keep on doing what I've always done with the blog - share the ups and downs with honesty, and let people draw from it whatever they will. I try not to put any pressure on myself other than make sure I keep doing the Healthy Things as much as I can, for the sake of my sanity as much as my waistline!

Crabby: I've very much enjoyed checking in with your blog, The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. It seems you manage to be funny about whatever subject you take on. Do you see the blog changing emphasis away from food, exercise and weight issues in the future as you get further from your own incredible weight loss journey? Or will it continue to be a major subject you blog about? (I'm guessing a lot of folks interested in weight loss will be joining you after the book comes out in the United States!)

Shauna: Dietgirl will always be the place for the lard-related thoughts! Even when I don't post as frequently, I still come crawling back because let's face it, it never ends. After eight years I still need a place to touch base and spew my thoughts. The writing is part of the maintenance just as much as my meal planning or exercise schedule. And I love the support and friendship you get from blogland. As for other topics, I've had a personal blog since 2000 called What's New Pussycat which is where I write about my non-fat passions - travel, music, sport, Scottish life and general bitching about what's on the telly. I started Dietgirl as a separate, anonymous blog because I didn't want to alienate WNP readers with my weight loss shenanigans. I'm totally out of the fat blogging closet now, so I just write wherever the mood takes me!

Crabby: What does the Mothership think about this whole book thing?

Shauna: I think The Mothership quite enjoys it. The mother-daughter relationship is never a straightforward one so I was worried about publishing some of our darkest moments. But she read all the drafts and encouraged me to be even more honest and open. She also gets some of the funniest lines so she's quite happy with how she was depicted! She's also a great saleswoman and is always moving my book to prominent shelves in Australian bookshops!

Merry: What's the big deal with kickboxing? I mean, it's not complicated. You simply find a box and give it a good kick. Why's that considered fun?

Shauna: It gets fun when you swap a box for a real live person! You wear these ridiculous padded shoes that all round and shiny, like you've raided Mickey Mouse's wardrobe, so you can't do any real harm. But that thwack thwack thwack sound when you land a kick is pure music, and any stress you felt before class just flies right out your toes! I never thought I would look forward to doing exercise but I am thoroughly addicted to kickboxing. Even though I'm quite rubbish at it.

Merry: Okay, time for the hard-hitting question. [Sets up the bright spotlight] Time to tell the truth. Who's better looking: Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler?

Shauna: I'll have to stay loyal to my homeland and go with Australia's Hugh Jackman!

Merry: Excellent choice! I'll have my people call his people about doing the Diet Girl movie.

Crabby: Thank you, Shauna, for answering all our questions! And it was a pleasure to read your book. We hope some of our readers might be inspired to go out and pick up a copy... or to stay in and pick up a copy! Either way--it's a great book no matter how you get ahold of it.

Oh, and I think Merry had a lovely parting gift for you, she said something about baking a special chocolate cake just for the occasion...[voice trails off]

Merry: Um... gosh, I can't understand how that turned into a plate of crumbs... I could've sworn I had told that cat not to... hmmmn....

Diet Girl Book Giveaway

Yes, we're giving away one copy of Diet Girl's fabulous book.

You have to be a USian, but I don't feel so bad about this. I mean, this book is already out in Canada, and the U.K., and Norway, for pete's sake.

Deadline: Please leave a comment and let us know what you think! Mr. Random Number Generator will pick a comment at Midnight 6:48 pm (PST) Monday, January 19th.

This contest is now closed.

Read more...

Image credit: popoever

Thinking about adding some strength training to your exercise routine, but aren't sure how to get started?

Building up muscle strength is really good for you. (More on that in a moment) And if you're female, we promise you're not going to end up looking freakishly masculine and massively proportioned. First off, you need a bunch of testosterone for that. And secondly, hardcore muscle-building is kick-ass hard work! It involves effort, frustration, exhaustion, and pain, and it's pretty much impossible to accidentally do too much.

Wait, where are you all going???

Sorry. Strength training really doesn't have to be all that unpleasant. That's mostly a problem for whiny slackers like yours truly, who would love to look pretty darn muscular, but would like it to happen via Fairy Dust, not actual work. Even for slackers, working with weights is pretty rewarding. Not just in terms of appearance and health benefits, but in actually being able to lift heavy stuff without ending up in the hospital.

So, for some tips to get started, who is better suited to offer advice than Crabby McSlacker?

Almost anyone, that's who!

That's why I asked some much better informed folks, like MizFit and Kelly of Fitness Fixation and Rupal of 101 Exercises and Personal Trainer Terri Walsh to help me out with links from their sites and helpful tips. Plus... we got The Google in on it too.

And if you already strength train, hang in there, because I'm really hoping you'll read this post, realize you know a LOT more about the subject than I do, and chime in with your tips and personal experiences for newbies to benefit from.

Why it's So Important to Learn The Physiological Processes Behind Muscle Building
In order to start strength training, it crucial that you first understand the process by which muscle is built and concepts such as progressive overload, zzzzzzz the distinctions between isotonic, isometric zzzzzzzzz and plyometric zzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzzzz zzzzzzz.

Okay, maybe we don't really give a crap about that after all.

Why Is Strength Training Good for You?
There's a handy list at WebMD. But there's also a nice summary over at 101 Exercises of what strength training can do:

• increase metabolic rate which in turn allows your body to burn calories more efficiently, even at rest
• cut down on cardiovascular stress by reduction of resting blood pressure and heart rate
• increase bone density, thus reducing risk of osteoporosis
• improve strength, power and muscular endurance
• and even help firm up ‘bingo arms’ ‘moobs’ and ‘muffin tops’!

Rupal also contributed some further thoughts and inducements:

"Each pound of added muscle burns approximately 35 to 50 more calories daily. That can add up! And if you're a competitive sort, strengthening can enhance athletic performance. Swing the golf club harder, climb hills faster in a race, jump higher and cycle faster! It can also help prevent injuries: stronger, more balanced musculature equals greater stability at joints, more effective and efficient biomechanical relationships and enhanced movement performance."

Choosing Equipment and Setting
You can do your strength training in a gym. You can do it at home. You can do it on a train; you can do it in the rain; you can do it with a fox; you can do it in a box... oops, wait, maybe not! (Too much Dr. Seuss as a child, sorry).

As to equipment, you can use weight machines (they have combo home versions too); or use barbells, dumbells, a weight bench. Don't like heavy objects? You can also use resistance bands or tubes; fancy suspension systems; you can use use your own body weight for many exercises too. You can use even use live human children, but don't tell anyone we said that.

How to decide which way to go?

It's all very personal, and of course has quite a bit to do with convenience, space, goals, and costs. There's no right or wrong answer. I would advise against making huge financial commitments, either with long-term gym memberships or fancy-pants equipment, until you've tried a few different methods.

One tip: there are many reasons you might want to avoid gyms, like you don't want to leave the house to exercise, or you hate to wait for equipment, or the smell of a gym reminds you of high school and causes you to burst into tears at unpredictable intervals. All very reasonable. But don't let self-consciousness keep you out of a perfectly good gym.

You have every right to be in that gym, beginner or not. If you get some basic instructions before you start off, and don't do anything too obnoxious, no one will even notice you. The regulars are all too busy flexing, grunting, cursing, and staring at their own reflections in the mirror to care that you're lifting bright pink 2 lb dumbbells or grand pianos. You can join for a brief period; try out all kinds of things; get some instructions; and then use that info to put together your own home set-up.

General Tips
Virtually everyone I asked and every place I googled emphasized the same two important points:

1. Learn about proper form before you start.

2. Start off easy and build the habit before you try to lift heavy. Eventually, you will want to lift heavier and heavier weights--and in fact, I remember a study saying that most people, and women in particular, settle in at weights that aren't nearly heavy enough to challenge them.

But worry about that later. When you're just starting out, your job is to learn proper form and get in the habit of regular strength training. Save injury-inducing bonehead feats of stupidity for later on! By then, you'll have enough invested in your progress that mere sprained, torn, broken, or otherwise abused body parts won't keep you from quitting completely.

Getting Help
If you have googled around a bit looking for general guidance on getting started, you may have discovered that the advice you get is frustratingly general (like mine). Or, it is way too overwhelming--you get hundreds of possible exercises and contradictory instructions depending on who is offering the advice.

Thus I'd recommend picking one fairly reliable source, learning the basics, and then progressively getting more and more information customized to your particular goals and needs. Note: MizFit is one of our favorite reliable sources, and much of the rest of this post is swiped from her blog with her very generous permission.

Here are some of the options for designing your program and starting out:

Human: This is one of the best methods, because an actual live person can listen to your goals, note your limitations, and see what you're doing wrong and corrrect your form. How to find a helpful human? Many gyms offer a free orientation to their equipment when you join; and it's no secret you can pay a personal trainer. Mizfit has some great tips about how to choose a good personal trainer, and so does Kelly from Fitness Fixation.

Virtual Human: There are online sources offering more personalized plans than a book. Of course they can't hover over you like an in-person trainer and tell you your knees are in the wrong place or your butt's sticking out too far. One I happen to know of is Terri Walsh, a celebrity personal trainer in NYC. Have I trained with her? Heck no, do I look like a celebrity? But she did send me a nifty ebook full of useful exercises, and she also does an online training service for (just) under $20 a month. (She's also one of the 2009 trainers in People Magazine's "Half Their Size" project). But there are plenty others out there I haven't been introduced to, and maybe readers could share their experiences, good or bad.

Books, DVD's, etc:
Mizfit helps us out again on books: She likes Arnold Schwarzenegger's book because, "while I don't wish to look like he does, the explanations and photos are immensely helpful." She also finds that Weight Training For Dummies "gives clear, concise, bottom-line suggestions for how to devise and stick to a weight training plan."

This is another area where we could use some help. The last book I consulted one by Diana Nyad, which was very comprehensive and helpful at the time, but came out a hundred years ago back in the 80's and is probably out of print. We're hoping folks in the comments will help fill in this section with favorite books, dvd's or websites!

UPDATE: look for more suggestions in the comments! But one that came up over and over was: The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess. Lots of folks have found this book helpful.


Basic Routines

How Much and How Often? What Exercises Should I Do?

This is where it starts to get overwhelming. I'll just include the advice of a few folks, but again, you may want seek Professional Help to craft a routine that's right for you.

MizFit again is a super resource.

While she is, like Crabby, a believer in starting off with guidance from a live human, she offered up a sample beginner full body routine in one of her posts.

"Start off twice a week (remember, we are setting ourselves up for success!) doing only two sets per exercise at a weight where you can complete 12-15 repetitions the first set without struggle and 10-12 repetitions the last set and feel *challenged* but not in pain.

What should you include in this routine?

1 exercise for chest.
1 exercise for back.
1 exercise for biceps.
1 exercise for triceps.
1 exercise for shoulders.
2-4 for your legs (depending on time available and your current fitness level.)

As you become more fit you can increase your workout to three times a week (never on back-to-back days) and, as your fitness level increases still, you may wish to break down your routine into an upper body workout one day and lower body/shoulders on another.

And you know what's really cool? MizFit has videos to show you how to do these exercises, with emphasis on proper form.

Legs:
Legs Video 1
Legs Video 2
Legs Video 3
Legs Video 4


Arms:
Arms Video 1
Arms Video 2
Arms Video 3
Arms Video 4
Arms Video 5


Chest/back:
Video 1
Video 2
Video 3
Video 4
Video 5

Terri Walsh, when she's not busy shrinking people to half their size, recommends working towards these essential exercises:

Push ups
Pull ups
Squats
Lunges
Dips
Crunches

However, as we've mentioned, tough exercises like pushups and pullups may require modification, especially for beginners. Terri says that as a trainer, she always starts people off slow and then adds workouts as they get more comfortable. She suggests "Start off with two workouts per week. If you make all those workouts happen in a month, then add ONE more to the week the next month. And so on. The goal is not to torture yourself, but to allow your mind, body and life to catch up to, and get used to your new thinking. Too many changes all at once is harder on the psyche than most people will admit, and that imo, causes 'relapses'."

Here's another list of "top ten exercises"; Stumptuous has lots more information on free weights for women, and of course Rupal has tons of exercises over at her place.

Warnings and Hazards
Kelly at Fitness Fixation has some very specific warnings about common exercises that people do wrong. Sample tip (among many) for the squat: "Your chest should remain upright and your back curved. I mean curved so that you are sticking out your chest and ass, like, yes, a supermodel in a waterfall."


So, do any of you have any advice for those just starting off? Any inspirational tales or horror stories?

(And if you've got a great post on this that you've written or seen somewhere, feel free to leave a link in your comment below for new folks to check out! Unless you're selling something slimy, in which case, please go somewhere else to leave your spam.)

Read more...

Admit it. Sometimes you need a random Cranky Fitness post. Especially when there hasn't been a single random post all year.

Photo credit: Redvers

Especially a post that reveals some really out there interesting gossip about Crabby McSlacker...

Did that get your attention?

News flash: people aren't good at paying attention (Yes, I'm talking to you)

Psychologists are finding out that even when people try to focus on a task they tend to lose concentration within 40 minutes, and sometimes as little as 10 minutes. A psychology professor at the University of Cincinatti, Joel Warm, tracked blood flow in different areas of the brain to determine when people were, or were not, paying attention.

"During various 40-minute tests, researchers saw a decrease in blood-flow velocity over time, and, therefore, a decrease in attention. "Sometimes in the first 10 minutes," Warm says. "That early." And he says many times the participants didn't realize it was happening."

The really scary part? They plan to use this to test people who work in nuclear power plants, to find out when the person monitoring the controls has zoned out while on the job. (Just the thought of a person in that job zoning out scares me. Or a pilot zoning out while flying a plane. Or... okay, you get the idea.) Pay attention!

Another reason to feel paranoid when you're feeling sick

Fatal heart attacks and other heart disease deaths increased during flu epidemics in St. Petersburg, the researchers report. In an article published in the European Heart Journal, if you're over 50, and live in St. Petersburg (Russia, not Florida) and have the flu, you have a higher risk of having a heart attack.

The study stresses that while the flu may make fatal heart attacks or other heart disease deaths more likely, just the fact that you have the flu doesn't seem to actually cause a heart attack. Dr. Mirkin reasons thusly:

"Nobody really knows why, but inflammation is the leading theory on the cause of heart attacks and strokes. Your immunity is good for you because it helps protect you from infections However, if your immunity stays active, it can attack your body to cause inflammation which damages blood vessels and sets you up for clots that cause heart attacks and strokes. "

Moral: if you have heart trouble, get a flu vaccination. Especially if you're over 50 and live in Russia. Well, frankly, even if you live in Florida.

Hey, I had to throw in a scary bit of research to see if you were paying attention

Cyclists are fit to be tied... er, I mean clipped in

People who really get into bicycling tend to use toe clips or clip-in shoes to secure their foot to the pedal. The common wisdom is that this is more efficient that regular pedaling. (You not only push down on the pedal, you also pull up on the upstroke, thus utilizing all the leg motion to keep the bicycle going.) Researchers (not the same ones as the gossip study) at the University of Bath in England showed that cycling efficiency is not altered with and without toe clips (Journal of Sports Sciences, January 2008). Turns out toe clips don't really lower submaximal oxygen consumption (VO2).

On the other hand, riding clipped in does help in other ways. Your foot isn't going to slip off the pedals if you have to speed up or slow down quickly. Personally I don't recommend it if you're the forgetful type. Otherwise, you'll come to a complete stop and only then remember to unclip... while the bicycle is falling sideways onto the pavement... um, not that I'm speaking from experience. Oh my no. Nope, not me. (Thankfully, most bicycles do not come equipped with video cameras, so there's no evidence to suggest I'm being less than candid.)



more animals

Did you know that looking for YouTube clips of bicycles with toe clips brings up Porn videos? I didn't know that until just this moment. Wait... where's everybody going? Geez, now you pay attention?

Turns out it's healthy to read People magazine

Photo credit: Jessica Driver

Professor Manfred Milinksi, working with Drs Ralf Sommerfeld, and Hans-Jurgen Krambeck in the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Biology in Germany, found that gossip is a vector for socially relevant information.

Those who were fascinated by the lives of others were more successful than those who were not, the researchers found. Gossip is "the glue that holds society together." (It can certainly create sticky situations, so I suppose that analogy is accurate.)

The next time you're at the gym and someone stares at you while you're working out, just tell yourself that they're looking for socially relevant information about you to share with others.

The study concludes that if people hear a lot of gossip about someone, they tend to automatically discount what they're hearing. But in small dosages, gossip can (they say) give useful information, such as whether you should avoid a prospective mate because of habitual infidelity.

I don't know. Seems to me if I heard a lot of gossip over and over about someone, I'd be inclined to start thinking about cliches such as 'no smoke without fire' and things like that. The kind of gossip I like is the sort that I used to find in the Weekly World News. Did you know that a scientist has created a death ray for the iPhone? It's amazing what you can learn.

So, did you hear the rumor about Crabby? Well, it turns out it's all true. Yes, she really is the secret love child of Elvis and Princess Diana, but don't tell anyone I told you...

Tomorrow, I promise, there's a real post about fitness and crabbiness and interesting stuff like that. Honest!

Read more...

photo credit: laughingmonk

Don't you love the idea of Functional Fitness? According to Web MD, Functional Fitness means "building a body capable of doing real-life activities in real-life positions, not just lifting a certain amount of weight in an idealized posture created by a gym machine."

Functional fitness is supposed to be better than the usual, dysfunctional fitness we've grown accustomed to, because it uses compound movements rather than working individual muscles. The muscles then learn how to work together in harmony instead of being all aloof and snooty with each other. (And if you listen really, really closely after you're done, you may even hear the song "Kumbaya" emanating from your muscle fibers.)

Doesn't Functional Fitness seems like a great idea? Trendy, sure, but it's also down-to-earth at the same time. Instead of using huge cumbersome weight machines designed to isolate muscles, functional fitness is more likely to call for expensive personal trainers to show you what the hell you're supposed to do simple equipment like free weights, wobble boards, stability balls, elastic bands, or kettlebells. Or better yet, you can use nothing but your own body weight, with exercises like push ups or pull-ups.

Totally makes sense, right, to exercise your body in ways that are natural and practical, rather than artificial and frivolous?


But... just how functional are these moves for your life?

Be Prepared!
Kelly at Fitness Fixation, who is a fan of functional fitness, once wrote an amusing post explaining how incredibly useful many of these exercises can be in real life. She lists typical scenarios in which they come in very handy. For example, on pull-ups:

"In your secret agent job, you end up doing battle with the evil villain on a flying helicopter... the villain pushes you out of the copter...you grab onto those bottom landing thingies and manage to pull yourself back up into the craft while dangling above the Golden Gate Bridge. Thank god for those pull ups, or you’d never have the upper body strength to do that!"

(Other scenarios start with "A clown car drives up..." "A gigantic boa constrictor drops out of the foliage and lands on your shoulders...").

So yeah--some of these functional exercises aren't all that similar to real life needs. For example, I can't remember the last time I was required to balance myself on a big round inflatable object. Call me crazy, but when I need to reach somewhere high, like to change a light bulb, I climb up on a chair or a ladder, not a stability ball.

Exercises for Real Life
What would be more practical? Well, how about some exercises that more closely resemble real life challenges?

1. The Toddler Toss.
"Busy Moms" are often held up as a prime example of people who can benefit from functional exercise. And lifting their offspring is a frequently-cited example of the kind of activity they need to build muscle for. But how does working with a puny medicine ball prepare you for a real life squirming, constantly-growing child?

Equipment required: One wriggly toddler; one or two parents; assorted barbells, soup cans, or other heavy weights; duct tape, scissors.

Step One: First you take the toddler, the weights, the duct tape and you wrap...

Oh wait, sorry, the phone's ringing...

Crabby, a word, if you please?

Whoops! That was the Cranky Fitness Legal Department. Um, perhaps we'll move right along and cover this exercise some other time.

2. The Pickle Jar Twist
Has this ever happened to you? You spend hours at the gym, working with their fancy-ass equipment. And yet once home in your own kitchen, you discover you can't open a jar of pickles or organic grape juice* or pasta sauce without either injuring yourself or sheepishly handing it over to your Significant Other for assistance.

*(The grape juice jar is a real life example. I actually once sprained my wrist trying to open one. To this day, I still re-injure the same wrist sometimes. Curse you, fancy unopenable organic grape juice!)

The problem: wrist and forearm muscles aren't very sexy, so there are no special machines for them. But aren't these the sort of muscles we actually need to use?

Until gyms start offering fake plastic-coated, neon colored jars to open, and spandex-clad fitness instructors to demonstrate the proper form, you may need to buy a bunch of extra pickle jars for home. First screw 'em closed lightly, then open again; then work up until you can screw 'em shut medium tight, etc. Keep practicing until you can open even the most tightly screwed on stubborn jar lid. Then seek additional opportunities whenever and wherever you can find them to loosen and tighten sticky faucets, valves, lids, etc.

Worried that your boyfriend/husband will feel less useful not being the go-to guy on jar lids anymore? Here's one way you might introduce the topic:

"Honey, I just read on a fitness blog that I really should practice screwing more often. I'm supposed to find opportunities to screw whenever and wherever I can. Can you support me in that?"

Oh shoot, is that the phone ringing again?

3. The Bus Stop Sprint
Interval training helps with this task, sure. But the last time you needed to catch a bus, were you on a treadmill wearing workout attire, carrying nothing with you but a tiny iPod?

Of course not! To simulate real life conditions, take your work clothes to the gym, put on those high heels, skirt, trenchcoat, etc; grab a weighted briefcase, lunch bag, gym tote, and umbrella, hop on the treadmill and sprint!

For additional authenticity: drop your cell phone mid-sprint, and have a partner throw a little trash in front of your feet for you to dodge. It would help, too, if you could practice with diesel exhaust fumes blowing in your face, but this may present some logistical issues.

4. The Public Toilet Squat
Step One: Go to an overcrowded mall, a gas station, or anywhere that facilities are not scrupulously maintained.

Step Two: Innocently pick a stall and open the door.

Step Three: Gahhh!!! No Way. You don't really need to go that bad.

Step Four: Damn. Yes you do.

Step Five: Make appropriate clothing adjustments and assume squatting position. No need to worry about where your knees are in relation to your toes; just worry about where your ass is in relation to the toilet. For the sake of others coming after you, please do not pee all over the seat.

(Yep, this is a high-class blog. We even have an earlier post on the indignities of public restrooms).

5. Maybe Not as "Practical"
Here are some videos of folks doing "real" functional fitness. Not nearly as challenging as flinging heavily weighted toddlers into the air, but perhaps less likely to get us sued.

Note: For those of you who are interested in strength training but don't know where to start, we're hoping to have a slightly more informative post coming up Friday on Beginning Strength training. So stay tuned!

Do you folks prefer "functional" exercises to the other kind? What are some of your favorites?

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Wait a minute, you say. That's a picture of the Mary Lou's Weigh scale up there. What's that got to do with the English Major's Diet, whatever that is? And did you mention a giveaway?

I'm so glad you asked.

(Really, I am. Makes it much easier to segue into the post.)

What is Mary Lou's Weigh?

Mary Lou Retton was a gymnast who won a gold medal in the 1984 Olympics. She has a reputation for being extremely focused, highly determined, and hella perky. So it makes sense that when she branched out into the weight-loss field, she would specialize in products that helped people stay focused, keep motivated, and feel perky.

Despite the perky part, the scale is kinda neat. That's the short version of the review. I'll get to the longer version in a moment. First, I know you're curious about the giveaway details.

Well, what are the scale giveaway details?

To win the scale...

leave a comment by Midnight (Pacific Standard Time) on Monday, January 12, letting us know why you think this would be a good scale for you to have. (We want it to go to a good home.)

Please be a USian, or at least have a U.S. mailing address where the scale can be sent.

So why would I want this scale? What is the English Major's Diet, anyway?

I like this scale. I think it's neat.

And I'm not saying that because they sent me one to review, either. I already have a scale, a very sturdy and accurate doctor's scale. It's a great scale; I don't have a problem with it. The problem is my reaction to it.

What's different about Mary Lou's scale is that it does not tell you how much you weigh. Ever. What it does is calculate how much you've gained or lost in relation to what you weighed when you first stepped on the scale.

The Mary Lou's Weigh scale is designed to help you lose 10 pounds at a time. That's a major plus, in my opinion. One problem with my current scale is that I can see the long line of numbers on the balance part of the scale, showing the looooong distance between where I am and where I want to be. Showing how much I have to lose, and how much of a loser I am if I don't make it. That's a helluva thing to look at first thing in the morning.

That's why I call this the English Major's diet: it takes the numbers out of weight loss or maintenance.

If you never weigh yourself, you have to rely on less precise methods. I like the Skinny Jeans method, but that only measures the weight around your waist/hips/butt. (Unless you really like wearing low jeans... I mean, are those jeans or leg warmers?)

Anyway, who wants to try on their skinny jeans every morning to see whether they've gained or maintained (or even lost)?

I think this scale is cool because it keeps me from falling into the old numbers trap. Am I on track? Cool. If not, I'll deal with it. But no calculations, please. They make me focus too much.

English Majors do it by the book. We don't need no stinkin' numbers.

If I weigh myself weekly, the results can vary by as much as six pounds. If I weigh myself daily and average it out, I can get a good idea of how I'm doing, but I end up depressed. The process runs something like this:

Step 1. Weigh self on the scale.

Step 2. Note that I've either a) lost weight or b) gained/maintained.
-- If a. I lose an infinitesimally small amount of weight, become elated, and immediately expect to lose 20 pounds by the end of the month.
-- If b. I gain an equally fractional amount of weight, become discouraged, and mentally flagellate myself for being such a horrible loser.

I will never make it a goal to lose 2 pounds a week!

I finally have learned not to make a goal, New Year's or otherwise, that goes along these lines: I will lose 2 pounds this week. Unless I'm planning to do a Shylock on myself and cut out the fat with a knife, there's no way I can ensure I will lose two pounds this week. (That calories in = calories out stuff works long term if it works at all.)

What I can do is make a goal to eat X amount of calories per day, or walk 5 miles a day, or something along those lines. This scale helps me focus on what I can do, not what I can't.

As luck would have it, Liz the Kind from Healthbolt notified me that I won a pedometer from the Healthbolt Month of Giveaways. So what I'm doing is tracking what I can control, i.e. the number of steps that I take, and not tracking what I can't, i.e. my weight. (Or rather, I'm letting the pedometer track my steps. It's not an English Major; it doesn't mind.)

I've learned from past experience that when I pay too much attention to the numbers on the scale -- the numbers I can't directly control -- I will end up obsessively focusing on them, which is a recipe for frustration, futility, and the F word.

Did you just use the F word?

Yes, the F word: fat.

How does obsessing over your weight make you fat?

If I try to track something I can affect only indirectly, I end up giving up in disgust and moving on to something easy to control, like developing my couch potato skills to a high level of perfection.

My weight shifts up and down like a seasick stock market. Progress, if any, is very gradual. After a few days of using this scale I found I'd lost count, in the back of my mind, as to what exactly my actual weight was. All I knew was whether I was on track or not for that day. And that's exactly what I needed. I was able to tune out the useless worrying about the future or the past and focus on the present day and what I needed to do.

Are there any drawbacks to Mary Lou's scale?

The scale has a cartridge inside it, with pre-programmed messages from Mary Lou Retton. In addition to telling you whether you've gained, lost, or maintained, Mary Lou adds cheerful, perky messages to encourage your progress. I'm sorry, but I don't respond well to perky. I have no doubt that Mary Lou Retton is a wonderful person, but she's pretty damn chipper. Not sure I can take that first thing in the morning.

On the other hand, I'm probably impossible to please in this regard. I mean, a scale that sniggered would be even worse. And I have no doubt that some people will find these messages helpful.

And I think that Mary Lou is aware that this style is not to everyone's taste. The FAQ list mentions that it's okay to swear at the scale, but "the platform is not bulletproof. It will no longer work if you shoot it."

Another drawback might be that the maximum weight capacity for the scale is 330 pounds.

And there's more!

If you leave a comment saying why this review is so much better than Charlotte's or Pasta Queen's review, I'll know you're lying but say thank you anyway let you in on a secret. If you don't win the scale, the kind people at Mary Lou's Weigh have thrown in a promotional deal: if you order the scale from their web site and use the coupon code Crabby50, they'll take 50% off the cost of the scale. Now that's the kind of number I like!

Are there any other English Majors out there? Or number-counters who might want to try a different way to weight loss/maintenance?

This contest is now closed. Sorry.

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Who me? Nah, I don't have a cold.

I take pride in having a powerful, take-no-prisoners immune system. Sure, I used to get colds, back when I was younger, but now I don't. Colds are for lesser mortals, who don't have such a kick-ass disease-fighting abilities.

Bring it on, bugs. I'm ready for ya!

Why yes, I did just blow my nose, but I have allergies. Probably due to the cat I'm not willing to give up, or possibly to the dust I'm too lazy to clean up. (And for anyone curious about the neti pot experiment--nope, it didn't help with the runny nose, and in fact even seemed to make it worse. Think there's much of a market for used neti pots?)

But anyway, a runny nose is normal for me and does not mean I have a cold.

Oh, these cranberry-flavored, Vitamin C-enhanced Ricola lozenges? Well, they're just very tasty, that's all. That's why I've been sucking on them for the last few days.

If I did have a cold, which I do not, I now have some more information about whether I could go to they gym today and work out. The New York Times just ran a helpful article about when you can exercise with a cold and when you should sit it out. Even though I won't need this information personally, I'll be happy to share it with you.

Most of The Time, You CAN Exercise With a Cold

According to some older studies they dug up in the NY Times article, exercising with a cold does not seem to be a big deal.

In one study, researchers infected 45 young adult subjects with a head cold and made them exercise. They concluded: "Having a cold had no effect on either lung function or exercise capacity."

Well, that's great! But unless you're a serious athlete, isn't the real question whether the exercising makes your cold worse? Not whether having a cold makes your exercise performance worse?

Turns out they looked at that too. Researchers started with 34 subjects, gave them all colds, and had half of them just rest. The other half had to run on treadmills. Then every 12 hours, they asked subjects a bunch of (probably annoying) questions about their symptoms and physical activity.

And get this: "The researchers collected the subjects’ used facial tissues, weighing them to assess their cold symptoms." (Career counseling note to self: academic research may sound prestigious and all, but... collecting and weighing other people's snotty Kleenex??)

The bottom line: There was no difference in symptoms between the group that exercised and the one that rested, or in the time it took to recover from the colds. But the exercisers were more likely to say they felt better.

So for those of you who want to go for it even though you have a cold? This is indeed good news! Those of you who were hoping to get let off the hook, read on.

When to Sit it Out

However, the article stressed that these experimental colds were only head colds. They said to use more caution if running a fever or experiencing chest congestion.

And heck, just use common sense--you probably know if you feel way too crappy to work out, no matter where your symptoms may be located.

Back in the olden days, when I used to get colds, I'd mostly still exercise. I always felt like I deserved triple credit though, just on principle.

Back to the Cold I Do Not Have

So why do I take such smug pride in my resistance to the common cold? Well, I wasn't born with a particularly robust immune system, and in fact, I used to catch pretty much any bug that was going around. But over the past decade or so, I've been getting better about eating all the right stuff--plenty of fruits and veggies and garlic and green tea and fish oil pills and whatever the heck the experts are recommending this week. I get lots of sleep and exercise. So I feel like my not catching colds is a hard-earned badge of my (mostly) healthy habits. (I even dodged the stomach flu last week when the poor Lobster got hit, and I ALWAYS used to be the first one to get stomach flu.)

Still, it's curious. What's the deal with the sore throat I had a couple days ago? And the coughing and congestion at night? Oh, and my voice: it's hard not to notice that it's been steadily descending in pitch. First it just went down to a kinda-sexy Suzanne Pleshette, then further down to Lauren Bacall, past even Bea Arthur, and now it's settled in the James Earl Jones range.

Could it be?

Hmm.

Nah, not me. I don't get colds anymore.

How about you folks, do you have awesome immune systems or do you catch whatever comes around? Do you exercise when you have a cold?

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Are you currently working on some freshly-minted, sweet-smelling, sparkly, shiny, still-unbroken New Years Resolutions? Or have you instead just dusted off some cruddy, tarnished, shabby Old Years Resolutions?

Whatever! You don't even need a resolution to play; just a desire to keep slogging away at some sort of health and fitness self-improvement goal.

So here are some tips for keeping your resolutions that have worked for me! And by "worked" I mean I'm totally lying. None of these have kept me from breaking every New Year's Resolution I've ever made. But these tips "work" in the sense that now, if I'm feeling optimistic enough to even make a resolution, it takes me way longer to break it and I don't fail quite as abysmally as I used to before!

Sound encouraging? Welcome to Cranky Fitness!

(Regular readers may notice that many of these tips have already appeared on the blog in one form or another. But since I've completely run out of interesting things to say, new readers may have accidentally googled here seeking inspiration for their health and fitness goals, I thought it was time for a reminder!

So anyway, here are some tricks I find helpful when it comes to goals or resolutions:


1. Don't set yourself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Ever hear people make resolutions like: "I'm gonna stop getting so irritated with my kids and I'll never yell at them again!" "I'm going to start running this year and finish my first marathon!" "I'm going to lose 50 pounds in six months!" And you're thinking, yeah sure, and I'm gonna sprout wings and fly to London and have tea and crumpets with the Queen.

For me, it works best to pick more realistic goals: I'm going to cut down on gratuitous desserts--After all, I don't really need them after breakfast.

icanhascheezburger

2. Write Stuff Down. Not forever, but when you're in the early, serious phases of working towards a goal. As we've mentioned before: writing things down is a pain in the ass but it works. Whether you're charting calories eaten, miles run, charitable acts performed, pages written towards your novel, money saved towards your financial goals or whatever--keeping some sort of record will keep you honest and can even be weirdly addictive and rewarding. (Until you get so sick of it you want to flush your cute little journal down the toilet.)

3. Expect to slip up. You will! "Broken" resolutions can usually be glued back together. Looking back a year from now, your success will probably have much more to do with how you dealt with your inevitable failures--and very little to do with how long you lasted until you screwed up.

4. Build up your resistance muscle. So this was a new one for me, but I found it a very helpful concept. We had an interview with Dr. Judith Beck, and in in talking about resisting unplanned temptations she said:

"Tell yourself: 'If I resist, I’ll build up my resistance muscle, which makes it more likely that the next time I’ll resist and the time after that and the time after that. The truth is that every bite matters; it’s not just the calories, it’s the habit.'"

Now at the time, I actually thought this tip sounded kinda corny. (Sorry, Judith.) But then I found myself using it! It really is a good reminder of how the habit itself is more important than the actual food you ate or exercise you got. The best part? You can give yourself "credit" (and can therefore feel smug) every time you resist a temptation--even if you're resisting the same damn leftover slice of pie 14 times in one afternoon. You might still eat the pie later, when you've planned for it, but in the meantime you've really worked out that "resistance muscle" and made it stronger.

(And for more on Judith Beck and Cognitive Therapy, make sure to check out Charlotte's helpful post over at The Great Fitness Experiment.)

5. Get concrete and specific about consequences. Often I just go around with a vague notion that exercise is good, watching portion size is smart, and that healthy meals are better for me than junk. But sometimes, when willpower is lacking, it helps to get more specific. How many Extra Miles on the treadmill will that Extra Value Meal cost? Picture yourself having to walk or run those miles before you decide to indulge. And then, if you decide to skip the trip to Mickey D's or the Colonel's place, it's almost like getting credit for those miles without ever taking a step!

I also like to picture the healthy food I eat and the exercise I get making all kinds of great changes in my body: building muscle and fighting off scary diseases and helping me sleep better and keeping my heart and lungs and bones and brains in top working order. I imagine myself growing younger instead of older every time I do something healthy. While this may not be entirely accurate, it's quite motivational!

6. Keep in mind that your sticking to your resolution probably won't suck this much forever. I always see people citing studies about the exact number of weeks it take to turn a new healthy behavior into a "habit." Really? I can't help thinking it's gotta vary a lot depending on the person, and on how unpleasant the new behavior feels. How long would it take me to make a habit out of riding an exercise bike every morning? About a thousand years, because I hate exercise bikes! But if some new study comes out saying: We Were All Wrong; You Must Eat French Pastries for Breakfast--well, that habit is not going to take weeks to instill.

But however long it takes, if the change you're trying to make is realistic and only slightly obnoxious, it really might feel like no big deal at all in a couple months. Give it enough of a shot to see if it gets better before you decide to give up.

7. Find People Who Will Support and Encourage You in Your Goal: Depending on where you live and who you hang out with, it can be a much harder struggle to stick to your guns if no one around you "gets it." This is part of what makes Weight Watcher's helpful for many folks.

And if you are relatively new to the online health world, may we suggest you spend some time clicking on links to the many health and fitness and weight-loss blogs and online forums out there? Explore for a bit and you may find a whole community of like-minded folks. I know I've been spurred on to break out of workout slumps by visiting some of the many awesome bloggers who comment here. And you can find great recipes, exercise tips, and all kinds of practical help. (Just don't spend every spare minute sitting on your butt in front of the computer--this could be counter-productive!)

8. Don't make New Year's Resolutions! It's the easiest way I've ever found not to break them.

So do any of you make health and fitness resolutions? Any good advice on how to keep them?

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Good morning! Gosh you look chipper today. I like that outfit. And I'm impressed that you're able to remain vertical after all that wild celebrating last night.

Oh all right. I'll stop with the Chipper stuff. It's Crabby's fault, anyway. If she's going to devote extra effort to being both funny and anti-cheerful, then dang it, what's a girl to do?

Did you leap last night? Turns out that 2008 was a leap year in more ways than one. Not only did we have a leap day, we had a leap second. Whoever keeps track of these things added on an additional second to keep clocks running accurately. Damn, but I'm glad that's not my job. Have enough trouble making sure the batteries are up-to-date in the smoke alarms.

Ever since Carnac the Magnificent retired, there's been a dearth of really silly fun psychics.


So I've decided to fill in until one comes along. Here are the predictions of Merry the Magnificent (TM) for 2009:

________________________________
**** Drum roll, please *****
***And may I request silence from the audience?***
***Okay, let me rephrase that, can I actually get silence here, please?***
***Sheesh, audiences these days, really ...***
___________________________________

I predict that...

Bossy, of iambossy.com fame, will start up a blog about the daily life of a cow, titled iambessie.com.




Fit Bottomed Girls will slip up and include some upper body exercises on their blog, causing an outcry and accusations of misrepresentation. Due to pressure from nasty lawyers, they will be forced to change the blog name to Fit All Over Girls.




Due to the effects of inflation, 101 Exercises will end up renaming her blog 1,001 Exercises.


Dr. J will overdo the Special K while watching the L Word and as a result will, by the Alphabetical Law of Inevitability, turn into the new M.




Mizfit will branch out into her own line of fun play equipment for children. Her enterprise will become a fabulous success, Toys 'R Us will devote a whole section to her goods, and people will flock to the aisle of Mizfit Toys.

Crabby will discover a brand of cupcakes that helps heal cranky knees, so she can run more.

Merry will get back into long-distance bicycling, so she can drive less.



If any of these things happen, please remember you read it here first.

Also, if anyone reading this happens to possess psychic powers, could you add a few more predictions in the comments? I'd love to find out more about what's going to happen this year.

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